03x16 - Kindergarten Derby/A Career to Remember

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheering]

Ah!

Ah!

[burps]

[playing fanfare]

That's enough, Trumpet Boy.

Students, loyal subjects,

it's time for the th Annual
Kindergarten Derby.

[all] Yay!

-Kindergarten what?
-Derby, Gus.

Every year, big kids pick a kindergartner
to train and run in the big race.

A true trail of champions.
The derby runs the little tykes

through the most demanding obstacle course
ever designed by the hand of a kid.

And the little goofball who wins
gets any wish he wants

granted by King Bob.

I love it! It's pure competition.

Well, I don't love it.

Ah, jeez. Don't start up with that again.

The Kindergarten Derby
is truly the sport of kings,

and as king, I say I get first pick.

[boy] I want to be the first!

You think we'll get lucky this year?

Luck will have nothing to do with it.
I've developed a foolproof formula

based on an evaluation
of his or her body structure.

What's your name, boy?

Gilbert, Gilbert, Gilbert!

He even talks fast.

I, King Bob, select the kindergartner
known as Gilbert to represent my--

No! Stop, I beg of you.

We can't treat
these kindergartners like cattle.

We did it last year.

Well, it was wrong last year,
and wrong the year before that,

and it was wrong back when we were small.

We need to end this inhumane charade
once and for all.

Anyway, as I was saying, I pick Gilbert.

OK, rabble, pick your losers.

[all cheer]

-Look at those cheekbones.
-We'll take it.

Hey, Mikey, come on. Don't walk away.

Sorry, Vince,
I cannot be a party to this injustice.

I can't believe the big softie
is still bugging about what happened

when he ran in the Kindergarten Derby.

-What did happen?
-[T.J.] Sorry, Gus.

We swore we'd never speak of it.

-But--
-We double-grandma swore.

[sighs]

[kid] Oh!

Hey, what you doing, little fella?

Tubby training.

Poor kid. I know how it is.

They're making you run
in that horrid race.

No, Tubby want run. Tubby win big derby.

I understand. You want to win
so King Bob will grant you your wish.

Tubby no care about wish.
Tubby run to show he good runner.

Well, who's your sponsor?
Swinger Girl? The Ashleys?

Tubby no have sponsor. No one pick Tubby.

Well, little friend,

a life without disappointment
is a life not lived.

Who you pick, giant man?

Me? No one. I refuse to participate
in the debasement of kindergartners.

Race not in basement.
Race upstairs on playground.

Uh, never mind.

Why don't you pick Tubby?
Tubby run for you.

Sorry, Tubby, but it wouldn't be right.

Wait! You help Tubby train.

You be Tubby's big brother.
Tubby no have big brother.

I've always wanted a little brother,

but, no, it's not right.

Pretty, pretty please, big, giant boy?

[sighs]
All right, you've got yourself a trainer.

When I say go...

[kid panting]

He's not coming back, is he?

Uh, no, sire.

Remember, Tubby, winning isn't important.
Just finish.

On your mark, get set, go!

[Tubby] Oh!

Phew, I'm exhausted.
Let's break for a Winger Dinger.

No, Tubby want more train.

[panting]

He's as determined as he is doomed.

OK, Cindy, let's see your stuff.

Can't. My stuff's in my cubby.

No, I mean-- Just go.

[girl panting]

-[Spinelli] Wow!
-Dudes, the kid's got some wheels.

No need to thank me. Although,
this is evidence that my formula works.

Oh, ladybug!

You and your lousy science.

minutes, seconds. Not bad at all.

Thanks. You think Tubby win?

Uh, Tubby finish. How's that sound?

minutes, seconds.

Hey, that's an improvement.
Isn't that wonderful, Tubby?

Ugh.

OK, let's take five.

Tubby happy when he win big race.

Trophy look delicious.

Tubby, try not to think
so much about winning.

Just concentrate on finishing.

