03x20 - Martha the Witness/Martha Takes a Stand

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Martha Speaks". Aired: September 1, 2008 - November 18, 2014.*
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A family dog gains the power of speech after the letters in some alphabet soup wind up misrouted to her brain instead of her stomach in this whimsical animated series adapted from books by Susan Meddaugh.
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03x20 - Martha the Witness/Martha Takes a Stand

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Martha was an average dog

♪ She went... and... and...
(barking, growls)

♪ When she ate
some alphabet soup ♪

♪ Then what happened
was bizarre. ♪

On the way to Martha's stomach,
the letters lost their way.

They traveled to her brain,
and now...

♪ She's got a lot to say

♪ Now she speaks...

How now, brown cow?

♪ Martha speaks

♪ Yeah, she speaks
and speaks and speaks ♪

♪ And speaks and speaks.

What's a caboose?

When are we eating again?

♪ Martha speaks...

Hey, Joe, what do you know?

My name's not Joe.

♪ She's not always rht,
but still that Martha speaks. ♪

Hi, there.

♪ She's got a voice,
she's ready to shout ♪

♪ Martha will tell you
what it's all about ♪

♪ Sometimes wrong,
but seldom in doubt ♪

♪ Martha will tell you
what it's all about ♪

♪ That dog's unique...

Testing, one, two.

♪ Hear her speak

♪ Martha speaks and speaks
and speaks and speaks and... ♪

♪ Communicates, enumerates

♪ Elucidates, exaggerates

♪ Indicates and explicates

♪ Bloviates and overstates
and... ♪

(panting)

♪ ...hyperventilates!

♪ Martha, to reiterate

Martha speaks!
♪ Martha speaks.

But it's my turn
to introduce the show.

I object!

You introduced
the show last time.

No, you did that
classroom thing, remember?

That was a long time ago.

Was not!
Order!

I have a resolution.

I'll do the intro.

Today's show is all about words
like "accuse," "testify,"

"rights," "principles,"
and "compromise."

For instance,
I just resolved your conflict.

You're right.

Thanks, Martha.

But I get to do
the ending.

No, I do.

You did it last time.
(sighs)

(slurping, splashing)

(chittering)

(groans)

(grunts)

(pounding on door, all gasp)

Is that knock who I think it is?

(whimpers)

There's only one person
who knocks like that.

(insistent pounding)

How many times
have I explained

that you need to come
to the door faster?

Knocking is very bad
for my arthritis.

Buenos días,
Mrs. Demson.

You know, you can always
use the doorbell.

Hello, Mrs. Demson.
(Skits whimpers)

Would you like a seat?
Aren't you going to offer me

something to drink first?

How about some
fresh orange juice?

I'm not thirsty!

Why don't you sit
over here on the couch?

It squeaks!

The last time I was here,

it gave me a migraine
that lasted three days.

(exaggerated moaning)

Uh... here.

Have my chair, please.

(groans, sighs)

(sniffing)

(sneezes)

Oh, my sciatica!

Um, is there a reason

we have the pleasure
of your company today?

Of course there is!

It regards your...

Dogs?

Yes, dogs are exactly
the problem.

You see, last week,
my favorite niece

gave me the most beautiful set
of lawn furniture,

and, and...

(sobbing)

(sneezes)

Oh! Destroyed!

Destroyed?

All of it!

Clawed to bits by...

Me?
Mm-hmm.

Did you see
Martha do it?

I didn't have to see it.

She's a dog!

End of story.

Well, Mrs. Demson, that's
a pretty strong accusation

to make if you haven't actually
seen her doing anything.

I never accuse anyone of
anything that isn't true.

Um...
An accusation
is when someone

says that someone else
has done something wrong.

For example, your parents
are accusing me of lying.

I know what accusations
are, Mrs. Demson,

I just wanted to say,
instead of all of us

making accusations,
maybe we could just

go over and look
at the furniture.

Oh, yes!
I'm sure I can prove

the clawing wasn't done
by a dog.

That's a great idea!

Hmph!

(purring, fabric tearing)

MRS. DEMSON:
Oh, my head

aches from all that sneezing.

Could someone get me
something for my headache?

I'll do it.

Oh, and I left my
handkerchief there as well.

I hope your mother
thinks to bring me

some water with that.

