03x34 - Terrifying Tales of Recess

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Recess". Aired: September 13, 1997 - January 16, 2006.*
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Six brave fourth-graders at Third Street School make it their mission to protect the other kids on the playground.
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03x34 - Terrifying Tales of Recess

Post by bunniefuu »

[bell rings]

[children cheering]

Waa!

Umph!

Aagh!

[belches]

[school bell rings]

Hello, kids, I'm Principal Prickly.

As you've no doubt noticed, today is
Halloween here at Third Street School.

What better time to remind you
of some nifty Halloween hints?

One, consider this day
an exciting opportunity

to practice healthy nutrition.

Two, wash your hands
with an antibacterial soap

after knocking on your neighbors' doors.

Three, please be quiet. Four--

[grunting]

Ah, don't worry. It's me, Butch.

And that was just a mask.

Had you pretty scared, didn't I?

Well, good, 'cause that's what
Halloween's all about.

Getting dressed up, getting candy,

and getting scared out of your wits!

It's also about being careful.

Some pretty scary stuff can happen
when you don't watch your P's and Q's.

Take this scary story, for example,

of something that really,
actually, truly happened,

bringing new meaning to the old saying
that you are what you eat.

[telephone ringing]

[operator] Hello. This is the operator.

Transatlantic operator?
Get me Gothicshire Foods.

Yes, sir. I'll try ringing them.

Please hurry.
This is a snack-chip emergency.

[door closes]

Sorry, luv, but their line is dead.

Dead? But they just sent an order of chips
that have never been tested!

I can't sell chips
that have never been tested!

Um... I'll test them.

Mmm. These are tasty.

[deep voice] Very tasty.

You gotta ring through again.
I'm afraid something terrible--

[growls]

No! No!

[indistinct conversations]

Guys! Guys! Did you hear the news?

Mr. Kelso was att*cked by a monster!

I picked up the police bulletin
on my cellular satellite array.

Poor sweet Kelso.

He's OK, Mikey.

They've already downgraded his condition
from scared stiff to spooked silly.

However, his pyramid of canned yams
will never recover.

Oh, no.

It's happening all over again.

You know something about this, Gus?

Only that when my dad was stationed
in Gothicshire, England,

a monster was attacking shopkeepers

all over the city.

I got so scared, I slept with a torch.

That's Brit talk for flashlight.

Well, you won't need a torch
with us around, Gus.

Gretch, you got Galileo with you?

Does the quadratic formula
got a square root?

That I do not know.
What I do know is this...

We've got a monster to find.

Indeed, Gretchen, there is a similarity

between the Gothicshire monster
and the att*ck on your Mr. Kelso.

After several att*cks on corner markets,

Scotland Yard captured the Gothicshire
monster and locked him in a cage

suspended above a vat of sulfuric acid.

But the next day,
it had transformed into... a man!

[all] Woah!

So they had to let him go.

Hey, Teej, that's just like that episode
of "Monster Hunter, P.I."

"The thing that turned into a man."

Right, and if I know my American history,

our monster must have some kind
of transforming potion.

Or something edible.

A salty snack food, for example.

In fact, it's imperative
that you all be on the lookout for...

Come on, froggy, spill,
before I croak you!

Gadzooks! I'm afraid Galileo's batteries
have run down.

What bad, creepy, unlikely timing.

-[rustling]
-What was that!

[gasping]

Hello, chums.

[all] Randall!

Where do you get off calling us "chums"?

We uncursed humans are all chums when
there's a monster stalking the school.

-Stalking the school!
-Could it be?

That's what I hear, seems Kelso came
out of his heebie-jeebies long enough

in the hospital this morning to say
the monster who att*cked him was

a student from our school.

But-- but that's
a terrifying development!

Who could it be?

I don't know. I just say we stick together
and keep an eye out.

[whistling]

Hey, Cornchip Girl, where you going?

Cafeteria. I'm helping out today.

Well, be careful.
There's a monster prowling around school.

I know. I know.

You wanna add chips to our menu?

They taste very good.

The kids will be wolfing them down.

Look, girlie, if we wanted kids eating
food that tasted good--

-We'd retire.
-[laughter]

Um, I'm afraid I can't take
no for an answer.

[ringing]

Battery installation is complete
and Galileo is now fully operational.

Turn him on, Gretch, fast!

[yawns] Oh, hello, Gretchen!
I guess I dozed off.

