02x03 - The Game/The Lost Ball

[bunniefuu]

[school bell rings]

[children cheer]

Whoa!

Ah!

Urp.

[panting]

You've tormented me
for the last time.

I'm free.

I'm free!

Hey, what's this?

Neat.

So then I says to her,
"But Mom, if you don't care

if it's gray, why do you dye it then?"

Adults are so weird.

Yeah. One does something, they all do it.

-Hey, guys, look what I found.
-What is it, Gus?

I found it in the grass
over by the baseball field.

Uh, looks like a piece of plastic
with a picture of a blue bird on it.

Oh, alert the media.

It's not just any bird.
It's the blue heron.

You don't mean--

That's right.
This is a piece of Ajimbo.

-[all gasp]
-Ajimbo.

Ajimbo.

Ajim-what?

Ajimbo, Gus. It's a game.

But not just any game. Ajimbo is one
of a very class of game,

the kind that takes over a playground,

migrating from school to school,

creating a strange underclass of kids,
kids who can't sleep, can't eat,

can't even go to the bathroom
without thinking about the game.

They become game zombies.

No!

Now we have a piece right before us.
Anybody want to touch it?

Get it away from me!

Oh, brother! It's just a game piece,
you big lummox.

What if we get sucked
into its evil vortex?

[T.J.] Oh, come on, Mikey. With all
the fun stuff we have to do around here,

who would want to play
a dumb old game like that?

Hey! What's this?

Oh, I think it's one
of those Ajimbo things.

They sell them in packs of gum
over Kelso's.

Let's go there after school
and buy some.

Ajimbo!
Ha! I scrammed you.

Aw, man.

Hey! What are you doing?

Playing Ajimbo. It's the greatest.

[Cornchip Girl] Ajimbo!
[laughs]

In your face. In your face!
[laughs]

[laughs]

Hey! Keep your grimy mitts off my tiles.

What's going on?

Some guy started one of those Ajimbo games

and a whole bunch of kids
are getting into it.

I'm heading over to Kelso's right now.
Want to come?

Uh, no, thanks.

Suit yourself.

[Mikey] It's happening. It's happening!

I'll play the silver bat.

That's an owl.

Whatever. I still scrammed you.
[laughs]

[Ashley B laughs]

Ajimbo, Ajimbo!
Like, Ajimbo, OK?

[laughs]

This is crazy.

No one wants to play kickball
or dodgeball or nothing.

It's sucking out their souls!

[T.J.] Sucking out their souls?

You guys are way overreacting.

[girl] Ajimbo!

No! I can't believe it.
I just can't believe it.

You OK, man?

OK? OK? How can you be OK
when you've just lost everything?

Oh, now, surely you exaggerated.
You couldn't have lost everything.

[T.J.] Yeah, come on.
It's just a game.

Just a game?
Don't you understand?

I was this close.
I could have had it all.

I had the silver owl, the green snake,
the black lion,

but I was playing them careful,
leading them on,

pretending like I mostly had
just little stuff.

You know?
The white dove, like that.

I was one turn away
from putting down the black line

and scramming them all
when... when--

When what?

Jared put down that blue heron.

I was wiped out, just like that.

The pink rabbit, the yellow chicken,
the gray monkey...

That's all I got left.

Come on, little chicken,
come with papa.

[clucks]

That young man is seriously disturbed.

This is bad, guys.

The diggers aren't digging,
the swinger isn't swinging.

And look! Upside-down girl
is right side up.

Somebody's got to stop
this thing, but who? Who?

[drum b*ating]

[blows kazoo]

Hear ye, hear ye.

The mighty and honorable King Bob
will now speak.

Kids of the playground. Whoa!
News has reached me

of a strange game
that has spread across the playground,

A game called Abimko.

Ajimbo.

Right, right, Ajimbo.
It has taken over the monkey bars

and swept across the sandboxes.

Kids, you've thrown aside dodgeball
and jump-rope to play this instead.

