03x03 - That Stinking Feeling/Lord of the Nerds

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Recess". Aired: September 13, 1997 - January 16, 2006.*
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Six brave fourth-graders at Third Street School make it their mission to protect the other kids on the playground.
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03x03 - That Stinking Feeling/Lord of the Nerds

Post by bunniefuu »

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

Wha!

Ah!

[burp]

Uh, guys,
a little help here?

, .

Hut- , hut- , hike.

[Spinelli] Going somewhere
with that ball, pally?

I think not.

[cheering]

Whoo-hoo!
Way to go, Spinelli.

Nice sack.

If we can just hold them
for one more play,

we win the game.

One more time,
you're going down.

Mommy!

Thanks a lot, Spinelli,

there goes
another quarterback.

Well, you could always do it,
Lawson.

What do I look like,
dumb?

Now, let's see who I can get.

Johnny V., you're in.

[laughs]
Johnny V.?

Gee, thanks a lot,
Lawson.

Yeah, yeah,
don't thank me.

Just throw the ball, Ok?

Oh, man, they're using baby-tooth Johnny
as quarterback.

This is going to be a cinch.

Don't be so sure, Vince,We got
one more down before the bell rings.

Johnny V. Might
pull something big.

Yeah, maybe
he'll finally lose

That baby tooth of his

and get the tooth fairy
to help them win the game.

, .

Hut-one, hut-two, hike.

Here we go, fourth graders!
Here we go!

Here we go, fourth graders!
Here we go!

Sorry, baby-tooth.

It's time
to get pulled out.

[ cheering ]

Whoo-hoo!

plus is... !

We win!

Uh! I don't get it.
I had that stupid baby-tooth

dead in my sights,
and I just choked.

It was kind of weird, Spinelli.

Maybe you're hungry.

No! My stomach
is feeling kind of woozy.

Perhaps you're suffering
from some physiological malady

that could easily be uncovered
by running an ekg.

I'll get my equipment.

wait, Gretch, I think Spinelli should
just go see the nurse.

Why not?
There's got to be something wrong.

Well, you don't
have a temperature.

Then how come I can't cream
Johnny V.?

I don't know that name.
Have I examined him?

He's that freckle-faced,

baby-toothed,
fifth-grade dope.

Oh, I see.

Well, I don't.
What gives, nurse Kay?

Run along, miss Spinelli,
There is absolutel nothing wrong with you.

This is all just a part
of your blooming.

Blooming?

What does she think
I am, a daffodil?

[man] k*ller McGee climbs
to the top Turnbuckle,

and, oh, man!
A double death drop!

I doubt the special
will be able to walk for a month.

Boy! Doesn't get better
than this, huh, pookie?

Yeah, I guess.

Is something the matter,
kiddo?

I mean, we got a "death cage"
matchup on the tube,

and you act like
we're watching

the peace
and humanity channel.

Sorry, Dad.

Come on. What's wrong? You know,
you can tell your old man anything.

Well, you see, Dad,

there's this boy
at school, and --

Stop right there. Honey!

What is it, dear?

[Bob] Yo! It's pookie. She doesn't
care about wrestling,

and there's a boy at school.

Really? Tell me, sweetie,
does it feel like

somebody punched you
in the stomach?

Sort of.

Aw.

Our little pookie
has a crush.

I got a what?

Hey, Spinelli,
you want to play

this new old game
like you heard about?

It's called kickety-can.

No, thanks, Teej.
I got a lot on my mind right now.

You sure? This game
sounds really neat.

Yes! According to the rules,

teams of players
repeatedly kick a can

until said can is completely
crumpled and mashed.

Maybe another time, guys.
I got some thinking to do.

Later, Ok?

Spinelli thinking rather
than kicking something?

I never thought
I would see the day.

Yeah, she's been acting
really weird lately.

I have a thought.

My galileo computer
is equipped

with a personality
analyzer program.

