04x16 - Helga on the Couch

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.

Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

(HUMMING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Come in.

Principal Wartz?

I'm Dr. Bliss.

Huh, Dr. Bliss.
I'm Principal Wartz.

Welcome to P.S. 118.
Thank you.

What did you
mean by that?
Nothing.

So, Dr. Bliss,

I heard the school district
found room on their budget

to send us
a child psychologist

on Tuesdays and Thursdays
after school,

very nice of them.

What are you doing
here at 8:15?

I'm working on
my psychological profile
of you, Principal Wartz.

What?
(LAUGHS) I'm kidding.

I just thought
I'd come early, you know,

spend the day
observing your students.

(LAUGHS) Yes, of course,
very well, Doctor.

Make yourself at home,

roam the halls,
observe if you like,

but I really don't think
you'll find much that
would interest psychologists.

Oh, why not?

Because, Doctor,
unlike P.S. 117
and P.S. 119,

P.S. 118 is the picture
of mental health.

Out of my way, geek bait.

Well, happy hunting,
Dr. Bliss.
Thank you.

One side, moron,
I'm walking here.

What are you
looking at?
(GRUNTS)

(HAROLD LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Hmm, no Japanese
this morning, Phoebe,
I have a headache.

Oh, okay, English.

Oh, yes, yes.
Uh, welcome.

Hey, who's the skirt?

Class, settle down, please,
listening ears.

Today, we have
a very special guest,

our school district
"psychologist."

Dr. Bliss.

Whoop-de-doo,
the school shrink.

Bring it on,
I've got nothing to hide.

Dr. Bliss is out
in the field today,

observing our classes,

and she
has randomly chosen

to observe us.

Us, meaning, the students
I'm sure, not the teachers.

Am I right, Dr. Bliss?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Well, anyway,
remember, just be
your own special selves

as if nothing out of
the ordinary is happening.

That's easy.

What?

(CHOIR MUSIC PLAYING)

What?

What are you looking at,
football head?
(BELL RINGING)

(GRUNTS)

Phoebe, go save
my four square court,

and if Harold
tries to take it,

tell him I'll pull
his appendix out,
the old-fashioned way.

Saving.

Huh, Arnold.

What a nerd,
what a goof.

What a tiny-hatted
little creep.

How I hate him.

And yet...

I love him.

Oh, Arnold,
bastion of sanity

in this crazy, mixed-up world
in which we live.

How tender I feel
when you brush past me.

How I forget my cares.

How the essence of you
lingers sweetly in the air,

and I feel peace.

True peace,
at last.

(SIGHS) Oh.
(WHEEZING)

Hi.

(GASPS) Oh, my...

HELGA: Okay, I hit him.

So what?

Ms. Pataki, I don't need
to remind you that
striking another student

is a direct violation
of school policy.

Brainy? He doesn't mind.
I do it all the time.

What? You'd sock him too
if he was standing there
behind you breathing.

Breathing?
Yes, breathing.

Young lady,
that is quite enough.

When I welcomed
Dr. Bliss to roam
the halls of P.S. 118,

I never imagined
that she would find
a candidate for treatment

before lunchtime.

Treatment?
Helga, I recommend
we meet after school

at my office
on Tuesdays
and Thursdays.

To punish you soundly

for your blatantly
insouciant acts
of juvenile delinquency.

Principal Wartz,
please, sit down.

May I handle this?

Yes, fine, fine.

Of course,
take it away, Doctor.

(HUMMING)

Helga, the point
isn't to punish you.

The point is
to discuss these
antisocial tendencies

and examine possible
strategies for improvement.

Huh?

I think that your behavior
may be covering up other
more important issues.

And I want to try
and get to the root
of the matter.

Maybe uncover
some emotions
you may be hiding.

Hiding?

Thinks I'm crazy.

Hiding something.

It's okay, Helga,
ol' girl, you're...

You're fine,
you can do it.

