16x04 - Shakedown Steve

[bunniefuu]

Mr.

Gordon, what's the difference between "assets" and "equity?" I have a question for you, Steve Do you know summer break starts tomorrow? Check out what I got in my textbook.

Baaaaabes! Pretty hot for a dead lady or monster? W-Where does one get that? From my big brother, Big Billy.

Dr.

Kalgary made you a brother? [ROCK MUSIC PLAYS, TIRES SCREECH]

Check out this R-rated movie, little bro! Oh, yeahhhh.

- - Pope on Pope action! Well, my big brother took me to Chimdale to buy throwing stars.

No fair! All these big brothers are introducing people to cool, new stuff, but I don't have one.

Sucks to be you, kid.

My big brother's so rad.

He's 68, and all his prostate exams have totally come back negative.

[STUDENTS CHEERING]

Congratulations! Good morning, U.

S.

A.

I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.

S.

A.

Aah! Good morning, U.

S.

A.

Uh-oh, you got bummer face.

What's the crisis? My life is lame and boring 'cause I don't have a big brother to introduce me to cool stuff.

Well, you already have a brother Jeff.

Jeff's just my brother-in-law.

Exactly.

You love the law.

You're always calling the cops to snitch on our neighbors.

They're running a meth lab! Spend some time with Jeff.

Trust me, he can show you some stuff.

If you're talking about that acorn he thinks is a buffalo's toenail, - he's shown me.

- [DOOR CLOSES]

Emergency family meeting in three, two, one.

I-I just got the mail, and I've won a coupon! 30% off for an escape room! It's such an insane deal my hands are shaking! Nope.

Jeff beats escape room.

Aw, man.

I'm gonna get so many chicks at this escape room.

Klaus, do you have any idea what an escape room is? No way, man.

No clue.

This is so cool.

Nobody's ever asked me to be their brother.

It's not really a thing that happens all that often.

Hayley's not my sister now, though, right? Jeff, focus.

I need you to show me the world, expand my horizons.

Okay, you know how sometimes the rest of the family is doing stuff and I'm not around? It's because I'm looking at this wall.

If you look close enough, you can see a little face.

I call him Colonel Forbin.

Big brother advice These guys are legally required to give you as many free samples as you want.

That is not at all true.

Whoops.

Darn it all! I'll help you out by throwing these away at my house.

- Look, I found another one! - Wow.

And yet your clothes are always rumpled.

You can use these things on clothes? [DUCKS QUACKING]

Slack slack, slack slack.

Ducks say "slack" now? What are we doing?! This is madness! Ducks say "what are we doing, this is madness" now? Welcome to The Terrifying Asylum of Dr.

Insane-o.

Unlike other escape rooms, you can take all the time you need.

We'll do it in half that time.

Pssst.

Now I am a guard at this asylum, where Dr.

Insane-o, the demented scientist, performs unspeakable experiments on the inmates you.

I am so embarrassed for you right now that you have to do this.

The Doctor is out shopping for new t*rture devices to use on you, unless you figure out how to escape before he returns.

So you're, like, an asylum guard with a conscience or something? You're You're helping us out? I-I don't get it.

I know how to escape! Follow her! [GRUNTS]

It's locked! Oh, God, they've thought of everything! This isn't working out.

I don't think we're compatible as brothers.

Oh.

I'll take you home as soon as we hang out in this parking lot for a few hours.

A few hours?! In a parking lot?! Nothin' shakin' on Shakedown Street Used to be the heart of town What is this? The parking lot scene before a Phish concert! You just gotta poke around It's like I'm on another planet! This area is Shakedown Street.

It's like a Moroccan bazaar, except none of this stuff's cursed.

I sell 10 grilled cheeses, I can afford a ticket to the show.

[STEAM HISSES]

Cheese cubes, duck bread We were getting ingredients! That's actually pretty smart.

I used my brain to make the idea.

You did it.

You've introduced me to a whole new world, big brother.

Nothing here that could interest you Thanks little brother.

Now that we're brothers, I feel like I can tell you anything.

When I was little, I saw a man stabbing his family at a rest stop, and I pretended not to notice.

Shhhhhhhh.

Let's just savor this moment.

[STEAM HISSES]

Alright, here's my super secret tip to grilled cheese perfection totally melted cheese.

TOGETHER: Whoa! Ohh-ohh! Hey, Cheese, who's your bud? Mars, meet my little brother, Steve.

Your brother makes the best grilled cheese on Shakedown! Like a cheddar Michelangelo sculpting ooey-gooey Davids.

- Did I miss Cheese's cheeses? - Are you NBA Hall of Famer and deeply-hooked Phish-head, Bill Walton? Yes, I am.

I was gonna say "in constant back pain from your height and posture," but that's cool.

I love these things, even though my heart doctor tells me that eating even one of them will take years off my life.

[CHOMPS]

Who's the new kid? It's Cheese's little brother, dude.

A little Cheese?! "Little Cheese.

" I like it.

- [DOG GRUNTING]

- Jim! Good to see you, too, boy! That's Runaway Jim, a stray dog who follows Phish on tour.