No. Tubby really want to win.

Don't we all, Tubby, don't we all?

-Why Mikey sad?
-It's nothing.

I was just thinking about something
that happened a long time ago.

Tell Tubby, big brother.

Then Tubby be sad, too, just like Mikey.

Tubby, I told you,
I don't want to talk about it.

Tell Tubby, please.

[sighs]

Back when I was a kindergartner, I... I...
I wasn't able to finish the derby, OK?

[gasps]
Mikey no finish derby?

No, and I'm the only kid
in the history of Third Street who didn't.

[Mikey panting]

[all laughing]

That kid's so big, he can't even run!

He's not just fat, he's pigeon-toed fat.

I ran away. I just ran away.

Maybe big kids like us
weren't meant to run.

Maybe we shouldn't even try.

No, you wrong, giant boy.

We as good as anybody else.

Me run in race. Me finish for you.

Really? You'd do that for me?

That's what a little brother's for.

No, Tubby! Don't eat the wrapper!

OK, stay loose, and remember, visualize.

Eye of the cheetah, baby.
Eye of the cheetah.

Hey, Mikey, you picked a kid after all.

Well, actually, he picked me.

Come on, Mikey. Race about to start.

Step right up. Place your bets.

Sorry, kid, I don't take frost desserts.

Hey, Manzilla, aren't you even gonna,
like, bet on your kid?

Actually, no. For, you see,
to us winning is unimportant.

We run for the simple thrill of competing,

the shared sense of unity
at the starting line,

the human potential
expressed in a thing as simple as a race.

Like, bok-bok-bok, chicken.

[laughing]

Excuse me, Tubby. Wait right here.

Hustler kid? I'd like to place a bet.

-What you got, big guy?
-A Winger Dinger.

Easy, there, big spender.
Don't break the bank.

Yeah, but who can blame him
for betting small?

Even he knows his kid won't win.

He's husky, pigeon-toed husky.

[all laughing]

That's it! Here!

I bet Winger Dingers
on my friend Tubby.

-[all] Oh!
-[fanfare plays]

The th Annual Kindergarten Derby
is about to begin.

Hustler kid, close all betting.

[all] Aw.

[growling]

Hey, what's that kid wearing?

None of your business.

I hate those guys.

As always, may the best little runt win.
Sound Effects Boy?

[clears throat]

[imitates p*stol]

[all] Yay!

Run, run!

-Faster, faster!
-Go, man, go!

Just finish, just finish, just finish.

[grunts]

Oh, no! This is terrible!

Yeah, those laces cost a fortune.

He's pulling away, your majesty.

Of course he's pulling away.
It's my all-sprinting strategy.

She's falling behind.

Don't worry, it's all a part
of my no-sprinting strategy.

Slow and steady, slow and steady,
slow and steady

[crying]

Slow and steady, slow and steady.

They're coming to Clown Slalom.

They're approaching
the Valley of Distraction, your majesty.

The Valley of Distraction.

It's done in more than one
promising kindergartner.

Why do you think
I put the blinders on him?

You're a genius, your majesty.
A true genius.

[panting]
Gilbert getting tired.

Gilbert getting tired.

Cindy b*at Gilbert. Cindy b*at Gilbert!

Cindy b*at--

Oh, shiny! I rich! I rich!

The Valley of Distraction got Cindy!

Well, there's always next year.

Hey, isn't that Mikey's kid?

Yeah, it sure is,
and he's catching up on Gilbert.

[Vince] You gotta be kidding me!

Mikey, if your kid passes Gilbert,

there's a very high probability
that he will win the race.

Winning isn't important, you guys.
I just want Tubby to finish.

[gasps]

[Mikey] No, Tubby! Don't eat the wrapper!

No eat wrapper. Tubby finish race.

[all] Go, Tubby, go! Faster!

Just finish, Tubby, just finish!

Hey, Mikey, you dropped your betting slip.

Let me see that!

