04x09 - It Girl/Deconstructing Arnold

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.

Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

Class, I have
a very special announcement.

Tomorrow, after school,

we are receiving
a very special visitor,

Mr. Johnny Stitches.

The famous fashion designer

is coming to search
for a new model
for his junior kids' line.

(EXCITED CHATTER)

So, if you're interested
in auditioning,

make sure you wear
something special.

And come by the auditorium
immediately after school.

Oh, and sign up on this list.

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

(SCOFFS) Modeling.
What a joke!

What are you
talking about, Helga?

Modeling's about
fame and fortune.
Life in the fast lane.

Hello?

Modeling's about
starving yourself all day

wearing goofy clothes,
and walking up and down a ramp

like you're in
some kind of a freak show.

Whatever you say, Helga.

It's a waste of time, Geraldo.

Well, come on, Pheebs,
let's go throw rocks
in the river.

Um, yes, well, first I have
a small task to do though.

Oh, man, Phoebe,

how low can you go?

Well, I'll tell you one thing.
You're not gonna see
Helga G Pataki on a runway.

No stinkin' way.

That's enough, little girl.
Thank you.

I'm ever so thankful
you took the time to see me.

"Ever so thankful."
Oh, that's rich
and creamy, that is. Next!

Perfect!

If you had a stuck-up,
posh little debutante ball.

(SCOFFS) Oh, I never.

Well, now you have. Goodbye.

Tata, au revoir, ciao, baby.

Next! Mouse-y!

Hayseed

Seventies!

Hmm...

No.
(EUGENE GROANS)

Next!

This guy doesn't like anybody.

What's he looking for?

He's looking for
one of those
dope-y clone models,

you know, some airhead
who walks around like this.

Look at me, I'm a model.

There's no individuality.

There's no personality.
Show me something new!

I'm a super model.
I'm a super-duper model.

I haven't eaten in four weeks.

(KIDS LAUGHING)

Camille, look at
that weird girl.

(FRENCH ACCENT)
Supposed to be a bit,
how you say,

touched in the head.

Touched? She's brilliant.

That pink dress,
that whimsical hair,

that powerful eyebrow.

That's the girl I want.

That girl is it.

What are you
talking about, no?
Don't you understand?

No one ever refuses
to be Johnny Stitches'
new "It girl."

Yeah, well,
there's a first time
for everything, bucko!

Helga G Pataki
ain't nobody's chump.

You do realize,
you bratty little thing,

that you're turning down
fame, glamour, celebrity.

Big deal!

Trips around the world.

Who cares?

And lots and lots
of free stuff.

Free stuff?

As in stuff
that's handed to you

and you don't have to
pay for it.

And all I have to do is...

Sign this!

Now, here's
the game plan, Helga.

You watch how Camille
walks down the runway

and you copy her, got that?

Smashing. All right.
Camille, um,
show us your stuff.

(SIGHS)

Let's go, Ms. It girl,
it's your turn.

And now, smile.

(ALL LAUGHING)

It was brilliant.

I love it! Shocker!

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
JOHNNY: Work it. Work it.

Own it, baby.
Now, give me
that bad girl scowl.

What "bad girl scowl"?

That "Stuff it all,
I hate the world,
kiss my bum" scowl.

Hey, cool it, T-bag.

It's brilliant.
Oh, that's it.
Ooh, yummy.

Yeah, work it.
Work it. Shocker!

Reload and sh**t more.

(GROWLS)

The new "It girl" look
is more than
a dress and a bow.

It's a scowling,
combative attitude

that is sweeping through
our schools, our cities,

even our revered talk shows.

(GASPS)

(SIGHS)

(SCREAMS)

Oh, we are just
so proud of you, Helga.

Oooh!

Look everybody,
can you believe it?

It's the "It girl."

You scowl, you snare,
you shake your fist,

and the crowd goes wild!
They love it!
They absolutely love it!

Oh, give it a rest, Revis!

The "It girl" snapped at me.
I love it! I love it!

You're amazing,
you're astounding,

you're on a rocket
to the moon!

(ALL CHEERING)

I simply can't get over it.

I hope she'll sign
my magazine.

Hey, Helga, how's it going?

It's fine, it's all going
just wonderfully fine.

I sneer and I scowl
and I shake my fist,

and all those fashion idiots
go wild. It's ridiculous.

Are you having any fun at all?

I got some free stuff.

A lifetime pass
to Dinoland? Not bad.

Arnold, I've been
sneaking into Dinoland
since I was seven.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh, it's probably Johnny,
he's the biggest pain
in the...

Can I have your autograph?
Shove off, toots!

(GASPS) The "It girl"
scowled at me

and pushed me.
I'll never wash
this arm again.

