04x10 - The Dog Did It/Martha Out West

[bunniefuu]

MAN:
♪ Martha was an average dog ♪

♪ She went... and... and... ♪
(barking, growls)

♪ When she ate
some alphabet soup ♪

♪ Then what happened
was bizarre... ♪

On the way to Martha's stomach,
the letters lost their way.

They traveled to her brain,
and now...

♪ She's got a lot to say ♪

♪ Now she speaks... ♪

How now, brown cow?

♪ Martha speaks ♪

♪ Yeah, she speaks
and speaks and speaks ♪

♪ And speaks and speaks... ♪

What's a caboose?

When are we eating again?

♪ Martha speaks... ♪

Hey, Joe, what do you know?

My name's not Joe.

♪ She's not always right, but
still that Martha speaks... ♪

Hi, there.

♪ She's got the voice,
she's ready to shout ♪

♪ Martha will tell you
what it's all about ♪

♪ Sometimes wrong,
but seldom in doubt ♪

♪ Martha will tell you
what it's all about ♪

♪ That dog's unique... ♪

Testing, one, two.

♪ Hear her speak ♪

♪ Martha speaks and speaks
and speaks and speaks and... ♪

♪ Communicates, enumerates,
elucidates, exaggerates ♪

♪ Indicates and explicates ♪

♪ Bloviates and overstates
and... ♪

(panting)

♪ Hyperventilates! ♪

♪ Martha-- to reiterate--
Martha speaks. ♪

The snow robot is complete.

WOMAN:
Hold it, cut!

I'm looking at the script,
and the history is all wrong.

Dogs didn't really
do any of that stuff.

(sighs)
Guess we'll have
to put on a rerun.

HELEN:
But wait,
the words are right.

Like "civilization" and
"prehistoric" and "ancient."

And "pioneer"
and "frontier."

And it's supposed to be
a show about words,

not history, right?

KIDS:
Please! Please!

Oh, all right.

Listen for all the words,

and we'll see you
at the end of the show.

Wait. One more thing.

The snow robot is complete.

Line up.
I want to take a picture.

MARTHA:
Get one of ours, too!

Don't you just wish it would
snow like this every day?

No school, no homework.

No electricity.

How do you figure that?

We'd be so busy shoveling snow

that people wouldn't have time
to do anything else.

We'd spend our days just trying
to survive-- like cavemen.

Life would be
really primitive.

Primitive?

"Primitive" means how people
lived a long time ago--

without computers or writing
or anything like that.

Cool!

I'd make a great caveman.

(grunts)

Me TD.

Me invent tools.

Me discover fire.

(imitating):
Only if TD have dog.

Can Snowy have his
mouth back, please?

What do you mean,
"Only if TD have dog"?

Well, you may not know it,
but dogs invented tools.

In fact, we gave you humans
lots of stuff:

science, art, language.

Fleas.

I'm serious.

It's all in the
Great Oral History of Dogs.

Every dog learns it
when they're a pup.

Do you want to know how a dog
helped people discover fire?

Sure.

I love listening
to a good story.

Now, this was a long, long
time ago,

before there were books and
leashes and canned dog food.

You mean in
prehistoric times?

Yeah, that's it,
prehistoric times.

Wait. Prehistoric?

How can there be a time
before history?

"Prehistoric" just means

the time before people started
writing stuff down.

Humans have been around
for at least , years,

but they've only been
writing stuff down

for about , or , years.

Everything before then
is prehistory.

Do you want to hear the story
or do you want to lecture?

Okay, it all
started off with a bone.

Like this one, but much bigger.

Back in prehistoric times,
there were these two kids:

cave-girl "Huhh"
and cave-boy "Tuhh."

They were always fighting,
especially over bones.

They had a smart, good-looking
cave-dog who looked after
them

and was always trying to get
them to stop fighting.

If you two can't play nicely
with the mammoth bone,

then I'm just going
to take it away.

But they were too primitive
to understand language,

so they didn't pay too much
attention to her.

