16x13 - Stan & Francine & Stan & Francine & Radika

[bunniefuu]

Can I pour you some more wine? It comes from the grape region of France.

I think you'll find it pairs well with food.

Jeff, I've had cooked fish in sauce before.

But this? This is special.

And served with rice! Thanks.

It's my mother's recipe.

She was from the old country Florida.

We thought it would be nice to have you guys over for a dinner party.

After all, you two have hosted us for several thousand meals.

We were nothing like this when we were first newlyweds.

It's true.

I had to reform your mother's party girl ways.

That's not how it was.

Your father was hopeless when I met him.

The house had no furniture.

He used a sock for underwear.

And for a napkin, he used whichever sock he wasn't using as underwear.

Well, I wasn't exactly hopeless young C.

I.

A.

agent in my prime? I was a physical specimen.

Firm chest.

Chestnut buttocks.

And my penis? A muscled servant ready to obey my every command.

Dad! I'm sorry, Hayley, but these are facts.

Francine was lucky she locked me down when she did.

That's not what you said at the time.

Remember the night of the placemats conversation? Of course.

That was the night I won the big argument.

I won the argument, Stan.

The sweet man I married admitted I was right.

We should have placemats.

Please.

I remember exactly how it happened.

- We were in the living room.

- Show me.

Show me exactly.

Maybe that'll jog your thick memory.

Was it my food? Did you have to serve your mom's Florida Cursed Fish with Argument Sauce? Good morning, USA I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA This was you "I'm lucky to have a guy like you, Stan.

Thanks for putting up with me even when I'm being ridiculous!" No.

No! It was more like, "Francine, I've got a lot to learn, "but you're the best thing in my life, and I just want to make you happy.

" That does not sound like me.

I remember it exactly.

You were standing right over there.

You know what? There's a simple way to settle this.

Time travel.

Oh, I wish I had a time machine right now, so I could fast-forward to when we get to the C.

I.

A.

's time machine, and I'm proven right.

Francine, it's like a nine-second drive.

Can't believe Hayley and Jeff are having a dinner party the same night as mine.

You could've invited them anyway.

No, they bring nothing to the conversation.

They're zeroes.

Is anyone else even coming to this party? Of course! Jurgen, Danuta, my various boys.

Roger even RSVP'd "maybe.

" - Where is everybody? - They're coming! They're just running late.

Traffic is solid orange.

Well, I'm starving.

I'm digging into whatever these fried balls are.

Ugh.

Klaus, what is in this? Skittles.

Blue package.

Do you always park here? Yeah.

I did it once, and it just kind of became my thing.

I got the machine.

You know, it's interesting.

We've had the tech for years, but Bullock insisted we keep refining it till it was small enough to fit in a chimpanzee's assh*le.

- Why? - That's how big he wants everything.

- So, where's the machine? - It's in my butt.

Does it have to be there to work? Hmm.

I guess not? Did you? Yeah, yeah.

I washed it.

Yeah.

So, the argument happened the night when Rachel on "Friends" turned 30.

At least we can agree on that.

Thursday nights back then, we'd go over to Tuttle's.

He's our oldest friend.

We'd watch "Friends," "Inside Schwartz," then we'd change the channel to watch "Temptation Island" until Tuttle would say he was too horny, and the show was making him uncomfortable.

Then, we'd change the channel to "ER," calm him down, and go home.

Now, if we're traveling in time, we can't let our younger selves see us.

We could really mess up the time stream create alternate futures, that kind of thing.

The president is a dinosaur, there's no Sinbad.

In that case, I would hope President Brontosaurus would appoint a new Sinbad.

So, we go upstairs, beam to that very night, right after "ER" ends, wait for our young selves to come in, watch the argument, figure out who's right, and then jump back to the future for the apologies and the apology cake.

Apology cake? Oh, you'll be baking one.

The cake can be any flavor.

The point's more the humiliation.

Oh, you're gonna be the one humiliated, Stan.

Fire that thing up, and let's go.

Wow.

Remember this? That poster was so cool.

Never saw the film.

Shh! I hear ourselves.

Should we find a better place to hide? There's no time.

Wow.

I just love that show.