Uh, Mrs. Dem...

Please don't talk.

(gasps)

Hey, hey, what can I say?

Whoa!
(tires skidding)

(meowing, crashing)

Now look what you've done!

MARTHA:
And the car went
right through the red light.

It was lucky
he saw us in time.

I'm just relieved
you're okay.

(pounding at door,
all gasp, groan)

Hello!

(singsongy):
Where's my favorite pooch?

Huh?
Huh?
Huh?

The driver
is refusing to admit

he drove through
a red light.

He says I was the one crossing
against the red light

and the accident
is my fault.

The problem is,
I have no witnesses.

That's not true.

I saw it all.

Exactly.
Are you saying you want

Martha to testify
for you in court?

Oh, would she?

That would be
too, too kind!

What's "testify"?

Testifying is when you
describe what you witnessed.

You simply get up there
and tell them what you saw.

What do you
think, Martha?

Would you like
to testify?

Well, it sounds
like an adventure.

(indistinct chatter)

(gavel bangs)

All right, this is Case -C,

Eula Demson
v. Patrick Pennygrabber.

Mrs. Demson, you are asking
that Mr. Pennygrabber

pay for your lawn furniture,
is that correct?

Yes, Your Honor.

Do you have
an opening statement?

No, just a witness.

I call Martha Mutt
to the stand!

(gallery gasping, murmuring)

Uh, sure, sure.
You got it, buddy.

Is this your witness's
Seeing Eye dog?

No, I'm the witness.

All right.
I'll allow it.

Raise your right,
uh, paw.

Do you swear
to tell the truth,

the whole truth
and nothing but the truth?

Uh, isn't that
why I'm here?

Martha Mutt,

were you crossing the street
with me

last Sunday morning?

Yes, and it's just "Martha."

(hushed):
I don't know where
she got the "Mutt" from.

And did I obey the law

and cross only when
the traffic light was green?

Yes.
And did the defendant
wreck my lawn furniture?!

The who?

Defendant, defendant!

What's that?

In a trial, Martha,

the defendant is the person
being accused of the crime.

He's called the "defendant"

because he has
to defend himself.

That means he has to explain
why he's not to blame.

In this trial,
Mr. Pennygrabber

is the defendant,
because he's the one

being accused of the accident

that ruined
Mrs. Demson's furniture.

Then what do you call
Mrs. Demson?

She's called the "plaintiff."

That's the person who's accusing
the defendant of the crime.

Ah! Well, now I get
why the person

defending himself
is called the defendant,

but why is the person
who made the accusation

called a plaintiff?

Interesting question.

Order in the court!
Order!

Just answer the question!

Oh, well,
the plaintiff and I

were crossing the street
when the defendant,

who was driving...

Yes, yes, just tell us--
is he guilty?

Uh, I think so, but...

I rest my case!

You can make a check
out to Eula...

JUDGE:
Not so fast,
Mrs. Demson.

The defendant can now
cross-examine.

That means he's going to ask
you questions to make sure

there isn't anything you haven't
described correctly.

Call you back in ten.
(grunts)

So, Miss Mutt,

you claim you have
the ability to talk.

Well... yes.

Interesting.

So, what would
you answer to...

fetch, doggie!

Your Honor,
as the witness refuses

to remain in the witness stand,

I insist you have no option

but to declare this
a mistrial.

Nice try, but no.

What's a mistrial?

(growls):
No more vocabulary!

Dr. Grimm,
as an authority

on our four-legged friends,

can you testify
as to whether dogs

have the ability to talk?

They absolutely do not.

I'll explain.

A dog's brain
has four functions:

eat, sleep,
play and sometimes,

if they have been properly
trained, obey.

There is no room for talk.

Hmm, then how do you explain
this dog here?

This animal has clearly
not been trained

well enough to realize
it cannot speak.

Then should we believe
her story?

If a dog cannot speak,

how can one possibly
believe what it says?

That makes no sense.

Don't worry, I'm sure
Mrs. Demson will point that out

in her cross-examination.

Hiya, baby.
I'm back.

Dr. Grimm,

do you know how to stop dogs
from going on your lawn?

Oh, it's quite simple.

I've written a best-selling
book on that subject.

Mm-hmm.

No further questions.

Huh?
What?
What?

No problem.
I'm the man.

