04x06 - Crank Dat k*ller

[bunniefuu]

Mm. There are ,
channels on this damn box

and I can't ever find
what the hell I want.

E-S-P-N.

Just a regular g*dd*mn remote.

I told you what you need to do.

You need to cut all of that off.

You know, the cable,
the electric, the gas.

All of it, just...
[CLICKS TONGUE] cut it off.

n*gga, you know I'm not doing that.

Why not?

'Cause I ain't no hipster
living with his sister's

girlfriend's cousin picking
boysenberries or some sh*t.

n*gga, I'm rich.

Plus, you can't stream everything.

What can't you stream?

You know, man, sh*t like the news.

- Huh?
- The news, my n*gga?

- This n*gga said "the news."
- Are you years old?

Yes, n*gga. Yeah, the news.

Yeah, I watch that.

I want to stay informed and sh*t.

That's why I watch CNN.

Isn't CNN that place
where you take your kids

to play in the fountains?

Look, you want to know
if somebody d*ed, TMZ.

You want to know if
someone's canceled, Twitter.

You want to know what's going
on in the Black community?

ALL: Shade Room comments section.

- Exactly.
- Or Lipstick Alley.

Right. Right.

Yo, y'all heard about
that Crank Dat k*ller?

Crank Dat what?

DARIUS: Wait, man, Wait.
I heard about this theory.

Most of the Black
murders that have occurred

in the past year and a
half have all been linked

to a common denominator.

All the victims made
"Crank Dat" dance videos

back in the day.

- What?
- EARN: Yeah.

I-I didn't believe it either, but...

this dude on Lipstick Alley,
man, he did his homework, man.

He cited his work and everything.

Yeah, I mean, I believe him.

Soulja Boy just better watch his back,

- that's all I know.
- [EARN LAUGHS]

Yeah, it's a good thing none
of us made "Crank Dat" videos,

'cause this guy seems pissed.

DARIUS: And whoever did, man,

they better watch their back.

You know, I bet you he got
tabs on 'em and everything.

EARN: Yeah. The FBI
wants to talk to anybody

who's been to the Pool Palace, you know,

in the past ten years.

[EARN AND DARIUS LAUGH]

No, I heard the k*ller got,

like, white glasses like Fabo.

He come in, he like...
[HUMMING ROBOTICALLY]

- He got a Kn*fe.
- Yeah, and with the... [GRUNTS]

[BOTH LAUGH]

You all right, man?

Hmm?

- [SIGHS HEAVILY]
- ♪ Ah... ♪

♪ Soulja Boy off in this ho ♪

♪ Watch me crank it, watch me roll ♪

♪ Watch me crank dat Soulja Boy ♪

♪ Then Superman that ho ♪

♪ Now watch me crank
that Soulja Boy... ♪

Look, man, it was , all right?

I-I trapped in the
parking lot of GreenBriar

the entire summer.

It was hot, it was boring.

I must've ate about a hundred
Pretzelmaker pretzels, man.

Of course I f*cked around and
made one of these videos, man.

Look, if you sold dr*gs in Atlanta,

you made a "Crank Dat" video, okay?

So me and my homie
J-Berg, we recorded this.

And this has been on the
Internet the entire time?

Man, J-Berg posted that sh*t.

I would call his ass and
tell him to take it down,

but then the n*gga would
have my phone number.

Plus the n*gga's probably dead.

Gotta be real with you,
uh, even I don't like this.

But, you know, look, it got views,

so you could be in the good.

The k*ller may not have even seen it.

n*gga, I ain't worried about no

g*dd*mn "Crank Dat" k*ller, man.

Hey, look, see if you
can get this scrubbed

off the Internet, Earn, all right?

The last thing I need is
n*gg*s hyped over this story

finding my ass, all right?

All right.

♪ Then Superman that ho... ♪

Mm.

You know, when you look deeper into it,

spiritually it's a little deeper.

You see, our roots...

kind of deal with dancing.

No, you don't gotta
do that. This is bad.

- It's real bad.
- [VIDEO STOPS]

♪ Slime ♪

♪ Okay, sh*t, I just
woke up in an animal ♪

♪ I just woke up in a Lambo ♪

♪ Flawless baguettes
and an orange Richard ♪

♪ I just had bust
down a cantaloupe ♪

♪ n*gg*s want beef and
I'm tryna be vegan ♪

♪ But f*ck it, bae,
bring a can of smoke. ♪

- Whoo!
- [CLAPS HANDS]

'Aight, minutes to record a track.

That gotta be a record. [CHUCKLES]

[EARN GROANS]

Man, why is it so hard
to get sneakers nowadays?

