17x10 - Gold Top Nuts

[bunniefuu]

Alright, everybody.

We should be arriving

at Langley International

in just a few hours.

Thank you for booking your trip

with ValueVacay package vacations.

ValueVacay

We don't offer refunds,

but we do offer apologies.

I'm sorry for the smell.

Did you have a nice vacation, dear?

No!

My cheap ass husband booked

an all-inclusive trip

with ValueVacay to some Cancun sh*thole!

The trip didn't have to be bad!

It's these lousy kids that ruined it!

Like when Steve left the

door open and all those

black spiny-tailed iguanas

came into the room.

I was airing things out because

Hayley blew up the bathroom!

I was sick!

That monkey put its finger in my mouth!

You sucked on that monkey's finger!

Mom told me to do it!

I thought it was one of

those marketing monkeys

that promote new salsa flavors!

Speaking of monkeys,

I don't wanna monkey around

with those black clouds in front of us.

Then don't do it!

It's too late, I'm sorry.

Francine

About our argument before

I booked this extremely

budgeted vacation package.

It's my fault.

So I just want to say,

if we don't survive

you also made a lot of

mistakes before this trip,

and I don't forget that.

Are you gonna bring up the

little Matt Damon movie

"Downsizing".

You forgot to buy me a ticket,

so I had to sit by myself.

You forgave me for that!

I did forgive you.

I'm just remembering it now.

I watched from across the theater

while you and the kids

laughed your asses off!

We weren't laughing!

I don't think that movie

was supposed to be funny.

It was hysterical.

Matt Damon was so small!

It was pretty thoughtless, Mom.

Oh, you're calling Mom

thoughtless, Steve?

You let my Sims family

[BLEEP] die in a house fire!

I was five!

They said the saddest

nonsense as they b*rned.

Let it go, Hayley.

When you were five,

you poked a hole in my diaphragm,

to disastrous result!

Five? Do you mean me?

I'm a disastrous result?

I like you now!

Please, we're all very scared,

and you're fighting so loudly.

Why don't you just die, old lady!

The engines are out!

We're gonna be okay!

We're definitely going to die!

Sweet, sweet lightning,

I knew you would save me!

I'm declaring this bird a no-fly!

Everyone head to the back!

Francine, the week we were married,

you ate all the Golden Grahams.

Excuse me?

These are your parachutes!

You open them like this.

Oops!

I'm sorr

Mom? Dad?

Hayley!

Steve!

Oh, thank God we're all okay.

There's a lighthouse there.

Let's see if someone's inside.

I hope they speak Portuguese.

I'm two days in on Duolingo.

Holaaaa?

Which is "hello?"

Seems like no one's been

here for a long time.

Lots of drinking water,

and about a thousand

cans of pumpkin pie mix.

All those canned food drives

where I gave delicious pumpkin pie mix,

was that all going to

lighthouse keepers?

Gross.

This radio doesn't work.

Somebody's bound to come look for us.

Maybe once this fog clears.

Could be a long wait.

A chance to have some

quality time together!

I can't say I liked the plane crash,

but at least it put a stop

to all that silly fighting.

I, for one, am glad that we've

stopped all that silly fighting.

I'll tell you what isn't silly

our love for each other.

A hundred percent. The message is clear.

And yet

I still remember the things

you all did that made me mad.

I'm thinking about them right now.

I'm thinking only of those things.

Right, it's like,

I'm glad you're all alive,

I just wish my Sims family

was alive too, you know?

My Golden Grahams.

I cannot be here with you people!

There's not a single book or magazine

or 4,300-piece limited edition

Lego London Tower bridge?

We have to sit around

staring at each other?

We don't have to look

at each other at all!

There's a TV/VCR combo.

And a tape!

Yessss. Wait, what's on it?

Some episodes of "Murphy Brown".

Oh, this news magazine is run by idiots!

Whoa, Gold Top Nuts?

I want it to be a nice party.

It is the big game.

My brother is here!

But he roots for the opposite team!

My team's gonna win!

Hey, Mom, that's Tiffany.

I invited her over for the big game!

Tiffany's here?

Hi! I brought my boyfriend.

Man!

Honey, your boss is here!

Sorry to interrupt the big game,

but I came to tell you you're fired.

Oh, and give me that Gold Top.

I had a second can of Gold Top.

Gold Top nuts.

Give yourself the best.

That's all that's on the tape?

Aaand Murphy.

Cue Murphy.

Where Murphy Brown?

Ughh, we gotta get off this island.

I'm gonna see if I can fix the radio.

That's a dumb idea.

I'll just fix the big light.

