12x13 - Camp Campawanda

[bunniefuu]

- (factory whistle blowing) - (moaning, babbles) (cat yowls and car alarm) Please stay green, please Come on, come on! - Damn it! - (tires screeching) Are we there?! Are we at camp?! Almost, honey.

One f'ing light in this craphole town, and I hit it every mother-loving year.

I can see the entrance! You guys are so lucky you get to live next to the best place in the world.

Hey! That guy's got a sleeping bag! Mom, maybe he needs a ride to camp! Whole town's got the camp spirit.

Not too close to the fire, boys! You'll burn your dogs! But that's how my friend Snot likes them! We're finally in the big-boy cabin this year! Can you believe it?! Oh, arts and crafts.

How long is this damn light? Big boys rule the camp, yeah! Big boys rule the camp! Tomahawk! Big boys rule the camp, yeah Big boys rule the camp, uh-huh The big boys rule the camp That guy gets it.

(glass shatters) Ooh, free hammer! Did anyone see that throw? Good morning, U.

S.

A.

I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.

S.

A.

Aah! Good morning, U.

S.

A.

COUNSELOR: I said-a boom, chicka boom CAMPERS: I said-a boom, chicka boom ALL: I said a-boom, chicka rocka Chicka rocka, chicka boom Oh, boy, Snotski.

Looks like someone was in such a rush, he forgot his sleeping bag.

No matter.

You can share mine.

We'll just sleep nose-to-nose keep our privates at a respectful distance and our faces mashed together, I guess.

Actually, Steve, I won't need my own bedding this summer, 'cause I have this.

Whoa, buddy! Only counselors are allowed to have whistles.

Wait.

Are you A counselor-in-training.

My whistle's corked so you can't blow through it.

But Chief Danny says if I do a good job with the Lil' Apaches, I'll get full whistle privileges.

How's it going, boys? I tell ya, Steve, every time I see you, I just want to give you a wedgie! You've got a wedgie face.

Anyone ever tell you that? I usually get "Ellen Page.

" But I'm a big Cherokee now, so I'll be the one giving the wedgies.

Actually, no one will be giving wedgies.

Thanks to a lawsuit that until now, I was sure you'd filed, we have a zero-tolerance policy for bullying.

I don't like it personally, but it's really helpful for the wimps and the Polacks.

Why would you choose to be a C.

I.

T.

instead of a camper? If you're a C.

I.

T.

, you don't have to pay.

It's the only way I could afford to come this year.

I always forget how poor you are.

I drink generic milk.

It's gray and comes in a bag.

I think it's softening my bones.

But I promise you, nothing is going to change between us this summer.

Big boys rule the camp? BOTH: Yeah, big boys rule the ca I'm part of a class-action lawsuit.

You all laughed at me, but I told you we needed five newspaper subscriptions.

Happy anniversary, babe! Oh, yeah, congratulations, you two! Which anniversary is it? Is it one? Is it two? Is it 69? (laughing) Well ex*cuted, Jeff.

You just earned yourself one month of USA Today.

Anyway, we're gonna celebrate by heading out to Burning Man.

I used to burn.

Got too corporate.

Now you gotta poo in designated areas.

Anyhoo, how'd you get tickets? I hear it's hard now.

Uh You didn't get tickets? You told me you were taking care of it! (imitating Jeff) "I got it covered, babe.

" Hey, don't get on the naggin' wagon now.

Could've used that when I forgot to get tickets! Ugh! Way to ruin our anniversary! 69 years down the drain.

which is how this camp came to be built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Which tribe? The, uh Whatever, kid.

They were friggin' Indians.

And some say their zombie chief still haunts the camp.

(light switch clicks) Whoa, whoa, Steve! What's going on? Just telling the Lil' Apaches here the legend of the camp.

(as the Cryptkeeper) It's a great "dead" -time story.

(laughing evilly) Okay, maybe that's not a good idea.

If you get 'em all riled up, I'm the one that has to read 'em an extra chapter of "Super Fudge".