Even my own carriers have... Whoa!
abandoned me.

And so I got one question to ask:

Can I play?

It's quiet out there, too quiet.

Randall, find out what's going on.

Randall? Randall?

Ya ha ha ha! Ajimbo!

Man, talk about a game for sissies.

Oh, I've lost my chartreuse giraffe.
Oh, me!

It doesn't even make sense.

I mean, some of the rules
are completely inconsistent.

Well, at least we're steering clear of it,
right, guys?

[Gus] Ajimbo!

[all] Gus?

[children shouting]

Ha ha ha!
The green snake, too!

Gus, what are you doing?

Playing Ajimbo, that's what I'm doing.
Oh, it's great, T.J., great!

One minute you're on top.

You've got the black lion,
the spotted eagle,

the purple panther, then pow!

Somebody puts down the brown turtle,
and it's all over.

But then you realize
the dumb little gray monkey

you've been holding on too
is perfect here.

They all think they got you,
but you put it down, and Ajimbo!

Come on, man.
You're going cold turkey.

No, it's a gold turkey.

I've found my calling, and it's Ajimbo!

[all] Ajimbo!

Poor Gus. He was so young, so innocent,
and now he's gone.

Come on, Mikey, you're overreacting.

Am I? You saw what happened.
I'm telling you, that game changes kids.

[Spinelli] Guys, guys!
You'll never guess what happened.

We know, we know, Gus bought out half
of Kelso's gum supply

and now he can't afford lunch.

Worse. Gretchen's playing Ajimbo!

I'll play the white dove.

The white dove? What, is she crazy?
That's worthless.

Well, I'll play the red bear.

Just as I expected.

The orange cheetah? No!

[T.J.] Gretchen, you've got to be kidding.

Actually, T.J., I've now figured it out.
It's just simple mathematics.

See, I played the white dove,
which means she has no choice but to--

Ajimbo!

But... it can't be.
I had a system.

I had a system!

[T.J.] This is bad, Vince, real bad.

First Gus, then Gretchen.
Who's next? You? Me? Spinelli?

[Mikey] Tell me again how Ajimbo's
really a force for good in the world.

[Guru kid] Certainly, my son.

We've got to stop this thing, guys,
and we've got to stop it now.

Yeah, right.
Got any brilliant ideas?

Only one...
we got to take a stand.

Hey, what did you do that for?

Listen to me! All of you, you're letting
a game take over your lives.

You're fighting like animals
over little chunks of plastic.

You've completely forgotten
about what's really important,

like dodgeball, kickball, and jacks.

Friends, remember who you used to be.
No, remember who you are.

Look at me, look at Vince,
look at Spinelli.

So what do you call this thing, anyway?

-Spinelli?
-It's the silver owl,

it fits into all kinds
of different places.

Like here?

Wow. A triple polander.

Hey! I didn't see that.

How could you not see it?
It's right in front of you.

So does this mean I get to pick up
all these tiles?

OK, Gus I can understand, and Mikey,

but Gretchen and Spinelli?

It doesn't make any sense.

-There's only one explanation.
-What's that?

This Ajimbo thing must be funner
than we thought.

Oh, no, Vince. Not you, too.

Teej, I'm only saying
maybe we should give it a chance.

I mean, like you've been saying,
it's just a game.

-But Vince--
-See you later.

Vince! Vince!

[sighs]

[indistinct chattering]

[T.J.] Next up, the seemingly unstoppable
T.J. Detweiler,

who's been 6 for 6 so far in the series

and looks like a shoo-in for MVP.

The crowd roars, and there he goes!

And next up,
who else but T.J. Detweiler?

[imitates roaring crowd]

Oh, what's the use?

You can't just play kickball
all by yourself.

[sighs]

Well, if you can't b*at 'em,

you might as well join 'em.

Ball.

[clears throat]

Uh, looks like that silver owl
blocked your end run strategy, huh, Gus?

You've come to join us.
That is good.