You're not nuts. Ow!

(GROANS)

ALL: Hey, Helga,
how's it going?

Oh!

ALL: Hey, hey,
wait a minute.

Therapy?

Ah, this never would've
happened to Olga.

Look, is this gonna
cost me anything?

Good.

Hold it
right there, missy.

Report to the trophy room,
pronto.

We didn't have therapy
when I was a kid.

Huh, that's obvious, Bob.

I don't want you blabbing
to some school shrink.

We, Patakis,
don't talk about things,

we sweep 'em
under the rug.

Somethings are best
swept under the rug, Helga.

Whatever you do,
don't blab anything,

otherwise they'll
give us a one-way ticket
to the funny farm.

You got it?
I got it, Dad.

This never would've
happened to Olga.
I know. I know, babe.

(IMITATES DR. BLISS)
I wanna try to get to
the root of the matter.

Maybe uncover
some emotions
you may be hiding.

(SPITS) What a disaster.

Well, I don't care
how smart she is,

no stinkin' shrink
is gonna make me

give up my deepest,
darkest secret,

my love for Arnold.

(TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, Arnold,
I call on the power

of thy sacred tribe.

Give me the strength
and the animal cunning

to outwit
the school shrink.

Gah! Oof!

Helga, we heard a crash.

Are you all right, honey?

Of course, I was just...

Getting ready for bed.
Oh, okay.

Well, sleep well.

Yeesh, what a nut job.

I need a smoothie.

Hello, Helga.
Huh?

Are you wearing a disguise
because you're embarrassed

about your upcoming
session with Dr. Bliss?

Because, in this
day and age,

therapy is
perfectly acceptable
and quite useful.

There's nothing at all
to be ashamed or nervous
about.

Ha! Nervous,
are you kidding?

I'm just gonna make up
stories for an hour.

I won't even let her
get a word in edgewise,

it'll be a snap.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

WOMAN: Hello,
Doctor's office.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Helga, come in.

How have you been?

You mean since yesterday?
There's no need
to be hostile, Helga.

I'm not hostile.

So you're a child
psychologist?
That's right.

Does that mean you
weren't good enough to be
a grown up psychologist?

No, it means I chose
child psychology

because I'm interested
in helping children.

Well, whoop-de-doo
for you, Doc.

You seem angry.
I am not angry.

Helga, you're here
to see me.

To discuss these
antisocial tendencies

and examine possible
strategies for improvement.

Right. Well, let
the healing begin.
All right.

Did you read all
those books?
Most of them.

Did you write any
of them?
No.

How many books
do you have to read
to be a shrink?

You have to read
a lot of books.

So are you
an actual doctor?

If I suddenly had
a heart att*ck,

would you be able
to do anything about it?

Well, there's
a heart clinic upstairs,

so this would actually
be a very good place

for you to have
a heart att*ck.

Nice picture.
You like Edward Hopper?

I do.
Yeah, he's okay.

He's a little simple though.
And what's his deal
with women anyway?

That's pretty astute
for a fourth-grader.

I notice you're asking
all the questions however.

Yeah, you got
a problem with that?
No, ask away.

Great, then how about I sit
in the big chair and you sit
on the couch?

I don't see any harm
in that.

So, what were you like
as a child?

I liked animals,
we had an animal club.

We drew picture
of our favorites.

I like giraffes
and k*ller whales.

I liked jump rope.

You jump rope?
What rhymes do you know?

Oh, Walking the Dog.
Lincoln, Lincoln.
Harbor Street.

You know Harbor Street?

BOTH:
♪ When they get in fights

♪ This is what they say

♪ Boys are rotten

♪ Made out of cotton

♪ Girls are sassy

♪ Made from molasses

♪ Boys go to Jupiter
to get more stupider

♪ Girls go to college
to get more knowledge ♪

And my sister kept it.

She said, "You'll just
break it." I was so mad.

