05x15 - You Break My Heart

[bunniefuu]

I was thinking
how I keep waiting

for life to get easier.

You know, lower stakes,

less risk, more reward--
easier.

And I was thinking
that maybe...

It doesn't.

I was thinking that maybe

the struggle, the climb,
the one obstacle after another--

maybe...

That's just life.

(Firehorse)
♪ and the Western sun ♪

♪ was fighting for the sky ♪

♪ our bodies
weren't big enough ♪

(Amelia and Derek) Done.

88 seconds.

Mm.

Can I call Cooper now?

You can call Cooper now.

(Gasps)

♪ Our hearts ♪

♪ were on fire ♪

Nights when Lucas
stays with Pete

used to mean a long,
hot uninterrupted bath,

but this is so much better.
(Laughs)

(Chuckles) Yeah? Oh, well.

I'm gonna take
a half day tomorrow.

Oh, yay! (Laughs)

I'm gonna come home for lunch.
I'll see you then.

Actually, I was thinking,

maybe you'd bring Lucas
to the fire station.

That'd be the coolest place
he's ever been.

♪

That's really sweet.

Oh. (Chuckles)

(Laughs)

That was really dismissive.

That's not--
that's not how I meant it.

No? How--no, how did--
how did you mean it?

(Sighs)

Look, you make me happy,
Violet.

♪ Our hearts were on fire ♪

And I'm ready for this
to be more.

I want you to...
meet my friends.

I want to get to know
your son.

I want your toothbrush
in my bathroom.

I'm ready for it
to be real.

Is that what you want?

♪ And it burns in our bones ♪

Is it Pete?

I--Scott, I-I-I--
I like you.

I like this.

Yeah?

♪ Our hearts are on fire ♪

But... my life is--
it's--it's complicated.

Everyone's life
is complicated.

The questions, s, do you want
me to be a part of yours?

♪ Our hearts are on fire ♪

♪ yes, our hearts
are on fire ♪

(Sheldon)
How are you feeling now?

Good. Really good.

And I'm so grateful.

I was a zombie,
and you woke me up.

Well, the wrong medication
can make everything worse,

but now that the fog
has lifted,

we can work toward
a proper diagnosis.

Well, today, right now,
I-I feel normal.

I got up at 6:00,
I did a load of Sam's laundry,

I alphabetized
his bookshelves.

(Laughs) I don't know
about you, but I--

I hate when people's books are
just randomly stuffed in there,

and you're looking for one,
you can't find it. Okay.

(Laughs) Then--then I-I went
for a run,

and I looked at the ocean.

And I--and I didn't--
I didn't just stare at it.

I really--
I really saw it.

Well, that's a lot
for a morning.

Yeah. I-I have
20 years to make up for,

for myself
and for my brother.

I want us to be closer,
but...

I don't--I don't know
how to--

you can always
talk to me, Corinne,

always.

I'm just not sure
where to start

and what to leave out.

There's a lot
that I am not proud of.

Well, that was your past,
and perhaps,

as we get more comfortable,
we can address that.

Why don't we focus on
what's happening now?

I'm--I'm ready
to start over,

to have the kind of life
that everyone else has.

Well, that's something
to work toward.

Oh, that...

That sounds
oddly patronizing.

Whoa. Wait, wait.

You're saying, you don't think
that she can get there or...

It's important to understand
our limitations.

And that goes
for all of us.

You're not listening.

I'm not crazy.

This is me.
I'm--I'm back now.

And--and there's nothing
I can't do.

(Derek)
As Amy has told you,

gliosarcomas
are very aggressive tumors

that don't respond well
to treatment.

Then what's the plan?
(Amelia) We're going to insert

vascular balloons
into your brain

and bypass
the large blood vessel

that's infiltrated
by the tumor.

Our hope is to preserve
the healthy brain tissue

and remove the tumor.

What's the catch?

We only have 90 seconds
to do it.

What?

(Derek) After 90 seconds
with no blood,

Erica's brain tissue
starts to die.

We'd be causing a stroke.

(Charlotte) 90 seconds?

