02x16 - Coach Wittenberg/Four-Eyed Jack

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.

Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

GERALD: We're running
out of time, Arnold.

The deadline for entering
the bowling tournament
is in one hour

and we still haven't found
an adult to be our coach.

There's got to be
somebody out there

someone who can coach
our bowling team.
(CRASHING)

Stupid inadequate pail.

Constantly getting
in my way, incessantly.

Coach Wittenberg?

Huh, who's that?

It's me, Arnold,

from your basketball team
with the YMAA.

Oh. Arnie, right.

It seems like just yesterday,
things were going so well.

But after you left, Arnie,

the complaints
started coming in.

I was too harsh,

too severe, too mean,
too everything except

all the things outside
of that which

they designated me!

And then it happened.

My universe came crashing
down at the seams.

Having lost the position
to which I had
previously beholden,

I needed some
emotional relief.

My wife, Tish, took the news
of my recumbent f*ring

pretty well under
the circumstances.

What? Fired?

That's the fourth
time this year.

But, Tish...

I'm fatigued and tired of
you losing coaching jobs.

Till you clean up
your act and fly right,
you're out of here!

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

That's how I ended up here.

Gerald, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

But this guy's
a terrible coach.

Look, he needs us
and we need him.

Oh, man.

Coach Wittenberg,
Gerald and I wanna enter
the bowling tournament

but we need a coach.
(GASPS) A coaching job?

Are you kidding? Me?

Boys,

the honorarium
would be all mine!

As your new coach

and as a personage who upon

will be teaching you
the basics of the game
of bowling,

the first and primary
order of business

is to size up the individual
team level of your skills.

All right, Crazy Legs,

let's see what you can do.

What kind of motion is that?

You gotta put your
fingers in the holes!

And break a nail?
(SCOFFS) Right.

Drop and give me
a 10, missy.

(LAUGHS)
Now!

All right, Red, you're up.

(GRUNTS)

(GROWLS)

Sorry, Coach.
Drop and give me 10, Red.

Arnie! Show 'em
how to do it.

I got one.

All right! Whoo-hoo!
(LAUGHING)

Knock it off!

One pin is nothing
to cheer about!

One pin is pathetic!

You're all pathetic!

Now drop and give me 10!

Arnold, we gotta talk to you.

We thought this bowling
tournament was gonna be fun.

But instead all we're doing
is getting yelled at.

And doing push-ups.

And breaking our nails.

What are you saying?

We wanna fire
Coach Wittenberg.

And we want you to do it.

Wait a second, you guys.
Let me just talk
to Coach Wittenberg.

If I can convince him
to lighten up, will you
stay with the team?

Okay, fine.

But this better work.

You've come to fire me,
haven't you, Arnie?

Well...
Oh, man, I knew it.

It's happening again.

Repetitively.
Why? Why? Why?
Wait.

We're not f*ring you.

You're not?
No.

Oh. Well, that's
different then.

The thing is, we want
the team to stay together.
Uh-huh. Yeah. Sure.

And we can't do
without a coach.
Uh-huh. Yeah.

But we're all wondering if
you could ease up a bit.
Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah.

The kids are
getting discouraged.
Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

Maybe you could
try a new approach.
Yeah. Yeah.

Use psychology.
Hmm.

Psycho-cology.

Ha!

All right, Arnie.
You got yourself a deal.

From now on, I am
turning over a new limb.

(SCREAMING)

For crying out loud, Red,
can't you do anything right?

Drop and give me...
(GRUNTING)

I mean, uh...

Psycho-cology.

Uh... Okay, Red, uh...

The elemental thing
situationally speaking
is, uh...

Don't worry about it.

Tell me something, Red.
What's your favorite food?

I'm especially fond
of strained beets.

(CHUCKLES) You're a unique
individual, Red.

All right. All right.
From now on

I want you to forget about
bowling and trying to win.

The only thing I want you
to think about is...

Strained beets.
Try that, Red.

(SOFTLY) Strained beets.

Strained beets.

Yeah! All right! Yeah.
(KIDS CHEERING)

Yes!
There's nothing cool
about bowling.

Rhonda, I just
happen to notice

in this month's
Fifteen magazine,

there's an article
contained there within
on bowling.

A lot of really cool
people bowl. Look.

