03x39 - More Like Gretchen/Prince Randall

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Recess". Aired: September 13, 1997 - January 16, 2006.
Six brave fourth-graders at Third Street School make it their mission to protect the other kids on the playground.
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03x39 - More Like Gretchen/Prince Randall

Post by bunniefuu »

[bell rings]







I was at the breakfast table,

putting on my boots and picking
through a box of Crusher Krispies,

and that's when it happened.

What happened?

The toy surprise
was missing from your box.

Worse than that.

My mom tells me that after school today,
she's taking me to that new museum!

The Glamour Puss museum
of makeup, wigs, and pantyhose?


I think it's another of my mom's plans
to make me girlie and junk.

My heart goes out to you, Spinelli.

I was thinking
it'd be a lot less boring

looking around at all
that lipstick and fru fru girlie junk

if someone was there
to kind of hang out with me.

Who... Oh, no, I'm not going
in that place.

Yes, I'm kind of busy.

I've got my reputation to worry about.

Thanks, guys, but I was hoping
Gretchen could come.

Well, though I seldom pass up a museum,

a cosmetics museum
doesn't exactly sound like my cup of tea.

You got to help me.

I need another kid along
so I can goof off and be myself.

I'll be bored out of my skull
if you don't come.

-Oh, for you... Why not?

It'll be a girls' day out.

Yes, Gretch!

You are the best friend
a girl could ever have.

My goodness, Gretchen,

what a pleasant surprise it is

to have you along on our little outing.

Ms. Spinelli, the pleasure is all mine.

[Spinelli] Hey, everybody!
Get a look at me.

I'm Stormy Weathers from channel .

We've got a high-pressure system
to the east,

followed by a whole load of girly dumbness
coming out of my brain.

♪ Oh, I was born
a poor technician's daughter ♪

♪ In a shack outside of Harvard MIT ♪

♪ They said, "Jake, can you make us all
a batch of that heavy water?" ♪

♪ And Daddy split an atom
as he held me on his knee ♪


Come on, Gretch,

Let's find more dumb stuff to make fun of.

[Flo] Ashley Funicello Spinelli,

-use your museum voice.

Gretchen, that was really a creative song.

It was merely a trifling ditty,
but thank you.

[Spinelli] Hey! Here we go, Gretch!

Check this out.
"Glamour Puss and science."

Thanks to blue eye shadow,

even the smartest lady scientist

can look like a complete doofus.

Wait a minute.
This appears not to be so much

about scientists wearing makeup

-as about the science behind makeup.

Glamour Puss'
Tahitian Temptress face cream

Is far more fascinating
than I ever imagined.

Tahitian Temptress is what I use.

It makes me feel natural and womanly.

Like a feminine tropical lagoon.

The secret, Mrs. Spinelli,

lies in a little something
called liposomes.

Uh, sorry I mentioned it.

Hey, look. A big foot
with sparkly toenail polish.

Let's stomp on it.

[Flo] Shh. Please!

What were you saying, Gretchen?

Liposomes are microscopic agents

that can actually carry vitamin E
to the sub-surface of your skin,

resulting in that sassy
smoothness no he-man can resist.

So much for fun.

And because of the molecule's
inherent tensile strength,

these pantyhose could indeed
be worn by an angry gorilla.

Just like in the commercial.

Ma, don't you think
maybe it's time to go home?

Say, Gretchen, why don't you
join us for dinner?

I'd have to obtain my parents' permission,
of course,

but I would be delighted.

It couldn't be any more boring
than hanging around this place.

Why, Pookie, there's a world
of amazing discovery out there

If you just open up your mind

Like your friend Gretchen.

I've got to say, sometimes
I wish you'd try to be

a little more like Gretchen.

Wow, Gretchen, what a neat
surprise to have you over.

The pleasure is mine, Mr. Spinelli.

I get a kick out of those fantastic
accomplishments of yours.

-What you got cooking?
-You know, the usual.

My perennial cold-fusion experiment.

There's this new psychotron
I'll be able to finish

If I can raise the money
for the lot next door.

Hey, that's nifty.

Dad, you should've seen it
in school today!

I caught a fly with my bare hand.

Say, you should have saved yourself
the elbow grease.

I bet Gretchen could have
vaporized it with a laser beam.

More spaghetti, Gretchen?