(normal voice) I thought this C.

I.

T.

stuff wasn't going to change us having fun.

It's not! Look, let's hang at the rope swing tomorrow after lunch, just you and me.

What about them? They'll be writing letters home and playing with the iPads they smuggle in.

Right, guys? We don't all have iPads.

(laughter) My Etch-a-Sketch can do something your iPad can't.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on! Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on! Since you couldn't go to Burning Man, I brought Burning Man to you! I'm giving you two the best anniversary ever.

And tearing up my lawn! It's a Burn, Stan.

The only limit is your mind.

(crash) And the property line.

(crickets chirping) I can't believe Snot stood me up.

I've wasted the whole day flawlessly skipping stones.

Oh, no! It's the man from the other side of the lake! Are these yours?! Your stone hit me and my wife while we were making love! You were alone over there.

That is one narrative! - - SNOT: (thinking) As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a counselor.

Hey, what do you call 50 townies at the bottom of a rockslide? A good start! (laughter) Good one, Chief! Get you another Sprite? I don't know, Snot.

Do townies eat their own sh*t? (laughter) To me, being a counselor was better than being president of the United States.

It meant being a somebody in a town full of nobodies.

STEVE: You guys get Sprite?! Camper Steve? What are you doing in the counselor cabin?! I'm sorry, Chief.

Just a little misunderstanding.

Do you have any idea how long I was waiting out there for you? I'm sorry.

What happened to us having fun together? - I have responsibilities now, - grown-up stuff.

That are more important than me? Yes! I mean sometimes.

Yes.

Oh.

Okay.

Look, Steve Apology accepted.

I wasn't apologizing.

I was just gonna say it's bedtime for you.

What a d*ck.

- I'm still here.

- I wasn't talking to you.

This guy was talking to this guy about how much of a d*ck he is.

I'm tired of you guys fighting all the time.

You want to make up in my mouth? (moaning) BOY: This, Smith.

This is why no one wants to canoe with you.

Hey, guys! How was arts and crafts? You make some cool dreamcatchers? Great! Great! I've just been finding all the candy you hid in here! In your pillowcases, under your mattresses.

And, guys, come on.

I know "Todd" isn't a real camper.

He's just a bunch of Starburst mushed together wearing Noah's clothes.

Didn't you used to sneak candy into camp? Yeah, when I was a kid.

Now you're looking at a grown-ass man.

Do you see this? This is what a grown-ass man looks like.

You are all missing swimming.

And if I find this stuff again, I'm gonna make you smell these Air Walks I've been wearing all summer without socks.

STEVE: Snot's not letting you have any fun, huh? Well, I'm here to change that.

(inhaling) (coughing) (straining) That's a lot of powdered sugar.

(coughing) What is happening? What is happening is (coughing) is I'm (coughing) Mm! Whew! I'm here to invite you guys on a panty raid.

Won't that get us in more trouble? Listen, I came here to have fun! This time tomorrow, we could all be knee-deep in stolen Disney princess Underoos! - Yes! - Yeah! - Whoo! - Let's do it! Still doesn't change the fact that I'm wetting my bed because I'm homesick for Mommy.

(loud dubstep music plays) Hello, my lovelies.

I have playa gifts for you.

Anniversary necklaces.

Together, they symbolize your love.

Wow! Roger, these are beautiful! Did you make them yourself? I went to Target myself.

I told you, I want this to be special for you.

Later, I'm cooking you a gourmet meal.

Plus, I made you a sheet of acid.

Each tab features a little alien saying, "Take me to your dealer.

" (chuckling) They usually say "leader," but this alien likes dr*gs.

This is so thoughtful.

This whole thing, it's just too thoughtful.

When has Roger ever done anything just to be nice? He always has an ulterior motive.

Dude, that's true.

Maybe these psychedelics will help us see through his plan.

Jeff, no! Look, until we figure out what Roger's up to, we should do nothing, trust nothing take nothing.

