05x04 - Bag of Money/Principal Simmons

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold!

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.

Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

I'm telling you, Sid,
you can't dribble.

What are you taking about?
Look, I can dribble.

Hey, what's that?

Oh, man!

ARNOLD: 3,936...

$3,937.

We're rich! We're rich!

That's $1,312 each.
Plus change.

I guess we should
turn it into the police.

Huh?
It's not our money.

Somebody obviously lost it.

We don't know that.

Maybe they threw it away.

How would anyone
throw away $3,937?

Maybe they just
didn't want the money.

Or maybe they had
so much money,
they were sick of it all.

And they just decided
to throw it in the trash

so they could live
a simpler and more
carefree life.

Come on, Sid.
Do you really believe that?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Look, we have
to turn the money in.

Besides, there might be
a reward.

He's right, Sid.
Okay, okay.

If we have to get
all moral about it.

Let's go down
to the police station
right now.

The sooner we get there,
the sooner we get
our reward money.

Wait a second!
I can't go now.

It's my dad's birthday,
and I promised him
I'd be home by 5:00.

Okay, then
Gerald and I can...

What about me?
We all found the money.

It's not fair to leave me
out of the big moment
when we turn it in.

Well, I guess we could
do it in the morning.

We could meet at
the police station at 8:00
and turn it in.

What are we gonna do
with the money till then?

I'll take it home.
Maybe I should.

No. If I can't take it home,
why should you take it home?

All right. How about
we let Arnold take it home?

It's okay with me.
You guys trust me, right?

Sure I trust you.
Okay, why not.

We can trust Arnold.
I mean, after all,

Arnold is the most
honest guy around.

Thank you, young man.

$3,937.

Show him, Arnold.

Bird seed?
(ALL GASP)

Oh, no. Oh that lady
on the bus, she must've taken
my bag by mistake.

What are you talking about?
Where's our money?

There was an old lady and...

And she had a peg leg
and pink hair and one eyebrow,

and she had all these
little plastic bags
with her and she...

She must've taken
my bag by mistake.

A lady with a peg leg
and one eyebrow?

And pink hair.
That is the craziest story
I've ever heard.

Well, I know it sounds
a little weird, but it's true.

I'm really sorry.
I don't know
what else to say.

An old lady
with a peg leg...

One eyebrow and pink hair.
Carrying a bunch
of plastic bags

just like the one
with our money in it.

Doesn't that sound just
a little suspicious to you?

In know it sounds weird
but Arnold wouldn't
make something like that up.

I mean, he's as honest
as the day is long.

He's true blue.
$3,937, Gerald.

I mean, think about it.

So then he says,
"Oh, there was
a crazy old lady on the bus

"with pink hair,
and a peg leg,
and one eyebrow.

"She must've taken
the money by mistake."

Pink hair
and one eyebrow?

That's insane!

I'm telling you. He made
the whole thing up so
he could keep all the money.

Arnold is the most
dishonest guy around.

He's so crummy.
(ALL CHATTERING)

You think you know a person
and then they do
something like this.

(SHUSHING)
Here he comes.

Where'd you get
the new watch?

Oh, my grandpa
gave it to me.

Oh, really? Your grandpa
happened to give you
a brand new,

very expensive watch

the day after you claim
you lost the $3,937

we found, to an old lady
with pink hair,

a peg leg
and one eyebrow!

Well, actually, he gave it
to me last month.

I just haven't
worn it till today.

And you expect me
to believe that?

Yes. Yes, I do.

A brand new watch.
You think that's
a coincidence?

I know it's
little strange, but...

$3,937, Gerald.

Think about it.

(CHATTERING)

Pretty fancy shoes, Arnold.
Your grandpa
gave them to you?

I've worn
these shoes before, Sid.

Sure, Arnold. Sure.

New watch, new shoes.

That's probably
just a coincidence.

Or it's proof that
Arnold stole
our $3,937.

Think about it.

You wanna
go to the arcade?

Uh... I don't know.
I kinda made plans.

I, uh, I promised Timberly
that I'd uh, I'd play
"Old Maid" with her.