- Can you do that?
- (Amelia) Not alone.

But working together--

they've done it
in the practice suite twice.

- Twice.
- (Amelia) Twice so far.

And we'll keep practicing.
Erica, I'm not gonna lie to you.

This has never been done.
It's risky.

But I believe we can do it.

Maybe you want to take
a few more days to practice,

try and get that number up?

(Derek) Well, unfortunately,
time is critical.

We have to remove the tumor
before it gets too big.

- When?
- Today.

I'm s--you want to try
a surgery on me

that's never been successful

today?

And if you fail,
my brain dies.

That's what we're saying.

You have
two world-class surgeons

telling you
you have a chance.

Two days ago, you had none.

You have to take
that chance.

I need a day.

I have a son who's stuck
watching tv with a nurse

with no idea
what's happening, so...

(Clears throat)

I need a day.

Okay.

Book the O.R.

First thing tomorrow.

(Man) On my count.

One...

Dr. Bennett, we were
just watching tv,

and then all of a sudden, Gloria
couldn't catch her breath.

Sudden onset of dyspnea.

No associated chest pain
or palpitations.

Tachy at 120.

Cardiac panel, enzymes,
portable chest.

She's also
30 weeks pregnant.

What? She's pregnant?

She didn't want
to tell you.

That's because you knew
it wasn't supposed to happen.

I'm so sorry.
(Monitor beeping rapidly)

High-flow o-2, 100%.

Dr. Bennett,
what's going on?

She's in
congestive heart failure.

What are you doing here?

I'm the Murphys'
I.V.F doctor.

Dr. Reilly gave us
our baby.

Wait. What were you thinking?
You know how dangerous it is

for her to carry
a baby right now.

It was routine. There were
no contraindications.

Well, I gave her
a donor heart.

I started working with her
before I joined the practice.

She never
mentioned anything.

All right, well, don't you
do physical examinations

on your patients
before you knock 'em up?

I did a gynecological exam.
Gloria's was normal. She--

look, I expect my patients to be
forthright with their health.

All right? She wasn't.

Fine,
you can rely on whatev--

oh.

Am I interrupting?

Yes.
No. Jake did I.V.F.

On one of my
heart transplant patients.

Not knowingly.

Well, that is either crazy
or irresponsible.

Could you please back me up
on this?

I'm just--I just came
in to get a yogurt.

Oh, no, no. Addie--
weigh in on this.

I helped out a patient
who lied to me

that she had
no preexisting conditions.

That's after
he just happened to miss

the zipper scar right down
the middle of her chest.

I don't ask my patients
to disrobe entirely

when I'm doing a routine
fertility evaluation.

Do you? Do you want me to start?
Okay, okay, well--

well, maybe you should.

You know, it doesn't matter
how we got here.

What matters is keeping
your patient alive

and giving the baby
a fighting chance.

She's almost 30 weeks.
That's viable.

If we deliver now--
come on, we all know

that there's a big difference
between viable and healthy.

We can't wait.
We need to give this baby a chance.

Gloria could die.

She's persistently
hypotensive.

She could be rejecting
the donor heart.

There's a chance
it could be something else.

That is a chance that
I don't think we should take.

Sam's right.

You gonna eat that
or frame it?

It's a little thing called
attention to detail, my friend.

(Footsteps approach)

Oh, Violet, hello.
Hey.

Hi.
Hello.

I'm sorry.

I ju--I just need to get
that juice. Oops. (Laughs)

(Pete and Violet) Okay.

(Laughs) I'm in a rush.
Okay.

All right. See ya.

Uh-huh.

That wasn't awkward
at all.

You got it.

(Laughs)

Come on, dad. Charlotte
throws harder than you.

Come on. Less chatty,
more throwy.

(Thunder rumbling)

You know what? I think
it's gonna rain again.

I think we should go.

(Exhales deeply) We're not
scared of a little rain, are we?

It's more the thr*at
of pneumonia and lightning.

Mase, I think you right
be right.

Your dad might be a wuss.

(Laughs)
Go long.

Mom! Did you see that?!

