16x20 - Cry Baby

[bunniefuu]

And that's when I realized I didn't like the taste of ratatouille But I did like the taste of rat! [LAUGHTER]

Oh, man, I love the C.

I.

A.

! Name another job where you sit around with your friends and just laugh all day! Can it, chuckle buddies! I need someone who can cry for a mission, so we're having a crying contest! Why do we need to cry on a mission? One of you will go undercover to an enemy operative's funeral, act sad, and seduce his widow to get intel.

What kind of intel, sir? State secrets, Bolognese recipes.

I'm just hungry for info! My mom makes a pretty good sauce.

Great! Seduce her and get the recipe.

On it! Cry? A baby could do that.

Then prove it, Smith! Everyone, think sad thoughts! Lost pets.

Dead birds.

Being too short to go on Mr.

Toad's Wild Ride.

Oh, God, I'm close.

Come on! No one leaves until I see one of you big men cry.

Hooper, sh**t me in the leg.

I always cry when I get sh*t.

Oh, yeah, here come the waterworks! Yes, Jackson! Real tears! Huzzah and shazam! With this leather jacket, I hereby name you Agent Cry Baby.

I did it, sir! This isn't a recipe for Bolognese.

It's a slice of bologna! This is useless to me! I hope you pleased your mother more than me.

Good morning, U.

S.

A.

I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.

S.

A.

Aah! Good morning, U.

S.

A.

Carol, grab a seat.

I'll get you a yogurt.

Morning, everyone! Steve, are you banging an old lady? What? No! This is Carol.

She's from the Best Boy Award committee.

The Best Buy Best Boy Award?! Handed out every year to the best boy in the best country as determined by the best company, Best Buy?! With almost the best prices? Yep! I'm one of two finalists.

Carol is my official Best Boy observer.

Her report is the final determination before the award is presented next weekend.

My boy the Best Boy as determined by Best Buy! Carol, help me set my sky-high expectations even higher.

- Does he have a chance? - Per Best Buy rules, observers are not allowed to comment.

But I will say this He's basically a lock! Actually, I kind of hope I lose.

Why? The other finalist is this kid Brett Robert.

He's come in second the last three years.

Imagine how it would feel to get that close and not win.

I have a lot of empathy for him.

- Explain.

- Explain empathy? - Please.

- Have you ever looked at someone and felt like you understood exactly what they were going through? Yes.

Olympic athletes.

But only when they win gold.

Say you were watching the Olympics and someone broke their leg and couldn't finish.

Maybe you'd feel their disappointment like it was your own? That's empathy.

Gross.

To the concept and the broken leg.

I'm picturing a compound fracture with the bone sticking out.

Ew, with lots of blood? Stop being gross, Steve.

It's just Brett Robert is a great boy.

A-A-And he'll be so hurt if if he doesn't Wait, empathy is crying? I need to do that for work! Steve, teach me how to empathy! Okay, I guess.

Teaching his father empathy?! I wish I was allowed to share my feelings about this perfect boy! But I swore an oath to the CEO of Best Buy on a DVD three-pack of "Die Hard," "Little Women," and "The Natural.

" - You wanted to see me, Roger? - Yes.

As you know, last year was a disaster for my business.

Your fruit leather belt company? No, no, that's thriving.

I'm talking about my air-conditioning business.

Last summer, I got a little careless.

Damaged some property.

I need your help typing up a letter to win my clients back.

I can't touch the keyboard.

My hands are too sticky with belt fruit.

Sit down.

Okay, "Dear HVAC customers.

If you're reading this, I'm already dead.

" No, that's too much.

Here's a hypothetical.

What would happen if I quit? Then Brett would have to be Best Boy, right? Wow! If you quit so another boy could win, you'd be guaranteed to win! Oh, my God, this boy.

I've seen all I need! [CHUCKLES]

Good luck teaching Stan empathy! Okay, I'm ready for my crying lessons.

