03x23 - The Candidates/This Brain for Hire

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

[screams]

[screams]

[burp]

OK, people, this morning
we will accept nominations

for fourth grade president.
So, are there any nominations?

My fellow forth-graders.

He saw us through
the milk drought in first grade,

he steered us through
the Third Great Candy Recession

without the loss of a single life...

Dark, dark days.

And, my friends,
he is still among us today.

I nominate our once and future president

Vince LaSalle.

[all cheering]

[chanting] One more year!
One more year!

Thank you, thank you.

Know what? I accept.

-[all cheering]
-OK, quiet down, everyone.

Any other nominations?

We got Vince. Why would
we need other candidates?

Oh, now, part of what makes
democracy groovy

is getting to choose candidates.

How can you choose if there's only one?

You know, it is kind of boring--
Vince automatically winning every year.

I concur.

Why don't you run, Gretchen?

You're always yammering about how you want
to create that council of students.

Ah, yes, a utopian vision...

The council of students
will now come to order.

As your prefect, I recommend
we vote on my proposal.

All in favor say "aye."

[all] Aye.

Then it passes unanimously.

Every student shall enjoy
five hours of science a day.

[cheering]

Ah, the problems we could solve...

I nominate Gretchen Grundler!

Wait a minute, Spinelli.
I didn't agree to--

I second the nomination!

Good idea, Teej. It's not going to feel
like we win

unless we b*at somebody.
I third the nomination!

Well, then. I accept.

Thought you were too smart
to run against me, Gretchen.

Vince LaSalle, you are going down.

Now this is more like it.

Fourth-graders of Third Street,

I give you the candidate who runs faster

and kicks harder-- Vince LaSalle.

[all cheering]

Thank you, thank you. Friends,
I have always been the candidate

committed to running fast
and kicking hard.

Now I say to you as we approach
this historic moment,

I can run faster and kick harder
than ever before.

[all cheering]

Another election in el banco.

What does Kickball have to do
with being a good president?

F.D.R. couldn't play a lick.

It's time we took issues to the people.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Now get out there
and start promising them stuff.

Uh... er... my fellow voters,

if elected, I have many things
I want to do,

and I've spelled out my proposals

in the following
-point austerity program.

Oh, brother.

Point one: I propose we shut down

any drinking fountains
with little or no traffic.

Point two: electric pencil sharpeners
are an obvious...

Finally, number :

by switching from plastic to paper straws
in the lunchroom,

we will save enough funds
for a new CD-ROM encyclopedia

in a mere years, and--

[dog whines]

[sigh] Well, that was humiliating.

Relax, I got a plan. I asked around
the jungle gym

and according to my polls,

approximately half of all voters
consider themselves girls.

-So?
-So, hello! You're a girl.

That's immaterial to who
would be the best president.

Trust me, Gretch. I know what I'm doing.

Girls for Gretchen! Girls for Gretchen!

Girls for Gretchen! Girls for Gretchen!

Girls for Gretchen!

Girls for Gretchen!

Girls for Gretchen! Girls for Gretchen!

She's actually getting some support.

I'm still going to win
and everything, right?

Don't worry your handsome head, Vince.

I got a plan, a little something I learned

from the presidential election of .

And so, as the nominee
of the Girls for Gretchen Party,

I promise to work unceasingly
to build a bridge

to the next grade and beyond.

[cheering]

I promise to form a council of students,
one from every grade,

to solve the problems
facing every Third Streeter.

And furthermore, I promise to--

To do everything I can to-- to--

Something's up. Let's tail them.

[Ashley A.] And if you, like,
vote for me,

I won't invite you to my birthday party,

but photos from it will be posted

where you can see them, and then you can,
like, totally imagine you were there.

[girls cheering]

So that's Detweiler's game--

Split the vote just like Wilson did
back in the general election of ?

Well, two can play at that game.

Well, problem solved.
No more splitting the girl vote.

Ashley A. is still able
to walk, isn't she?

Yeah, I just promised her she could be
our ambassador to the sixth grade.

But, Spinelli, that's a crucial post.

Tensions with the sixth grade
are at an all-time high.

Politics, Gretch: one hand
washes the other.

Why do I feel so dirty?

[chanting] Girls for Gretchen!

