01x08 - The Pest/The Legend of Big Kid

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

Whaa!

Aah!

Gulp! [burps]

[T.J.] "Life, liberty,
and the pursuit of happiness.

These were the ideals our founding fathers

vowed to defend during the revolution.

To protect freedom of the press..."

Ow.

[T.J.] "Freedom to be an individual..."

Quit it, Jeffrey.

Quit what?

You know what. Just quit it.

Gretchen, do we have
some peer interaction issues to address?

Uh, no, miss Grotke. Everything's fine.

Good. Then why don't you
read aloud to us for a while?

"And so, with these issues in mind,

the founding fathers convened
in Philadelphia in -- "

Ow!

-Gretchen.
-I'm OK.

Why don't you take
a moment to center yourself?

Mikey, would you please continue
where Gretchen left off?

Uh, Miss Grotke?

Yes, Mikey?

I can't find "ow" in the book.

[Gretchen] It's quite a conundrum.

I just don't know what to do.

Jeffrey has been kicking me

and pulling my hair and poking me
with the pencil all week long.

Maybe you should just try ignoring him.

I have, you guys, I really have,

but he just keeps doing it
over and over.

[sighs]

I gotta figure out someway
of stopping him, pretty soon,

his immature att*cks
are going to start affecting

my academic performance.

Her what?

She's going to start doing bad in school.

Oh!

Look, don't worry about it Gretch.

As long as we're here,
he wouldn't dare bug you.

-You sure?
-Positive.

Ow.

Let's cream the little weasel!

[whistling]

Hey, what's the big idea?

Drop the innocent act, pally.

Where on to your game!

Yeah, why are you picking on Gretchen?

Who? Me? I'm not doing nothing.

Then how'd she get hit with the kickball?

How would I know?

I was just innocently reading
my social studies book.

Do you always read upside down, Jeffrey?

Uh, I like to challenge myself?

You're lying and you know it.

All week long, you've been bugging me,

and I want to know why. Why?

-Well.
-Is it my face?

My hair? Is it 'cause I'm smart?

Yes, yes, it's all of those things!
I like you, OK?

-What?
-I like you.

There. I said it and I'm glad.

I like you, and I don't care who knows.

Keep your voice down, will ya?

No, I won't. I'll shout it to the heavens!

I'm in love
with a girl named Gretchen Grundler,

And I'm not gonna rest
until I win her heart!

Heh heh. You didn't really mean that,
did you, Jeffrey?

What part of "love" don't you understand?

I love you.

♪ Gretchen and Jeffrey sitting in a tree ♪

♪ K-I-S-S-I-N-G ♪

My life is ruined.

Gretchen, where you've been all morning?
You missed class.

I can't go back, not while he's in there.

You're gonna have to face him sometime.

Not if I keep a sharp lookout.

[Jeffrey] Hello, Gretchen.

That seat's saved.

But I brought you chocolate pudding.

Where you get that?

They're not serving
chocolate pudding today.

I heard it was your favorite dessert,

so I got up two hours early this morning
to cook it for ya.

That creamy texture only comes

from minutes of continuous stirring.
You know.

Look, I don't want your chocolate pudding,

and I don't want you sitting here,
so please just go.

Very well, my love.

I leave you with an empty stomach

and me with an empty heart.

Aw, it just makes me sick
to see love spurned.

You gonna eat that?

Well, he's gone.

But what if he comes back?

Ey, you told them off.

It may have been hard on him,
but you did the right thing.

I'm sure he'll get the message
and leave you alone.

Safe! She's safe.

Oh, my coccyx.

what do you think you're doing?
Who told you to interfere?

It's merely an act of chivalry.

There's no need to thank me,
sweet flower of my desire.

Don't worry I won't.
Must you talk like that?

I'm winning you over, aren't I?
Admit it.

You're charmed.

Oh! Love hurts.

He's definitely not getting the message.

He thinks the more I ignore him,
the more I like him.

It's nothing but a twisted downward spiral
that can only lead to tragedy.

Why don't you challenge him to a duel?

Yeah, have his seconds meet your seconds.

Nah, I've got a better idea.

And all we need is a megaphone
and a high place.

