03x15 - Helga's Show/The Flood

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.

Arnold!

Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

PRINCIPAL WARTZ: (OVER P.A.)
Attention, students.

Henceforth, and forever,
all lunch activities

will be conducted
during the lunchtime period.

(BELL RINGING)

GERALD: The bell rings
and echoes an empty hall.

Then comes the bounce,
bounce, bouncing

of the red dodgeball.

The cafeteria trays

and silverware
endlessly clatter.

I stand alone in the crowd
and ask myself,

"Does anything really matter?"

BOY: Yeah.

(ALL MURMURING APPRECIATIVELY)
(CLAPPING)

That was very special.

Again, I wanna
welcome everyone

to the opening
of P. S. 118's

afterschool student lounge,
The Cocohut.

You've all been so ambitious
in coming up

with entertainment
for The Cocohut stage
I'm just...

(BREATHES DEEPLY) Well,
I'm frankly overwhelmed.

(EXHALES)
Next up,

Our own
Helga G. Pataki

is going to do
some very special impressions.

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
Helga, doing impressions?

This I gotta see.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

I'd like to start off
with an impression
of someone we all know.

It's the first voice
we hear in the morning

coming over the P.A. system,

and it goes
something like this.

(IMITATING PRINCIPAL WARTZ)
Students of P.S. 118,

I have
an important announcement.

Henceforth,
our lunch activities

will be conducted
during the lunchtime period.

(ALL LAUGHING)

She's doing
Principal Wartz.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Thanks for clearing
that one up, Principal Wartz.

And then,
there's Stinky Peterson.

Is it me or is this guy
always a step behind?

(IMITATING STINKY)
I don't get it.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
What's Principal Wartz
going on about?

I'm all confused.

All I know is
I'm having lemon pudding

on account of lemon pudding's
my favorite pudding.

(ALL LAUGHING)
What's so funny?

Is that supposed
to be me or something?

And then there's
Miss Rhonda Wellington Lloyd.

(GASPS)
The school gossip,

and the self-elected
queen of fashion.

(SCOFFS)
(IMITATING STINKY)
Girls, you will not believe,

what Patsy actually wore
to school today.

A green and blue
plaid jumper
with pink leggings.

Couldn't you just die?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I mean, please,
what'd she do?
Get dressed in the dark?

(ALL LAUGHING)

She got you, Rhonda.

That doesn't sound
anything like me.

HAROLD:
Yes, it does.

Let's see
if you can guess
who this is.

(IMITATING HAROLD)
Ah, Mommy!

I'm scared!

(ALL LAUGHING)
That's Harold.

Hey!

This here is Eugene
walking into class
every morning.

(IMITATING EUGENE)
Hi, everyone!

Gosh, it's a bright,
beautiful, perfect...

Whoa!
(THUDS)

I'm okay.
(ALL LAUGHING)

What a wonderful mimic.

She sounds just like me.

(IMITATING MR. COLLINS)
Now, class, settle down.

Because we're going
to do something
"very special."

We're going to do
something "special"

to show how each
and every one of you

is "special" in his
or her own "special" way.

Who is that?
Is it Mr. Packenham?

Who's she doing?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Can you believe Helga?

How could she make
fun of us like that?

Yeah, I didn't think
she was so funny

when she said
I went around
all the time screaming,

"I'm scared. I'm scared.
Help me, Mommy."

(LAUGHS) That sure was funny.

But I didn't think
it was so funny

when she said
I'm always going on

about how lemon pudding's
my favorite kind of pudding.

I thought she was
pretty funny.

Come on, Arnold.

Weren't you offended
by what Helga said?

Not really.
I like the part

when she said
you're obsessed

with what
everybody's wearing.

Oh, so what you're saying is

I'm obsessed
with fashion and style,

and I'm constantly talking
about what everyone else
is wearing?

Well, yeah.

Of course, you think
it was funny, Arnold.

I notice she didn't say
anything mean about you.

ALL: Yeah.

Helga think she's so funny.

Well, if that's
her idea of funny,

then she has
something else
coming to her.

Yeah, yeah,
something else
coming to her.

Yeah, she has
something else
coming to her.

Hey, fellas,

what does she have
coming to her?

Boy, I really knocked
'em dead out there,
didn't I, Phoebs?

Well, I suppose
you captured

certain aspects
of our classmates

in a unique way.

Yeah, like I said,
I knocked 'em dead.

You know, maybe,
I'll go professional.

I'll take my act
on the road.