I now call Martha Mutt
back to the stand.

Now, as Dr. Grimm has
just proven to the court

that you cannot talk,

I've come up with a question
you can answer

with a simple bark.

But I can talk.

What's that?

Sorry, I don't speak dog.

(chuckles)

Which one of these
three cards

is not like the others?

Bark when I hold it up.

Uh, is it one...

or two... or three?

Mmm, is this
a trick question?

They all
look alike.
Aha!

Ladies and gentlemen
of the court,

this dog's answer proves

she could not possibly
have known

whether the light
was red or green!

As everyone knows,

dogs cannot tell
the difference

between the colors red
and green.

(crowd chattering excitedly)

(gasping)

Order! Order, everyone!

Mrs. Demson, would you
like to cross-examine?

I certainly would.

(all murmuring)
You know it, bud.

Uh-huh, yeah.

(clears throat)

Why didn't you tell me
you were colorblind?!
But...

Your Honor, I'm just
a harmless old woman,

and this dog took advantage
of my kindness.

I think she should pay
for my lawn furniture!

I second the motion!

Hey, that's not fair!

(all clamoring)
Order!

(pounding gavel)

(howling)

Can I please say something?

Objection!
Objection!

No one's asked me
to actually describe

what I saw happen.

Isn't that the point
of a trial?

Yes, Martha, it is.

Please continue.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Well, what happened was this.

When our traffic light
turned green,

the plaintiff and I started
to walk across the street.

Then the defendant,

who was talking
on his cell phone,

drove through the intersection
directly toward us,

without stopping
at the red light.

When he looked up and saw us,
he swerved the car.

The car hopped over the curb

and smashed into the
plaintiff's lawn furniture.

All right.

But I have one question.

How did you know
the light was green?

Well, Mr. Pennygrabber
is right.

I can't tell red
and green apart,

but I do know

that the red light is on the top

and the green light is
on the bottom.

The light in the middle
is yellow.

I'd also like to say,
if I could,

that it was Nelson who was
clawing Mrs. Demson's furniture.

I saw him run away
just before the accident.

Oh!
Who's Nelson?

All right, everyone,

thanks to Martha's excellent
description of the accident,

I now think
I understand this case

well enough to give a verdict.

The court finds
the defendant guilty

of destroying the plaintiff's
lawn furniture.

He owes her the cost
of replacing it.

(cheers and laughs)

JUDGE:
But...

as the plaintiff has wasted
a considerable amount

of the court's valuable time,

I'm instructing Mrs. Demson
to perform hours

of community service.

Community service?

Doing what?

Oh!

Stop it! Oh!

Ugh!

(sighs)
Next.

Ooh! Oh!

Oh, no, no!

Oh, heavens!

If you have an objection
to something,

that means you don't like it.

And let me tell you,

we dogs definitely object
to a few things.

Funny clothes on dogs.

And listen!



Objection!

And leashes.

Why do I have to have a leash?

(gasps)

Nobody puts people
on a leash!

Objection!

There's only one thing worse
than a leash.

A muzzle!

(muffled):
I object!

And last but not least...

(vacuum whirring)
Vacuum cleaners!

Objection!

How clean
do you have to be?

Hey, not funny!

No fair!

I object!

HELEN:
Our constitution
is done.

ALICE:
Yes.

This document will surely
protect people's rights.

Rights?

What about protecting
people's lefts?

I demand my lefts!

Right does mean
the opposite of left,

but rights are things
everyone should have

or be able to do.

For instance, the right
to free speech.

That means you're free
to say anything you want.

Really?

Anything?

Well, this is a comic book,
remember.

Okay, then I demand
to know...

(sniffing)

What stinks?

Hey, you're right.

There is something
weird-smelling in here.

Maybe Jake's diaper pail
grew legs.

Let's put that

in our comic!

(roaring)

It could att*ck
Thomas Jefferson,

then Ben Franklin could
make it hold a kite

with a key and...

(screaming)

ALICE:
TD,

it's homework,
remember?

Not a real comic.

No matter how they try
to dress up homework,

it's always just another trick

to try to get you to learn
something.

(sniffing) No.

I wonder where
that smell is coming from.

(humming)

(sniffing)

Hmm...

Hmm.

(sniffing)

(sniffing)
Eh.

