03x08 - Me No Know/Good Ole T.J.

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Recess". Aired: September 13, 1997 - January 16, 2006.*
Watch/Buy Amazon


Six brave fourth-graders at Third Street School make it their mission to protect the other kids on the playground.
Post Reply

03x08 - Me No Know/Good Ole T.J.

Post by bunniefuu »

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

Ah!

Ah!

[belch]

[bell rings]

Jamal Van Johnson has the ball.
He fakes left, he fakes right,

and as the final seconds tick down,
he goes for three. Swish.

Yes, The Pagans win!

The Pagans win
the most exciting playoff ever!

That's right, that's right.
You know it. Whoo-hoo!

Jamal Von Johnson for the -peat
fantabulistical.

What's he talking about?

Me no know.

[laughs]

What's that supposed to mean?

Vince, man, didn't you see
Nitwitz this weekend?

Nitwitz was this weekend?

Oh, man, I've been waiting to see that
ever since The Distinguished Knucklehead

came out on video.

"Criminy! Rover's on the roof!"

Ah, Vince, you might want to stop
before you embarrass yourself.

The Distinguished Knucklehead
was six months ago.

Yes, now it's "watch out, silly."

[kids laughing]

I guess the movie's pretty funny, huh?

It's just a -star laugh riot is all.

Why, it's cinema's
most whimsical achievement.

I can't believe you missed it, Vince.

You're always in on the latest thing.

Well, I was watching
the playoffs all weekend,

and I guess I just forgot.

It's okay, Vince. It happens to all
every once in a while.

Yeah, and for once it didn't happen to me.

Whoo-hoo!

Sorry. Didn't mean to rub it in.

[bell rings]

Man, I've never been so happy
to see Miss Grotke.

Good morning, class.
I hope everyone had a restful weekend.

Now, if we could start our lesson.
Ah!

This book's covered with letters!

[laughing]

Nitwitz ?

This is going to be a long day.

Remember when The Nitwitz joined the navy
and accidentally sank the admiral's wife?

-"Nitwitz!"
-[laughs]

Oh, dear Nitwitz,

your dunderheaded escapades
brightened my day.

Say, guys,
I don't want to be a bad sport or nothing

but could we talk about something
besides Nitwitz today?

Uh, okay, Vince, sure thing. Anybody?

Uh, my sandwich is a bit soggy.

I believe that has to do
with the relative humidity

created by your lunch bag's
thermal properties.

Oh.

Well, I got to stay up and watch the end
of the finals this weekend and--

You worm! Can't you do anything right?

-What? But I--
-Maybe you didn't hear me.

I said, you worm!
Can't you do anything right?

Duh. Me no know.

[laughs]

I'm going to go play
with a ball or something.

No more gravy? Well, pardon my ladle.

[laughs]

Man, if I had to listen
to another line from that movie, I'd--

Watch out, Sammy!

Oh, man.

Hey, Mr. Mayor, want a goody?

Man, I am out of it.
This must be how Randall feels.

[Randall]
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Help me, Mama.
I've got weasels in my pants.

[laughs]

I've got to see that movie tonight.

You cannot see that movie tonight.

What? But it's Billy Blazedell's latest.

Billy Blazedell?
All that guy does is run into walls.

I won't waste good money
to watch a grown man act like a ninny.

What if I waste my good money?

Vincent, that movie is rated NK- ,
No Kid Under

admitted without an adult,
and that includes you.

Good thing, too. I remember the last time
we let you see one of his movies.

What was it called?
The Distinguished Knucklehead.

"Criminy! Rover's on the roof!"

That's it.
The last thing your mother and I need

is to have you driving us crazy
with lines from this new movie.

But all the other kids
have seen Nitwitz .

If the other kids jumped
off a cliff, would you do it too?

If that's all they were
going to talk afterward, yeah.

Well, it doesn't matter
what everybody else is talking about.

You can't go.

Vince, honey.
We're only doing this because we love you

and we don't want your fragile
young mind warped by people

who'll do anything for a laugh.

I'll tell that to all my warped friends
at school.

-Where the ball?
-Where the ball?

-Where the ball?
-Where the ball?

Me no know.

[boys laughing]

[boy] Oh, it's the latest thing.

[boy ] Yeah, they're all new.

Finally, something new.

Check him out, lifelike dopey action.

See, it even walks like a dufus,
and check out these babies.

Watch out, Sammy.

: .

Man, I might as well spend recess indoors.

Wait a minute. That's it.

The pale kids,
these guys are my last hope.

[all] Gandor premalon.

Gandor premalon, fellas.

Greetings, what a rare and unexpected
pleasure it is to have you among us today.

[mumbles]

I am curious to know
what brings one of such athletic

and outdoor renown to our keep.