(GASPS)

The "It girl" snapped at me.
I love it! I love it!

The cute dress,
the nasty attitude,

You're amazing,
you're astounding,

you're on a rocket
to the moon!

(CHUCKLING) "A rocket
to the moon."

Dad, will you please
stop watching that tape?

Oh, I'm just
real proud of you, girl.

For what?
Well, for doing that scowl

and saying
those mean things, and

wearing that pink dress.

Bob, hello!

I've been scowling
and saying mean things

and wearing this dress
for years!

Well, it's finally payin' off.

But, Dad, I'm sick
of the whole thing.

I hate being the "It girl."
I've got no privacy,

the phone never stops ringing,

and everybody's
dressing exactly like me.

Oh, come on,
don't be ridiculous.

Not everybody's
dressing like you.

Look, everybody,
I'm the "It girl."

(SCREAMS)

Quit? You can't quit.

Look, Johnny, it's over, pal.

It was great
being the "It girl" and all,
but I'm out of here.

See you around.
Helga,

you silly nit,
you signed a contract.

Didn't you read
the fine print?

You're signed to me

for the next
three years, missy.
What?

Junior fashion week
begins Monday,

where I'll be presenting
my new spring line,
and you will be wearing it.

Oh, yeah? Well, I hate you!
I hate this stupid office!

I hate being the "It girl"!

And I hate those
creepy leather pants!

(EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)
That's bad.

You're so bad.
(GRUMBLING)

Well, see you
tomorrow, "It girl."

That little worm.

I'll make him wish
he never met Helga G Pataki.

He wants bad?
I'll give him bad.

(CROWD CHANTING "IT GIRL")

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CROWD CONTINUES
CHANTING "IT GIRL")

Uh-oh.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Out of my way, schmo.

Hey. Helga,
what are you doing?

Oh, just tearing
pictures of myself
out of this magazine,

crumpling them up,
and casually tossing them
over my shoulder.

And you're doing this because?

Because being
the "It girl"
really bites.

But, Helga,
everyone in the country
wants to be like you.

What's so bad about that?
What's so bad about it?

I'm trapped.
Everyone's running around
dressing like me,

acting like me,
walking like me!

Well, then,
why don't you just quit?

Don't you think I tried that?

I tried acting
as awful as I could,
so they'd fire me.

But, no. The worst I act,
the more they love it.

Why don't you try acting nice?

Here, at junior fashion week,

you can literally feel
the excitement
and anticipation

in the air. The question
on everyone's lips is,

what will
the "It girl" do next?

(CROWD CHANTING "IT GIRL")

After everyone
sees this new line,

I'll be the toast
of the whole bloody
fashion world.

Let's see that
bad girl stuff now.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(GASPS)

What the devil is she doing?

I love you all.
You've all been
so wonderful to me.

I just want to hug
each and every one of you.

Guys, tell me
this is not happening.

(GROANS)

(CHUCKLES WICKEDLY)

A shocker here,
at the Junior Miss
fashion show.

Johnny Stitches' "It girl"
seems to have lost her "It."

Instead, the hot story
is over on runway 5.

The "Hat girl."

(CROWD CHANTING "HAT GIRL")

I'm ruined. Ruined.

The "It girl" is fired!
Tear up her contract.

Bollocks!

Hey, Helga.

Looks like
everything worked out
the way you wanted.

Yup. Johnny tore up
my contract.

I'm free as a bird.

You know,
it's funny that people
could hate you so much

just for acting
nice and polite.

Well, I'll tell ya,
football head,
it's a funny world.

Personally, I thought
you were great up there.

It's the first time
I ever saw you,
well, being nice.

I liked it.
You did?

Yeah. Why can't you
act nice like that
all the time?

Arnold, Arnold, Arnold.

I can't do that. I'm mean
and nasty and insensitive.

That's just who I am.
That's what makes me special.

Whatever you say, Helga.

You got it. Whatever I say.

Now, get out of my way,
football head!

Are you the "Hat girl"?

(KID GROANS)

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Pipe down, Arnoldo!

Can't you see
we're trying to
listen here?

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Yeah, um,
I was just wondering,

is your refrigerator running?

It is? Then you
better go catch it.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Ugh! Cut it out, curly.

Cool, phone, Sid. Is it new?

(NERVOUSLY) New? Uh, sort of.

I borrowed it from Lorenzo.

That was awfully nice of him.
Yeah. Plus,

what he doesn't know
won't hurt him, right?

Sid, you mean,
you didn't ask him?
Look, Arnold,

it's really no big deal.

Criminy, football head,
could you possibly be
more of a wet blanket?

My turn to dial, champ.

