02x03 - Jay's Friends

[bunniefuu]

So you'll just park here,

and you'll find the trailhead there.

Now, it is bear season,
so if you see any...

Do not hug them! You're gonna
want to hug 'em, but don't.

Just, uh, keep your distance.

- Business seems to be picking up.
- Yeah.

So far it's just been
antiquers and bird-watchers.

Would love to find a way
to expand our customer base.

Yes, how can we get the
halls of this once proud home

crawling with even more commoners?

Hey, babe. What's going on?

Yeah, I just sent the guests on a hike.

They were raving about the
breakfast you cooked this morning.

It looked amazing.

Smellwise, I would rank it

somewhere between patchouli and weed.

Speaking of cooking, you
know what else was cooking?

My jump sh*t on the court today.

TREVOR: Ugh, I miss playing basketball.

At Camp Ramah, I once
hit a game-winning three,

while being fouled, and
never even lost my yarmulke.

So were you just sh**ting around?

No, I played pickup, and I
met some really cool locals,

and they found out that we
run the Woodstone B and B,

and they were so into it.

Are we, like, local celebrities?

Hey, so listen,

Micah mentioned that they
might want to come over

tomorrow and watch the game.

Oh, Micah's kind of like their leader.

- The leader?
- Uh...

boss? They work together?

I don't know, anyway,
would that be cool?

Well, it sounds to me like
somebody made some friends.

Good for you for putting
yourself out there.

Come on, babe, it's
not that big of a deal.

Yeah, what are you, his mom?

No, it's just, it's been harder on Jay.

We both left our friends in the city,

but I have all you guys to talk to.

And I know that sometimes
he must feel left out.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, like now
could be one of those times.

Oh, sorry, I just...

[LAUGHS] Exactly.

♪ ♪

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Morning, roomie.

Another beautiful day in eternity.

How is this my death?

Happy three-month roommate anniversary.

But didn't you just wish me

a happy quarter-year
anniversary yesterday?

Well, yeah, that's
because months and quarters

don't always line up exactly.

Isn't the calendar so fun?

Pete, you're a great guy,

and maybe it's living in
the same room together now...

What's wrong, little buddy?

It's just, the relentless
cheeriness, it's a lot.

Okay, so you want me to be less cheery?

Like, all the time?

No, no, no, just when I'm awake.

Okay.

Well, that sounds like
a super fun challenge.

[SIGHS]

[MEN SHOUTING, CLAMORING]

- [ALL GROANING]
- [WHISTLE BLOWS ON TV]

Wow, this place is huge.

How many bedrooms did you say it was?

It's, like, nine.

- Mm.
- My wife inherited it,

and then we moved up from the city

to turn it into a B and B.

Beautiful place like this
must be booked wall-to-wall.

Eh, we do okay, but it's a new business.

We've had some setbacks.

Damn, check out the hottie.

Oh, yes, she is delect...

Oh, wait, I don't have
to pretend anymore.

That's nice.

Well, Jay, I, uh, I have a philosophy,

born out of basketball.

This is exciting.

He doesn't share this with everybody.

So, at the beginning
of every pickup game,

each team has a choice: take the
ball first or choose direction.

- Most people take the ball.
- JAY: Well, yeah.

You want to make sure you
get off to a good start.

MICAH: But what about the
sun? What about the wind?

Ball goes away,

direction... lasts forever.

Interesting.

I got a funny feeling about this guy.

Right? I've got tingles.

MICAH: Jay, you chose
direction with this B and B.

You chose to focus on the long run,

but wouldn't it be nice
to have direction and ball?

[CHUCKLES] So nice.

Jay, let me show you something.

What is that?

This is ball.

[SIGHS]

Yes! Yes!

Sam, we got a problem.

These "friends" of Jay's...
and I hesitate to say this

because the one is very hot...

but they got to go.

What are you talking about?

They're into some pyramid scheme.

They're working for this
company that's selling

these vitamin patches,

and they're trying to recruit Jay

- to sell them, too.
- Vitamin patches?

It's like modern-day snake oil.

The cure-all elixir that
gives you vim, vigor and verve?

What's the problem here?

Sam, if Trevor's saying
even the hot one has to go,

we have to take him seriously.

That is alarming, but I'm sure
there's an innocent explanation.

Samantha, if Jay truly is being
offered a snake oil opportunity,

one must at least entertain the notion.

We're not buying snake oil,

- or whatever it is they're selling.
- Oh, all right,

I guess you could press your own snakes,

but you're going to
have to move the rugs.

Hey, I brought snacks.

Oh, where's Jay?

He's giving Micah a tour.

It's really exciting that
he's getting one-on-one time

with Micah so soon.

It took me six months,

but then, I don't have a mansion.

Yeah, Norm doesn't have a lot of things:

self-esteem, a mother that loved him,

a filter when it comes to
sharing personal details.