Uh... Yeah, I... I guess it is.

It was inevitable.

Here, take a few of my tiles.

I have many yellow chickens.

[gulps]

[suspense music]

No! I wont give in,
I won't let this thing b*at me.

[Mikey] It's no use, T.J.

Eventually, you will join us.

Never!

You will play.
You will play.

[all] He will play.

He will play.
He will play.

[kindergartners chattering]

Ball good.
[laughs]

Ow.

Wait, I remember that.

We used to play that game, didn't we?

Kick...ball.

We called that kickball.

Yeah, we used to throw the ball
to each other, and then kick it.

And then try to catch it.

And run around the bases.

How about the jungle gym?

Anyone remember that?
I used to love the jungle gym.

I remember... dirt, lots of dirt,
and the sound of shovels!

And jacks!
How could I forget about jacks?

Come on, everybody.
Let's go play.

[shouting]

Hey, you kindergartners,
give us back our ball.

Whew. That was close.
Hey, guys, wait up!

Well, Teej, thanks to you,
everything's back to normal.

Hey, don't thank me,
thank those kindergartners.

They reminded us what we'd given up,
or were just about to.

I'm just glad we tossed
all the Ajimbo pieces

in the incinerator
before it was too late.

Yeah, yeah, it's a beautiful thing.
Enough jabbering already.

Let's see who gets first ups.

Here, I'll flip a coin.

[all gasp]

[stammering]
I thought I got rid of them all.

I don't know about you guys,
But I never want to see this thing again.

-I don't.
-Me neither.

You got that right.

Good riddance.
Now let's play some ball.

-[all] Yeah!
-[Gretchen] It's about time.

[kid] Hey, check it out.

Huh, looks like some kind of bird.

I think it's one of those Ajimbo things.

They sell them in packs of gum
over Kelso's.

Let's go there and buy some.

Did ye do it tonight?
Did ye take the sword Excalibur

and mislay it in yonder cave of doom?

Did ye make a blunder so terrible
it could bring down our beloved England?

Did ye? Did ye?

Well... I didn't mean to.
It's just--

Silence, Knave,

For now ye must decide your fate.
Shall ye enter the cave of doom,

bring back Excalibur, and thereby
restore your knightly honor for all time

or shall ye just chicken out
and be a loser geek like always?

Would I still get to keep the helmet?

-Decide!
-Oh... Uh...

Ah!

You OK, man?

Yeah, I'm fine.
It's just this King Arthur guy

keeps getting scarier and scarier.

[Miss Grotke] OK, people.

Free reading time is over.
Everybody take a deep breath.

Exhale.

Now we're all energized
for our multiplication tables.

[door opening]

Delivery for room 13.

But Hank, I didn't order anything.

Well, you know how it is, school board
can get kind of behind on these things.

1976?

Yep, this stuff was ordered
by Mrs. Gunderson,

God rest her soul, but it says room 13,
so it's all yours.

Well, OK. Let's see
what we have here, shall we?

A bicentennial pencil sharpener,

a chart of the presidents
ending with Carter,

a disco fever crayon and glue set,

and look, what's this?

[all gasp]

Wow, a brand-new mega 5000 wobble
free spirit of '76 kickball.

With super-bounce action,
perfectly balanced,

aerodynamically designed.

They haven't made
these babies since the '80s.

What are we waiting for?
Let's play ball.

-I got first dibs!
-[all speaking]

No, I got it!

Wait! Look, only one kid
can kick it first.

But how are we going to figure out
who that's going to be?

[Vince] The law of the red dot
is ancient and sacred to all kids.

Its decision can never be broken.

Yeah, yeah.
Just give me the helmet.

Ready. Set. Open.

[crowd] AW.

[Gus] I won! I won!
I got the red dot!

Gus gets first kick?

He's the worst kicker
on the playground.

What a waste.

OK, Gus, first kick of a brand-new ball.

-Make it count.
-[gulps]

I'll try.