Well, guys, I kind of got a favor to ask.

It would be our pleasure.

No doubt you seek the wisdom
of the ancients,

as set forth in the latest
"Daggers & Dragons" manual.

Perhaps you need to borrow
the rare Kitoogoohi card

to defeat your rivals at Jamaicamon.

[mumbles]

Actually, I'm trying to get away
from those kids up there.

You see, they've all gone crazy

over this Nitwitz thing,
so I was kind of hoping

I could hang out till it dies down a bit.

Will that be cool with you guys?

[all] Me no know.

[laughing]

No, no, not you, too.

No!

[mumbles]

Yes, he is a bit odd, isn't it?

That tears it.
I don't care what Mom and Dad say.

I will see that movie.

[woman's voice] Hello,
and thank you for calling Dial-A-Film.

You have selected show times
for Nitwitz , rated NK- .

The comedy everyone's talking about,
but first, coming this October...

[man's voice] Pandas, cuddly giants
of the Bamboo Forest,

but when the bamboo's gone,

what will they eat next?

[growling]

Panda-monium
it's what's black and white

and red all over.

Come on, come on. Hurry up.

[Mrs. LaSalle] And where are you going?

I'm going to the library.

On a Saturday?

I got to read up on those pandas.

See, they're running out of bamboo,
and it may not be pretty.

Oh, studying on a Saturday?
Aren't you the best boy ever?

Yeah, Mom, that's me.

Excuse me.

[deep voice] Excuse me.

Excuse me.

One ticket, please,
for a youth way over .

What was that? I can't hear you.

Speak into the speaker, please.

Uh, never mind.

[Miss Finster] Watch out, Sammy!

Finster!

One senior ticket to Nitwitz .

Oh, that Billy boy's
a comic genius, I tell you.

No wonder he's catnip to the starlets.

See you inside.

I'm with her, see?

She's my aunt.

And she makes you pay?

She's not my favorite aunt.

Oh, well,
guess you can't choose family.

♪ Time to see those Nitwitz ♪

♪ Three men, a monkey
And a talking rubber ducky ♪

♪ Just don't ask why ♪

♪ 'Cause they'll reply ♪

♪ Me no know ♪

[man] You there, is this your grand piano?

[man ] Don't ask me, Lord Fancy Pants.

[man ] I'm with the monkey.

[monkey screaming]

[laughing]

Don't ask me, Lord Fancy Pants.

I'm with... monkey.

Yes, finally,
I got every word of that movie right here.

Hey, buddy,
remember I came in with that old lady?

Yeah. Where is she?

Me no know.

[laughing]

There's no stopping me now.

Hey, hey, watch out...

...Sammy.

Watch out, Sammy?
Why, that's--

Vincent Pierre LaSalle
did you just walk out of that movie

we specifically forbade you from seeing?

Uh... me no know?

We're very disappointed with you, Vincent.

You disobeyed us.

Even worse, you lied to your mother.

Why, Vincent? Why?

Oh, Mom, Dad,
everyone in school saw that movie.

Being the only guy who didn't,
It made me feel out of it--

Like I wasn't, you know, cool.

Vince, there are far more important
things than being cool,

like your father
and I being able to trust you.

And to reinforce that notion,
we're grounding you for a week with no TV.

Am I still allowed to go to school?

You have to go to school.

Tender. Come Monday,

Vince LaSalle is once again
the coolest dog in the pound.

[bell rings]

Don't ask me, Lord Fancy Pants.

I'm with the monkey.

Feelin' hot!

Watch out, Sammy.

Hey, Mr. Mayor, want a goody?

Help us, Mama.
We've all got weasels in our pants.

And as for you, commodore poopdeck,
and the rest of your lettuce-loving posse,

stop asking me why I'm such a bonehead,

because me no know!

Tender Blazedell, Vince, but Nitwitz
is kind of last week's news.

-Last week?
-Didn't you watch TV last night?

TV? Last night? But I got busted.

I'm not allowed to watch TV.

Don't tell me you missed
the world premiere of Moron Patrol.

It's totally wacky and touching.

A breakthrough in single-camera
law enforcement comedy.

[all] Captain Dumbbell!

[laughing]

Captain Dumbbell.

That's what they should call me.

Come on, girl, show, show.

[bell rings]

My goodness, no Gretchen?

I win! Gretchen's never late,
so she must be absent.

At last, I've demonstrated true savvy.

One pack of winger-dingers, please.

Whompin'-bobula! When will I ever learn?

Whew. Sorry I'm late.

You win. What was I thinking?

Gretchen never misses school.

Never doubted her for a second.

I was answering Mr. Wood's questions
about ionic bonding,

and I'm afraid I lost track of time,
Miss Grotke.

I'm sorry, too, Gretchen,
but just the same,

but I'm going to have to enter this
in your permanent record.