Play all those comedy clubs
like Hee-Hee's and Hoo-hah's.

What do you think,
Phoebs?

Well, I suppose
it's possible.

I guess we'll be
pretty popular

around school
from now on.

(BELL RINGING)
Hey, Stinkmeister,
how's it going?

I'm not talking
to you,

Helga G. Pataki.

(SCOFFS)
What's with you?

Hiya, Rhonda.
How's tricks?

Oh, I'm sorry, Helga.

I don't have time
to talk to you.

I'm too busy worrying
about what everyone
is wearing.

I don't have any other
thoughts or ideas
in my head.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah,
so what's your point?

(SCOFFS)

Hey, it's a joke, Rhonda.

Hey, Pinkboy,
pull up a desk,
take a load off.

I can't sit next
to you, Helga.

I might get scared
and scream

and call my mommy!

Huh?

Hey, Helga.

Have you heard
about my love
for lemon pudding?

Lemon pudding.
Lemon pudding.
Lemon pudding.

Oh, that's right.
You have heard about it.

On account of you was
making fun of my love
for lemon pudding

when you was up there
on stage making me look
like a dang fool.

Hey, look,
lemon pudding.

(ALL LAUGHING AND CHATTING)

(SOMBER INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYS)

I don't get it, Phoebe.

I thought I was such
a big hit at The Cocohut,

but now they're
all ignoring me

like they're mad
or something.

What did I do?

Perhaps your humor
had a little
too much truth to it.

So? They were all laughing.
What's the big deal?

It's true they were laughing,

but I think their feelings
were hurt by your impressions
of them.

I was just telling it
like it is.

It's comedy, Phoebe.

Where's your sense
of humor?

They laughed at each other.

Can't they laugh
at themselves?

Perhaps not.

Try to think how
it would feel

if it were you
being made fun of, Helga?

(SCOFFS) No one
would dare try that.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(IMITATING HELGA)
Out of my way,
Geek bait.

Rhonda's doing Helga!

If you clowns trying
to make fun of me,

you have to answer
to ol' Betsy.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You sound just
like her, Rhonda.

(LAUGHS)
That's pretty good.

I don't sound like that.

Do I?

See, Helga?

RHONDA:
Out of my way,
Geek bait.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, brother.

I make a few jokes
and now everybody hates me.

Perhaps you can
remedy the situation

with a public apology.

Are you crazy?

I think that maybe you need
to ask their forgiveness.

Perhaps in a long-form poem
of a more positive nature.

Huh?
Yes!

Showing each
of our classmates

in a more
optimistic way,

emphasizing
their good attributes.

Something more proactive.

Hey, we're talking
about comedy here.

Those guys don't want
me to be proactive.

They want laughs.

They want your jeans
slipping on a banana peel

and falling down
an open manhole.

I'm serious, Helga.

You need to make
a sincere apology,

and I can help you.

I have some ideas.

What do you say?

(SIGHS) Well, no one's
even speaking to me
at this point.

What have I got to lose?

PHOEBE: Stinky.

Now, what good qualities

can we point out
about him?

Uh, he floats?

Be serious, Helga.

Do you want everyone
to go around snubbing you

and being mad
at you forever?

Okay, okay.

(DRUM ROLL)

Curly, now there's
an original kid.

(SIGHS)
I don't know,
Phoebs.

Do you think
they're gonna go
for this stuff?

I'm positive, Helga.

It's flattering
and entertaining.

When you recite this poem
at The Cocohut,

you'll be
a huge hit.

Come on, just
one more cocochino.

My last one,
I promise.

I'm sorry, Chocolate Boy,

but I'm going to have
to cut you off.

(SIGHS IN DESPAIR)

Can you believe

Helga is actually going
to perform again?

If she makes fun of me,

I'm gonna pound her.

If she starts drawling
about me

and my love
for lemon pudding again,

I'm gonna take
her downtown.

And now please welcome,
Helga G. Pataki

for another unique
and special performance.

Oh, Helga, are you
doing your impression
of that special guy?

You know the one
who says "special"
all the time?

Who is that?

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'm not going to be doing
any impressions today.

Instead, I'm going to read
a poem about all of you

which emphasizes
your positive attributes,

and I hope
you like it.

"What can I say
about my friends

"Who are pleasant
and loyal till the end?

"There's Harold, Rhonda,
Stinky and Nate.

"And Sid and the Dean,
and gosh, they're all great."

Who's Nate?