Do I scrunch my face like this, or? You're not here to learn how to cry, Dad.

You're here to learn empathy.

We already know you can't empathize with strangers.

I thought we'd see if you could empathize with someone you know.

And you know one very sad person.

Why would I feel bad for d*ck? Well, we've been talking about how pathetic he is for five minutes, and he's pretending he can't hear us.

I'm just happy for the company.

My girlfriend turned out to be a catfish.

Not an MTV Catfish.

A literal catfish, Stan.

He's dating a fish.

That doesn't break your heart even a little? Some comfort here I'm Sarah McLachlan, and you can save these animals from abusers.

All those poor puppies? - Nothing?! - Nothing.

This song is a banger, by the way.

I could [BLEEP]

to this.

Okay, I want to unlock your empathy, but I don't think I can.

Maybe we should try a doctor.

But which one? We know so many.

We do know a lot of different doctors.

But I'm thinking we start with It's a very quick fix.

I'll simply need to stimulate your Super Marginal Gyrus! Please mark your forehead for the drill.

[DRILL WHIRRING]

I'm thinkin' we try a different doctor.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[CHUCKLES]

Stay still, you wiggle worm! Sorry, Dr.

Ray is out dead today.

Do you know when he'll be alive? Hmm, no.

Do we know more doctors? "Do we know more doctors?" Listen to this guy! - - [GRUNTING]

- - [GIGGLING]

There was nothing funny about that guy.

Weird one to end on.

Ugh.

We need a new doctor.

- Did you say new doctor? - The world is a pretty cool place.

New e-mail! Drop everything! It's from that awful air-conditioning guy I used last year.

"Dear HVAC customer.

" Hey, that's me! "I was inspired to write this after a difficult run "for my business last summer.

"Why was it so difficult? "Maybe it was my attitude, maybe it was yours.

"Maybe it was the fact "that I put my foot through some ceilings.

But I always fixed it.

" "And now I know what I need to do to win back your business.

" - Free repair? - "An overly personal e-mail.

" Even better! So, new doctor, what kind of doctor are you? No specialty! I can take your temperature.

I can do CPR.

Oh! And I've got a knee knocker! Want me to give 'em a knock? - See if they kick? - No thanks.

We're actually trying to help my dad access his empathy.

Mm, yes, I think I can help.

I'm trained in something called Rapid Eye Movement Therapy.

I wave my hand around, your dad watches and voilà ! Okay.

Here it is! Empathy.

That's a left, a left, a right, a left Down, up, loop-de-loop, and up and down.

One more loop and a hang loose! Knee knock! [SNIFFLES, CRIES]

Oh, my God, it's working! But why are you crying? It's just the end of "Cars 2.

" I finally get it.

The cars, they love each other! There I am, surrounded by the enemy.

If I don't cry, I'm dead.

What'd you do, Cry Baby? Just squoze out one of these bad boys.

- Oh! - Wow! You're such a good crier, dude.

Jackson! I challenge you to a cry-off! Oh, goodie! There's nothing I love more than men with wet, wet faces! - [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

- Cry at him, J-bird! Show him how real men cry, Jackson! Am I the only one rooting for Stan? [SHOUTING CONTINUES]

Enough playing around.

Hey, d*ck, how's your love life? Not great, Stan.

I'm dating another catfish.

[SIGHS]

I gotta stop going to the river.

d*ck, that's so sa-sasa-sad! [SOBBING]

- Hoorah! - Yes! You win, Stan.

She's yours now.

Jackson, are you okay? Just a little bummed.

I liked being Agent Cry Baby.

I won.

Why do I feel sad? Steve, I smoked Jackson in the cry-off! Check it out! But then something weird happened.

Jackson was upset.

And now I'm upset just thinking about it! That's good, Dad.

That's empathy.

But I wanna cry and be happy, not cry and be sad.

Listen, why don't we go get you a nice piece of fish? Maybe take your mind off it.