TRUMAN:
Wait!

You're saying dogs talked
before people?

Well, yeah.

Doesn't everyone know that?

But you only talk because
you eat alphabet soup.

There wasn't any soup back then.

Or alphabets.

Well, eventually dogs
stopped talking,

but that's another story.

Anyhow, back to the story.

Okay, that's it!

I'm taking it away.

I'm going to bury
this bone someplace

so you two can't get at it.

Incidentally, that's why dogs
started burying bones--

to keep them away from
cave-boys and cave-girls

who wanted to clobber
each other.

Ahh!

Now, where were we?

(cave-kids grunting)

But Huhh and Tuhh were sneaky
cave-kids

and kept digging up the bone.

Why can't you two be like
Truhh and just draw??

Instead of fighting,
bang these stones together.

I wonder who can bang
the stone the hardest.

MARTHA:
Huhh banged her stones so hard
that one of them chipped,

and the piece that fell off
was flat and sharp--

the perfect tool
for cutting things.

Tuhh banged his stones so hard
that they created a spark,

which flew into a pile of straw
and started a fire.

That's hot!

Stand back! I'll put
it out with the...

With this raw antelope meat.

(meat sizzling)

(Martha sniffs)

Hey, that smells
pretty good.

ALL:
Mmm...!

And that was how dogs gave
humans tools, fire

and grilling.

You really expect
us to believe

that dogs created
civilization?

She didn't say anything
about civilization.

Yeah, who's talking
about civilization?

We just gave you
all those things

that separate dogs and people
from other animals.

Like cats.

That's what civilization is.

Civilization is when you
change from being primitive

to being more modern.

It's when people start
to make things like tools

and art and philosophy.

Philosophy!

We invented philosophy, too.

Oh, let me tell you about it.

Back in Ancient Greece...

"Ancient" means very,
very old, by the way.

I know what
"ancient" means.

Okay, just checking.

Back in Ancient Greece...

there lived a grumpy guy
named Socrates.

He became a philosopher
because of his dog.

Philosophers are people
who try to figure out

what life is all about.

(sadly):
Another beautiful day.

Why doesn't it make me happy?

MARTHA:
He lived with a dog
named Bonesthenes.

They got along all right,

but Socrates was always getting
upset over small things.

Hey, Socrates!

Lovely morning, isn't?

Uh-uh, wipe your paws.

Why?

Because if you don't,
you'll get mud in the house.

Is that bad?
Yes.

Why?

Because I like to keep
the house clean.

Why?

Because a clean house

is nicer to live in
than a dirty house!

Why?

Why do you ask
so many infuriating questions?!

I don't know.

Why do you think I ask so many
infuriating questions?

(screaming)

MARTHA:
Really Bonesthenes just
did it to tease him.

But it was good for Socrates.

(screaming)
He needed to lighten
up.

Eventually all that questioning
made Socrates want

to study himself and find out
what life is all about.

And that was the birth
of philosophy.

Okay, that does not count as
giving humans philosophy.

Why not?

Because you have to do more
than just ask questions.

Why?

Because...

Well, because...

I suggest you give up now.

(sighs)

All right, you win.

Anyone for hot chocolate?

I can't find anyone
named Bonesthenes

in this book about
Greek philosophers.

Oh, well, dogs don't care
about getting credit in books.

They just want to help people
with philosophy

and science and stuff.

Plus, they can't read.

Hang on; "science," did you say?

Sure.

You've heard of Galileo, right?

Um...

He's the guy who found out

about the falling
objects, right?

Well, with
a little help, yeah.

See, it started in the Italian
city of Pisa.

Galileo was
a really serious guy,

and his dog, Skitaleo,
was worried

because Galileo never got
any exercise.

Skitaleo had an idea.

Hey, Galileo,

how about a nice game
of catch?

Later, Skitaleo.

MARTHA:
Skitaleo tried throwing
the ball himself,

but Galileo was too busy
with his books and numbers.