(CLEARS THROAT)

"Take Rhonda.
She's a stylish girl,

"One of the nicest
in the world.

"And Arnold
is a thoughtful fellow,

"As smart and kind
as his hair is yellow.

"Stinky is a likable sort.

"He's certainly tall
and his hair is short."

What's she doing?
It's not funny.

It's worse
than not funny.
It's boring.

She's just saying
nice things about everybody

to be... Well, nice.

Where's the comedy?

"Harold is a friend to all.

"He's a kid who's
really on the ball."

Not funny!

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
"And Chocolate Boy,
hey, what about him?

"He must love chocolate
as much as we love him."

Come on, just
one more cocochino.

(ALL BOOING)

Nice going, Phoebe.

I'm going over
like a lead balloon.

I'm as perplexed
as you are.

ARNOLD: It's because
it isn't funny.

BOTH: Huh?

Come on, Helga,
you're not acting
like yourself.

Everyone can tell
you were saying

made up nice things
about everybody.

But they hated me
when I was funny.

Do the old stuff,
the funny stuff.

Good afternoon,
ladies and germs.

Did you miss me?

What are you?
An audience
or an oil painting?

Who's out there?
Is that Stinky?

It is Stinky.

I can tell
by the dazed look
on his face.

(SPRINKLED LAUGHTER)

Probably dreaming
about lemon pudding again.

(IMITATING STINKY)
Gosh Almighty,

I sure do love
lemon pudding.

(ALL LAUGHING)

That sounds
just like me.

(CHUCKLES)
And Phoebe...

(IMITATING PHOEBE)
I'd love to play
baseball with you,

however, I find
I must study,
study, study!

As alarming to me,
my average grade

has dropped
to A minus.
(LAUGHING)

And what about Arnold?

Have you noticed
the shape of his head?

I mean, it's really wide.

How does that kid
get through doors,
anyway?

What's with
that little blue hat?

Hey, Arnold,
this just in.

It's about
a million sizes
to small.

(ALL LAUGHING)

And he always wears it,
not in the middle...

Oh, no.

But to one side of his head.

Like a fashion statement.

(ALL LAUGHING)
And speaking
of fashion statements, Arnold.

What is going on
with that kilt?

I wasn't even aware
that we were in Scotland?

Rhonda, you better
write Arnold

a fashion ticket
for that one.

Oh, he's so clever
and optimistic, isn't he?

I mean, haven't you
all heard this?

(IMITATING ARNOLD)
Come on, guys.

If we all pull together
and pool our resources,

I just know
we'll achieve our goal.

(ALL LAUGHING)

We really, really should do it
'cause it's the right thing.

(LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

HELGA: Thank you!
You're a beautiful audience.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

(WIND BLOWING)

(CHILDREN CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY)

I'm taking the garden snake
home for spring break,

and you can't stop me.

SID: No fair!
One day you'll be...
Boys, now,

horseplay leads to tears.

We all have to share
our reptile friend.
(ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)

(BELL RINGING)
(ALL HOOTING AND CHEERING)

Class, back to
your seats, please.

(CHILDREN GROAN)
I know testing week

has been very hard
on everyone,

and we're all anxious
for spring break to begin.

But in this classroom
we are a tribe.

That means working together

and taking care of each other.

So, let's spend
the next 10 minutes

reminding ourselves
how very special

our fourth grade tribe
really is.

(CRIES)

(ALL GROANING)

We don't have time
for this, Mr. Simmons.

MR. SIMMONS:
Ten minutes won't make

the slightest bit
of difference
in your vacation.

We'll all be
out the door
before you know it.

(THUNDERCLAP)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

PRINCIPAL WARTZ:
Attention, students,
a flash flood warning

is now in effect.

Remain with your teachers
until further notice.

I'll be contacting
your parents.
That is all.

You don't think
we're gonna be
stuck here, do you?

PRINCIPAL WARTZ:
(CLEARS THROAT)
Because of excessive rains,

we're gonna be stuck
here all night.

To reiterate, we will be
in the building tonight,
staying here.

That is all.
(ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(THUNDERCLAP)

GRANDPA: Hello?
Oh, Principal Wartz.

Yeah, Oh, yes,
it is a heck of a storm.

Reminds me of
The Great Flood
of 1916.

My daddy bought
himself an ark.

Folks said
he was crazy,

but heck, started
the whole dang world
over again,

two by two.

Oh, wait a minute,
I'm confused.

Maybe that was Noah.

(PHONE DISCONNECTS)
Hello? Guess he hung up.

