02x12 - Steely Phil/Quantity Time

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.

Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

So? How did you learn so much
about flying kites, Grandpa?

Well, when you get
as old as I am, Arnold

you'd eventually learn
to do everything.

Now, how the heck
do we get home?

I'm lost and confused.
We can go this way, Grandpa.

(GASPS)

No, Arnold,
I can't go that way.

Come on, it's a shortcut.

No, no, I can't.

Why not?

I can't tell you,
it's too haunting.

Oh, come on.

Walk faster, Shortman.
Come on, faster, faster.

Grandpa, what's going on?
It's just a shortcut.

(GASPS)

MAN: Is that Steely Phil?

(GASPS)
It must be...

What is this place, Grandpa?
Who are all these people?

(STAMMERING)
Chinese Checkers.

ALL: Steely Phil.

Are they talking
about you, Grandpa?

No, I don't
know any of these people.

They're confusing me
with someone else.

Now, let's go!

(LAUGHING)

Next victim.

(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

Robby Fisher.

Well, as I live and breathe
if it isn't Steely Phil.

I thought you
had passed on years ago.

In your face, Fisher.
I'm alive and kickin'.

Well, I can see
you appear to be alive
but kickin'...

(SMIRKING)

You're not actually thinkin'
of entering the tournament
this Saturday?

I'm retired, Fisher.

(LAUGHING)
Yes. Yes, I remember now,
Steely Phil.

I dispatched you
many, many years ago.

But, ah, well...

One can't live
in the past, can one?

Good day, Steely Phil.

(LAUGHING)
Yes. Yes.

I hate the way that guy talks.

Steely Phil?
Was that your nickname
or something?

Yes, a long time ago.

Are you comfortable, Arnold?

'Cause I feel a long flashback
coming on.

It was almost 40 years ago...

That time there were
three great
Chinese Checkers players

on the circuit.

Robby Fisher.

Boris Slasky.

And a kid by the name
of Steely Phil.

I had practiced
and studied the game
for 30 years.

Playin' on sidewalks,

and in back alleys.

Slowly honing my skills.

Finally, I was ready
for the big boys.

The City Chinese Checkers
Masters Tournament.

All the Chinese Checkers
masters were there.

Nimble Ned.

Bodacious Bob.

Boris Slasky.

And Robby Fisher.

I b*at everyone
they threw at me.

I couldn't lose.

Finally, it's down
to two contestants.

Me and Robby Fisher.

Started slow.

Feeling each other out.

I jumped one of his marbles
but he jumped one of mine.

The battle raged on
for hours.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Finally, one move separated
us from the championship,

it was then I realized
I couldn't win.

He boxed me into a corner.

I made the only move
I could see.

He jumped me back
and won the City Championship.

(ALL CHEERING)

You lost, Grandpa?

Yes, Arnold, I lost.

My confidence was broken,
my dream was dashed.

The next day
I officially retired
from Chinese Checkers.

But that defeat
haunted me for 40 years.

I replayed the game
over and over in my head

trying to see
what I did wrong.

Did you ever figure it out?

Yes, I did.

Turned out I had another move,
only I didn't see it.

I was too worried
about winning.

If I had moved
my last marble back
instead of forward

I would have
stalemated Fisher
and it would have been a tie.

You and Fisher both
would have been the champions.

That's right.

Only I didn't see that move.

But now it has been 40 years,

and because it's been
eating me up inside
all this time

there's only one thing to do

so I can finally
get my revenge
on Robby Fisher.

Come on, Arnold.

Are you gonna enter
the tournament, Grandpa?

Nope. I'm gonna enter you
in the tournament on Saturday.

You'll defeat
that arrogant rat
and reclaim the family honor.

What? Me?

Grandpa, Robby Fisher's
the City Champion.

I can't b*at him.

It would take a pro, somebody
with years of experience.

Somebody like you.

Oh, I can't compete
with Fisher,
I'm out of practice,

plus I'm old and I'm fat.

Grandpa, you are not fat.

Well, that's true,
but I'm old
and out of practice.

Chinese Checkers
is a game of marbles

and I already
lost most of mine.

Look, you said it yourself,

we've got a week left
to practice before
the tournament.

It was your dream to be
a Chinese Checkers Champion.

It was my dream, Arnold.

A long time ago.

I could help
you train, Grandpa.

We could work
really, really hard every day.

You can b*at him,
I know you can.

I don't know, Shortman.

What if I lose?
I'll be humiliated again.

What if you win?

MAN: Name?

It's your dream, Grandpa.

You should never give up
on your dreams.

Name?

MAN: Name?

