01x04 - First Name Ashley/To Finster with Love

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

Wha!

Oof!

Ah!

[fizzing]

[Burp]

February th.

Undercover observations
for Miss Finster, tape .

So what do you think, Sam,
should we dig in tunnel -A,

or maybe take a nice burrow down -C?

I don't know, Dave. Last time, we--

Ixnay. Andall-ray.

[groans]

So then, like, Hillary goes, "Really?"
And then, like, I go, "As if,"

and she's all, "Totally not even."

-Uh... Ashley A...
-Ew. It's Randall.

Get out of here, you little snitch.

[together] Loser.

[snarls]

So I says to Joey,
"That's Mr. Girlie to you,"

and then let him have it! Pow!

[laughter]

-Ah!
-Hey, look what I found.

A spy, and he's wired for sound.

Hey!

-Ah!
-Scram, you little monkey booger.

[pager beeps]

[gulps]

What have you got for me today, Randall?

Well, uh...
Hector Geckell made himself throw up

to get out of the spelling quiz.

And, uh, I saw Shirley Benson spit
on Principal Prickly's car.

That's it?

I expected more from you, Randall.

Perhaps you've lost your touch.

No, Miss Finster, it's just that--

I like you, Randall, but I can't afford
any dead weight in my organization.

Maybe we should talk
about your retirement.

No! Not that! Please, Miss Finster,
give me one more chance.

Young Douglas over there shows potential.

I can do better. I know I can.

Give me another chance
and I'll dig up some real dirt.

Well, if it means that much to you,

I'll give you one more chance,

But this time
you'd better not let me down.

[gulps]

[blows]

Let's see.
Peewee Roitano has webbed toes,

Kenny Sapperstein is a bed wetter.

Spinelli? No, it can't be!

This is way too good for Finster.

Why, with dirt like this,
I could... dare I say it?

Rule the playground!

[laughter]

Hey, no cuts, worm breath.

[Spinelli] What, do you got crayons
in your ears?

Get to the end of the line
before I show you the end of my fist.

I wouldn't do that
if I were you, Spinelli.

We wouldn't want everyone knowing
your little secret, would we?

Get out of here, you little--

I know your name,
Spinelli, your first name.

[chuckles] Sorry I messed up
your shirt there, Randall.

Did I say it was a nice shirt?

Nice try, Spinelli,
but it's not gonna work.

Come on, Randall, old buddy, old pal.

You don't have tell anybody.

Why shouldn't I?
You've never done anything for me.

I'll do whatever you want.

Just, please don't tell anyone
my name, please.

Well, if it means that much to you,

there is a thing or two you could do.

Anything. Name it.

My homework every night
for the rest of the year.

-Agreed.
-Also, from now on you must refer to me

as his supreme
most honorable Lord Randall.

What?

OK. Done.

Which brings us to items three through .

?

[grunting]

[yelling]

I'll get you for this, Ashley Spinelli!

-[gasps]
-[girl] Spinelli an Ashley?

I don't believe it!

[Spinelli] Don't listen to him.
He's lying.

Oh, yeah? Well, explain this.

[crowd gasps]

[laughing]

No!

[Spinelli] Ashley, Ashley, Ashley!

Why did my name have to be Ashley?

Oh, It's not that bad.

I mean, would not a Spinelli
by any other name

punch as hard?

Mikey's right. After all,
it's just a name.

Ashley isn't just a name. It's a curse.

Well, perhaps, if you hate it so much,
you should have it changed.

I can't do that.

I was named after my great-aunt Ashley,

the first woman to win the Iditarod.

I never met her, but she's a family hero.

Besides, it's not that I hate
the name Ashley,

It's just that... well, for as long
as I can remember,

every other girl named Ashley
is always been... one of them.

Snotty, prissy, and a member
of their stupid, snotty, prissy, club.

-So?
-So?

Now that everybody knows my name,

I'm gonna have to join their stupid club

And wear makeup
and play dollies and drink...

[shudders] tea.

[laughter]

What's so funny?

Oh, nothing.

It's just... the Ashleys wouldn't let you

join their club
if you paid them a million bucks.

Yeah, the Ashleys hate your guts.

Aw, guys,

that's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

Yeah! What am I so worried about?

They can't do anything to me, right?

This is, like, a major tragedy.

That creature an Ashley? How could it be?

I mean, just look at her hair.
She doesn't even mousse.

All these years of primping
and blow-drying

the Ashley name to perfection,
and now this? It's a disgrace.

Girls, we have to do something.

Like what, Ashley A.?

I'm afraid our only choice
Is to make Spinelli into one of us.

[together] Ew!

What choice do we have, Ashleys?

