03x06 - Curly Snaps/Pre-Teen Scream

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.

Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

(CLOCK TOWER BELL TOLLS)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
(LAUGHING)

Okay, recess is over.
Let's go. Balls in.

(GRUNTS)

So, Arnold.
Hi, Curly.

Last day as ball monitor, huh?
Uh-huh.

It's pretty good being
ball monitor, isn't it?

I mean, you get
respect as
ball monitor, right?

I guess so.

You get to go to recess early

and then stay late
putting the balls
back in the bag.

And best of all,
you decide
who gets a ball.

That commands
some hefty respect,
doesn't it?

Well, I never
thought of it that way.

Hey, need some help?
Thanks, Curly.

Well, I figure I better
get used to carrying these.
(HUMMING)

(ALARM RINGS)

CURLY: Today is my day.
The day I become ball monitor.

I'll smile and be pleasant.

Heck! I'll be
downright amiable.

A real bon vivant.

That Curly is one real
bon vivant.

CURLY: I'll hold
the door open for
my fellow students.

I'll let people answer
questions in class
I could have easily answered.

Wait! I know! I know!
I actually know!

CURLY: I'll even let
people cut in front of me.

SID: You know,
Curly's all right.

CURLY: At recess,
the announcement will be made.

(WHISTLES)
Mr. Simmons will
gather us all together...

(CLEARS THROAT) Well, class,
it's Monday recess.

And that can
only mean one thing.

This week's ball monitor is...

Sid.

(GASPS)

Okay, come and get 'em.

But today is my day.
I'm the one. It's me!

Curly, is something wrong?

Yes, I'm
this week's ball monitor.

I'm the ball monitor.
I am! Me!

Actually, Curly, Sid is
our ball monitor this week.

I have it on my chart
back in the classroom.

Don't worry.
Your turn will come.

Hey, you two,
that paint is toxic.
Please don't eat it.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Curly's acting
really strange today.

Today? He's strange every day.

(BELL RINGING)

Uh-oh. Sorry, son.
I was in the front
a bit there.

Ball monitor this week,
are you? Excellent.
Lots of responsibility.

(DOOR CREAKING)

Son, open this door now.

You're in my office.
What do you think
you're doing?

I'm not opening this door.
I'm not coming out.

I'm mad as heck
and I'm not going to
take it anymore.

What are you talking about?

Turns out I am not
the ball monitor this week.

I wanted the responsibility.
Oh, I could taste it.
(LOCK RATTLING)

And I'm not having a fine day.

In fact, something
has gone terribly,
terribly wrong.

I'll say
something has gone wrong.
You come out right now

or you'll be facing
some very unpleasant
times ahead. I'm warning you.

Here's Curly.

Oh! Duck!

That's one! One for me
and 498 to go!

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

I heard Curly's gone
and holed himself up

in Principal Wartz's office
with a bag of balls.

My bag of balls.

And now he won't come out.

Okay, young man,
I am going to count to three.

One... Two... Three.

I knew he'd come
to his senses.

Stand back, children,
he's coming out.

(GRUNTS) Hey!
What you do that for?

Get back!
Back, I say!

(CHILDREN PANICKING)

I think Curly's
finally snapped.

No kidding.

You guys, Curly's snapped.

He's throwing kickballs
at Principal Wartz.
My kickballs!

(CHUCKLES)
It's finally happened.

The demented Curly
has gone over the edge.

Curly? Snapped?
How terrible!
Terribly sad.

There's a grand
brouhaha outside
Principal Wartz's office.

Let's go.

Young man? Young man.

His name's Curly,
Mr. Principal Wartz.

Oh, thank you.
Curly!

CURLY: Thaddeus!
My name is Thaddeus.

Thaddeus "Curly" Gammelthorpe
to you, Wartz.

Well, Mr. Gammelthorpe,
let's talk like
civilized human beings.

What is the problem here?

I'll tell you
what the problem is.
Injustice.

Day in and day out.

But the ultimate injustice
is what happened today.

