02x13 - Principal for a Day/The Beauty Contest

[bunniefuu]

[bell ringing]

-[m*llitary music]
-[children cheering]

[chewing]

[scream]

Ah!

[burps]

This is your last chance to fill out
your Principal for a Day entry forms.

No purchase necessary.
Fill out as many as you want.

Looks like we have a winner.

I should hope so. I got writer's cramp
from filling all these things out.

[tension music]

OK, guys.

I believe it's time to field-test
Gretchen's secret w*apon.

If my calculations hold true,
T.J. should be able to kick

the ball farther than
he's ever kicked a ball before.

Quit prolonging the agony,
Detweiler. You're up.

You might want to back up,
boys and girls.

-Eureka!
-Yes!

[horror music]

Uh-oh.

Nice kick, Detweiler.

[giggling] Maybe it was one
of the other kids with a giant shoe.

March!

Your window-breaker, sir.

So, this is the boy who would break
the window of a principal. Tell me, Son,

you see me breaking windows
where you work?

Actually, I'm too young to work, sir.

My Dad says I can have
a paper route as soon as I turn--

Enough.
A transgression of this severity

must wind up in... the Prickly Files.

-[suspense music]
-[gasps]

This is for your own good, Son.
Now, sign it.

Oh, man, this whomps.

You know, these files will hound you
until you finish college.

If you finish college.

-May I be excused?
-From here? Yes.

By society? I sincerely doubt it.

Rotten troublemaker.

You know, sir,
I'm not much of an idea gal,

but I just dreamed up a doozy.

That boy, Detweiler, might be
a perfect candidate

for Principal for a Day.

Finster, are you mad?
He just broke my window.

Mad like a fox, sir.

Don't you remember what Menlo was like
before he was "randomly chosen"?

Hmm.

[laughs maniacally]

Whoa! Whoa! Ugh!

Yes, transformation was startling.

[Menlo]
Your mint, sir?

[classical music]

Yes. Thank you, boy.

Always at your service.

A day with you can work wonders, sir.

Imagine what you could do with
a not-so-rotten apple like Detweiler.

Yes, I could mold him,
transform him into my likeness.

I'll call it the Prickly Method.
I'll write a book.

Only one problem,
what if he doesn't win?

Leave that to me.
[laughs maniacally]

Every year they pick some kid,
let him sit in Prickly's chair,

make the morning announcements,

then send him back to class.
What a joke.

Yeah, big froop and whoop.
I didn't bother filling out a form.

Here we go, everyone.
And the winner is--

Thank you, thank you.
Excuse me, pardon me.

Out of my way or you get detention,
'cause here comes principal--

T.J. Detweiler!

[gasps]

[students cheering]

But this is impossible.

I thought you didn't even fill out a form.

I didn't.
Someone must have voted for me.

Three cheers for principal T.J.!

Hip-hip hooray!
Hip-hip hooray!

Hip-hip hooray!

And so it begins.

[whistling]

[cheering]

Thank you, thank you,
my fellow students.

[Spinelli]
Long live Principal T.J.!

What special treatment can I have?

There's something for everyone.
Trust me.

I'm a principal from the kids,
by the kids, and for the kids.

[crowd cheering]
Yay!

-No. No. Request denied.
-[T.J.] Looky who it is,

your worst nightmare.

I don't know how you rigged
this contest, Detweiler, but remember,

when tomorrow morning's bell rings
I'll be back in charge.

-I believe you're in my seat.
-When you--

Uh-uh-uh.
T.J. principal today.

Wow, this is one big chair.

Yes, it is, and it takes
a big man to fill it.

-Whoo-hoo!
-If you have a moment,

it's time for
the morning announcements.

Thought you'd never ask.

And by the way,
I'm required to let you know

that, as principal for a day,
anything you say goes.

Lousy town charter.

[microphone feedback]

Attention, students,
Principal T.J. here.

This is gonna be good.

Since I'm a principal from the kids,
by the kids, and for the kids, it's time

to make things a little more kid-flavored
around this joint.

-That's our boy.
-Principal T.J.'s rule number one,

students may refuse
to answer teachers' questions

on the grounds that, heck,
they may not know the answer.