-[gasps]
-Not Gretchen.

She's the finest of us all.

I take full responsibility
for my tardiness

and I apologize for any delay
it caused my classmates

in their efforts to learn.

Morning, people.

T.J., is there something
you'd like to tell the class?

Oh yeah, knock, knock.

-[all] Who's there?
-Justin.

[all] Justin who?

Just in time for class.

[laughs]

Such a clever boy. Take your seats.

Good ole T.J. can get away
with just about anything.

Yes, good ole T.J.

Seeing as I'm one penny short, I'll just
swap this chocolate milk for a regular.

Calcium's calcium, right?

Whatever floats your boat, kid.

I don't have any money, ma'am,
but I do have my marker.

Don't worry.

There's a whole pad more
where that came from.

Good ole T.J.

Indeed.

-Snazzy day, huh, buds?
-Every day is snazzy to me, T.J.

Yeah, the snazziest.

[Finster]
Grundler, is that gum in your mouth?

Well, technically, yes, but, you see,
it's a prototype gum substitute.

I developed it myself.

Though chewy, it is in no way
sticky, and therefore--

Therefore it's still gum.

I'm assigning you to garbage detail
for the rest of the week.

Oh, well, I suggest you bring gloves.

Yes ma'am.

Not so fast, Detweiler.
I know you're packing a wad.

Open up and spit it out.

OK, Miss Finster, it's true,
but you see,

it's prescription gum.

I can't make head or tail
of this chicken scratch.

He must be an excellent dentist.

He says I have early stage
gingi-something.

Gingivitis?

That's the most insidious
disease known to mouth.

Now listen to me, T.J.,
if you want to grow up

to have healthy teeth and gums like mine,

just do as your dentist says
and chew that gum.

In fact, if I catch you
and you're not chewing gum,

I'll make Grundler here think she's lucky.

Now, what's that over there?

You don't really have
gingi-something, do you, Teej?

No, Gus. That was just a little something
I tucked away for emergencies.

That kind of gamesmanship parches a fella.
Water fountain, here I come.

Good ole T.J. does it again.

Gingi-something.

Okay, class, everyone is going
to be assigned a partner to work with

on a project for ancient
civilizations week.

Ancient civilization?

Like back when Finster was a kid?

[laughs]

Actually, T.J., we're going to go back
thousands of years, not hundreds.

OK, the partners are...

Vince and Gus, Spinelli and Mikey,

Gordon and Phil, Gretchen and T.J.--

No!

Gretchen, is there a problem?

Miss Grotke, would it be possible
for me to have a different, uh,

different, um, pencil?

[laughs]

Here you go. Take mine.
It's never been used.

T.J.'s displaying good teamwork already.

Yes, good ole T.J.

It's just my bad ole luck.

Why so heavy on the books, Gretch?

We have to do research

so we can successfully explore the topic
and come up with a unique idea

in which to focus.

That's great, Gretch, but we don't have
to do any of that research stuff.

We don't have to do research?

Nah, I already got a great project
all figured out.

All we need are some sweet supplies
and minutes tops.

I don't know.
We'll be better off with a project

that requires real work.
Since I know you like tools,

I thought a project
demonstrating the irrigation

of ancient Mesopotamia
might be just our ticket.

Irritation of meso-who?

Irrigation of ancient Mesopotamia.

It was the cradle of civilization.

Oh, yeah,
back when civilization was a baby.

Look, T.J., I have an abundance
of material to get through,

so if you don't mind...

Okay, Gretch, but I'm telling you
I got a project that just can't fail.

Well, I'm going to read about this
just in case.

-Try not to make too much noise.
-OK.

I got this gladiator stuff licked.

How's the ancient Roman
poetry coming, Mikey?

Like all poetry, gently and beautifully.

Wow. The ancient Greeks
developed geometry.

Maybe we should do something about that.

Maybe in th grade
and we know what geometry is.

Hiya, Gretch, where's Teej?

I don't know.

I'm glad you all think this is funny.

From my side of the fence, truly whomps.

Gretch, take it easy,
No reason to use the "w" word on T.J.

We've all had him as a partner.

Spinelli is right. We've all been there.
It's your turn is all.

Really?

Yeah, one time T.J. was my buddy
for the nature hike.

[Gus] Instead of hiking
T.J. figured it would be more fun

just to hang out in the meadow.

We were supposed to bring back
something from de walk.

So T.J. just said, "no sweat,"
and he grabbed a rock.

Did you find that you had an furious anger
boiling inside of you?

No, 'cause instead of a rock,
it turned out to be an Indian artifact.

It was the best time
I've ever had outdoors.

In second grade, T.J. was my partner
for hamster watch.

