02x01 - The Break-Up/The Hypnotist

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

Wha!

Oh!

Ah!

[burps]

Boys and girls,
this week's essay assignment

will take you on a fascinating journey,

A voyage to the shores of your inner self.

Yes, Phil?

Does spelling count?

Yes, it does. Anyway, this week's
essay assignment is...

My best friend.

Uh-oh.

- [boy] Cool!
- [boy 2] All right!

[boy 3] That's excellent!

Cinch assignment, eh, buddy?

T. J., that's Spinelli with two L's.

Ha ha ha. Oh, boy.

[bell rings]

Hey, T. J., I got a question for you.

What's your favorite color?

Huh, what are you talking about?

I got to pick a best friend
for that stupid essay.

You're it, even though
we don't like each other anyway.

Leave me alone, will you, Randall?

I'll pay you 5 bucks.

Oh, boy, T. J.,
this is going to be great, huh?

Writing about our best friend and all.

I've already started a poem
about my best friend. Listen.

Ahem. "a backwards cap,
a slap on the back.

He's my best friend
and leader of our pack."

I, too, proceeded to jot down
a few thoughts

about my best friend.

I just hope it's not too mushy.

"Resolved, my best friend is the glue
that holds our group together".

Postulate 'a', though short
and stocky --"

Hey, you guys are writing about T. J.

Well, obviously I am.
I have no idea who Mikey was describing.

You can't write about T. J.
I'm writing about T. J.

What are you talking about?
I'm his best friend.

[children arguing]

Hold it, hold it.

There's only one way to solve
this problem.

T. J., who's your best friend?

Go ahead, Teej, tell them.

Well, uh, you see, the thing is--

Come on, T. J., remember the time
I boosted you

into that tree to get your kite down?

- Yeah but--
- Who cares about some stupid kite?

Would you consider the hours
I spent tutoring you in grammar.

Well, I--

Come on who's gonna be me or the geek?

Geek! How dare you call me a geek?

Well, if the retainer fits...

Now Spinelli--

Keep out of this, shorty.

Hey, fatso,
don't call my best friend shorty.

Your best friend?

[children arguing]

[T. J. whistles]

Come on, guys. We are pals here.
Who cares whose best friend I am?

Well I do care who my best friend is.

And if that's the way you feel about it,
T. J., then I don't want to be friends

with you or any of you.

Same here.

Me, too.

Goodbye.

Uh, what they said.

But -- but, guys, wait. Come back!

Oh, boy, that was neat!

So, you ready to tell me
your favorite color?

[Randall] Yoo-hoo, T. J.,
Always room for one more.

Ha ha ha ha!

Well, if it isn't Mr. Popularity.

Get out of here, Randall.

Oh, someone woke up
on the lonely side of the bed

this morning.

Scram, will you?
I'm looking for my friends.

Friends? Let me tell you something
about friends, pally.

Friends say they're going to meet you
at the movies and never show up.

Friends are people who tell you
the puddle's only an inch deep,

then you step in it and you are up to
your knees in mud.

Friends are people who
run your underwear up the flagpole

with you in it.

Friends are... friends are jerks.

That may be the kind
of friends you've got, Randall,

but my friends are different.

Oh, really? Follow me.

What? I don't see them around here.

Oh, not them. Him.

[gasps]

Vince...

And just where do you think you're going?

To see Vince.

Relation?

I'm his friend.

But not my best friend.

Oh, come on, Vince! Think about
the other guys

would have felt
if I would say you are my best friend

Well, they're not here. Say it now.

I can't.

Then we have nothing more to discuss.

But Vince what about--

Wait. I got to go. Big guy
needs a foot massage.

But -- but -- I don't get it.

Vince hanging out
with King Bob? It's crazy.

Hey, if you think that's crazy,

you should see who Gretchen's
hanging out with.

Who is Gretchen hanging out with?

Whoa, what a rush.

Gretchen?

Oh, hello, Theodore.

What are you doing?

Writing my essay about my new best friend,
upside-down girl,

using my space pen from NASA by the way.