[chanting] Vince! Vince! Vince!

It's awful, awful! Friend against friend,

reading group member
against reading group member.

Yeah, but look at the free buttons.

Yes, Gus, buttons are fun,
but don't forget

those flashy baubles represent friends.

Friends who helped us when we were down,

friends we cherish,

and friends we must now choose between.

Get them off me! Get them off me!

There's a recount in my soul.

Now, remember, girls like
guys who are sensitive, OK?

Be sensitive.

All right, already. I'm sensitive.

OK, do it.

[clears troat]

[crying]

There, there, young man.
There's nothing to be upset about.

I will continue to provide
strong leadership for this grade

right up to the last day of school
into the summer break.

Thanks, Vince. Things seem
so much better and brighter now.

I'm voting for you, and I hope
all my friends will, too.

[cheering]

That Vince is so sensitive.

He's got my vote.

So Vince and T.J. think
they've cornered sensitivity.

Well, my polls show that fourth-graders

are most impressed with pure naked height.

If you ask me,
this is downright dishonest,

Not to mention... Whoa! Unsafe.

No one is going to vote for me because--

Wow, you're tall!

You can sure count on our votes, Gretchen.

See? Two more votes wrapped up.

Yeah, but at what cost?

[thud]

No way, Teej. I'm not doing it.

You want to b*at Gretchen, don't you?

[sighs] You better be right, man.

[cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering]

The kissing pets routine.
Why didn't I think of that?

Come on, Gretch. We can't let them
steal our votes.

Meet Messy.

He eats crickets, wax worms,
and night crawlers.

[gulps] To be honest, I don't know
if this ritual is very sanitary.

[all gasp]

That is... I have a cold,

and I'd hate to infect the little darling.

[cheering]

Whew.

Very good, ladies. Very good, indeed.

According to my polls, the vote
is split right down the middle--

Boys for Vince, girls for Gretchen.

But fortunately, there's
two more boys than girls in our grade,

which means, Vince, old buddy,
we got the election locked up tight.

One problem: two of those boys

are also good friends
with Gretch and Spinelli.

Yeah, Mikey and Gus.

Where have those two been lately?

Mikey? Gus?

Me not Mikey. Me kindygartner.

Yeah, and me not Gus, either.

Come on, guys. We just want to know
we can count on your votes tomorrow.

Yeah, maybe we could buy you guys
a soda or something.

So trying to bribe voters, eh?
Well, two can play that game.

Come on, guys, me and Gretch
will buy you an ice cream.

We'll buy you an ice cream float.
That's ice cream in soda mix.

Oh, yeah? We'll buy you
a float and a burger to go with it.

We'll buy you a float and two burgers.

Three burgers.

-Four.
-[Mikey screams]

Gus and I have decided
to use our democratic,

but socially frowned-upon option,
not to vote for anybody.

But if you two don't vote,
it's going to be a tie.

Sorry, but we made our decision.

Now come, Mikey. It's nap-nap time.

[crowd murmuring]

Fellow fourth-graders,
welcome to the final speeches

of the fourth grade presidential election,

sponsored by us,
the league of Ashley voters.

And now our first candidate--
Vince LaSalle.

OK, man, give them something real,
something from the heart--

Speech number seven.

Right, right, number seven.

Friends, classmates, fourth-graders,
we stand at a crossroads,

a bridge to the horizon of the future.

And who do you want to lead you
into that future? Gretchen or me?

I have kicked more Kickballs
over the school fence

than any kid in Third Street history.

Gretchen has kicked none.

[murmuring]

In conclusion, I ask this question:

who should lead you?
I believe the answer's obvious.

Vote LaSalle, because a vote
for me is a vote for a winner!

[boys cheering]

Top that, Gretchen.

We will. You go, girl.

[clears troat]

Boys and girls of Third Street--

A lot has been said
over the past few days,

very little of it worthwhile.

So I just want to take
this one last opportunity

to talk to you about the issues,
or at least one important issue.

Oh, no, she wouldn't,
not after all I've done for her!

See, I have this idea--
more like a dream, really--

A council of students made up
of representatives from every class.

A counsil that listens to what kids need

and then presents those needs
to the faculty.

