15x13 - Salute Your Sllort

[bunniefuu]

We've been kicking this
hill's ass all day.

It's only right we tell it our names.

Roll call!

- Steve!
- Snot!

- Toshi!
- Toshi's friend!

Sllort!

You know, Sllort, I'm so glad

we met you out here
on the sledding hill.

Adding you to our crew

has made this the best
winter break ever.

I know. If I had not met you guys,

I would be so nervous for my
first day of school tomorrow,

but you can show me

how things are different
here from Sweden.

I can show you how to
use the water fountains.

In America,
if you suck on the spout super hard,

you don't even need to press the button!

OLD MAN POWELL: I told you kids
to stay off my sledding hill!

This is for private events only!

Now get!

Oh, crap, Old Man Powell.

If I catch you here again,
I'll k*ll you!

I'm not afraid of jail!

I've already done what I was
put on this Earth to do...

piss in every single
Marriott-owned hotel pool.

Oh, yum!

Oh, they're just burs.

What did you think they were?

Come on, Steve.

I don't think about what I eat.

Should we warm up with some
hot chocolate at Steve's place?

Sorry, but my host family
expects me home

before the Earth swallows the Sun

and the dark sky stares down at me

with its million tiny eyeballs.

Whoa, Swedish girls make
everything sound so cool.

Read this e-mail from my doctor.

"Without major lifestyle changes,

"you will not live to
see your next birthday,

and I for one will shed no tears."

Wow, that really takes
the sting out of it.

♪♪

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

I took the ransom money,

but I obviously don't have the kid.

I'm sure that'll all work itself out.

Anyway, that's how I got
these new snow pants.

Aah!

- Aah!
- Aah!

I got a new tongue for Christmas.

Do you l-l-l-like it?

And get this. I can talk faster now.

♪ Hey, filly, Billy, Billy ♪

♪ Hi, filly, ho, Billy ♪

♪ Who, Billy? You, Billy ♪

♪ Me, Billy, we, Billy ♪

I admire your tongue, weird boy,

but soon the Moon's light will bathe us

like helpless babies, so I must go.

Bye, boys.

Who the [BLEEP] is that?

Her name is Sllort.

She's Swedish,
and her sled is made of whale bones.

She's the perfect addition to our crew.

Ha, good luck with that.

You guys are nerds,

and hot girls hang with cools.

When school starts,

she'll see there are better options

and ditch you.

Damn, he may have a point.

Hey, if you're thinking about expanding,

who has a tongue that
can point to his own face

and wants to be in your crew?

This guy.

Regarding Sllort,
I wish we had more time

to solidify things with her.

Then we'd be so tight
that she'd never consider leaving us.

Sure, whatever.

Lollipop time!

[MOANING]

♪♪

A thousand bucks the guy
with the beard is the k*ller.

That's Papa Smurf,

and for the last time,
there hasn't been a m*rder.

Feels a little warm in here.

- Huh, yeah. Yeah, that's what...
- I noticed that earlier.

? Well, that's high.

Anyone know anything about this?

Oh, I turned it up.

Klaus, we keep the thermostat
at around here.

[BUTTON CLICKS]

[CHUCKLES]

Sorry, it was freezing last night,

so I just nudged it up a tad.

Oh, Klaus just nudged it up a tad.

I knew this day was coming.

He's out of control.

I'm out of control?

- For sure.
- He's off the rails.

What the hell is going on?

Ah, there's the language.

Okay! Okay!
I didn't realize it was such a big deal!

I promise it won't happen again!

And here come the lies.

[SOBBING]

- Look what you're doing to our family!
- What are we going to do?

I'll tell you what
we're not going to do...

take that trip out of town
we've been looking forward to.

We can't leave a maniac
like this in our home.

[SOBS]

I hope it was worth it!

Aah! [SOBS]

I was cold.

♪♪

Give it up for our new foreign
exchange student, Sllort.

[APPLAUSE]

Now, this wouldn't be a true exchange

if we didn't give her school
somebody back, so, uh...

you, Dead Tooth, see you next semester!

Aah! Aah!

Sllort has prepared a few
words to introduce herself.

[APPLAUSE]

And now a riddle...

I possess a head and a tail,
but a body I do not have.

What am I?

A coin.

A simple coin!

Amazing.

Riddles are back, baby!

See? She'll be scooped up
by the cools in no time.

I'm not worried about it.

Principal Lewis, you have to see this!

The school has been vandalized!

So? I don't care about this place.

It's about you!

- [STUDENTS GASP]
- Call the cops.

- _
- Who would slander a good man like this?

Oh.

And what's this big
blue and yellow thing?

That is the flag of Sweden.

Well, that's a little suspicious.

You are literally the only person,

faculty included, who knows that.

And what's this?

[SPRAY CAN HISSING]

Just as I thought, spray paint.

Sllort, you're suspended.

Looks like we just got some bonus time.

Police coming through!

You're under arrest.

[ALL GASP]

Arrest her for a little graffiti?

No, for a little m*rder.

- [ALL GASP]
- You see that dumpster?

We found a dead body in it this morning.