Today I was denied
my sacred right

to be this week's
ball monitor.

And I was ready to
accept the responsibility.

But did I get it? No.

And why? Because I was
slapped down by the man.

Oh, my word.
I hope I'm not too late.

(METAL CLINKING)

For weeks, I studied
the proper ball monitor
procedures and etiquette.

I awaited my turn.
I looked forward to getting
my shred of respect.

Man, he really
wanted to be ball monitor.

I hated being ball monitor.

You have to lug those balls
in and out.

Then you gotta collect
them all over again
when you're done.

Curly! Curly? It's me,
Mr. Simmons speaking.

(CLEARS THROAT)
We all respect you
and think you're special.

Now, why don't you
open the door, and...

Save your new-ageisms
for the saps, granola boy!

Ow!
I'll handle this, Simmons.

This boy's
obviously disturbed.

I'm gonna ram the door.
Grab the kid,
get him in a headlock.

Please, Principal Wartz,
he needs sensitivity
now more than ever.

Please let me reason with him.

Reason with me?
(SCOFFS)

Why should I reason
with the likes of you?

I'm too smart for
your executive games.

Nice chat, Mr. Sensitive.

No, just give me time.
We'll talk him down.

Curly, what's happened here?

Why are you in
Principal Wartz's office with
all of the school's kickballs?

Why? You should know
of all people, Simmons.

For weeks, I marked the days
off my calendar one by one.

Till today, the day I would
finally be appointed
ball monitor.

I opened the front door
to P.S. 118

and everyone walked in past me

just assuming
I was the doorman.

Well, he was
just standing there
so I went in.

Then later in class,

Harold answered
the bonus question
that I was about to answer.

Harold stole
the question from me.

Another injustice!

No fair!
He let me
answer that question.

Curly, you let Harold
answer that question.

And then Sid takes my place
at the drinking fountain

and is rewarded by the system
by getting my job
of ball monitor.

Curly, I've got an idea.

Why don't you take over
as ball monitor?
I could do it next week.

I don't want
your ball monitor week.

I wanted my own.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Listen Mr. Camelthorpe.

It's Gammelthorpe.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Okay, you.

You're running out of time
and I'm running out
of patience.

What are your demands?
My demands?

Okay, I'll tell you
my demands.

I want two Yahoo sodas
and, uh, and a meatball sub.

Hmm, he's playing hardball.

And I want them delivered
by someone I can trust.

Last week's ball monitor,
Arnold!

Me?
Congratulations.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

I've got 300 more kickballs
in here and I'm
not afraid to use them.

Okay, dance.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Nice job, Arnold.

Okay, Arnold,

you get Curly to open
that door and we'll
rush in and grab him.

Don't you think we should
try to talk to him?

We're doing my plan.
That's what we're gonna do.
Not your talking plan.

(SHUSHING)
Now, just let him try.

Remember, sensitivity...

Look, we're dealing with
a dangerous element here.

It's just Curly,
Principal Wartz.

And they're just kickballs.
They're not dangerous.

(GRUNTS)

Curly, I've got the Yahoo
and the meatball sub.

Open the door
and I'll give 'em to you.

You think I'm an idiot?
You've probably
got some plan.

No, Curly, I've just
got the meatball sub.
Open the door.

Okay. But first,
everyone, back away.
Get back! Move it, people!

You wouldn't
double-cross me, would you?

No, Curly.

Okay, Arnold. Come in.

Willackers! Now we've got
ourselves a hostage situation.

Yahoo. Ain't nothing to it
but to do it.

Curly, why are you doing this?

Because I was supposed
to be ball monitor.
I can show you my calendar.

Look, if you really think
you were supposed to be
ball monitor,

then let's talk to
Mr. Simmons about it.

We need to talk
to Mr. Simmons.

Let's see. Here's Harold,
Eugene, Rhonda, Sheena...

Oh, I see where I lost you.

Look! The week of the holiday,
I didn't carry it over
to the week of the 12th.

