05x01 - Monkeyman!/Buses, Bikes, and Subways

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey Arnold!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.

Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey Arnold!

What the...
Shut up!
Where's your money?

Let go of me, ow.
Monkeyman!

(YELPING)

MONKEYMAN: Monkeyman!

HELGA: (LAUGHING BOISTEROUSLY)
Yeah, right, Arnold.

Monkeyman saved you.
And then what?

He gave you his business card?

No. He went after
the two guys who were
trying to mug me.

Did you get
a good look at him?
Not really.

It was pretty dark.
Does he really wear
monkey slippers?

You guys, you guys,
slow down! We're getting
ahead of ourselves here.

Since this is the first
authentic Monkeyman
sighting this year,

and especially since
it was our own Arnold
who witnessed it,

I think Gerald
should tell the legend

for any of us who may not
have heard it in a while.

Gerald?
Thank you, Sid.

Friends, how many times
have we awakened

to the frightful cry,
"Monkeyman"?

How many times
have we seen him
in the corner of our eye

never stopping,
always speeding by,

a flash of his cape down
the alleys and streets,

scampering up fire escapes,

like a freaked out chimpanzee?

Monkeyman.
Some say he's
a force for good.

A twisted urban Robin Hood,

defending the weak
and downtrodden.

Some say he's a force for bad,

a tricking, conniving cat.

Furthermore,
just plain rotten.

Still others say,
he's some guy in pajamas,

living on stolen bananas.

Who knows? No one's
ever talked to him.

But if you find yourself
in the heart of downtown,

keep looking around,

'cause you just
might run into him.

Monkeyman. The end.

Oh, that was
beautiful, Gerald.

I don't think
he's evil or crazy, Gerald.

I think he knows
what he's doing.

(SCOFFS) Yeah. Like you
talked to him, Arnold.

No, I didn't.
But I bet if I did,

he'd turn out to be
a normal guy.
Just like the rest of us.

Normal? Arnold,
he runs around downtown

in his pajamas,
yelling "Monkeyman".

He's a freak of nature.

Actually, football-head,
you two would
probably get along.

Maybe we would.
I'm gonna try and find him.

(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY) Yeah,
and pigs are gonna fly
out of a monkey's butt.

I'm gonna find him, Helga,

and thank him for what he did.

GERALD: I mean,
how are we ever
gonna find him?

He's Monkeyman, man.
He's mythological.

Monkeyman?
I know where to find him.
You do?

Yeah, he comes down
to the docks on Tuesdays

when they unload
the banana boats.

It's next
to the meat-packing plant.

You saw Monkeyman then?
Did you get
a good look at him?

Nah, no one ever
gets a good look.

He only comes at night

just long enough to grab
some bananas off a boat.

Then he goes swinging out
of there on a rope, yelling,

(YELLING) "Monkeyman!"

in that creepy way he does.

He's a mystery wrapped
in an enigma, Arnold.

But try down
at the docks on Tuesday.

My butt's falling asleep.

Mine too. But let's wait
just a little while longer.

I'm sure we'll see him.

(SCOFFS) Look, Arnold,
we've been sitting here
for three hours,

and I haven't seen
so much as a rat.

You can stay here
if you want,
but I'm going home.

Yeah, I'm staying.
See you, Gerald.

MONKEYMAN:
(YELLING) Monkeyman!

Monkeyman.

(BOTH GASPING AND SCREAMING)

I'm Arnold.
I'm Monkeyman.

I'm a superhero.
I fight crime. Monkeyman.

I... I wanted to thank you
for saving me the other night.

All in the line
of duty. Monkeyman.

So, you wanna come over
to my house or something?

Your house?
Yeah, for dinner.

Gee, dinner at your,
Monkeyman, house,
I don't know.

I live outside
of society, Arnold.

I can't be swayed
by fancy dinners

and the, Monkeyman,
finer things in life.

I'd get distracted.
I wouldn't
be able to fight crime.