No time for pleasantries, Galileo.

You were about to tell us the secret of
the monster's transformation.

Oh, damn me, as I was saying you must
all be on the lookout for...

-Here, Mikey.
-Mmm. English crisps.

With new spicy wolfsbane flavor.

Mikey, no!

But, T.J., why did you jostle me?

It's those chips, Mikey,
they're the ones that turn people into--

A monster?

[crunching]

Run for your ever-loving lives!

[growls, snorts]

[kids screaming]

Hey, you! No running in the halls!

And no ripping off these doors!

Well, everyone, I surmise
we've found our monster.

-And I say we should go after it.
- [all] Huh!

Guys, there comes a time in every
-year-old's life

when he's gotta face his monsters.

Meet me at the roof-access
ladder in five minutes.

Look! The monster's prints end
at the access ladder.

-How'd Gus know?
-Elementary, my dear Spinelli.

What did he call me?

As you may recall from
the "Monster Hunter P.I." season finale,

"Monsters on the rooftop,"

hairy, transforming,
English-style monsters

always hide on the roof.

Spiffy threads, Gus.

Indeed.
Now let's put an end to this madness.

[cockney accent] Hold on, gov'nor.

Me and me mates here
would like to lend a hand.

That monster spilled our bloomin' lunch!

Glad for the help, cockney kid.

Now, half of you come with me.

The rest cover the playground.

Dash it.
A fog seems to be rolling in.

[bell tolls]

There's the hairy beast,
behind that chimney!

After her, guys!

[growls, snarls]

OK, monster,
time to cash in your chips!

[growls, snarls, gasps]

[thud]

It's me in here, Gus. Help me.

[growls]

Ah!

So long, monster.
This one's for Mr. Kelso!

[snarling]

[screams]

Thank you, Mikey man.

Gee, Gus, how'd you know that would work?

Classic monster physics, Spinelli.

Fear of falling will turn
any transmogrified monster

to its normal state.

I first stumbled upon the idea
about halfway up the ladder

when I noticed how perilously
high we were climbing.

Adding in the fact that I knew
Mikey had gotten into position

and he's never once yet dropped
a falling human,

I knew I couldn't go wrong.

How are you feeling, Cornchip?

Much better, thanks to you guys,
and this cocoa.

Good news, we've rounded up all the bags
of Yeolde Crisps.

Please, put them where they'll
never do harm to anyone again.

You heard her, Vince, roof 'em.

[grunts]

Well, guys, chalk this up as a victory

for our very own monster hunter.

Gee, I'm just glad We never have to worry
about scary creatures ever again!

What's that?

[all talking excitedly]

Ooh, 'tato chips. Yum!

[growls]

And you thought them
kindergarteners was cranky

when they missed their nap.

I'm gonna take a break now
so you kids can shake off

your big old case of the willies.

Then... Oh, then I'll be back.

I expect you'll be back, too...

Unless you're chicken!

So, I see you came back
for more real-life, terrifying tales

that positively, absolutely,
definitely, really happened!

I respect that in a kid,

which is funny, 'cause this
next story's about just that...

Respect.

And what happens when there
just ain't enough of it.

[Mikey] There you go, dear Pegasus.

Now when children hear your jolly sound,

they'll always know it's you.

Ah, it's such a pity I have to go inside
and leave you here.

And on such a glorious day as this. Huh?

[thunder rumbles]

Oh, no, thunder. We better get inside!

But-- but-- what about my Pegasus?

Don't worry about it. It's just a bike.

Yeah, they live to be outside.

Whereas we should take shelter

from this eerily sudden
and unexpected storm.

Farewell, Pegasus.

May your rustproof paint prove worthy.

Oh, Pegasus, your voice so tender

is the ace 'neath your fender.

It's a bike, for pete's sake.

Whom do I prefer to canoe,

plane, zeppelin, or bus,
none other than you,

-thou sweet-tempered Pegasus.
-[applause]

Thank you, Third Street!

Thank you, Mikey.

And might I say, it was truly far-out
how you attributed a human soul

to an inanimate object.

[clicking]

Hark! The pleasing sound
my cherished Pegasus makes

when I'm riding it,
except I'm not riding it.

[crash]

[Principal Prickly] Gosh darn it!

Who put this thing here?

I didn't do nothing!

Pegasus! How did you get here?

So, this is your bike, eh, Blumberg?

You know bikes aren't allowed indoors.