[Vince] OK, everybody, move in!

[all gasp]

I did it!

Yeah, you did it, Big sh*t.
You kicked our new ball over the fence.

Oops.

Like, look what your little friend
did now, T.J.

The first good ball we've had in years,
and he goes and kicks it over the fence.

[all speaking]

Hey, come on, it's no big deal.

Gus kicked it over and he'll go
get it back. Won't you, Gus?

Well, gee, I don't know.

[all speaking]

It looks kind of scary.

Come on, Gus.
It's no big deal.

Sure. It's just the yard.

[Butch] That's what they want you
to believe.

What are you talking about, Butch?

That yard over there,
that's no regular yard.

Hundreds of balls have been kicked
into it, maybe thousands.

Kickballs, baseballs, footballs,
even a crazy ball or two.

But not one of them
has ever been seen again.

That's why they call it
"The yard of no return."

[all gasp]

Yard of no return?

Oh, come on.
What a bunch of hooey.

Hooey? That's
what little Jimmy Crackmer thought, too.

[kids] Little Jimmy Crackmer?

You know, it all happened
a long, long time ago.

It was the big game of '94,
and Jimmy was up to kick.

Now, normally,
Jimmy wasn't much of a kicker,

but this day was different.

Jimmy kicked that ball hard,

and he kicked it right over the fence.

Kids tried to warn him...

Don't do it, Jimmy!

But he didn't listen,

and they never saw
little Jimmy Crackmer again.

Some kids think he was sucked
into another dimension.

Others say he was captured
by the flesh-eating alien who lives there.

Me? I don't even want to think about it.

-Good job, Gus.
-[school bell rings]

Yeah, kicking our ball
into The yard of no return.

Now it's lost forever.

But... but...

And so the Lost City of Atlantis
was lost forever,

although we're at a loss as to why.

Another famous ocean legend
is the story of Amelia Earhart,

who was lost over the pacific,

which was quite a loss to aviation,
for she was lost, lost, lost...

No return.

Can I borrow a pencil, Gus?
I lost mine.

Hey, maybe Gus kicked it
over the fence, too.

See you later, ball loser.

Yeah, you'd lose your head
if it wasn't attached to a loser.

Come on, Gus, don't listen to them.
It was an accident.

-It could have happened to anybody.
-But it didn't! It happened to me.

Stuff like this always happens to me.

Not always, Gus,
usually, but not always.

Look, I might as well face it.

For the rest of my life,
I'm going to be known

as the kid who lost
the best ball we ever had

and was too chicken to go get it.

I'm nothing but a waste of skin.

See you later, guys. I'm going home,
if I don't get lost on the way.

Oops. [laughs]
Went the wrong way.

[boy] Ball loser.

[Ashley A] Look what your little friend
did now, T.J.

[girl] You'd lose your head
if it wasn't attached to a loser.

[Butch] The yard of no return.

[echoing] No return, no return.

Angela Garcia, Valedictorian.

Thomas Germaine, Class President.

Gus Griswald, Ball loser!

[audience booing]

So, Mr. Griswald, you're interested
in our bank teller position.

Well, everything looks in order. Wait.

It says here you lost a ball
back in fourth grade.

Next.

Oh, yes, Mr. Griswald, is it?

Yes, well, you've been a good person.
There's no big sins.

There's just one thing, though.

You... uh... lost that ball
back in fourth grade

and were too chicken
to go get it, so...

Ah!

[panting]

Oh, it was just a dream.

That's it. Tomorrow after school,
I'm getting that ball.

I have nothing to fear
but fear itself.

Ah!

[school bell rings]

[cheering]

Are you sure you want to do this, Gus?

It's the only way.

OK, man,
but if you get in trouble

just yank on the rope three times,
and we'll pull you back.

Right, in case of emergency
we'll be in radio contact at all times.

-Roger.
-Remember,

you're going for the good ball,
and the good ball only.