"Old Maid?"
You hate that game.

Yeah, well,
you know, I mean,

she's my sister
and I promised her,
so... you know.

Well, maybe tomorrow.

Yeah, sure.
(HESITATINGLY)
Maybe tomorrow.

Where's you get
the ten spot?

Oh, it's from my birthday.

Your birthday
was six months ago.

How many birthdays
do you have in a year?

I've been saving it.

Why won't you just
break $100, Arnold?

I mean, what's a hundred
out of $3,937?

Take it easy, Sid.

It's our money
and he stole it.

I didn't steal anything.

Liar! You stole it
and you know it.

You're a rat, Arnold.
A rat fink.
You're all witnesses.

Arnold stole our money.
He's a rat. A rat fink.

Hey, Gerald,
you wanna play catch?

Uh... I can't. I have
to help my mom
with some wallpapering.

Gerald, what's wrong?
Nothing.

I mean, nothing's wrong.
I don't know what you mean.

You've been avoiding me.
Making up excuses

every time I ask you
if you wanna do stuff.

Really? I, uh...
I haven't noticed.

It's about the money,
isn't it?

Look, I told you
what happened.

I know it sounds weird
but it's the truth.

All right. Yeah,
it's the truth. I know.

But you don't believe me.

I didn't say that.

But you don't, do you?

I don't...
I don't know.

Well, then maybe
we just shouldn't be
friends anymore.

Come on, Arnold.
I mean, don't be like that.

It's not that I don't
believe you. It's just that...

Well, your story's
a little weird.

Don't worry
about it, Gerald.

You don't have
to believe me.

I know I'm telling
the truth and that's
all that matters.

Arnold, wait!

I am monkey man!

Everybody thinks
I took the money.

And now even Gerald
doesn't believe me.

Well, you told everybody
the truth, didn't you?

Yeah.
Then what are you
worried about?

So what if everybody
hates you and you even
lost your best friend?

Who needs 'em!
I'll be your best friend.

It'll be just me
and you like frick and frack.

We'll grow old together.

Wait a minute,
I'm already old. Well, okay.

So you'll grow old alone
with no one to talk to

and nothing to comfort you
except your fond memories
of me and...

I'm not helping, am I?

It's okay, Grandpa.

Short man,
I know you're in a funk.

But when you get
as old as me, you'll realize

that no matter what
terrible, unfair things
happen to you,

eventually, they'll pass.
Take this sandwich
for instance.

The second I took a bite,
I knew I made a mistake.

You see, this ham's been
sitting in the back of the
refrigerator for weeks.

It's bad ham, Arnold.

I'll probably be sick
in my office

the rest of the night
and most of the day tomorrow.

But I'm not gonna
let that get me down.

And you know why?

Because I know
that this bad ham
will pass. Literally.

And a week from now,

I'll forget all about
the pain and suffering
of food poisoning.

Just like you'll forget
all about your problem.

Thanks, Grandpa.
I hope you're right.

Me too. Because I feel like I
just swallowed a hot mitten.
(STOMACH GRUMBLING)

(GROANS)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Look at him. What a weasel.
If he thinks he can
get away with this,

he's got another thing coming.

We really should do
something about Arnold.

I mean, we can't just
let him get away
with this, can we?

ALL: No, no...
I say we teach him a lesson.

ALL: Yeah!

I say we should
make him pay!

ALL: Yeah!

We should make him admit
that he took that money!

Get him!
Hey!

Admit it, Arnold.
Just admit you
stole that money.

But I didn't
steal it, Sid.

I say we tie him up
to the tetherball pole.

(ALL CLAMORING)

I didn't do it.
I didn't do it.

Doesn't anybody believe me?
GERALD: I do!

Arnold's my best friend.

And even though his story
sounds far-fetched,

even crazy
and made up, well,

I believe him.
I mean, he would
never take that money.

I mean, my man
is true blue
and I'm sticking by him.

Thanks, Gerald.
Don't mention it.

And I know if you all
think about it,

you'll realize Arnold
was telling
the truth all along.