[SCREAMING]

Man, look at that crazy thing.

The body was next to

some blue and yellow spray-paint cans.

So once you guys found the vandal,

[CHUCKLES] we had our m*rder*r.

This wasn't part of the plan.

Told you she'd ditch you for the cools.

When it comes to cool,
cops are the tops!

♪♪

We just wanted time

to become better friends with Sllort,

not get her arrested for m*rder.

We have to come clean.

Then we'd get arrested,

and Sllort would never talk to us again.

Hey, what if we solve
the m*rder ourselves?

I-If we find the real k*ller,
she'll be released,

and she'll never know we framed her.

That's true.

Then she'll think we're supercool.

This m*rder might actually
be a blessing in disguise.

Great. It's a plan.

Now can we talk about
that m*rder victim?

He had no head.

Imagine getting as far as he did in life

with that handicap only
to wind up m*rder*d.

♪♪

You have to believe me.

I did not send that man's soul

to the land of , screams.

A, that's adorable,
and B, we believe you.

- Don't worry.
- We're going to find the real k*ller

so the cops have to release you.

Oh, I-I guess we're announcing
other people's ideas now.

That's cool.

Anyway, we're going to fix this, Sllort.

Thank you.

What are you doing here, Billy?

I use my new tongue on the prisoners!

[MOANS]

To read books to them.

What about you guys?

We're on a mission to
find the real k*ller

so the cops release Sllort.

Hey. I could be your
guy here in the lab.

The police lab? They don't let kid...

: !

- Happy hour!
- Happy hour!

Hey, Billy. You mind locking up?

Glug, glug, glug!

Right! That's what I'm talking about!

Time to drink!

[KEYS JINGLE]

♪♪

Guess who just watched
a very one-sided fistfight at the mall?

Klaus, you need help.

Not as bad as the guy at the mall.

This is Elijah.

He's an animal behaviorist.

Wait. Is this about
that thermostat thing?

If we need to put him down,

we're ready to have that conversation.

Before we get to that,

let's talk about taking back control.

Would you like a cookie?

I don't know what you're doing.

I don't know what Stan is doing.

I certainly don't know
what Hayley is doing.

I don't know what any of us are doing.

I'm a nihilist!

All I care about are material pleasures!

Why haven't you given me the cookie yet?

[BUTTON CLICKS]

What was that?

Have another cookie.

[BUTTON CLICKS]

Every time you click that thing,

I get another treat.

- Do more.
- [BUTTON CLICKS]

♪♪

[BUTTON CLICKING]

Forget the treats.

Those clicks are giving
me all the juice I need.

Looks like my work is done.

You guys mind if I take
a bath before I leave?

Hey! I think I found a clue.

The cops left one of
the corpse's gloves.

How do you know it's the corpse's?

The hand is still in it.

And look at these.

Orange burs like the ones
at the sledding hill.

Whoa!

Could Old Man Powell have done it?

He has threatened our lives before.

Guess we better go check it out.

- Barry, you coming?
- ALL: Aah!

I think I actually know this raccoon!

[RACCOON HISSES]

Yep, this is the guy!

The old man said he'd k*ll
us if we ever came back.

Yeah, so maybe try zip-a the lip-as,

you curlicued bullhorn.

I've never noticed this before.

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪

♪♪

[GAGS]

You got the flu, buddy?

These are the same
markings from the body.

Old Man Powell is the k*ller!

We got to tell the cops!

Old man is not here.

He must be on the run,

which means he's the m*rder*r.

Case closed.

Sorry.

[ENGINE STARTS]

That's what I'm talking about!

Time to drink!

You said you would get me out,

and you did.

I knew I could trust you.

Shall we celebrate with some sledding?

I was going to suggest a good
old-fashioned ransacking.

- All right!
- All right!

[CLATTERING]

STEVE: Check out this grandfather clock!

BARRY: Trash that sh*t!

[CLATTERING CONTINUES]

♪♪

Well, it's : .

We promised we'd go see
Tuttle's new game room.

I hope he has pinball!

Klaus, turn off the TV.

[BUTTON CLICKS]

Ah.

If anyone has something funny to say,

now would be the time.

I don't know why you're complaining.

- He had pinball.
- Yeah, but Tuttle stayed.

I thought we were going to
have the room to ourselves.

[BUTTON CLICKING]

Jesus, Klaus.

Don't you think you've
had enough of that thing?

- Aw.
- Don't want you getting too used to this.

It'll lose its power.

You can't get me hooked on something

and then just take it away!

That's called McRibbing someone, Stan,

and it's t*rture!

♪♪

Mmm.

- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES]
- A call?

Have I missed it?

STEVE: Hey, Billy.
The cops let Sllort go.

Turns out Old Man Powell did it,

so we'll see you at school
or something or whatever.

Aw, they never saw me in my lab coat.

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

Yep, Old Man Powell, but wait.

This is the victim sample.

You are the first real
friends I have ever had.

You guys are the best.

No, you're the breast.

So if Old Man Powell is the corpse,

then the skin under his fingernails

will tell us who the real k*ller is.

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

Species unknown?