Hey, he's got a Winger Dinger ticket
at to .

It matters not. I only made this bet
to support my young charge.

But, Mikey, with those odds
you could win enough Winger Dingers

to get you through high school.

Run, you little whomper! Run to win!

Win, win, win! Come on!

Giant boy say win, Tubby win.

Whoa!

Hey, is that fat kid ours?

No, sir. We only own Gilbert.

-But the big one's catching up.
-Don't worry, sir, Gilbert will win.

For your sakes, you had better hope so.

[panting]

He's gonna do it!

Run, Tubby, run!

Move it, you little brat,
or you're banished!

Run, brat! Run, brat!

[cheering]

You did it, Tubby!
You didn't only finish, you won!

You won!

Tubby win it for giant kid.

We just as good, we just as good.

We, uh, seem to have lost, your highness.

I can see that!

[sighs]
Well, might as well get this over with.

Kids of the playground,

I give you the winner
of the Kindergarten Derby, Tubby.

[cheering]

By the power vested in me as set down
on our constitution of the playground,

yada yada yada,
I hereby grant you one wish.

Tubby wish...

Tubby wish there be
no more Kindergarten Derby.

-[all gasp]
-No more Kindergarten Derby?

But it's a playground tradition.

The tradition bad.

My big brother Mikey showed me that.

He act like Tubby as a person,

but all you other big kids,
you treat us like horses.

You make us run
and don't care what we want at all.

Hey, the bigger kids did it to us
when we were little.

Just 'cause you treated bad
when you were little kid

don't mean treat little kid bad
when you big.

That not make it right.

Gee, I don't know.

[suspense music]

[sighs]
All right, fine!

The Kindergarten Derby is no more.

[all cheering]

So, big brother Mikey, did Tubby do good?

No, little friend, Tubby did great.

Good morning, children,
and welcome to career day,

the one day we ask you to take time out
from your little games,

your laughter, your flights of fancy,

and start worrying
about the future for a change.

Because the future is now.

If the future is now,
that means it's time for recess.

[giggling]

Now, without further ado,

let's give a happy welcome
to our first guest,

world-renowned orthodontist
Dr. Melvin Donahue, class of ' .

Whoo-hoo! Go, Dr. D! Ow.

Good morning, students, faculty, patients.

These may just look like teeth to you,

but to me, they tell a fascinating story.

It's a story of oral integrity...

This is gonna be one long assembly.

I knew shorthand by the time I was ,

and by , I had conquered
the secretary's Everest:

two-sided copying!

Over-officious show-off.

Of all the lessons I've learned as mayor
over the years,

the most important thing
is never say or do anything

that can be photographed or written down.

-[whispering]
-What? They are?

Oh, sorry, kids.

I thought you were striking lumbermen.

What I really meant to say is study hard,
choose soon, and vote often.

Thank you, Mayor Fitzhugh.
Truly inspiring.

And now it brings me
great pleasure to introduce

our final and, frankly, richest speaker,

president and CEO of ultra-successful
Gumoflex Sneakers Incorporated,

Mr. Pat Patterson.

[scattered applause]

I...

I...

I'm sorry. I can't do this.

Uh, there, you see?

That's how busy I want all of you to be
when you grow up. Dismissed.

-[bell rings]
-[children cheering]

Now that was a career day assembly.

Yeah, did you see how that guy
stomped off the stage?

He's what I call important.

A big whoop.
I still thought it was boring.

I mean, who cares
what a bunch of old geezers do for work?

Actually, Spinelli,
I found the assembly quite enlightening.

Perhaps we really do need to choose
our careers now

while we're young before it's too late.

Oh, come on!

No, Gretchen's got a point.

I mean, look at me,
I already know what I'm gonna do.

What's that, Vince?

I'm gonna be more rich and famous

than that Pat Patterson guy,
'cause I'm going to be a pro athlete.

Cool!