And you'll forget about
being mad at him

and thinking about
how you can get back at him
for something

he never even did
in the first place.

Well, what do you say?

I say we tie him up
to the tetherball pole!

(ALL CLAMORING)

(GRUNTS)

POLICE OFFICER:
Wait!

Is there a boy here
named Arnold?

He's right here.

Who the heck is that?

I reckon it's
an old lady

with pink hair,
a peg leg
and one eyebrow.

I've been looking
for you.

I took your bag by mistake

and found all that money.

I turned it into the police,

but it wasn't until yesterday

that I found your
bus pass in the bag.

You can claim the money
at the police station anytime.

Actually, Gerald and Sid and I
found the money and we were
on our way to turn it in.

Well, the money's safe now
and if no one claims it
within 90 days,

then it's yours to keep.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
(ENGINE STARTS)

ALL: I''m really sorry.
Arnold, I'm so sorry.

I treated you
like a criminal
and a common thief.

I called you a liar.
What can I do
to make it up to you?

Wait, I've got it!

How about if nobody
claims the money in 90 days,
then I'll give you my share.

Okay, Sid.

Great! So you
forgive me, right?

Sure. Of course I would've
forgiven you anyway.

You mean even if I
didn't give you my share?

Yup. But now
I'm keeping it.

All $1,312.

Plus change.
Wait a minute.

Now that you mention it,
that is a whole lot of money.

And we never
would have found it at all

except for the fact
that I can't dribble,
remember?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Aw, come on.
We're partners, right?

Arnold! Arnold!

Hey, Arnold!
(CRIES)

(MUSIC PLAYING
IN ICE CREAM VAN)

I'm so hungry!

I'm starving!
(GRUNTS)

Stupid shrub!
Harold, no!

Leave that poor shrub alone.

Kicking it is not going
to help you get food.

Think about it.
Stop it. What do
you think you're doing?

You must have
a low intelligence level.

I'm assigning you
to plant new shrubbery

all around the school grounds
for the next month.

(GROANS)
Principal Wartz!

Ms. Lloyd, look what
you've done. You've committed
a criminal act

by flagrantly painting
without any regard to decency
let alone common sense.

Ms. Lloyd, you are
a disgrace and a
monumental disappointment.

It's only a little spot!

I hereby assign you
to mop and bucket duty
for the next two weeks.

(SOBS)
Principal Wartz,

I've watched you overreact

and yell at
several students today

who should've been treated
with much more respect...

Are you lecturing me?

You have no idea
what it is to be principal.

It's a battle out there.

When someone
steps out of bounds,

you have to be quick,
decisive and harsh.

Feelings and fairness
cannot come into play.

But...
But nothing. Get back
to your class.

(STUDENTS SCREAMING)

Quiet. Settle down right now.

It is my honor to welcome
Superintendent Chaplin
to our school for a visit.

I think it would
be appropriate

to commence in singing
our school spirit song.

♪ Fabled halls of education

♪ Hail to orange and green

(GROANS)
This sucks.
I hate this song.

♪...regulations
P.S. 118
(ALL CHATTERING)

You must all sing
with dedication
and reverence right now.

Start over.

♪ Fabled halls of education

♪ Hail to orange and green

Come on, everybody.

♪ Cherish rules and regulations

♪ P.S. 118 ♪
(LAUGHING)

Sid, save your horseplay
for recess.

You, young man.
Yes, with the nose.

You are a reprehensible
wrong-doer and a bad
wicked-minded animal.

Your paper
airplane could've...
See,

there he goes again.

Just like I told you.

I'll have a talk with him.
I'm sure he'll understand.

What do you mean my
"unfair punishments
and continued outbursts"?

Let's calm down, Principal.

I, I just want you
to be fair and level-headed.

But what I've seen
and been told about,

well, I'm very concerned.

And Mr. Simmons here
is also very concerned.

Oh, so this is some kind
of planned inquisition.

"We'll corner Wartz,
and tell him he's crazy,
and doing a lousy job."

No, that's not the case.

I take this as
a full-frontal att*ck.