Oh, come on, Monkeyman.
It's just one dinner.

And then you can go
right back to fighting crime.

What do you say?

GRANDPA: So,
Mr. Monkeyman,

Arnold says you live in,
kind of a clubhouse

made out of cardboard boxes.

No, that's just my lair,
my, Monkeyman, batcave.

A post-industrial
bachelor pad, if you will.

I live with my aunt
and uncle. Monkeyman.

I'll tell you one thing.
He sure smells like a monkey.

Yes! I can barely stand it.

Um, Arnold, I have
some bananas
in my Monkey-mobile.

Maybe I should just
go out there and...

It's just spaghetti
and meatballs, Monkeyman.

It's great. Try it,
like this. See?

Wow. Arnold, it is.
It's great.

So, Monkeyman, I...

I see you're kind
of confused around silverware.

Well, superheroes don't
normally use silverware.

Yeah, yeah. And about
the superhero thing, um,

what's the deal
with the costume

and the running around
at night yelling "Monkeyman"

and waking us
working people up?

It's my Monkeyman job,
I Monkeyman!

Yeah, that part I got.

I mean, why are you Monkeyman?

Well, you see,
I grew up in a zoo.

Or next to one.
I spent all my time there.

I was obsessed
with the monkeys
on Monkey Island.

I wanted to be just like them.

Everyone said I was weird.

They made fun of me
and my love for monkeys.

They even made fun
of my stuffed,
Monkeyman, monkey.

They teased me,
threw things at me,

and finally they stole
my stuffed monkey,

and b*at me up and chased me
out of the zoo. Monkeyman!

So I decided
to change my identity

and become a force for good

and against evil

to defend the weak
and downtrodden

from bullies everywhere.

Plus I had to get
my monkey back.

Monkeyman!

I'll tell you one thing,
he's not staying
in my room tonight.

Yes. He's very creepy
and he smells.

I got an idea, Monkeyman.

After dinner, why don't
we go down to Slausen's
and get a banana split?

A banana split?

What is that?

Uh, Slausen's?
I'm not... I'm not clear.

KID: What?
Williker.

Arnold's just sitting there
like it's no big deal

having a banana split
with the Monkeyman.

(SIGHS) That boy leads
a charmed life.

Wow. Arnold,
Monkeyman, wow.

This Banana split has gotta
be the greatest invention

ever thought of by mankind.

And to think
you non-superheroes can
come here

and Monkeyman, eat them
whenever you want.

I can't believe I've been
missing out on this
for all these years.

Well, thanks again
for saving me, Monkeyman.

I guess you ought
to be getting back
to fighting crime now, huh?

(INCREDULOUSLY)
Are you kidding?

You've... You've opened
the door to a whole new world

of fantastic stuff, Arnold.

I'm just getting,
Monkeyman, started.

Come on, Arnold. Monkeyman!

This, Monkeyman,
clarifying shampoo is crazy.

My... My hair is
bouncing and... And behaving.

Monkeyman.

Uh, uh, what do you think?

Well, I for one,
think it's Mo...

(CLEARS THROAT)
Marvelously minimalistic

and jejune.

Ah, ah, brilliant. Jejune.

Yes. Have you met the mayor?

(CHUCKLES POMPOUSLY)
Hi Monkeyman.
Can I talk to you?

Oh, I'm afraid
I can't, Arnold.

The mayor
and I are about to enjoy

a performance of La Boheme.

You're sure spending
a lot of time going
to parties and stuff.

What's your point?
Well...

It must cut into
your job, you know,

protecting the weak
and downtrodden.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, right.

We have a whole police force

to take care of the weak
and the downtrodden, Arnold.

Well, it's been nice
chatting with you, Arnold.

We really should try to
get together sometime.

Mon... (CLEARS THROAT)

(CHUCKLES) Ciao.

SID: Hey, what...

Where's your money?
I don't have any. Ow!

What do you got then, punk?

Monkeyman, help!

