12x20 - Garbage Stan

[bunniefuu]

Stan, James had me sign for this.

Who's James? James is our mailman, hon.

I'm home alone a lot.

Sometimes, I pretend we're old friends when he's putting mail in the you know, the thing.

A fun fact about James I made up his name.

Oh, I guess I've never really thought about what you do all day.

Whenever you're not here, she'll walk straight up to a wall and stand there, "Blair Witch" style.

It is messed up, Stan.

The notice is from my father's storage unit.

It's going to auction unless I claim it.

Awesome! A whole garage full of Grandpa's stuff! Not "awesome," Steve.

Grandpa Jack's a criminal.

Most of that stuff's stolen, no doubt.

And all of it's tainted.

I forbid anyone from going near that unit, including me.

I forbid myself.

Damn! Now, I want all of you to forget about the notice.

In fact, let's sit here in silence until Grandpa's unit is erased from our memories.

No can do, Stan.

I've been in way too many steam rooms with Jack to forget that unit.

Me and the other spa rats used to call him "Tall Boy" because he'd always be drinking tall boys while he steamed up that thermos-sized hog.

I really hope there's a Darryl Strawberry rookie card in your grandpop's unit.

Sorry, Klaus, even if we found a Rebecca Lobo rookie card, I'd leave it there.

Dad would be so angry if he found out about this.

I just want to learn a little bit more about Grandpa.

You'd take the Lobo.

I'd have to.

Oh, looks like it's that one over there.

What's up, d*ck-a-loos? Roger? What are you doing here? Just "Storage w*r"ed the crap out of this auction.

I went all in.

Had a really good feeling about this bad boy.

About to find out what my 800 bones got me.

Oh, sh*t, it's all doll heads! I don't need these.

I already have a bunch of doll heads.

I keep them down in a storage unit I quit paying for.

Figured some sucker would buy it at auction.

Damn it, this is my unit! Which means My bumper-pool table! Hey, guys, where ya going? I'm starting a thing here! Both: Whoa! Steve: Grandpa had a garbage truck? Steve, did you notice there wasn't one black doll head? Good morning, U.

S.

A.

I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.

S.

A.

Aah! Good morning, U.

S.

A.

Mmm.

Cake does taste better outside.

[Rumbling]

[Brakes hiss]

I told him not to go to that unit.

[Plate shattering]

My cake! Out of the truck, now! But I'm a fish, Stan I'm so high up.

I need assistance.

Hey! This thing's going back in storage.

Why? I told you not to go there, and you disobeyed me.

You're already being corrupted by your grandpa.

[Engine revs]

God, I've always wanted to drive one of these.

This is so cool eating cake outside and then driving a garbage truck.

What an amazing day! Hey, Rog, is it cool if I play a little bumper pool? [Chuckling]

Oh, cute.

You want to play bumper pool.

Yeah, that's what you do play it.

You're so stupid, I can't even look at your face right now.

But go ahead, have at it.

Rail, bumper, bumper, rail, bumper, hole.

Shatter.

[Glass shattering]

Good golly, she's a natural.

She could b*at South Dakota Slim.

South Dakota who? South Dakota Slim the best bumper pool player in the world.

And you've got what it takes to take him down.

Wow! You really think I got what it takes? I just said that.

Anyway, I'm taking you on the bumper-pool circuit! By the time I'm done with you, you'll be cool as a cuecumber.

I instantly realized that didn't work.

Hey, Smith & Son is back! [Tires screech]

Smith & Son! Get a job, dumbass! Waste removal! Yeah, Smith & Son! Dad, see them? They're all looking at us.

Rude.

Grab the wheel.

These looky-loos are about to lose a staring contest.

You blinked! [Sighs]

- [Honks horn]

- Smith & Son! Get a job, dumbass! That's right, son, we're garbage men.

Now, stop spying on me in my mirrors.

[Horn honking]

Dad, are you okay? I'm better than okay.

I just had a good memory of my father a time when he was an honest, hard-working garbage man.

See, the truck's not so bad.

I found the old route list while you were driving with your eyes closed.

What do you say we give it a whirl? What the hell for old time's sake.

And for new time's sake.

Because Good memories last forever Is that a song? It could be.

[Brakes hiss]

This is it.

Don't you want to collect some trash? It's a two-man job, Steve.

Little man gets the trash, big man works the lever.

Ooh, I want to pull the le I'm the lever guy! [Grunts]

You remind me of Jack Smith.

[Screams]

Snuck up on me.

Your voice, uh, maybe not so much.

Jack's my grandpop.

I'm Steve.

Enzo Pierotti.

It pleases me that Smith & Son is back in business.

We've been using my son to do our runs.

Your runs? Tony! 'Buca? No, Tony, not time for sambuca.

Time for accordion.

[Grunts]

My son was training for the Olympics, but now he's just an alcoholic.

So, that's why he's doing all the jumping.