Why, thank you, Ms. Spinelli.
And if I might be so bold,

This spaghetti is delicious.

That's because it's made with
the ancient Spinelli sauce.

Only a Spinelli, like me,
knows the secret recipe.


Hey, will you look at that?
Now, that's neat noodle form.

What wonderful table manners, Gretchen.

Yeah. Say, Spunko,
maybe Gretchen could give you lessons.

Well, manners are one thing,
but how about cooking?

Now, I don't want to brag or nothing.

Or anything.

Or anything, but I actually found a way

To improve on our secret family recipe.

[Spinelli] You see all them little
black olives chopped on in there?

That was my idea.

[Bob] Oh no!

All this excitement about having Gretchen
over made me forget about wrestling.

Yes! Wrestling.

You see, Gretch, watching wrestling
together at the dinner table

is a special-moment thing
my parents and me share,

Kind of like church.

[Bob] Dagnabbit!

Looks like the cable's on the fritz again.

Oh, see, that's no fun to watch.

Tell me, do you have
multiple cable signal outlets

running off a single-made feed
into your house?

-Uh, yeah.
-Simple enough.


[announcer] Here we go, folks,
Dominitro versus I Cutie.

Former allies going head-to-head

in the heart-wrenching
face-off of the year.

Gretchen Grundler,
where can I get one of you?

Jeez, Pookie, it's a shame
you're not more like Gretchen

Or I'd never have to pay
the cable guy again.

More spaghetti, anyone?

Whoa. No, thanks. I got heartburn.

[Gretchen] not to worry, Mr. Spinelli.

I noticed that, while delicious,

the ratio of acids to alkalis
in the sauce

seemed to be slightly out of whack,

[Gretchen] most likely
because of the olives.

My olives?

A few simple changes
ought to balance it out.

Gee whiz, Gretchen.

Hey, you're a handy-dandy
cable guy and a chef.

Not to mention a science expert

and a musical genius.

She came up with a song today
right in the museum.

Don't say!

Hey! We got a dusty old organ
sitting in the living room.

Any chance you can play it?

Well, I have been known to dabble.

That sounds like fun.
Hey, let's go and listen to Gretchen play.

Count me in.

[Spinelli] What about wrestling?

Oh, Ashley, come on.

It isn't every day
that Gretchen comes over.

Yeah, forget wrestling. This is special.

[organ music playing]

♪ 'Mid pleasures and palaces ♪

♪ Though we may roam ♪

♪ Be it ever so humble ♪

♪ There's no place like home ♪

♪ Home, home ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet home ♪

♪ There's no place like home ♪

♪ There's no place like home ♪

Hey, Gretchen, how did you
make that door slam?

That was nifty.

Once Mr. and Mrs. Spinelli

figured out their own daughter
had actually slammed the door,

I tried talking to her,
but she just stormed up to her bedroom.

I must admit,
I'm at a loss for an explanation.

Oh, plucky Spinelli, what vexes you so?

Maybe she got
one of those olive pieces in her eye.

Now's your chance to find out.

Oh, Spinelli, thank goodness.
I've been so worried about you.

Worried I might not croak soon enough

for you to steal my parents?

Steal your parents?

But I have two perfectly good parents
at home.

I guess that's why
you kept showing off in front of them

and make me look
like a total loser.

Showing off? That certainly
wasn't my intention.

So you ruined my life by accident?

Well, don't worry.
You won't accidently do that ever again

[Spinelli] 'cause I only invite friends
over to my house,

and I don't want
to be your friend anymore!

[Spinelli] Scram, varmints!


Wow. You must have really
ticked her off last night.

But I didn't do anything
at Spinelli's house

that I wouldn't do at my own house.

I say that right there
might be the problem.

-I don't follow.
-Some moms and dads

don't see a lot of that genius kid
achievements junk up close.

[T.J.] So when a kid like you comes along,
being all amazing and stuff,

sometimes they start wondering
why their own kid can't be amazing, too.

That must make their child feel terrible.

I reckon it does.

Anyway, if Spinelli ended up
feeling bad about herself,

she might be blaming you.

I should apologize.

Hey, it's not your fault.

Sure isn't, Vince.

Gretchen, I'd say it's time
you made another visit

To Mr. and Mrs. Spinelli.