Monkeyman! (SOBBING)

(SCREAMING)

Howdy, Arnold.
Is Monkeyman coming?

He's with the mayor
watching La Boheme.

That's somethin'
even I couldn't
have predicted that.

I'm worried about him, Gerald.

What for? He's having fun.

But he's just not
the same Monkeyman anymore.

He doesn't even care
about the helpless
and the downtrodden.

Arnold, we have
a police force
to take care of that.

What difference does it make
if Monkeyman's
having a good time?

(CRYING)

KID: Hey, Sid. Are you okay?

They jumped me. Two big guys.

I didn't have
enough money
so they took 'em!

What, Sid? Took what?

Arnold, they took
my Beatle boots. (CRYING)

I want my boots!

Bye bye, mayor.
Thanks for the chat.

I'll be seeing you soon.

Sid, what's wrong?
What happened?

What happened?
I got mugged!

Mugged?
Yeah, you know, mugged.

Right in front
of the stinking opera house!

Opera house?

Yeah. I looked around
and thought, "Hey,
where's Monkeyman?

"He should be
saving me about now."

But no. You were too busy
going to the opera
with the mayor!

You are not
a superhero at all!

You're just some kind
of selfish, caviar-eating,

opera-going, tuxedo boy!

Yeah, that's what you are.

(WHIMPERING) Yeah!

Oh, Monkeyman?

It's me, Arnold.

Oh, (STUTTERING) hi.
Come in, Arnold.

What's going on?

Hmm, I'm packing
it in, Arnold.

I'm Mo... Quitting
the superhero business.

But you can't quit.
You're Monkeyman.

Hmm, yeah. I used
to be Monkeyman, Arnold.

Sworn to protect
the weak and the downtrodden

until I got
all stuck up and snooty

and starter hanging out
at the opera
with Mo... Celebrities.

And then those punks stole
Sid's Beatle boots

and I didn't lift
a finger to stop 'em
'cause I'd grown soft

and only cared
about the Mo... Finer things.

Wait. So you made one mistake,

and you went to the opera
instead of fighting crime.

That doesn't mean you should
stop being a superhero.

You were happy
being Monkeyman.

You still can do it.

Sure, Sid needed you.

But lots
of kids still need you.

Don't give up now.
We need you, Monkeyman.

"Dear Arnold,
thanks for everything."

"Please give these to Sid."

MONKEYMAN: Monkeyman!

Crap, a field trip
to the chocolate factory

and everyone's
carrying on like they d*ed
and went to heaven.

What buffoons!

Aren't you looking forward
to the visit, Helga?

Are you kidding? I got tickets
to Wrestlemania tonight.

The sooner we finish
this dorky little escapade,

the sooner I get there.

Cut it out, Helga.
What?

Class, please. Listening ears.

(KIDS SETTLE DOWN)
Thank you.

Now, we're almost there.

So first, a few rules.

Rule one! Go straight
to the Yahoo chocolate
hospitality room

and eat chocolate
num-nums till you puke!

(KIDS CHEERING)

Oh, stop cheering already.

Harold's obnoxious enough,
don't encourage him.

Listen, Helga.

I've been dreaming
about this field trip
since kindergarten.

And I'm planning on having
the best day of my life.

So stay out of my way,
Madame Fortress Mommy.

You stay out
of my way, pink boy.

KIDS: (CHANTING) Chocolate!

Class, before we begin
enjoying the exhibits,

remember, we'll all meet up
outside the hospitality room

at... Okay.
We'll all meet up later.

Chocolate factory.
Yeah, chocolate.

(YAWNS)

Yeah, chocolate.
Big vats of chocolate.

What's Chocolate boy
doing here?
He's not in our class.

ARNOLD: He's not
even in our grade.

Uh, Chocolate boy,
where are you going?

You're not going to do
anything crazy now, are you?

(SPLASH)
(GERALD GASPS)

And over here, behind me,

is the huge vat where they...

(GASPS) Mr. Simmons,
there's somebody swimming
in the chocolate.