Then he had another idea.

If he dropped the ball
from up there,

it would really get
Galileo's attention.

So Skitaleo took the ball

all the way to the top
of the Tower of Pisa.

When Skitaleo got
to the top of the tower,

he saw that someone had left
a bowling ball up there.

A bowling ball?

Yeah. It was kind
of like bowling.

The Italians called it
"Noccadapinsdon."

But that's another story.

Anyway...

Skitaleo was a very clumsy dog,

and when he went
to drop the ball,

he also knocked
the bowling ball down

at the exact same time.

Oops-a-daisy!

MARTHA:
Luckily, Skitaleo had

the presence of mind
to warn Galileo.

Hey, Galileo! Heads up!

Huh?

MARTHA:
Galileo looked up.

He saw that the two balls
were falling

at the same speed.

This gave him
a tremendous idea.

Until then, people thought

that heavy objects fell
faster than light ones.

But Galileo discovered that
heavy things and light things

all fall at the same speed.

Eureka!

(grunts)

(tongue lapping)

Skitaleo!

You're a genius!

MARTHA:
The rest of the day
Galileo put down his books

and played with Skitaleo.

They even did a little bowling.

(rumbling)

But that didn't
turn out so good.

Quick, walk this way.

This never happened.

Boy, that Galileo wasn't
a very responsible guy.

I'll say.

He never once told anyone
about Skitaleo.

Hang on.

Ancient dogs could talk?

Skitaleo could talk?

Why don't all dogs talk?

The reason dogs can't talk is
because of Skitaleo's cousin,

who lived in England
around the same time.

His name was Sir Skits.

Sir Skits was walking along
the street in London one day

when he saw an unhappy
young playwright

sitting on the sidewalk.

Hey, Joe, whaddaya know?

My name's not Joe.

It's Will.

Well, you look
like you could use

a good scratch
behind the ears.

Why the long face?

MARTHA:
The playwright, whose last
name was Shakespeare,

told Sir Skits that he had
promised the queen

that he would put on a play.

But he had no idea
what to write.

Luckily, Sir Skits
had an idea.

How about writing
a play about ham?

Ham? Hmm...

I don't know if
the queen likes ham.

Then how about a play
about a prince named Ham

who thinks his father was
k*lled by his uncle

and he sets about
by various means,

including pretending to be mad,
to get his uncle to confess.

Then he talks to a skull
and his girlfriend goes crazy

and everyone gets in
a big swordfight-- the end.

Hmm... skulls are cool.

MARTHA:
So all night
Sir Skits dictated

and Mr. Shakespeare wrote.

Then Ham says,

"To be or not to be,
that is the question."

Hmm...

You don't like?

No, no, I was just thinking
it would be nice

to have a ham sandwich
about now.

Will! You have to get going!

The queen!

It's not my fault.

You keep saying "Ham"
all the time.

Oh, I know.

Call him Ham-let.

Hamlet?

Like a little town?

No-- no good.

You don't have time
to be picky, Will.

Okay, okay.

So...

MARTHA:
They worked all night
and finished the play.

The rest is silence.

(applause)

MARTHA:
It was a hit!

I like this "Will" guy.

He's like me.

But how did that stop
the dogs from talking?

Whoa, I'm getting to that.

You see, after that,

Sir Skits wrote all of the plays
for his friend Shakespeare.

But it wasn't long before
people started to suspect

that something was up.

(choir singing)

I'm glad you liked
Macbeth, Your Majesty.

We especially liked
that "tomorrow" speech.

How did it go?

Oh, um.,
"Tomorrow is, uh..."

SIR SKITS:
Tomorrow and tomorrow
and tomorrow

Creeps in this petty pace
from day to day,

to the last syllable
of recorded time.

MARTHA:
Shakespeare didn't like
being shown up by a dog.

So he talked
to a powerful magician.

I just finished
a new play.

If you do this for me,
I'll put your name in it.