I snuck in her room
and broke it when
she was sleeping.

Ha, you think
that's annoying,

try having a sister
that's perfect.

Perfect? What do you
mean "perfect"?

Well, she gets straight As
at Bennington College.

All the boys wanna
go out with her.

But she's gotta stay home
and practice the piano

for the Brandenburg Concerto

she's giving
at the orphanage
this weekend.

And Mom and Dad
can't get enough of her.

Last time she was home,
I was going out of my mind.

Good morning.

Who wants some more
of my freshly made
Sumatran drip coffee?

I'll have another cup
if you made it.

Mm-hmm, when did
you wake up, honey?

Oh, hours ago.

I went down
to the corner grocer's
for breakfast ingredients.

I'm baking a lemon souffle.

(LAUGHING) Oh, Olga.

It's great to have you
in the kitchen again.

I'm gonna have to
put another notch
in my lucky belt.

You sure do spoil us
when you're home, honey.

You sure do.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Mom.

Did you pick up
my winter coat
from the cleaners?

What? Oh, Helga, I forgot.

All the excitement,

your sister being home
from Alaska.

But don't worry,

because the weatherman
said it should stay
above freezing

for most of the day.
Grrr.

BOB: Speaking of Alaska,
Olga, tell us all about it.

Start all over again
from the very beginning.

Oh, it was so wonderful,
Daddy.

Primeval forests.

The streams choked
with migrating salmon.

Lake glacier.

The towering peak
of McKinley.

I'm going to school now.

(BOB AND MIRIAM LAUGHING)

HELGA: Nobody in my house
even knows I exist.

They never
listen to me.

I think I'd go crazy
if it wasn't for Arno...

Arno...

Are no air conditioners
working in this entire
building?

It must be 90 degrees
in here.

Then I'll turn on
a fan.

No, don't bother,
I'm actually all talked out,
I'll let myself out.

Helga, there's still
49 minutes left
in this session.

Relax, sit down.

Oh, no, forget it, Doc.
I'm on to you.

You think
if you hang out with me

and tell me
a little about yourself,

I'm gonna get all gushy
and say anything you want.

Well, it's not gonna be
that easy, sister.

Okay, Helga,
we don't have to
talk about your family.

We can keep it light.

We can talk about
the weather or sports
or your classmates.

We can talk about Arnold.

Arnold?

DR. BLISS: We can
talk about Arnold.

Arnold, what about him?

Let's talk about him,
he's special to you,
isn't he?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Well, yesterday morning
in Mr. Simmons' class

you threw 57 spitballs
at him.

You stared at him
the whole time

and you called him,
"football head."

Yeah, so,
what's your point?

That's a lot of attention
to pay to someone,
even if it is negative.

You got a problem
with that?

You seem angry
at him in particular.

I am not angry
at him, that was
completely random.

I was throwing
spitballs at him,
because...

Uh, it was Arnold day
on my calendar.

Today was Gerald day,
I sh*t rubber bands
at Gerald, really.

Okay then,
we'll move on.

Whew, she's moving on.
Nice recovery, Helga.

Now, all I have to do
is stay focused.

No matter what,
stay away from
the subject of Arnold.

Now, we're going
to do some tests.

Oh, tests?
Yes, we'll start
with ink blots.

I want you to look
at these and describe
what you see.

Ar... Ar...

Architecture
of some kind?

Ar, um...

Uh, inverted soup tree

that's on fire.

(EXCLAIMS) Hot in here.

Are... Aren't you tired
of this?

I mean, what would
a bunch of ink blots

tell you anyway?
They're just ink blots.

You're right,
that's enough ink blots.

How about we try
a little word association?

Now, I'm going to read off
this list of words

and I want you
to say the next word
that comes to mind.

Steady, girl,
you can do it.

Do not say Arnold.

Love.
Hate.

Rocket.
Locket.

Pocket. David Crockett.