Imagine having five friends! You have friends, Stan! I have three d*ck and Sanders.

Tuttle.

And, well, I also have my best friend you, Francine.

You know, I noticed Tuttle's placemats.

I used to think they were just for show-offs.

Now, I see they're an important part of crumb management.

You were right, Francine.

We should buy some placemats.

Aww, Stan.

I already did.

Hey, roomies! What are you spying on? Ahhhhhh! Oh, right.

Our roommate, Radika.

She was always doing laundry at the most inconvenient times.

Ugh.

Could this be any worse? Let's all put our g*ns away.

We're you from the future.

We traveled in time, and did everything perfectly.

Except we forgot about Radika, the tenant who used to rent what's now Steve and Hayley's rooms.

Who are Steve and Hayley? Who's this old lady? Please, honey.

We look basically exactly the same.

Also, that hair doesn't work for you the way you think it does.

sh**t 'em, Stan! sh**t 'em! Hang on.

Hang on.

Nobody needs to sh**t anybody.

We time traveled here from the future, using C.

I.

A.

technology, to settle an argument.

Francine, I'd die to protect you, but this guy's story checks out.

Radika, all this is kind of an American thing you wouldn't understand.

I'm from Ohio! Do I need to k*ll Radika? No, no.

It's okay.

Radika, does this honestly seem like something you want to be involved with? Bye, Radika! You know, I always had a little thing for Radika.

So, you two came back in time to settle an argument? And great news, I and therefore you were right! Of course we were.

We're friggin' Francine.

Maybe you were right on the details and the facts, but bigger picture, I couldn't be more right.

Look at this fine chunk of manflesh.

You were lucky to lock this down, Francine.

Uh, 'scuse me? This ain't exactly nothin'! Yeah, show her, Francine! Stan, look at that fine ass and apologize.

You want me to look at it? At least enough to be polite.

As long as you guys are here, shall we rip a pitcher of Franny's Crazy 'Ritas? They're called "crazy" 'cause I put so much alcohol and pills in 'em.

Girl, I was you, I remember you, and I love you.

Gah, feel how firm this couch is! You need to savor this.

Over the years, it gets kind of old and worked in.

A lot of things get kind of old and worked in.

Excuse me? You know what, Stan? As long as I'm back here, I'm gonna go to Buckaroo's Pizza one last time.

Appreciate that place.

It's about to close.

Oh, no! What happens to Martino? [Bleep]

if I know.

When I get back, Stan, I hope you're ready to apologize.

Me, too.

Dude, you're not gonna accompany your lady? Nah.

I'm gonna sit here and enjoy the former firmness of the couch, then maybe play some Jurassic Park pinball.

Great game.

Never saw the movie.

Roger, Klaus is losing it.

No one's coming to his party.

I'm paralyzed! Because he's Klaus, I know no one else will show up.

So that means I don't have to come in a persona.

I can come as myself.

But who is that, Steve? What does that mean? I don't know how Roger dresses.

I don't know how Roger acts.

I I don't know Roger! Roger.

Roger.

We can do this.

Because you know who this is? This vulnerable guy I'm talking to? That's Roger.

Roger's bald? So, I don't know if you're allowed, but can you tell me anything about the future? Oh, you've got lots of stuff to look forward to.

We go to Korea to investigate rumors of a reinvented Noah's Ark.

You bring James Garfield back to life.

You become a horse briefly.

There's a salt mine in our backyard.

Do Do we have any kids? Oh, yeah! We also have a talking fish named Klaus, and an alien named Roger lives with us.

There's a koala named Reginald for a while.

Forget what happens to him.

And then, there's Rogu, who kind of came off of Roger.

So, Rogu is Roger's baby? Not in the traditional sense, but he does breastfeed him.

So, I gotta say, I'm kind of liking the sloppy, older thing you got going on, Old Stan.

- Oh, yeah? - There's no term for this, but I've always been into the bods of dads.

- "Dad bod.

" - Oh, my God, that's so funny.

You're so funny.

You are a dad, aren't you? Did you knock me up, Stan? I sure did.

We have a daughter, Hayley, and Don't tell me their names.

I don't wanna hear the names.

Just tell me you knocked me up real good.

Maybe you shouldn't get so close.