(Laughs)

You all right?

(Cries) Would you be?

Mom, what's wrong?

Are you okay?

(Sniffles)

I'm not okay, honey.

I'm sick,

and I'm sure
you've noticed that.

And I should've
talked to you about it before

because...

I'm really sick.

What do you mean?

What's wrong with you?

(Crying)

There's a tumor
in her brain, Mason.

(Continues crying)

(Crying)

Mom...

Are you?

I hope not.

(Continues crying)

I really, really hope not.

How long
have you been sick?

(Continues crying)

A l-long time.

Why didn't you tell me?

Why didn't you tell me
you might die?

Mason...

Mason, we're doing
everything that we can, okay?

She should've told me!

Mason.

Here, I'll go. I'll go.

(Sobs)

(Knocks on doorjamb)

Hey. Uh, what were you
doing before?

What do you mean?

With Corinne. I thought
yo were being patronizing

and a little pessimistic.

No, Sam,
I was being realistic.

Corinne's behavior felt--

her speech was pressured,
she was highly energized,

and her thoughts
were expansive.

That's--that's Corinne.

That's also hypomania.

All right. So...

So she's a bit manic.

Which could easily precede
full-blown mania and, uh...

That's a freight train.

Well, at least
she's not depressed.

If my gut is right,
that'll happen later.

Well, then what
are you saying?

I'm not prepared
to confirm a diagnosis, Sam.

But it's very clear to me
that Corinne is sick,

probably since she was
a teenager.

And the last two decades
have been a spiral of descent.

Well, I didn't hear her
say that.

I'm trained to listen
to what isn't said.

My sister being happy isn't
a disease, Sheldon. It...

Look, when Corinne left,

even when it was bad,
she was my blood.

She was a huge part
of my life.

And when she walked out
that door...

A part of me d*ed,
and--and I buried it

along with--with all
my memories of her.

But now...

I don't know.

I-I-I think
that--that she is back.

My sister is back.

Well, Dr. Bennett thinks you
should have a c-section now.

No. It'll put the least amount
of strain on your heart.

No. It's too soon
for the baby.

Do you really think delivering
at 30 weeks is ideal?

Look, you're not wrong.

It will put your baby at risk
for developmental problems.

But waiting might not be a.

We've been through so much.
To...

To give up now

and just hope that
our premature baby survives...

We were wrong
to deceive you,

but no matter
what Dr. Bennett says,

we won't do a c-section.

Not now.

(Elevator bell dings)

(Womam speaks indistinctly)

Hey. Thanks.

Okay, so remember
I was telling you

about that sex I was having,

that unattached, x-rated,
filthy hot s--

s, I remember.

I think I may have
screwed it up.

Scott said he wants more.

What did you say?

Nothing.
And what did he say?

I just rolled on top of mm

and shut him up.

(Both laugh)

Interesting strategy.

I just... (Laughs)
I don't know what I want.

Yeah, join the club.

(Whispers)
I slept with Sam.

(Whispers) What?

(Normal voice) I w--I was
all jazzed up

about saving that baby,

and he was all spun out
about Corinne.

One thing led to another.

Are you guys getting
back together?

No.

Because you wanna
throw yourself at Jake again?

Oh, no, definitely not.

All I get from that guy
is frostbite.

(Clears throat) What about,
uh, you know,

what about you and Pete?

Ah. When I think about going ba,

I, you know,
he hasn't changed.

Nothing's changed,
so, no.

And a-as f s Scott,

look, look, I am a mother,
I have a full-time job.

I have no business

getting into a real
relationship with anybody.

Okay, but do you like him?

I mean, apart from
the filthy hot sex?

He's good.

He's kind.

He rubs my feet
when we watch tv.

Okay, there's nothing wrong
with having fun.

If that's what
feels right for you,

then don't change a thing.

(Corinne) Chocolate malted.

Uh, and a coffee, too,
please. Regular.

(Slurps)

(Chuckles)

Thank you.
Keep the change.

It's mom's favorite.

She's all right,
you know? Mom.

I was afraid to ask.