(cooing)

(sniffing)

(sniffing)

ALL:
Hmm...

Hmm.

(yawns)

(sighs)

Nothing like a nice nap

after a full day of rolling
in garbage.

Martha!

Skits!

Supper!

(cooing)

(sniffing)

Cardamom.

Nope.

Paprika?
Uh-uh.

You are so far off.

I guess
you'll just have

to enjoy my chili

without knowing what the top
secret ingredient is.

But I know what it is.

It's, uh...

It's...

Oh, gross!

Wow!

That smell is definitely
not my secret ingredient.

ALL:
Ugh!

Martha!

Skits!

What?

That stink!

Is that you?

Uh, I don't know.

Let's see. Uh...

(sniffing)
Grass. Garbage.

Dead frog. Dead snake.

Dead fish.

Nope. Not me.

Dead snake?

Dead fish?!

Yeah. It's a special mixture

I put together in the park
this morning.

Ugh! It's awful!

It's bath time for both of you!

Hold on there.

I'll have you know

a lot of hard work went
into smelling like this.

And it's going to take even
more work getting rid of it.

Come on.

Wait, wait, wait. Not so fast.

I have something to say.

Sure, you could say this is
just about a smell,

or a "stink," as you call it.

But it's bigger than that.

This isn't about one little
rotting fish.

This is about the giant
rotting fish of freedom.

And as a free dog,
I have the right--

nay, the responsibility--
to stink.

What do you say to that?

Hey! No fair!

I demand my right!

(sighing)

Dad says you may have a right
to stink,

but that he
has a right

to say you can't
come in the house.

Martha says just because
you don't like the smell

doesn't mean it's bad.

To her, it's nice.

Dad says it's his house.

And to him, you stink.

Do not. Do, too!

Do not. Do, too!

Oh yeah? Well...

cinnamon!

Cinnamon?

Cinnamon!

That's your top secret
chili ingredient!

(grunts)
(cooing)

You think I stink,

but that's just
your opinion.

I have a great sense of smell,

and I think I smell great.

Martha, if you want
to be an inside dog,

that means you play by the rules
of the house.

And in this house,
everybody takes a bath.

Then maybe I don't want
to live inside.

Maybe Skits and I will
just stay out here.

(whimpering)

All right.

Fine.

But don't expect me to give in.

This is a matter of principle!

I have a right to stink!

Hmm.

What if we compromised?

Martha could just go
in some rooms, like my bedroom.

Helen, we really have
to take a stand on this one.

She needs a bath.

I don't want her to think
we're being unfair.

Trust me. She'll give in soon.

These things have a way

of resolving themselves
pretty quickly.

(crickets chirping)

It's so unfair!

When Grandma wore that perfume
everyone hated,

did she have
to stay in the yard?

Hmm. Let me think.

Uh, no!

This is a matter
of principle!

Principle? A principle
is something

you believe in
very, very strongly,

like being a good
neighbor or being honest.

But there is one principle I
believe in above all others.

A man has a right to not be
bossed around by his pets.

Good principle.

It's turning
into this gigantic battle

between man and dog.

Neither one of them
is willing to compromise.

Compromise?
You mean, give in?

Not exactly.

When you compromise, it's like
each person gives up something.

Say I wanted the ketchup
next to me, but you wanted it

next to you.

A compromise would be to put it
exactly in the middle.

(laughs)
Oops.

It's okay.

But the thing is,
Dad won't compromise.

He says Martha can't come in
until she takes a bath.

That's pretty
harsh.

How bad can
she smell?

MARTHA:
Hey, you guys!

I need someone who can write.

ALL:
Eww!

You'll have to wait
till we're done eating.

Okay.

Um, can you wait
over there?

Huh? Oh, sure.

(exhales loudly)

It's even worse
than yesterday.

I see
what your dad is talking about.

Yesterday, we were
in the other room,

but wow! up close, it's
really horrible!

It's amazing.

It's like, like...
like spoiled milk and feet.

(sniffing)

With one of Jake's old diapers.

Gross!
TD!

Take your time,
Mr. Healy.

Huh?
MARTHA:
Unfair to dogs!

The owner of this house

is not fair to dogs!

We demand an end to smellism!

(growling)

Okay, Martha!
(yelps)

I have a deal for you.