Phoebe, what a truly vivid
imagination you have.

We all know there's no way
anyone could... (SCREAMS)

Chocolate boy, let me start
by saying that I am not
at all happy about this.

You skipped school
to come on this field trip

without anyone's permission.
What do you have
to say for yourself?

(CHUCKLES) Chocolate.

Well, I think it's time
to take you back to school.

I better round up the class
and get them on the bus.

You mean
the field trip is over?
Oh, I'm afraid so, Helga.

Yes! Wrestlemania,
here I come.

(LAUGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

STINKY: Chocolate boy,
thanks a lot.

Where's Harold?
He'd better not make me late.

All right,
is everyone on board?

I'll just do
a quick headcount.

Two, four, six...
Mmm, chocolate.

Warm sticky chocolate.
Chocolate boy, please.

Please. Oh, stop
licking yourself.

Now, oh, where was I?

Oh, yes. Ten, 12...

Hey, stupid. Wake up!
It's time to roll.

I said, move it,
pig boy! Move!
Ow, ow!

And 30. Well, I think
that's everybody.

Ow, quit pulling my arm!
The bus is leaving,
you dumb oaf.

No!

Wait! Come back! Come back!

We're all alone!
We'll starve to death!

Get real, porky. You just ate
half your weight in chocolate.

Besides, I bet they've
already noticed we're gone

and they're
turning around right now.

EVERYBODY:
♪ Ninety-five bottles
of beer on the wall

♪ Ninety-five bottles
of beer!

Or maybe not. Okay.
Let's go back inside
and call our parents.

Hey, wait! Let us in!
Hey, no!

Help! Help!
No, wait! No!

(HAROLD WHIMPERS)

So, how much money you got?

Enough for one call each.

Hello? Mom, it's me. Helga.

I'm stuck
at the chocolate factory
with a moron.

The school bus left us here

and we don't have
any way to get back.

Help, please. Pick up, Miriam.

(SIGHS)

Hello? Mommy, it's me, Harold.

I've never heard of you.
Don't call me again!

Dialed the wrong number.

Just brilliant. You don't even
know your own phone number.

Where are you going?
To Wrestlemania.

Even if I have to walk there.

Hey! Wait up, Helga.
Don't leave me here, please!

Hey, look. The subway!
We're saved!

Yeah. Great idea, genius.
Only one little problem.

It costs money to take
the subway and we don't
have any.

Then we'll just jump the gate.
No one ever gets caught.
Come on!

Hey, you two kids!
(YELPS)

Come back here!

Oh, phew! That was close.

Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick.

"No one ever gets caught."

Okay, now what? I guess
we get off at Lexington.

HAROLD: No, no,
we get off at Lincoln.

I took this train
with my dad once.

To where?
The Idiot's convention?

Now, I know what I'm talking
about, Helga. Trust me!

Fine. But you better
be right, pink boy.

(PUKES)
Ew.

HELGA: Now what?

I don't know. It kinda looks
different than I remembered.

You don't have any idea
where we are, do you? Do ya?

Helga? Come back!

Hey, look!

One, I'm not gonna
ride that clown bike.

Two, it doesn't belong to us.

Aw, come on.
No one's gonna notice.

You wanna make it
to Wrestlemania, don't ya?

(WHIRRING)

Aw, why do I have
to sit in the back?

Just shut up and pedal.

We've got miles to go
and I'm doing all the work.

Madame Fortress Mommy.

CLOWN: Hey, bicycle thief.
Come back!

Get the car.

EVERYONE:
♪ 41 bottles
of beer on the wall ♪

What's wrong?
Why did you stop singing?

I don't know. I just got
this strange feeling
like something is missing.

Look, the city!
We're almost there!

Yeah. Almost there.
Try five miles, bonehead.

Well, at least
we've got wheels.

I told you taking
this bike was a good idea.

Guess I'm not
so dumb after all, huh?
(CAR HONKS)

CLOWN: Hey, come back here,
you runt kids!