I'm gonna write an SOS message

on the beach with rocks.

And I'll help.

Ugh. Don't talk to me while we do it.

You don't talk to me first!

- Hey.

- Yeah?

Were you gonna say something?

I, uh,

I don't remember.

Was I gonna say something?

Who are you?

Who am I?

Who are we?

The only question, really

in addition to all the others.

So none of us knows who we are.

But we are.

We exist.

Agreed. Our existence is unquestionable.

Listen to the sound of my

existence upon the ground.

And I know that I am human, that we

are humans.

But what does it mean to be humans?

I would like to posit something.

There is a lighthouse over there.

If it contains other humans,

they might know who we are.

Or why we are.

Sure.

No one is here.

Someone was just here.

They were eating some sort of food.

Mm.

This is the only,

and therefore best food I've ever had.

They were building some sort of device.

- And look at this.

- Look at what?

Seems like they go like this.

They're making everything blurry.

That's how everything is to me.

Then now, I am like you.

Not much to see.

Where did all the people go?

Look at that!

"H and E."

Who is "he"?

What if someone was interrupted

while writing "heaven"?

- Ooh.

- Ahh.

Or "hell".

- Hmm.

- Uh-oh.

Or "heggo"?

What is "heggo"?

A third option.

Ugh!

I don't understand what

any of this stuff is.

But how are we going to get

answers to our questions?

Who are we?

Why are we here?

What does it mean to be human?

I hunger in my despair.

Where is can?

Idiots!

- Whoa, Gold Top nuts?

- People!

I want it to be a nice party.

It is the big game.

Honey, your boss is here.

Sorry to interrupt the big game,

but I came to tell you you're fired.

This is humanity.

This is culture.

Gold Top nuts.

Give yourself the best.

Again.

Whoa, Gold Top nuts?

I want it to be a nice party.

It is the big game.

My brother is here!

My team's gonna win!

I had a second can of Gold Top.

My brother is here!

But he roots for the opposite team!

Tiffany's here?

Hi! I brought my boyfriend.

Man!

Tiffany's boyfriend is something bad.

Gold Top is something good.

My brother is here!

But he roots for the opposite team!

Give yourself the best.

They have covered their bodies.

We look just as they now.

Give yourself the best.

Gold Top nuts.

The best, correct?

They are everything. They are all.

How can we carry on without them?

All we have is the pumpkin pie mix,

but

Gold Top!

Gold Top! Gold Top! Gold Top!

- Gold Top! Gold Top!

- Look how human we're being!

Tiffany is a name.

And what a name!

We need names.

My name is Can.

My name is Lighthouse.

My name is Lighthouse.

My name is Can.

We're doing it!

Gold Top! Gold Top

Stop!

Is it Gold Top?

Are these names for people?

Let us turn to the tape!

It is the big game.

The one who puts out the Gold Top first

is always standing, like I am now.

They are called Mom.

I take this name.

The one who is fired,

Mom calls it "honey".

I like this sound for myself.

I still like Can. Call me Can.

Call me

Murphy Brown.

Hi! I brought my boyfriend.

- Booo!

- Hisss!

Ugh.

Your rude belch has entered the

room like Tiffany's boyfriend.

- It is the big game.

-

Can, what is "the big game"?

It came to me in a dream, Mom.

Are you ready to see the big game?

Ahh!

Excellent big game, Can.

You know what this fire reminds me of?

The fireplace that you

see in the background

when the dreaded Tiffany's

boyfriend comes in the door?

Yes!

The light in the sky,

that flashes like the

magnificent Gold Top seal,

has gone.

But the small lights

I think they can only be one thing.

Other lighthouses.

What about the water that

is in every direction?

How could we ever get

up to those lighthouses?

Obviously,

the world is an inverted, wet bowl,

dotted with lighthouses.

The further out you go,

the higher you climb

up the watery walls.

To understand the

universe is to control it.

I have written a new story.

Once, there was a dark-haired

person whose name was Mom,

and she wanted to make a nice party,

for it was the big game, after all

Another good one from Can.

A beautiful Gold Top day.

Look at this!

Look at this!

Also, look at this!

The pain is a hundred

Tiffany's boyfriends!

One thing's clear

this rock is a very important rock.

Ooo, Gold Top's on!

Sorry to interrupt the big game

- No! No!

- What is happening?

It is gone.

This is a sign.

- It is time to go.

- To where?

To the other lighthouses.

Murphy Brown is right.

There must be other lighthouses,

and they must contain other people.

And maybe they don't have

our knowledge of Gold Top.

We must teach them.

We must rule them?

Easy, Can.

It likely won't come to that.

It probably will, though.