Something's going on with Stan.

- [CRYING]

- Uh, Dad? Is the salmon okay? Are you kidding me?! This is the best salmon I've had in my life! [SOBBING]

Oh, God, I can taste the sea! Okay, you're a little emotional.

Let's take a walk, see if we can get you to stop crying at everything.

Can I take the rest to go? I don't want the chef to think I didn't like it.

Son, as you'll grow older You'll find someone who is dear Just stick by her Take care of her and you will never hear See the big man cry, mama That's what I heard him say - See the big man cry, mama - He looks like his heart will break What are we doing here? I think I made a mistake.

That must feel awful! Thank God.

Please tell me you have a way to take away empathy.

My dad can't handle being like this.

Of course I do.

I call it a reverso.

They're like half my business.

I really shouldn't be messing with the human mind.

I don't understand it.

ROGER: "HVAC.

What does it mean? "Heating versus air conditioning, "the battle we are all fighting.

"But the battle I'm fighting is with my ex-wife, Regina.

"If that is her real name.

"Which I think it probably is.

"She was nothing if not honest.

"She left me when I was 29, and she took our kids "Socks, Sir Kittens, Beezus, and Garbanzo.

That's right.

Our kids have cats' names.

" Now that I'm back to normal, this salmon is not that great, huh? Glad you're feeling better.

And just in time for the Best Boy Award this weekend! That's this weekend?! I totally forgot about that! I think we all kind of lost track of it.

But now we remember.

And so do you.

Steve, I gotta ask.

The empathy.

Is that how you feel all the time? Uh kind of.

And the way I felt bad for Jackson, that's the way you'll feel for Brett Robert if you win? - Pretty much.

- I don't want you to go through that.

You know what? I'm gonna do you a huge favor.

It's okay.

I'm his father.

Do him, too.

- - Steve, now that you're empathy-free, are you gonna be able to wholeheartedly enjoy dominating that nerd Brett Robert? Hell, yeah, thanks to you! I can't wait to see that dork's face when I win.

I love that you don't feel bad for him.

You're bad to the bone now! Hey, Steve, I have some bad news.

Brett Robert's observation went very poorly.

He gave $5 to a homeless man, but when I asked for $5 to buy some Whip-Its, he said he was "all out.

" Hmm.

Sorry, you're definitely gonna win.

That's great news.

Steve? I'm Brett Robert.

Nice to meet you.

I hear I have my work cut out for me.

I'll say.

Just wanted to wish you good luck.

I'd wish you good luck, but it won't make a difference, Brent.

Ha! Yes! That's not his name.

Hey, Brent, here's a little preview of tonight.

It's what you're gonna see as I walk up to the podium to accept the award.

[CHUCKLES]

Watch where I'm going! [GASPS]

Trash talk?! What happened to my beautiful boy? Wait, he must be faking! Oh, he's not faking.

Yep, I got under his hood and made a few tweaks.

Now that engine is humming along empathy-free.

Why would you do that?! The real question is, "Why would I tell you?" And the answer is I have mercury poisoning because I pretended to smoke a thermometer like a cigarette, but the end was open.

"Look, I can't fix your life any more than I can fix mine.

"But I can fix your A/C.

"And I can fix your ceiling if I put my foot through it, "which I won't this time.

"Can you respect that? I love you.

" Wow.

57,000 words and every single one misspelled.

That's how you get your customers back.

I'm glad we got here so early.

There's nothing that beats shrimp in a carpeted hotel lobby without a kitchen in sight.

Everyone checking in, smelling my shrimp.

Oh, lookie here! Brent! Sit down! Uh, okay.

You look nervous, B.

You nervous about tonight? You're not gonna win.

I'm the one who should be nervous.

I'm about to be Best Boy.

Alright, I'm bored.

I'm gonna hit the steam room then watch some videos of fat people falling down.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Brett, would you mind covering your ears for a second? No problem! Carol, I couldn't help but notice that you haven't said what a great boy Steve is in a while.