Me and Darius are trying to get these

Nike Miracles, man.

The sh*t sold out in, like, seconds.

Yeah, man, resellers got
the game f*cked up, man.

Might as well be shoe gentrification.

Hey, why don't you just call Nike

and have 'em send you a pair for me?

I already did. They
told me to go to hell.

It is what it is, man. Sorry.

Hey, man, bounce that
track back from the top.

- Hey, Paper Boi.
- Yo.

There's a guy in the next room over

that wanted to pop in and say what's up.

Some guy named Doug?

Yeah.

Yeah, tell him it's cool, man.

You can tell him it's cool.

Who? Doug? What?

n*gga, man. No, some...

- He's a rapper: Some Guy Named Doug.
- Oh.

He always trying to get me on
a track with his ass and sh*t.

Man, I mean, he a cool dude,

but his music sound like ass, n*gga.

- Yeah, his music does suck.
- Yeah.

Great guy, though.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

Aw, there he go.

- Ha ha! Paper Boi!
- Ah...

What's going on, Some Guy Named Doug?

I knew I heard you in
here. What's good, man?

Oh, man, you know, laying it down, babe.

sh*t, you in here cooking up?

You know, you know, on the regular, man.

Yo, we should get on a song together.

Oh, man, man, I would
love to do that, man,

but I'm on my way out, man,

and the system just crashed, my n*gga.

- Wow. Really?
- Yeah, man.

Well, what you been working
on? Play me something.

Oh, man, I can't 'cause the
speaker's busted, too, man.

Oh, you can just email it to me.

And the motherfuckin' Wi-Fi down, too.

- All this sh*t connected, n*gga.
- What?!

I've been trying to tell
these n*gg*s to get a router.

Damn, every time, man.

Look, one of these days

we gonna get on a song together.

- Hey, man, I'm down.
- 'Aight?

- Yeah.
- One day.

- One day, n*gga.
- 'Aight, man, I'm-a call you.

- Hey, you could text.
- Okay, I'm-a text you.

- Yeah, yeah.
- I got some new beats, too.

- Fire!
- All right. Yeah.

- I'm-a send it to you.
- All right, you do that.

You do that, you do that you do that.

- That's cool.
- [DOOR CLOSES]

I gotta get a new phone, n*gga,
like, immediately, 'cause...

- Doug's a nice guy.
- He's-he's incredibly kind, man.

- Hey, you back this up?
- No, we done.

ALFRED: Oh, sh*t, it's smoking
like a m*therf*cker, man.

Oh, man.

We ain't gotta pay for
that, right? Like...?

No, we ain't gotta pay for that.

[ALFRED MUTTERS]

All right, I'll catch you later.

- Hey, man, hit me when you get home.
- All right.

[CAR ALARM CHIRPS]

[CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[PLAYING SILENTLY]

[ALFRED LAUGHS]

sh*t, man.

What the f*ck was I thinking?

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES]

Babe.

Babe! We're here.

My bad.

You should, uh...

you should go home, get
more sleep before work.

No. Not with your
little brother and sister

running around.

Babe, we gotta move
out of your mom's place.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

You know, I support your
rap career and everything,

but maybe it's time you thought about

getting a real job, like a career.

Just in case the rap thing, you know...

[SIGHS]

Look, baby, remember
how I told you about

how Big Sean got discovered?

Yeah.

You said he rapped for Kanye

outside of a radio station or something.

Exactly.

All I need is one opportunity.

And I'm gonna be prepared
for when that moment comes.

Just have faith.

Please?

Okay.

I promise you that
everything's gonna be okay.

All right, take care of
Mommy, Little Juanita.

So who is this guy?

Uh, he is but a man with many shoes.

The neighborhood knows him as Shoe Man.

So he's kind of like Sock
Man, except for shoes.

Yeah, but Sock Man had an actual store.

This-this is a van.

No, man, this guy's legit.

Shoe know what it is. Yes, sir.

Hey...

Hop in, gentlemen.

All right.

Get that door for me, champ?

- Oh, yeah.
- Appreciate you.

So how can I help you boys?

We want to get the... the Nike Miracles.

- Yeah, they're sold out...
- What size?

. Right?

- for you, too?
- Yeah, .

I got , and a half.

- Last two.
- Ah.

EARN: Really?

Damn, that's surprising.

They usually don't be having any s.

Whoa!

- Yes.
- Really?

- Yes.
- These legit?

Yeah, they real. That's why
they call me the Shoe Man.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- All right.
- Damn.

Um, how much?

Nothing, really.

Just let me see you two kiss.

- I'm sorry?
- What?

Just let me see y'all
two kiss in the backseat.

