02x02 - Mr. Candle Cares/Red Belt

[bunniefuu]

[title music]

It's gonna get a little weird Gonna get a little wild I ain't from 'round here I'm from another dimension Gonna get a little weird Gonna have a good time I ain't from 'round here I'm from another, woo-hoo Yeh-heah I'm talking rainbows I'm talking puppies Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa Ooh It's gonna get a little weird Gonna get a little wild I ain't from 'round here I'm from another dimension [bell ringing]

[playing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"]

Mr.

Candle said I'm gonna be a musician.

Sweet.

I got champion swimmer.

- I was gonna get dressed, but now I don't need to.

- Yeah.

Wow.

Everyone's getting really awesome careers.

I can't wait to find out what my future holds.

[nervous laughter]

MAN: Star Butterfly.

- Please sit.

- Okay.

- Help yourself to some candy.

- No, thank you.

I'm just really excited to have my fortune told.

How do you do it? Read palms? Converse with the dead? Examine head lumps? Nope.

Just normal guidance counselor stuff.

Have you given much thought to your future? Totally.

When I grow up, I wanna raise warnicorns.

[whinnying]

Well, that seems like a fun hobby.

But you might not have much time for hobbies - as the Queen of Mewni.

- Queen? I may not know your fortune, but your future is set in stone.

Stone? - Are you dating anyone? - What? Uh, no.

What about that Marco boy? Got a secret crush on him? He's my roommate.

We're just friends.

Yeah, that's weird to date your roommate.

Maybe someone else then.

It's never too early to start - searching for the future King of Mewni.

- Maybe.

Cheer up, Star.

- Or should I say Your Majesty.

- Hmm.

So how'd it go? - Or we can catch up later.

- Mr.

Diaz.

I've been very anxious to speak to you.

- Seen my test scores, have you? - Indeed.

Garbage Island?! What's the use of taking honors classes if it gets you sent to the middle of nowhere? So don't go.

At least you have a choice.

Apparently, the only thing in my future is being queen.

Oh, man, I'd love to be queen.

[groans]

You never have to think about what to wear.

You have somebody do that for you.

[groans]

People would just love you because they have to, no matter how weird you are.

[groans]

You never have to bathe alone.

Marco, please stop talking.

Head janitor, Garbage Island.

[sighs]

[plopping sound]

I'll come back later.

[boom, whooshing]

[music]

All right, sir, phase one is complete.

What's next? Sir, are you there? You idiot! You forgot the most important part.

Me! I got confirmation.

- Starco is completely platonic.

- MARCO: Starco? Make sure there's no possibility of them ever being a thing.

Absolutely, sir.

Also, stop offering everyone candy.

You're gonna blow my cover.

I want her back.

- I gotta go.

- I'm not done.

No.

You don't understand.

- I gotta go.

- Flush me first! [whistling]

- Hey, Mr.

Candle.

- Oh [chuckles]

hello, Marco.

I appreciate all your guidance with Garbage Island and all, but I'm gonna pass.

Actually, I was just thinking I might be - King of Mewni.

- [sputtering]

What?! The thing is, Star and I have recently become smooch buddies.

On the lips.

Even if that's true, kid, you shouldn't say that out loud.

Yeah, we've been trying all styles.

German, Italian Polynesian.

My tonsils are so tired, I can't feel my teeth.

[ferocious growl]

Busted.

I knew you weren't a guidance counselor.

Oh.

STAR: Oh.

These women look so miserable.

[sighs heavily]

MIRROR: Calling Mom.

What did you do? What nothing! Yet.

I'd like to ask you something.

Are you happy? Happy? What difference does that make? I mean, I don't know.

Do you have any warnicorns? Goffrey, do I have any warnicorns? VOICE: You have 19, Your Majesty.

- Oh.

Apparently, I have 19.

- Oh, sweet.

But when you are queen, you don't have time for warnicorns.

Everything I'm saying is in your guide book.

[groans]

Incidentally, you may want to review the chapter on hair care.

If you're going to be queen, you have to look the part.

Don't worry so much about happiness.

It makes you look pale.

Love you.

Bye.

Mwah.

[music]

[groans]

[buzzing]

Stop! I knew you were listening.

I never made out with Star.

I just said that to get your goat! - What? - You lied to me.

Well, you lied to Star.

You made her think all she's good for is being queen.

Dude, just take me home.

I can't do that.

You know too much.

- Now I gotta destroy you.

- What?! That's not fair.

All right, fine.

Battle to the death.

I win, you die.

- What do I get if I win? - It's not gonna happen.

So, yeah, ask for whatever you want.

If I win, you gotta take me home.

And you gotta tell Star the truth.

Fine.

Pick your w*apon.

Dueling battle axes? Rhino fiend joust? Pear grenades of anguish? [shrieking]

- What about ping-pong? - That's cool.

