03x21 - The Biggest Trouble Ever/The Rules

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

Wha!

Oh!

Ah!

[burps]

This is Mort Chalk, "big story ne-w-w-ws."

This is mort chalk, "big story news"!

What do you think, Ron?

Should I start it up around here?

You're the award-winning
journalist -- you figure it out.

Well, the old man
is finally back, safe and sound.

All we got to do now

is bolt the big guy
down to the pedestal.

Jerry, the bolts, please.

Criminey! I left them
in the van by my lunchbox.

Speaking of lunchboxes,
ain't it time for a bite?

What about bolting down old thad?

Aw, he ain't goin' nowhere!

[both laugh]

The ceremony starts
in a few minutes, Finster!

Is this place going to be spotless
before the Mayor gets here?

Everything is under control, sir.

Miss Finster! There's leaves
on the front lawn!

That's in the mayor's line of sight!

I can't have this day spoiled
by nature's dandruff!

Don't worry your important
little head, sir.

Leaf team to the front of the school
with rakes and sacks!

More leaves? Do I need to
say the word "tender"?

Not necessary, Teej.
With the additional foliage,

We'll undoubtedly be able to create

the largest leaf mound
ever seen in these parts.

The sooner we finish our work,

the sooner we can take turns pile-diving.

[Gus] Not that I don't love leaves,

but what's going on today, anyway?

The -year-old statue
of Thaddeus T. Third III

has been returned to its rightful place

in front of the school
that bears his name.

Gee! I don't remember any statue
ever being out here.

That's because it's been overseas
for eight years getting shined and --

[all gasp]

Thaddeus T. Third III!

He's so regal!

His chiseled features
seem to say,

"I'm an important fellow."

Not to me, Mikey.

To me they say, "Hop on, Jasper!

I'm built for climbing."

Mr. Mayor, distinguished guests,
"big story news" team --

It is an honor to host

this "welcome back, Thad" celebration,

welcoming back a man with whom
we all grew up,

a man for whom this
street and school are named,

A man named...
Thaddeus T. Third, the third.

[crowd gasps]

Heh heh.
How you doin', folks?

He's going over! Bail!

[babbling]

You gettin' this?

Prickly! Do you know
what this means?!

He certainly does, Mr. Mayor.

You six are in
the biggest trouble ever!

[all gasp]

The entire town, including this reporter,

is outraged over this senseless
act of destruction

aimed at a statue we all grew up with

and held so very close in our chests.

Acting decisively, mayor
fitzhugh and the city council

will convene a secret meeting tomorrow

to discuss a suitable punishment
for those rapscallions,

who will e'er be known as
"the destructive six."

and now for sports!

Unbelievable!

Man, oh, man. Mom and dad
didn't take too kindly

to the news last night.

Pop says I'm not allowed

to have another accident until I'm .

People were crying in the interviews!

It was tearing me apart!

Look, first thing we do
when we get to school

is knock on Prickly's door,
explain our side of the story,

and apologize up and down.

Good idea, Teej.
That should clear things up.

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah!

[Vince] Poppin' bobula!

Randall just got first flop
in our leaf pile!

No window-gazing for you six!
Time to start your punishment.

Now, I can make this difficult,
or I can make this difficult.

Miss Finster, ma'am, before detention,

we would like to speak
to Principal Prickly.

Ha! For obvious political reasons,

Principal Prickly can't afford
to be seen with you.

Now, follow me...
Vandals!

Gee, Miss Finster,

I don't know if I like
being called a vandal.

Maybe your new outfits
will help you feel the part.

New outfits?

[Miss Finster] My, my!
Don't we look so very...orange?

I trust "the destructive six"

are feeling constructive today?

Yes, sure we do, Miss Finster,

but when do we get to
tell people how sorry we are?

Enough back talk!

Time to receive your new tools.

But I already brushed my teeth.

