02x09 - The Story of Whomps/Weekend at Muriel's

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheering]

[screaming]

Ah!

[Becky] Aren't you glad I made you
keep up with your homework

-While you were out sick?
-Yeah, mom.

It was real fun
doing long division

while chirping chips
into a wastebasket every five minutes.

Hey, being sick a whole week
can really put you behind.

[Becky] Well, here we are.

Thanks, mom.
See you after school.

Hey, it's the old throw-up king.
Welcome back, Teej.

Spinelli sort of took over
during your absence.

She's a lot less willing
to talk things out.

Man, nothing ever changes
around here.

-Hey, what's with?
-Three stickers, please.

Stickers?
What are you talking about?

Let me handle this, Teej.

Excuse my friend, here.
He's been out sick.

And, uh,
here's a little something for you.

-What was that?
-Well, you see, Teej,

there's been
a lot of change around here.

It's Monstickers, Teej.

Those dumb things
kids put on their notebooks?

Correct. The colorful collectible
stickers have become popular.

Yeah, if you don't have Monstickers,
kids won't let you do anything.

-You mean they're like money?
-Only better.

Money doesn't feature
bloodsucking ghouls from beyond the grave.

Two stickers, please.

It's water!
You can't charge for water.

-Two stickers!
-I don't have any stupid stickers.

Then you and I have a problem.

No, you don't, no problem at all.

Hey, Teej, take it easy.
I'm not made out of stickers, you know.

So then I told Miss Lemon,
"you don't file it under MC,

You file it under MAC.'"

[all laughing]

Since when does Menlo have friends?

Since he became
the richest kid in school.

He's got family stickers.
His uncle gave him a case.

Wow. At Third Street school,
you miss a little, you miss a lot.

Ah, here's a beauty.
All leather, rubberized grip.

Who'll give me five stickers?
Do I hear five stickers?

I see five.
Who'll bid me six?

I don't have any stickers.
What do I do?

-I've got seven!
-Uh, listen, T.J.,

the balls are probably
a little out of your league.

Maybe you should find
something cheaper to do.

-I'll pay you back.
-When you can.

[Randall] I've got seven,
do I see eight?

Ah.
Now this I can afford.

Man, I got to get me
some stickers.

-Sold out?
-[man] Sorry, kids.

I'm out of Monstickers,
but I so have these.

[man] Lick 'n' Stick Alien Stamps.
They're the latest thing.

I understand kids in Japan
are going ape for them.

Yeah, right. We're not falling
for that "came from Japan" stuff.

Remember Yoshi trolls?
Come on, guys.

Now what am I going to do?
Without stickers, I'm sunk.

You can play kickball on the park
with us. We won't charge you anything.

No, thanks.
I got a little moping to do.

[Menlo] Do mine eyes deceive me?

The great T.J. Detweiler
down on his luck?

What do you want, Menlo?

Just passing by.
It's a free country.

-Outside the playground, that is.
-[laughing]

You know, Detweiler,
I've always fancied that cap of yours.

-You mean the hat?
-Care to part with it?

-I'll pay you handsomely.
-Get lost. I'm not selling my hat.

It's my identity, my trademark.

[Menlo] Five Monstickers
for your trademark.

That should be attractive
to a man in your situation.

All right, take the darn thing.

Kind of whomps,
doesn't it, Detweiler?

-[Menlo] Toodles.
-[all laughing]

This will have to do for now.

I may be down on my luck,
but I'm not out.

I'll be back. I'll work, sweat, and toil
like no kid before me,

And one day,
as I play and breath,

I'll have enough stickers
to buy back my hat, my dignity,

and maybe even a ball.

- Good work, boy.
-Thank you, sir. Always at your service.

[Laura] Thanks, kid.
I needed a little breather.

No, no. Thank you.

You'll have to dig deeper, T.J.,
if you want the four stickers.

Of course. I'm just glad
to have the opportunity.