MARTHA:
And so Prospero-- which was
the magician's name--

put a spell on all dogs.

And then I wrote...
(barking)

MARTHA:
And from then on, they
couldn't speak, only bark.

But the joke was
on Shakespeare,

because he never wrote
another play after that.

That's why dogs don't speak
to this day.

I don't believe it.

Hey, you guys want
to make a snow fort?

ALL:
Yeah!

Dogs invented forts.

Really?

Oh, sure!

And they invented cocoa
and parkas and even mittens.

I never knew about the mittens.

Well, you learn something new
every day.

TRUMAN:
They did not invent mittens!

HELEN:
Relax, Truman.

Just have fun.

Hey! Check out this song.

♪ Philosophy ♪

♪ What is your philosophy? ♪

♪ It needn't be Greek to be
or even deep to be ♪

♪ Important or true ♪

♪ Philosophy ♪

♪ Your philosophy ♪

♪ Is what you believe to be
or perceive to be ♪

♪ Important for you. ♪

Philosophers are people
who try to figure out

what life is all about.

♪ I think, therefore I am. ♪

But everyone can have
his or her own philosophy.

♪ Don't throw your stuff away,
save it for a rainy day ♪

♪ Philosophy ♪

♪ What is your philosophy? ♪

♪ You don't have to cogitate
or ruminate ♪

♪ Calculate or speculate ♪

♪ Have a debate or postulate ♪

♪ Until it's getting very late ♪

♪ To have a philosophy. ♪

♪ I am, therefore I'm hungry. ♪

(horse neighs)

I can't believe we mined
this much gold in one day.

I know.

But I still say chicken nuggets
are way better

than gold nuggets.

Except you can't buy things
with chicken nuggets.

What would you need to buy
if you had chicken nuggets?

I'd never leave
the chicken mine.

Never talk to a dog
about money.

TD:
That's right,
don't miss out!

Look, it's mayor TD.

Howdy, folks.

I'm just out to let people
know there's free ice cream

at City Hall for the rest
of the afternoon.

Whoa, Nelly!
Great.

We'll stop by
as soon as we take

our gold to the bank.

Great.

(clock chimes)
Uh-oh, : .

Looks like it's time for me
to go do

some mayor stuff.

See you later.

(panting)

(bell clanging)

TRUMAN:
The bank has been robbed!

By aliens!

Hold it! Aliens?

Sure, why not?

TD, we're making a Western,
not a space movie.

Well, somebody has
to rob the bank.

I know.

How about this?

(bell clanging)

Who robbed the bank?

The Boxwood bandit
must have struck again.

I hope the sheriff
gets here soon.

Whoa, Buttercup.

Howdy, Sheriff.

It looks like your brother
robbed the bank again.

Older brothers
can be so annoying,

especially when
they're outlaws.

But don't worry,
Sheriff Alice is on it.

Buttercup! Whoa!

Somebody has to do something
to stop that outlaw.

It looks like that
somebody is us.

(clanging)

Which way did he...

Could you stop that?

Oh-- sorry.

Which way did he go?

Oh, he hasn't
gotten very far.

He's over there.

(grunting and groaning)

Gold is heavy!

I really should think

about stealing something
lighter next time.

Why didn't I think of that?

I'm stealing your wagon.

Help me put
this gold in it.

ALICE:
Stop right there!

You're going to jail.

Yeah, okay, just give
me a minute, Sheriff,

to catch my...

(laughing)

(grunts)

(laughing):
Good Buttercup.

The end.

I don't like it.

Why not?

An outlaw is the guy
who breaks the law.

Why should I be the bad guy?

It's nothing
personal, Ronald.

It's just that somebody

has to play
the outlaw in the movie.

We need to make a decision.

I have to get the video camera
back to the library

by the end of the afternoon.

If you're not going
to play the outlaw,

who do you want to play?

R.W. Boxwood.

R.W. Boxwood?

Yup! He's a pioneer.

That means he was one of the
first people to do something.