Oh, they're not for your teeth.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

[laughs softly]

Well, my section of the floor
has no cavities.

[muffled laughter]

I believe my section will need
a tartar-control detergent.

[laughing louder]

No talking!

I want you kids busy and miserable!

[all sighing]

Day three --

As the mayor and city council
continue meeting secretly

to debate the proper punishment
for these --

for lack of a better word --
children, a town waits.

This is an absolute outrage!

[sniffling]

[all sniffling]

It's hard to tell where
the onion-crying stops

and the loss-of-a-carefree-
childhood crying begins.

It's going to be OK, Mikey.

What are you talking about, "brains"?

We're in the biggest trouble ever!

I'm perfectly aware
our situation is hopeless, Vince.

I was really trying to console Mikey.

Guys, we got to stay together.

Adults are already
doing enough to punish us.

We shouldn't punish each other.

When grown-ups want to
punish one of their own,

They have a trial and stuff.

Yeah, but kids?
They just throw the book at us. Bang!

There's one thing us kids know
how to do that grown-ups don't.

Break statues?

No, Gus. Turn onions into onion balls!

Spinelli, go long!

[Spinelli] Spinelli turns! She looks!

She's wide open!

Detweiler sees his receiver
by the sink! He throws!

[all cheering]

Back to work,
you six!

You had enough fun
riding that statue into oblivion.

[sighs]

Woah! This is going to take a while.

Look over there!

[laughter]

They're not doing it right!
Their form is atrocious!

Well, well. If it ain't you guys!

Get lost, Mundy! Things are bad enough
without you!

Hey! You got me all wrong.
I've always dreamed

of doing something so rotten
I got on the news,

but you guys went and demo'ed
a precious statue -- you rock!

It was an accident, and we're
very sorry about it.

Sure you are, Detweiler.

Got any more of them little scissors?
I wanna help with that.

Conrad!
Get back in the box!

I won't tolerate
ne'er-do-wells

fraternizing with the hooligans!

As for you six --

Step aside, Miss Finster.

The mayor would like to
address the, um, six.

I suppose you know I'm here
to announce your punishment.

Um, I thought this was our punishment.

Yes, Mr. Mayor. I believe I've done
a splendid job of cracking the whip.

Nonsense!

The city can't afford
to have you in cahoots any longer.

That is why we intend
to send the six of you...

to six separate schools.

[all gasp]

Separate schools?

But that's cruel and unusual!

You have to admit, your honor,
it is a little extreme.

Not according to the City Council.

They considered a pint-sized
prison just to hold the six of them.

Mr. Mayor, this isn't fair!

My friends and me have been
scrubbing and cleaning,

and we haven't been given
the chance to apologize or --

Tell it to the judge
at Tomorrow's hearing!

Hearing?
Who's the judge?

-Me!
-[laughs]

Any chance you have a plan
for this one, Detweiler?

No, ma'am, I do not.

An th-hour appeal
by the parents of the six

has been denied.

Behind this grand old facade,

a town unleashes
the full weight of its passion

on six bad apples.

Authorities have
allowed cameras inside,

but not this reporter.

He was thought to care...
Too much.

Let's join the action.

[Mayor] After much deliberation,
we here at City Hall

have decided to break up
"the destructive six,"

and scatter them throughout the district.

Mr. Mayor, can I say something?

I don't know. Can you?

[mumbling]

Sorry, sir.
May I say something?

That's better.

Your Honor, this whole time
we've been trying to say how sorry we are

that the statue broke,
so here it is --

We're sorry.
We didn't mean to break it.

Heck, we thought we were
supposed to climb it.

I guess we weren't.

But the thing is a priceless statue
doesn't feel anything

when it gets all broken up,

but, sir, a friendship
like ours sure does.

[murmuring]

[whispering]

Yeah, well. After some deliberation,

we agree what you said was very nice.

However, a beloved statue
has been broken

because you climbed on it,
and now you all must pay!