But-- but you don't even like
hanging upside-down.

Oh, I guess that shows how much
you know about me, doesn't it?

But Gretchen--

Please, I don't wanna talk about it
anymore.

It's far too easy to throw up
in this position.

This is weird...
Gretchen hanging with upside-down girl,

Vince guarding King Bob.

Gus digging with the diggers.

Ah! Whoops. Did I say that out loud?

As far as I'm concerned,
I don't care if I ever play

with any of you guys again.

Come on, Gus, you mean you'd rather play
with the diggers?

Are you kidding? Sam and Dave are great.

They let me dig as much as I want,

and I get to keep the shiny rocks
I can find.

Hey! Griswald, break' s over!
Give me a number four shovel now!

Yes, sir. I better go.
My new friends need me.

Can't you tell them to wait?

Are you nuts? They'll take away my helmet.

This is terrible.

I-I can't believe this is happening.

You know T. J., you look like
you could use a little spiritual advice.

Cease becoming, my friend. Begin to be.

Huh? I don't get it. How is that supposed
to get me out of detention?

Next.

Very good, my son. You have learned well.

Thanks, guru kid. You're a real friend,
unlike some people.

Mikey, what are you doing?

Communing with people who appreciate
my innate spiritual gifts.

I appreciate your insane spiritual gifts,
Mikey.

Now put your shirt on
and let's all just be friends again.

No, T. J., I'm way too hurt to be friends
with you guys anymore.

Now if you'll step aside,
there are kids here

who need my help
with some very important issues.

Oh, great Mikey, I have come across

a vast playground seeking
your innate spiritual gifts.

What is it, my child?

How can I get my parents to let me
watch more TV?

Cease becoming, my friend. Begin to be.

- [snickering]
- [sigh]

OK, Randall, where's Spinelli?

Who's your hero?

[all] Spinuddi! Spinuddi! Spinuddi!

Who's your leader?

Spinuddi! Spinuddi! Spinuddi!

This can't be happening.

Oh, it's happening alright. They love her.
They say she's their queen.

Spinuddi! Spinuddi!

Yo, shorty, get me more juice
and fetch me lunch from the slop-eteria.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

[grunting]

Outsiders, eh? Bring them to me at once!

Hey! Ow! My arm! Quit it!

Don't struggle, Randall.
It only makes them mad.

Well, well, what do we have here?
A weasel and a snake.

What are you doing, Spinelli?

- That's Spinuddi to you.
- Spinuddi?

They're only 5. They can't
pronounce "Spinelli" yet.

Here's your lunch, Spinuddi.
It's pasghetti.

You see what I mean?

Well, listen, Spinell--

...uddi, everything' s gotten
way out of control.

This whole thing's a big misunderstanding.

I'll tell you what's
a big misunderstanding...

our friendship.

These are my friends now...
the little people.

But, Spinuddi --

Tubby, show these losers the gate.

Tubby hungry.

- Uh-oh.
- Run!

Ha ha ha ha!

Spinuddi! Spinuddi! Spinuddi!

Sing, babies, sing!

Man, it's good to be the queen.

Phew. That was close.

I can't believe it, none of them
wants to be pals anymore.

Now are you convinced, T. J.?

You're going to have to pick
a best friend,

or you're not going to have any friends
at all.

Maybe you're right, Randall.
Maybe you're right.

Very well researched, Gretchen.

It's nice you've bonded
with upside-down girl,

but best friends
often do have first names.

Spinelli, your paper was inspiring,
though somewhat, uh, primitive.

Nice job, Gus,

Although it was hard to read
through the dirt.

And T. J., I seem to be missing
your paper, unless I've misplaced it --

No, Miss Grotke, you didn't misplace it.
I didn't hand one in,

But I did write one.
I just didn't hand it in.

Because, well...
I want to read it out loud.

Well... it is a little unorthodox,

but, hey, right on to self-expression.

Come on up, T. J.

Ahem. "'my best friend,'
by T. J. Detweiler.