Yup, I'll be representing planet Earth
in the Intergalactic Games.

[man] And here he is,
the speedster of the solar system,

Vince "Earth Guy" LaSalle.

[cheering]

[speaking alien language]

Good luck to you, too, man.

On your mark, get set...

Eat my CO , you Indoor .

Come on, guys. We're wasting time here.

We should be playing some real games,

not yakking about games
Vince thinks might happen.

I don't agree, Spinelli. Choosing a career
is one of the most important decisions

a kid can make.

I've pondered long and hard
about what I want to be when I grow up.

What's that,
a professional snack food taster?

Close, but it's the verse that calls me.

I'm going to be a traveling poet,

the greatest bard minstrel of our time.

Technically, you'll be the only
bard minstrel of our time.

The rarer the flower,
the sweeter its smell.

[playing renaissance music]

Please, my dear gentleman,
I play for beauty, not money.

A flower for the lady?

Fair is fair, but thou art fairer by far

than to the fourth
of the fairest fines.

[sighs]

That'll be all, bard.

Fair is fair.

[Spinelli] Give me a break.

Hold on a minute, Spinelli,
Mikey can be a bard minstrel if he wants.

Yeah, any of us can be anything
we wanna be if we put our minds to it.

I quite agree. Well, there are dozens
of careers I've considered.

Shall I stamp out hunger, cure cancer,
or resolve conflicts at the UN?

That's why I've come up
with my ultimate solution,

I'm going to clone myself.

Let's go, girls, we have a world to save.

-[cheering]
-[Gretchen] Ow!

Hey, wait for me!
I've got the keys to the hoverbus!

Gee, with all those Gretchens,
none of us will ever have to think again.

Why, thank you, Gus.

By the way,
what do you wanna do when you grow up?

That's easy.
I plan to go into the family business.

Yes, siree, tomorrow's m*llitary
will be in my hands.

Disastrous!
How can we get across the river

and save those helpless villagers now?

It's time we call in reinforcements.

Diggers to base,
we need special commander Griswald.

[rumbling]

Mission accomplished.

I don't believe it.

Why not? I think Gus will make
a great soldier in the future.

Of course, somebody's got to sign
his checks. And that's gonna be me.

'Cause, guys, my dreams lead
to just one house.

It's white,
and only presidents live there.

[children] Whoa.

[man] Congratulations, Mr. President.

All nations of the world are now friends.

Very good, Menlo.

What do you say we invite them
over Saturday?

I'll look into it, sir.

Mr. President, have you considered

my national
no-wearing-white-after-labor-day bill?

I'm, like, waiting.

Not so fast, Senator Ashley,
first you have to say the secret password.

Like, what secret password?

-[buzz]
-[T.J.] Arrest her!

What? This is, like, an outrage!

Take it up with the supreme court.

Uh, sir, what is the secret password?

Same as always, "Finster whomps."

-[beeping]
-Uh-oh. Trouble.

Time for a little nuclear diplomacy.

So you're gonna be both president
of the United States

and our favorite superhero?

-That's what I'm thinking.
-Hey, can I sing at your inaugural ball?

Stop it! You guys are driving me crazy.

Can we please
just quit talking about this junk

and go play, please?

Not so fast, Spinelli.

We've all said what we wanna do.
What about you?

Yeah, what are you gonna do
with your life?

To tell you the truth, guys,
I'm not thinking much past lunch.

But, Spinelli, didn't you hear
what Principal Prickly said?

The future is now.

Yeah, if you don't get dibs
on the good jobs,

soon they'll all be gone.

One day you might wake up and be old.
And then what?

I'll worry about that later.
Now, who's up for kickball?

I'm not sure.

What job skills does that develop?

[sighs]

Having to figure out my whole future now.
What a load of hooey.

There's lots of things I could do.

Now, there's a job,
hanging from telephone poles.

Okey-dokey, Agnes, you're coming in
loud and clear at this end.