Your Honor, I must protest!
Basically, these are good kids --

Nice and be quiet, Prickly
or I'll have you sweeping up the city zoo.

I swing that kind of lumber.

Now, then. By the power vested in me,
yada yada yada,

I hereby sentence you,
"the destructive six" --

Wait!

[crowd gasps and murmurs]

It's Thaddeus Third III,

back from the grave to level
justice with his own hand!

Are you nuts?!
I'm thaddeus T. Third the fifth!

Now, sit down, or you're fired!

I don't work for you!
That's what you think!

Mr. Third, how nice to see you.

Thank you again for the lovely city hall.

I'm here about this ridiculous hearing.

You're treating these children
like hardened criminals.

But, sir, those children broke
the statue of your grandfather

by climbing all over it.

Before you condemn
these scamps for that,

I'd like you all to see something.

Ronny, Cheech -- get the lights
and the slide projector.

[coughs]

Look closely.

This particular swinger was
one Muriel P. Finster, age .

Oh, yeah.

Does anyone recognize

esteemed school principal
Petey Prickly, age ?

[laughing] Those were the days.

Here's a happy bunch of Tykes.

Let's get a little closer, hmm?

See that kid?

The one actually
trying to break the statue?

Well, folks,

that is our Mayor-to-be...
Little Phillip Fitzhugh.

That don't look too good.

Kids play.
Kids climb on statues.

It's what they've always done.
It's what they always will do.

If you're going to punish them for this,

why not punish them
for being shorter than you as well?

Well, I don't think any of us
were really suggesting --

Accidents happen, Fitzhugh!

Somebody says they're sorry,
and it's over,

you jingle-brained public servant.

Now, I strongly urge
you leave these children

to their games and studies.

Yes, yes!
Of course, sir.

I proclaim this matter closed.

Children, you're free to go have fun.

Get some sh*ts of me
apologizing to the kids.

[cheering]

Thanks a lot, Mr. Fifth!

It's third!

[Gretchen] Welcome back, folks,

to another game of third street kickball.

With us is Mikey Blumberg,
fourth-grade outfielder.

Mikey, you've played in a lot of games,

been there for the big clutch plays.

What do you think?

I think it's cherry, Gretch.
Thanks!

OK. Next up,
our very own Vince Lasalle.

All right, Lawson!
Give me your best sh*t.

See if you can handle this!

[children cheer]

[indistinct conversations]

Yeah!
All right!

What are you so happy about, Lasalle?

Ball in the dumpster --
a*t*matic out.

No way, Lawson!
Ball in the dumpster, a*t*matic home run.

Don't you know the rules?

You're the one
who doesn't know the rules.

-Oh, yeah?
-[screams]

Is it a homer or an out?

I must admit, Gus,
I really don't know.

I'm so confused!

Don't worry, Mikey, oh boy.

Whenever there's a problem with rules,

there's always one guy we can turn to.

"Chapter one -- I was a baby
when I was born.

I remember it all quite well.

when the doctor pulled me out,
I did not cry.

I issued commands -- 'bring me
some jerky,' I told them..."

There he goes again,
writing his life story.

Oh! If I was in charge, I'd show him
how to run this place.

I need a challenge.

Right now, the challenge
is to follow orders,

and orders are
"keep all intruders quiet

and at a distance."

Pffft! What's the big challenge in that?

[shouting]

Quiet, quiet!

Please, be quiet!

King Bob is doing important work!

He can't be disturbed.

[King Bob] Quiet!

What's all this noise about?

King Bob, we need a ruling.

If the kickball gets kicked in a dumpster,

is it a home run or an out?

I don't have time for this!

Jordan, Jerome -- go look it up
in the rulebooks.

-Rulebook, sire?
-In the library!

Yes, sir!

And be quiet about it!

Yes, sir.

Hoyle, Doyle, boyle...