What about these cuts?

The police said they
were nicks from shaving,

but I'm having doubts.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

[MOUSE CLICKS, COMPUTER BEEPS]

Whoa.

♪♪

Hailing from Scandinavia,

they appear human
until hit by moonlight.

Soon the Moon's light will
bathe us like helpless babies.

They speak in riddles...

What am I?

A coin.

...and consume raw flesh.

♪♪

Hi, Billy.

Whoa, what a babe.

Sllort is not a babe.

She's a troll,

and her name is even "troll" backwards,

well, "trolls," close enough.

I must warn my friends!

♪♪

I want to tell you a secret

I have never told anyone.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

STEVE: That's an easy ignore.

Go on.

I haven't been completely
honest with you.

Before you say anything,

we have something
we should tell you, too.

We actually framed
you for the vandalism.

We were afraid you were going
to ditch us for the cool kids.

What?

You betray Sllort?

No, no, no, no! Th-This is good.

W-We're getting it all
out in the open, right?

Yeah, yeah, it's okay.

I'm just going to...

♪♪

[SHRIEKS]

[DEEP VOICE] ...k*ll you!

- Aah!
- Oh, my God!

Die!

If you're going to k*ll us,

can you at least tell
us your secret first?

Sorry, I-I-I-I-I'm having a hard time

wrapping my head around this.

You're a troll?

Uh, hello. Hi. Yes.

Cool. Well, thanks for catching us up.

♪♪

I was foolish to think
I'd finally found humans

who I could trust with my secret.

You die now!

[SCREAMING]

My precious boys,

I must warn them about
that murderous troll!

[g*ns COCK]

Huh.

Do I really want to walk across town

with these babies ready to rip?

I guess I got to sh**t
them to unload them.

Oh!

No, my precious boys!

♪♪

I'm back from the framers.

Oh, it's perfect.

The only question is where to hang it.

Where will the most people see it?

I'm thinking front door.

I'll get a hammer and nail.

[PROJECTOR CLICKING]

[MOANS] The clicks.

Francine!

Oh, no.

He'll be in here for
the rest of his life

if we don't do something.

Yeah, in here, not messing up our house.

You know what that means?

We can finally go...

Out of town.

Oh, Stan,
I'm the luckiest girl in the world!

Out of town!

[BOTH CHANTING] Out of town!
Out of town!

- Out of...
- [THUD]

This clumsiness thing
you've got going on,

keep it up when we're out of town.

I'm digging it.

[SNARLING]

She's a monster.

You'd think she'd be faster or slower

but not our exact speed.

We can hide in there!

Yes, we'll be safe in the m*rder cave.

♪♪

[SNIFFING]

♪♪

Don't move a muscle.

[SNIFFS]

What are you doing?

I was up late last night.

I need a pick-me-up.

[TAB POPS]

[CAN HISSES]

[GULPING]

♪♪

[CAN CRUNCHING]

Barry.

[SNIFFING]

♪♪

Okay. I think she's gone.

Totally. Let's go to the arcade.

[SCREAMING]

♪♪

It's a dead end!

♪♪

Ugh!

♪♪

Guys, we can't leave her! She'll die!

You talking about troll head?

Listen. This all happened
because we were afraid

Sllort would find out who we really are

and wouldn't like us.

Well, that's what she's had
to deal with her whole life.

Ugh, you're such a sensitive boy, Steve,

and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Let's save that troll!

♪♪

Huh? Where am I?

♪♪

- Whoa.
- All right. Let's go.

- We're trapped!
- Hmm.

♪♪

Uh, Shrek, please.

- What?
- It's a play on, "Check, please,"

because she's an ogre like Shrek.

Actually, she's a troll.

Oh, are there any famous
trolls that rhyme with "check"?

Great last words, guys.

Uh...

[PROJECTOR CLICKING]

No, no, no, no.

No, my clicks!

There's got to be something else!

- [PEN CLICKING]
- Oh, garbage!

[SCRATCHING]

Ugh!

[BUTTON CLICKS]

Oh, oh, ooh, oh, yes, that's it.

[MOANS]

This is nice, getting out of town.

- [CELLPHONE WOOSHING]
- _

Pack it up.
Klaus is back at the thermostat.

Fine.

Just let me throw the
towels in the toilet

and leave the faucet running.

♪♪

This is it, guys,

and as our friend charter dictates,

we go out our way.

♪♪

- Mm.
- Mm.

- Mm.
- Mm.

Aah!

Are we in heaven?

If we were in heaven,
the kiss would still be happening.

Sllort, I-I thought
you were going to k*ll us.

Why didn't you?

Because you came back for me.

Maybe I can trust you after all.

This is awesome.
Our new best friend is a troll.

We're going to get into so
many monster-y shenanigans.

I hope I'm ready
for this next spooky chapter of my life.

Um, about that, I'm hot,

and my visa is only for one year.

So I really just want to focus

on hanging out with hot guys

and hella cool girls while I'm here.

Ouch,
but I'd probably do the same thing.

Oh, sh*t, I didn't do

my winter-break reading assignment!

Bye! Have a great time!