Norm, you're being really negative.

Do you think you need to re-patch?

- No, I'm okay.
- Norm, re-patch.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Hot and bossy.

Okay, she can stay.
But the rest have to go.

Okay, so... [CLEARS THROAT]

what is the deal with these patches?

They're a proprietary blend
of vitamins and nutrients

that enhance one's quality of life.

Okay.

So is that, like,
based in science, or...

The recipe came to Micah in a dream.

Yeah, they helped
alleviate Norm's back acne.

He mentioned that several times.

And are you guys, like, in a company?

Are you working together or...

I mean, we don't like
to use the term company.

It's more of a collective.

We work together, live together.

Live together?

Okay, this is weirder
than a pyramid scheme.

That's because it's
not a pyramid scheme.

It's a cult.

You're saying Jay
accidentally joined a cult?

Well, he's not in yet,
but it's looking good.

This is just perfect... Jay
finally makes some friends

up here and they turn
out to be in a cult.

Sam, this is a good thing.

He's gonna make lifelong friends.

He's not joining a cult, Flower.

Well, what if he wants to?

Trust me, he doesn't.

Okay, well, be careful,

because sometimes when a
family member asks someone

to choose between them and the cult,

they choose the cult.

I just...

I'm worried about Jay's
feelings getting hurt.

There don't seem to be
many fun people our age

up in this town, and he
seemed like he was so excited.

Jay just meet these people.

- He'll get over it.
- Mm.

Sam, this guy Micah's incredible.

I mean, I've never met anyone like him.

Or he'll be crushed.

Either way, it's something to watch.

He just has this great
perspective on life.

It's a cult, Jay.

He's in a cult. He's the cult leader.

What are you talking about?

Flower told me, she
recognized all the signs.

Oh, Flower?

The one who asked you what
your name was yesterday,

a year after we moved in?

Okay, well, that's
not nice to point out.

I want to say...

... Larry?

Jay, come on.

They all live together
in some weird collective.

And Micah came up with the
formula for the patch in a dream.

- That's so cool.
- JAY: Yeah, okay,

so he's a bit hippie-dippie,
I'll give you that,

but you don't know him yet.

Plus, lots of people live together.

Your favorite show, Friends.

That's about a bunch of
people who live together.

They actually live in
three different apartments.

It was four.

Ross have own place
with Marcel, the monkey.

Oh. You know what?

I'm not debating Friendswith you, okay?

I really like Micah and I
hoping you'd give him a chance.

He's helping us out, big-time.

- What do you mean?
- The patches.

He gave us ten boxes for
free to sell on consignment.

Jay, you do not want to be

- in business with this guy.
- Babe, the patches really work.

- How do you know?
- [SHORT CHUCKLE]

'Cause I'm patched in, baby.

Yay! Larry's in!

Hey, Pete.

Welcome to another day in hell, bitch.

- What?
- From now on,

I'm a mean old sourpuss,
just like you wanted.

No more smiles, no more compliments,

no more scalp massages while you sleep

- to stimulate your dreams.
- Wait,

you massage me while I sleep?

No. I used to.

But that's all over now.

For the rest of eternity,
you're rooming with

a joyless, sulking void.

Pete, I don't know what to say.

That you miss friendly
old classic Pete now?

No. I like this.

Thanks, buddy.

Son of a B-word.

Screw it. In a way, all
major religions are cults.

Who are we to judge
these nines and tens?

HETTY: That Micah reminds me

of a stable boy who worked here once.

Some found his live body desirable.

Not me, of course, because I am a lady.

Ooh, yeah, touch those toes.

Hey, Micah.

- Oh, Jay.
- Hey. Hey.

Hope you don't mind, I
invited a few teammates

here to hang out at
your beautiful abode.

Yeah, th-that should be okay.

Look, I know some of
you guys live together,

but this is mostly a business,

this patch thing, right?

Yeah. Of course, of course.

It's a business, a
community, a way of life.

Okay...

Jay, please stretch, okay?
It's important to stay limber.

Especially if you're gonna live forever.

Yeah, and just, uh, when
you say "live forever,"

you mean that the patch
makes you feel like

you're gonna live forever.

Exactly. Because you can.

What was that?

Oh, he's quite insane.

Jay, how old do you think I am?

Uh, I don't know, man.

Um, ?

I'm years young.

And you look great.

Uh, Flower, you got a sec?

I wanted to ask you about
what you said earlier

about how sometimes people
choose a cult over their family.

I kinda got a sense there
was more to that story.

I don't really want to talk about it.

I understand.

Hey, Flower.

- Oh, hey, Alberta. What's up?
- Girl!

You were just telling me the story about

you choosing your cult
over a family member.

The one about my brother? Where was I?

- At the beginning.
- Right.