It's been so long,
I thought maybe she--

no, no, no, she's fine.

She's healthy, retired.

She's got a companion...
(Chuckles) Named James.

(Laughs)
Our mother is getting--

no. No, no, no. No.
(Laughs)

They just--they go out
to dinners,

he fixes stuff
around the house.

(Laughing)
Sure he does.

Ugh. Come on.
That's nasty.

(Continues laughing)

Did she ever talk...

About me?

Yeah, yeah,

uh, in the beginning.

But, you know,
then it got tough for her.

More than she could,
uh, take.

After a while--

she forget about me.

No, you were always there.

For both of us.

We should call her.

I can't.

Not yet. I...

You know, this has--
this has already been a lot.

You know, I'm not ready.
Okay?

Okay, all right.

(Carousel music playing)

Oh, no.

(Laughs)

No, no.
Please!

I still haven't gotten over
the p.T.S.D.

From the last time
you t-boned me.

No, it's been forever!

No. I'm a grown--

let it go. Come on.
Come with r right now.

(Laughs)

You're going.

Okay.
(Laughs)

(Derek and Amelia) Done.

92 seconds.

Damn it.
Son of a bitch.

Well, you did it
five times straight

in under 90.

We don't practice until
you can do it right, Dr. grey.

You practice until
you can't do it wrong.

Okay. Go again.

(Whispers indistinctly)

(Indistinct conversations)

How's Erica?

Sleeping.
Or trying to.

(Whispering) I don't know
how you fall asleep

the night before you...

I did this wrong.

I just--I did it

all wrong.

How so?

Dragging Erica up here
for some hail-Mary surgery

that our friends
are gonna perform,

they don't even know
if they can pull off,

and I can't help.

All I can do is pace around,

thinking through
every awful eventuality,

and my son is trapped
in a front-row seat

for whatever happens.

And you, you didn't ask
for any of it.

And you're trapped in the middle
of a horror show

you can't make any better.

Coop, breathe.

No, I can't breathe,
Charlotte. That's...

I can't breathe because I feel
like I screwed...

Everything up

in the worst possible way.

You didn't screw it up.

You did the best you could.

(Pats chair)

Tell me it's gonna be okay.

Coop--

I'm not asking
for a fairy tale.

I'm just saying,
no matter what happens,

it's gonna be okay.

Like, worst case and she dies,
I mean, it's gonna be okay.

Like, we can do this,
we can raise this kid,

you can be a mother.

Say it's gonna be okay.

Okay.

It's gonna be okay.

(Cooper)
So they're gonna be coming

to take you to the O.R.
in a couple of minutes,

and, uh...

How you feeling?

Okay.

But they keep it
a little cold in here.

Don't you think, baby?

Mason, please don't be mad
at your mom right now.

No, he gets to be mad.

Mason, look at me.

You get to be mad.

You get to have
all of your feelings,

as long as you know--

you have to know--

that I love you.

Come here.

I love you
more than anything

in this whole stupid world.
(Laughs)

And I always will,
from wherever I am,

even if you're mad at me.

You know that,
don't you?

Now I need you
g go with your dad.

(Sniffles)

And I have to talk
to Charlotte for a second.

Okay?

You can eat as much junk food
as you want today. (Laughs)

Okay.

(Blows air and cries)

(Crying)

What can I do for you?

Teach him how to drive
a stick.

Before you ever let him
drive an a*t*matic,

teach him
how to drive a stick

so then he'll never
be stranded, okay?

Okay. And don't push him
too hard on his grades.

He's smart like Cooper,
but... (Sniffles)

He's too hard on himself.

So don't add to that,
okay?

Okay.

And talk about me.

You'll be his mom, but--

no.

You will always be
his mama...

I--
whatever happens.

(Cries)
Always.

He needs a living mom.

He'll need you.

You get that?

Cooper's not enough.

He'll need you.

They're doing
the surgery today?

Okay.

Well, yeah. Call or text
or do something

as soon as you know anything,
okay?

All right.
Love to everyone.

Wow. That was fast.

How are Charlotte
and Cooper holding up?

They're trying.

