03x09 - a blanket on the television

[bunniefuu]

Okay, I hurt that guy bad,
man, and the worst part

about it is Boomer, f*ck.

- Boomer?
- Remember I told you

about Boomer, my dog, man?

She's locked up in my car.
She's been there for two days.

If she doesn't make it, man,
if something happens to her,

I'm gonna go f*cking crazy, man.

I'm not gonna make it
out of here.

She's in your car right now?

We'll find your dog, brother.

- It's okay.
- Yeah.

This is it.

It's clear you're not
ready to make this commitment.

I want Boomer
to be your teacher.

I want you to learn
from this dog.

If you can become
more like this dog,

I think you'd be on the path.

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Hi.

- Frank?
- Yeah.

- I can't believe it.
- All the way from Cairo?

Well, yeah, I jumped
on the first flight

after reviewing what you said.

Amazing, brother.
Amazing.

I wish you would've told me.

I would've got you a ticket.
- Thank you.

We'll reimburse you soon,
of course.

- That's okay.
- Come in. Come in.

When I found your business card

in my grocery bag, I thought,

"Who is this old man
trying to insert himself

between me and my corn flakes?

And then when I found out
you were Egyptian...

I knew you could help
my company.

- I am Egyptian.
- Did you know

that Egypt has the largest
untapped solar potential

on planet Earth?

Of course.

But I really didn't know that.

Because Big Sun did not want
you to know.

"Big Sun"?

The solar companies,

the multinationals that are
spending millions every year

to make sure that people

like you and I don't have all
the facts.

- Yeah, like Big Pharma.
- Exactly!

Guys like Elon,
they're bought out.

They're fakers.

They just want to be stars.

The only star that I care about
is the sun.

I hate this fucker.

Why don't I show you
the product?

- Please.
- Let's go.

So what's proprietary
about this, Simon?

Well, friend, what could be
more proprietary than the sun?

Yeah.

It's the perfect size.

You can put one of these
on the top of any car

- and power it up.
- No way.

You have a car
that operates with this?

Can I see it?

No, it's in the garage,

and, you know,
there's no sunlight in there.

Let's start
with something small.

- What kind of phone do you have?
- I got an iPhone.

- Great.
- Okay.

What we do is plug this in...

and watch the power of the sun

work its magic.

It must be because it's cloudy.

How was Egypt?

And your new solar company?

Good.

Would you like some tea?

I'd love that.

What's that?

PrEP.

What's it for, breb?

- It's like pre-per...
- I don't know.

- It's PrEP.
- Stop saying it.

Breb, breb, breb, breb...
You sound like a f*cking idiot.

I-I-I see the ad,

but, uh,
I don't look for too long.

- What's it for?
- It's HIV medication.

- What?
- Wha... what? What?

- What... you have AIDS?
- I-I don't have AIDS.

It's to prevent HIV.

You... you don't take the COVID
vaccine because you have COVID.

You don't take the COVID
vaccine because there are not...

Not enough clinical trials,
and... and... and... and we don't

- know the side effects!
- You're not vaccinated?

- You have AIDS!
- You have AIDS, okay?

I'm not taking
medical advice from you.

- Now I have AIDS!
- I don't have AIDS.

How the f*ck are you gay
and don't know what PrEP is?

I'm not gay!

Look, okay,
I'm not like you, okay?

I not wake up
one morning and say,

"Oh, it's a new millennium now!

"Yay! I'm gay!" You know?

Okay, come on,
that was pretty gay.

I'm not
and I don't seem gay, okay?

So, if anyone knows,
it's because you told them!

You know the video
that you made, the commercial?

- Mm-hmm.
- Gayest thing I've ever seen.

- Have you seen the comments?
- What the comments?

- What... what? What...
- Why does this matter?

You need to love yourself.

- f*ck you!
- I wasn't born 2007.

How old do you think I am?

All right, yeah, you're not.

Yeah, I'm not gay either.

Like, I'm out, man.
This is... this is too much.

I'm not... I'm not dealing
with you,

and just for the record,
neither of us have AIDS.

I'm gonna leave a bad review
on the app!

f*cking comments...

"We Stan the beefy queen"?
This f*ck.

"Crown me, Baba"?

Why not make it worth it?

It's one before the next.

It's one before the next.

We're only here for a while.

Why not make it worth it?

I'm a f*cking meme,
a f*cking meme.

f*cking k*ll him.

What did he post about me?

No.

No, no, no, no.
No, no.

No.

It's Dena...
I am busy right now,

but I'll get back to you
as soon as I can, thanks.

f*ck.

It's Dena. I...

- Dude.
- I'm sorry.

- I-I didn't see you.
- It's okay. It's all right.