So, Mr. Tattletale Simmons,
you think you can do
a better job than I can?

No, that never
crossed my mind.

I hear you loud and clear.
Loud and clear, gentlemen.

Students, teachers,
I have a very important
announcement.

It has been brought
to my attention

by our Superintendent
and a certain Mr. Simmons

that I'm not running
the school in
an appropriate manner.

They don't need Wartz,
they say. Well, you may
think you don't need Wartz,

but let me assure you,
you do need Wartz.

But Wartz has decided
that right now,

you don't get Wartz.
So I'm here to announce

that you won't have
Principal Wartz
to kick around anymore.

I resign, quit,

abdicate my principal duties
effective immediately.

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

Principal Wartz,
can't we talk?

So, Mr. Simmons, I guess
we're going to be
needing a new principal.

Want the job?
Me?

Principal?
Oh, no, I couldn't.

Well, I don't see why not.
You're teacher of the year,

you're sensitive, organized,
the kids like you.

I think you'd make
a great principal.

Principal!

Since we have no more rules
or boundaries at school,

I'm learning twice
as much as before.

Any volunteers?

ALL: Yeah. Me!

Me! Me!

Even though I'm now
Principal Simmons, you should
still call me Mr. Simmons.

I'm still the same old me.

But I do have some big plans
to make our school even more
special than it already is.

Okay, my first plan is to have
a different student each week
serve as Principal's Helper.

I want you, the students,
to be more involved.

Are there any volunteers
to help me this week?

Hey, cut it out.
Arnold. Thank you
for volunteering.

Now, I know
you're all wondering

what amazing plans
I have up my sleeve

to better our beloved school.
Like what?

Well, Harold, every day
will be volunteer
homework day.

You'll be on the honor system.
(SCREAMS) Honor system!

Yeah!
Yes. And good news
in the cafeteria.

Free tasty shakes
will now be served.

And most importantly,
I'm open to any
and all suggestions.

It's our school.
Let's run it together.

I'm sincere when I say
I intend to put the "pal"

back in Princi-pal.

(ALL CHEERING)

(BELLS JINGLE)

(GROANS)

(ALARM BLARING)

(SIGHS) Can't remember
the last time I woke up
at noon.

Boy, oh, boy.
I'm free and clear. No
responsibilities, no meetings,

no headaches.
Nothing but fun, fun, fun.

I'm gonna love
not being principal.

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

Remember, only
three suggestions per student.

Otherwise,
we'll be here
all day.

(LAUGHS)
Missed another class.

So better
and longer assemblies.

Like pro-wrestling
or some carnival freak show.

An on-call manicure
and pedicure expert
would be nice.

I want a carton
of chocolate milk
on my desk in the morning,

a full carton.

And softer and thicker
toilet paper in the boys' room
for my tushy.

Open mic night tonight. Hmm.

♪ Fun non-violent demonstrations

♪ We're all heard and seen

♪ Open lines of communication

♪ P.S. 1...♪

Ow! Now that's not right.

(ALL CHATTERING)
...talk about

why you felt motivated
to throw those song sheets

Please, please.
Talking about things helps.

Mr. Simmons, are you okay?

I'm fine, Arnold.

I, um... Actually,
I'm pretty concerned.

Our school seems
to be getting
out of control

Well, I wouldn't say
it's out of control.

(LAUGHING)

Well, maybe you should
try setting some boundaries?

Boundaries.
More boundaries? Hmm.

(GROANS)
(LAUGHS) Gotcha.

Okay, that was
a terrible thing
you did to Eugene.

I need you to march
right back to him
and apologize right now.

Uh... No!

(MUSIC PLAYS)

♪ Once we were a team,
we worked side by side,

♪ You were my dedication
and my single source of pride

♪ Then you kicked me on my can
tossed me out into the cold

♪ Did you think that I'd fold?
Well, I won't because I'm bold

♪ I will prevail
I will not fail

♪ You may have thrown me
out the door but I won't cry
or weep or wail

♪ Oh, I'll weather
this storm too
As I keep on smiling through

♪ And while I'm turning blue
I'll simply
send my thanks to you...

