02x17 - Eugene Goes Bad/What's Opera, Arnold?

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Hey Arnold!". Aired: July 10, 1996 - June 8, 2004.*
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Series follows the adventures of Arnold, a fourth-grader with a football-shaped head who lives with his grandparents, Phil and Gertrude, in the city of Hillwood.
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02x17 - Eugene Goes Bad/What's Opera, Arnold?

Post by bunniefuu »

Here we go...
HELGA: Arnold!

(DOG BARKING)
(CAT SCREECHING)

Hey, Arnold!

(CRASH)

(SCREAMING)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)

Arnold!

Arnold.

Move it, football head.

KIDS: Hey, Arnold

MAN: (ON TV) Your evil scheme
is now finished.

You have broken the law,
and now you must pay
for your crimes.

It's time to take you

out to lunch.

I knew the Abdicator
would catch that guy.

He always does.

Yeah, that was
pretty cool, Eugene.

He's my hero.

He stands up
for the little guy,

The guy like me.

He's the Abdicator.

Defender of the poor,
the weak, the clumsy.

He's the greatest.

What the?
(CHOKING)

That's nice, Eugene,
but you know,
he's just a TV hero.

I mean, he's not real.

Well, you're wrong, Gerald.

He maybe a TV hero,

but he's real, all right.

And he'll be
in our neighborhood tomorrow

filming another episode

of... The Abdicator.

I can't wait.

Finally, I'll get to see
my hero in action.

When I grow up,
I wanna be just like him.

Ha! Like that's
gonna happen.

At least he has
a dream, Gerald.

It's time to take you
out to lunch.

It's time to take you
out to lunch.

He's my hero.

(EUGENE GASPING)

I can't believe it!
It's him.

It's really him.

This is the greatest day
of my life.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

DIRECTOR: And action!

Your reign of terror
has come to a conclusion.

I'm taking you downtown.

Yeah? You, and what army?

Me, and
the army of justice,

honesty, and respect
for all citizens

regardless of race,

creed, color,
or political affiliation.

I like to see you try.

Abdicator.

It's time to take you

out to lunch.

This must be
the big fight scene.

The Abdicator will
cream this guy.

See? He's a real hero,
you guys.

Okay, cut. That's a print.

Bring in the stuntman.

Huh?

Where's the Abdicator going?

Who's that guy?

DIRECTOR: And action!

Okay, cut it.

Good work, Stunt Abdicator.

"Stunt Abdicator"?

Wait a minute. You mean,
the Abdicator doesn't do
his own stunts?

Where is my lunch?

Where is my apricot juice?

Where is my mushroom brioche?

It's Hollywood, Eugene.

I can't believe it.

Come on, people.

I have been working
since 11 o'clock.

And this suit is still
too hot and confining.

What do I have to do
to get some help
around here?

I mean, the last time
I looked in the trade,

I was still
a major television star.

And he's whining like a baby.

That's not the way
the Abdicator would act.

Maybe he's just
having a bad day.

The Abdicator's always honest

brave and polite,
no matter what.

He's a fake, guys.

He's not a real hero at all.

Eugene, what are you doing?

EUGENE: Boo! Boo!
The Abdicator stinks!

Whoa!

Ow.

The Abdicator's a fake.

Boo!

Hey, you are
not allowed here.

No fans can
cross the barricade.

Why isn't somebody on this?

You're a fake.

I'm just an actor.

Yeah, well, to millions
of kids, you were a hero.

We looked up to you.

But now I know the truth.

You're nothing but a fake.

Look, kid, it's just
a role I play.

Come on, you're a wimp.

Oh, forget it, Mo,

there's millions of other kids
who'll still watch the show.

I guess so, but...

Still, I...

Where's my apricot juice?

He's a fake, a fraud.

I-I can't believe it.

Don't forget, Eugene.

He's just an actor.

Arnold, he's a wimp.

As far as I'm concerned,
the Abdicator's a fake.

And if he is a fake,

then there's no reason
to try to be good
or honest anymore.

I think you're
taking this thing
a little too hard, Eugene.

Yeah? Well, maybe I am.
So what?