I wasn't trying to touch you.

All right, man,
take it easy... it's all good.

Hey, I'm looking
for your sister.

Do you know where she is?
I need to talk to her.

- No.
- Look, Ramy, I'm serious.

I need... I need...
I need to find her.

- Where is she?
- Why?

- Wha... what's wrong?
- Nothing wrong,

Just... I'm looking for Dena.
Where... where... just...

Wh... why are you looking at me?
Why?

Nothing's wrong. Why?
Why you ask me? Why?

You think something...
Why you ask me?

Okay?
I don't understand, okay?

I come here, I see you
crying like a little girl,

and I'm concerned.

I'm your uncle and,
"Hey, you okay?"

Now you make it about me?
It's not about me.

It's about you.
I am fine. I am just perfect.

I am, like, very good, okay?

I'm normal, regular,
nothing wrong here, okay?

- Okay, okay.
- Yeah, okay, good.

You... yeah, okay,
you seem okay.

- What are you looking at?
- Hmm? No.

You keep looking.
What... what's going on?

I'm being followed.

Okay, yeah.

What's wrong with you?

Why your face look like this?

Oh, you're depressed because
you make a lot of money now?

My... my dog d*ed.

Oh, I thought you lost it
in the divorce.

Dogs are haram anyway.

You're gonna tell me
where Dena is or not?

Look, she's probably
at the house, okay?

My dad just got back from Egypt.

We're gonna get dinner
later tonight, okay?

Oh, New Jersey, okay.

Say that...
Just... it's no big deal.

I just want to say
I appreciate this group a lot.

I come from a faith
where there is no place

for this kind of conversation.

I'm Sikh.

Hey, we're all sick, brother.

- No, man.
- I mean my religion.

I'm a Sikh.

Uh, I love Gandhi
and philosophy and deep sh*t.

- No cross talk.
- No cross talk.

In my faith, we're told lust
is one of the panj chors,

the five thieves
that lead us astray.

It's a choice we make over God.

I've made that choice every day,

sometimes
even a few times a day.

There were times
it got to be too much.

I told myself, "Hey, at least
I'm not one of those guys"

"that cuts a hole in his pocket
so he can do it in the subway

or the doctor's office
without anyone seeing."

I still felt so much shame.

Sometimes...

I pay for sex.

I meet a new girl.
I book a hotel, and we...

And then she leaves.

I wonder, "Does she feel
the same guilt?

She seems fine, very chill."

I grew angry at my faith,
but I can't just take this off.

That's not possible.

It's my ritual,

something that shows me
how my day will go.

Every day...

I tie it so carefully,

wrapping it layer by layer
on my head.

Sometimes it's beautiful
on the first try.

Other times...

it isn't.

This sex stuff... in a way,

it's kind of a ritual, too, no?

At least...

when I'm done with this,
my hands aren't shaking.

Thank you.

Thanks for that.

Now...

Most of us have spoke.

Is there anyone left
who'd like to share?

Uh, yeah.

Fantastic.

Go ahead.

Um...

Yeah, I-I think I, um...

I think I've... I think I've hurt
a lot of people...

Like my friends...

Family.
Like, I had a...

I was mar...
I was married for a...

Pretty short amount of time.

And I, uh...

I don't... I... I... I guess
I don't... I don't really think

I even know who I am anymore.

I-I used to...

try not to think
about who I was.

I just wanted to think
about who I wanted to be.

Like, I wanted to be
this really good person.

You know, I grew up religious,

and I just wanted to be
a good person,

and... and I did everything
to do that,

but it was like everything.

Every time I tried to be good,
I was just... I was just worse,

'cause I was never me.

I was just trying to be who
I thought I was supposed to be,

and now I'm...

I'm pro... I'm probably
a bad person.

I-I...

But I don't know. I don't know
if it's because I-I...

I don't know if I'm bad
just because I...

U-used to believe
in... in... in wanting to be good.

You know, like, I...
There's no...

Like, I would go to the mosque,
and I... and I'd try to...

I-I-I-I'd try to tell them
wh... what I was going through,

and they'd look at me like
I was, like, f*cking insane.

Like, they... they'd look at me,
like... and I'm like,

"I thought I was supposed to
come here to say something,"

and they don't want to hear it.

They just want to hear
what they want to hear,

and then I found somebody.

There was a... I found a teacher
that I-I actually...

I gave him everything.

I-I-I did
what he wanted me to do,

and that didn't...
That didn't work either.

So I don't know.

I don't think that, like,
it... it even...

A-and then I look at my parents,

and, like, they're not even...

They're not even happy.

I used to think my parents
were happy, but they're...

They're not.

They're f*cking miserable.