Oh, man! There's a whole shelf
of these rulebooks.

I'll take this half, you take that one.

Wait. I think you missed one.

Hmm. It looks old.

[gasps] Great whoppin' bobula!

It's real!

It's really real!

"The King Mortimer Rulebook"

[murmuring]

Let it be recorded that I,
King Bob, have found

the long-lost rulebook
of the legendary King Morty!

The book of King Morty!

We're not worthy.

Written before the days
of our big brothers and sisters,

before the days of our moms and dads,

Morty's rules are old,
and therefore, they are wise.

Makes sense to me!

I hereby proclaim that,
from this day forth,

all games on the playground

Are to be played by
the rules of King Morty.

Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

Jordan and Jerome will act
as my royal fun police.

They shall see to it that
King Morty's rules are enforced.

Do as they tell you, so I don't have to.

[excited murmuring]

We won't let you down,
your highness.

Just see to it that I'm not bugged.

[sighs] Now, where was I?
Oh, yes!

"The Great
Graham-cr*cker Rebellion

had left the day-care center
bitterly divided."

Man, I can't believe it!

We're actually going to
be playing by the rules

of old King Morty himself.

Who is this Morty guy, anyway?

An old and wise playground king, Gus.

Before Morty, there was chaos
upon the playground.

He drove the snakes
out of the music room.

Morty rocked!

As far as I'm concerned,
whatever he said goes!

Let's start with that ball
lasalle kicked in the dumpster.

Hey, fun police!

We need a King Morty ruling.

Follow us.

"In the event a ball
is kicked in the dumpster,

said ball shall be recovered

and set aside with all other
balls for an emergency,

so as not to wear them out."

Continue.

"The person who kicked the ball,

hereafter referred to
as 'the kicker,'

shall then jump
into the dumpster himself."

OK.
Here goes nothing.

"Thus having
entered the dumpster,

the kicker shall
dig through the trash

until he finds
a discarded piece of fruit."

[sighs]
I'm in your hands, Morty.

All right!
I found an apple.

It's...kind of rotten, though.

"Rotten is fine."

"Having removed said fruit
from the dumpster,

kicker and pitcher shall
toss the fruit back and forth

until one or the other fails to catch it,

thereby losing the ruling
with regard to the dumpster."

You're going down, fruit boy!

In your dreams, apple bait!

[children cheer]

All right! I win!

Yeah, you win.
But hey, look at me!

I'm a walking, talking applesauce!

[all laugh]

Boy, that rule is fun --

And funny!

What do you say? Give us
the rules on some other games.

Very well.

I give you... Basketball!

Basketball?
But where's the basket?

"All baskets
are to be removed from play

and saved for the turnip harvest."

[murmuring]

"Each basket shall then be replaced

with a bucket of water and a wad of rags.

The first player
to wash his or her rag clean

is the winner."

But isn't that, like, a chore?!

Hey, if old King Morty
says it's a game,

it's a game!

What else you got
in that book, fun boy?

I give you... Four-Square!

[grunting] A stump?

What am I supposed to do
with a stump?

You throw it!

"The player who bounces
the stump

highest off the square opposite
is the winner."

[grunts]

My turn.

[grunting]

I enjoy the rip-roaring legends
of King Morty

as much as the next kid,

but this bouncing-stump business
is kind of not that fun.

[children murmur]

I refuse to wash any more rags!

My hands are getting, like, wet!

My pinkie is puckered!

I'm sweaty!

Yeah, and it ain't so fun being
walking, talking applesauce

Once the flies start coming 'round!

I'm starting to wonder
if these rules of King Morty

are so great after all.

Nonsense!
Let's try some dodge ball.

Gelman, get the stump.

[children scream]

This is bad, guys!

Maybe King Morty was crazy.

Not crazy, Gus, just poor.

What are you talkin' about?

Think about it, guys --
Morty was king in ,

a time when our school
and the whole world

was in the midst
of the great depression.