Oh, hey, do you have,
uh, plans tonight?

Do I have plans tonight?

Yeah. I was wondering if
I could come by and see Lucas.

Uh, if you're busy,
then I'll--

no, no, no, that's fine.
That's fine. Uh, yes.

(Sighs)

(Knock on door)

Hey.
Do you have a second?

I'm, uh, kind of busy
right now.

I'm sorry

that I didn't back you up with Sam.

Well, no surprise there,
right?

Look, you know what?

What happened with Sam
was a onetime thing.

And I am quite capable
of separating

my personal feelings
from my professional opinion.

Look, Gloria fought the odds
to become a mother.

You know, maybe unwisely,
but she's earned the right

to put the life of her baby
ahead of her own.

No matter what we think,
she has that right.

But Sam said--

Sam isn't
her I.V.F. Specialist.

All right?
And neither are you.

Anything else?

(Sighs)

You can do this.

There's no margin
for error.

There's no margin
for self-doubt.

(Sighs) You think
I don't know that?

I, uh, I'll see you
in the O.R.

The last time I operated
on a friend,

I was out of it.

It's a miracle
nothing went wrong.

I mean, what if my karmic
payback is now and Erica dies?

Oh, you're scared.
That's good.

Well, how is that different
from having self-doubt?

Well, you don't doubt
your skills as a surgeon.

I wouldn't let you scrub in
if you did.

Well, I don't--
I don't see the difference.

After dad d*ed

any time there was a loud noise,
like a g*nsh*t,

you'd jump out of your skin.

You got ahold
of these firecrackers.

I found you in the yard,

and you were setting 'em off
one at a time,

until you didn't jump anymore.

When you're scared,
you fight.

You face your fear,
and you fight.

And you fight to win.

Your fight is much stronger
than any karmic payback.

(Clears throat)

You got this, Amy.

We got this.

Hey.

Whoa.

I thought we'd have
stir fry tonight.

This is adventurous.

When did you learn
how to cook?

Couple years ago.

It was this dive
on Pico and Venice.

The chef took pity on me.

Let me watch in the kitchen
and eat the leftovers.

(Chuckles)

Wait. A couple
of years ago?

That... you must mean

wait. How... (Chuckles)

How long you been here
in L.A.?

It's, um...

It's complicated.

Corinne?

How long you been here?

There's a shelter
on Santa Monica. I'm just--

wait, wait, wait.
Don't--don't--don't--

don't avoid me.
Don't run away.

Just answer my question.

(Pants)

Fi-five--five years.

Do you have any idea

what it's been like
for me,

for mom?

We... we thought
you were dead.

You--you get that?

Hey! We thought
you were dead.

After ten years,
we had a funeral for you.

You--you--your name
was on a headstone.

Sam, I--
don't. Stop.

'Cause I had to watch
our mother broken.

She was destroyed.

And me...

How could you do that
to me, to us?!

It's not about you.

How could it be?!

It's always been about you.

(Pants)

What happened
to my baby sister?

(Scoffs)

You don't wanna know.

You're right.
I don't wanna know.

All this was so much easier
when we thought you were dead.

Last night, I was...

Laying down
in Sam's guest room,

and I was fantasizing
about an earthquake.

Not one that would hurt
anyone else.

Just enough to make
the piece of roof above my head

fall and cr*ck my skull open.

To what end?

I'm not sure.

I don't know if I just wanted
the pain to stop or...

If I wished I could
finally feel something real.

(Sighs)

And then again, I don't--
I don't even know what's real.

All of it is,

everything you feel.

So I am a waste
of skin.

Corinne--

what I did to Sam,

to my mother,

I should be taken out back
and sh*t.

This is not your fault.

You're suffering from
a disorder. It's called--

it doesn't matter
what it's called

because whatever
you think it is,

there's a drug for it,

and I'm pretty sure
I've taken it before,

and it didn't work.

What's happening with you,

what's been happening
all these years,

is bigger than you,

and every day, a battle
is fought in your mind.

And with repeated misdiagnoses
and a lack of proper treatment

and the instability
of your life,

all those things
have made it worse.