I got something
I think you'll like.

An apology?

Uh... no.

The Courageous
Collie Carlo Movie!

The never-seen-on-TV,
full-length,

direct-to-video movie

where Carlo takes on
creatures from space?

That's right.

Wow!

Come on, Skits!

Uh, uh, uh, uh.

If you want to come inside,
you'll have to be civilized.

That's the deal-- no tub,

no TV.

Oh. I get it.

Well, you
can't bribe me.

I'm happy out here.

(barks)

Yes, Skits, it really is
that important to me.

It's a matter of principle.

(barks)

Ah, sure go ahead.

Tell me what happens.

(movie music plays on TV)
Collie Carlo.

I don't care
about some stinking space movie.

If it were any good,
it would have been in theaters!

They're not giving in.

We've got to figure out
some way to resolve this.

You have to do more than that.

We have to come up
with a solution to this problem.

That's what
resolve means.
Oh.

Resolve means to come up
with a way to fix the problem.

Well, good.
Even I'm getting

to where I can't
stand that stink.

My mom made me take a bath
in tomato juice.

Did it work?

Sort of. I smell like
a dead-frog pizza.

Ugh!

She said, next time,
she's sending me to the park

to take a bath
in the pond.

Hey, wait a minute.

Maybe you're onto
something there.

Listen, I have a plan.

HELEN:
It's a charity thing. Sort of.

We're all doing it.

Can you be a volunteer?

Sure, sure.

Maybe I'll make
steaks tonight!

(laughs)

She won't be able
to resist that.

Dad, are you listening?

Oh, sure.
Volunteer. Right.

Thanks, Dad!

Uh, no problem.

Did I just promise
to do something?

Mission
accomplished.

Poster's
almost done.

Okay, Skits,
it's up to you now.

(barks)

Really?

Are you sure?
(barks)

Where? When?

(barking)

You don't say.

I'll be there.

TD:
Step right up.

Let us suds your pup!

For only five bucks,
you'll get a dapper dog!

Hmm. There aren't exactly
a lot of dogs here.

Are you sure
they publicized this?

And where are the rest
of the Junior Gophers?

Um, maybe we should
wash Skits again.

(barks)

Ah.

Where is it?
Where is it?

ALL:
Eww!

Hey, where's the free barbecue?

(lively crowd chatter)

Oh, I get it.

Huh.

Well, look who's here.

I guess you think
you're going to wash me.

ALL:
Eww!

(crowd murmuring)

(flies buzzing)

I don't want any trouble,
Martha,

but if you're going to live
with people,

you got to be civilized.

Civilized? What's that?

Civilized is being considerate
of others.

You mean, like good manners?

ah.

You mean, like saying please?

Um, uh...

I guess you've got a point.

(flies buzzing)

Would you please
take a bath?

Well, since you
asked nicely...

bathtender,

give me a bath.

(crowd cheering)

DAD:
I hope everyone's ready

for some of my special
welcome-back leftover chili!

Can't wait!

Martha, I'm glad you and Dad
resolved your differences.

I missed you a lot.

Yeah, I was pretty
lonely outside, too.

You don't really miss
that smell, do you?

Nah. It was
getting kind of old.

Besides, everyone's started
wearing it now.

PEOPLE:
Eww!

Well, Skits,
we've got two options.

(barks)

Oh, an option is like a choice.

Our options here are,
on the left,

a deliciously gooey mud puddle,

and on our right,

a wet, moldy, stinky pile
of leaves and garbage.

(sniffing)

(barks)

I prefer stench to stickiness,
so I choose the leaf pile.

Which option
would you prefer?

(barks)

I knew you were more
of a mud mutt. Dive in!

(barks)

(laughing)

(silly mumbling)

Ahem!

Oh, uh,

Helen, uh,
we were just,

uh, considering
our options.

Well, a bath is not optional!

(barks)
(whimpers)

Did you catch all the words

about rights and principles?

Let's see some of them again.

An accusation is
when someone says

that someone else has
done something wrong.

A principle is something

you believe in
very, very strongly.

When you compromise, it's like
each person gives up something.

"Resolve" means to come up
with a way to fix the problem.

Now, does anyone have
any objection

to going to the park
and playing?

BOTH:
No, Your Honor.

Great!

Yay!
Let's go!
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