Steely Phil.

(PHIL GRUNTING)
Don't worry, Grandpa,

when we are done
you're gonna be in
championship form

and you're gonna b*at
Robby Fisher.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)
(PANTING)

(PANTING)

(SIZZLING)

(BONES CRACKING)

(BELL DINGING)

(CLOCK CHIMING)

(SIGHS)

Hey, Arnold, wake up. Come on.

Grandpa, what is it?
It's three o'clock
in the morning.

I can't do it, Shortman.
I can't b*at him.

Sure you can.
We've been training all week.

You're ready, Grandpa.

No, I'm not.
I'm just not good enough,
that's all.

I couldn't b*at him
40 years ago
I can't b*at him now.

Don't say that, Grandpa.

Sometimes I can't believe
the moves you make.

I know, it is uncanny.

But as good as I am
Robby Fisher
is ten times better.

Remember all the times
when I was in a contest
and you told me I could win?

Oh, sure. But I didn't really
believe you could win.

I just told you that stuff
on the off chance that
the other kids would blow it.

But you still
gave me confidence
and you believed in me.

That was really important
to me, Grandpa.

It was?
Yeah.

And now I have the chance
to do the same thing for you.

I believe in you
and I know you can do it.

You're not just saying that
on the off chance the other
guys would blow it, are you?

No, Grandpa,
I really believe in you.

So, what do you say?

All right, Shortman.
I'll do it.

I'll b*at Robby Fisher.

Besides, if I lose I can
always change my name
and leave the country.

Uh, right, Grandpa.

(CHUCKLES)
That's right.

Wish me luck, Shortman.

You won't need it, Grandpa.

(CLOCK TICKING)

Let the tournament begin.

Next victim.

(APPLAUSE)

(APPLAUSE)

Next victim.

Next victim.

(APPLAUSE)

You're doing great, Grandpa.

(BELL DINGING)

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have arrived
at the final round
of the Masters Tournament.

The winner of this round
will be the All-City Champion.

Last year's champion
Robby Fisher,

the challenger Steely Phil.

(CROWD MURMURING)

Well, what a delicious
surprise. If it isn't
my old nemesis Steely Phil.

Dealing you another
humiliating defeat

will make my victory
in this tournament
all the sweeter.

In your face, Fisher.

I'm gonna kick your patoot.

Careful, Steely Phil.

I do believe
your false bravado is showing.

(LAUGHING)

(IMITATING FISHER)

Now, stop talking
and let's play Checkers.

(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD MURMURING)

Well, I must say, you haven't
completely embarrassed
yourself, Steely Phil.

Uh, the night is young,
Fisher.

(CROWD GASPS)

(CHUCKLES)
Well, isn't that just perfect?

You've fallen
into the same trap
I caught you in 40 years ago.

The same exact play.

No! It's not.
It's completely different.

It's... Oh, poo,
it's the same, isn't it?

(LAUGHING)

You realize of course,
Steely Phil, that you
can't possibly b*at me now.

There's only one move
on the board you can make.

Come come, Steely Phil,
make your losing move

so I can once again
take the trophy

and you can wallow in your
characteristic humiliation.

Well, you're right about
one thing, Fisher.

I can't b*at you.

But there is one
other move I can make.

What are you talking about?

Uh-huh.
It's a stalemate, Fisher.

Well, that's...
That's impossible.
No, how did you?

(LAUGHING)
I didn't see
that move last time.

But now I'm 40 years older
and 40 years smarter.

Plus I got
my grandson behind me.

So, I guess,
we both are champion now.

But I've never shared
a trophy with anyone.

This is an outrage.

Final match
is officially a tie.

The new champions are...
No, no, don't say it.

...Robby Fisher
and Steely Phil.

(CRYING)

(ALL APPLAUDING)

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)

You did it, Grandpa.

Well, thanks for believin'
in me, Shortman.

Sure thing, Steely Phil.

(STEELY CHUCKLES)

(BELL RINGING)

(SCREAMING)

What are you gonna do
on your week off
from school?

None of your beeswax,
Arnoldo.

But for your information

I'm gonna have
a truly perfect vacation

topped off by the
greatest event of the year.

ARNOLD:
"Slamjam V." Wrestling match?

Tickets have been
sold out for months.

But I'll be there.

Sounds great, Helga.

Now, move along,
you're crowding me.

(WHIMPERING)

(CHOMPING)

So, how was school today,
Helga?

Yeah, what's going
on over there
at that school of yours?

Well, as a matter of fact,
I flunked a math test today.

That's good, glad to hear it.

Pass the stuffing, would you?