Can I take a Benadryl if I get stung by a bee? Yes, Jeff, you can take that.

What about Roger's homemade Benadryl? It's good that you're asking me about these things.

No.

What's that horrible music? It's called dubstep.

It's the sound of living in your parents' basement forever.

(laughing) Why are you being so uptight, Stan? Come hula-hoop with me! Is there another one?! (wind blowing) Oh, no! Roger's acid! Each of these things can make a full-grown man trip balls! Imagine what they'll do to a four-ounce goldfish! cr*cker? I think I'm "crackering" up! (canned laughter) (applause) (gasps) They're all here! Milanos, Chessmen Pretzel Thins.

(applause intensifies) Congratulations, Klaus.

You're high as sh*t.

Okay, guys, I did a little panty raid recon on the girls' cabin.

Actually, we're not doing the panty raid.

W-Why not?! Well, we talked about it, and we get the sense that you're a pretty nerdy 14-year-old.

But us, we're pretty cool 10-year-olds.

I've kissed three girls this summer.

So, we're feeling like we should avoid anything that you do.

(sighs) Okay, first of all, Paul? [Bleep]

you.

(loud dubstep music plays) Whoa! Cool bed! I stress-tested this baby to four tons, so feel free to pound it out.

Again, very thoughtful.

The food looks delicious, too.

Good so you'll eat, then get nice and tired and sleep like the dead.

What's that? It looks like blood.

(chuckles nervously) Must be mine.

I mean, who else's would it be? Nope.

One of those cocker spaniels must've had their period in here.

Okay, you two, eat and sleep time! (crickets chirping and owl hooting) (whispering) Oh, this is awesome! You guys should've seen the Lil' Apaches.

They were all like, "Can we please come with you, Steve? None of us have even kissed a girl.

" I heard Paul is plowing his way through Cabin 7.

The point is I told them if I'ma do a panty raid, I'ma do it with my O.

G.

s the younger, sleepier Mini Mohawks.

This doesn't feel fun, what you're doing right now.

It feels more desperate.

(shouting) Desperate how?! Okay, so we're gonna bounce.

Just 'cause we're leaving doesn't mean we don't want you to get better.

(loud dubstep music plays) Hey! Where's your glow? - Darktards! - (bicycle bell dings) All right, we need to figure out what Roger is up to.

Klaus, are you okay? Oh, yeah, I'm cool.

I'm cool.

I was just gonna cut my face off to let the shadow people out of my skull.

So, the burritos are up for grabs? Burritos?! I'm marrying this young couple.

(music continues) All right, I think I got something.

Roger wrote down a phone number.

Reverse lookup says it's a medical clinic in El Salvador.

Hey, does this mean anything? Holy crap! Roger set this whole thing up to take our organs! Roger's evil! But you gotta give him a little credit for being so organ ized.

(chuckling) There's that smile.

Bunch of 8-year-olds calling me nerdy.

Bunch of 6-year-olds calling me desperate.

I don't need any of 'em.

- Snot? - Gotcha.

Don't you mean "Gotye"? 'Cause you're Somebody that I used to know ANNOUNCER: "American Dad" remembers Gotye.

I can't let you do this.

Sure you can! You can do it with me! You don't think I wanna have fun? But if I have fun, sunscreen is not applied, friendship bracelets are poorly woven, and no one scratches Chief Danny's bug bites to completion! You know what? Forget it! I got panties to try on Raid! To raid.

Stop, Steve, or I'll What? Blow your corked whistle? You wouldn't dare.

(blowing whistle) C.

I.

T.

Snot, you uncorked your whistle.

This better be good.

Camper Steve was about to commit a panty raid.

By himself? That's kind of a bummer.

And also a clear violation of our no-bullying policy.

I gotta send ya home.

What?! I will, however, allow you to sing "Boom Chicka Boom" one last time.