Curly, you are
absolutely right
and I was wrong.

You were supposed to be
the ball monitor this week.

I knew it! I knew it!

Great. Let's get out of here.

Oh, no. Not until
I have a deal in place.

We need Sid.

We need Sid.

How about you
take over tomorrow
to the rest of the week

and also next Monday.

Then I'll take over
for the rest of next week.

Nah. Too messy.

How about if you just let Sid
finish out this week
and start your week next week?

Curly?
Well...

We'll have to
hammer out the details,
but okay.

Curly, I'm proud of you
for coming to this very
reasonable agreement.

Let's go back to class,
shall we?

What happened?
Any bloodshed?

Absolutely not.

We solved the problem
in a peaceful manner.

(ALL CHEERING)

I think we all learned
a valuable lesson here today.

Yup. Don't ever
trust the quiet ones.

They'll go bonkers
and hole up in
the principal's office.

Now, come on, class,
we've got just enough time

to finish watching
the slides of my visit
to Tierra del Fuego.

All right, son, come with me.

Hey, where are you taking me?
I thought
we worked it all out.

Remember, Principal Wartz...
Sensitivity.

(LAUGHS)
I'll give you sensitivity,

I'll give you
a week's worth of sensitivity
every day after school.

CURLY:
Hey, I'm not supposed
to be in detention.

Come on! I'll die
if I'm in detention. No!
(BELL RINGS)

Come on! I'm the ball monitor!

(WOOFS)

(RADIO STATIC)

(POP SONG PLAYING)

Man, there's nothing good
on the radio today.

Oh, oh, leave it there.
I love this song.

♪ I saw, I saw...
♪ You face...

♪ And wow! ♪

ANNOUNCER: Yeah, that was
Ronnie Matthews' hit single,
"I Saw Your Face And Wow!"

Hey, you wanna go backstage
to a Ronnie Matthews concert

and then have dinner
with Ronnie himself?

ALL: Oh, yeah!

ANNOUNCER:
Well, just write us a page

and say why you'd be
the best choice
to win an evening with Ronnie.

Send it to this radio station
by the end of the week...

Oh, my gosh. An evening
with Ronnie Matthews.
I must win.

Who is this guy?

Only like the greatest singing
sensation in, like, 50 years.

Oh, get a grip on yourselves,
you bunch of wimps.

Don't you have better
things to do with your time?

Come on, Phoebs,
let's go spit in the river.

♪...your face
And wow! ♪

Hey, Phoebe!

I'm afraid I can't join you
at the river, Helga.

I have things to do at home.

(POP SONG PLAYING)

♪ I saw your face
And wow ♪

(SIGHS)

(SQUEALS)

Now to compose
the winning contest entry.

♪ We'd be together, girl
Just you and me

♪ That's the meaning
Of eternity

♪ I saw, I saw
Your face
And wow

♪ I saw, I saw
Your face
And wow ♪

(HORN HONKING)

EUGENE: (GASPS) I can't wait.

I really, really, really
hope I win. Oh, I can't
bear the tension.

You're all wasting your time.

I'm about to mail in
the winning entry.

Oh, please, oh, please
let me win this contest.

I wrote my best stuff.

I really hope
this is going to work out.
Amen.

ANNOUNCER: And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for.
Drumroll please.

The winner of the
Ronnie Matthews concert
tickets and dinner is...

Phoebe Heyerdahl.
ALL: (GASP) Phoebe!

Phoebe Heyerdahl
is the winner.

I can't believe you.

You of all people.
Why?

I can't believe you even
entered the contest, Phoebe.

You must be really
excited, Phoebe.

I'm quite pleased.

PHOEBE: I won! I won! I won!

I get to meet Ronnie Matthews!
I get to meet Ronnie Matthews!

Oh, joy! Oh, rapture!

(SCREAMS)

PHOEBE:
Come on, Helga, please.

Phoebe, drop it.