At least I've got
next week off.

Uh.

(STAMMERING)
Whole week off?

Yes, spring break.

(BURPS)
I start my vacation
this week, Olga.

Helga.
I've been working like a dog.

Pass the stuffing.

Bob, you're taking off
this week too?

All week. I got plans.

I made a list, Miriam,
a list of things I need you
to do for me this week.

So, you'll both be home?

I'm gonna need you
to pick me up some
wide white belts,

and I need some
new socket wrenches...

I'm going to bed, Bob.
And the patch of grass

in the back
is looking pretty shabby.

So I think we should
dump some manure on it.

Pass the stuffing.

What do you mean,
you hate wrestling?

You and I are going, Phoebe.

We have got to get tickets
to Slamjam V.

But, Helga.
I don't care if you
have to wait in line all day.

Just call me when you get 'em.

(SIGHS)

A week's vacation

and wrestling on Saturday.

Nothing can go wrong.

I have an announcement.

I am going away
for the week...

To visit my mother.

Yes. She's not well.

BOTH: And you're gonna
take care of her?

Uh-huh.
But, Mom, no.

It'll be fine, dear.

How can you say that?
Miriam, you can't go.

I'm going, Bob,
there's my cab.
(HORN HONKS)

How can you do this to me?

I'll call you, sweetie.

What am I gonna do
with the girl all week?

Maybe you'll have a chance
to bond with Helga,
like you have with Olga.

Bond with Helga?

Spend some quality time
together, something like that.

I got to go. Buh-bye.

BOB: Quality time,
yeah, right.

Now, I'm stuck with the girl.

How in the heck am I
gonna survive this week?

HELGA: Now,
I'm stuck with Big Bob.

How in the heck
am I gonna survive this week?

Well, your mother's gone.

I'm going out.

Where you going?

When are you gonna be back?

Be careful crossing streets.

Huh. That was easy.

I can take a week
alone with her.

This is gonna be a snap.

You haven't spent
any of your vacation
with your father?

It's every Pataki
for themselves these days.

Hey, Olga. Hey, uh...
What's you name?

Phoebe. Nice to see you
again, Mr. Pataki.

Where's our milk
for crying out loud?

Who drank all the milk?

I had cereal
for dinner last night.
(GLASS BREAKING)

Ow!

Where the heck is
Big Bob Pataki's dinner, huh?

How am I supposed
to run a beeper empire?

Without any meat and potatoes
in my belly?

What are you
looking at me for?

Well, who's gonna
do the food shopping, Helga?

Not me, that's for sure.

Well, not me either,
little lady.

Hmm. So, none of this
stuff is cooked, huh?

Mom, always does that part.

Corn's always good.

I hate corn. I don't eat corn.

Corn and potatoes
and Lima beans.

Shoppin' is easy.

I don't eat any of that stuff.

Dad, what's the matter
with you?

Are you trying to k*ll me?

Pipe down.
You are out of control.

I'm allergic to strawberries.
They give me hives.

And I don't eat
any of this junk.

Pork rinds.

Smoked mackerel.

Pig's feet. Yuck!

How am I supposed to know
you don't eat pig's feet?

You don't know
anything about me, Dad.

You're a kid,
what's there to know?

This is really
not working out, Miriam.

When are you coming home?

Well, for one thing
Dad's already tried
to k*ll me with strawberries.

I mean, what kind
of a moron is he?

And not that it's any big deal

but I'm practically starving
to death in my own house.

Is that you Miriam?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Everything's
under control.

Nothing I can't handle.

The kid's just high-strung.

Oh, holy cow.

How many times
are you gonna say it?

We'll do that
quantity time thing tomorrow.

I'll spend the whole
lousy day with the kid.

Not if I have anything
to do with it, Bob.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

Come on, Pink Boy,
pitch it in here.

Hey, Helga, say goodbye
to your little friends
and hop in.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Come on, we gotta
spend the whole day together.

Some real quantity time
father-daughter stuff.

I got it all planned out.

Dad, I'm busy here. Go away!

Times a-wasting.
Let's get this over with.
(HONKING)

(GROWLING)

So, then the chump says
he wants a refund.

I tell him,
go to the refund department.

He says, where
is the refund department?

I point him
right out the door.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Sayonara, sucker.

MAN: (LAUGHING)
You're all right, Big Bob.

Uh, so who's the kid?

Oh, her?
That's my other daughter.

We are bonding. Spending
quantity time together.

Quantity time?
(LAUGHING) That's funny.

Yeah.

Uh, a little more
off the top okay, Nolo?

You've got
any more of these, Harry?