Hey, T.J., now that you have
stickers of your own,

want to come to the ball auction
with us?

No time, guys.

I got so much work, I don't know
how I'm gonna get it all done.

Hey, wanna earn
a little something extra?

Sam and Dave pay top sticker.

No thanks, Teej.
You'll never catch me

-working at recess.
-Yeah, recess is for fun.

Hey, I bet between us, we have enough
for a tether ball game.

-[Dave] Pick up the pace, Detweiler.
-Right away, sir.

Man, I've been busting my hump for days

and I'm still just a working-class schmo
living sticker to sticker.

There's got to be a better way.

Wait a minute.
Maybe there is.

Here's my offer:
I pay you 20 stickers upfront,

I watch the door,
and we split the take 50-50.

-Thirty upfront.
-Twenty five.

Deal.

Ha, cool. I hated getting up early
in the morning anyway.

Hey, kid, want to make
a few extra stickers?

-Uh, sure.
-I'll pay you

two stickers a day
to work the door for me.

-How does that sound?
-Two stickers

just to stand there all day?
Deal.

Tender.

They seem to be doing
a pretty good job.

Hey, customer satisfaction
is job one,

And getting paid is job two.
Start forking, boys.

[pager beeps]

Say, isn't that the boy
who used to--

Nah, couldn't be.

-[stomping]
-And that's two stickers

from the kid
with the purple lunch box.

[Randall] Going once, going twice--

Three hundred stickers
for all the balls!

[all] Oh!

All the balls? Yeah, right.

Does anyone care
to outbid me?

Then it seems
you have no choice.

-Uh--
[all] Scandalous!

Here's four stickers.
Never say that again.

But-- If you take all my balls,
I'll be out of a job.

Oh, I don't intend to auction off
all the balls myself.

I'll keep you on
in a reasonable wage.

Wow. Thanks, T.J.

I mean, Mr. Detweiler.

Wow, Teej, you dropped
some major stickerage back there.

It was an investment.
Those stickers will come back to me,

and they'll bring friends.
And speaking of friends,

I'm always looking for good,
hard-working people to help me out.

Of course, I'll understand if you guys
rather just play at recess.

Play, schmay.
I need some jack. Cut me in, Teej.

Me, too. I need water.

Here're those reports on sticker spending
you wanted, Mr.Detweiler.

[T.J.] Good work, Randall.

Hmm, the slide is making
a nice little comeback.

Excuse me, Mr. Detweiler,
but I was wondering

if you might be interested
In buying your old hat back.

Well, well,
how the mighty have fallen.

Please, Mr. Detweiler, sir,
I beg of you,

I've lost everything.
I haven't a monsticker to my name.

Too much gadding about, eh?
No matter. Let's see.

You wearing the hat
has certainly lowered its value.

But I suppose
I could part with one sticker.

One sticker?

Take it or leave it, cootie heat.
I'm a busy man.

All right, all right.

[laughing]

Hey, T.J., lunch tray revenues
are starting to slip

since the kids are using their books
to carry food.

Oh, really?
Then double the tray rental fee

and institute a fine for anyone
using their books to carry food.

Excuse me, sir,
but according to my calculations,

you now control four of every five
Monstickers in Third Street school.

Excellent. Now we just need
to figure out a way to get the rest.

But, T.J.! The kids can't afford
to do anything as it is.

Look around!

[Gretchen]
They don't have stickers for balls,

they don't have stickers
to play on Old Rusty.

They can't even sit on the grass.

Everyone either works for you
or just stands around and does nothing.

Good point. Gus, start charging kids
for standing around.

We'll call it a loitering fee.

You can't charge kids
just to stand around.

Watch me.
Where's that drink I asked for?

Here you go, Mr. T.J... sir.
nice, cold juice.

Juice?
I don't want juice!

I very explicitly asked you
for chocolate milk!

If you expect to be paid around here,
you better start carrying your weight.

Yes, sir, Mr. T.J., sir.