R.W. Boxwood was the first
person to live in Dogrush City.

Picture it.

RONALD:
One day, pioneer R.W. Boxwood
is feeding his horse, when...

Strawberry milkshake!

(crowd chattering happily)

CROWD:
Hip-hip hooray, hip-hip hooray!

R.W., I want to thank you

for being the pioneer
who made Dogrush City

the wonderful place
it is today.

(crowd cheering)

TD:
I'd like to present you
with the key to the city.

(cheering)

R.W., it's Alice and
her g*ng of bandits.

They're at it again!

(Alice laughs evilly)

Older brothers are so clueless.

(horse neighing)

Oh, no, he's coming!

No...!

Like that.

TRUMAN:
That doesn't sound

like much of a movie.

Yeah, Ronald.

It shouldn't just be about
a pioneer millionaire.

But look at this face.

This is what the public
wants to see.

(girls snickering)

We've got
these great costumes.

Maybe there should be
some singing and dancing.

Maybe some
singing aliens!

I don't think
so, TD.

We've already decided there
are no aliens in the movie.

I've got an idea.

What if the movie starts out...

...in the Lazy Dog Saloon.

(playing jolly music)

♪ Grab a seat that isn't taken ♪

♪ Taste the best milk
ever shaken ♪

♪ Cool your heels
and loosen up your belts ♪

♪ You just need a coin or two ♪

♪ We'll fill up a glass
for you ♪

♪ Then grab a straw before
your milkshake melts. ♪

CROWD:
♪ Grab a straw
before your milkshake melts. ♪

(song continues)

♪ Kick up your heels
and loosen up your belts ♪

♪ Then grab a straw
before your milkshake melts. ♪

(song continues)

♪ Every glass is sure
to please ♪

♪ But not too fast
or you'll get... ♪

♪ Brain freeze. ♪

(song continues)

(Alice groaning)

(thunk)

Milk.

Shake.

Let's see.

First I think I'll
take down those lights.

Then I'm going
to pave Main Street.

Yeah, I think I'll pave it.

What are you
talking about?

Didn't you know?

I own this town.

(all gasp)

See? It says right here.

This town is property
of R.W. Boxwood.

This can't be right.

The mayor never would
have signed this.

TD, why would you sign
over the town to R.W.?

He had a comic book
I really wanted.

I didn't think he'd actually
shut down Dogrush City.

(sighs)

Well, I guess this means
R.W. owns the saloon

and the entire town.

And it's all legal,
which means I'm no outlaw.

(slurping)

(groans)

You have hours to clear out.

And keep the change.

Actually, I need
to pay my meter.

I like it.

But what if there's
a twist?

Like maybe there's someone else
who'll be able to save the town,

a different pioneer who's been
out exploring the frontier.

Heeyah! Heeyah!

Heeyah!

Well, I guess this is it.

Dogrush City was fun
while it lasted.

It's not so bad.

We'll just have to go
explore the frontier

and find a new
place to live.

Explore the what?

The frontier.

The frontier is where a lot
of people don't live yet,

where the towns end and
the wide open land begins.

So we might have
to start another town

where there isn't one yet.

I can't believe
it's all over.

I founded Dogrush City as a
place for kids to have fun.

(sighs)

Oh, well. I guess
I'll have to found

another Wild West town.

If you already found another
town, what's the problem?

Not "found" like "find"--

"found" like when you start
something or create it,

the way I founded Dogrush City.

Oh. Well, Helen and I are
looking to found a town, too.

Maybe we can be
settlers together.

Okay.

(rumbling)
What's that noise?

Hey, everyone, I'm back
from my frontier travels.

I hate to break it to you,
but this is my town now,

and you're going to have
to leave with everyone else.

According to this,
I own the town

and everything in it.

The mayor sold it to me.

But he sold it to me first.

For a comic book--
Gopher Patrol number .

Oh, yeah!

Such a good comic.

But-but...

Sold it to me, too,
by golly.