Dear Curly, I've been
admiring you from afar
for quite sometime.

And even though
I'm too shy to tell you
how I feel in person,

I just had to write you
and say that, frankly, Curly,

with your bold eye-wear,
jaunty upper lip,

and attractive bowl cut hairdo,

I think you're a total hottie.

Sincerely yours,
your secret admirer.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Way to go, princess.

You should have Curly
off your back in no time.

What are you guys doing?

Check it out.
I'm sending Curly this fake
secret admirer letter.

Well, Rhonda,

I don't think
that's a very good idea.

If Curly thinks
someone else likes him,

he'll forget all about me.

What if he finds out
you wrote it?
Oh, Arnold, relax.

Yeah, Arnoldo. Quit being
such a spoilsport, would ya?

Hey, guys,
wanna play some baseball?

And miss this? (CHUCKLES)
Get real, Arnie.

Lookie down here, Arnold.

Harold and I
are planting little
monkey shine for Eugene.

Yeah. When Eugene
gets on his bike
for his afternoon ride,

it'll be all wobbly
and break apart,
and he'll fall right off.

That's a really bad idea.
Eugene could get hurt.

Oh, quit your worrying,
Arnold. It'll be a hoot.

Yeah, Mr. Goody Two-Shoes!

How about you
mind your own beeswax

and stop being
such a party pooper
for once in your life?

Really, Arnold,
you are quite the busybody.
Yeah.

You're a regular nosy parker.

When it comes to meddling,
you're the king.

And your kibitzer too.

What the heck's a kibitzer?

It's Yiddish for
big, fat buttinsky.

You know what, football face?

I bet you couldn't go
a whole day without

butting into
other people's business.
Yeah.

It would probably drive
a know-it-all like him crazy.

Look, you guys,

if that's really how
everyone feels,

then fine, I won't give
anymore advice.

It's really no big deal.

Finally! No more
stupid football head

and his annoying
do-goody, blabby advice

to spoil our good time.

(ALL AGREEING)

Hey, Gerald, do you think
what the other kids
are saying about me is true?

I mean, do you really think
I'm always going around

butting into
other people's business?

You? Are you kidding?

Of course not.
I mean, that's crazy.

It's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.

Gerald.

Sorry, man. I mean, truth is,

you are kind of a buttinsky.

Then that settles it.
As of right now,

I'm never giving advice
to anyone ever again.

You? Never give advice again?

I'll believe it when I see it.

STINKY: That oughta
just about do it.

Yeah, look. It's all wobbly
just like we figured.

(LAUGHING)
EUGENE: Hey, guys,
what's all the excitement?

Nothin'. We're just, uh...

We're just standing here.
(NERVOUSLY) Yeah.

Just innocently congregratin'

around our favorite
new hangout,
the school bike rack.

I hope that
you'll all excuse me,

I think I'll take my bike
for a little mid-day spin.

Wee!
(LAUGHING)

(METAL CLANGING)

Hey, my bike feels
kinda funny. Uh-oh.

Okay.

(WHIMPERING)

(HORNS BLARING)
(EUGENE SCREAMING)

(DOG BARKING)
(EUGENE SCREAMING)

(GROANING) Ow. I'm okay.

CURLY: "Frankly, Curly,
with your bold eye-wear,

"jaunty upper lip,
and attractive
bowl cut hairdo,

"I think you're
a total hottie.

"Sincerely yours,
your secret admirer."

Hmm.

(MIMICS KISSING)

Hello? Denisa's Pizzas?

Yeah, I'd like, um,
two dozen large
double-cheese

with pineapple and anchovies.

Huh? Oh. For delivery.

P.S. 118,
elementary school cafeteria.

Principal Wartz.

W-a-r-t-z.

About 20 minutes?
Sounds great.

Ow!

Oh, no.

Arnold, um, can I talk to you
for a second, old buddy?

See, I've got this problem...

Look, Sid, I'm sorry...

Oh, Arnold.
I'm so glad I found you.

You have just got to help me.

Hey, Arnold, Harold and me

is in a manure-load
of trouble.

And we need you
to get us out of it.

Look, you guys, I'm sorry
you're having problems,

but I can't help you.

What do you mean,
you can't help?

Yeah, you're always
giving advice.

And figurin' out
what we should do
in moments of crisis.

Yeah, well,

that was before this morning,
when you all agreed
that I was a busybody

and told me to keep my nose
out of your business.

Was that the same time
when I called you
a big, fat buttinsky?

Uh, yeah, Harold, it was.

Anyway, you guys told me
to stay out of things,

and, well, that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

So, I'm sorry,
but you're on your own.

On our own?

Now what are we
supposed to do?
We're doomed.

Helga. Helga,
this is all your fault!