Like, everyone
in my family is...

f*cking...

miserable.

And I was doing
what they told me to do.

I was try... I was...
I wanted to be like them.

I wanted to be like them.
I-I looked... I looked

at what they were...
Like, you're a kid.

You just want to be like them,
and I... and I thought...

I thought that they...
That they were right,

but they were...
They were f*cking wrong.

And now I'm like,
"Yo, they're... they...

They might be f*cking crazy."

You know, like, you grow up,

and you think
you're normal, actually.

You think what you're doing
is normal.

You think everything
that's happening i-is normal,

and then it's, like, every year
that goes by,

I look at them, I'm like,

"Yo, these people
are f*cking insane."

They're f*cking crazy,
and now I'm f*cking crazy, too,

'cause I'm just like them!

And now it feels like
everything's my fault.

Like, it's... it's... it's...

I-I f*cked up
f*cking everything.

Like... like, I...

Like, I f*cked up Palestine,
you know?

Like, that's on me.
That's what it feels like.

It feels like
I f*cked up Palestine.

And it's like...

I feel like religion
just is making it worse...

'Cause I look at my parents,
and it's like...

They say they believe in God,
but I don't...

I think they're just
f*cking anxious about God.

And I am, too,
and it just pushes me to do

all this f*cking sh*t,

and... and... and now I have
a fu... I have a problem.

My... my problem...

I-I ki...
My problem k*lled my dog.

What?

- No, I-I didn't...
- I didn't f*ck my dog.

Thank God.

f*cking unlocked?

Dena!

Dena!

- Whe... where's the Dena?
- She went out.

- We're meeting her for dinner.
- Huh?

Typical. Useless.

Are you holding the doorbell?

Did you put a blanket on the TV?

Is that for Boomer?

Is this your way
of telling us...

Okay? Because dog.

I cover the TV
because they're watching us.

It's full of cameras.

We should stay home
and... and wait for Dena.

Na seem, if there
are cameras in the TV,

why would we stay here?

We're going to Peking Palace.

Why Chinese food?

I don't think Peking Palace
is doing anything

- to the Uyghurs, okay?
- You don't know them.

We... we don't know
who's gonna be there.

Your husband just come back
from a long trip.

You should be a good wife
and cook him a nice meal.

That is what he wants.

No, I want to go
to Peking Palace.

And I'm not cooking, okay?

You don't have to come,
but we're going.

Let's go.

Mmm.

This is good, no?

Who are you texting?

Um, my friends.

Which friend?

Is it your friend
from the law school?

Did you get your bar score yet?

- It's...
- It's gonna take a while.

She always does well.

Dena knows everything,
doesn't she?

Uh, I don't know how I did yet.

- Um, well, um, what... what...
- What do you know?

- What?
- What do you know?

What do you know?

- Is everything okay?
- Okay?

Are you okay with what is
happening in the Uyghur camps?

What... I'm sorry?

The Muslims you enslave
to... to make your iPhones!

- Oh, sh*t.
- Na seem! Stop.

I'm sorry.

Um, he thinks you're responsible

because this food
is so authentic,

so he thinks we're in China.

Thank you for the real
Oriental experience.

- I'll go get the check.
- Thank you very much,

- mademoiselle.
- Thank you.

- What were you saying?
- What?

Thank you.
All right.

Come here, baby.

I'm gonna eat you in my belly.

What the f*ck are you saying?

I'm bigger than you.

I'm higher on the food chain.
Get in my belly!

Fat Bastard, Austin Powers.

Austin Powers...

- I don't know it.
- It... it sounds gay.

Okay...

Austin Powers,
the classic cinema.

What did you do?

- Oh, Ram.
- Yo.

I, uh, had a meeting.

Um, I'm not hungry, though.
It's okay.

- Habibi, try the egg rolls.
- They are so good.

No, here.

Give him that one.
Try it.

Thanks.

Try.

Authentic, right?

Thank you for dining
at Peking Palace.

Thank you.

Thank you for hosting us.

- Dad, it's okay.
- I-I got it.

Ramy...

You came late...

And you didn't eat.

- You know what?
- I'll just pay for it,

just like I pay
for everything else.

Halas.

This is my family.
This is my dinner.

I'm paying this.

Don't embarrass yourself, okay?

You don't have to pay.

Guys, we both know
who's gonna end up

paying for it, all right?

So let me just f*cking do it.

We are not your guys.

Don't forget, Ramy,
we are your elders.

- Ah, okay.
- We are guys, okay?

Right?
We're... we're not feminine.

- I have an idea.
- We can split it.

No!

- No, we're not gonna split it.
- Just let me f*ck...

Stop it.

I got it.
It's in my hand.