[Grunts]

Ooh, can you play "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"? Oh, I don't play these things.

Drop this at Chiang's Chop Suey.

They'll be expecting you.

Is this illegal? Just do as your grandpa did less questions, the better, unless it's about what to order from Chiang's.

My answer the suey.

Stan: Can I pull the lever, Steve? I'm itching for it! Hit it! Mwah! Mwah! Damn, Steve.

Two kisses.

That guy's into you.

Um, Dad, maybe we should return the truck and forget all about this garbage stuff.

That guy back there gave me an accordion What a great memory for you.

This is bringing a lot of memories back for me, too.

Thank you, Steve.

You've helped remind me that there was a good side to my father.

So, next up Chiang's Chop Suey.

Chiang's! I loved that place as a kid.

I used to play around with the waiters by imitating their thick Chinese accents.

Yep, I was a real r*cist little sh*t.

[Crickets chirping]

Steve: Besides serving up k*ller chop suey, Chiang's served me two sacks of fortune cookies filled with cocaine.

Whoa.

You better let me test it, make sure it's real yayo.

Klaus, you're in recovery.

For sure, yeah.

I was just testing you.

You're my rock, bro.

If I could grind you up and snort you, I would.

So, then, I had to take the "cookies" to Rinaldo's Dry Cleaners, exchange them for boxes labeled "hangers," which I then took straight to the dump.

It sounds like you've got quite the racket going.

What's the problem? The problem's that my dad thinks it's legit.

If he finds out the truth about Grandpa's business, it'll break his heart.

Why don't you just go clean? I can't.

Our truck is ancient.

It can't compete in the legit garbage world.

But if I can put together enough scratch, I can buy one of these.

- The Sidewinder XTR? - You know it? Steve, I have a poster of the same one, but in forest green.

Oh, forest green would be nice.

This baby has automated arms, dual steering.

Steve, I'm still making payments on my poster of the XTR.

How are you going to buy a real one? All I need to do is move accordions and fortune cookies for a bit longer, and Smith & Son can go clean.

Hold on a minute.

Where? Where do you have a poster? - You don't have a room.

- I put it up in that little alcove between the kitchen and the garage.

I've come to think of it as my room.

It's coming down.

Honestly, Klaus, who the hell do you think you are? You know you're not supposed to put anything up on our walls.

[Engine idling]

Mmm.

The way the dashboard and windshield smush the hash browns together with the sausage We should call them "dash browns.

" - You just think of that? - Just now.

[Loud burp]

- [Little burp]

- You're getting better.

Really? [Belching]

Yes.

So, are you enjoying spending time with your old man? What's not to enjoy? Steve, check out this new spin-kick I learned.

[Playing "The Boys Are Back in Town"]

- Is that? - Thin Lizzy, man.

[Playing "The Boys Are Back in Town"]

Just needs drums.

["The Boys Are Back in Town" Plays]

Guess who just got back today? Them wild-eyed boys that had been away Haven't changed that much to say But, man, I still think them cats are crazy They were askin' if you were around How you was, where you could be found Told 'em you make your livin' downtown Drivin' all the old men crazy The boys are back in town Boys are back in town I said, "the boys are back in town" The boys are back in town The boys are back in town The boys are back in town Roger, where are you taking me? To the center of the bumper-pool universe.

Prepare yourself.

This is just a bunch of kids.

Poor kids.

That's who's best at bumping.

Their parents work all day, so they hang out here, honing their rec-center gaming skills until it's time for chopped up hot dogs and canned green beans.

But the real action happens in the back.

- Hi! - Nope, get out.

Yep, this is the place.

That gentleman was nice enough to remind me I'm not allowed back there until I settle my debts.

But you go b*at everyone in there, you'll get South Dakota Slim's attention.

Man, suddenly, I'm, like, really nervous.

I-I don't think I can do it.

Sounds like you need a pep talk.

South Dakota Slim! South Dakota Slim! South Dakota Slim! South Dakota Slim! South Dakota South Dakota Slim! Let's get him! Uh, Dad, I was thinking, why don't we swing by Chiang's and grab some grub for the fam? Don't got to twist my arm.

- Seat-belt check.

- [Brakes squeal]

Oh, dang free fortune.

It can't be.

They wouldn't.

[Snorts]

It's cocaine! [Upbeat music plays]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve what have you done? [Farts]

Got it.

Sorry, Lenny, but this game is over.

Keep it.

Consider Roger paid up.

What? What? Whoa, magic stick? No, it screws in.

It's It's got a thread, see? Huh.

Just screws in like a light bulb.

Roger! What? Cripes, they forgot the chop sticks.

It won't feel authentic.

How am I supposed to eat my moo shu pizza? Dad, bit of a moo shu fiasco over here.

Let's talk damage control.

[Brakes squeal]

What are we doing here? This is why we're here.

- What was that? - Damn it, you know what! I found it in a fortune cookie! Dad, I-I can explain.