All i have to do is input
the data on Spinelli.

And It'll explain
what's going on in her head.

Hello, Gretchen, I'd be delighted
to receive your data.

First of all, Spinelli failed
to tackle Johnny V.

Then she started complaining
about a woozy stomach.

Then she started thinking
instead of kicking.

-Ha ha ha!
-What is it?

Calculating for age
and time zone,

I'd say your Spinelli
has an infatuation.

-An infatuation?
-Is it fatal?

No, Gus. What i mean is,
Spinelli is smitten.

She has a crush,

presumably on this
Johnny V. Character.

-[gasp]
-A cru--

Guys, for Spinelli's sake,

this can never, and I neab never, get out.
Agreed?

[all together] Agreed.

Ha ha ha.
How delightful.

What are you monkeys
smiling at?

Just the fruits
of cupid's folly.

Somebody want
to translate that?

You know, your you-know-what
on you-know-who.

Don't worry, Spinelli.
Your secret's safe with us.

[Randal] Attention, kids.
Now hear this...

Spinelli has a crush
on Johnny V.

I repeat, the great Spinelli
is a boy-liker.

[all laughing]

Knock it off
or I'll smack you!

Yeah, right in the kisser.

[all laughing]

What's so funny?

[all laughing]

I'm so ashamed.

It ain't your fault,
Johnny.

Just dumb luck.

How come I'm the one

who had to get a stupid crush
on some stupid boy?

I think it's sweet.

Sweet is me
clobbering that clown

with my monster moves,
but this... this stinks.

My whole life
is messed up royally now.

Come on, we're part of your life
and nothing's changed between us.

Right, even if you are a boy-liker.
And I'm not saying you are,

we're going to treat you
like the same old Spinelli.

Yhea! I'm still going to be afraid
you'll punch me in the arm.

Really? You guys don't feel
differently about me?

Not a little.

Gee, guys,
I don't know what to say.

Well, I say let's play.

Okay, operation mango fritter
is a go.

Vince, Gretch,
you got your assignments.

Now we need someone
to cover the flank.

I'll take it, Teej.

That's Ok, Spinelli, don't you worry
your pretty little head.

You just keep thinking
about songs and junk.

Gus, you take the flank.
Here's what you need to do.

[Children] BOY-LIKER!
Boy-liker! Boy-liker!

Ew! Kissy girl!
Run away! Run away!

[sighs]

-[Ashley A.] Hey, Spinelli.
-Oh, great. Now you powder puffs

-Are going to start with me.
-No, Spinelli,

We, like, understand.

-You do?
-Come, follow us.

[Spinelli] All right, what's so important
you had to--

What the...

See, Spinelli,
we're boy-likers, too.

And these are the boys
we adore.

Boys? That one
looks like a girl.

Isn't he dreamy?

This is Jed Marker,
who Ashley T. Loves,

and this is Bret Jamal
for Ashley Q.,

and Kip Parker for Ashley B.,
and Cody Hunter III for moi,

and this one is for you.

[Ashleys] Caravaggio.

Isn't he, like, the cutest?

Please, you're going to make me
barf my lunch.

Fine. Then keep
your Johnny V.

But I don't want Johnny V.

Some boy-liker
she turned out to be.

Ah!

Lousy rotten Ashleys

and their lousy rotten
wall of boys.

As far as I'm concerned,
I don't care

if I never see that rotten
Johnny V. again!

Ah!

[boys] Ah

Hmm. Strange goings on.

I hate him.
I hate him more.

I hate him.
I hate him more.

[Finster] Well, well, well,
if it isn't little Spinelli.

Miss finster,
I didn't pick anything

out of prickly's
private garden.

Zip it, girly, no need
to hand me a line.

I see
what's going on here.

-You... you do?
-Sure. Running away from boys,

getting laughed at by your peers.

Ah! It's an age-old story.
Women of power like us,

we're not allowed
to have emotions.