It's ready.

To new, identical worlds!

The waters ahead may hold untold bosses

who seek to put us into fire.

But by Tiffany herself,

we will have the second can,

and it will be a nice party!

So long, lighthouse.

You've been good to us.

Now, we must ration cans,

for it will be a long journey

Another lighthouse!

Told ya!

We bring word of Gold Top!

Kneel before Gold Top, you heathens!

Uh, welcome to the Beacon Diner,

home of the best seafood

on the Langley waterfront.

Stan Smith, rewards member.

Need a no-reservation table for

my family.

Oh, my God.

Oh. Right.

Tiffany's boyfriend,

this is embarrassing.

It's the fourth hour

of "Morning Mimosa,"

and Trish has fallen

asleep in her chair,

so it's time for

"Liquid Lunch with Suze"!

They're the local Langley family

that everyone's talking about,

surviving a harrowing plane crash

and ending up on an abandoned island

where magnetic bedrock

erased their minds.

What they got up to then has

had the whole nation laughing.

My guests today,

for their first television interview,

the Smiths, or as they've come

to be known, the Nuts family.

One of our conditions in coming here

was that you not use that name!

You survived a plane crash!

Which is incredible.

Thank you.

All the other crash survivors

swam the short distance to shore.

Now, why on Earth did you

choose to swim to Magnet Island,

famously shut down for making

all those lighthouse keepers go insane?

We We didn't know

the island was magnetic,

and we couldn't see

anything with all the mist!

Yes, yes,

before the island's magnetic properties

were discovered,

it was called Misty Island.

- Everyone knows that.

- They do?

Let's skip to the ridiculous things

you came to believe on the island.

Well, we couldn't remember

what society was,

or who we were,

so we tried to figure it out.

By watching what?

This is the best part.

An old commercial for Gold Top nuts

An old commercial for Gold Top nuts!

It's all we had to go on.

Let's watch the commercial now,

and then we'll get into

the frankly hilarious

things you took from it.

Whoa, Gold Top nuts?

This is great. So funny.

Let's go over your dumb slang,

like the Tiffany's boyfriend stuff,

and then maybe talk about thinking

the sun is a Gold Top seal,

and then maybe the kids can demonstrate

that cuckoo "big game" you made up.

Dad, I don't want to do that.

Give yourself the best.

So you guys watched this

commercial and your response

was to start worshipping cashews?

You're making fun of us!

How about you wear your

daughter's headband as a diaper,

and we'll feed you some

of these for the camera.

Have you had these yet?

None of that stuff matters to us now!

You're being such a brother-in-law,

like you're rooting

for the opposite team.

This interview is over!

Up next, we have a marketing

monkey from Pace Picante,

and "Tin Cup" star Rene Russo is here

to lick their spicy,

new salsa off his finger!

That. Was. Horrible.

We are famous for being weirdos!

Hey, Nuts family.

Hey, looney birds,

you like nuts so much,

how 'bout you [BLEEP] on these!

Do you even have nuts?

How dare you!

That's it. No more TV appearances.

It's time to get back to our lives

and put this nonsense behind us.

But I can't stop thinking about it.

Why did any of it, the plane crash,

the memory wipe, the commercial,

why did any of it happen?

That's island talk.

The word "why" is now forbidden.

Why, you ask? Ya don't!

Stan's right.

We have to move on with our lives.

Forget it ever happened.

And no nodding uneasily!

I know, I know. I'm making it worse.

So.

None of us can stop thinking about

what happened on the island.

Steve you asked "why?",

and I think I know now.

Before the island,

we were fighting so much.

We thought we couldn't

forgive each other

because we couldn't forget.

But it turns out, if you forget,

then there can be no act of forgiveness.

The answer,

as much as we've tried to deny it,

as embarrassing and strange

as it may be, was on that tape.

If we can't fully forgive

and we can't fully forget,

then all we can do is offer

each other more kindness.

We have to offer each other

the best.

How I used to treat all of you.

How I will treat you from now on.

I'll put out the good nuts for you.

I'll put out the good nuts for you.

I'll put out the good nuts for you.

I'll put out the good nuts for you.

Gold Top, Gold Top

Gold Top, Gold

I'm up in my room,

thinking about ice cream,

wanting ice cream,

and then I remember we have

that four-year-old Soy Delicious.

Lotta frost on there.

Hey, I'm glad you didn't die

on that island or whatever.

Mm.

Wow.

These are actually incredible.

You should go buy some right now.

This has been a paid

advertisement for Gold Top Nuts.

Gold Top nuts ♪

You deserve the best ♪

Bye! Have a beautiful time!