"People say a best friend

is the most important friend
a kid could have,

that a best friend
is someone who makes you laugh,

someone you go to for advice,
someone who can come to you for advice.

Well, that's great for people
who have a best friend,

but I don't. I have no best friend.

But there are some friends I do have.

One's a great athlete,
the most popular kid in school.

He could hang out with anybody.
Instead, he hangs out with me.

Another friend is the smartest kid
I ever met.

She could build an atom b*mb

but instead uses her brains
to help me when I'm down.

And I've got a friend who's so tough,

she could take on a guy twice her size.

But instead, she stands up for kids
who can't defend themselves.

Another one of my pals
is a big guy, real big.

To a lot of kids, he looks scary,

but he wouldn't hurt a fly.

In fact, he's got a heart of gold.

And then there's my newest friend.
Some guys say he's a scaredy-cat,

but I know deep down he's a hero.

When I see him swallow his fear
and do what needs to be done,

it reminds me why things
are worth standing up for.

Yeah, some people say a best friend

is the most important friend
a kid could have,

but I say, 'why pick one?

All my friends are the most
important friends I have.'

So don't feel sorry for me,
I'm the luckiest kid in the world.

I don't have a best friend. I have five."

[children cheering]

He thinks I'm a great athlete.

[T. J.] Well, guys, it's great to have
the g*ng back together.

[Mikey] Let's never fight again, OK?

[Spinelli] You got it, pal.

By the way, sorry about the geek comment,
Gretchen.

No problem, old friend.

And I apologize about calling you fatso,
Mikey.

That's OK, little fella.

I mean, what's a couple words
between best friends?

'Cause that's what we all are...
best friends.

Friends, pf, who needs them?

My serve!

Oh, good sh*t, Randall.

Nice return. Uh, take that.

Back to you.

Ow! My nose!

Hypnotism? What a bunch of hooey.

Yeah, that stuff is totally fake.

I don't know you guys,
there may be something to it.

According to this book,
hypnotism is a powerful tool

for tapping into the subconscious mind.

All right, calm down, children, calm down.

Now, for today's assembly,
you are to be "entertained"

by the amazing Jeffery,

Thanks to a bunch of do-gooder parents
who think school should be fun.

Anyway, please give a third street welcome
to the one, the only, the amazing Jeffery.

Greetings! I am the amazing Jeffery,
Master of the subconscious.

This guy looks goofier than his poster.

For my first demonstration,
I need a volunteer from the audience.

[boy coughs]

OK. Well, perhaps someone from the faculty
would be so kind.

[sigh]

Miss Finster, how about you?

Uh? What?

Go on. The sooner you get out there,
the sooner we get this over with.

How about a nice round
of applause for a great sport?

[few applause]

So tell me, Miss Finster, how old are you?

None of your beeswax!

Oh, come on. Ballpark figure?

- No!
- Let's just say 60. 30? OK, let's say 25.

I shall now regress
the 25-year-old Miss Finster, here

into a mere child of six.

Just watch the pen, Miss Finster.

What a goofball. Nice pen, though.

And there is nothing but the pen,
Miss Finster,

nothing but the pen.

Yeah, nothing but the pen.

Time is moving backwards.

You are growing younger every second.

Younger every second.

Younger and younger and younger still.

When I clap my hands,
you will be a child of six.

[sounds a boing]

Now tell me, how old are you?

I said it was none of your beeswax!

I'm six, but I'll be seven in June.

[bell rings]

[all] Yeah!

[Spinelli] Man, was that guy lame or what?

I told you this hypnotism stuff is bogus.

I can't understand it, it seemed like he
did everything right.

Look, lady, a deal' s a deal.

You owe me money whether
I hypnotized somebody or not.

That's what you think, bub.

Look at me! I'm a speedboat.

[makes engine sound]

Uh-oh. Here comes Principal Prickly.

[makes engine sound]

Yee-ha!

- Hey!
- Hey!

Ha ha ha ha!

Ya-hoo!