- It's in my hand.
- Open your hand.

- It's in my hand.
- Open his hand.

It's in my hand.

Fat Bastard.

Like, this is really extra.

- Oh, sh*t!
- Na seem, put it down!

I f*cking k*ll you!

Do it. Do it.

sh**t me. sh**t me.

- Na seem!
- sh**t me.

- Put it down!
- No.

No, go ahead. Do it.

sh**t me. f*cking do it.

Na seem!

Dena...

I need you outside, now!
I need to talk to you.

Am I, like, a hostage right now?

Outside, now!

Go. Go.

You are good at talking.
Go talk to him.

- Go.
- Mom, he has a g*n.

- Yes, but he always has a g*n.
- So go.

Therapy.

Go!

Be careful.

I don't know what he told you.

But whatever he told you,
it's wrong.

- What are you talking about?
- Azam, your friend.

Yeah?

I saw on Instagram!

He's a liar.

He told everyone.

We...

We didn't do anything.

We didn't even have sex.

Wait, Uncle Na seem,
what are you saying?

He was my sugar baby!

That's it.

I wa... I was just
helping him out, okay?

I gave him
a little bit of sugar.

I wish someone gave me sugar
when I was younger.

I came to this country,

and everyone treated me
like sh*t.

It was just some sugar.

- So are you...
- I'm not!

No, I'm not.

Huh.

You don't have to be
anything you don't want to be.

I live a good life.

I work hard.

I even paid all of my taxes
up until 2014.

But it doesn't stop!
It doesn't stop!

It fucks everything.
I don't understand.

It pesters inside me.
I don't know what it is.

It... it's not me.

It's not me,
but it control all of me!

Yeah.

I didn't take the bar.

The... the test
that you've been studying for?

Yeah.

I got scared...
or pissed.

I don't even know.
I ju... I just felt trapped.

And I didn't take it.

This is a sign from Allah

for you to follow your destiny.

You were meant to be
a wife and a mother.

- I don't think it's that.
- No, it is.

Uh...

Hey, Dennis.

- Sorry, what?
- 4:86, akhi.

You must respond
with alaikum al-salaam.

Yeah, alaikum al-salaam.

Right hand.

Brother, right hand
for food and drink,

left for wiping.

Yeah.

Uh, okay.

Such a baraka to see you again.

- Yeah, y-you too.
- You really... you look different.

Prison's been good to me.

I've been taken in
by the brotherhood.

- The Muslim brotherhood?
- Not that brotherhood.

But we are a brotherhood
of Muslims...

for sure.

Right.

Yeah, sorry, you just...
You really changed.

No, see, I don't like
that word... "change."

Nah, I call it "growth."

You know what? Did Zainab
and the sheikh send you?

They're good people,
but Astaghfirullah.

I can't do it, Ramy.

I can't deal with their
Sufi tongues no more.

I won't. I won't.
I can't. I've stopped.

- No, they... they didn't.
- I, um...

Look, I-I, uh, wanted you
to know, um...

Y-you asked me to take care
of Boomer, a-and I have been.

But she, uh...

She passed away, and I...

I just thought
that you should know.

- I'm really sorry, man...
- Akhi...

dogs are haram.

What? You're...

you're... you're not...
You're not upset?

When I had her, I was a sinner.

It's bid'ah.

Hamdulilah,
she's with the Creator.

- This is Boomer... this is...
- Alhamdulilah.

Alhamdulilah.

How's it going
with you, you know?

What's going on
with Zainab and the little one?

W-What?

Look, I know you got divorced.

I mean, it's the most hated
thing permissible by God,

but I know
you have your reasons.

It's a bit like managing
a broken home.

- Yeah, well, what'd you...
- You said Zainab and... and who?

Oh, the gir...
The little one, your girl.

My... my girl?

La Hawla wala quwatta.

The... the... the girl,
the little one, your baby.

The...

- My...
- Your baby, Ramy.

Your baby, your daughter, Ramy.

Zainab's come by with her
a few times.

Ma shall ah,
she's got your smile.

Look-it, I keep looking at this.

This photo, man,
she looks just like you.

Look at this.
Adorable, look-it.

She even has your hair, huh?
Look at that.

Ah, I don't want
to bore you with this.

I know you must have that photo.

You probably
look at that all the time.

We're allowed to have
five photos in here.

I got this one.

I got this one
of my mom right here.

See that?
Look-it, that's my mom.

And then I got this meme,
Sheikh James Harden.

This really
makes me laugh, akhi.

Halal comedy.

Only engage in halal comedy.

Yeah, halal comedy.

Visiting hours are over.

Please return to your cells.

Till the next time, in shall ah.

Salaam alaikum, brother.