(CAT SCREECHING)

"How to go bad."

Hmm.

(CRASHES)

Whoa!

(FIRE ALARM RINGING)

(SCREAMING)

Did you pull that alarm?

So what if I did?

Did you observe a fire
in the vicinity?

Hey, man,
there's no fire.

Pulling the fire alarm
without probable cause

is a violation
of the school code,

and a very serious infraction.

So? Sue me.

All right, that's it.
That's it.

In my office,
right this minute,
young man.

Hey, that's not
my scene, man.

Cut.

Eugene, what are you doing?

Whatever I want, squirt.

"Squirt"?

Uh, look, Eugene.
I was just wondering
how things were going lately.

What's it to you?

Come on, Eugene.
You've changed.

Make your point, Arnold.
You're boring me.

Eugene...

That's my name.
Don't wear it out.

(SIGHING)
Oh, brother.

You used to be
a nice kid.

Why are you doing this?

'Cause it's there.

That doesn't even
make sense.

It's not complicated, Arnold.

I used to be a nice guy,

but somewhere
along the line,
I changed.

And once a guy
like me changes,

there ain't
no changing back.
Got it?

But, Eugene...

Later for you.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

(CRACKLING)

Hi, Eugene.

Move it, or lose it, spud.

Is that all you got
to say to me?

What else would say
to a punk like you?

Well, it used to be
I thought you might
give me some advice.

It used to be, I thought
you might provide

an example I could
look up to and emulate.

It used to be that
because I'm younger
and smaller than you,

I looked up to you
as a hero.

As an example
of what I might be
when I grew up.

But lately,
since you've been acting
all mean and nasty,

I guess the only thing
you got to say to me is

"Look out for yourself
and the heck
with everybody else."

I used to look
up to you, Eugene.

But now that
you've gone bad,

I guess there's nothing
for me to do, but...

Well, go bad too.

(DISTANT SIREN)

ABDICATOR: Last night,
I couldn't sleep.

I kept thinking about
what the clumsy kid said
to me the other day

about how he always
looked up to the Abdicator.

Look, kid, it's no big deal.

Every big star has
one or two disgruntled fans.

I was so troubled,
I woke my neighbor

to borrow a dictionary
and look up the meaning
of "Abdicator."

It means
to give up responsibility,

to abandon your position
without fulfilling
your duties.

I couldn't believe it.

It left me haunted.

This morning I was so upset
I could barely work out.

Look, Maurice,

darling, you are
not a real hero.

You just play one on TV.

That's what I told that kid.

But somehow, it's not
a good enough answer.

Kids need a hero
to look up to.

That little kid
looked up to me

and I failed him.

I abdicated my duties.

I need to take a walk.

Maurice! Wait.

So what if it's
past my bed time?

EUGENE: I'm going out.

And I might not be back
till nine o'clock.

ARNOLD: Eugene!

Eugene, wait.

You're acting crazy, Eugene.

So what? It's none
of your beeswax.

ARNOLD: Eugene...

You may not know it.

But there are people
who care about you.

EUGENE: Yeah, right.

Help!

Somebody please
help me!

Hey, it's that crazy kid
that was bugging
me today.

Help!

Everybody needs a hero.

Please help me.

(CRASH)
EUGENE: I'm okay.

Don't worry.
I'll get you down.

EUGENE: Help!

I need help here.

BOY: Whoa!

EUGENE: Help!

Help! Somebody!

MAURICE:
It's that clumsy kid
that told me I stink.

Kids need a hero
to look up to.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Don't worry.
I got you,
clumsy kid.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Wow. It's you, the Abdicator.

You saved me.

You really are a hero.

No, I'm not a real hero.

I'm just
a highly paid TV star.

But I still care
about the kids
who watch my show,

and look up to me.

And I want them
to do the right thing.

Everybody needs a hero.

Thanks, Abdicator.

Call me Maurice.

Eugene, you saved me.

You shouldn't have been
out here to begin with.

I know.

It must be way past
your bed time.

I'm supposed to be
in bed by 8:30,

right after
my favorite show,
Yo, Ernest.

Good. I'll take you home.