Old Francine's already pretty mad at me.

She'll be even madder if she heard me call her "Old Francine.

" That better be our little secret, then.

Maybe we should have other secrets.

We could even get Radika in the mix fully clothed and completely off-limits to you, of course, but she'd be in the mix.

Francine, I know all I ever talk about is how I'm gonna k*ll O*ama b*n L*den, but I'm also full of a lot of love.

And just as much as I want to k*ll him, I love you.

Whatever I did that you're mad at me about in the future, I apologize.

You were right, and I'm sorry.

You're gonna have a great life.

Enjoy every second of it.

Is that Radika? Get in here, girl! What the? I should've known! You! How could I not see that coming? You pulled a classic separation move on me! I taught us that to use against others! We never made that deal! Share your man! Are Are you mad about this, me? Not really.

I mean, if you're me, then I'm about to have sex for the eighth time! That's a healthy attitude.

Wanna come over here and give me a double extra good-time, Stanning? See if you can make your wangs meet in the middle.

Staniel, may I see you in the kitchen? - Which one of - You! I can't believe you.

Cheating on me the first second you get a chance? Yeah, but cheating on you with you.

That's romantic.

I have an idea.

What if both Francines cool off with a hot steamy shower You know what? If you love the past so much, you can stay here until you've learned your lesson.

Why don't you keep him if you want him so much, young me? I'm going back to the present.

Wait, Francine.

You can't leave two Stans here in one timeline.

What if we kiss, and can't stop kissing? Fine.

I'm taking the Stan I like better.

Goodbye, Stan.

Okay.

Alright.

No problem.

I still have you in your prime.

Now, where were we? Actually, some of the stuff old me was saying sounded kind of bad.

Don't listen to her.

She's crazy.

- She's me! - I-I meant crazy in a cool way.

"Cool Runnings.

" Is that from now? I'd be pretty mad if you slept with 20-years-ago me.

- She'd be 8.

- Exactly, you perv! I'm gonna crash at Trish's until I find my own place.

Good luck, Stan.

Santa? Oh.

Mr.

and Mrs.

S.

You decided to return for hookah, figs, and apricot brandy.

Hayley, your father and I went back in time to settle our argument, but then, your dad acted like a jackass, so I left him back there, and gave myself an upgrade.

Meet your new dad, Young Dad.

- Whoa.

- Hi.

You're my daughter? You messed with the time stream? I feel myself fading away! Jeff, that doesn't make sense.

Dad's not your dad.

But how come I still exist? You're already conceived, somewhere back there.

In that case, I'm good.

Nice to meet you, Young Dad.

What's your favorite band? Tie Evanescence and Wheatus.

We're gonna be alright.

Now, because we did mess up time, I'm not sure if Steve will still be here, which means you'll have to be the one who remembers the wi-fi password.

Steve! This is a young version of your dad.

He'll be your new father.

Wait.

Does this mean I won't exist? Either we'll eventually conceive you, or you'll start to fade away into non-existence as time changes.

Well, at least that would get me out of Klaus' dinner party.

- Who's Klaus again? - Don't worry about Klaus.

Klaus is nobody.

Well, Young Dad, allow me to introduce you to Roger.

Hi.

I'm Roger.

Stan, you're gonna meet me in Utah about 12 years ago, my past, your future.

We made a beautiful sound together.

Was that a space alien? Who could that be? Oh, hey, Radika.

Sorry it's a little messy in here.

I'm just going hog on the bachelor lifestyle.

So, it's looking like Francine's not coming back, huh? What's it been, like, two months? Two months, six days.

Yeah, don't think she's coming.

But it's cool.

I'm enjoying all this.

Plus, I'm about to win big gambling.

I know the Cincinnati Bagels win the Super Bowl one of these years.

- The Bengals? - Yeah, maybe.

Well, I'm sure you'll find someone else.

You're a catch, Stan.

Thanks.

But it's just so hard to meet new people, Radika.

Pssh, you're telling me.

Flips it downfield! Knocked away! Somewhere inside me, I think I always knew this was right.

Me too, Stan.

There's so much I love about you.

And the things I don't love I know I can fix.