-Yes!
-Finally!

Rule the second,
today's lunch will hereby be pizza

and for dessert,
all-you-can-eat chocolate chip cookies.

Some are just born to lead.

Rule the third,
chewing gum is encouraged,

while sharing it is strictly forbidden.

Bring your own
or chew paper, suckers!

At last, a fair and just official.

And, finally, effective immediately,
all-day recess!

[children cheering]

You rock, Teej.

Wait till you hear
my no-homework policy

and receive something
for my big finale.

[Spinelli]
You're the best!

I'm surprised, Detweiler.
I didn't think you had it in you.

-Say what?
-Well, a lot of kids

would've come in here and wimped out,

but you went all the way.
You're a leader, boy.

Ah, I wouldn't be surprised
if you had what it takes

to be a real principal someday.

-Really?
-[buzzer]

[Lemon]
Sorry to interrupt, sirs,

but a student has been caught
sharing gum.

-So?
-Forgotten your rules already?

A pupil has directly violated your orders.
I think you know what you have to do.

Um, overlook it?

I see.
So I was wrong about you after all.

You're just going to end up one
of those ineffectual principals,

all bark and no teeth, eh? Ah.
Can't say I'm not disappointed.

Miss Lemon, send the kid in.

Yo, Teej, I broke a rule, man.

So what are you going
to give me, a soda?

[chuckles]

Uh, well, actually, Lawson,
I'm giving you a detention.

What? But, Teej, buddy--

-[sad music]
-Please, leave me.

Come on, tough guy.

[slam]

It's OK, lad.

I remember the first time
I had to give a detention.

It took me...
moments to calm down.

No, you don't understand.
I... I liked it.

You know, T.J., may I call you T.J.?
You really are a natural-born leader.

Let me show you how we big sh*ts cope
with the stress and unwind.

Would you like to be orange or blue?

Line it up.
Keep your head down.

-Read the green.
-Check.

-[The Ashleys] Scandalous!
-[clack]

Dang it!
I had that putt clean!

I don't wanna tell you
how to do your job,

but distractions like
that wouldn't happen

if those kids were in class
where they belong.

You make a good point.

Students of Third Street School,

may I have your attention, please?

Recess,
everyone's favorite time of the day,

is hereby over. I want everyone
back in their classes, pronto!

[crowd moping]

You heard your principal. Move along.
Come on! Hyah! Hyah!

-Excellent move, Principal Detweiler.
-Thank you, sir.

But in order to be
a really top-notch principal,

you're going to need
to change your image.

After all, respect is measured
by the price of a man's suit.

-But I like my clothes.
-Do you like them more than... this?

Behold! Prickly's house of style.

Oh, gabardine.

[gasps]
Whatever happened to all-day recess?

Don't worry. Teej must have
something up his sleeve.

[T.J.]
May I have your attention, please?

-[muttering]
-I said attention!

I am hereby rescinding
all my earlier rules

and replacing them with new ones.

I recognize Prickly,
but who's that midget in the suit?

That's no midget, Gus,
that's Principal T.J.

He's more machine than kid now.

First, your lunch hour will be cut short
and dessert will be eliminated.

[crowd moping]

New rule number two, recess,
only because it is required

by those bureaucrats downtown,
will be cut to four minutes.

Anyone breaking the new rules will receive
a Level Four detention.

Now finish your lunch
and get back to class!

-[horror music]
-Transformation complete.

A little higher, Lou.
[sighs]

[Lemon]
Principal Detweiler,

we nabbed a sixth grader
for running in the hall.

Ugh! Blasted kid.
I was just beginning to relax.

Running in the hall?
Running in the hall?

Why must you turn my hall
into a den of running?

I'm sorry.
It's just that I don't feel so good.

I was running to the bathroom to--

I'm not interested in excuses!

This horrible infraction is going
right into the Prickly Files.

-What? B-But, sir, I--
-I'm doing this for your own good.

Now, sign it!

Oh, man, this whomps.

[T.J.'s voice]
What you looking at?

OK, OK, that's enough.

Now get out and leave
Principal Detweiler alone.