T.J., that was just a little kid!

We're all little kids.

It's the guts and spirit inside
that makes us more.

You used to have something
really nice inside, T.J., but--

But what? I'm still the same T.J.
you guys know and love.

I'm just rich, that's all.

Here. This is one of the best
playground balls I own.

Take a ten minute brake
and play with it,

You just don't get it, Teej.

You want 15 minutes?

You know what?
We don't want anything from you.

-We quit.
-[all] Yeah.

Fine, quit.

Ingrates.
Where's that chocolate milk?

It sure is amazing
what a few stickers will do to a kid.

Yeah. But I never thought
it would happen to T.J.

Wow, a real ball.

I haven't seen one of these in days.
Can I play with it?

Not unless you got
a handful of Monstickers.

Nobody's got Monstickers anymore,

But I got these.

[kid] Lick 'n' Stick Alien Stamps.
They come all the way from Japan.

Hmm.

I'm glad you came aboard, Randall.

My organization needs
some go-get-it-ers like you.

-Now go get me some candy.
-But I just brought you candy.

When T.J. Detweiler wants candy,

he wants candy, not excuses.
Now go!

Hello, old friend.

Do you recognize me
now that I'm rich?

I'm sorry about selling you,
but it was necessary.

A lot of things were.

Don't believe the scrap
that they say.

They're all just jealous.
Jealous do you hear me?

It's just you and me now, cap,

And Randall if he ever gets back
with that candy.

I can't go back there.
That guy is nuts!

[munching]

I don't need anyone!
I'm a self-made boy!

I'm king of the world!

[echoing]
World, world, world...

[hustle]

Ah! Kids are laughing and playing.

Old man Kelser must have gotten
more Monstickers.

Not t worry.
They'll be mine soon enough.

You there, boy,
I'm feeling zesty.

I'll give you 20 stickers
for that ball of yours.

Twenty stickers?
You got a deal.

Wait a minute.
These are Monstickers.

Of course they're Monstickers, nitwit.

Too bad.
I don't take Monstickers.

What?

You there. How many Monstickers
to rent your flying disc?

Monstickers?
Those are so over.

Over? But--
But that's absurd!

-Two, please.
-Two Monstickers, right?

Afraid not. We're operating
on Lick 'n' Stick Alien standard, now.

Alien stickers?
But-- No, it can't be.

I'm-- I'm busted!

[echoing] Busted, busted...

Looks like you could use a lift, man.

I don't deserve a lift,
not after how I acted.

I got so caught up
in hoarding stickers,

I forgot I wanted them
so I could play with you guys.

Hey, we all make mistakes.
How about a round of kickball?

Really? You mean you guys
would actually take me back

-just like that?
-Well, actually,

there are a few conditions.

And finally, you shall vow
never to seek control of more than 10%

of the total number
of the collectible stickers

there's on the playground
at any one time.

But a kid's gotta eat.
Let me have 15%.

-Just sign it.
-[groaning]

Welcome back, T.J.
Now let's go play.

I would love to guys, But I don't have
a Lick 'n' Stick under my name.

I got to get to work.

Oh, good,
King Bob looks sweaty.

Uh-oh.

[kids screaming]

Man, look at all these kids.
It's never going to be our turn.

No one plays forever, Gus.

There are merely 27 kids ahead of us.

-Out of the way, fourth-grader.
-Make that 28.

[groaning]

Come on, let me in!

[Mikey] Help, help, I'm stuck!

[laughing]

I got it, I got it!

-Huh?
-[grunting]

-[bell rings]
-[chattering]

Man, this school
is getting more crowded every day.

Overcrowdedness is a growing trend
in the public school system.

Our district is no exception.

Hey, at least we've got lunch
to look forward to.

Oh, no, not another line.

Yeah, but this time it's worth it.
Look what we're having.

Tuna fish tacos, my favorite!

Good thing I brought
my trusty hot sauce.