Football.
Head. (CHUCKLES)

Did I say head?
I mean game, football game.

(CHUCKLES)

Monday.
Night football.

(SCREAMS)

Enough word associations.

Good idea.
Let's move on.

What else do you want
to talk about?

You said that
no one at home
notices you exist.

And?

Well, I think that's
very sad, Helga.

Everyone needs
to be noticed.

Otherwise life would be
terribly lonely.

Yeah, you got that right.

Your mom
doesn't notice you?

My mom? (SCOFFS)

My mom wouldn't notice me
if I was an alien pod person

chanting Hare Krishna
and spitting nickels.

The other morning
I was in the kitchen,

late for school as usual.

Mom?

Miriam?

She's asleep
behind the couch.

Again?

What? What?

Oh. I was just
looking for my keys.

They're hanging on
the hook, Miriam.

Oh, good.

Mom, I'm late for school
and no one made my lunch.

Oh, yeah, I did, honey.
I put it out for you.

It's, it's...
It's around here somewhere.

Oh, here it is.

Moist towelettes,
an individual packet
of crackers

and a can of shaving cream?

Oh, how did that
get in there?

(CHUCKLES)

Oh-oh, oh-oh, that must
mean the cheese fizz
is in B's medicine cabinet.

(EXCLAIMS)

How am I supposed
to run a beeper empire

with my face smelling
like hickory smoked
cheddar, Miriam?

Did you eventually
get to school?
Yeah.

What did you have
for lunch?

I traded the shaving
cream with Harold
for a Mr. Fudgy Bar.

He thought it was
some kind of whipped topping.

What an idiot.

So, what about your dad,
he doesn't notice you
either?

(SCOFFS) Are you kidding?

All he cares about
is Olga

because she's so perfect.

She's got him
completely buffaloed,

always has, as far back
as I can remember

(OLGA PLAYING PIANO)

That was wonderful, honey.

You're a stinkin' genius.

Daddy, who's gonna
take me to preschool?

Eh, oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
Come on, play us another one,
Olga.

I know, how about
the Minute Waltz
by Monsieur Frederic Chopin?

Oh, I love that one.

Yeah, you should hear
her play Beethoven, Miriam.

MIRIAM: Can you believe
our Olga?

Concert pianist
at 15.

Class valedictorian.

Plus she's won every
spelling bee in the
whole darn city.

Heh, makes me proud
to be a Pataki.

Hey, who's taking me
to preschool?

Yeah, in a minute, Olga.

No, I'm Helga, Dad. Helga.

Whatever.
Go play outside, would ya?

I'm going to preschool.

What do you know?
One minute flat.

(LAUGHS) You're amazing,
Olga.

I'm going
to preschool.

(SNORING)

(BARKING)

So nobody's
ever noticed you?

And there was someone.

Hi, nice bow.

Huh?

I like your bow
because it's pink
like your pants.

(SIGHS) Oh.

(SIGHS) Oh.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

Want mine?

(SIGHS) Oh.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Quit laughing, geek bait,

or you'll have
to answer to old Betsy
and her five avengers.

Old, who?
And a five what?

My fists, stupid.
That's their names.

What? Wait, wait,
your fists had names?

Oh, you're confusing me.

(GRUNTS)

I'm the boss
around here.

Got it?

That's right,
I'm walking here,
Helga G. Pataki.

What's the G stand for?

None of your beeswax.

Now get busy with
your finger painting

before I make you
wear it.
Okay.
Not to force it, Mommy.

I love you, Arnold,

and I want to marry you.

(BRAINY WHEEZING)

And I'm trying to hide
behind the stinkin'
garbage can,

I'm just trying
to get a minute alone,

and there he is,
breathing away.

Of course, I hit him.

And why did you want
that minute alone, Helga?

Because of...
(SIGHS) Leave me alone.

I'm hearing your anger
again, Helga.

Okay, so you hear my anger,

so I get angry.