Your w*apon of choice, my liege.

I oughta warn you, I'm not only a karate master.

I'm also good at ball sports.

- Ow! - Point, Master Tom.

Okay, so I'm a little rusty.

Wait till you hi-yah! [grunts]

Owww! [music]

Game point.

In your face! Ow! Ugh! Since when do ping-pong balls hurt so much? These balls are guided by demons.

Okay.

Let's play for real this time.

- Double or nothing.

- Dude, you're out of paddles.

Just give up.

No, it's fine.

Here, you can have mine.

[grunts]

I don't need it.

Hey! Isn't this kind of cheating? You think this is cheating? You should try playing Star at ping-pong.

Well, Star doesn't really cheat.

She just makes up her own rules.

And then she changes the rules again halfway through the game.

Oh, so that's why I never win.

- She just does whatever she wants.

- Yeah, that's Star.

Yeah.

She is kinda awesome.

- You know you're never gonna win, right? - I know, but you're not either.

It doesn't matter if you b*at me at ping-pong or pull out all my organs.

You can't make Star be your girlfriend unless she wants to.

[music]

Star, I have something to tell - Whoa.

- Oh, hey, Marco.

Did you know that if you cut off a mermaid's tail, you can never be queen? - It's all in the guide book.

- Star, y-you don't have to do that.

Oh, thank goodness.

I'm so sorry, Tiffany.

- I never wanted to hurt you.

- Shameful.

- Tom! What's going on? - I have something I need to confess.

I used Mr.

Candle to try to get back together with you.

It took me destroying Marco 58 games to zero to realize I was wrong.

Like, I slaughtered him.

- I mean, b*ating him was so easy.

- Okay, she gets it.

All I wanted was to get you back.

But I never stopped to consider what you wanted.

I'm sorry.

- Ow! - You tricked me.

But it doesn't even make a difference.

I'm still gonna be queen.

Yeah, but that doesn't sound like a bad thing, because you're gonna run Mewni your way.

- No matter how destructive.

- That's true.

[whinnying, crashing]

Point, Marco.

Well, I should go.

By the way, I like your hair.

STAR: So you guys were hangin' out? - Uh, yeah.

- Is he still dark and broody? Oh, yeah.

[whinnying]

But he's not so bad.

No, Brittany, I don't believe your life has peaked at such a young age.

Dude, abort the mission.

I'm done.

[whistles]

[clang]

[engine whirring]

[tense music]

[growling noises]

[screeching]

Star? Wha? I don't know my combination! [gasps]

I'm I'm I'm wearing a suit! What are your plans for the future, Mr.

Diaz? Mr.

Candle? GIRL: We're moving on with our lives.

But I haven't made up my balloon yet.

My red belt.

I've been looking all over for you.

Wait! - Come back.

- Marco.

Marco, Marco! Marco, Marco, Marco.

[screaming]

- Star? - You okay? Sounded like you were having one of those "stuck in life" dreams again.

Yeah.

Wait.

What are you doing in here? I'm hanging my first Love Sentence poster.

You can be my prisoner of love, Justin Towers.

Uh that's not what I meant.

- I was sleeping.

- Oh! Right.

You have a hammer? I'm putting this bad boy up Earth girl style.

No majack! Yeah, all I'm saying is, you could've tried knocking on my door, Earth girl style.

Why would I do that when I have dimensional Oh! How can I be so "duh"? Nothing's easy on Earth! [laughs]

I'm gonna find a hammer the hard way.

Scavenger hunt! Do we even have a hammer? [tense music]

Sensei, I need to talk to you about - graduating to a red - Silence! I'm about to achieve oneness with the universe.

[inhales loudly, exhales]

[unintelligible muttering and grunting]

Now, bow to your sensei.

Master, I've been a green belt for five years.

It's time for me to level up.

[laughter]

Five years, and you think you're ready? Go get an ice cream cone or something, - and quit wasting my Saturday.

- Sensei, I'm serious.

Are you sure? The training you desire has broken many a student.

- I'm ready to do whatever it takes.

- Fine.

We start now! - Clip the toenail.

- Seriously? - Clip the toenail!! - Aah! Ugh.

- Plunge the toilet.

- Ugh.

Take the deduction.

Is your moment of failure at hand, Mr.

Diaz? No, sensei.

[dogs barking]

Hey, guys! - Just ignore me.

- Why exactly are we ignoring you? I'm scavenging the house for a hammer.

- Just pretend I'm not here.

- Okey-dokey.

[chomps]

- Do we even have a hammer? - No.

[groaning]

If I was a hammer I'd be up there! [dogs barking]

We have to do something.

That's right, Mr.

Diaz.

Feel the squeegee deep in your soul.

Preparation is key.

You never know when trouble will arrive.