Short man is stuck
at school.

Can I have
his room tonight?

My ceiling leaks
in the rain,

and it makes me sad
to watch Suzie sleep
in the puddle.

Not on your life,
Kokoshka.

I'm going out
to rescue Arnold

soon as I come up
with a plan.

I'm so close
to the food.

So close and yet
so far away.

Oh, put a sock in it.

The rest of us
can't live off our bulk
like you can.

Young lady,
I'm warning you.

What are you gonna do?
Make me stay after school?

Helga, you're just
too dang ornery.

Here's how much
I care what you think.

(SNAPS FINGERS)
Helga, as long
as we're stuck here,

we better try
and get along.

You're right, Arnold.

Hey, Stinky,
would you like
some dessert?

(GROANS)

(GIGGLING)

(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

NEWSCASTER: (OVER RADIO)
We're back with the...

Five more inches of rain
will fall before dawn

as our bare city slowly
becomes the western Venice.

Citizens are stranded
everywhere...

Hey, I was listening
to that.

Don't. It's too depressing.

Look, I brought you
some hot milk.

You're working too hard.

Why don't you
take a nap?

Oh, thanks,
Oskar...

Hey! Wait a minute.
(WHISTLING)

Why are you being
so nice to me,
you chiseling lowlife?

Well, I'm moved
by this great tragedy.

We must all pull
together in times
like these.

(BLOWING)

Ah, look at me.
I'm huffing and puffing,

but I feel good inside

because I'm helping
other people.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

(IMITATES LAUGH)

(CAR ALARM BLARING)
(CAR HORN MALFUNCTIONING)

I haven't changed
my underwear
in five weeks.

9:17. It's official.

My life is over.

Give daddy some sugar.

Ugh!

I know. How about a song?

♪ We're rats, we're rats

♪ We're furry and forlorn

BOTH: ♪ We live in sewers,
laugh in sewers
and our hearts are torn ♪

I've had it
with this pack
of dingbats.

(ALL LAUGHING)
I'm busting
out of this joint.

Yeah, turn
the lights off.

RHONDA: On, on, on!

ALL CHILDREN: On! Off!

On! Off!

(VOCALIZING)

Well, blast.

(GASPS) Criminey.

(GROANS) I'm doomed.

I'm stuck in a flood
with a ship of fools.

(CONTINUES VOCALIZING)

Ole!

Are you attempting
to leave the school grounds

without permission,
Miss Pataki?

Are you attempting to dance
the Flamenco, Principal Wartz?

This moment
never happened.

Gotcha.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

The snake! I saw it!
It's over there!

Calm down, Gina.
Georgie is our friend.

No, he's not.

He's hungry
and he wants
to eat us!

Nice, Georgie.

Oh, you're more scared
than we are, aren't you?

(CRUNCH)
Ow!

Nadine, will you
take him, please?

What happened
to its eyes?

Curly said they turned
into fireballs.

And where's
his second head?

You said he grew
another head, Curly.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Suckers!

Let's get him!

(ALL SHOUT IN AGREEMENT)

Stop it,
boys and girls.

Stop this fighting
right now.

Bag it, Simmons.

We're not listening
to you anymore.

Yeah, it's all your fault
we're stuck here
in the first place.

Uh-oh, my shoes are wet.

That...
That can't be good.

I'm okay.

Look, we're all
gonna drown!

Students, we have to head
for the high ground.

I'm sure there's
a classroom upstairs
that's still open.

Oh, save it, creampuff.

We don't need
you anymore.

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

MR. SIMMONS: Please,
children, please!

Remember, we're a tribe!

Oh. Oh, dear,
this is terrible.

I've completely lost control
of my class.

This can only lead
to serious trouble.

(HELICOPTER HOVERING)

Unless, I take action.

Boys and girls!

I mean, Arnold.
Somehow I'm going
to find a way

up to the roof
and I'll signal for help.

Will you please
go keep an eye
on your classmates for me?

They won't listen
to me.

Yes, they will.
I have faith
in you, Arnold.

(THUNDERCLAP)

OSKAR: Professional rescue,
no waiting.

I love this country.

(GRANDPA SNORING)

(MUMBLING)
(GLASS BREAKING)

Oh, dag nabbit.

I had an accident.

Ooh, that's good.
It's just a flood.

Boy, the flood.
It's bad!

I've got to save Arnold.

No, no, go back
to sleep, Grandpa.
You're only dreaming.

You think you can steel
a fella's boat

right from under his nose,
you little weasle.