I mean, if we let her go around
being her crude, disgusting Spinelli self,

the name Ashley will be ruined forever.

No longer will it stand
for beauty and specialness.

Soon other girls
will be considered cooler than us,

and if we're not careful, by the time
we are in junior high our first dates

will be with guys named Paul or Joe!

Oh!

Ashleys, we have no choice.

We must make Spinelli into one of us.

It's, like, the only way.

What do you want?

I, Ashley A., invite you, Ashley S.,
to be our new sister.

[chuckles] Yeah, right.

Send in the clowns, powder puff.

Actually, Ashley S.,
you don't, like, have a choice.

Like, what?

According to the constitution

of the playground,
Rule five, Article three,

Under "Cliques", and I quote,

"Any kid named Ashley must become a member

of the Ashleys if invited
by another Ashley."

But, that can't be right.

I'm afraid it is, Spinelli.

It's an obscure, rarely used rule,
but it's here.

So I guess it's, like, official,
you're one of us.

[together] One of us. One of us.

No, you'll never take me alive!

Let me go! Let me go! Let me go!

Come on, Ashley S.
You'll just love our clubhouse.

-[Spinelli mumbles] No!
-Boy, talk about peer pressure.

This is your clubhouse?

[scoffs] As if.

This is our clubhouse.

It's remarkable what one can do
with a few accessories.

[gasps]

[regal music playing]

[Spinelli] Wow. This is amazing.
This is...

Hey, what's going on?
Why are you looking at me that way?

-Don't worry, Ashley S.
-It's a good thing.

Stop. No! No!

-[Spinelli] No, stop!
-[scissor sounds]

-[whizzing]
-Do something! They're torturing her!

Kids of the playground,

we present to you Ashley S.!

[children gasp and murmur]

[Randall laughs] Spinelli in a dress?

Oh-ho-ho, this is rich.
This is really rich.

Why, you little...

Let me at him! Let me at him!

I think we, like,
have a little more work to do.

No! No!

[unicorn neighs]

[squeaking]

[bells dinging]

Man, those Ashleys are inhuman.

Worse. They're debs.

We gotta do something, you guys.
We just gotta.

I don't know, Teej.

I've been studying the constitution
from top to bottom,

and the only way
a kid can get out of a clique

is if all the other kids
of the clique vote them out unanimously.

I guess if your name's Ashley,
you're one of them no matter what.

Wait. That's it.

Spinelli's not willing
to change her name, right?

Yeah.

Well...

[whispering]

I got just the thing...

library cards,
social security cards, whatever you want.

[inaudible]

[yelling]

[slurping]

[gasps]

[slurps] Ashley S.,
I asked for a diet cola.

This is not diet.

I can't take it anymore!

I can't take it! You hear me?

I am not an Ashley.

I never wanted to be an Ashley.

I'm no good at this stuff.

Please. Please let me go. I beg of you.

Don't worry, about it, Ashley S.,
why, before you know it,

you'll be blow-drying
and moussing just like the rest of us.

[crying]

I love it when she's like this.

[Gretchen] Pardon me.
I'm here for the meeting.

[scoffs] Hello. It's Ashleys only.

Like, duh.

Exactly. That's why I'm here.

Ashley Grundler?
But your name's not Ashley.

It is now. See?

I've got my Social Security card,
my school ID.

What? But it can't be!

Don't worry, Ashley Q.,
she still needs to be invited to join.

And which one of us Ashleys
is gonna do that?

Well, perhaps Ashley S. Would be so kind.

No, listen, Gretchen. You don't want...

Yeah, sure, no problem.

[clearing throat]

I, Ashley S., invite you, Ashley G.,
to be our new sister.

Thanks, Spinel-- I mean, Ashley S.

-But... but...
-Whoa, spiffy digs!

What are you doing here?

-Ashley Detweiler? You're an Ashley?
-That's right.

[Vince] Don't forget about us.
Our names are all Ashley, too.

-It's official!
-But...

But you're not even girls!

Hey, it's the ' s.

I, Ashley S., invite you,
Ashley, Ashley, Ashley, and Ashley

Into our club.

[together] Yay!

Oops, I almost forgot.

[whistles]

Don't tell me you're all--

[together] Ashleys!

Yay!

I invite you and you and you and you

And you and you and you.

-They're destroying our clubhouse.
-What are we gonna do?

I know. We'll kick them out.

Sorry, but it takes a unanimous vote.

-And we kind of like it here.
-But... But...

Of course there is one way
you can get us to leave.

Anything. Name it.

You let her out, and we'll go, too.

[sighs] I hate it when I don't get my way.

Oof.

[screams]

Welcome back, Spinelli.