Mayor TD, how many people
have you sold the town to?

I don't remember.

Well, I guess since we
can't prove who owns it,

Dogrush City is
everybody's property.

(everyone cheers)

ALIEN:
Take us to your milkshakes.

TD, there were no alien
settlers in the Wild West.

How do you know?

Aliens could have settled
anywhere they wanted to.

Not in this movie.

Have you ever heard of an
alien settler in a Western?

Well, no...

But I am not letting this
cool alien mask go to waste.

The sooner you guys admit
that having aliens in the movie

would be cool,
the sooner we can sh**t it.

Come on.

It would make for the best
showdown scene ever.

Ready?

Ready.

Go!

(slurping)

(cheering)

(slurping)

Brain freeze! Curses!

(crowd cheering)

Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

Go, TD!

Whoo-hoo!

And that's how
I save the town.

Oh, brother.

TD, having aliens in
the movie doesn't make sense.

Lots of cool things
don't make sense.

Wearing your socks on
the outside of your sneakers,

for instance.

It just looks cool.

TD? What time do we have
to bring the camera back?

TD:
: .

That means we only have
minutes to sh**t our movie.

TD:
Well, what are we waiting for?

And... action!

(laughing)

Whoa!

Ready?

Ready.

Go!

(slurping)

Way to go, TD! Awesome!

Ow! Brain freeze!

Ahhh...

Way to go, TD!

ALL:
Whoa!

HELEN:
I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I really liked the part
with the alien.

Me, too!

I was great!

Wasn't I?

Do you think this movie
will make us famous?

I doubt it.

We're probably the only ones
who'll ever see it.

But maybe our next one
will be even better.

Ooh, let's do
another one
tomorrow!

Hey!

HELEN:
What?

The DVD is gone.

That's weird.

Things like that
don't just vanish.

That's what we'll do!

A mystery.

Something disappears.

TD:
I'll be the detective!

HELEN:
How about Martha?

She'd be a good detective.

(eerie whistling)

♪ ...too fast,
or you'll get... ♪

(strange giggles)

This is the best earthling
movie I have ever seen.

ALL:
♪ Grab a straw
before your milkshake melts! ♪

What a great night!

A big, clear sky, a full moon.

(howling)

There's nothing like howling
at the moon on the frontier

with no one else around.

(yells)
(barks)

Hi! I was just
howling at the moon.

(barks)

What do you mean,
this is your property?

Property is something
that belongs to someone.

(growls softly)

The land isn't your property.

It doesn't belong to you.

It's not someone's yard,
it's wide open space.

And the moon certainly
isn't your property.

No one owns the moon.

And the hills...
(whimpers)

Oh... oh, this is your property.

(sighs)

I wish I had
some property to chew on.

(howling)

That's the worst
history lesson ever.

Did you catch all the words
about history and civilization?

Here are a few again.

"Prehistoric" just means

the time before people started
writing stuff down.

MARTHA:
Philosophers are people
who try to figure out

what life is all about.

The frontier is where a lot
of people don't live yet--

where the towns end
and the wide open land begins.

See you next time!

♪ Who's that dog? ♪

♪ Who's
that dog? ♪

♪ Dog, d-d-dog, d-dog. ♪

That dog is Rugby.

Catch!

My name is Allison
and I read to Rugby.

Rugby is a reading partner.

"Martha's family had a wonderful
party trick."

Rugby listens to me
reading to him.

When Rugby comes to the school,
he kisses me.

Today we're going to read
Martha Walks the Dog.

"As usual, her pals
were scratching,

sniffing or snoozing."

It's fun for a kid to do this

because they have a big ball
of personality

listening to them read.

"Bop! Bop! Bop! Bop!"

If you have trouble reading,
a dog will pay attention.

A dog won't say you're bad
at reading.

They just roll with it.

You can count on dogs.

I like reading to Rugby
because it's really fun.

♪ He's that dog,
dog, d-d-dog, d-dog. ♪