No one had the money to buy
balls or toys.

King Morty created his rules
so kids who had nothing

could play with whatever they could find.

Ah! That explains it!

Good ol' King Morty -- always
makin' things easier for kids!

Yeah, but nowadays, there are
plenty of balls to go around.

So let's forget these olden-time rules,

and get back to the games
we always play.

[whistle blows]

I'm afraid that cannot be allowed.

King Bob has ruled that we play
by the rules of King Morty,

Therefore we play by
the rules of King Morty.

But that's just dopey! I'm
going to King Bob about this!

[loud whistling]

Chip, teddy -- take this boy
to the cabbage field!

Cabbage field?

Hey! N-o-o-o-o!

I'm sorry that had to happen,

but your unrest has forced my hand.

These are the secret fun police.

They will enforce King Morty's rules,

They will ensure
that King Bob is not disturbed,

and they will keep order!

Get back to playing!

I don't want to wash any more rags.

Sorry!
Rules are rules.

[grunting]

Aw, man!
These rules whomp!

Does anybody remember
what it's like to have fun?

I can't remember
what it's like to have fun!

It's only been one day, Gus,
although it does seem

fun has been stamped out
with ruthless efficiency.

Oh, yes!

I won! My pile's bigger
than your pile, so I win!

I'm the winner kid!
I'm the winner kid! Yippee!

Hey, Morgan!
You're playing with crab grass!

Oh. Oh, yeah.

OK, that's it!

If you're as sick of
this rule stuff as I am,

then listen up,
because I got a plan.

Well, Jordan, I'd say
we've done a pretty good job.

Yep. Everything is nice and quiet.

A little bit too quiet.

Huh?

[coughs]

Hey!
Where'd everybody go?

[all cheering and laughing]

Man, Teej!
This was a great idea!

Like I always say,

"You can't stand between a kid
and his kickball!"

[whistle blows]

[all gasp]

On the authority of King Morty,

I order you to put down that ball!

Sorry, boys! We're not
listening to you anymore!

And we're not listening to
King Morty, either!

Is that so?

Foster, slappy --
apprehend this rule-breaker!

He'll be planting cabbage
till his voice changes!

You take him, you're gonna
have to take us, too!

And you don't have
a cabbage patch

big enough to hold us all!

Seize them!

St-o-o-o-o-o-o-op!

I take a little walk
to shake off my writer's cramp,

And what do I find? This!

King Bob!
Thank goodness you're here!

These criminals have been
breaking the rules!

Breaking the rules?
Is this true?

Yes.
Yes.

Yes, sir, King Bob, it's true,
and I'd do it again!

[gasps]

The impudence! Do you realize
what you're saying?

Of course he does!
If goin' by the rules

means washing rags
and playing with stumps,

then something's out of whack!

For rules must be built
on a foundation of common sense!

And not followed just because
they're written in some book!

You had them playing with stumps?

Well, you see, sir,
basically, uh, yes.

[laughs nervously]

I love King Morty
as much as the next kid,

but his rules --

They don't make any sense
anymore.

And if a rule
doesn't make any sense,

then a kid's got to fight
against it or go down playing.

What you say has
the ring of truth, Detweiler.

Scribe kid!
Get this down!

I hereby cancel King Morty's rules

and reinstate the old ones!

[children cheer]

Can we be in charge of those, too?

And if those rules don't work,

we'll continue to rework them
until they do!

[children cheer]

Only one problem, sir --

If you're always up on your throne,

writing your life story,

how are you going to know
if the rules are working?

Hmm. Good point.
I suppose you have a suggestion.

Just one -- how's about
I stomp your royal highness

In a good ol' game of kickball?

You...can...try!

[cheering]

And from this day forward,
let it be known

that if anyone ever kicks
a ball into a dumpster again...

Just flip a coin, OK?

[children cheer]

[bell rings]