- All right. I mean, that's easy.
- Wait. No, no, no.

Wait. Hold on.

How much for the shoes, man?

How much money do you want?

I don't need money,
man. Everybody got money.

Yeah, man, look, it
ain't that big of a deal.

We just knock this out.
Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.

- I don't want to kiss you.
- Be on with our day.

Look, I know you're not gay, bro.

- [MUTTERING]
- That's not the point. Okay?

I don't want to kiss
my friend for shoes.

So, what, you want to kiss a stranger?

- I don't understand what...
- I don't want to kiss

anybody, Darius.

[KNOCKING ON WINDOW]

Damn, y'all back?

I'm gonna need an answer,
fellas, I got a line.

Do you need to look at 'em again?

[LAUGHS]

n*gga is stupid.

Trash.

[SCOFFS]

[LINE RINGING]

- MAN [OVER PHONE]: Hello?
- Hello?

Hey, hey. Hey, Soulja,
man, what's up, man?

Paper Boi? What up, brah?

Oh, you know, man, I'm coolin', coolin'.

Hey, hey, I got a dumbass qu...
I got a dumbass question, man.

Yeah? What up?

Um, you heard anything about
this "Crank Dat" k*ller stuff?

Are you serious? Of course I have.

I got more "Crank Dat" content
on the Internet than anyone.

Too much to count.

I basically invented YouTube.

Yeah, definitely.

[EXHALES SHARPLY] You lucky, man.

Lucky you ain't got a bunch of

"Crank Dat" videos like me.

Oh, you know what?

[LAUGHS] This sh*t. Back in
the day, man, I did, actually.

What?

What are you saying, man?
You made a "Crank Dat" song?

Yeah, man, but... [SCOFFS]
I ain't call it that.

I called it the "Crank
Dat Jimmy Neutron."

- You know what I'm saying?
- n*gga, what?! That was you?

Yo, you gotta skip
town just like me then.

Wait, you serious?

If I was you, I'd be on the way

to my safe farm right now.

Safe farm? What the hell is a safe farm?

A farm that's safe.

If you don't got a safe
farm, you good as dead.

You know...

"Like a good n*gga,

safe farm is there."

n*gga, what the f*ck
is you talking about?

I don't know, man.
I'm tired, I'm scared.

Yo, get all the Soulja-tendo
game systems. All of 'em.

Look, you are not safe, man.

I don't care who you are,

you got a "Crank Dat" video out there,

you better watch your back.

- I gotta go.
- [CALL ENDS]

But... [SIGHS SHARPLY]

Where the hell are my glasses at?

[EXCITED CHATTER]

Safe farm.

[CLATTERING UPSTAIRS]

[SOFT THUMP]

[THUMPING CONTINUES]

[THUMPING CONTINUES]

So what's up, fellas? This
kiss ain't gonna French itself.

French ki... Nah, you didn't
say that before. French?

I'm sorry, it's just an
expression I'm trying out.

Okay, we got a couple questions.

Uh, right? [CLEARS THROAT]

How long a kiss are we talking here?

[SPUTTERS]

- Eight minutes?
- EARN: Eight minutes?

- No, man. Come on.
- No. Come on, man, that's...

- That's a whole, like, Animaniacs.
- That's fine. Then let's haggle.

Yeah, that's a make-out...

Well, let's haggle, then.

A peck on the lips.

What, you kissing your
grandma? n*gga, please.

- Two minutes at least.
- EARN: Man, f*ck this.

- Man, f*ck these shoes.
- Okay, hold on.

Hold on, hold on, hold
on. All right, look.

Well, but... Let me and him
discuss this one-on-one, please.

[SHOE MAN SIGHS]

And we'll definitely come
back with an answer for you.

[SCOFFS] It better be worth it.

I know it is.

Man, do what you want,
man. I'm not doing it.

What do you mean you're
not doing it, man?

What I'm supposed to
do, just kiss myself?

I can't...

These things are worth $ , , man.

- I've seen it online.
- Then pay it.

Pay the $ , online.

I'm not gonna pay $ , for
something I can get for $ .

That just... The principle of that...

Exactly. It's the principle, okay?

I get it, okay?

I like sneakers. You like sneakers.

But like a lot of Black men,

we put an excessive amount
of value in them, okay.

Is it really worth our dignity?

There are only a thousand in the, like,

- in the whole world.
- Man...

You've seen me wear $ loafers

that would get me roasted at any

- Black high school in Atlanta.
- Yeah. True.

I've seen billionaires walk into

very important meetings
wearing some dirty Vans.

I've seen you wear a paper
towel around your head

and make it look cool, like Jadakiss.