Thanks. I thought I was a goner,
but I should have known.

As long as a kid's got friends
like you, guys,

it doesn't matter what your name is.

[Randall laughs]

Hey, Ashley S.,

where's your dolly?

[laughs]

-[gulps]
-I'll give you to the count of ten.

One... two...

Ah!

Ten! Come back here, you little worm!

There's a lot of Ashleys out there,

but there's only one Spinelli.

In this corner,
weighing in at pounds soaking wet,

the rolling wonder, the sultan of spin,

trash can champion T.J. Detweiler!

[kids cheering]

And in this corner, the challenger,

tipping the scales
at pounds in his socks,

the big kahuna, the lovable lummox,

our own Mr. Mikey!

[cheering]

But I don't wanna do it, you guys.
I'm scared.

Don't worry, Mikey. Based on every law
of physics, this is perfectly safe.

But that can't be true.

It isn't, I was attempting to comfort you.

I'm giving -to- odds on Mikey.

Think of it, for a mere dime,

you could be jingling milk money
the rest of the year.

I'm in, man.

On your marks, get set...

-But--
-Go!

[cheering]

[laughter]

[screams]

Hey.

Well, well, T.J. Detweiler.

What a surprise.

-[chuckles]
-[Mikey screams]

[gasps]

That's it, pal!
You just bought yourself a one-way ticket

to Principal Prickly's office.

[grunting]

He's stuck tight.

[Finster] You little troublemakers.

If Hank the custodian
saw this, he'd say...

[Hank] Trash receptacles
are made for trash,

not for little boys to ride in.

Stand back, kids.
I'll just lube him up good

And slip him out easy as pie.

[whistling]

[T.J] Ow! Miss Finster, you're hurting me.

Oh, uh, excuse me, T.J. dear.

I didn't realize you were still here.

Well, that's that.

-[pager beeps]
-[gasps]

Uh-oh. Looks like I got a jell-o incident
in Sector Five.

Guess I'd better get going.

Ah. Someday, boy,

you might grow up to be like Hank.

A fine figure of a man.

Huh?

Don't contradict me, mister!

Just keep your old carcass
out of those barrels!

-[Randall] Are you OK, Miss Finster?
-Shut up, you little wart!

You, there! No sharing.
Eat that broccoli!

And you, who told you
to put ketchup on those...

fish sticks?

I'm telling you guys,
there's something weird

going on between Finster and Hank.

What are you talking about, Teej?

Every time he comes around,
she suddenly turns nice.

-It's just not normal.
-Maybe it's a grown-up thing.

Being nice to each other and mean to us.
You know, professional courtesy.

No, I think it's something else.
It's... It's...

-[Mikey] Love.
-[everyone] What?

Miss Finster has a crush on Hank,

she's always had a crush on Hank,
ever since that day he fixed her drawers.

How do you come up with this stuff?

Isn't it obvious?
They're like Romeo and Juliet,

Troilus and Cressida,

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver.

That's crazy.

No, I think Mikey's right.
And I'm gonna find out for sure.

-Miss Finster?
-Yes, my child?

That is perhaps the ugliest dress
I've ever seen you wear,

and you've worn some pretty rank ones.

Why, thank you, dear.

Oh, and your perfume...

[sniffs] what is it, eau de locker room?

You smell like my gym socks.

Thank you for noticing, T.J.
It's so nice to be noticed.

Ahh...

[T.J.] Yep, she's a goner.

Well, at least now we know

why she's so super nice
whenever Hank's around.

Yeah, too bad he's not around
all the time.

Hey, guys!
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I don't know, I was thinking
about getting more French fries.

Listen, if we could get Miss Finster
and Hank together,

she would be nice all the time.

Yeah. No more detention.

No more ear yanks.

No more nothing.
We could get away with anything we wanted.

[all] Yeah!

[indistinct conversation]

I don't know, you guys.

We're talking
about people's feelings here.

We're messing with fate.

Technically, Mikey is right.

By influencing the orbit
of these two spheres of love,

we could potentially change
the course of history.

Oh, come on, you guys.
We'll be making Miss Finster happy,

Hank happy, and ourselves happy.
There's no downside.

The spark is there, man.

All we got to do is fan the flames.

The librarian said
this was the most romantic music they had.

What are those?

They're called records or albums,

depending
on your generational affiliation.

You play it on this.

OK. We've got the old music
and the old music player.

Now what we have to do
is get the old people.

F. F. F.

Hmm. Randall, my trusted spy,

the only kid around here I can count on.

Ah, he's done so much for me.

Hmm.

D-minus. F.

Go. Go.

Yeah? What do you want?

-Uh... Uh...
-Spit it out!