Now, I know I'm not
the coolest kid in school

or the most popular,
but I promise you one thing:

if you elect me, I'll work hard
to make my dream,

and maybe some of yours, a reality.

Girls for Gretchen!

[girls cheering]

[sighs] Good luck, Vince.

Good luck to you, too, Gretchen.

OK, everyone,

the fourth-grade teachers
have added up the votes,

and the winner is...

by a single vote, Gretchen Grundler!

-[all cheering]
-In your face! In your face!

[chanting] Gretchen! Gretchen! Gretchen!

Gretchen! Gretchen! Gretchen! Gretchen!

Admit it, Teej, we creamed you guys bad.

Yeah, yeah, just wait till next year.

But until then, let's play some Maul Ball!

I got first ups!

You coming, man?

No, I think I'm going to sit this one out.

[sighs]

Hey, Vince, you OK?

Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

Listen, Vince, I know how much
this election meant to you.

Yeah, I've been class president
every year since kindergarten,

and now, for the first time
in my life, I lost.

If it's any consolation, I was
just as surprised as you were.

Oh, I wasn't surprised.

-You weren't?
-Don't let it get around but,

the vote you won by? It was mine.

You mean you voted for me? But why?

Because you were right.

You wanted to win
so you could do something cool.

But me? I just wanted to win
so I could win.

I don't know what to say.

Just do a great job, OK?

I will. But first, there's something
very important I have to do.

Oh, yeah, you got to put together
that council of students.

No, more important than that:
I got to play a game of tetherball

with a worthy opponent and a good friend.

-You think it's over?
-I sure hope so.

This face paint's beginning to itch.

[tires squeal]

Wow.

That's the stuff dreams are made of.

High-speed, horn-honking,
wheelie-popping dreams.

Whoever gets that bike is going to be
the luckiest kid in town.

[wheels squeak and rattle]

What's everyone looking at? Me again?

Only until we're sucked back
to looking at Ruddler's Red Rocket.

I tell you, old man Ruddler
really outdid himself on that baby.

To think it was forged by the hand of man.

Sure would make a good replacement

for your old bike, huh, Gretch?

Indeed. Sadly, my birthday just passed,

and Christmas isn't for several months.

Heck, Gretch. Just save up your allowance

and you'll be riding that sucker
in no time.

No, I'm still paying off
that mainframe computer

I purchased last year.

I am afraid Ruddler's Red Rocket is out
of Gretchen Grundler's grasp.

Well, we better get to school.

-You coming, Gretch?
-You guys ride on ahead.

I'm just going to ogle what I can't have
for a moment.

Suit yourself.

Why, oh, why did I request bulk chemicals
for my birthday?

Homework collection time.

Can't you just feel the energy?

Now, take out your assignments.
I'll come and gather them.

Thank you, Gretchen, I look forward
to reading your thoughts

on how the male authors
of the constitution

helped shaped our gender-biased society.

I look forward to your thoughts
on my thoughts, Miss Grotkey.

Spinelli, have you got your homework?

No, a dog ate it.

Uh, T.J., this paper is moist.

Well, you see, my dog, we call him
Scruffster-- Well, he tried to eat it.

I managed to wrestle it away,

but, well, ma'am, saliva and ink
just don't mix.

I see. You have a scrap
of paper on your lip.

Oops. [nervous laugh]

-Vince?
-Eh... My brother ate it.

Eaten by a family member, huh?
That's a new one.

I think I've heard enough.

OK, class, I'm afraid
I have no other alternative.

Everyone who "lost"
his or her homework last night

will be challenged tonight
with a double load.

A double load?

It already takes forever.
Now it'll take twice as long.

But for everyone
who did do the assignment,

you have the night off.

Yes! Whoo-hoo!
I mean, boo, the unfairness?

Man, how much did that doble load
of homework whomp?

The only reason Miss Grotkey
did that to us kids

is because she doesn't have a TV.

She's totally unaware
of what's even out there.

Very good, Spinelli. Curious to discover
what I've been missing,

I decided to use my leisure time

to watch "The adventures
of Beanie McChimp."

I found it a terrifically powerful drama
laced with scintillating humor

and a lot of heart.

Grundler, you got to help me!

-No, she doesn't.
-I didn't do my homework last night.

Mr. Noble said he was going
to keep people after school

until they finish it.