Nah, I hate blab.

[dogs barking]

Hmm. Professional dog walker.

Hey, mister,
how much you get paid to do that?

Oh, I don't get paid to do this.

I just love dogs.
I make my living as a lawyer.

But, either way, you're cleaning up
somebody else's mess,

if you know what I mean.
[laughs]

[Spinelli] Thanks for nothing.

What's this?

"Do you have what it takes
to have a career in art?

Draw Blinky and see."

I can't even draw Blinky!

I'm hopeless.

[man ] Need a new career?
Look no further.

It's time you learn to drive the big rig.

[man ] Get rich by placing one tiny ad.

[man ] Air conditioning
and refrigerator repair

has never been hotter.

[man ] Found a career in drywall?

No, no, no!

-[man ] Are you ready for...
-[man ] All it takes is...

[man ] You, too, can enjoy...

-No!
-[men] Your future!

[Gretchen] So, Vince, you just won
the Intergalactic Games.

How do you feel?

Out of this world, Gretch.

I'd like to thank
good old Principal Prickly

for forcing us to sit through career day,
thereby inspiring me to greatness.

Hey, I used to know that guy.

Sure, you did, and I bet you know

the president of the United States, too.
[laughs]

Hey, where are you going? Come back here!

I think I know you, too.

[Mikey] Fair is fair,
but thou art fairer...

[Spinelli] "Mikey the bard"? "Held over"?

Sorry, but the show's sold out
for the next month.

[applauses]

But I'm an old friend of the bard's.

Everyone is an old friend of the bard's.

-Now, move along. You smell.
-But-but...

Mr. President, it's me, Spinelli!

[tires screech]

Get a job.

[rumbling]

Mr. President, you forgot your gum!

No!

[panting]
Huh? Uh-oh. I overslept.

I'm gonna be late for school.

Gotta get to school,
gotta get good grades,

-gotta figure out a career.
-[horn honks]

[tires screeching]

Hey, kid, are you all right?

You're that guy. This is all your fault!

What? You're the one
who ran out in the middle of the street.

No, it was you and those other big sh*ts.

You came to our school,
and made us pick futures.

Oh, this is about that assembly.

Let's have a seat on that bus bench.

No, I can't. I'm late for stuff,
and I gotta figure out

what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life.

Relax, kid. You won't be late.
Ralph, circle.

Don't you think you're carrying

a little too much stress
for an elementary school kid?

Everyone says that if I don't decide
what I want to be today,

I'll never amount to anything.

You know, I went through
a lot of different jobs

before I got where I am today.

You mean, you didn't always know exactly
what you wanted to be?

Are you kidding?
First I thought I might be a doctor,

but I fainted at the sight of blood.

Then I tried being a fisherman,
but the boat made me seasick.

Oh, and then I looked into becoming
a commercial artist,

but I couldn't draw Biffy the Clown.

It was the donkey what did me in.

And then, one day I was pounding
the pavement,

trying to figure out what I wanted to do,

when I stepped on a huge piece of gum.

-Bummer.
-Yeah.

So I thought to myself,
if only there was a shoe

that gum didn't stick to.

And then it hit me like a flash.

So, years and one billion three hundred
and seven pairs

of Gumoflex sneakers later,

here I am, a success.

So, I don't have to know exactly
what I want to be this second?

Heck, no. That's what I wanted
to say upon that stage the other day.

I didn't know what I wanted
to be when I was nine-years-old,

and I turned out fine, right?

You know, Mr. Patterson, you're OK.

Thanks, kid. So are you.

Well, here's my ride. See you later, kid.

Hey, Mr. Patterson, you got a TV in there?

Yeah, and cable, too.

Spinelli, we thought
you were gonna miss the bell.

Sorry. I was in a business conference.

Does that mean you finally figured out
what you want to be?

Well, I've given it a lot of thought.

If I had to choose right now, I'd be...

I'd be... playing tag!

You're it!