OK, let her rip.

OK.

Fellow students,
may I have your attention, please?

For all those who care,
I don't like Jeffrey.

He's the one who likes me.

It's not my fault.

♪ Gretchen and Jeffrey sitting in a tree ♪

♪ K-I-S-S-I-N-G ♪

If anyone needs me,
I'll be in the janitor's closet...

till eighth grade.

He's up to something.
I just know it.

Not necessarily.

This is for you.

See? Tell him mail refused.
Return to sender.

Well, well, miss Grundler.
What have we here,

a once model student carrying on
a torrid puppy love romance

right under my nose?

How the mighty have fallen.

But, miss Finster, I wasn't--

I didn't just fall off
a cabbage truck, missy.

We all know it takes two to tango.

I'm going to have to confiscate that note.

Hmm. Perhaps a little sharing is in order.

You wouldn't.

[clears throat]

"Dear Gretchen,

your eyes are like two pools of root beer,

your nose is like a cherry tomato,

and your lips are like pink bubble gum."

Not bad, eh?

Huh, at least I'm safe in here.

This is one place he can't get to me.

[Jeffrey] Gretchen.
I know you're in there.

Jeffrey, what are you doing in here?

I'm not in there, my sweet.

I'm in the boys' bathroom
just on the other side of the wall.

Now you don't have to feel alone anymore,

Even in the girls' room,
my delicate little lovebird.

Gretchen has a boyfriend.
Gretchen has a boyfriend.

I do not have a boyfriend.

Gretchen has a boyfriend.
Gretchen has a boyfriend.

[Gretchen] I do not have a boyfriend!

Am I to be tortured everywhere I go?

Hey, Gretchen, where's loverboy?

Hey, Gretchen, how's mr. Grundler?

Hey, Gretchen, what's it like?

Don't even think about it, Jeffrey.

Quit touching my hair.

Sorry. It's just so red and shiny.
I couldn't resist.

And your creme rinse smells terrific.

That's it. I'm ignoring you.

I'm taking a vow of silence
against speaking to you starting now.

So, Gretch. Wanna be my partner
on the next field trip?

You don't have to answer.

I'll take your silence as a yes.

OK, I'm breaking my vow of silence

to tell you one last thing,
so listen good.

We are not a couple.

You understand?

We're not gonna be field trip buddies,
we're not sitting together at lunch,

and we're not sharing
a cubby in art class.

Do I make myself clear?

-Perfectly clear.
-Good.

It's clear now that you like me for sure.

What? But I told you I didn't.

Yes, but denial
is the sincerest form of flattery.

No, it's not.

Imitation is the sincerest
form of flattery.

You're so smart, too.

I am never gonna leave your side.

I'm gonna be with you
forever and ever and ever.

No, no, not forever and ever.

[echoes]

Gretchen, do you take Jeffrey
as your lawfully wedded husband

to have and to hold,
to honor and to cherish,

for better or for worse,
till death do you part?

Death? No, wait. I do.

No! I meant I don't! I don't!

Too late. You're married. That'll be $ .

[cheering]

Now just think, Gretchen,

We'll have the rest
of our lives together...

, , maybe years,

every day together endlessly
forever and ever and ever.

Congratulations. It's a boy.

But, but--

Forever and ever, Mommy.

What a great life, eh, Gretchen girl?

years and counting.

Yeah, yeah, it's a great life.

Must escape. Must escape.

Oh, sweetums, give us a kiss, pookie.

Oh. Oh.

It was just a dream.

That's it. Tomorrow morning I'm putting
an end to this once and for all.

Anybody seen Gretchen?

Maybe she took the bus.

Jeffrey!

I'm calling you out.

Uh, what do you mean, Gretchen, my dear?

All this time you've been poking me

and bugging me and making
a spectacle of yourself.

Now it's payback time.

You say you wanna be together forever?

Well, here you go.

It's you and me now together forever,

side by side for all eternity.

Come on, first there's math club,
then spelling bee practice.

I was thinking of staying in
for lunch today and do my frog dissection.

No, no. Please let me go.

I'm too young to give up lunch.

Please, let me go!

Geez, what a baby. Here.