That was a fun summer, huh?

I'll kiss you if you
want for these sneakers,

but I think we're above this.

I think you know I'm right.

Mm.

I think we should do it.

- [BANGS ON VAN]
- Hey, Shoe Man,

two orders of Nike Miracles, please.

- Let's do this.
- [VAN DOOR OPENS]

Y'all ready? [GRUNTS]

[HORN HONKS]

Hey, how you doing today?

Uh, can I get one soft pretzel?

Paper Boi?

[CHUCKLES] I'm gonna give
you two extra pretzels.

[CHUCKLES] Don't tell nobody though.

Mm, can I get you on my Instagram Live?

Hell no.

Um...

- Hey, can I ask you something?
- Mm-hmm.

How you know it was me?

Only famous people trying to blend in

come in dressed like that.

You're the only n*gga in here
with a hat with no logo on it.

You know how hard it is to
find a hat without a logo on it?

See?

That's Chris Evans.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Hmm.

ROBERTO: Free samples.

Free samples.

Free sample? Free sample?

Free sample.

Try our Bourbon Street chicken?

n*gga, everybody already
knows what that taste like.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Free sample.

Hey, Roberto.

Hey, Chartreuse.

Free samples.

Free samples.

You heard Paper Boi here?

Like, for real?

- Mm-hmm.
- Where?

My homegirl Tiffany said
his fat ass was getting

a pretzel at Pretzelmaker.

You...

Okay, this is it. This is it.

I... Yo, I got to go spit for him.

- Mm.
- Cover me.

n*gga, I work at Sbarro!

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- [HIP-HOP PLAYING]

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

Oh!

Hmm.

[KIDS LAUGHING]

[BASS BOOMING FROM
CAR STEREO IN DISTANCE]

GPS VOICE: Turn right.

[SONG CONTINUES PLAYING OVER STEREO]

Turn right.

You have reached your destination.

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- [ENGINE TURNS OFF]

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

Paper Boi!

sh*t.

Oh, sh*t!

- [HIP-HOP PLAYING]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[GIRL YELPS]

Mm. [SNIFFS]

[SNIFFS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[ARCADE GAME SOUNDS]

[LAUGHTER]

I'm s... I'm sorry. Sorry.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

["AT YOUR NECK" BY KIKBAK
AND ENIMEEZY PLAYING]

- [QUIETLY]: f*ck.
- ♪ Running it out ♪

♪ Come in correct or
I come at your neck ♪

♪ Yeah, ooh, Paul Wall ♪

♪ All of my dawgs,
ball to the death ♪

- ♪ Ball to the death ♪
- ♪ Ooh, yeah, I want it all ♪

♪ Money, the power
and the respect... ♪

- WOMAN: Can I help you?
- What?

Can I help you?

Yeah. Uh...

Uh, can I see, um,

one of these digital
display belt buckles, please?

Really? I got to be honest with you,

last person I sold one of
these to was a crackhead.

Maybe you'll start a trend.

You want one of those gold
belt buckles down there, too?

Tell the truth.

You're a crackhead, right?

- Oh, sh*t!
- [g*nshots]

[SCREAMING]

[g*nshots CONTINUE]

- Get out the way!
- [SCREAMING, CLAMORING]

What the f*ck?

What the f*ck is going on here?

Come here.

[SCREAMING, CLAMORING]

[g*nshots CONTINUE]

♪ Ayo, yo, my life's like a
movie, my eyes are like a U*i ♪

- ♪ Jacuzzis... ♪
- n*gga, get the f*ck out the way!

[g*nshots CONTINUE]

So you boys ready?

All right, uh, yeah.

Ready to do this?

- You said three seconds, right?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay.

["ALL MY LIFE" BY K-CI & JOJO PLAYING]

♪ Then I finally found you ♪

♪ All my life... ♪

Out of mind.

Just be in the moment.

♪ And I hope that you feel ♪

♪ The same way, too ♪

♪ Yes I pray that you ♪

♪ Do love me, too ♪

♪ I said you're all
that I'm thinking of... ♪

[SHOUTING, CLAMORING]

- [MAN SHOUTING]
- [g*nshots]

[GRUNTS]

♪ Said I promise to
never fall in love... ♪

Two Nike Miracles, please...

Oh, oh...

What...?

♪ For sending me your love,
I cherish every hug... ♪

Bro...

- Uh...
- We're already implicated.

Yeah, f*ck, then let me grab...

- [g*nshots]
- [SHOUTING]

Oh, sh*t! sh*t, man!

- [g*nshots CONTINUE]
- [MUTTERING]

f*ck! f*ck! f*ck!