Okay, well, back when I was in the cult,

my brother showed up, and he
tried to get me to come home.

So the cult banned him from the property

and barred me from ever
speaking to him again.

If only he'd never tried
to get me out of that cult.

Well, it sounded like your brother
was just trying to protect you.

Maybe you should be angry
at the people who made you

choose between them and your own family.

You mean the cult?

- Yes, Flower.
- Huh.

Nobody ever talks about
a cult being in the wrong.

I feel like people do.

Sam, it is a full-blown cult.

Now he figures it out.

Why didn't he just listen
to you in the first place?

Sometimes men very stubborn,

like when Ross claim
to read Rachel's letter

instead of just admit he fall asleep.

JAY: This is bad.

He said he was years old.

Sounds young to me.

It's okay, just calm down.

Okay, we'll tell Micah he has to leave,

and then we can put this
whole thing behind us.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not be rash.

Trevor, they're a cult.

Yes, but this could be a
Heaven's Gate situation.

Sam, I'm just saying if
things break the right way,

we could be looking at
some sexy new ghosts.

- Let's go.
- Please.

I heard them talking about
something called "the final patch. "

That sounded promising.

Hey, hey, whoa.

- What is all this?
- They're moving in.

We're moving in. [CHUCKLES]

Where do you want this, Micah?

Oh, I'm upstairs on
the left with the wives.

[GRUNTS] This ain't gonna
be good for business.

No, no, no, no, all
of you have to leave.

Yeah, we're not gonna do
that. Jay, do you remember

this very long bill of lading

that accompanied the box
of patches that I gave you?

Oh, yeah, I remember
that it was very long.

And remember that you signed it

and I gave you a receipt?

- Oh, come on.
- Jay...

Well, buried in the
fine print was a clause

that allowed us to move in
in exchange for the patches.

See? Right there.

Oh, come on, man, that is so tiny.

That is a very underhanded
business maneuver.

Tip of my cap to you, sir.

You all have to leave or
we are gonna call the cops.

We have a signed contract.

Dude, this is insane.

What's your plan?
You're just gonna squat

- in our house forever?
- Of course not. No.

The lease explicitly says it's for
no longer than one trillion years.

So after that we'll be out of your hair.

Oh, thank God.

I thought they were
gonna be here forever.

So the good news is the lawyer
says we are in the right,

and the contract will never hold up.

- ALL: Yes!
- Huzzah!

But it's going to take months

and thousands of dollars in legal fees.

Months?

We can't run a B and B
with a cult living here.

We'll be driven out of business.

Pete, please just tell us
everything is gonna be okay.

We really need some of
your Pinecone Trooper

can-do spirit right now.

No can do, Sam.

I've changed. I'm dark now.

Because life is meaningless
and full of suffering.

- What'd he say?
- Nothing helpful.

There actually is one foolproof way

to break up a cult, and it's so easy.

- I'm not sleeping with Micah.
- Cool.

Thanks for the update.

It was something Flower suggested.

Nothing breaks up a cult faster

than an outsider
sleeping with the leader.

Great. Does anybody else have an idea?

Samantha, just talk to them.

As a delegate to the
Second Continental Congress,

I partook in difficult negotiations.

But through dialogue,

we found interests that aligned.

Yes, if a bunch of white male landowners

can find common ground,
then anything is possible.

Exactly. Point is, I
don't think they want

a protracted legal fight either.

That's true.

Maybe they will listen to reason.

Oh, sure, 'cause cults
are famously reasonable.

Not loving the new Pete.

[CHEERING ON TV]

Uh, what are ya'll doing?

I'm watching TV with Alana,
and Flower's third-wheeling it.

Trevor, that girl don't
even know you're there.

Listen, Flower,

I had an idea.

Why don't we look up your brother?

I mean, we don't know,
maybe he's still alive.

Oh, no.

After I got out of the cult,

I heard he'd been
k*lled in Vietnam, so...

Oh, Flower, you poor girl.

Yeah, Flower, I'm so sorry.

I wish I'd been there to
convince him not to go.

He spent his whole life protecting me

and the one time my big
brother needed protecting,

I wasn't there for him.

He was MIA.

MIA?

m*rder*d in action.

- Flower, MIA means "missingin action."
- It does?

It's also the airport code for Miami,

where I spent some baller weekends.

KIA is "k*lled in acion."

Wait, so you're saying
he might still be alive?

Well, going missing in a
w*r is not a great sign.

And even if he made it
out, he may be dead by now.

But you're saying there's a chance?

- You want me to look him up?
- Look up who?

- Your brother!
- Oh, what about him?

Child, just look him up.

I'll look him up.

[FLATULENCE]

I love how comfortable
she feels around me.

JAY: So what do you say?

We can avoid months
of headache and cost,

And you could just clear out now.

Nah, we're good. I
mean, what's a few months

when we're gonna live forever?