Pookie, how was school today?

You've been real quiet.
I'm kinda worried about you.

Wish you'd tell us what's the matter.

[Gretchen] I'll tell you
what's the matter.

The girl's hungry just like me,

So quit the jawin' and let's get gnawin'.


-Why, Gretchen...
-How did you get in here?

Ah, don't sweat it, Mr. S.
I'll pay for the window.

-I didn't know

you were inviting Gretchen over tonight.

You should have told us.

I didn't invite that girl.

Actually, Ms. Spinelli,
coming over tonight was all my idea.

Got a hollow feelin' in my belly

for some of them
hot-lookin' foods of yours.

Bring it on, girl!

Oh, uh, well.
All right. Let me get you a plate.

Hey, not to worry.

I'll eat out of this fancy
big plate right here.

Mmm... Meatloaf! Yummy!

Uh, thank you.

What are you doing, Gretch?

Oh, I'm tired of maintaining
my child prodigy facade.

Tonight I'm letting loose.

Look at me!

I'm the crummiest kid in the world!

[blows raspberry]

Compared to me,
any kid would seem wonderful,

any kid at all, don't you think?

-I get it.

And now for some music.

♪ Be it ever so humble ♪

♪ There's no place ♪

♪ Like home ♪

One more time!

Gretch, it's okay. You can stop.

I know what you're up to, and thanks.

Thank goodness.

I think I ruptured my esophagus.

[clears throat]
Mr. Spinelli, Mrs. Spinelli,

I beg your understanding,

and I really didn't break the window.

Good luck.

What in the world is wrong with Gretchen?

The feet, the belching,

the bad grammar, for Pete sakes.

I think she figured that if you thought
she was a crummy kid,

Maybe you'd stop wishing
I was so much like her.

Oh, Pookie, we don't want you
to be more like Gretchen.

Come on, Mom, at the museum,
"more like Gretchen."

At dinner, "more like Gretchen."

When she was fixing the tv,
"more like Gretchen."

[Spinelli] All you guys
had to say about me yesterday

was how you wished
I was more like Gretchen.

I got mad at Gretchen,

but the fact is she was just
being herself.

I can't blame her for that.

I mean, the least you can do

is let a girl be herself, right?

We're so sorry. Fact is,

[Bob] there are a zillion things
that make you special.

You're so plucky, scrappy,
and full of spirit.

You saved your aunt Florence

from that crazy junkyard chihuahua.

I guess when you're with a person
all the time,

sometimes you forget to let them know

how wonderful they really are.

You are wonderful.

And we don't want you
to ever change a thing.

Although there is one thing
I'd like you to do for me.

-I taped the rest

of "the Doomsday Slamfest."

Would you mind watching it with me?

I guess that sounds like
something I would do.

[announcer] And she's back up again!

Dominitro is up and back in the fight.

I can't say it's going to be
smooth sailing from here,

But definitely things are looking good.


Your king craves sustenance.

You there, Smart Girl,
design and build a restaurant,

then go inside
and make me something to eat.

Right away, Your Highness.

Very good. In the meantime,

Large Thoughtful Boy,
give me your Winger-Dingers.

But Your Highness,
I ate all my Winger-Dingers.

That's a royal outrage.

Take this Winger-Dinger singer
to the dodgeball wall.


A Winger-Dinger singer.
that's me, all right.

Man, T.J.'s King Bob impression
is d*ad-on.

You there, your king has an itchy bottom.

That T.J. thinks he's so funny.

Well, King Bob won't think so
when he finds out.

[King Bob] Scribe Kid,
write this down.

And it looks like he'll
find out sooner than later.

It was said the child
who could pull the hockey stick

from the stone is the child
who would be king.

[Scribe Kid] Could you please talk slower,
Your Majesty?

Very well, Scribe Kid,
take a moment and catch up.

This is going to be tasty.

King Bob!

What the...
Who impedes the royal trek?

[Randall] Sorry, sire,

But T.J. Detweiler's mocking
the royal personage

by doing an impression of you.

And indeed--

Thanks a lot, Randall.
I'm sorry, King Bob.

Indeed. Bring him to me.

Not Detweiler, him.


Maybe I wasn't clear before.

T.J. was making fun of you.

Of course Detweiler was making fun of me.

He's a crazy monkey boy.
It's what he does.