-That was outstanding. I never...
-[sad music]

I-Is something the matter, Son?

No, I'm fine. It's just...
Time for change, that's all.

Discipline around
here has been too lax lately.

I'm gonna clean house!
I'm starting off

with the worst miscreants in the bunch!

Miss Lemon, send up
LaSalle, Grundler,

Blumberg, Griswald,
and Spinelli, now!

Oh, your best friends. Nice touch.

It's about time
those five were entered

alphabetically, of course,
in the Prickly Files.

You're good.
You're very good.

Happy punishment, hoodlums.

Well, look who's here.
You must think you're pretty great,

with your rock 'n' roll
and your funny books.

What's this all about, Teej, sir?

Yeah, we didn't run
or talk or nothing.

You'll see soon enough.

Peter, I'd like to handle these
on my own, if you don't mind.

Well, it's a little early
for you to fly solo,

but you've earned it, captain.

Make me proud.

[horror music]

[T.J.] You didn't run
or talk or nothing, eh?

What do you take me for, a fool?

-Well?
-It was beautiful.

I knew I could turn him around.

The boy's a natural.
Five minutes in there,

and those no-gooders will be begging
for mercy.

[T.J.] Now, hear this!
There will be an assembly

on the playground at 2:45 sharp.

It's time all you bad seeds got
what you deserve! That is all.

Collective punishment.
Oh, the boy's a genius!

[muttering]

What do you suppose
he's gonna do to us?

Nothing that our spirits cannot endure...
I hope.

Well, well, well, my young charges.
It's been nice, but now it's time

for you, Third-Streeters,
to get your just desserts.

[sirens blaring]

Free ice cream for everybody!

[crowd cheering]
Yay!

We got hot dogs
and sno-cones, too.

-[screaming]
-[fanfare]

What's the meaning of this, Detweiler?

Oh, nothing. I just figured
with one hour left as principal,

why not do something really memorable,

like throw the biggest party
this school's ever seen?

[crowd cheering]

You could have been
one of the greats, kid.

Yeah, maybe,
but then I would've been

something I'm not,
a power-hungry grownup.

Thank goodness
I figured out who I am

before it was too late, huh, sir?

I almost had him, Muriel, almost.

Don't worry, sir.
There's always next year.

[horror music]

[Ashley A]
Like, these are the entry forms for

the official Kiddie Cosmetics'
Little Miss Blush beauty contest.

Pageants, nature's way
of pointing out perfection.

I'm totally sure an Ashley will take
the crown again this year.

So fill out your entry forms
in pink ink, please, and dazzle them.

[Spinelli]
Like, totally special delivery!

-[splash]
-[screams]

My pores! My pores!

Ew! Impurities!

Got 'em.
[laughs]

Uh, that Spinelli just miffs.

I wish there was some way
we could get her back.

Yeah, we, like, totally need revenge.

Think, Ashleys, think.
Oh, I have an idea.

What if we entered that obnoxious tomboy
in the beauty contest?

Yeah. We'll write an essay
and sign her name.

It's sure to get her nominated
and, like, totally humiliate her.

Scandalous!

In 1932, Amelia Earhart flew
across the Atlantic,

becoming an outspoken model
of rugged feminism of--

Hi, I'm Guy McMahon
with Kiddie Cosmetics,

sponsor of the
Little Miss Blush beauty pageant.

Hello, uh, Guy.
Can I help you?

I'm here to shine a big spotlight

on those lucky girls selected
to compete in this year's pageant.

[whispering]
Good. All the better to aim at.

[horror music]

The finalists are... drum roll, please.

[drum roll]

Ashley Armbruster.

Who, me? Quel surprise!

[Guy] Ashley Quinlan.

I only just now got over
the excitement of last year's contest.

Ashley Tomassian,
Ashley Boulet,

and, finally, Ashley Spinelli.

Say what?

[laughter]

[Spinelli]
I didn't enter any beauty contest.

I'd rather scarf down a dead bird.

Who did this to me? That's what
I want to know. Who did it?

Well, whoever it was dotted
their "I's" with hearts.

I know only four girls who do that.

The Ashleys.

Time to start throwing
something other than dirt bombs.