Movie stars, rock stars,
even music television VJs.

They all bowl.
Wow.

That is cool.

Abso-positively.

So be cool. Bowl.

(ALL CHEERING)

You were right, Arnie.

This sensitivity thing
really works.
(SNAPS FINGERS)

Ever since you had that
little talk with the coach

we've been doing great.

Yeah. If we keep this up,

I think we can actually win
the tournament on Saturday.

WITTENBERG: All right, guys.
We made it this far.

I just want to say that

irregardless whether this
game has an outcome,

you are the finest
bunch of bowlers

this individual has ever had
the prerogative to supervise.

Now, on three!

One, two, three!

ALL: Zephyrs are go!

Tish!

Gerald, I think
that's his wife.

Well, Coach...

Are you and your team
ready to learn a thing
or two about bowling?

For i.e., how it is,
wherein,

we will administrate to you
a serious whipping.

Don't you worry, Tish.

Confidence wise I am
absolutely and
incomprehensibly confident

in the abilities
of this said team.

Hey, Arnold. You Zeplons
are going down.

Coach, are you all right?

Kid, get me a cream soda,
would you?

(CLAPPING)

Come on, you guys.

You're falling apart.

You wanna lose this thing?

Time's running out, Jack.

Looks like, once again,
you'll have to be reconciled

to the fact that in
the coaching framework

winning is beyond the pale
and your capabilities.
Yeah? Yeah? Well...

It ain't over until
it's over... Tish.

Oh. It's over, Jack.

It's over.

(SCOFFS)

(SCREAMS)

(WHISTLES) That's it!

No more Mr. Nice guy.

Drop and give me 10, Bartley!

Come on. (WHISTLES) I wanna
see a strike out there now.

And don't give me any gub
about breaking a nail.

Any backtalk and you can
drop and give me
10 right now, miss.

Oh!
Coach, what are you doing?

You're yelling at everybody
and making us all nervous.

If that's what it takes
to gain victoryship,
then so be it.

But, Coach, we were
doing just fine until...

Until what?

Look, you get this
straight, Arnie.

Tish has nothing
to do with this.

Now you get back
to that bench!

(WHISTLES) Red, you're up!

And I wanna see a strike!

Look, Coach,
even if we don't win...

That's not the worst thing
in the world, is it?

We have to win
and we will win.

It's the only way I can
prove I'm a good coach.

But haven't you
already proven that?

I mean, you've helped all
of us to be more confident.

You believed in us
and you never gave up.

You treated us
as individuals,

and, thusly, helped us
reach a potentiality that
we never knew we had.

Yeah? Potentiality, huh?

Well, Arnie...

Some of that makes sense,
I guess.

It doesn't really matter
if we win or lose.

The important thing is,
you've been a really good
coach to us.

Don't stop now.

Arnie, you're right.

Being a good coach
isn't about winning.

It's about supporting
your players as individuals.

Teaching them skills
and giving them

the confidence to reach
for new heights.

But most of all,
it's about psycho-cology.

Eugene.

Eugene, you're sitting on
a six-seven split there.

You pick up the spare...
I know. I know.

And we win the tournament.

Forget about messing up.
Just remember one thing...

(WHISPERS) Strained beets.

(SOFTLY) Strained beets.

Strained beets.

Strained beets.
Strained beets.

(THUDDING)

(ALL CHEERING) Yeah!

We did it! Yeah!

Three cheers for
Coach Wittenberg.

Hip-hip...
ALL: Hooray!

Hip-hip...
ALL: Hooray!

Hip-hip...
ALL: Hooray!

Hip-hip...
ALL: Hooray!

You guys are the greatest.

TISH: Hey, Coach.

(THUNDER CRASHES)

GERALD: Man, Arnold,
get a load of this one!

It's called The Purdy Boys
Dig Up a Severed Hand
in the Cellar.

ARNOLD: Pretty good, Gerald,

but I've gotta read
this one first.

The Purdy Boys Trapped in
a Mansion with a Bunch of
Undead Mummies!

These books are sick!

I love them.

Hey...
Look at these, Gerald?

(LAUGHING)

Look at you, Arnold.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(DOOR OPENS)
GRANDPA: Evening, boys.

Thought I'd bring you
some milk and cookies

before the power
goes out again.