Excellent idea. It'll give you time
to catch up.

Come on, Grundler, do my homework
for me, please?

I'll give you money.

Oh, please, you insult me.

Wait a second, Gretch,
don't be too hasty.

Yeah, that fiver could be the first drop
in your bike bucket.

If you know what I mean.

What? I'm not going to take money
to help Randall cheat.

It ain't cheating. What if I were
to study the work you do for me

so I could do it on my own?

What's the word for teaching someone
but you're not a teacher?

-Tutoring?
-Yeah, yeah, tutoring.

You could be my tutor.

Tutoring is just another word for helping.

True, and many college students do pay
their tuition in just such a manner.

-I'm saying!
-Well, alright, I suppose I could.

Good. Do my homework fast.

I am warning you, though,
this stuff is really--

[Gretchen] Done.

[bell rings]

[children cheering]

Hey, Weems, how'd you get an "excellent"
on your homework?

When it comes to book learning,
you're dumber than a post.

Well, it just so happens I have
a private tutor.

My book learning is
someone else's job now.

No kidding. Who is it?
Come on, spit it out!

G-Gretchen Grundler.

I suppose for a few greenbacks,
she'd tutor you, too.

But I'm a full grade ahead of her.

Sure, on paper. Believe me,
she can handle your work.

Leave me alone, Weems.
I got a tutor to hire.

I wonder if Gretchen could
clear up fractions for me.

I wonder if she can work a protractor.

[talking excitedly]

[whistles]

Then Beanie McChimp managed to open
the elevator escape hatch,

climb up the cable, and jimmy it loose.

Wow. So the pregnant lady made it
to the delivery room in time?

Precisely, and Beanie himself
delivered the healthy baby boy.

It's true what they say.

♪ Ain't no chimp like Beanie McChimp ♪

Grundler, I hear you're a tutor.

Well I... have some experience.

Then tutor me. My allowance
is burning a hole in my pocket.

-Tutor me too!
-Me first, meatball.

Randall got an "excellent".
I want an "excellent," too.

Wait a minute, that was just
a one-time thing. I don't--

Come on, Gretch, think about it
for a second.

You'll be helping kids and saving
for your bike at the same time.

With me and the guys managing
this new business of yours,

you could be riding
that Red Rocket by Friday.

Well...

Lawson, you got yourself a deal.
Everybody else, get in line.

The Grundler tutorial service
is open for business.

[all talking]

Thank you. Thank you.

Pleasure doing business.

Gee, I don't know what to say.

[shouting]

All right, here you go.
Thank you for contributing

to the "Get Gretchen
some decent wheels" fund.

You mean you had her
do your homework, too?

Well, I am just, you know,
trying to help out with the bike.

Yeah, right. Me too.

Now, remember, these papers are only
a guideline, a study tool if you will.

Use them to enhance your own work.

What's she talking about?

She doesn't want us just to copy
our paper.

We should throw in our own misspellings
and junk, If you know what I mean.

Got it.

Well. that's not exactly what I was--

Quiet, teach. I'm studying over here.

Will everyone who actually
did their homework last night

please raise his or her hand?

Oh, my, this is very exciting.

Perhaps an intellectual challenge
is what you people needed all along.

Ruddler's Red Rocket is
right around the river bend.

I'm going to need a new helmet to match.

We'll let the girl finish the report,
and then you and I will go to lunch.

Savings to the company--
. billion smackers.

Boy, those fliers we sent around
really did the trick.

I don't know, Vince. Gretchen's looking
a little worked-over.

Yeah... She's young. She'll snap back.

No pushing back there! There's plenty
of Gretchen's brain to go around.

Boy, Gretch, business is booming.

Booming, yes, but if my calculations
are right, and they always are,

I'm looking at about hours
of homework tonight.

That rules out "Beanie McChimp."

But just think of that beautiful bike.

[sighs]

Gretchen, dear, are you still up?

Just finishing my homework, Mom.

Oh, look at all that.

You know, this new quadruple homework
mandate is a bit excessive.

I think I'll have a word
with Miss Grotkey.

No! I mean... Please don't.
I can handle it.

I have a feeling this is only temporary.

Well, all righty, but get to bed soon.

Breakfast is in an hour.