BOY: Eugene, you're my hero.

Well, I still say
he's a jinx and a geek.

Yeah, but he's
something else too.
A goof?

No, a hero.

That's corny, Arnold.

Yeah, I know.

It sounded really cool
for a minute.

GERALD: I'll give you that.

But after it sounded cool,
it sounded really corny.

ARNOLD: Yeah, I guess.

GERALD: I mean corny corny...

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCOFFS) Opera?
What a bunch of dorks.

La-di-da, froufrou,
ladies in wigs,

singing a lot of two dollar
words about nothing.

Doy.

What a waste
of a good field trip.

You said a mouthful, pal.

Opera's for wimps.

(KIDS CHATTERING)

Kids, kids, just listen.

Feel the music.

Here's the big finish.

(HUMMING)

Oh.

And that was Wagner's
"Ride of the Valkyries"

What do you think?

(CHILDREN BOOING
AND CHATTERING)

That really bites.

Stinky, you're entitled
to your opinion,

but I bet by the time
we're finished
with this field trip,

I'll make an opera lover
of you yet.

And this is, of course,
the song of Pagliacci,

the crying clown.

Look at me,
I'm Pagliacci,

the big, sad clown.

Boo-hoo-hoo.

(CACKLES)

And this is what
we'll be seeing today.

A classic tale of power
and faithless love.

The opera, Carmen.

Power and
faithless love, huh?
You got my attention.

The story centers
around the heroine, Carmen...

(CHILDREN EXCLAIMING)
...the beautiful gypsy,

who flirts with a young
Spanish officer, Don Jose.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

Don Jose is,
how would you say,

charmed by Carmen,

and lets her
escape arrest,

uh, how should I
put this?

Uh, causing harm
to another girl.

Maybe this won't be
boring after all, Phoebs.

Not boring at all, Helga.

Carmen is a great story.

But Carmen forgets
all about Don Jose

the minute she sets
her gypsy eyes on

the torero Escamillo.

Torero?
What's a torero?

You know, a toreador,
a bull fighter.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CROWD CONTINUES CHEERING)

Oh my gosh, look,
the show's about to start.

Everyone have
your tickets ready.

Oh, Arnold.

Flamenco dancer

stomping on the stench
of my heart.

Conquistador of my soul.

Would that, at this moment,

I could know
your heart's desire,
my love.

(CHILDREN GIGGLING)

Ruth! Ruth!

If only I could get that
football-headed torero

to feel that way about me...

What am I doing wrong?
What?

One side, moron!

(CHILDREN MURMURING, SHUSHING)

BOY: Everybody, quiet.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(APPLAUSE)

GERALD:
♪ Figaro, Figaro, Figaro!

Huh?

♪ Figaro, Figaro, Figaro!

ARNOLD: Hey, Gerald,
what are you doing?

Where are you going?

What's going on?

(HAROLD CRYING)

Harold?

(HAROLD SOBBING)

Uh, are you all right?

Look at me, Arnold.

Look at me!

I'm a... I'm a...

♪ Big, ugly clown-o

♪ A big sad ugly clown oh! ♪

(SOBBING)

(CROWD LAUGHING)
(HAROLD SOBBING)

(GASPING)

GIRLS: It's Ruth, it's Ruth.

♪ I'm Ruth McCarmen

♪ And awfully charmin'

♪ I guess you noticed
by the way you stare

♪ You're not bad either

♪ Let's take a breather

♪ And we can talk
about my auburn hair

♪ Her auburn hair
You're standing there

♪ Why don't you
introduce yourself to Ruth

She's like
a flower blossom.

I know she's wicked awesome.

Come on, Arnold.

It's the moment of truth.

♪ My name's Don Arnold

♪ Please have a caramel

♪ Your hair is lovely

♪ Do you like my pants?

♪ They're made of satin

♪ The cape's pure Latin

♪ I had it tailored
in the south of France

CROWD:
♪ The south of France
Your satin pants

♪ Why don't you
ask the lady for a dance?

It's time for your decision.

It's almost intermission.

Hey Arnold, you better
ask her to dance.

(COW MOOING)

Uh... Hey!