-Got you.
-OK, Gus,

anything you want to say
before you go?

Just one thing.

Don't let me do it!
I'm too young to die!

I don't even shave yet!

Come on, man.
Get ahold of yourself.

OK, OK, you guys are right.

I'm...
[gulps]

going over the top.

Good luck, mon ami.

There goes one brave kid.

He has to be brave
to wear that ensemble.

OK, I'm just going to let myself over
real slowly and-- Ah!

[T.J. on the radio] Gus, are you OK, man?

Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.

Can you see anything?

[Gus] I'm in a strange world.

Things are different here,
different, but-- Ah!

Gus? Gus?

[Gus] It's OK.
I'm all right.

It's some weird statue.

It could be a man or something else...

Something not human at all.

I'm going on.

[gasps]

This place gets weirder and weirder.

Who lives here?
I pray I never find out.

[T.J.] Any sign of the ball, Gus?

[Gus] None yet, in fact.
No, wait a minute. I think I see it.

Yes, I do.
There it is, the ball.

[all] Yay!

I am going up to it.
I'm grabbing the ball.

I've got it.
I'm turning around, and I'm--

[gasps]

Ah!

Gus, Gus, are you OK?

No, no!
Please don't hurt me!

I'm just a kid! Don't eat my flesh!
I'm too young to die!

-I'm too young to--!
-[static]

Gus!

Pull him back!
Pull him back!

No!

Quick. Tie me on.
I'm going over.

T.J. don't do it.
That yard will take you, too.

Look, all this time
we've been picking on Gus

for kicking our ball over the fence.

Now we're the ones who lost something

in The yard of no return,
only this time, it's Gus,

and I say we gotta get him back.

T.J. is right!
Let's go get our friend!

Wait! There's no way
we can all climb over that fence.

Yeah, we only got one rope.

[T.J.] OK, then, to the front door!

[children shouting]

[all screaming]
It's the flesh-eating alien!

[all screaming]

Hello, children. May I help you?

[stamering] But you're not
a flesh-eating alien.

No, just a harmless old lady.

Name's Dottie, Dottie Deeter.
My friends call me Dot.

But if you're not an alien--

Then why are you wearing those clothes?

Oh, you mean my bug-spraying outfit?

I wear it when I spray my exotic plants
in the backyard.

Keeps the lungs clean,
if you know what I mean.

OK, Dottie, if that really is your name,
what have you done with our friend?

Your friend? Oh, you must mean Gussie.

Gussie, your little friends are here!

-Hey, guys.
-Gus, what are you doing?

Eating cookies. Dottie made them.
She uses twice the morsels, and look.

[all] The ball!

But what about
The yard of no return?

Yard of no return?

[laughs]

Oh, you kids slay me.

-[Dottie laughs]
-[kids mutter]

Mrs. Deeter, we owe you an apology.

Yeah. We thought you were
a flesh-eating alien. No offense.

Oh, none taken,
besides you got your ball back, right?

Of course it would have been a lot easier

if you had just come to the front door
and asked for it.

Cookies?

[all speaking]

By the way,
you kids want the rest of them?

More cookies?
No, I couldn't possibly.

No. I mean, balls.

I've got a million of them.

What are you talking about, Dottie?

All these years, balls have been flying
into my yard.

Hundreds of them. Kickballs, footballs,
even a crazy ball or two.

One even cracked my lawn gnome.

I didn't know what to do with them, so...

[all gasp]

-Balls!
-Balls!

Balls!

[all cheering]

You did it, Gus.

Yeah. You didn't just get us one ball,

you got us thousands!

You're a real hero, man.

Gee, thanks, guys.

[all] Gus! Gus!

That's enough, really.

I'm starting to get afraid of heights.

I get nosebleeds.
No, no! Please! Ah!

[Dottie] Oh, that is beautiful, isn't it?

[gasps]
Hm? What's that, Gnomey?

Well, yes, yes, he does remind me
of that nice Jimmy Crackmer.