I wasn't trying to steal.

Yes, you were!

(BOTH GRUNT)

Help me, I can't swim!

You're a liar
and a thief, Kokoshka.

But if you're
an oarsman,
get in the boat.

Thank you, Grandpa.
You save my life.

GRANDPA: Soaking wet.

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

(ALL CONTINUE SCREAMING)

Try this on, Rhonda.

(GROANING)

Stop! Listen to me
a second.

Oh, put down,
little Mr. Simmons Junior.

What do you want us to do?
Act like a tribe?

(VOCALIZING)

Listen, Mr. Simmons
is gone.

He's been gone
a really long time.

I think maybe he's
in some kind of trouble.

Gosh, I forgot
all about, Mr. Simmons.

So did everybody else.

Because we've all been
too busy fighting.

Where could he be?

You think something
really bad happened
to him?

MR. SIMMONS: (SINGING)
♪ My eyes have seen
the glory

♪ Of the coming
of the Lord ♪

Mr. Simmons!

He sounds so far away.

(ALL MURMURING)

It's coming
from in here.

Mr. Simmons!

MR. SIMMONS:
Arnold!

Oh, I'm so glad
to see you.

See the ladder broke
and I dropped
my flashlight and...

STINKY: I always liked him.

I wonder who
our new teacher
is gonna be.

Hey, wait a second.

We've gotta work together.
You know like a tribe

or we'll never make it.

Now, how can
we get him inside?

We gotta find
some rope somewhere.

But the janitor's
room is locked.

I've got it.
The school flag.

Good idea.
We can throw
him the flag.

He can tie it
around his waist...

And we can reel him in.
Like a fish.

I think it'll work.
Come on.

(SQUEAKING)

(THUNDERCLAP)

Throw it
a little harder, Helga.

(GRUNTS)

(BOTH GASP)

Stinky, you can throw
farther than I can.

You do it.
Gosh, Helga.

Don't get soft
on me, mister.
Just throw it.

(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(ALL CHEERING)

Mr. Simmons,
on the count of three.

Jump as close
as you can
to the window.

We'll put you in.

One, two...

Three.

(SCREAMING)

Okay, everybody together.
We can do it.

Pull!

(ALL GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

No!
Arnold!

Pull 'em in, guys, now!

(ALL GRUNTING)

(ALL GROAN)

Thank you!
(ALL CHEERING)

Oh, thank you, class.

You were together
and became a tribe.

I'm so proud
of you all.

Hey, there's a boat
coming to rescue us.

(ALL CHEERING)

That's right.
It's only 50 cents

for a one way trip.
(GRUNTS)

Whoa, watch your step.
One at a time now.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY)

PRINCIPAL WARTZ: Goodbye,
auf Wiedersehen,

farewell, my dear friends.

Don't worry about me,
I'm fine here.

I'll just stand up here
on the roof

and go down
with my school.

Goodbye.

(SINGING)
♪ Way down yonder
in New Orleans

♪ In the land
of the dreamy schemes

♪ There's a garden of Eden ♪

(ALL CHILDREN LAUGHING)
CURLY: Suckers!

(CURLY VOCALIZING)
ARNOLD: Knock it off, Curly.

MR. SIMMONS: Remember,
we're a tribe!

And a tribe always
works together.

CURLY: Give daddy some sugar.

SHEENA: Curly said
they turned into fireballs.

ARNOLD: Simmon's is gone.

CURLY: I haven't changed
my underwear.

GRANDPA: You little weasle!

MR. SIMMONS: (SINGING)
♪ My eyes have seen the glory
of the coming of the Lord ♪

STINKY: Now that's what I call
a man in a pickle.

EUGENE: Uh-oh,
my shoes are wet.

GRANDPA: Reminds me
of The Great Flood of 1916.

Maybe that was Noah.

STINKY: Climb on, girls.

OSKAR: Oh, I'd
surely sleep in the...

ARNOLD: Simmons is gone.

STINKY: Gosh, I forgot
all about Mr. Simmons.

MR. SIMMONS: Who's up
for a lively game of charades?

HAROLD: Simmons,
we're not listening
to you...

HELGA: What do
you want us to do?

PRINCIPAL WARTZ:
Are you attempting
to leave the school?

CHILDREN: Yes, yeah!

PRINCIPAL WARTZ:
This moment
never happened.

HELGA: That's like a tribe.

PRINCIPAL WARTZ:
I'll be contacting
your parents.

CURLY: Turn the lights off!