You're suffering from...

Bipolar disorder.

And right now,

you feel like you can't
go on, but I'm telling you--

I'm tired, Dr. Wallace.

I'm so tired.

Why'd this happen to me?

I was so smart.

I got A's in everything.

I could do everything.

My junior year in high school,

everyone wanted to be me.

And then one day,
it was all gone.

I can only imagine
how hard that would be.

But the Corinne
of yesterday...

Did a load of laundry
and organized some books

and we went on a run.

And if you can endure
the bottoms,

there will be tops that will
allow you to shine

and to thrive.

And with the proper medications
and diet and sleep,

we can try to turn down
the intensity...

of the swings

and help you achieve
your own normalcy.

But you have to be patient

and you
have to let me help you.

(Perfume genius) ♪ when all ♪

♪ waters ♪

The graft is ready

ready to inflate.

Timer on. 90 seconds.

- Ready?
- Ready.

One, two, three. Go.

♪ Cover the earth ♪

♪ when no ♪

♪ tree ♪

♪ is shivering ♪

♪ and the dust settles ♪

♪ in the desert ♪

♪ when I can take ♪

♪ your hand ♪

♪ on any ♪

♪ crowded street ♪

♪ and hold you close ♪

♪o o me ♪

♪ with no ♪

Done.
It's in.

85 seconds!

Sorry. 85 seconds.

New record. You did it.

We did it.

We did it.

Okay. Good. Moving on.

Let's excise
the infiltrated vessels.

(Monitor beeping rapidly)

Uh, pressure's gone through
the roof. What's going on?

The artery's non-pulsatile.
She's thrown a clot.

Damn it.
She's stroking out.

♪ And flowers ♪

You know what that is?

It's a brain.

It's your mama's brain.

And that is the tumor
growing inside it.

So the doctors have to cut
into her head

to get it out?
Mm-hmm.

So how are they
gonna do it?

Well, first they'll cut out
a section of her skull

and dissect the brain so that
they can see the tumor.

Then they'll separate the tumor
from surrounding tissue

before removing it.

If everything turns out right,

they'll close her up.

But...

What could go wrong?

♪ Any crowded... ♪

There are risks
with any brain surgery.

Your mom could get
a blood clot

or bleeding in the brain.

It might affect her speech,
her vision,

her memory.

She might have a seizure
or a stroke.

Or she could die
from the operation.

♪ No hesitating ♪

But that is why
we came to Seattle.

We wanted your mama to have
the very best surgeons

doing her operation.

♪

You're telling me the truth?

This is all of it?

Yes.

This is all of it.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

(Monitor beeping rapidly)

Pressure's 179 over 105.

Shut the hell up. We know.
The clot's jammed up against

the proximal end of the shunt.
I see it.

I'm taking the shunt out.

Without the shunt,
there's no blood supply.

Well, if we don't clear
the clot, she's dead. Do it.

Microscissors.
Through the suture line.

(Beeping continues)

Almost there.

(Beeping continues)

Got it.

Pressure is...

Is what it is.

Shunt's out...

Now.

I think that pretty much
cleared out the clot.

Good.

Reinserting the shunt.

Artery is pulsatile.

And pressure's coming down.

(Sighs deeply)

(Exhales deeply) Okay.

Shall we continue?

I need the graft

and another microdriver.

Just another
five or six hours to go.

We're cruising now.

(Exhales deeply)

That scared the crap
out of me.

Yeah, me, too.

Corinne.

OKay, uh...

Can I talk to you
for a minute?

Look, I just wanted to
to apologise

for, uh, for this morning.

I-I I didn't mean to yell.

Yes, you did

because you are the selfish one.

For the last 20 years,

everything in my head,
it's--

it's been big and bold.

No--no whispers,
just screams and...

And I tried to deal with it.

You know,
I-I-I felt responsible.

I thought it was me.

But you know what, Sam?
I'm sick.

I'm the one
with bipolar disorder.

So you can complain
all you want

about how worried you were
and how worried mom was.

And I feel bad about that.
I-I really do.