But I I said a-boom chicka-boom (sadly) I said a-boom chicka-boom I said a-boom chicka-boom (crying) I said a-boom chicka-boom I said a-boom chicka rocka chicka rocka chicka boom (sobbing) I said a-boom chicka rocka chicka rocka Chicka boom Gimme a Sprite.

Get the hell out of my bar.

Don't tell me Sprite's only for counselors.

(glass shatters) There's two things we don't like in this town that lousy summer camp and Sprite.

So, you can do the Dew, or you can be on your way.

You don't have to tell me that camp sucks.

It double-sucks.

Hey, everybody, this kid's making a lot of sense over here.

What'd he say, Meaux? He said that camp, and I quote, "double-sucks.

" Whoa! (chuckles) I never had the balls to push it that far, but he's right.

They drive straight through our town to drop their bratty kids off.

Never once stopping by to see what the mill's like.

It's really cool in there.

I bet it is.

That dumb camp kicked me out 'cause I wouldn't play by their rules.

Now my life is garbage, just like you guys.

- Yeah! - This kid gets us.

Ah, I wish there were some way we could help ya get back at that camp you know, since you're one of us.

We could give him a tour of the mill.

It's really cool in there.

Yes.

Maybe not today, but let's definitely get that on the books.

In the meantime, I know just how you guys can help me get back at that camp.

But before we get to that, which sushi roll would you recommend? (loud dubstep music plays) (singsong voice) Hayley.

Jeff.

Watermelon.

Aha! Busted! Wait, what are you Did you not sleep in the beautiful bed I put together for you? Nope, we've avoided everything you've done for us this weekend because we know you're harvesting organs! That cooler is probably full of 'em.

This cooler is filled with fresh smoked salmon for your breakfast in bed! Man! For once in my life, I do something with absolutely no ulterior motive 'cause, "Oh, it's supposed to make you feel so good!" Never again! So what's with the operating room in your attic? I was harvesting my own organs! How do you think I was planning to pay for all this? Unfortunately, there's not much of a market for alien organs, so I'm going to have to put 'em back in.

Or maybe not I haven't noticed a single difference since I took them out.

Oh, my God! Let's all go to the body Let's all go to the body Let's all go to the bodyyy We'll go in through the butt (organs chittering) (trills) (coughs) How long was I out? Jeff? Did you take advantage of me? Looks like the counselors won't be stopping us, so let's have us a panty raid! Look, we're adults.

If we go stealing little kids' panties, well, that's a list you don't wanna be on twice.

ALL: (chanting) Raid, raid, raid! Whoa! You guys are motivated! Wait up! Steve! What are you doing?! Me and my new friends from town are teaching this camp some manners.

(grunting and screaming) It looks more like a riot.

(screaming) (intense classical music playing) - (screaming) - - (grunting) - We're free! This is gonna be my coffee table! Uh, guys, m-maybe we should have a quick pow-wow to review our objectives here.

You're not our leader.

You're just some kid that looks like Juno.

Only from certain angles! Now calm down! You think you can tell us what to do? You'd You'd k*ll me over this?! Would it please m'lady? (clears throat) Sorry.

I meant "mill lady.

" Run, Steve! Get 'em! (crowd shouting) You can't tread water forever! Yeah, but we can do it for 20 minutes, or else we wouldn't have lake privileges! Townie huddle! - (muttering) - Privileges 20 minutes I know, I know.

(muttering continues) Okay! Enjoy your swim party.

We're gonna keep raiding.

(crowd cheering and shouting) Sorry I brought hell into this camp.

I was just mad at you because you were becoming a grown-up first, and it was changing everything.

No, Steve, I was wrong.

I thought being a grown-up meant not having fun anymore.

But look at them.

Let me down, you townie scum! Whoo-hoo! Best day ever! They're having a ball! Exactly.

No matter how grown up we get We'll always be able to have fun.

I think he's havin' a heart att*ck! (laughter) (factory whistle blows) Shift change! (chief whimpers) Time to get to work, fellas! (eerie whooshing) (gasps) Yes.

This body will do.

Ew! Ew! I'm covered in ants!