It's bad enough that you've
revealed yourself to be a
hopeless Ronnie Matthews fan,

don't make it worse
by dragging me along.

But, Helga, I really would
like you to join me.

What for?
For...emotional support.

Look, Phoebe,
I've been to concerts,

a bunch of idiots screaming
their lungs out over some
lame no talent guitar player.

Helga, I hope you're not
referring to Ronnie Matthews.

He's not only an accomplished
guitarist, but also writes
uniquely, intelligent lyrics.

He's the voice
of our generation.

Man, you've really snapped
your cap over this guy,
haven't you?

(SIGHS) Yes.

Oh, please, Helga,
come to the concert with me.

It'll only be a few hours
and there'l be lots and lots
of free stuff. Please!

Mmm. Okay.
(SQUEALS) Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.

(RIFF PLAYS)

(MUSIC ENDS)

(STRING TWANGS)

(MUSIC SCRATCHES AND ENDS)

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUSIC ENDS)

(BALLET MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUSIC ENDS)

Let's kick it.

ANNOUNCER: And now, live
before your very eyes...

The one, the only
Ronnie Matthews.

(ALL CHEERING)

♪ I saw your face and wow

♪ Right then I took a vow

♪ That we'd be together
Girl, just you and me

♪ That's the meaning
Of eternity

♪ I saw, I saw
Your face
And wow

♪ I saw, I saw
Your face
And wow

♪ I saw, I saw
Your face
And wow ♪

(GUITAR SOLO PLAYING)

PHOEBE: Helga, this is it.

Now we're backstage,
any minute, we're gonna
meet Ronnie Matthews.

Wow, this is glamorous.

I know. Isn't it?

You're the girls, right?
I'm Cynthia, Ronnie's manager.
Okay, here's the 411.

Ronnie will be ready
to see you shortly.

First he has to
get his make up off,

take a sauna, have a massage,
meditate, get dressed.

Wow.

Hey, we don't have
all night, lady. We're kids.
We do have curfews, you know.

Well, you're charming.
Anyway, a few rules about
being with Ronnie Matthews.

Don't ask him
any hard questions

like anything he can't answer
with just a yes or no.

Laugh at all his jokes.
Don't touch his white suit.
Compliment him on his singing,

his clothing, his hair,
all that stuff.

That's about it.
I'll get you
when Ronnie's ready.

Ronnie's ready.
Remember the rules.

Ronnie's hairstylist,
Ronnie's masseuse,
Ronnie's tailor,

Ronnie's psychic,
Ronnie's videogame consultant,

Ronnie's personal
one on one
basketball opponent,

Ronnie's makeup consultant,
Ronnie's agent,
Ronnie's trainer,

Ronnie's idiot brother-in-law,

and of course, Ronnie.
(SQUEALS)

Ronnie,
the contest winners are here.

This is...

Helga. And she is...
(GULPS) Phoebe.

(IN LATIN AMERICAN ACCENT)
Hello, Phobe. Hello, Elga.

Please sit down.
Sit down. Sit down.

So, did you enjoy my concert?

Oh, so much, it was so great.
All your music is.

It speaks to me.
It's just wonderful
and great. Right, Helga?

Hmm. It's okay.

(LAUGHS)

(ALL LAUGH)
That's enough.

That is fonny.
That is very, very fonny.
You know what I like? Fonny.

I like hoomer.
I like food.

Now, very, very hongry.
Let's go eat.

Do you like my coat?
It cost an astounding
amount of money.

I think it looks perfect
on me. What do you think,
Phobe and Elga?

Perfect.
Hmm. It's okay.

This is so exciting,
Mr. Matthews.

Please, please, Phobe,
call me Ronnie.

After all,
that is my name. (CHUCKLES)

You see? Ronnie Matthews
can make a fonny, too.

Mmm, this place
looks perfecto.

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank you. Thank you.

I will have the most
expensive thing on this menu.

I can do that, you know.

You, Phobe and Elga,
order anything you like.

Really?

Okay. Slap a bib on me
and stand back.