Take it back outside where it belongs.

This is very strange.

I know I didn't leave Pegasus inside.

There must be some logical
explanation how it got here.

I know. Pegasus wanted to be near me.

Mikey, we got news about your bike.

It's... a... bike! Huh?

Hey, it's rolling by itself!

That's odd.

It's impossible for a bike to stay
balanced without a rider.

That's odder and even more impossible!

Unless it's... alive!

Alive? Oh, jolly Pegasus!

I knew you had a soul!

Don't be afraid, little fella.

Pegasus?

Uh... I don't think it's afraid anymore.

Run!

[screaming]

Miss Finster. Miss Finster!

[beeps]

[panting] I'm flummoxed!
This defies all known laws of physics!

Oh, Pegasus, what have I done
to incur your wrath and betrayal?

Don't blame yourself, Mikey.

Some bikes are just born bad.

And what are you people doing here?

Mikey's bike is on a rampage!

I see.

Oh, no. The bike cut the power!

Don't worry. He's still gotta find us.

[screaming]

Quick, Menlo, the window jimmy!

Come on!

[Menlo] But that's not
the proper operation of a window-jimmy!

Here! The supply closet!
Go! Go! Go!

We can't keep running forever!

Well, I could, but you guys can't!

Guys, what do bikes fear most?

-The internal combustion engine?
-A sissy bar?

A bicycle built for two?

Worse, flat tires.

No, T.J., I won't let you!

Sorry, Mike-O, it's the only way.

Are you sure you're up
to chaining this thing?

Oh, yeah, it takes me back to
my old -wheelin' days!

[clicking]

[screaming]

[Principal Prickly] Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[screaming]

-It's Prickly.
-It's Finster.

It's showtime.

[panting] This... is... exactly why kids
shouldn't bring... bikes to... school.

-Oh, no!
-Ah!

[clicking]

Hey, dirt bike...

Think you can ace the tour de Vince?

[popping]

No!

I dreamed you would come to life

but my dream became a -wheeled nightmare.

Hush. Save your strength.

The tires! They're reinflating!

[Principal Prickly] Attention!
Evacuate the school!

This is not a drill!

Repeat, this is not a drill!

[screaming]

But Pegasus is still after us!

I'm on it, boy.

You were right, sir.

That cell sure does come in handy.

Welcome to your new prison,
you -speed pile of junk!

[banging]

Farewell, sweet Pegasus.

Please understand that I loved you
as no boy has ever loved a bike,

but you were naughty,
and so I'm glad you're imprisoned

and can never hurt anyone again.

[bells ding]

[dinging]

Gosh, the rain sure makes it dark.

Hmm. That's better.

Oh, no! Et tu, red rocket?

[screaming]

Back! Back! That's right.

Bad trike!

[clicking, dinging]

[bell dings]

Maybe we're done for, guys.

But you gotta admit,
our bikes came to life...

and that's pretty cool.

[all] Yeah.

The bus. We're saved!
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

The entire school on one vehicle?

But that's far above
the state-mandated maximum number of--

Move it, Menlo!

About time the calvary showed up.

Let's hear it for the busdriver!

-Yay! Yay!
-What do you say, Bertha? Bertha?

Uh-oh.

So let that be a lesson to ya.

Bikes and school buses got feelings, too.

Treat 'em right,

And if you know what's good for ya,
don't leave them out in the rain.

Ah, there's nothing more
harmless and wholesome

Than a playground during recess.

Boo!

[laughter]
Good one, happy little kid.

But did you ever wonder
what happens around this joint

when the sun goes down?

If you're smart,
you won't stick around to find out.

Or you just might find yourself falling
down a dark, black hole of spookiness

with no way out!

Hey, Gus, you gotta stop playing with
that t*nk and give it back to Milton.

I know, Teej, but it's
the haunted pumpkin head brigade!

They struck terror into the enemy
and knocked down the Berlin wall!

Unless you believe those history books!

Gus, you pinkie-swore Milton
you'd give it back by recess!

You never go back on a pinkie swear!
It's bad luck.

I know, but--

No supernatural m*llitary toys
on the playground, Griswald.

Hand it over.

But it's not mine! It's Milton's.

That's your problem, not mine.

Hey, my t*nk!

Thanks a lot for breaking
your pinkie swear, Gus!

I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!

Boy, that really was bad luck!

[screaming]

Now what?

[screaming continues]

Whomping whales of worry,
what's dogging the diggers?