When did this start? 30 years ago! So, you've been lying to your old man for 30 years? No! It was Grandpa's racket! But you were so happy, I didn't want to ruin the one good memory you had with him.

I knew it! My dad was crooked, and now he's corrupted my son! But, Dad, it it was only temporary! With this last delivery, now we have the money to go legit.

More lies from Steve, the lie boy! Why? Why didn't you tell me?! Did you think I couldn't handle it?! Get out! Smith & Son is over.

Dad, you shouldn't be in there with the engine running.

Just poke some holes in the door and get the hell out of here.

Steve, it was wrong, what you did.

But I realize you were trying to protect me.

I just wish you had been honest with me.

Steve? Oh, sh*t, it's all doll heads! [Gasps]

He's going for the truck.

Truck's still here? I'll show my dad.

With my new truck, the only thing criminal about this operation is how gosh-darn efficient it'll be.

[Chuckles]

What the hell's he doing? Not on my watch.

Klaus, what's going on in here? Stan, I'm a member of this famil aagh! [Glass shatters]

Oh, my God.

Hayley, this is it South Dakota Slim's unfinished basement! The Madison Square Garden of bumper pool.

You're gonna get to play him.

[Door opens]

Here he comes.

Why is he wearing roller bl [Sighs]

You're South Dakota Slim? Yep.

Or, as my mom calls me, "Justin.

" Hayley, wait! Where you going? My thing's coming to a big finish! Hayley: Bite me, Roger! Hayley, come back here! No one walks out on South Dakota Slim! You hear me? No one walks [Screams]

[Groans]

Ouch! Justin's Mom: Justin Delano Hemingway, what the hell was that noise? - Nothing.

- Well, wash up for dinner.

And you'd better not be wearing your father's roller blades.

I just put new wheels on those blades, and if they're not still super-fast when he comes home [Muttering]

He hasn't been home for three years.

He's coming home! He's closing a big deal, that's all.

He's a very important man! Where do you think you're going? I'm going to find Dad.

I'm back, baby.

Oh, I knew you'd come home! And I closed the big deal.

Trying to go legit, my ass.

More like "2 Legit 2 Quit" crime.

Hey, hey! I'm going clean, Mr.

Pierotti.

Not just clean energy, like my new rig, but clean business like, no more dr*gs and stuff.

Tony, come quick.

Steve is going clean.

- 'Buca? - Yes, Tony.

Now is a great time for 'buca.

[Chuckles]

You rascals have one for me.

Of course.

You got an honest business to run.

Get out of here.

He didn't take the money.

Frame him at the dump, capisce? 'Buca, 'buca, 'buca! 'Buca! You and I knew they'd never let him out.

Huh.

That 'Buca is quite an athlete.

Is his name "'Buca"? 'Buca! 'Buca's got some talent.

Could it be harnessed? By me? [Humming]

If the mob knew their missing money was going to petunias, they would not be happy.

Hell of a throw, 'Buca.

Is there any field event you haven't mastered? I'm confident now his name is 'Buca.

Oh, God, they're gonna search his truck! A Sidewinder XTR.

Yep.

About to pop her dump cherry.

That's disgusting, man.

We're just gonna have a quick look in the back, and you and this slut can be on your way.

[Tires squeal]

Dad, what the hell?! This is our new truck! You were about to get inspected! So what? I made Smith & Son Garbage Company clean.

I got to get there before them.

It's time for the ultimate seat-belt check.

Oh, my God! Dad, are you okay? Of course I am.

I knew the dash browns would protect me from the broken glass.

Why did you do that? Because I had to tell you.

I'm sorry I called you a "lie boy.

" I know you're no crook.

It's just that my father's a bad seed, and I worry that nothing good can ever come from him.

But don't you see, something good did come from Grandpa You.

You're a great dad.

And I'll never be anything like him with you around.

Oh, my God.

I guess something good can come from a bad seed.

It's been in front of my face this whole time Me.

I'm the something good.

I'm an incredible father.

I'm an incredible guy.

And I came from you.

We're not talking about you, Steve.

We're talking about me Stan.

Hey, you.

And now, Stan has to save his son.

Holy moly! They'll put me away for this! Relax, son, they got no evidence.

What are you talking about? The whole truck is full of [Tires screech]

Get ready to jump! What, now? Hold We should have jumped back there! Smarter.

[Screaming]

- Whoa.

- Totally.

How do we get out of here? Easy sit here at the landfill until they cover it over and turn it into a golf course.

Then we'll caddy for the rich fat cats, save up our tip money to pay the entrance fee to the big tournament, win it after a close call at the 18th hole, then take our prize money straight to a car dealership, buy a medium-priced sedan, and drive the puppy straight to our home and family.

Or we could call a cab, which will take us to the Langley Zoo, where we'll slowly win the trust of a capuchin monkey named Franklin.

[Chuckles]

I think I think this methane gas is giving us the crazies.

Let's rest up and gather our senses.