But I was living it.

And I protected you

from the worst of it.

While you were in med school,

I did my first stint
in jail.

And while you were off
being a big fancy doctor,

I was eating garbage so I could
have enough money for dr*gs,

because that was the only way
to escape the pain.

And while you were having
a family

and living in Malibu,

I was selling my body

just to survive.

So...

You missed me.

Poor you.

This isn't your journey.
It's mine.

It is my...

Pathetic life.

And you might hate me,
but guess what, Sam.

I hate me more.

And I could tell you
to go to hell...

But having lived there
the past 20 years,

I'm pretty sure
you can't handle it.

You know, so--so screw you.

♪

(Indistinct conversations)

What happened?

She was fine, and then she just
started gasping for air again.

Pulse ox is dropping.

Up the nitro drip.

Back on 100% o-2.
Why is she not getting better?

I'm not sure. Listen,
we're gonna have to take you

to the cardio lab,
all right?

We need to do
an endocardial biopsy.

We have to figure out what's
going on with your heart.

Is that procedure safe
for the baby?

The baby will be exposed
to radiation during the X-ray.

The procedure could cause
precipitous labor.

No.
I'm not doing it.

- Gloria, listen to me.
- She said no, Sam.

She can't breathe. She'll die
if we don't do something.

Then do something else. Give her
another dose of diuretics.

- She's maxed out.
- Then put her on a pump.

Jake, she is a year and a half
post transplant.

She's been doing fine.

I'm not just gonna throw
darts at a board.

I have to figure out why she's
rejecting her heart right now.

(Gasping) I know.

I'm sorry...

(Sniffles)

But I stopped taking
my immunosuppressant dr*gs

when I got pregnant.

Why would you do that?

They could hurt the baby.

You shouldn't have done that.

You shouldn't have done
that on your own. Aah!

- Her water broke.
- (Sam) Okay.

We gotta get her in to labor
and delivery now. Damn it.

(Sam)
Watch your back there.

(Gloria gasps)

The baby's coming too fast.

- Gloria, I need you to stop pushing.
- I can't.

Try to slow your breathing.

It--it hurts.

Gloria, look, breathe with me.

Breathe with me.
Come on.

Pressure's dropping.
Hurry up, Addison.

(Monitor beeping erratically)

- What's going on?
- I'm starting to lose her pulse.

- Get ready to bag her.
- I'm on it.

All right. Get that baby
out of there, Addison.

Head's out.

Anesthesia.

Thoracotomy tray.

You're gonna cr*ck open
her chest?

I have no choice.

Towel and cord clamp.

W-what do you need?

External saw.

It's coming.

(J.Viewz's "Rivers
and Homes" playing)

♪

All right. Spreader.

(Buzzing)

Addison, we're running
out of time.

Got her. Scissors.

(Baby crying)

All right.

I can crank her open.

Do it.

♪

- Damn it.
- What's going on?

She's dissected her aorta.
I need a cross-clamp.

Call perfusion for bypass.

She's in fib.
(Monitor beeping rapidly)

- We're losing her.
- Almost there.

Just give me a second.

(Voice echoes) Erica?

(Normal voice) Erica.

It's Dr. Shepherd.

Can you hear me?

Mm. Hurts.

Okay. We'll get you
something for the pain.

Can you wiggle your toes
for me?

Mm-hmm.

And your fingers?

Both hands.

Good. All right.

(Exhales)
We got the whole tumor.

All of it.

I lived?
I'm alive?

If this is heaven, sister,
I want my money back.

(Laughs)

Ow. I hurt.

The pain medicine's gonna
kick in in just a second.

(Groans)

(Sighs)

♪

(Charlotte) Erica,

Mason's looking through the window.
Ah...

- Derek) Easy.
- No, don't raise your head.

Just wave.

You can do it.

Lift your hand
and wave.

(Exhales)

Mm-hmm.

♪

(Cries)

Perfect.

I'm alive.

♪

(Wilco's "One Sunday Morning" playing)

- We did that.
- We did that.

We gotta publish.