You, on the other hand,

Are the boy who cried
"king" once too often.

I'm not sure I follow.

Well, you'll follow this:

Scribe Kid, take a decree.

Decrees, decrees. Here we go. sh**t.

From this day forward,

I forbid the lowly snitch Randall,

get his last name,

from speaking to me, King Bob.

But, my Liege, Your Grace--

You're already violating the decree.

Be off, or feel the rubbery thunder

[King Bob] of the dodgeball wall.

May I say thank you, King Bob,

for the wisdom and fastness
of your judgment?

You may. And about that impression.

Some of the other
elementary school kings and I

are getting together
for a round of roast next month.

Can I count on a performance from you?

It would be an honor, Your Most Honorable.

T.J. Detweiler makes fun of King Bob

and gets invited to a star-studded roast.

I report T.J.,

and I'm banned
from ever talking to King Bob again.

I feel bad. I better go buy something.

[Edgy Eddie] From the rubble
of the Eastern Bloc

comes the r- spy cam.

[Edgy Eddie] This stealthy piece
of high-tech spy tech

might be just the sweeping
device for what's bugging you.

Savvy purchase, Randall.

I hope so, Edgy Eddie,
but there are some things

even the sneakiest gizmos
can't get you through.

He'd be some kind of spy
if he wasn't so funk-prone.

I heard that!

Hello. What's this?


How very, very moist.

[King Bob] And there I stood,

About to pull mine enchanted hockey stick

from the stone, when...

Why, the impertinence!

Hiya, kingy.
He defies the decree of silence.

Tattler, you'll spend the entire recess
at the dodgeball wall.

Seize him!


[Randall] I wouldn't do that
if I were you, kingy.

-You see, I have this.
-What's that?

For your eyes only, majesty.

I'm warning you.
If this is a sh*t of Detweiler

In a number jersey...

-Where did you get this?
-That's of little import.

What is crucial, though, is the fact
that I have more of them

in my floor safe ready for distribution

unless my demands are met.

Demands, huh? Fine, fine, fine.

You are no longer banned
from speaking to your king.

Now may I have the other pictures?

Oh, it won't be that easy, kingy.


I, King Bob, would like to take this time

to say a few words about a special guy.

His name is Randall Weems,

[King Bob] and I have grown to respect him

as the unsung hero of this playground.

And I have grown to love him
like a kid brother.

[King Bob] And it is out
of this brotherly feeling

that introduce you to the newest member

of your royal family and my heir apparent

Prince Randall.

-[trumpets play fanfare]

-Good morning, subjects, good morning.

Oh, hush, people. You'll get used to it.

Now, before you get on to worshipping me,

I'd just like to remind you
that King Bob has given me

[Randall] sweeping powers
to make and enforce

whatever rules I want.

Now go off and think about
ways to honor me.


Randall, a prince?

But wasn't it just the other day

King Bob banned Randall
from speaking to him?

It's like we're playing kickball,

and all of the sudden fair is foul...

And foul is fair. I don't like it.
I don't like it one bit.

But what can we do?

King Bob granted him
those princely powers.

I'm ready for dessert.

Where are the revenues from my candy tax?

Hello? I can't do this alone.
I need quality assistance.

You there.

Me, sire?

Yes. As I recall, you're very good
at getting things done,

and I need things done. You're hired.

I am?

Guys, you won't believe what happened!

Prince Randall has turned the sandbox

below the jungle gym into a dungeon.

And he's keeping kids there
who won't pay his % candy tax.

So that's his game!

And looks like we're going to
have to get into this.

[T.J.] But before
we can put a stop to Prince Randall,

We've got to see what put
a start to Prince Randall.

Let's ask some questions.

Mmm, me eat.

No candy for you by orders of the prince.

Now, back to work, boy.

Sire, this one says he's got no candy.

Please, Majesty.

I gave me last two bits to me little sis.

She's a good girl, sir,
and you have so much candy.

I don't care. To the dungeon with him.

♪ Woe is me, we are not free ♪

No singing!

Sorry to bother you, sire, but it seems
students Griswald and Grundler

have been going around asking questions.

Griswald and Grundler?

Ah, those are two of Detweiler's
fly-in-the-ointment friends.

They better not mess this up for me.