Here.

For future reference,
they always come with a spare.

[T.J.] OK, g*ng, let's go.

Sorry, I had to be so rough on you
but I was just trying to make a point.

You sure did that.

When you put that handcuff on my arm,
my whole life passed before my eyes...

Nine years, just like that.

I guess I'm just not ready
for a full-time commitment.

That's what I've been trying to tell you
for the past two weeks.

I'm sorry, Gretchen. I was just trying
to show ya how much I liked ya.

Well, that was the wrong way to do it.

You're telling me.
I'll never do that again.

You know, now that you've stopped
acting like a jerky boy,

You don't seem so bad anymore.

Fact, I could see spending
a little time with you.

Uh, that's nice, Gretchen,

but now that you've stopped
acting like a weird girl

and started acting more like a friend,

I just don't think
I like you that way anymore.

I see you around, OK?

You know, Spinelli, boys are really weird.

[sighs] I know what you mean...
can't live with them,

can't grind them into chalk dust.

Well, actually, you could.

So i have this experiment at home.

What you do
is you start with a graduated beaker

and a nitrous carbon compound...

I'm telling you, Kirby Puckett is
the greatest outfielder that ever lived.

What? You gotta be kidding.

Any of these guys is twice
as good as Kirby Puckett.

I mean, he's short, he's tubby.

He's got a lifetime average of . .

What about Babe Ruth,
Reggie Jackson,Willie Mays?

None of them hold a candle
to Kirby Puckett.

What? You wouldn't know talent--
Hey, wait a second.

Don't change the subject.

No, Teej, look.

Huh? What?

[Vince] The old playground.

I've heard about this place,
but I thought it was a myth.

They say it hasn't
been used since the 's.

We shouldn't be here, man.
It gives me the creeps.

Yeah, let's-- Aah!

-What the--
-Help! Get me down from here!

[children screaming]

Oh, no! Kindergartners!

But where are they coming from?

Get out of here, man!

-But, T.--
-Go! Save yourself!

Ouch! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ouch!

T.J.!

[children screaming]

Aah!

[gasping]

Ooh!

Vince, you OK?

T.J. Captured...

Gotta help.

You'll be OK, man. You'll be OK.

See, we came to this clearing,

and that's where we--

He's gone!

Poor T.J.

His baseball card...

Why did I leave him?

I should have stayed,
I should have done something.

Hey, you did what any kid would have done.

Yeah, ran for your life
and left your friend hanging there.

Look, they've probably taken him
back to their pen.

We don't have much time. Let's go.

[gate creaks]

[Gus] The place is deserted.
They could be anywhere.

They've probably migrated
to their winter encampment.

But what have they done with T.J.?

Maybe they let him go.

Maybe he fought his way out.

I'm afraid there's a possibility
of a far less pleasant scenario.

We gotta find him, you guys.

Wherever we have to go.
However long it takes, we got to find him.

We're with you, Vince. Let's go.

You know, I understand
they use every part of the tricycle.

[T.J.] The unthinkable has happened.

I am a prisoner of the kindergartners.

Time passes slowly here.

Why they've taken me,

what they're going to do with me...
who knows?

Ooga-oogee!

Gelach-ganas-gaz.

Even they can't seem to agree.

The one in the paper hat
seems to be their leader.

I call him Captain Sticky.

For obvious reasons.

Big kid.

No, me T.J.

-Big kid!
-But--

-Big kid!
-OK! I'm big kid. Whatever you say.

You food.

Me, food? No, no, no, not me.
Don't taste good.

Me taste bad. Yucky poo-poo.

Food!

Oh, you want to give me food.

[children] You eat! You eat!

No, that's OK. I'm not hungry.

[growls]

Maybe later?

[growls]

I'm safe for now,

but I can't help wondering.

Are they giving me this food
out of some twisted kindness,

or are they just trying to fatten me up?

[gulp]

Chocolate.

Then they were here.

Yeah, but it's dry. The trail's cold.

They could be anywhere by now.

We're not giving up.

No one said anything about giving up.

Actually, I may have said something.

We're not!

We're gonna find T.J. or die trying.

I've lost all track of time now.