Oh, hell, yeah, we do.
(Laughs)

You ever think about
doing dr*gs again--

- remember this?
- Well, I was gonna say, call me.

I'll fly down to Los Angeles
and knock some sense into you.

But okay.
Remember this.

If that doesn't work...

Yeah, you can totally
kick my ass.

Done.

(Laughs)

Come here.

I love you.

♪ This is how I'll tell it ♪

She's so small,

but she's perfect.

Got ten little fingers
and ten little toes.

And her face looks...

Just like you did
when you were younger.

(Sighs)

It's not a boy, though,

so I guess we can't use
the name Thomas.

♪ Gone ♪

We never really talked about
girls names.

We shoulda talked about
girls names.

She's gonna need
something strong,

like her mom.

♪

(Crying)

We shoulda talked about
girls names.

We shoulda.

♪ I can see
where they're dawning ♪

♪ over the sea ♪

♪ my father said
what I had become ♪

What are you
thinking about?

Nothing.

Come on.

♪ Should be ♪

(Toy clatters)

Um...

Well, I actually was thinking
about how bizarre my life is.

I live in a hotel.

I...

Uh...

I'm having s-e-x
with a 29 year old.

And I had
I-n-t-e-r-c-o-u-r-s-e...

(Laughs)
In an elevator.

I know you did,
with an s-l-u-t. (Laughs)

(Laughs and mutters)

These bars
and these women,

it's not--
they're not...

♪

You ever think
a year ago that we'd be--

talking about having sex
with other people?

No.

♪ How am I forgiven? ♪

Who are we?

I don't know.

♪ Oh I'll give it time ♪

(Toy clatters)

I love medicine!

♪

(Laughs)

(Laughs)

Seriously, I do.

The whole medical field,
I am in love with it.

I would marry it if I wasn't
already married to you.

(Laughing) Well, I am glad
I got to you first.

Thank you.

And thank you.

♪ This I learned
without warning ♪

I mean, you did not
sign up for this.

I love him.

Mason--I...

(Chuckles)
I didn't think I could.

(Laughs) I mean,
I didn't think I would, but...

♪ He thought I would
k*ll him ♪

(Voice breaking) When I thought
his mama might die...

♪ Oh, but I ♪

I love him.

And I think it's...

I think it's 'cause
I love you so damn much.

I love you, Cooper,

so damn much.

I love you.

♪

I like you.

You make me feel...

You have reminded me
that I can, uh,

laugh and smile

and be fun

and not think about anything

but being close to you.

And that is...

So, so nice.

♪ For you ♪

I don't want more.

I don't have more.

So it's either

incredible...

Unattached...

Mind-numbing sex

or, uh... nothing.

♪

I'll take it.

♪ I can hear those bells ♪

♪ spoken ♪

♪ and gone ♪

♪ I feel relief,
I feel well ♪

Tell me something.

Am I reading too much
into...

All of this?

Into?

You and me.

The grocery store,
Fiji, Palm Springs--

am I reading
too much into that?

Was it purely physical or...

Is...

Is there something
emotional here?

For me?

Yeah.

For you.

♪ Bless my mind, I miss ♪

It's not just physical.

♪ Being ♪

♪ told ♪

♪ how to live ♪

Okay.

♪ What I learned
without knowing ♪

♪ how much more I owe ♪

♪ than I can give ♪

♪

I figured...

I thought that you left
because of me.

That time

when I told mom

that I didn't want a party
for my birthday...

Because I didn't want you
to ruin it

just like everything else.

I turned around,

and you were standing there,
and I know...

That you heard me.

And a week later,
you were gone.

I didn't leave
because of you, Sam.

I left...

Because I was sick.

You didn't cause this.

You didn't make this happen.

♪

And you'd think that

that would be
a depressing thought--

that there's no end
to all of the--

I don't know,
that it doesn't get easier,

that it just gets different.

But it's not.
It is not.

It's the opposite
of depressing.

There's a relief in it.

Life is complex.

There's nothing simple
or easy about it.

So I can stop waiting
for it to...

I can stop waiting.

And I can just...

live.

♪