You can say that again.

First you worry
that you're going soft,

then you get that woozy
feeling in your stomach.

Hey, yeah, exactly.

Then the family sawbones
tells you

it's not a peptic ulcer,

so that leaves just
one possibility... love.

Love! Ew! My life is over.

Oh! That's where you're wrong, kiddo.
This is just the beginning.

From now on, you're going to be faced

With feelings like this
every day,

feelings that are going to make you
Want to stand on the rooftop

and yell to the heavens,

feelings that are
going to make you

Crawl into a hole
and pull off your skin.

But even if he does
leave you in paris

with no money
and a broken axle in the VW,

in the end,
it's all worth it.

'Cause it's better to feel something
than nothing at all.

And I'll tell you
something else.

The rest of the kids out there,
they don't know it yet,

but they're going to have
those feelings too someday,

and that someday is coming
sooner than they think.

Are you sure about that?

Positive.
So do me a favor,

get back out there
and play.

[Johnny V.] , , HIKE!

Well, here goes nothing.

[sighs]

L'amour,
toujour l'amour.

Let's go, fourth grade!

They're creaming us!

That's 'cause we've got
no pass rushing.

-This is bad.
-We're doomed.

[Spinelli] Don't worry, guys.

The Spinelli express just
pulled into the station.

[all togheter] Spinelli!

What are you doing here?

Heard you need
a pass rusher.

What about your condition?

My condition has nothing
to do with playing football.

Now let's do it.

Oh, no, it's her.
She might try and kiss me.

Relax, baby-tooth.
She can't touch you now.

She's in love, remember?

-Oh, yeah.
-Now let's go for the b*mb

and end this thing.

, , hike!

You're going down,
baby-tooth.

[girl] Way to go!

Whoa, Spinelli,
you creamed me,

and you knocked out
my baby tooth.

Wow. Thanks.

Who cares about your
stupid tooth, baby?

We lost he game.

And I lost a nickname.
See ya.

Good to have you back,
Spinelli.

Good to be back.

[bell rings]

[sighs]

Hey, guys, wait up.

-Come on, Spinelli!
-Pull it throught there!

Uh, put some velocity
on that stinking sphere!

Oh Yeah! Nothing beats
a good old game of kickball.

It's America's game, Vince,
The sport no kid should miss out on.

Lucky out, det-whomper!

No decent kid, that is.

It's mine!

So I said, like, as if,

and then daddy snapped
his fingers and said,

"wolfgang,
have this busboy fired."

-[all laughing]
-[T.J.] I got it! I got it!

[girls screaming]

Oh, t.j.

I blame myself!

Oh, man,
I can hardly look!

[Erwin] He caught the stupid ball!

My doctor said I broke my collarbone.

The less I move,
the quicker it'll heal.

How long is that gonna take?

-Five weeks.
-Five weeks!

[bell rings]

Well I can't help you
b*at the fifth graders at kickball,

but at least I can come and
give them he evil eye.

And just where do you think
you're going, young man?

Uh, recess?

Oh no, you aren't. School policy strictly
prohibits children

With serious injuries

from setting foot
on the playground.

But it's recess! Where else
am I supposed to go?

Across the hall
and down the stairs

to room .

[all togheter] Ah!

You, there!
Put down that banana!

Now, don't that paint
a purty picture,

Det-loser spending
his recess in room

with the pale kids?

Pale kids? Who are they?

The "Pale Kids" are the kids who actually
choose to stay inside during recess.

The uncoolest
of the uncool.

Uncooler than me?

And T.J. is gonna be
their buddy.

I wouldn't be surprised
if T.J. Became a pale kid.

Don't listen to him Teej, he doesn't know
what he's talking about.

-Oh, yeah? Ever heard of tiny Sedgwick?
-Who's he?

Three years ago,
tiny Sedgwick

was a regular kid
just like you and me,

but one day
everything changed.