[horn honks]

- Hello, dear.

- Mom! How nice to have you uh visit me at my own house.

It's nice to see you finally getting to those windows.

And you have a little friend helping you.

- Maybe I'll fix you a big helper's snack.

- Your mom seems nice.

Oh, yes, she often comes to see me.

But not too often, on account of her having her own home.

I'm glad you made that distinction, because it almost seemed like this was her house.

Here you go, boys.

If you need me, I'll be taking a nap in my room.

Okay? Okay.

It's clear that you live at home, in a room that is unsettlingly similar to mine.

Uh great.

Then you'll have no problem cleaning it.

Wait a minute.

Are you training me for a red belt, or are you making me do all your chores? No, no, we're training.

Ha! Cut the toenail.

Ugh! I think I've more than earned my red belt.

Uh, you can't because I, uh [sobbing]

- Because I'm also only a green belt.

- What?! I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life so I rented a dojo and ordered these instructional videotapes.

Each tape told me what to learn to get each color belt.

It was going pretty well at first, but I only watched as far - as the green belt tape.

- Why'd you stop there? Because the red belt tape got stuck in the machine.

Now it just holds up the short leg on my computer table.

Couldn't you just try to get the tape out and untangle it? I did, but that tape got stuck in another machine! What kind of sensei can't even work a VCR? [breathes deeply]

Well, we can totally find it online.

Except we can't.

It seems like this is one of the rarest sets of videotapes in existence.

- I guess we'll just have to find it IRL.

- No way.

I owe those guys too much in back taxes.

IRL means "in real life.

" We just have to find a copy somewhere out there.

I see.

In that case, we'll need wheels.

[Marco laughing]

- To adventure! - Feel the wind in my tassels! [dog barking]

Mom, call Rocket.

He's being weird.

[loud clattering noises]

[groaning]

Find hammer.

- What is this place? - It's cool.

You'll love it.

Ugh.

Come on.

It's like a yard sale, but inside.

These are the only kind of places you can find old videotapes anymore.

- Is that it? - No.

- Is that it? - No.

- Is that it.

- Nope.

- Is that? - Nope.

Got it.

Never mind.

This is how to karaoke.

Argh! This is impossible! We're never gonna find it.

Come on, we just got here.

Why don't you go check one of those other bookcases? Sensei? How about grape and cherry? Ooh, you know what? Just squirt every flavor you got on it zombie style.

- Ooh, yeah.

- Why'd you leave? Got some cash? I don't get my allowance till Friday.

Oh, uh here.

- Fifty-one, 52, 53 - Sensei? What are you doing? Dude, these chicks totally dig my bike.

- Are you for real? - What? You don't really wanna earn your red belt, do you? Look, we tried and we failed.

And that's okay.

It's not okay.

I actually wanted to be like you, but you're just like me, except I'm not gonna end up 38 years old and still living with my parents.

- I'll see ya later.

- W-Where you going? I'm going to find that tape and get my red belt.

Uh, bow to your sensei.

I don't have a sensei anymore.

So where am I gonna look next? I could check more thrift stores, but what are the odds I'll oh! Bump into it? You are no cinephile.

Next! I'm looking for a rare set of karate instructional tapes.

Finally.

A customer who knows what he's talking about.

It's the "How To Karate" series.

The red belt tape.

Behold, the coveted volume 8 red belt cassette.

Viewed only once.

[gasps]

I've been looking all over for you.

[slap]

Not without gloves, please.

Okay.

How much is it? I will give you the aficionado price.

2,400.

Dollars?! [laughs]

I can't afford that.

Well, there is another way.

Fight me for it.

Really? Yeah, okay! [gong]

[grunts]

I'm not leaving without that tape.

[fighting sounds, w*r cries]

Hey, Marco.

I'm still your sensei, right? Ooh Sensei, he has the tape! [panting]

[gasps]

Mr.

Diaz, clip the toenail! Hi-yah! You defeated me.

The tape is yours.

Can you ask him if he has the "How To Untangle Multiple VHS Tapes" VHS tape.

- No.

Do you have a pair of scissors? - Actually, we Not the critically acclaimed award-winning romantic comedy "A Pair of Scissors.

" - An actual pair of scissors.

- No.

It's okay, guys.

I'm done.

Go on without me.

[clattering]

A hammer! [both sighing]

STAR: Now I just need to find some nails.

- Huh? - Back to the store.

- You know, red is really your color.

- It's yours too, sensei.

I'd say this Earth girl did a job well done.

Now, let's clean this house the easy way.

[chimes]

I think Earth is a pretty great place That's saying something 'Cause I've been through outer space I think it suits me, it's just my style I think I'm gonna stay a little while I think that strangers are just friends you haven't met I'm blasting monsters and I never break a sweat I'm really thinking I could call this place home