I'm gonna need like,
uh, half dozen.

You can never
have enough big white belts.

Remember that.

Thanks for sharing, Dad.

Hey, Harry,
you got any white shoes
to go with these

something with the tassels?

(GROANING)

Quantity time, just you and me
we are racking up the hours.

(GRUNTING)

I got my haircut.

Got the belts,
what's next on the list?

Socket wrenches.

Hardware store, here we come.

I'm not going
to the hardware store, Dad.

And I'm not doing
any more of your inane
errands with you.

You think that spending
"quantity time."
with some means

that you're doing stuff
that you wanna do.

Why don't you just pull over
here and drop me off?

Oh, and if anyone asks, we
bonded, and it was great.

Oh, put a lid on it, Helga.

I know what you need.
You need some fresh air.

That always calms you down.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

You want another go around?

Are you kidding?

I want off this flea-bitten
pony and out of here now.

Come on, you love this.
I loved it when I was five.

Well, how old are you now?
Seven? Eight?

Nine, Dad.

Nine? When the heck
did you turn nine?

Last year. Doi!

Dad, talk to the pony guy.
I'm serious, I want off, now!

You can't stop one pony.

Ruins the ride
for all the other kids.

Besides, what's the big deal?
Nobody knows you're here.

Gorilla says, "Submarine?
I thought you meant
the real sandwich."

(CHUCKLES)
That's a good one, Grandpa.

Hey, isn't that your cranky
little friend from school?

ARNOLD: You mean, Helga?

(HELGA GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

So what? Now you're
not ever gonna talk
to me again?

How am I ever gonna know
what's wrong, huh?

Don't you pull a Miriam on me,
young lady.

I would like you
to leave me alone now.

No more bonding.
No more feeble attempts
at spending time together.

Just leave me alone.

(TELEPHONE BUTTON BEEPING)

Phoebe, did you get 'em?
I couldn't get the tickets.

(SCREAMING) Oh!

What a rotten week.

First Miriam bails on me
'cause she can't take it.

And then my lame dad
forces me to spend
the whole day with him

so he can pretend
that we are bonding,
what a joke.

I'm terribly sorry, Helga.

And now I can't even
get tickets to the one thing
I've been dying to see.

Look at her.
She looks miserable.

I gotta think of something
I can do for her.

I just need some kind of clue.

(GROANS)

BOB: Wake up.

Uh, what?

Get dressed.
What for?

I've been thinking about
the last few days and well...

I wanna make it up to you.

What do you say?
Give Big Bob
one more chance, huh?

Oh, brother.

Come on, Helga. Please.

Oh, all right.
One more chance.

Good. Now hurry up
and get dressed
or we'll be late.

Late for what?

I've been up all morning,
calling all over town.

I must have called
in 50 favors.

But I got 'em.

And the two of us are going.

Going where?

I got the tickets
you wanted, Helga.

(EXCITED)
You got tickets to...

Not another word.

Get dressed or we'll be late.

(BELL DINGING)
ANNOUNCER: Oh, man!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Well, here we are, Helga.

Big show
you've been dying to see.

HELGA: "Rats
the musical of singing rats?"

Pretty good, huh?

I did a little research
about you.

Found this magazine ad
that you had clipped out.

And then the old noggin'
started working.

Gee, Dad,
this really is a surprise.

Thanks.

Told ya I'd come through.

HELGA: Great. Now I have to
sit through this stupid
musical for three hours.

BOB: Great. Now I have to sit
through this stupid musical
for three hours.

♪ We're rats, we're rats
we're furry and forlorn

♪ We live in sewers
love in sewers

♪ And our hearts are torn

♪ We laugh
♪ We cry

♪ We sing in harmony

♪ I love her
♪ But I love him

♪ And darn it he loves me!

♪ Ohhh
rats rats rats rats rats! ♪

It's so beautiful...

(GASPS)
...and so true.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

This is the stupidest thing
I've ever seen.

I know. It's horrible.

Finally, we've got something
we can hate together.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Shh!

BOTH:
Oh, pipe down, you weasels.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

♪ Nibble, nibble,
nibble, nibble
underneath the grimy street

♪ What a dreary kibble life is
what a bitter dish defeat

♪ The rodent's life is pain

♪ Impotent and inane

♪ There's only one thing
worse than cats

♪ Rats, we're rats
We're maudlin and repressed

♪ We live in sewers
love in sewers

♪ That's why we're depressed!

♪ And oh
♪ The pain we need
to share with you

♪ And in
♪ Three hours

♪ You're gonna feel it too!

♪ Oh, rats

♪ Rats, rats, rats! ♪