There's some kids running
in the cafeteria.

-What?
-With scissors!

[groans] Hooligans!

[Vince] Hank! Hank!
There's a big emergency in the lunchroom!

One of the milk dispensers blew.

Good, sweet Mike, I told them
not to install those newfangled X- s.

They've never been cafeteria-tested!

[Finster] Those little monsters,
when I get my hands on them...

Hey! What's going on here?

[Hank] It's not natural
to store so much milk.

Hey! Hey!

[grunts] Little brats!

Why, when I get out of here, I'll...

Dang! What's wrong with this door?

-Hank?
-Miss Finster?

What are you doing here?

Uh... well,
there was some sort of problem,

but... now I really don't remember
what it was.

[giggles]

[tango music playing]

Do you hear music?

Whenever I look at you.

You are some kind of woman, Miss Finster.

Please, call me Muriel.

[crashing]

[machine blowing]

[giggles]

[laughter]

[creaking]

Oh, Hank, I've never been so happy.

Man, isn't this great?

With Miss Finster gone, we're free.

[laughter]

Hey, we're rolling here.

Not anymore.
This is our football field from now on.

You got a problem with that?

Yeah, I got a problem with that.

Well, what are you gonna do,
cry to Finster?

[laughter]

Forget it, Spinelli.
Let's find something else to do.

[engines roaring]

-Back it up.
-[back-up beeper]

Back it up.

Oof! Oof!

Tell us the meaning
of life now, diaper boy.

Whoa!

This is getting out of control.

We gotta go see the king.

[yelling]

What the...

Where's King Bob?

Big coup. King Bob yesterday's news.

Kindergartners number one now.

[Randall] Help! Help! Help!

I don't know about you guys,

but I'm sure missing Finster
right about now.

A. A. A.

Ah, Randall, my trusted spy.

A-plus.

-A. A. A.
-She looks so happy, doesn't she?

Yeah. Come on, let's go destroy her life.

A. A.

[sighs] A.

[T.J. ]Uh, Miss Finster,
could we talk to you?

Why, certainly, T.J. dear.

What can I do for you
and your lovely friends?

She really creeps me out
when she talks like that.

Well, uh, I don't really know
how to put this, Miss Finster,

but we miss you.

What? I haven't gone anywhere.

Not this you, The old you.

-The way you pulled our ears...
-And screamed at us...

And disciplined us with extreme prejudice.

Oh, you kids
and your childlike exaggerations.

Walk with us, Miss Finster.

[Spinelli] Ever since you and Hank
got together, the whole place is a mess.

It's like a dark cloud
has blown over the monkey bars.

Oh, ho ho ho!

Dark clouds? Oh, why, that's nonsense.

It's a beautiful day.

The sun is shining, the birds are singing,

and the school...

-[children yelling]
-[expl*si*n]

Has gone to pot!

[Miss Finster screams]

Hank, I need to talk to you.

I know, Muriel,
there's something I want to say, too.

-I don't know how to put this but--
-Me either, but...

[both] It's over.

[gasps] You think so too?

We don't have any choice, Muriel.

You and I aren't like other people.

We have a calling,
and that calling is this.

Dirt? Dirt is our calling?

No, not dirt. The playground, Muriel,

the school, the halls,
the grass, the windows,

the flagpole.

And the kids,
they're your calling, Muriel.

I know, without my gentle guidance,
they're lost.

They need me, Hank.

And the school needs me, Muriel.

The other day I walked
into the boys' bathroom,

-and do you know what I found?
-What?

Nothing, that's what.
No paper towels in the dispensers,

no toilet paper in the stalls,

no sani-covers on the seats.

And whose fault was that?
Mine, Muriel. Mine.

[Finster] Oh, you're right, Hank.

If we don't end this now, we'll regret it.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,
but soon and for the rest of our lives.

Will I ever see you again, Hank?

Of course you will, Muriel.

Wherever there's a hall
that needs a mopping,

I'll be there.

Wherever there's a urinal mint
that needs replacing,

I'll be there.

Wherever a kid has broken a window
or barfed on the floor,

I'll be there.
All you got to do is beep me.

You know how to beep me, don't you?

Just push the phone buttons and hit pound.

Goodbye, Hank. I'll miss you.

And I you, Muriel, and I you.

[nostalgic music playing]

O', cruel fates, must you play so hard
on these hearts of flesh?

[T.J.] Miss Finster, I found this.

He used to dust the radiator with it.

Thank you, T.J.

Oh, and Miss Finster?

Yes, T.J.?

Are those really your shoes,

or did you mug a clown
on your way to school?

Why, you little hooligan!

She's back!

[bell ringing]