Jim doesn't like anyone but Cheese.

[GROWLS]

He's actually kind of a d*ck.

Uh-oh, we got another stray dog.

Oh, my God! Bad Wook! Git! What the hell was that?! That's a "Wookie" or "Wook," a feral hippie always trying to mooch.

Don't confuse them with "woks.

" Those are non-feral non-hippies used to cook stir-fry.

What's she doing? The finger means she's looking for a "miracle," a free ticket.

I'd give her mine, but then I'd need a miracle, and I don't know if there's another me out there to give me one.

In the middle of the night Whoa, that guy's awesome! No.

That man is a "custie.

" Short for "customer.

" A rich dude who tries to buy his way into the scene.

- He's human garbage.

- [VEHICLE ALARM CHIRPS]

Hello there, Mr.

Cheese.

Might I still be able to purchase one of your famous parking lot sandwiches? b*at it, custie! We don't need your one-percent, Wall Street, Scrooge McDuck money! [LAUGHTER]

Nice, Cheese! I run a charity that gives puppies to disabled kids.

Screw off, money sl*ve! Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Little Cheese b*rned that custie so hard! He's totally one of us! Not the blue elixir on the red brain.

We tried that combo! Six hours, and we haven't solved a single damn puzzle! Huh, this restraint chair is actually pretty comfy.

Ooh, so is this bloody table.

Maybe we should relax a bit.

Ever since I won that coupon, it's been go, go, go.

Why are we in such a rush? Let's enjoy where we are.

[ALL SIGH]

ESCAPE ROOM LADY: Stuck on the beaker puzzle? How about a hint? We paid to get in here.

Why are you so focused on getting us out? Because it's an escape room.

We are escaping.

From our humdrum furniture at home.

So, what'd you think of your first Phish show, Little Cheese? Well, I didn't enjoy it as much as that girl on molly who kept trying to kiss the music.

But I'm in love with Shakedown Street.

[HISSING]

Oh! Wha What's that? That's the hiss of the Nitrous Mafia, a violent drug g*ng that controls the sale of nitrous oxide balloons.

[LAUGHING]

Even rainbows have shadows.

I don't know if that's true.

The Nitrous Mafia is here for money, not music.

And they force small mom-and-pop nitrous dealers out of business.

Promise me you'll stay away from them.

Fine.

I promise.

Well, it's time to go anyway.

What if we don't go home? What if we follow the band on tour? I don't know if I could pretend to be a duck in every city in America.

You wouldn't have to.

In my business class, I learned how to invest "capital" in an "industry.

" You talkin' like a custie right now! No, no, no, no, no! I just mean if we get enough ingredients to make twice as many grilled cheeses, we could use the profits to go to every show.

I'm in! I should probably tell Hayley I won't be back for three months.

But I can do that after.

It's working, Steve.

I've never seen this many rumpled-up dollar bills in my life! Hooray for the Grilled Cheese Brothers! [CROWD CHEERING]

- - I got a hot cheese for Moonbeam! We should start taking last names.

[DRUMMING]

So, you goin' to Red Rocks? We're thinking about introducing a four-cheese blend there, if that moves the needle for you.

[BANGS ON DRUM]

Well, going on tour was a dream come true.

But now that it's over, I'll need to think of new dreams.

And new come trues.

Grilled Cheese Bros! See you at the Phish festival? What festival? You gotta go, L.

C.

! Camping, artwork, 80,000 people sharing like 10 porta potties.

- Well, then, of course I'm going! - [CHEERING]

Little Cheese, I love you, man! I'm starting to come down.

Sorry, Little Cheese, but festivals are way out of our price range.

But Mars is going! And Tela! And Bill Walton! Let's just go home and do brother stuff there.

Like wait for our parents to die then fight over their money.

Yeah, I guess we can't afford the festival.

That's the spirit! [HISSING]

[LAUGHING]

[BUBBLING]

[DART STABS]

[PING-PONG BALL CLACKING]

You suck at teeny tiny tennis.

Big Daddy is the teeny tiny man.

ESCAPE ROOM LADY: [OVER SPEAKER]

You have to try to escape the room.

It's been weeks.

You said take as much time as we need, and time we are taking.

I know you're running out of food.

Fine.

Let's negotiate.

Okay.

What will it take for you to leave - Tom, now! - Delivery! [CACKLES]

I'm more brilliant than Dr.

Insane-o himself.

You'll never get us out.

We're gonna die in here.

[LAUGHTER]

[DOOR CLOSES]

I'm not gonna lie, I'm excited to get home and start pooping indoors again.

I know how to pay for the festival.

We'll franchise Grilled Cheese Brothers.

I got a loan from the Nitrous Mafia to Nitrous Mafia?! You made a brother promise you'd stay away.

Come on, Jeff.

We're not really brothers.

You and me having the same unshakeable bond as Luke and Owen Wilson? Please.

- Oh.

- Anyway, here's all the bread and cheese I bought with the loan.