Maybe they were simply exclaiming with joy
at having dug very deep.

Oh, no! What if they found a skeleton?

I bet they found a skeleton.
It's all my fault!

Hey, hey, buddy, relax. It's OK.

It takes a lot more
than breaking a pinkie swear

to bring skeletons around school.

[Lawson] Oh, yeah?

If you're so sure nothing
scary's in that hole,

then how about this?
I dare you to climb down into it.

You're on!

Well good, 'cause I wasn't finished.

You gotta climb into
that hole... at night!

And stay in it all alone
by yourself all night long!

Ha ha!

Walk away, Vince. It's crazy talk.
We won't blame you.

But... he dared me.

[wind howling]

[squeaking]

[sighs nervously] OK. Here we go.

Diggers' hole.

[caws]

Nothing wrong with that.

Whoa.

Those diggers sure have been busy.

This isn't so bad. Kind of cozy, in fact.

I'll just hang out here till sunrise,
and Lawson will feel like a big, fat--

[yelps]
[teeth chattering]

-Hello.
-What are you guys doing here?

Well, Vince, you're our buddy,
and you know what I always say,

"a buddy never lets a buddy sneak out
without telling his parents,

"climb down into a dark,
creepy hole at night,

and stay there by himself."

[sighing] Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.

You guys can't be here!

Lawson dared me to come here alone!

By myself!

Having you guys here,
it's like cheating!

-You never cheat on a dare.
-Oops.

Tell me cheating on a dare
isn't worse luck

than breaking a pinkie swear!

It's way worse!

[screaming]

Why, it looks like the old gate
from a picturesque country graveyard.

Gadzooks!

We've uncovered the ancient
Finster burial ground!

The what who what?

It's the final resting place for Finsters

from throughout the ages.

It was rumored to have been buried
right here under our playground.

-[gasps]
-[creaking]

Miscreants.

Miscreants!

[all] Ah! Run!

[screaming]

Ne'er-do-wells.

[screaming]

-Hooligans.
-[screaming]

Hooligans!

[all] Whoa!

[gasps]

A trap door! We're free!

[all] Yay!

[growls]

We're in the cafeteria.

Miscreants.

Hooligans.

Ne'er-do-wells.

[Mikey] Help!

Help!

-Yah!
-Ugh.

Quick! In here!

Miscreants.

Hooligans.

-Hurry! Lock the door!
-The lock's broken.

Lousy vandal kids!

-Miscreants.
-Hooligans.

Everybody, hold the door!

It's no good! There's too many of them!

We've gotta do something!

Vincent, Gretchen, look!

-Of course!
-Will it work?

Hold the door! Let's go.

[ghost] Miscreants.

Hooligans.

Miscreants.

-[panting] Hurry up!
-Almost got it!

-We can't hold out!
-They're breaking in!

Now!

What's all this, then?

[screaming]

-What's happening?
-It sounds terrible!

The stuff you put into
the fire sprinklers, what was it?

Tomato surprise, Vince,
left over from lunch.

There's enough acid in it
to melt an entire village full of zombies.

Poor, dumb, ghastly freaks.

They never knew what hit them.

Guys! I think it's morning!

[all yawn]

Confounded food fights.

[door opens]

The trap door, it's gone!

You guys! You buried your hole!

You're stopping the zombies, right?

[laughs]

Zombies? You guys are funny.

We're filling it in
'cause we're done with it.

We're gonna start a new one over there.

You didn't see any zombies?

But yesterday, you ran out
of here screaming!

Oh, yeah, Dave busted dad's best shovel
digging in tunnel nine,

he was pretty mad when we got home.
Talk about your scary encounters!

It did happen, didn't it?

There were zombies, weren't there?

Maybe children shouldn't
accept crazy dares

and sneak out without
their parent's knowledge

and climb into deep holes
in the middle of the night.

Maybe it's just too scary.

Fear does strange things
to the human mind.

Perhaps, my friends...

Perhaps... we imagined it all.

So, there you have it, tales of terror

that completely, actually happened...

Or at least, that's what they tell me.

And I believe them! Sort of.

I mean, after all,
they were scary, weren't they?

And-- and what kind of person
would make up stuff

just to scare kids?

Maybe me?

[laughs evilly]

[Butch's voice] The point is,
don't do nothing dumb,

because you just never know
what weird stuff is gonna happen.

Happy Halloween!
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