Wait a sec, Spinelli.
Think about it,

why b*at them up
when you could just b*at them?

What are you talking about?

Come on, it's the ultimate way

to get back at the Ashleys.
Be a contestant and win.

Yeah, I see what you're going for.

No way! I'm not entering
no beauty contest.

But, Spinelli, a pageant could be fun.
We'll transform you.

You'll emerge from the chrysalis
a beautiful butterfly.

You're on mighty thin ice, Mikey.

Actually, he's got a point.

I've always thought
you had excellent bone structure.

Really? No, I couldn't.

Still, it would be pretty great to see
the look on the Ashleys' faces

-if i b*at 'em.
-What do you mean "if"?

Spinelli, you're gonna win that contest.
You're on my team.

And I'm gonna apply
the same rigorous standards to you

that I apply to myself.
Try not to hate me.

OK, Spinelli. I was up
all night watching videotapes

of the last seven
Little Miss Blush pageants,

and I've prepared
A Program For Victory.

Our first lesson, the walk.

Now watch closely, Spinelli.
I'm only gonna do this once.

Step, step, sashay.
Step, step, sashay.

OK, rookie, you try it.

Step, step... oh!
[thud]

This is gonna take longer than I thought.

Lesson two, the talent segment.

Talent?
I don't have any talent.

Hey, what about
your musical armpits?

Great idea, Mikey.
I could do "Swanee River."

-[armpit fart]
-Scotch that, Spinelli.

The acoustics in the pageant hall

won't support a talent like that.

Wait. I've got it.

I completed an extra credit assignment
just last night.

It's perfect.
Her talent could be plate spinning,

a variety act classic.

Oh, come on.
I can't do that.

Sure, you can.
These plates were hand-thrown by me

and fired in the Grundler kiln.

They're perfectly balanced.
They can't fall. Here.

Hey, I'm doing it! I'm doing it!

[crash]

Oops. Sorry.

Lesson three, hair.

It should be soft, full-bodied,

and frame the face for
a complimentary look.

In other words, lose the hat
and pigtails, Spinelli.

Man, the things a girl has
to do for beauty.

Lesson four,
the question-and-answer segment.

The winners have always mentioned
five things,

world peace, happiness, hair, unity,
and teaching others to read.

OK, got it.

Good. Now, contestant Spinelli,
what are your favorite things in life?

Kickboxing, pro wrestling,
and that first ice ball of winter.

OK. Let's try again.

[Vince]
I hope that dress is OK.

[Gus] Well, it was pretty dark
in the garage last night

when I was sewing it,
but I did my best.

Look, we should just be happy
your Dad let us use his old parachute.

Come on, Spinelli.
Time for the grand unveiling.

[Spinelli]
I'm not coming out!

This thing looks like Gus sewed it
together in the dark!

Spinelli, we've all worked very hard.

We deserve to see
the fruits of our labor.

[sighs]

Look, I'm not wearing this thing
in public, understand?

What?

Yes. It just might work.

Hey, guys, slide me in one
of those fashion magazines.

[Mikey]
Incoming!

[rustle]

Of course. It's merely
a function of proportion.

Spinelli, all is not lost.

I can simply scale
this dress down and copy

a Paris designer's latest sensation.

Great. Can I go back in the stall now?

I've worked her and worked her.
I've taught her everything I know,

but is she ready? Is she ready?

Attention, Team Spinelli.
I present the lovely Miss Ashley Spinelli.

If chosen Little Miss Blush,
most important to me

will be achieving world peace,

adding happiness and unity
to every life I touch,

teaching others to read, and lastly,
managing to do it all in style

with a radiant head
of expertly coiffed hair.

Comments?

I'm gonna win! I'm gonna win!
I'm gonna... I mean, we're gonna win.

[Ashley A]
Nice outfit, Spinelli,

if you're being dropped
behind enemy lines.

Obvious knockoff.

-[laughs]
-I'll knock your head off!

Don't let them get to you, Spinelli.
It wasn't the Ashleys talking.

That was fear.
You got them on the run.

And speaking of runs,
check out your stockings.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to this year's

Little Miss Blush
beauty pageant!