If I may suggest,

perhaps if you got T.J. out of the way,

his friends would get the royal message.

An excellent idea. Summon my litter.

I asked everyone I could think of,

and I got bupkis.

No one knows how Randall became a prince.

Correction. King Bob knows.
He's simply missing.

-[clears throat]
-Oh, great.

-All bow before your prince.
-No way!

Did T.J. Detweiler just refuse to bow
to his prince?

That's right, Randall.

We don't know how you got to be prince,

but we ain't bowing
and you're not kin of our king.

Guards, take him to the wall
and pelt some sense into him.

Hey, your royal lowness, none of us bowed.

Want to try taking us all?

The brute has a point.
Pelt T.J. Extra for those friends of his.

You guys, find King Bob!

I couldn't find King Bob anywhere.

Maybe he dropped out.

There's no computer record of an absence.

Good sweet me!

Teej, you okay?

Come on, say something.





Who's the very large kindergartner
with the football helmet?

Come on, King Bob. You've got
to do something about Randall.

Just look at what his bully boys
did to T.J.

And he's making the little ones cry.

He's new on the throne.
I'm sure he'll get better.

That is bo-yang,
and you know it, King Bob.

Randall's got something on you,
doesn't he?

Another time, it might have meant the wall
for your insolence,

But it seems there's been enough of that.

It's true. Prince Randall's
blackmailing me.

I knew it!

You've proven time and again
to be my loyalest subjects.

Though I don't know all your names,

I will share the source
of Randall's power.


But, King Bob, you're dressed like--

I know. And that's why this picture
or any of Randall's copies

must never see the light of playground.
I'd be ruined.

You're moping around in the kiddie corral,

and you don't call that ruined?

You're right, of course,
but what am I to do?

I got a plan.

But I thought you were out.

There's out, and there's out, Michael.

Now, everyone huddle up.

[playing fanfare]

Don't open this until King Bob says so.

[Jerome] Don't open until
King Bob gives the go-ahead.

What's this thing?

It seems King Bob has called
another gathering of the grades.

He didn't inquire it with me. Oh, well.
I still have him right where I want him.

Kids of the playground...


I give you King Bob.

Greetings, kids. I...

I would like to tell you a story.

You're all familiar
with my lineage on this playground,

but in my own royal family,
I was not first-born.


Before me was born another,
my sister Lady Sheila.

The other day Lady Sheila
set out for the mall.

I felt it was my noble duty
to accompany her.


Anyway, the rule of my family

is while protecting my older sister,

I must do anything she asks.
I followed that rule.

You may open your papers.


His sister made him try on clothes

like a girly-girl.

[kid] He sort of looks like my aunt.

Ha ha! The fool! He played the truth card.

Now he'll be shamed into quitting,

leaving me, his heir apparent,
as the new king.

Monkey boy, you said
your plan was foolproof.

Have faith, sire.

Ha! It's a good one, King Bob!

But I have an older sister too.
Name's Becky,

and this one time she put eye junk
on my eyes and lip junk on my lips!


This is great!
Now they're laughing at T.J.!

I'm not so sure, Randall.

Great one, Teej, but my older brother Vito
takes the cake.

One time he made me wear his old shoes,

and you know what? I liked them!


I don't understand.
It's like most of these kids

have big brothers and sisters.

I've seen their files. They do.

Hey, everybody, don't you get it?

King Bob was dressed like a girl!

Hey, that's nothing, Randall.
Just last night my big sister

put my hair in piggly-wiggly tails.

Now I'm funny just like King Bob!


Lawson's right. King Bob is funny,

and more than that, he's one of us.

Who here hasn't been hassled
by an older brother or sister?

My cousin hassles me.

Or cousin. We all have, and so's our king.

I say hail, hail King Bob.

[kids] Hail, hail King Bob!

And now King Bob has something else
he'd like to say to you.

This has been a lot of fun.

It has been my way of apologizing

for an inexcusable mistake
I made the other day,

one which I will promptly fix.

On this day, I, King Bob,
do repeal the candy tax.


I order a halt to the construction

of the chocolate Randall

and declare its candy stuffs up for grabs.


And I strip Randall Weems
of his title and powers

and sentence him to a month
of recesses in his own dungeon.




No wonder he likes Detweiler better.

Oh, well, it was moist while it lasted.

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