Yeah!
Why'd you have to go
makin' us

tell Arnold
to mind his own business for?

Now, our lives
are going straight down
the old commode!

Oh, man. You guys
are pathetic!

Do you actually think
you need Arnold around
just to tell you what to do?

(ALL AGREEING)

Please. I can give advice
just as good as
the old football head.

Phoebe, line these losers up
outside my office.

I'll straighten
you morons out
in no time.

So, you stole Lorenzo's phone
and broke it, eh?

Okay. All you gotta do
is put it back in his locker

before he comes back
from vacation.

He'll never even know
it was you. Next!

Look, princess, if you want
Curly off your back
once and for all,

just let him
keep on thinking
you're his secret admirer,

you know, tell him
that you're really,
really wild about him.

Trust me. Once you
put him on the spot,
he'll be totally repulsed.

"Repulsed," got it.

All right, boys,
here's the plan.

You blame
the entire Eugene incident
on some other stooge

before he finds out
that you dopes are the ones

who tampered
with his bike
and finally snaps.

Believe me,
it's the right thing to do.

(SCHOOLBELL RINGING)

Okay, Curly. I admit it,
I'm your secret admirer.

And the truth is,
no matter how hard I try

and fight it, I'm really,
really wild about you.

In fact, I've fallen
crazy in love.

So, what do you say?
How does that make you feel?

Give daddy some sugar.

(GASPS)

So it's agreed. We blame
the whole Eugene mishap
on some other fella.

Right.

Hi, guys.
Hey, Eugene.

How are ya feelin'?
Oh, I'm just fine.

In fact, the doctors say
I should have the feeling

back in my legs
in just a couple of weeks.

Um, Eugene, Harold and I
know who the shifty fella was
that tinkered with your bike.

You do?
We sure do. It was...

It was Harold's fault!
Stinky!

No, it was him!
He's the one who did it!

Hey, what in the heck
are you blamin' me for?

The whole bike prank
was your dumb idea.

It was not!
Was too!

Was not!

EUGENE: Um, guys.
Guys? (SCREAMS)

(EUGNE GROANING)

Wow. That looked pretty bad.
Maybe I should do something.

Please, Arnold, that guy
is constantly fallin' down.

Trust me. He'll be just fine.

I know. It's just...

It's just things
are kinda crazy around here.

First, Lorenzo
wants to k*ll Sid
for breaking his phone,

then Curly thinks
Rhonda's in love with him,

and now, Harold and Stinky.
I don't know, Gerald.

I just feel like
I should try and help out.

Come on, Arnold.
Remember what Helga said?

You couldn't go an entire day
without butting into
other people's business.

And all the other kids
agreed with that.

Face it, buddy.

These people do not want you
interfering in their lives.

You're right, Gerald.
Let's go.

Oh, my disconsolate, beloved,
prompted by my reckless words

to turn your beautiful back
on those in need.

Forced by my loose tongue
to look the other way

when do-goody duty calls.

Encouraged by
my careless challenge

to flagrantly violate
the good samaritan laws
of our country.

Oh, Arnold,
I've single-handedly

snuffed out the candle
of your caring little soul

and incited chaos
among our helpless,
hapless peers.

Oh, my darling,

I won't waste another moment.
I'll stop the madness,

and right those to whom
I have so wronged.

RHONDA: When I get
my hands on that Helga,

she's gonna be sorry
she was ever born.

Yeah! That Helga's advice
really bites.

Why did I even listen to her?
If she wasn't a girl,

I'd pound her.
EUGENE: Uh, guys?

Let me smell it,
let me smell your hair.
Ugh. Get away from me,

you four-eyed freak!
Please, just one
little whiff,

that's all I need.

ARNOLD: So what
you're saying is,

you want me to
start giving people
advice again,

and help them
with their problems?

Exactly.
But, Helga, I don't get it.

I thought you said
I was a wet blanket,
a spoilsport, a party pooper.

So? You are
all those things,
football head,

and that's what makes you
the perfect person
to give advice.

I mean, look at me.
I'm terrible
at helping others.

I'm the worst. I have no
moral conscience whatsoever.

(SIGHS) Look, Arnold,
if you're not gonna
do this for me,

then do it for
your stupid friends out there.

Trust me. They're
a complete mess
without you.

All right, you guys,
listen up.

Rhonda, tell Curly
you're sorry

for making him think
you were his secret admirer.

No problem.

Sid, you can start
by apologizing to Lorenzo

for stealing his phone.
Okay.

Stinky and Harold,
the first thing you need to do

is ask Eugene to forgive you.

That is if he can
even hear you.

EUGENE: I'm okay.

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

(DOG WHIMPERING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)