[Erwin] It was a monday.

The recess bell
had just rung,

and all the kids
came out to play,

then out limps tiny sedgwick.

The doofus had a busted leg

from playing pickle
with his shoes untied,

So now instead of going out
on the playground,

Guess where
finster sends him...

To room .

And they never saw him again.

The pale kids
got tiny Sedgwick,

and they're going to get you,
too, pale-weiler!

Ha! Pale-weiler.
I k*ll myself.

Now, where was I?

Ah, yes, room .
March, young man.

No, T.J.! Don't go!

[T.J.] Relax, guys. You don't
got to worry about me.

I'm having nothing to do
with any pale kids.

[boys laugh]

Hark! An outsider!

Gandor primulan, outsider.

Live well and thrive.
I am Frank.

-These are my comrades, Rodney...
-Howdy.

-[Frank] Steve...
-Aloha, amigo.

-[Frank] and Carl.
-[stutters]

Steve, readings, please?

Boy-oy-oy-oy-oy-oy.

It appears he has
fractured his clavicle.

Hence his assignment
to recess here to room .

Very well, make yourself at home,
newcomer.

[Frank] Anyway, back to Waterloo,

where Wellington is holding off
Napoleon's army.

[Gus] So what was it like, T.J.? Did they
try to erase your brain?

One of them seemed to be trying,
but I scared him off.

-That's my man.
-Hang tough, Teej.

Us is us and them is them and
you were meant to be one of us.

I know, Spinelli,
and don't worry.

I got them
right where I want them.

I'm designing
a super-tech jet

that reconfigures
into a robot.

Brilliant, steve,
but regard this if you will,

my robot turns
into a flying dinosaur.

Note the receptors here and here for wing
regeneration spores.

[togheter] Groovy!

[T.J. chuckles]

[imitating radio noises]
Red leader one, red leader one.

[imitating jet engine]

-[Rodney] Hey, there! Ah!
-Ah!

We were just wondering if you
wanted to play with us.

Oh, sorry about your thing.

No harm done, half the fun of playing

with a constructo-crystal robo-borg is
taking it apart and rebuild again.

-What's the other half?
-[Frank] Say, what are you reading there?

Ah, just a little something called
"Señor Fusion." You probably never--

"Señor Fusion"?

You read "Señor Fusion"?

Uh, yeah.

Look, he's got issue ...

"adventure takes no siesta."

With the limited-edition
hologram cover.

Abra-cool-dabra!
[all lugh]

"Señor Fusion"
is the greatest.

I have a signed copy
of issue .

True "fusion" fans,
who'd have thought it?

Who would have thought it?

Howdy, fellas, thought you might like
to see issue hot off the press.

Today is thursday, T.J.

On thursdays we play daggers & dragons.
You're welcome to join us.

Oh, all right.

We all have characters, see?
I'm Yendor the barbarian.

I am Evets the cleric.
Carl is Larc the ogre.

-[stuttters]
-[Frank] I am knarf the sword master.

We got our character names

by spelling
our real names backwards,

So, T.J., I guess your
character name would be J.T.

[all laugh]

J.T., why don't you be
our druid elf?

Uh, sure. I got
nothing better to do.

The game begins.

"you are traveling
through the mystic woods.

a forest sprite leaps
from a bubbling mineral spring.

In his hands
he holds two items...

a glowing blue bottle
and an enchanted moaning slug."

"you have neared the end
of your journey.

An old woman reaches out
to congratulate you,

when, suddenly, a dragon appears
from beneath her shawl."

Roll the die, J.T.!
Roll the die!

!

"Your sword
bounces off the dragon."

But I get a plus
for my cloak of wonder.

J.T. Is correct,
and factoring in

his proximity
to the vermilion castle then--

the dragon is slain!

You are master
of the ninth level.

[all] Gandor primulan,
master J.T.

Yes!

J.t., your shoulder.

It seems hardly possible,
but five weeks have passed.