Oh, why would anyone
want to live forever?

Tell me about it.

Wait a minute.

Excuse me?

Have you ever thought about

- what living forever would actually mean?
- ALANA: Of course.

It's gonna be amazing.

[SCOFFS] I mean, in theory, yeah.

But for one thing, you're
gonna get sick of each other.

[GHOSTS AFFIRMING]

At least they get to
change their itchy shirts.

A small price to pay
for the gift of eternity.

Okay, but if you give me a minute,

some other specifics as to
why it sucks will come to me.

- Sunsets no longer very nice.
- Mm.

THORFINN: Same thing over and over.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yes.

Eternity take what was once beautiful

and turn into nothing.

Oh, sunsets, what about those?

I mean, right now they're beautiful,

but in, like, a thousand years,

you'll have seen so many,
they will just be boring.

Look, whatever you're trying to do,

it's not working.

- Nothing is gonna break us apart.
- So, what...

you just want to waste months in court

when you're gonna end up
getting kicked out anyways?

By then, you'll be one of us.

We're not going anywhere.

So, unless you have
anything else to say,

We'll be hearing from your lawyers

and seeing you in the hallway.

I slept with Micah.

[CHUCKLES]

Micah would never sleep with you.

You're an outsider.

Well, it's true, and I am
sorry if that drives a wedge.

Wait, is this true?

I am so proud of you, Sam.

He talked about how forbidden
it was the whole time,

which only made it hotter, he said.

This woman is lying to you, guys.

Okay? You got to believe me.

I would never sleep with
anyone but your wives.

Tell them you know about the
moles on his right buttock.

Trust me.

Um, he has some moles
on his right butt cheek.

That's just a lucky guess.

Three moles in a crescent formation.

Three moles. They're shaped
kind of like a crescent.

[GASPS] She knows about
the Dots of Destiny?

You watch him change or something?

No further questions.

You promised you wouldn't
sleep with an outsider.

And if you lied about that,
what else are you lying about?

Yeah, now I'm starting to question

this whole immortality thing.

- Like, do we even get our own planets?
- Well?

- It's working, Sam.
- MICAH: Guys, guys, I did not sleep with her.

Everybody's getting their own planets,

my bodily fluids still
cure the common cold.

This was a test.

It was a test, and you all passed.

Oh, it was another test.

Like when we looked you up online

- and it said you were born in .
- Exactly.

And let this be a reminder

that I can test you at any moment.

So let's leave this place

and put this toxic
non-believer behind us.

No! Alana, wait. Just wait... Alana.

Oh, can eternity get any worse?

[CRIES OUT]

You sorta teed that one up.

And just so you know, Jay,

I thought you were really
cool and good at basketball.

Aw. Maybe we can do it again sometime.

[CLEARS THROAT] But I don't want to.

Mm. Marriage. [LAUGHS]

That's the real cult.

I thought you said this wasn't a cult.

- It was another test, Norm.
- Oh.

MICAH: And you failed it.

What's going on?

Nothing. Uh, just looking
at a stupid sunset.

Certainly not getting
any enjoyment out of it.

Okay, look, just go back
to being yourself, buddy.

Why?

All that talk about eternity
earlier made me realize

that maybe eternity's
gotten to me, a little.

It's gotten to all of us.
Except, somehow, to you.

[SHORT CHUCKLE] How do you do it?

First of all, I haven't been around

as long as you have, and I don't know,

I try to stay positive, you know?

Sure, sunsets get a
little repetitive, but...

every once in a while,
one knocks your socks off.

And that's what keeps you looking.

Probably sounds a little corny.

[SHORT CHUCKLE] That sounds very corny.

SAM: Hey, Flower, do you have a minute?

Sure, man.

So, Alberta and Trevor told
me all about your brother.

- Sam looked him up.
- He's still alive, Flower.

Robbie's alive? He's AIA?

SAM: Yeah. And I hope
you don't mind, but

I emailed him and I told him
that I was in the cult with you.

And I said your biggest regret was

not making up with your brother.

So, I just got an email
back. You want to hear it?

No, I've heard them before.

They just sound like "b-ding!"

You know what, why
don't you just read it?

"Dear Moon Cow"?

- I couldn't think of a cult name.
- No,

that's actually really good.

You're a total Moon Cow.

"Dear Moon Cow. Thank you
so much for reaching out.

All these years, I thought my
little sister d*ed hating me.

To learn that she didn't
fills me with a great peace.

She was the kindest
person I've ever met,

and I loved her so much.

I wish I had told her
more often in this world,

But maybe I'll get a
chance to in the next.

Forever grateful, Rob."

And that, my friend, is
why I still look at sunsets.

Thanks, Moon Cow.

That's groovy.

That's really, really groovy.

No, don't...

And I'm stoned. [LAUGHS]