Oh. I'd hate to have to
send you boys downstairs

to replace a fuse on a dark
stormy night like this.

Hey, Grandpa,
whose glasses are these?

(GASPS) Bony Moronie!

Those look like the glasses
of Four-Eyed Jack!

Four-Eyed Jack? Who's that?

You never heard
of Four-Eyed Jack?

Well, give me one
of them cookies

and I'll tell you the story.

Ooh, this has got
sparkles on it.

(CRUNCHES) Mmm.

A weird fellow lived here
in the boarding house

a long time before
either of you were born.

Everyone called him
Four-Eyed Jack,

on account of the glasses.

Couldn't see but three feet
in front of him.

People pretty much
left him alone here
in the boarding house.

He mostly kept to his
room in the cellar,

cooking re-fried beans.

Whoa! They stank
to high heaven.

Jack had a notion to invent
a new method of cooking them.

He was always experimenting

on bigger and bigger
batches of beans.

Finally, he went too far.

(CLANGING)

His pressure cooker exploded!

And not a trace
of Four-Eyed Jack

was ever found there again.

Ever since then,
on really stormy nights,

the ghost of Four-Eyed Jack

wanders around
the boarding house,

blind as a bat,
looking for his lost glasses,

moaning and muttering
and crashing into things,

spreading his awful stench

and scaring the bejimany
out of people.

Funny these would turn up
on a night like this.

Wait one minute.

You're telling me that
this place, is haunted?

Well, no. That would
be irresponsible.

What I'm trying to say is...

(RAISES VOICE)
Yes! It is haunted.

By the vengeful and holy
crypt creeping ghost of...

(THUNDERCLAP)
Four-Eyed Jack!

Here you go, Shortman.

You'll be hearing from him
tonight, I'll wager.

By moving these glasses,
you've disturbed his spirit.

I'll be hearing from him?

Nah, just put the glasses
back in the box

where you found them,
and forget about it.

ARNOLD:
Maybe I was meant
to find the glasses,

and give them back
to Four-Eyed Jack,

so then he can
finally move on

and stop haunting
the boarding house.

Well, you boys believe
what you want,

nothing to do now
but pray for mercy.

(STOMACH RUMBLES) Oh.

I'll be in the commode.

Your Grandma made
raspberry cobbler tonight.

Oh, boy.

I'd be careful with those
glasses, Shortman.

(THUNDERCLAP)

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

I bet those glasses belong to
someone in the boarding house.

Maybe Oskar or someone?
(THUDS)

You hear something, Gerald?

Yeah. Something made
a bump, so what?

It's him. He's looking
for his glasses.

Ah, forget it, man!

It's just your imagination.

Look, this old house always
makes noises at night.

Come on.

Okay. Looks like it's
gonna be a ghost hunt.

I'd thought
I'd just sleep over,

read a couple of comic books,

maybe listen to
some CDs, but no.

(FLOORBOARD CREAKING)

(WHISPERS) Listen to that.
It's the ghost.

It's the bottom step
of your stairs, Arnold.

It always creaks
when you step on it.
(WOOD CREAKING)

Get a hold of yourself,
you're coming unglued.

(WOOD CREAKS)
You hear it, Gerald?

It's louder than ever.
He's real close.

(RATTLING)

(CRASHES)
SUZIE: I thought you were
at the race track!

I wasn't at the race track,
I was looking for a job,

in the same neighborhood
as the race track!

SUZIE: No. I know you were
at the race track.

Hi, Mr. Kokoshka.
Oh, hello, Arnold,

and, uh, Arnold's friend.

(SUZIE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Gerald.

He doesn't look like any
Four-Eyed Jack to me, Arnold.

I'd say he looks like Oskar.

(CRASHING)
What are you talking about?

Arnold thinks there's a ghost
haunting the boarding house.

A ghost,
in the boarding house?

Foo, I don't believe
in ghosts.
(CRASHING)

I'm not the least
bit superstitious.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
SUZIE: What do you mean
you're not superstitious?

You keep a horseshoe
in your pants.

Don't mock my
family's traditions!

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Have you been hearing
anything unusual?

Any weird noises?

Noises? What kind of noises?

(GURGLING)

(METALLIC WHIRRING)

Hold on. Don't leave me
in the dark alone.