[yawning]

Just one more kid.

Hey, Edith,
we're out of tuna fish tacos.

-Oh, no!
-Don't panic.

The nutritionists are probably cooking up
a fresh batch as we speak.

Here you go, kids,
creamed liver and eggplant.

[Spinelli]
Man, what a lousy day.

Yeah, just once I wish we had
the whole school to ourselves.

Nobody to mess up
our kickball games.

Nobody to make us wait
in big lines.

Nobody to snarf down
all those tasty tacos.

Who are we kidding?
It's just a dream.

And there's no room for dreaming
at Third Street school.

-[all] Yeah.
-[Spinelli] Yeah, never was.

[bell rings]

Come on, guys,
we're going to be late!

Huh?

Hey, where is everybody?

We must be later than I thought.

It can't be that late.

According to my watch,
which I set every morning

to the atomic clock
in Boulder, Colorado,

it's only 30 seconds after 8:00.

But if you're wrong,
we'll get detention.

Come on!

-Miss Grotke?
-Huh?

Oh, I thought you kids
were all sick today.

Well, I feel fine.

Oh. You kids must not have eaten
the fish tacos.

Don't remind us.

Well, every kid that did eat them
is home sick today.

-You mean... we're all alone?
-Apparently.

But, Miss Grotke,
didn't you eat the fish tacos?

Well, actually, Gus, the faculty eats
slightly different food than you kids do.

-How's the pheasant prepared?
-Seared in a light plum sauce,

served with braised asparagus tips.

Excellent,
and we'll need some more bread.

Anyway, since the rest of the class
is out today,

We're going to spend the day exercising
the creative side of our brains.

-In other words...
-Free day.

Tender.

[making airplane noises]

[bell rings]

Oh, it seems to be time for recess.

You guys thinking what I'm thinking?

[gasp]

-It's beautiful.
-It's magnificent.

And it's ours, all ours!

Wait a minute.
What about Finster?

Huh. I wonder where she is.

I'd feel better if you'd let me
Inspect the child in person.

I brought my own thermometer.

[imitates Tarzan]

[bouncing]

Hey, you, boy,
fetch me a winger-dinger.

[laughing]

[airplane noises]

Was there ever such a recess?

All that playing
really built me up an appetite.

Wow.

[Gretchen] I never realized
this room was so big.

-Yeah, no kids, no lines.
-And look.

[all] Pizza!

Here's one for you.

And two for you.

And-- Aw, heck, have as much as you want.
We've got plenty.

Every guy gets his own table!

Hey, Vince,
got a spare pepperoni?

He fades back,
sees Detweiler...

-Touchdown!
-[cheering]

You know, a fellow
could get used to this.

I most certainly see the advantages
of low student- to-teacher ratios.

It's weird, but I'm looking forward
to school tomorrow.

[tuba sounds]

Good morning, healthy people.
Looks like it's just us again.

Say, where's T.J.?
I hope he hasn't gotten sick as well.

Hi, sorry I'm late, but I didn't want
to come to school unprepared.

I've got comics for everyone.

Senor Fusion's, volumes 1 through 273.

Including his adventure
with lobster boy?

Got a chocolate stain on the cover,
but the gold shines through.

I compliment you
on your preparedness, T.J.,

but I decided today will be a tad
more structured than yesterday.

What are you talking about,
Miss Grotke?

Since we're going to be on our own,
longer that I hoped,

I thought we'd try some
alternate teaching methods.

Let's start
by refocusing our chi.

Refocusing our chi?

In other words, everyone move up
to the front row.

Ah, the energy feels better already.

-Man, this whomps.
-What was that, T.J.?

-Nothing, Miss Grotke.
-Good.

Now that there are just a few of you,

I'll finally be able to give you each
the attention you deserve.

Oh-Oh.

Man, I hate being in the front row.
She sees everything we do.

Well, at least we still have recess.

-Maybe we should play kickball.
-[Vince] With six guys?