Did he just say "ya-hoo"?

Yee-ha ha ha ha! Hoo hoo! Ha ha ha!

Look at me! I'm a bat! Whee-hee! Ha ha!

OK, this right here... this is messed up.

- Uh!
- Um, did he just do what I think he did?

- Yup.
- Ha ha ha.

Ah! Let me at him!

Take it easy Spinelli. That guy controls
your permanent record.

Besides, I'm not certain
he can help himself.

- What are you talking about, Gretchen?
- Let's look at the facts, shall we?

10:04 a.m. the amazing Jeffery
fails to get Miss Finster

to believe she's a first grader.

10:28 a.m. Principal Prickly hangs
from monkey bars claims he is a bat.

Coincidence? I think not.

You mean Principal Prickly thinks he's...

Six years old.

Are you sure?

[gibberish] Yee-ha!

Almost certain.

This is awful. We better tell somebody.

Wait a minute, guys,
let's not be too hasty here.

- What are talking about, man?
- The Principal thinks he's one of us.

Stuff like that doesn't happen every day.

You know, Teej, I think I'm starting
to get your drift.

Yeah, a kid Principal.

The opportunities are limitless.

And, guys, no one else has to know.

[gasps]

You can't treat the amazing Jeffery
like this!

I'm a professional entertainer!

Yeah, yeah, I've seen better acts
in a second-grade talent show.

- Miss Finster! Miss Finster!
- What is it, boy?

You're not going to like it, Miss Finster.
You're not going to like it one bit.

What are you talking about?

Well...

[Miss Finster] What?

Yee-ha! Ha ha ha!

OK, Vince, go up and tell him
you want to be his friend.

Me? Why I have to do it?
It was your idea.

Uh-oh, here comes Finster.

Principal Prickly, sir, come down
from there before somebody sees you!

Why does everybody keep calling me "sir"?

My name's Petey Prickly.

OK, Petey, but you really do have
to come down.

No way, I'm not coming down,
and you can't make me.

B-But, but...

♪ You can't make me, you can't make me ♪
Yee-ha!

Lemon, get that hypnotist on the phone!

Grotke, call a teachers' meeting.
This is a disaster.

Our principal thinks he's six years old.

Hey, Petey, how's it going?

Oh, pretty good, I just found
some real good mud.

Listen, Petey, you want to hear
a funny joke?

Sure.

Well, get a load of this,
you know the teachers?

They think you're the principal.

The principal? That's crazy.
I just started first grade.

Ha ha ha, right, but, anyway,
that's what they think.

And you know we thought might be fun?

What?

If you went and pretended
you were the Principal.

Oh, yeah, that would be real funny.

Real, real, real funny.

The Principal thinks he's a child?

But that's terrible.

Someone ought to call the amazing Jeffery.

The amazing Jeffery
is on his way to a bar mitzvah.

Let's get him back.

In Peru.

[murmurs]

All right, there's no need to panic.

I'm in charge now.

I don't think so.

I'm still the big Principal boss guy
around here.

Principal Prickly, sir, are you all right?

I'm fine, Miss Finster. I just forgot
I was the principal, that's all.

Anyway, I have an agenda, here's a list
of stuff I want you guys to do.

Number one, from now on,

the cafeteria will only serve pizza
and ice cream su...

S... su...

Sound it out.

Su... sundaes, ha.

Number "b",
teachers must show hall passes

to any kid who asks to see it,

but kids can go wherever they want
even the teacher's rooms.

They buying it?

Hook, line, and sinker.

Yes!

Those were very good suggestions,
Principal Prickly.

Why don't we go type them up
while you play games on your computer, OK?

Computer games? Sweet.

Sorry, sir, but it's for your own good,

at least until I can find
another hypnotist.

Hey, she locked me in.

Pf, what a jerk.

[scratches]

Ha ha ha ha.

Ho ho ho ho.

Cool.

I hope nothing' s wrong.
He's been in there a long time.

Relax, they have to do what he says.

Yeah, he is the Principal,
a respected figure of authority.