So far the savages have left me alone.

But I don't know how much longer
I can hold out.

They nabbed me before lunch.

Now, if I don't eat soon,
it won't matter what they do.

I've got one job now... staying alive.

[swallows]

Mmm. Nougat.

Can it be?

They're letting me go?

Well, thanks for everything.

I guess I'll be hitting the old road.

[grunting]

On second thought,
maybe I'll just hang out for a while.

Nice yardsticks.

[grunting]

Finger paints? Are you kidding?
That's for kinder--

[grunting]

OK, so who has got yellow?

Yech.

I-I didn't see nothing.

Come on, we know they were here.

What do you mean?
I don't know what you're talking about.

I-I...

OK, they were here!

It was terrible.

Me and the others
was just hanging out on the jungle gym,

and suddenly, they was all around us.

We was lucky to get out alive.

Was there a fourth grader with them?

I don't know.

I said,
was there a fourth grader with them?

I didn't see! I just ran, OK?

I just ran.

[kid sobbing]

Let him go, Vince. He didn't see anything.

But I'll tell you one thing.

If there was a fourth grader with them,

I wouldn't hold out much hope.

[T.J.] I don't know what's going on.

A part of me knows that
what's happening is terrible,

and yet I... I... I'm having fun.

[children grunting]

[grunts]

[grunting]

Nap time.

Nap!

No, thanks. I'm too old for naps.

Nap!

[grunts]

Hey, this feels pretty nice.

Nap good.

Yeah, yeah, nap good. Ha ha.

[snoring]

[laughing]

[music plays and stops]

No!

[laughing]

[gasp]

[snoring]

We've looked everywhere, Vince.

Face it. We're not going to find him.

If the kindergartners still have him,
we may not want to.

Come on, we can't give up.

This is T.J. we're talking about.

Guys, guys. Look what I found.

-What's that?
-A half-eaten lollipop and it's still wet.

-That means...
-Right! They can't be far now.

I knew it! Let's go.

-Wait!
-What is it?

Can I have the rest of the lollipop?

There it is. Let's go.

They're gone!

We must have just missed them.

We were so close, so close!

Hey, look, a winger-dinger.

[All] Whoa!

[screaming]

Well, at least we found them.

[screaming and grunting]

[Vince] What are they going to do to us?

Who knows?
Probably the same thing they did to T.J.

Oh, heartless fiends!

Oh, man, it's T.J.

What have they done to him?

T.J., is it really you?

T.J. Gone. I big kid now.

He's become one of them.

T.J., listen to me.
You're not one of them, you're one of us.

No! I am kindergartner!
I am kindergartner!

No, you're not a kindergartner.

You're T.J., and I'm Vince.

Vi-ince.

That's right T.J., and this is Spinelli

and Mikey and Gretchen and Gus.

We're your friends. You're one of us.

No!

Yes, T.J. you're a fourth grader.

You don't like finger painting and naps.

You like kickball
and foursquare and little league.

Little league...

and baseball T.J., you love baseball.
Look!

Kir-by Pu-ckett.

Yes, T.J., yes!

It'll be OK, man. It'll be OK.

[Spinelli] Here, let me tie them for you.

Shoes, underpants...

I can't get used to all this stuff.

Hey, man. It takes time.
I mean, you were out there for hours.

Don't worry.
Soon you'll be back to normal.

Whatever happened out there,
you can put it all behind you.

Yes, your terrifying ordeal is over.

No, you guys, you don't understand.

I... I liked it.

You liked it?

Imagine it, guys.
When you're a kindergartner,

you eat whatever you want,
drink whatever you want,

go wherever you wanna go.
There's no rules.

When you paint, you don't use a brush.

You just stick your hands right
in the paint and feel the color,

and you take naps, guys,
right in the middle of the day.

Do you have any idea
how refreshing that is?

But, T.J., it's so primitive.

Primitive? Maybe so, but I was free,
you guys... free.

In fact, there's a part of me
that wishes I could go back.

But T.J., you can't go back.

He's right. Even they can't go back.

What do you mean, Gretchen?

Don't you see?

Their way of life is coming to an end.

By this time next year,
they'll be first graders.