We don't even have enough
for one team.

Want to break
into the Ashleys' clubhouse?

Steal their make up kits?

Nah, that's no fun without the Ashleys
to scream and chase us.

[making airplane noises]

[imitates Tarzan]

Oh, what's the use?

[Grotke] And that pretty much covers
every subject and topic

in the entire fourth-grade curriculum.
Any questions?

No? Well, then let's get
a head start on fifth grade.

[T.J.] Well, at least
we still have lunch.

-Yeah, let's just chow down and--
-Oh, no!

Please, not that!

Leftover pizza?

Sorry, kids. Not enough mouths
to feed yesterday.

[cracking]

Mmm. Gimme.

[bell rings]

Oh, before you go,

I need you to take
your sick classmates their homework.

Miss Grotke,
every kid in class is sick.

That's why I prepared this map.

Now, I've divided the city
into quadrants.

Why? Why is this happening?

Sort of ironic, isn't it?

The thing we wished for most
has become our greatest nightmare.

Look at the bright side.

Sooner or later,
everyone's going to get better

and come back to school.

Heck, I bet most of them
will be back tomorrow.

Man, that must have been
some bad tuna.

The lonely creak of empty swings,

The cavernous echo of vacant bathrooms.

I can't take it anymore!

I'm going to do something
I should have done a long time ago!

-He's got a note!
-No, Gus.

Don't do something
you're going to regret.

I need to, T.J.
Don't try to stop me!

Put down the note, Gus, just put it down
and everything will be OK.

Never!

[grunting]

I could have got out.
I really could have.

"Dear Miss Grotke,

please excuse our son Gus
from school today.

He's so sick, he'd better stay home
till the other kids are well".

Signed, my Mom?

-That's pathetic.
-Is it?

What do you mean, T.J.?

Well, sure, it's a pretty crummy note,
but maybe Gus was on to something.

I mean, if they thought we were sick,
they'd have to let us out of school too.

What? You want us all
to write fake notes?

Nah, too obvious.
They'll figure it out.

On the other hand, if the school nurse
said we were sick...

Why would she do that?

I have a thought.
Follow me.

[Gretchen] Nurse Kramer,
we've got a problem.

-What's that, children?
-Gus isn't feeling too well.

[moans]

Oh, well,
sit down here, Gus.

-You don't feel hot.
-[moans]

Oh, I'd better take
your temperature.

[Kramer] All right.
Put this thermometer in there

and keep it in until--

No, no!
Don't take it out yet.

-Anything?
-Oh. Here's a good one.

Well, it's normal.
Are you sure you're sick?

[moaning]

Do you have the bucket?
[moaning]

-OK, I think I've got it.
-[clears throat]

Oh, wow!
I feel much better now.

Thanks, Mrs. Kramer.
You sure are one great nurse.

You sure
this is going to work, Gretchen?

Trust me, T.J.

The rest of you
start eating that blue candy.

[munching]

[gasp]
I've never seen such a thing!

[moaning]

What could be wrong with you?

Perhaps you should seek help
from an appropriate...

...medical text.

Medical text, right.
Now, where did I put that book?

Second from the left.

Let's see.
Blue tongues, green spots.

Here it is!

Good sweet Mike!
This is horrible!

You children are seriously ill!

Gee, Mrs. Kramer,
I guess you'll have to send us home.

Home? No, that's out of the question.
It's much worse than that.

Worse?
What do you mean worse?

[siren wails]

Nice job, Einstein.

Sorry, guys,
I thought it was supposed to be

green spots, blue tongues,
not the other way around.

Hey, they can't keep us
in here forever.

[man] Please remain calm.

We've got the best experts
in the country

flying in right now.

You'll all pull through.

[sobbing] I hope.

They're so young, so young.

[T.J.] Man, look at all those kids.

[Vince] I sure wish
I was out there with them.

[T.J.] Same here, man.
Same here.

[bell rings]