Testing, one, two, three!

- [burps]
- Ha ha ha ha!

[burping the alphabet]

Maybe no one will notice.
They did serve franks and beans today.

Paging a Mr. I'm. Gassy.

Mr. I'm. Gassy. ha ha ha ha ha!

There.

[making fart noises]

Uh, that is, like, so gross.

[laugh]

He's blocked the door!

[teachers grunts]

Where'd he go?

Look.

Ya-hoo!

Way to go, Petey. You done us proud.

Yeah, that performance on the PA
will go down in playground history.

Gee, thanks, guys. You know, I've never
had this many pals before.

You guys are the best!

Hey, Petey, as long
as you've got us around,

- you'll always have friends.
- Really? Wow, that's neat.

Hey, come on. Last one on the swings
has to eat a bug!

T. J. you can't tell Petey
he'll always be our friend.

- Why not?
- He's not a kid.

That's right, is an interesting point
although we may be feeling

a certain affinity
to the six-year-old Petey,

we mustn't forget that he is after all
the cold-hearted authoritarian

we've come to fear.

Yeah, and I was really starting
to like the little guy.

Now wait a minute, sure,
Petey was Principal Prickly,

but now he's not.
He's just a kid, a really cool kid too.

You heard that alphabet.

But Teej, he can't stay a kid forever.

Yeah, he's a grown man.
It's just not right.

We have to turn him back.
What if something bad happens to him?

Oh, come on, what could possibly go wrong?

[Miss Finster] I'm afraid the situation

has left me no choice.

[Miss Grotke] What do you mean
Miss Finster?

With Principal Prickly
in his current frame of mind,

I'm taking over the school indefinitely.

Of course what I'm saying
must never leave this room.

[T. J.] Uh-oh.

Ha ha ha, yee-ha!

[Spinelli] Hey, Petey,
we got to talk to you.

♪ Sowpokes, slowpokes,
Nothing but some bad jokes ♪

Look, Petey, there's something
we really got to tell you.

- What?
- You're not a kid.

Ah? Sure I am.

I don't sound preposterous, Petey,
but you just think you're a kid.

You're actually a 50-year-old man
with bad back and fallen arches.

B-But that's crazy.
I'm not grown-up. Look at me, I'm 3' 6".

Petey, if you're 3' 6", how come you're
always looking down at us?

I'm just big for my age, that's all.

I'm not a grown-up,
I'm not ready to be a grown-up

Look Petey, I know how you feel.
Being a kid's great,

But being a grown-up' s even better.

Yeah, you get to drive a car.

- And stay up late.
- And go to any movie you want.

No, I'm not a grown-up. I'm a kid.

A kid, I tell you.

Petey, wait!

Come on down, man, before you get hurt.

No! Never! Never!

I won't go! Do you hear me?
I wanna be a kid.

I'm going to stay a kid! Do you hear me?

I won't do it! I don't wanna do it!

I don't want to go back!
I don't want to come down!

I'm a kid!

Look at the pencil, Petey.
There is only the pencil.

When I count backwards to one,
you will be a grown-up again.

- Five, four, three, two, one.
- I'm a kid. A kid!

[bong]

What are you runts looking at?

What am I doing in my underwear?

Miss Finster, get me down from here.
Get me down!

[knock on door]

Come in.

These are the miserable little monkeys
who tried to take advantage of you

when you were incapacitated, sir.

So you think you can make a fool out
of the Principal, eh?

Miss Finster has filled me in
on your little shenanigans.

And I've decided that
the most fitting punishment

for you miscreants is --

Hey, who did this?

Uh, Principal Prickly, sir,

didn't you have something you wanted
to say to these troublemakers?

Hm? Oh, yes.
Just don't do it again, OK?

That's it?

Hey, kids will be kids, Miss Finster.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have work to do.

Oh. Uh, yes, sir.

Come on, you hooligans.

Thanks, Petey.

Huh? What?

You know, maybe I should grow
a beard like that.

[whistling]

[bell rings]