Cut it out.
Who's doing that?

(CHUCKLES) I had to
shut you up somehow.

You were snoring
louder than the orchestra.

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

Man, how far
into it are we?

Beats me.

I'm looking for some music
to listen to

until this thing is over.

Second Act.

Now, Carmen will
convince Don Jose

to desert from the army
and join her band
of gypsy smugglers.

All goes okay for a while,

but then this really
handsome guy named
Escamillo comes in.

(GASPING)
Huh?

(ALL GASPING)

(HORSE NEIGHING)

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

♪ Ruth is a lightweight

♪ A giggling geek bait

♪ I need to thrash her

♪ That's what I said

♪ Ruth is a loser

♪ How could you choose her

♪ How could you do that?

♪ Football head!

♪ Football head!
Football head!

♪ To show my contempt
her picture I shred

♪ Helga's a viking

♪ Sure is exciting

♪ I'm gonna thump her

♪ Right on the head!

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Oh, yeah? How?

♪ With my golden
magic slingshot

Golden magic slingshot?

Golden magic slingshot?

I thought it was spear
and a magic helmet.

♪ No

♪ With my golden
magic slingshot

Doy!

Hey, Ruth.

Scene's over, bonehead.

Ruth?

Ruth?

ARNOLD: Ruth?

Ruth? Hmph.

♪ Just like I stated

♪ She's overrated

♪ A big no-brainer
with enormous feet

♪ Why not forget her

♪ I'm so much better

♪ My name's Carm Helga

♪ And I'm awfully sweet

♪ She's awfully sweet
Such tiny feet

♪ Her name's Carm Helga
And you two should meet

Come join my band of gypsies.

♪ We're touring 50 cities

♪ With you
my gypsy band will be

♪ Complete

Perfect. What could
possibly be better
than this?

HAROLD: Hold it!

GIRLS: Haroldamillo!

It is Haroldamillo.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Thank you very much.

(CAR HONKING, BEEPING)

♪ I'm so fine
The girls know I'm divine

♪ The thing is I'm sublime
It's really true you know

♪ Check out my cuspidor

♪ I'm what you're looking for

♪ Helga, won't you
dump this guy

♪ And come to my bullfights

Bullfights, huh?

♪ Bullfights and sword fights
rolling in my norm

♪ Blows to the head
I can endure

♪ Fighting bulls is
All I want in life

♪ Plus I could use a wife!

♪ And several pairs of tights

♪ In shades of blue

♪ Helga, please say, "I do"

(CHURCH BELLS RINGING)

ARNOLD: Wait a minute.

On guard.
Cafe au lait!

CHILDREN: (CHANTING)
Fight, fight, fight.

At last, my dream comes true.

Arnold my true love,

saving my honor,

dueling to the death.

Be still my b*ating heart.

Hush my distempered breath.

(SNORING)

I said, "Hush my
distempered breath."

(SNORING CONTINUES)

(OPERA MUSIC)

(ARNOLD YELLING)

(GASPING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(GROANING IN PAIN)

(CRYING)

Thank you very much.

(HELGA GIGGLING)

(GIGGLING) Don Arnold.
My love.

(BANG)

(CROWD SCREAMING)

Arnold! Don Arnold!

Wait, my love. Wait!

(SOBBING)
Don't go.

(APPLAUSE)

So, how was it?

It was...

Interesting.

Wasn't that great, Helga?

It was okay.

It just ended too soon.

(SIGHING)

GERALD: The opera!

What a waste
of a good field trip.

KIDS:
♪ Contests of brute strength
Wrestling in the mud

GERALD: I'm looking
for some music to listen to.

Hmm.

KIDS: ♪ Curly's the best

GERALD: Hmm. That's right.
It sound good, it's right.

KIDS: ♪ Arnold's a dud

GERALD: Figaro, mm!

♪ Helga you should
really get a clue

GERALD: Whatever you say.

That's right.
What's a Torero?

♪ Curlamillo's for you!

♪ Arnold is last week's news

♪ He's overdue

GERALD: ♪ Figa-ro, ro, ro

♪ Curly's the one for you

GERALD: This is over.
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