You won't get
away with this.
(SCREAMING)

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

THUG: They gotta be
around here somewhere.

When I get my hands on them,

I'm gonna pound the fat one
while the skinny one watches.

THUG: (CHUCKLES)
I would like to see that.

That's the last time
I borrow some clown's bike.

Perfect. I'm being
stalked by a mob
of angry circus freaks,

I'm waist-deep
in freezing cold water

next to a big fat loser,

and there's a really annoying
light shining in my face.

Hey, what is
that light? Come on.

(MAN SINGING)
Look! It's
Sheena's uncle, Earl.

Hey mister, wake up.
What? Who goes there?

Can you give us
a ride into town?

There's some
crazy midget clowns
that want to k*ll us!

Midget clowns eh? Aarr!

KIDS: (SINGING)
♪ Seventeen bottles of beer
On the wall

♪ Seventeen bottles of beer

♪ Take one down
Pass it around... ♪

Hey, Phoebe. Where's Helga?

Gosh, I don't know.
I assumed she was
sitting up front.

Uh-oh.

MR. SIMMONS:
We what? Oh my word.

What a nightmare.
At least it's almost over.

See, I told you
everything would work out.

Hey, what's this?

Oi, don't be pulling that.

(POP)

(SCREAMING)

EARL: Argh!

HAROLD: Help,
help me! I can't swim!

Neither can I.
Good luck to ye.

Harold, quit choking me.
Help, please!

And grab on to this. (GASPING)

What is it, chocolate boy?
You smell something?

Yeah, yeah.
It's Harold's chocolate.

Probably an hour ago.
Maybe an hour and fifteen.

Oh, dear.
I'm afraid they're long gone.

I better go straight
to Harold's
and Helga's parents

and tell them that they're
missing... Stop sniffing me.
(SNIFFING)

We're alive!
(CRIES IN DELIGHT)
You saved my life!

I think I love you!

Harold, get away from me,

You big whale.
Huh?

Everything that happened
today is your fault!

You can't do anything right.

Take the bus for example.

Why do you think
we missed it, Harold?

Oh, let's see.

Hmm, maybe was it
because you were
too busy eating

twice your bodyweight
in chocolate num nums.

Oh, how about this one?

"Let's take the subway.
I think it goes to Lincoln."

Oh, wait. No, it doesn't.

It goes straight
to the bowels
of the underworld!

Population: Hub cycle,
totkas, midget clowns!

I know,
let's steal their bike.

They won't mind.

Now, you'd think
that would be enough
to fill any moron's day.

But you're not just
any moron, are you, Harold?

You're the king!
Your day is just
getting started.

So, because
of your amazing curiosity

about the world around us,

you pull the plug
out of the bottom
of our getaway boat!

(SIGHS) You idiot.

So, is that what
you really think of me, Helga?

You think I'm an idiot
and I can't do anything right?

Yes, Harold.
That's what I really think.

Hey! I think
I know where we are.

Yeah, we're
up the creek without a paddle.

Really, Helga!
I know where we are.

Let's go, come on! Come on!

HELGA: Ow!
Let go of me, you big oaf!

This is it!
This is it! Come on!

Stop it.

Stop pulling me

and tell me where
you're taking me, right now.

(CROWD ROARING)
Wrestlemania!

(GASPING) Wrestlemania?

But how?

My cousin works here
as a security guard.

He lets me in all the time.

Hey, furball! (LAUGHS)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Can I help you?
Uh, Mrs. Pataki,

I'm afraid I have
some very serious news.
Your daughter Helga...

(PHONE RINGING)
Would you just
excuse me just a sec?

Hello? Oh, hi, Helga.

Wrestlemania with Harold?

Okay. Have fun. Bye bye.

Now, what was
that you were saying?

(WHIMPERS)

Um, Harold, I just
wanted to say... I'm sorry.

Oh, that's okay.
Chocolate num-num?

(CROWD CHEERING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)