-[fanfare]
-[crowd cheering and whistling]

I don't see Spinelli.
Does anyone see Spinelli?

What are you blind?
There she is.

-Where?
-On the left.

Between the two other ones.

That's not her.
She's the one on the right.

Oh, wait.
Is she the one in the middle?

I must say, they do all look similar.

There she is! The one
who packed a knuckle sandwich.

[applause]

[horror music]

I can't believe you showed up. I mean,
what's your talent, changing oil?

You know you can't win.

I'm here for one reason,
to take you Ashleys down!

Yeah, right.
Prepare to lose, Spin-Ugly.

[audience cheering]

-[thud]
-[audience moping]

[audience cheering]

♪ 'Cause we're the girls
Who didn't win ♪

Thank you, girls who didn't win.
There will be more of you very shortly

after we announce
our three shimmering finalists.

You might as well take that dress
back to the surplus store, Spin-Ugly,

'cause us finalists are jumping
without you.

Finalist number one,
Ashley Quinlan.

Finalist number two,
Ashley Armbruster.

Like, see ya, sucker.

And our final finalist,
Ashley Spinelli!

-[gasp]
-[sobbing]

Yes! We're going all the way!

That sash is gonna look sweet
in my trophy case.

[Guy] Hold on to your hats, folks,
because in just a few minutes,

these three lovely finalists will be back

to dazzle us with
their sparkling personalities.

But first, a musical tribute
to lip gloss.

[fanfare]

Wow. Me, a finalist.

-Hey!
-Vince, what are you doing here?

I just had to tell you
how great you're doing.

Hey, thanks, man.

-And I think you're in the lead, too.
-How do you know?

Judges all have tells.
The guy with the beard

pulls on his ear
when he likes someone.

He practically yanked it off his head
during your plate routine.

-Really?
-Yeah.

All you have to do
to clinch this sucker

is mention those five things
in the Q and A.

Remember, we're all pulling
for you out there.

Five things. Five things.

Excuse me, Spinelli?
Don't tell the others

I came over to talk
to you, but, like, wow!

I mean, I'm just totally amazed
that you did it.

-Did what?
-The look, the talent, the poise.

You are living, breathing proof
that beauty contests really work.

I mean, before, you were just
a regular, low-class kid,

but now, you're just like us.

Yeah, I'm just like you.

If selected Little Miss Blush,

I would support world peace, happiness,
unity, hair, and teaching others to read.

[audience applauds]

What a cheery,
toothsome response. And now,

for our final pageantress,
Miss Ashley Spinelli.

Ashley, if you were selected
Little Miss Blush,

what would you try to achieve
during your reign?

Well, Guy, it seems to me
that today's Little Miss Blush

should concern herself
with five main areas.

She must first concentrate
on achieving world peace.

-[sad music]
-And... and second,

she should work hard to end illiteracy
by teaching others to read, and third...

-I can't do this.
-[flabbergasted crowd]

I mean, sure, I'm all
for peace and people reading,

but if I really was selected
Little Miss Blush,

I'd do the same junk I do now,

watch a little pro wrestling,
try to keep up in school,

hang out with my friends,
you know, kid stuff.

Oh, no.

I only got entered in this contest

'cause some kids thought
it was a funny joke,

and I stayed in 'cause I wanted to win,
but the truth is, this isn't me.

This is me.

[crowd screaming]

I'm not a painted-up doll. I'm a kid,
and I don't want to be anything else.

Anyway, I'm sorry I wasted
your time. Thank you.

[sobbing]
No, no! It's all over.

[murmuring]

OK.

Who said these contests aren't full
of surprises?

So, judges, which of our
two remaining finalists--

-Wait!
-[tension music]

Really?

Uh, ahem.
Ladies and gentlemen,

our, uh, new Little Miss Blush is
Ashley Spinelli,

"for she is exactly

what the fourth-grade girl
of today should be, herself."

[sobbing]

[cheering]

Isn't Spinelli just radial?

This is the happiest moment
of my life.

-Hi-yah!
-[crowd screaming]

What did you think
I was gonna do, cry?

[cheering]

[m*llitary music]

[bell ringing]