♪ I will prevail
Right through the scale

♪ Right through wind
and snow and ice and rain
and sleet and fog and hail

♪ I will prevail
I will prevail

♪ I will prevaaaa...

♪ ...aaaail ♪

(ALL CHEER)

My public, thank you.

♪ In our hearts
and minds forever

♪ P.S. 118 ♪

(ALL SCREAMING)

Please, friends,
please calm down...
Come into school.

(GRUNTS)

Today's another
special day in the life
of P.S. 118.

(DOGS BARK)
(GOAT BLEATS)

(MONKEY CALLING)

No boundaries,
no one's in charge...

It's very special!

(GASPS, SIGHS)

(LAUGHS)
(GASPS)

(COUGHS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Oh, Arnold, it's you.
(WHISPERS) All right, come in.
Lock the door behind you.

Why are you under your desk?

Oh, Arnold, it's just...

I feel like all my grand plans
have backfired. I've caused
so much chaos,

like, I wanted everyone
to be happy,

and feel like they
were a part of how
the school was run.

It's a really, really
hard job being principal.

MR. SIMMONS: I feel
bad for Principal Wartz.
I took away his job.

I just wish I could
go back to being a teacher

and he could
go back to being
a principal.

Why don't you
ask him to come back?

Oh, no, no, no.
He can never come back.

I can't imagine
he likes me that much.

I'm the reason
he left in the first place.

Well, you've got two choices.

You can go ask him or you can
stay under this desk
for the rest of your life.

Mr. Simmons?

I'm thinking. I'm thinking.

I've told you several times.
No more lip.

Pick up your books and get
to class. I heard
that snickering.

Don't think you can
pull a fast one on me.
(DOOR BELL RINGS)

Principal Wartz?
Yes, what is it?

Uh, well, let me
get right to the point.

Our school has not been
the same without you.

P.S. 118 needs you back.

Excuse me a moment.

They want me back!
They want me back!

They want me back!
(WHOOPING)

Please come in.

Principal Wartz, I realized
over the past two weeks

that I am, frankly,
not principal material.

Not everyone is, Mr. Simmons.
It's a rare find.

We really want you back.

Boy, I never realized how much
pressure you were under until
I tried to do the job myself.

Now you know what it's like,
day after day,
unruly students,

the curriculum changes,
the teacher complaints.

Sometimes, it can get you
so worked up you just
(INHALES DEEPLY) You just...

You just overreact a little?

Fair enough, Mr. Simmons.

I'll admit I
did overreact.

I mean no principal should
ever call a small child
a wicked-minded animal.

Even if it's true.

I, I suppose I should've
thanked you for pointing out
my harshness

instead of flying off
the handle like that.

Well, I'm willing to make
a fresh start if you're
willing to come back.

I'll have to think long
and hard about it.

I've got some
soul searching to do.

Well, my soul is
thoroughly searched,
gentlemen.

Last one back to school
is a rotten egg.

Hey, there. Hello. Hi.

You, stop dripping
milk on the floor.

Son, please, sit up straight.
Hey, no spitball,
young lady.

(LAUGHING)
I got him!

What in blue blazes
do you think you're doing,
you moronic Neanderthal?

That is, I mean, uh...
Please refrain from flicking
those all over the place, son.

And kindly clean up
that area right away.

Yes, sir.

♪ I will prevail
Sing it!

♪ I will prevail
Yeah!

♪ You may have thrown me
out the door but I won't
cry or weep or wail

♪ Oh, we'll weather
this storm too, yes

♪ We'll keep on
smiling through

♪ And while I'm turning blue
I'll simply
send my thanks to you...

♪ I'll bet you!

♪ I will prevail
♪ You will prevail

♪ Right through this gale
♪ This windy gale

BOTH: ♪ Right through the
wind and snow and ice and rain
and sleet and fog and hail

♪ I will prevail
♪ You will prevail

♪ I will prevail
♪ You will prevail

BOTH:
♪ We will prevail

♪ Ah... Ah... Ah... ♪

(END THEME MUSIC PLAYING)