[snoring]

Thank you, thank you. Very nice.
Excellent margins and footnotes.

Gretchen?

[mumbles] The hypotenuse
is equal to the--

-Gretchen!
-Huh?

Oh, Miss Grotkey, what are you doing
in my bedroom?

Oh, I must have dozed off.

May I have your homework, please?

I don't have it. I was so busy
doing everyo--

I mean, my computer ate it?

Gretchen, I am worried about
my star pupil.

Just when everyone else is rising
like a phoenix, you're falling.

Should I speak to your mother?

No! Why do you adults always want
to talk to each other?

Just give me an opportunity
to show you I know the material.

Well, you are lucky, Gretchen,

because it just so happens
that today our entire school

is going to participate
in a little pop quiz.

[all complaining]

Now, clear off your desks, people,
and prepare to enjoy the challenge.

Nothing like a pop quiz to wake a girl up.

No more all-nighters because
I finally got the money.

Who's up for watching me buy
Ruddler's Red Rocket after school today?

Didn't you hear Grotkey?

The kids who didn't pass the pop quiz

have to stay after school and study.

And guess what. None of us passed.

But I tutored each and every one of you.

Well, actually, Gretchen,
you just did our homework for us.

But you were supposed to study it.

Gretchen, what color
is the sky in your world?

Well, well, you're the first
Third Streeter I've seen all day.

Where is everybody?

They're all still at school.
They sort of failed a quiz.

Then you must have passed
with flying colors.

And I can see you've got your eye
on Ruddler's Red Rocket.

Yeah, it seems I finally
have enough to buy it.

Well, I was hoping that baby
would go to somebody special.

I don't feel all that special
right now, Mr. Kelso.

Really? What's the matter?

Well, I think I talked myself
into believing

I was helping my friends for money
because I wanted the bike.

But now it's turned out all I really did
was mess them up worse

than they were before.

Hmm. It's never too late
to do the right thing.

-What do you mean?
-Well,

if you think you got
that money in the wrong way,

maybe you ought to just give it back.

Give the money back...

Yeah! Thanks, Mr. Kelso. Thanks a lot.

Goodbye, Ruddler's Red Rocket.
I'll miss you.

[woman] Aaron?

Yes, Dear?

Did you just turn away more business?

Kind of looks that way, dear.

How many times do I have
to tell you not to do that?

One of these days you're going to drive us
right into the poorhouse.

Yes, Dear. I know, Dear.

Hello, Mrs. Detweiler. Is T.J. home?

Yes, Gretchen, he and Spinelli
are doing their homework.

-Would you like to come in?
-I would, thank you.

Come on, Spinelli, we got to finish
this report on volcanoes.

I know everything I need to know.

When they blow, run like heck,
or you'll be lava dust.

I believe you mean lava ash.

Gretchen, what are you doing here?

I've come to pay for the chance
to be your real tutor.

-Huh?
-Through Operation Refund,

I'll help you with your homework
and teach you valuable study tips

that in a few weeks will put
that pesky pop quiz in its place.

You mean you're going to pay us
to be your students?

Absolutely. Now, regarding volcanoes,

the key to understanding
their mighty power is...

Hi, Mrs. Blumberg. Is Mikey at home?

Hi Mrs. LaSalle. Is Vincent at home?

Hello, Mrs. Weems. Is Randall home?

Good evening, Mrs. Lawson.

Is, uh... is, uh... Is Lawson home?

These last six weeks have been
some of the most soul-satisfying

I've spent as an educator.

Oh, jeez, you don't think
she's going to cry, do you?

Your homework has been inspired,

and after that first rocky outing,

your quiz scores have soared.
I'm so very proud.

To reward you all for your hard work,
and because I'm an advocate

of a balance between education
and recreation,

I'm going to let you out
five minutes early today.

Go ahead. Start your weekend.

[cheering]

Well, I suppose getting
everyone out of school early

is better than having
a dumb old new bike anyway.

[sighs]

Hey, teach.

What's this for?

In honor of everything you did for us...

-All of us...
-Did this...

For you.

For me? Why?

You helped make me book smart.

So get on it already, before
I report this illegal assembly.

[cheering]

Uh-oh. I guess this means we have
to get Miss Grotkey a car.

[bell rings]