[SNORING]

[BELCHES]

Oh, crap, Wooks raided the van! The Nitrous Mafia's gonna k*ll me if I don't pay them back! They were very specific about that! Seems like you got yourself into quite the predicament.

H-How are the Grilled Cheese Brothers gonna solve this one? Oh, so now we're brothers again? You mean that thing I said about not being brothers? Brothers say mean stuff to each other.

d*ck? You're right.

I'll go talk to them.

[JEFF SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

STEVE: Phew.

Jeff's got it covered.

[CLANK]

- Aah! - [WIND HOWLS]

[BALLOON THUDDING]

"We're keeping your brother until he works off your debt.

" What have I done?! [SUCKS NITROUS]

[GIGGLES]

[THUD]

[BALLOON DEFLATES]

[STEVE SOBBING]

In the middle of the night Hello, fellow fan.

Why so blue? The Nitrous Mafia is forcing Jeff to sell nitrous at the festival until he pays off my debt.

Harsh toke.

- Am I using that right? - Kind of.

Well, I'm goin' if you want a lift.

Not in a million years, custie! [DOOR CLOSES]

Yes, thank you so much.

You think you're better than everyone else with your fancy R.

V.

?! You are.

This is exquisite.

[HISSING]

Usually the Nitrous Mafia sells gas in the parking lot.

[HISS]

But today we're all selling gas [HISS]

inside the concert venue.

How about I hang back and tie-dye the g*ng's sweatpants? How about you [HISS]

get me my money?! [GASPS]

So how are we getting the nitrous tanks past security, boss? Who said anything about [HISS]

tanks? [NITROUS FLOWING]

JEFF: Now I get what the mean nitrous man meant when he said, "Who said anything about tanks?" It was actually pretty clever.

I just want to check in, Stan.

You're really sticking on 11? - Like glue, my man.

- Hello.

Thanks, I'll take an 18-year Macallan on the rocks.

[CHIP CLINKS]

We haven't been able to book this room for a month.

We're closing.

A server farm is taking over our lease.

[WHEELS CREAKING]

Don't bite on this, g*ng.

It's classic Insane-o trickery.

You do realize there is no Dr.

Insane-o, right? But there is an Ernie.

He's VP of tech.

You'll liaise with him from now on.

[SERVERS WHIRRING]

So Ernie's bringing my Macallan, then? Ooh, it's getting kinda hot in here.

I'll tell you who's sweatin' Dr.

Insane-o.

This is so desperate.

[LOCK CLACKS]

[PANTING]

We'll take that hint now! Come on, we're gonna die in here! ESCAPE ROOM LADY: [OVER SPEAKER]

Isn't that what you said you wanted? [CACKLES]

Don't you see, Stan? The Escape Room Lady she's Dr.

Insane-o.

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYS]

"Twilight Zone" moment! [GROANS]

[THUD]

[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]

Festivals are so neat.

Shut up, Custie! I gotta find Jeff before he's arrested for selling balloons! - - [METAL DETECTOR SQUEALS]

Oh, man, if I get caught with all this nitrous, I'm so screwed! Hold up! You lost a little air.

Let me top you off.

I'm a cool security guard.

[SUIT HISSES]

[GIGGLES]

[THUD]

Weird, no one down there's selling nitrous balloons.

Weirder, buncha people wearing Plokémon suits.

The Nitrous Mafia aren't selling balloons.

They are the balloons.

But which one's Jeff? Runaway Jim! He's only horny for Jeff's leg.

- So that must be Jeff.

- Shut up, Custie! JEFF: Not now, Jim! I don't want you mixed up in all this.

[HISS]

[GIGGLES]

Jeff! We gotta get you out of here before you get arrested.

Not until I pay back the Nitrous Mafia or we'll be looking over our shoulder for the rest of our lives! Then let's bust 'em right now.

Officers! Everyone wearing a Plokémon suit is a nitrous dealer.

You gotta catch 'em all! [Kn*fe CLICKS, HISS]

Oh, yeah.

That's the real deal.

[DRUMS ON CHEST]

Freeze, Plokémen! We know you're all made of dr*gs! Nitrous Mafia! Initiate helium escape protocol! [HISSING]

[GRUNTS]

JEFF: The Nitrous Mafia's getting away! Phish fans unite! [THUDDING]

Right.

Phish fans don't own any sharp stuff.

[WIND BLOWS]

Ah.

The only thing that can stop the Mafia now is a miracle.

A miracle! A miracle! TOGETHER: A miracle! [THUNDER RUMBLES]

[LIGHTNING BUZZING, SCREAMING]

[SQUEAK!]

- Whoo! - Whoo-hoo! Yeah! I was wrong about you, Big Cheese.

Only a real big brother would risk himself to help his dumb little brother out of trouble.

Thanks, Little Cheese.

Let's go home.

Orrrrr should us brothers split the acid I've been saving in my pocket all tour? That's all you, big bro.

Good, 'cause I already took both doses and I'm banana monkey bingo foot.

May I have this darnce, Madam Eucalyptus? [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Bye-bye! See you soon!