Yeah.

Hi, Ernie.

We were just wondering what,

um, you were doing in there.

None of your business.
ARNOLD: Oh.

Sorry.

We thought the sound...
GERALD: See, Arnold!

There is no ghost.

There is no such thing
as ghosts.

Ghost? Did you say ghost?

Hey, not so fast, kid.

Listen, Arnold,

you don't wanna disturb
the spirits on a night
like this.

You don't wanna mess
with the unknown.

I messed with the unknown
one time.

What happened?
Nothing.

But it could have
been horrible.

I could have been struck dead

or turned to stone
or something.

Who knows?

That's why they call it
the unknown.

Listen, if I were you boys,

I'd turn back right now.

Turn back from what?

Well, um, uh...

I... I don't know if
I should tell you this.

Tell us what? Go ahead.

Well, uh, the last
couple of nights,

I've been hearing some
pretty funny sounds

come from down there.

Like someone gagging on
a hoagie... It was horrible.

See, Gerald? I told you.

It's Four-Eyed Jack.
Oh, great.

Now everything sounds
like Four-Eyed Jack.

(GURGLING)

That's the sound.
It's him!

Four-Eyed Jack. Come on!

I'm not going anywhere
without the old
equalizer here.

(GURGLING)

I'll go first.
This could get ugly.

(GURGLING)

(ALL GASP)

(GURGLING CONTINUES)

(THUNDERCLAP)

(SPITS) Hello! Yes!

I told you it could get ugly.

Mr. Hyunh?
Are you okay?

Of course, I am okay.

I was just gargling.
Gargling?

He was gargling,
Arnold. Okay?

He's not the ghost of
Four-Eyed Jack, all right?

Sorry, Mr. Hyunh. I guess
I got carried away.

See, we're sort of
looking for a ghost.

Oh, I don't like ghosts.
Very creepy.

Are you saying there's
a ghost in the boarding
house, Arnold?

Well...
(WIND HOWLING)

(BANGING OPEN)
(THUNDERCLAP)

When there is
a ghost in the house,

you need to give him
an offering to make him
to go away.

This chicken look good.

Hey, that's my lunch.

Give him the halibut.
It's going bad anyway.

You guys are all crazy.

I refuse to believe
any of this.

(THUNDERCLAP)

(LOUD MOANING)

(MOANING CONTINUES)

(MOANING CONTINUES)

I know. Let's catch him
and send him to the circus.

We can make money.

No. It's bad luck
to harm the ghost.

(MOANING CONTINUES)

(SNIFFING)

Man, he didn't exaggerate
about one thing, Arnold.

Something sure
stinks around here.

Yeah.

(MOANING LOUDER)

Whoa. Hello.
It smells.

What is that smell?
Smell makes me sick.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(MOANING CONTINUES)
GERALD: Hey, wait.

Maybe we shouldn't open it.

Why not?
Look, man,

if you open that door and
we find out what's behind it,

then one of us will be right.
So?

So... One of us will be
wrong and what if it's me?

(RATTLING)

(DOOR CREAKING)

(SHATTERS)

(MOANING)
(ALL SCREAMING)

(THUNDERCLAP)

Never eat raspberries, boys.

Grandpa, what are
you doing here?

Hey, can't a fellow use
the downstairs bathroom
in peace?

I didn't know we had
a downstairs bathroom.

I thought that this was
a secret passageway.

It is.

You think I want
everyone finding out
about my extra bathroom?

I'd never get
my reading done.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Oh, great,
now the secret's out.

ERNIE: Hey.
It's even got a shower.

And marble sinks.

The old guy's been
holding out on us,

look at this magazine rack.

Must be made of pure walnut.

Nice wallpaper.
Bunny Rabbit.

There. Are you
satisfied, Arnold?

(TOILET FLUSHES)
There is no ghost.

The kid's right, Arnold.
No ghost.

Let's go back upstairs.

Yeah. That's right.
Come on. Let's go.

Get a move on now.
You never saw this.
Good night.

Man, I can't believe
we spent half the night,

looking for some dumb ghost.

Let's get some sleep.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(SIREN WAILING)

(CLOCK TICKING)

Um... Boo!

(GERALD SCREAMING)

(DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE)

(CAR ALARM BEEPING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)