Your clavicle has mended.

-You're right.
-In light of this, I ask you

to come with us tonight.

We have a surprise
for you.

A surprise? Like what? What are you
gonna do to me?

If we told you that,

then it wouldn't be
much of a surprise.

[Frank] Regard, T.J.,
Comicopolis.

Whoa! I never heard
of this place.

Yeah, well, they don't encourage business
from just anyone. Advance.

[gasps]

It's like there's a whole world
of pale kids!

[shop owner] Hey, where do you think
you're going, tan boy?

It's okay. He's with me.

[gasps]
Knarf! Oh, forgive me!

I didn't mean to cross
a level sword master.

I'll let you go this time,
but watch out.

The sword of ganymede
now hangs perilously close to your skull.

-Thanks.
-You're welcome.

But now, please examine that display.

Pick something out.

Consider it a gift from Rodney,
Steve, Carl, and me.

A gift of parting
and a gift of friendship.

We shall miss you.

Guys, I'd be honored,
but only if you allow me

to repay your kindness
with a little surprise of my own.

[bell rings]

[ children cheer ]

[Inhales]
Ah.

Back with my friends
in the great outdoors.

Let's play kickball.

Lawson's already waiting
for us to stomp him.

You got it, guys, but hang on while
my other friends catch up.

Other friends?

Wait a minute, you want us to play
with the pale kids?

I ain't playing
with no pale kids.

Oh, come on. They're not
that different from us.

Salutations, J.T.

[gasps]
Gretchen Grundler, doughy queen of beauty!

She rocks my planet.

[ stutters ]

Oh, my,
I don't know what to--

[Erwin] Well, well,
what do we got here?

It's det-paler and his
paleriffic pale-o-pals.

[laughs]

Great, now i'm starting
to feel bad for them.

Come on, Detweiler, Are you and your
pasty posse going to play or what?

That's it.
They're going down.

This is a kickball.
All you have to do is kick it.

Aha. Thus the name
"kickball."

Steve, you're up first.
Good luck.

[boys laughing]

He tagged himself
with the ball! Ha ha!

You're out of there!

[cheering]

[T.J.] No! Run to first base!

-You're out!
-[boys lughing]

Perhaps the game
should be called

"kickball and run
to first base."

Oh, no, Detweiler!
No more pale kids!

My team's going to die
from laughing! Ha ha ha!

Oh, man, that doofus
in the glasses, what a riot!

And then that loser
friend of his!

Ha! Knock it off, detweiler!
No more!

That does it!

Oh oh! We got to stop that kid.
He can't take on lawson.

He's not just a kid,
Vince.

He's a level
sword master.

If you have a problem
with my friends or me,

then courteously
tell it directly to me.

Okay, I got
a problem with you.

As it so happens,
I have a problem with you.

Well, good,
'cause i don't like you.

Nor am I particularly
fond of you.

-Oh yeah! Just look at you, you...
-I see your kind,you, you...

-[both] Geek!
-[gasping]

You're calling me
a geek?

I call them as I see them.

All right, that's it

I'm going to do to you
what you did to tiny Sedgwick.

[laughs]

What's so funny?

You strange,
confused lawn dweller.

I am tiny Sedgwick!

[muttering]

But, tiny, you're tall!

I have thrived.
I am happy.

but how can you be happy
hanging out with those guys?

They're my friends.

Tiny would rather hang out
with those guys than us?

I need to lie down.

I appreciate your attempt
to include us in your game, T.J.,

but to be honest I'd rather stay inside.

Too many geeks
like Lawson out here.

Gandor primulan, J.T.

Live well and thrive,
Knarf.

Well, T.J., apparently,

geekiness is in the eye
of the beholder.

Yeah, there's just one thing
I don't understand.

How do you do that thing
with your fingers?

Well, guys, if you don't
mind sitting out kickball,

I'd be happy to show you.

[bell rings]
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