Because you don't need placemats! Why would we have something we don't need? Why did I think this was a good idea? My mother warned me.

Why did I marry an old C.

I.

A.

agent who spent all of our savings betting on the Cincinnati Bengals to win the Super Bowl?! They win one of these years, I swear! I remember tears of joy on Carson Palmer's face! He was kissing his little boy.

This isn't working out, Stan.

- Fine.

- Fine! Maybe I messed up when I lost Francine.

Maybe she was the best thing that ever happened to me.

No, no, no.

I'm fine.

I'm still a cool single guy! You know, I always regretted never doing a year as a ski bum.

Maybe I'll try that.

So, are you interested in buying this one, or? Nah.

Motorcycles aren't for me.

Way too dangerous.

Cool.

You're all set.

Have a great day on the mountain.

Gustin.

Marlowe.

Gustin! I didn't buy you two $400 Helly Hanson jackets so you could just sit in the lodge.

- Let's move.

- Roger? Hmm? You're confused.

I'm Doctor Steele Birchington, Houston cardiac surgeon.

I've put in over 600 stents.

Gustin! Gustin, stay in line.

No, Roger, it's me, Stan.

You don't know me yet, or maybe we never met, but God, it's so good to see a friend! What're you talking about? You know what? What'd you say your name is? Stan? I'm ready for a change.

What's your thing, old man? You're too old to be a ski bum.

Yeah, I was thinking about starting a coffee shop.

Maybe learn guitar.

I'm in.

Goodbye, kids.

Tell your mother I was sleeping with Paolo from photography class.

Gonna take some time to do the things We never haa-aa-aad! Stan, we're locking in on a sound, here.

We could be a credible Toto cover band.

No.

No.

This isn't right.

We're sounding better than ever, but nothing feels right.

I blew it when I lost Francine.

What're you talking about? You've got Amanda now.

It's not the same.

I've been going through life with nothing to keep me company but regret.

Uh, okay.

Is there any way to fix my life? And so, I waited until now, Francine.

Life was so dreary without you.

Sure, I got to witness the 2008 Olympic opening ceremonies again.

Incredible, Francine, the precision.

But it wasn't worth it.

Life without you was hollow.

I had years to think on it.

I realized that, maybe, just maybe, if I could wait until tonight the very night when we went back in time because of my stupid pride maybe there'd be a chance to salvage some of my life.

So, you relived the last 20 years? Not quite.

Young Francine left me.

She married Principal Lewis.

Ooh, nice.

And she had this great group of girlfriends, too.

If one of them needed something, the other ones were, like, always there.

They were, like, closer than sisters.

There was some drama when Lillian was getting married again, and it was like, "Does she deserve a second bachelorette" No! What's happening? I heard something, so I started sh**ting.

That's you! This beautiful, special woman is yours now, young Stan.

Don't make the mistake I did.

Don't live your life full of regret.

Oh, Stan! No.

No.

This isn't right.

We can't let this happen to this pathetic old man.

Where are we going? Back in time.

Guests! People came! And look at you, Roger.

What outrageous persona are you presenting? Klaus, I'd like you to meet Roger.

Hi.

I'm Roger.

I like baseball and musicals.

Nice to meet you, Roger.

I'm so sorry we're late, Klaus.

Traffic was solid orange.

I can't believe this.

People came! Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to someone.

This is Demetrius Fitzpatio, chiropractor to the stars! Who am I? Oh, I wish I had a time machine right now, so I could fast-forward to when we get to the C.

I.

A.

's time machine, and I'm proven right.

Francine, it's like a nine-second drive.

- Ahhh! - Looking for this? Don't do it, Stan.

Let go of your pride.

It's not worth losing Francine over.

Don't worry, sweetie.

I'm you.

We're doing great.

You win the argument.

Appreciate what you have, Stan.

Do you know what that was about? No.

But you know what? Maybe we don't go back in time.

I'm sure you were right.

Whatever happened in the past, it brought us here.

That's right.

And it's pretty nice, isn't it? It's beautiful.

Did you know Klaus was also having a dinner party tonight? Mother[bleep]

didn't invite us! We could go back and ruin it.

Beats Jeff's figs.

That's not dessert.

Bye! Have a beautiful time!