I already told you
that I've got a lame mom,
a blowhard dad

and a perfect sister.

So they make me mad,
big deal.

So why do you take
it out on Arnold?

Why do you keep
bringing up Arnold?

I am not angry
at Arnold.

Helga, I've seen you
express more anger at him
than anyone else.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

You know, Helga,

if you feel like
getting something
off your chest,

like how you feel
about Arnold,

now might be
a pretty good time
to do it.

Anything you say
will be kept in confidence,
of course.

Confidence?

It's my professional code
not to tell what goes on
in here.

You're sworn
not to tell?

Of course, Helga.

I mean,
you're sworn, right?

Even if you were tortured,
you'd never tell?

I swear never to tell.

You mean, so, like,
if someone stuck your head

in a cage
with a starved rabid rat,
you still wouldn't tell?

Even then, Helga,
I still wouldn't tell.

Well, I...

You...

I...

I love Arnold.

There, I said it.

I love him, I love him,

Arnold, Arnold,
Arnold, Arnold.

I'm absolutely
and positively in love
with the boy.

I wanna grow up
and have a fabulous life

traveling around
the world with him,
coffee in Paris.

Roses, sailboats,
the whole nine yards.

I wanna have a perfume
named after us,
Arnold and Helga.

I love Arnold!

(CAR ALARM BEEPING)

(PANTING) Satisfied?

Now we're getting somewhere.

And if you
ever tell anyone,

I'll rip your tongue out
and wrap it around your neck.

Don't worry,
you can trust me.

(SIGHS)

Man, that was
building up for a while.

I know.

But you said it
and the world
didn't end, did it?

(SIGHS) No.

I guess I'm pretty sick,
aren't I?

I mean, I once sculpted
Arnold's likeness

out of wads
of his used gum.

You're not sick,
you feel your feelings
very strongly.

You're very creative.

Did you say, "used gum"?

Okay, so you love Arnold

and you're scared
to tell him

'cause he might
not love you back.

Helga, this kind of
thing happens every day.

But you realize that
you'll never know
how he feels

until you tell him.

But I'm not ready
to tell him.

You don't have to tell
him now, you can do it
when you're ready.

You mean, I can still
keep it a secret?
Mm-hmm.

It's okay to be obsessed
about him?

You know,
the shrines and stuff,
the 3:00 a.m. vigils,

the Tantric spells?

As long as you're not
hurting anyone,

it sounds like an okay way
to express yourself.

So, animal sacrifices
are out?

Yes, I'm afraid so.

So, it's okay
to be Helga.

I can go out there
and yell and boss
the other kids around.

Right?
Right.

What about Brainy?
Can I still sock him?

No, don't sock Brainy,
that's why you're here
in the first place.

Okay, that's plenty
to think about.

The session's
over, Helga.

What? Already?

But we're just starting
to make some progress.

We can talk again.

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

Man, I feel great.

So clean.

Confession is good
for the soul.

It's the new, honest me.

(BOTH GROAN)

Sorry, Helga.
Arnold...

I just wanna say that...

That...

That you should watch
where you're walking,
football head.

Quit crashing into me
all the time, sheesh.

Nice running into
you too, Helga.

(LAUGHS) Look at him,
all ticked off.

He doesn't get it,
he doesn't know
my secret.

What a sap.

What a maroon.

He still can't even tell.

that I adore him.

(SIGHS) Oh.

My football headed
love god.

I'm okay, you're okay,
we're all okay.

I love you, love you,
love you.

(WHEEZING)

Look, Brainy,
this is just weird.

How is it that
you're standing
behind me again?

How'd you get
in this little arch?

Were you waiting
for me to come
to this alley?

What's your deal?

Okay, I'm not gonna
hit you this time.

This one's for free.

Today, I'm feeling
generous.

But tomorrow,
look out.

(GRUNTS)

ALL: Hey, Helga.
How you doing?

Looking good.

(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)