That's because he's awful! I have to tell the committee that there's no way he can be Best Boy.

No, wait! There's got to be something I can do! You're welcome to sleep with me, but it won't change anything.

Then why would I? Whatever.

You can listen now.

Brett, do you ever feel like you really messed up with Steve? Um, no? I was trying to make him better, but somehow, I feel like I made him worse.

Well, if Steve's as good as they say, maybe you can remind him who he really is.

Sure, but who is he? He's the type of guy who feels bad for losers like you.

I know exactly how to remind him! You're not gonna like it.

But I know exactly how! [CELLPHONE BEEPS]

Hey.

I have a mission for the real Agent Cry Baby.

I've been waiting for this my whole three days! [DOORBELL RINGS]

Thanks for reading my e-mail and giving me a second chance.

Whaddya say we rip off the band-aid and start in the attic? - Just please be careful.

- Don't worry.

I'll keep it to the studs.

Now, which ones are the studs? That doesn't count.

That hole looked like a stud! Careful, Jeff, looks like the studs are reversed in this section.

There's no A/C unit in here.

Jeff, we gotta get outta here before Tuttle notices.

Run! Aah! These studs are thin as hell! Jeff, fire up your e-mail! We got a customer to win back! And now to present this year's Best Boy Award, five-time Best Boy and Best Buy fanatic Robert Wuhl! [APPLAUSE]

Good evening.

What does it mean to be Best Boy? [CHUCKLING]

Well, to me it means Steve, I just want to say, I'm sorry.

And don't worry, I have a plan to fix everything.

And that's what being Best Boy is all about.

And so, without any further ado, this year's Best Boy is Brett Robert! What the hell?! [APPLAUSE]

First, I'd like to say, Steve Smith, - you deserve this just - JACKSON: Wait! That's no Best Boy! Last night, Brett Robert came to my house and pushed my grandpa off the roof! [AUDIENCE GASPS]

Worst part is, gramps wasn't on the roof to begin with.

He lured him up there with licorice! How do we know you're telling the truth?! I have all the proof I need right here! [AUDIENCE GASPS]

A tear! He speaks true! Brett Robert cannot be Best Boy! But it's not true.

I Oh, God! I've lost everything! [WHEEZING, SOBBING]

Gotta feel a little bad for Brett here, huh? Who cares about him?! He loses, I win! - You're a genius! - No! That's not why I ruined his life! I did it so you'd feel bad for him and remember who you are! But you're trapped in there.

And the only way to bring you back is the Indiana Jones technique.

The Indiana Jones tech? [SCREAMING]

Wake up, Indy! Stop! I'm faking! - Faking? - Yes! I wanted Brett to win the whole time, and when you brought me to the new doctor, I realized I could pretend to be bad and Carol would believe it.

So you were fake gloating? I was hoping Carol would see me being a jerk and give it to Brett.

- Carol, is this true? - I don't know.

But after hearing this, I do know who the true Best Boy is Stan Smith! What?! No! I-I mean, I'm honored, but give it to Brett.

No, Stan.

When you b*rned your son with that torch, that's when I knew you were special.

Besides, I don't know how you knew, but I do like pushing old people off roofs.

It's fun.

And I'm not gonna stop.

Don't you see, Dad? You tried to take away my empathy to protect me and then you tried to give it back.

Also to protect me.

And that is what truly makes a Best Boy.

Then I am the Best Boy! And here's your prize.

A DVD three-pack of "Wildcats," John Grisham's "The Client," and "A Beautiful Mind.

" I-I'm sorry, what connects those three movies? The packaging! But there's one thing I don't understand.

Why didn't the doctor's hand- movement therapy work on you? I think maybe it was because I was still unconscious from you clobbering me with that plate.

Ohh, that's why she said it wouldn't work.

I I thought she just had the new-doctor jitters.

What is going on with Stan? Have a great night!