(BURPS)

So I said to him,
I'll take 20 of them.
Deliver them to my house.

So what you're saying is
you can pretty much
buy anything?

Yes, Elga,
I can buy anything.

I think having heaps of money

and buying things
is the greatest
satisfaction there is.

But it's more than being
able to buy anything,
right Ronnie?

I mean, the real satisfaction
is in the feeling you get.

Searching for the right note
on your guitar,

or the right lyric
for your songs.
Isn't it?

I wouldn't know what any
of that feels like.

But you've written
wonderful lyrics

and the most catchy
and intoxicating melodies.

Phobe, my dear Phobe,
you have to
understand something.

I don't write the words
of these songs.
(GASPS)

I don't write the music.

PHOEBE: Don't...
No.

I don't even know how
to play the guitar.

And keep this under your hats.

That's not me singing
all those songs.

I just move
these handsome lips

and out of the speakers
comes this beautiful voice
but it's not mine.

(CHUCKLES) It's all true.

Oh, my, this is devastating.

So, you don't
write your songs,

you can't play the guitar,
you can't even sing.

And yet you're
rolling in dough

and everyone's
falling all over themselves
to get you stuff.

Man, I'm impressed.

Well, you should be.
For, you see,
I am Ronnie Matthews.

I am the beautiful face
and attractive person

and fun performer
everyone comes to see.

But I thought all those
thought-provoking lyrics
came from you.

(CLICKS TONGUE)
No, Phobe, they come off
the electronic cue card.

And you have
a whole staff of people

at your beck and call
and sandwiches
named after you?

And you own a bunch of cars?

And five houses.

Ronnie, you're a sham.

You're amazing.

You've hit on
the perfect scam.

Hey, this song
sounds familiar.

♪ I saw your face and wow ♪

Tell me, would
either of you ladies
like to have a short dance?

Let's kick it.

♪ That we'd be together
Girl, just you and me

♪ That's the meaning
of eternity

♪ I saw, I saw...♪

Ronnie,
thanks for everything.

You are so welcome,
Elga, Phobe.

Phoebe. My name is Phoebe.

And after years of clandestine
worship of your music,

and days of anticipation
knowing I was
about to meet you,

I must say, Ronnie,
that I'm terribly,
terribly disappointed.

I thought you were
so much more
than a pretty face.

Oh, thank you.
I take good care of my face.

Well, adios.

Bye, Ronnie. Ciao.
Vaya con dios.
Call me.

Hey, Phoebs, come on,
what's eating you?

What's eating me?
You really wanna know?

All week you make fun of me
for liking Ronnie Matthews,

and wanting to go to
his concert, and the only
reason you even go with me

is to get free food.

You meet him
and suddenly he's the
greatest thing in the world

because he's rich,
and has, like a million cars,

and then you two are old pals,
laughing and dancing.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
you were the one
begging me to go with you.

You said he was
the voice of our generation,
not me.

Well, I thought he was.

Well, that's not my fault,
is it?

No, it's not. It's just...

That music, those lyrics,
they were so beautiful.

How could I
have been so stupid?

Oh, come on, Phoebe,
you're not stupid.

So he wasn't the guy
you thought he was.

Anybody could be fooled
by a handsome face.

Even someone as smart as you.

(SIGHS) You're right.
I guess you should
never meet your heroes.

Yeah, I guess when you stop
and think about it,

Ronnie was kinda dorky,
wasn't he?

He kept calling me Phobe.

(MIMICKING RONNIE)
After you, my dear Phobe.

(MIMICKING RONNIE)
Oh, Elga, shut your trap.

(LAUGHING)

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Much better, Phoebs.

♪ And wow

♪ I saw your face and wow

♪ Right then I took a vow

♪ That we'd be together
Girl, just you and me

♪ That's the meaning
Of eternity

♪ I saw, I saw
Your face
And wow

♪ I nearly had a cow

♪ And when we're together
Babe, it's plain to see

♪ The cosmic power
Of our energy ♪