[MUTTERS]

[PANTING]

Hey!

Just sh**t that m*therf*cker, man!

Paper Boi, get in!

- Get in!
- [ALFRED MUTTERING]

Come on.

- Go, go, go, man! Go!
- [TIRES SCREECH]

Go, n*gga, go, go, go!

Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t! [WHOOPS]

Oh, sh*t! Yes, yes, yes! Oh, my God!

[WHOOPS] Man! Some Guy Named Doug, bruh!

Oh, you saved my life, man!

You saved my m*therf*cking life, n*gga!

Oh, God! Ah, that sh*t
was crazy back there, man!

Brazy!

But it's all good, man. Don't even...

- Don't even trip.
- Oh, my God, man!

Oh, God.

[MOANS]

Look, man, I owe you one.
For real, man, I owe you one.

[PANTING]

Oh, God.

What was you even doing
out here, my n*gga?

It was fate, I guess.

- Right place at the right time.
- Hell yeah, man.

I'm actually, uh, headed to the studio.

Yo.

Yo, yo! We got to get a song together!

Today, man! It's fate, man, come on.

We got to do it. Today's the day.

And I just made a new b*at this morning.

Want to hear it?

[HIP-HOP b*at PLAYING]

Yeah.

Bet you'll go crazy on it! [LAUGHS]

You're gonna go crazy
in the studio, man!

I can't wait to have
a song with Paper Boi!

Man, this about to go amazing!

[GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY]

Hey, man, yes!

[WHISPERS]: Paper Boi. Paper Boi.

About to be the song of the year.

Let's get it.

Hello?

Hey.

Ah.

Okay, I see you out
here, boy. Nice, man.

You actually, you
know, got a green thumb.

Yeah, man, you think?

I was thinking about buying a farm, man.

Oh, for real?

You know, like they say.

"Like a good n*gga, safe farm is there."

That's a good idea actually.

Oh, yeah, uh, you know what?

They found that, uh, "Crank Dat" k*ller.

- Word?
- Yeah.

Here, right there. [POPS LIPS]

Man, he thick though. It's
weird for a serial k*ller...

- ALFRED: Right? [SCOFFS]
- Yeah.

That's crazy, brah.

Yeah.

What you end up doing today?

Aw, man, you know, I don't know,

went to the mall.

Ran into a n*gga I had
beef with from high school.

- Mm.
- Yeah, really? What happened?

I think that n*gga's still mad, man.

[SCOFFS]

Yo, man.

Those are nice sneakers.

- It's about time you noticed.
- Sorry.

Good looking though, yeah.

I had to do a little something for them.

- It was worth it.
- [PHONE CHIMES]

ALFRED: [SIGHS] What's
this n*gga talking about?

SOME GUY NAMED DOUG: It's your
boy Paper Boi on the track.

ALFRED: Hey, you ain't got
to say my name on the track.

DARIUS: What the hell is that?

Is that you and Some Guy Named Doug?

ALFRED: All right, tell me when, n*gga.

All right, all right,
yeah, yeah, yeah...

- Yep. Yep.
- Damn.

Okay, yeah. It's trash.

♪ With Paper Boi and
Some Guy Named Doug... ♪

Yep.

SOME GUY NAMED DOUG: ♪ I
be feeling kind of lonely ♪

♪ Sometimes I be
crying on my rollie ♪

♪ Sometimes all my fame,
it can make you mad... ♪

How do I catch the rhythm on
it? There's not really a rhythm.

You know what, man? That's the thing.

I don't, I don't really know.

It's more sound than music.

ALFRED: Yeah. Yeah, it is, right?

♪ Play this for your grandmama
when you in the whip ♪

♪ Come on, Paper Boi,
get on the track ♪

♪ All right, chill,
yeah, man, hold up ♪

♪ Uh, yo... ♪

♪ Paper Boi's in the
studio right now ♪

♪ Man, you holding your
finger up, I don't know ♪

♪ What the f*ck, all
right, yeah, uh-huh, yeah ♪

♪ P-A-P-E-R ♪

♪ Boi, he right here right now ♪

♪ That's my dawg, y'all ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, snap ♪

♪ You crazy for this
with Some Guy Named Doug ♪

- ♪ Yep ♪
- ♪ Okay, that was kind of hard for real ♪

- ♪ I ain't gonna even l... hey ♪
- ♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Some Guy Named Doug ♪

♪ Sometimes I be
feeling kind of lonely ♪

♪ Sometimes I be
crying on my rollie ♪

♪ Sometimes all my fame,
it can make you mad ♪

♪ But all this money,
that'll make you glad ♪

♪ I'm an actor now ♪

♪ Hey! ♪