[Vince] After about ten minutes,
T.J. gets bored,

throws the rat a hunk of lettuce,
and invites me into the cubby room

to swap baseball cards.

Did his lack of responsibility

have you scheming for a way out
of your partnership?

No. I mean
we should have been watching Hampy,

but we ended up catching
the cubby room culprit instead.

Just to misguide the kindergarten.

But everyone got their stuff back
thanks to Teej.

Back in third grade,

T.J. was my tag team partner
for vocab words.

We were supposed to look up words

then write them down
with their definitions.

[Spinelli]
T.J. didn't feel like looking stuff up.

Aha! Did his blatant disregard
for the assignment frustrate you

to the point of snapping like a loon?

Not exactly. I did the assignment,

and T.J. just made up words
and gave them definitions.

We ended up getting
extra credit for being creative.

[laughs]

Good ole Teej.

So you guys didn't get upset with T.J.?

Heck no. T.J. was just being T.J.

Yeah, Gretch,
and with your smarts and T.J.'s style,

you're looking at the easiest
project you've ever done.

You know something, Spinelli?
You might just have a point.

Why am I fighting the charm, the verve,

the unmitigated moxie
that is T.J. Detweiler?

You can't do it. It can't be done.

My friends, this time around,
I'm going to do the smart thing.

This has got to win the design
of bad guy for "Señor Fusion" contest.

Mmm, very clever. So, T.J., what exactly
is this idea of yours

for our class project?

I knew you'd come around.

See, all we got to do
is make a pyramid out of sugar cubes,

you know, like in olden days,

but we'll stick an army man inside it.

Hmm, army man.

Not of the same period, but interesting.

Come on, Gretch, it's sugary sweet.

[Spinelli] You're looking
at the easiest project you've ever done.

I like it.

Eat brawn, Spartacus.

And through the long day she showed,
this gladiatoress was no runt.

[speaks Latin]

[applause]

Excellent use of the Latin
story poem form. Bravo!

Okay, let's keep it going.

T.J. and Gretchen, you're up next.

Our project is an interpretation
of ancient architecture.

Our version is loosely based on...

...the ancient people and stuff.

Behold the mighty pyramid!

-[children gasp]
-Huh?

Is, um, that it?

Our army man didn't melt.

I see. Minimal pass.

All right! The passing streak continues.

Not your best effort,
Gretchen, but you slid by.

Miss Grotke, I wish I--I...

Goodbye, cruel research.

Gretchen, I just want to say sorry
I let you down

as a partner and a friend.

I guess I forgot how much grades stuff
mean to you.

It's over, T.J.,
our project, our partnership,

and my flawless grade point average.

Please, I'd like to be alone.

Gretch, wait. Hey, your notebook.

Poor Gretchen.

That's the lowest grade she's ever gotten.

Man, what was I thinking?

I wish there was some way
I could make it up to her.

Look at all the work she put in
to doing a good project.

Hey, sporto, you've got it upside down.

Even more impressive.

Guys, I know what I have to do.

I'll see you all tomorrow
if I make it through tonight.

[yawns]

[rooster crows]

Class, I'd like to congratulate you
on yesterday's projects.

I think we made a lot
of progress with teamwork.

-Miss Grotke.
-Yes, T.J.?

-Do you need to visit the boys' room?
-No, Miss Grotke.

I was just wondering
if you'd allow me to present one more item

about ancient civilization?

I don't know,
I think we've seen enough army men.

No army men, I swear.

Well, all right. Take it easy on my desk.

Class, let's please give T.J.
our focus and energy.

-Are you in on this?
-I have no idea what T.J. is up to.

Gretchen and I had different ideas
about what to present as a project,

but since my idea had a meltdown,

I decided to go back and finish up
the project Gretchen started

on ancient Mesopotamia.

Those Mesopotamians
were an amazing group of guys and gals.

One of the big reasons they were able

to put together
such an early civilization

was because of a little thing
called irrigation.

For those of you don't know, Irrigation
is the process by which you can get water

where you need it.

[all] Oh!

Impressive.

By digging trenches from the river
to the farmland,

they, uh, they were able to...

They were able to farm large
tracks of land effectively

because the water was carried
to the fields by gravity,

simulated in this model
by the water wheel,

right, T.J.?

Hiya, Gretchen. Oh.

The success of the farms
allowed the Mesopotamians

to establish permanent dwellings,
which would eventually grow

into the great city-states of summer.

-Right, partner?
-Right, partner.

Wow. Based on this startling new report,

I am revising team Grundler-Detweiler's
grade to an "A."

Oh, my. Thank you, Miss Grotke.
Thank you.

Yeah... thanks for... reconsidering,
Miss Grotke.

Maybe you two should be
teamed up more often.

[mumbling]

[snoring]

Good ole T.J.
Post Reply