05x07 - Helga's Locket/Sid and Germs

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Arnold!

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.

Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

JEWELER: Here's your newly
inscribed locket, Ms. Pataki.

"Arnold, my soul.

"You're always
in my heart.

"Love, Helga G. Pataki."
Oh!

And remember, if you so much
as speak a word about
this locket to anyone,

you'll be wearing
your tongue
for a necktie.

Uh, that'll be $19...

95.

Arnold, my soul.

You are always
in my heart.

Love, Helga G. Pataki.

Ew, out of my way,
you filthy pig.

(SNIFFING)

Arnold!

Oh, dear sweet Arnold.

Fortuna has blessed me
with this chance

to hold your likeness
in my hand,

while I spy at
your actual,
beautiful face.

You're so close,
and yet so far,

fate is so...

(GASPS)

(SQUEALING)

What an interesting
specimen.

Talking about me
again, Pookie?

Oh, you remembered!

Yup. Remembered what?

Our anniversary,
you silly goose.

Oh yes, that.

Oh, what
a beautiful picture

of our grandson.

Well, I'm off to
raise the Titanic.

This is the most
wonderful gift.

Oh, Arnold,
you look so handsome.

What?
Oh, Arnold.

Look what your grandma
gave me for
our anniversary.

A picture of me?

Sure is, I love it.

It celebrates my deep
affection for you,
my favorite grandson.

But this clasp here
sure is bedeviling.

Grandpa, I bet Grandma
meant to put

a picture of herself
in the locket.

Don't you think?

Well, I guess
that would make sense.

But then again,
your grandma has,
shall we say,

her own way
of doing things.

Anyway, I love
having your picture
around my neck,

and one day I even
hope to open this
darn clasp here.

MAN: I don't know
nothing about that.

Yoo-hoo, fellas!
Look what I have!

A great new locket

with Arnold's picture
in it!
(SIGHS) Grandpa!

If he opens that locket,

he'll see the inscription
and then tell Arnold!

No, I can't even
think about it!

I have to get
that locket back!

Now, I know this opens
somehow!

What the
Helen of Troy is that?

(GROANS)

Oh, ho! It's only
you, Abner.

Oh, you bottom-feeding
little imp!

(CHUCKLES)
Never a dull moment, Arnold.

Never a dull moment.

(SIGHS)
Okay, that didn't work.

But I can't give up!

I must get that locket!

(SQUEALING)
Oh, no!

Come on, Arnold.
Let's go outside
and get some fresh air.

Hey, Mr. Green.

Look what I have!

A beautiful locket
with Arnold's
picture in it.

Yoo-hoo! Mrs. Vitello.

Look!

He's so handsome in it.

Arnold locket,
over here!

What, no takers?

Okay, then, Arnold.

I'll sit here
and read you
the headlines,

from the National Inspirer.

Hmm. Let's see.

This magnet will
attract the locket,

I'll pull it off
the old man's neck,

and he'll never
even know what happened.
(CHUCKLES)

"Two-foot baby
born with three-foot beard."

Ooh, look,
there's pictures!

Bingo!

Well, what do you
know, Elvis...

(CHOKING)

Ow!

(SQUEALS)
Yuck!

Okay, the magnet
didn't work.

I must get
that locket back.

What the heck was
that all about?

(SQUEALING)

Oh, to be young,
pink and in a hurry.

Grandpa, do you have
to tell everyone
all that stuff?

What stuff?
About the locket.

I really think
you have the wrong picture.

Oh, I don't think so.

Seriously, Grandpa.

If you saw the locket
with Grandma's picture in it,

I bet you'd like it
much better.

But I love
my Arnold locket.

Oh, I plan on
wearing it 24/7.

"24/7"? What's that mean?

Twenty-four hours, seven days
a week.

Yeesh! You're behind
the times.

I have to get that locket
from him and put
Grandma's picture in it.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(MUMBLING)

Good! The old prune
is out like a light.

Now all I gotta do is
sneak over, take the locket,

I'm home-free.
(GASPS)

(WHISPERS)
Arnold!

(SNORING)

(MUMBLING)
Side of fries...

(MUMBLES)

Keep 'em coming.

HELGA: This is a nightmare!

Now I have to go
steal the locket
from Arnold!

Why won't it open?

I'll go downstairs
and get some pliers.

Grr!

Hmm, where's
that locket?

I bet it's around
here somewhere.

Ooh, look, a dollar!
(CHUCKLES)

Ow!

Oh, there you are, you!

(KISSES)
Come here,

you dear sweet locket.
Oh, welcome back.

Say, let's go celebrate.

(MUFFLED SHRIEKS)

What the...

Grandpa.

Guess he really
wanted that locket back.

Hey, where's my dollar?

This is a double
freaking nightmare!

Okay, calm down.
Just gotta come up
with a plan.

Something that's
brilliant and foolproof.

Good day.
My name is Bernard Flatts.

I'm a rich antique
art collector,

and I'm looking to rent
a room in a boardinghouse
in this neighborhood.

Oh, boardinghouse, huh?
Boardinghouse...

Well, there's one
on the next block,

it's very nice,
and I know of another
one around the corner...

Hey, wait a minute.

This is a boardinghouse

in this neighborhood!

Come on in,
my name's Phil.

Can I offer you
a loosemeat sandwich?

No, no.
No, thank you.

Say, that's a quite
nice locket you have.

What, this?
Oh, why, thank you.

Oh, I'm very, very
fond of it, you know.

Uh, a locket like that
could be worth
a nice pile of money.

(GASPS) Really?

Oh, yes. Thousands
and thousands.

A locket with my
wonderful grandson
Arnold's picture on it

worth thousands
of dollars?

Oh, I'm over the moon!

Would you mind
if I had a closer look?

Well, no,
I don't see why not.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You're a real expert,
right?

Oh, yes, definitely.

I'm definitely
an expert.

What the heck
was that?

I'll ask the questions
around here.

Ahem. May I please
just see the locket?

Well, uh, okay.

Could you... I...

So, is it worth thousands?
Is it priceless?

Am I rich?
What do you think?

Uh, I think...

I'm outta here!
(LAUGHS)

So long, sucker!
Why, you!

Ow!

Ho-ho, got ya!

You two-timing,
swindling thief,

imposter of a charlatan!

That locket's just
a cheap piece of junk!

It's worth nothing.

Oh, yeah?
Well, so are you!

And you forgot
your mustache!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Okay, so maybe that's it.

Maybe I'll never
get the locket back.

It's not that bad.
I can live without it.

So my deep, dark
secret is revealed

and my life is
an open book

and my love for Arnold
becomes public knowledge,

and I'm ridiculed,
mocked, taunted
and jeered at.

What's so bad about that?

I can live without it.

What was I thinking?

Live without it,
that's crazy talk!

I have got to get
that locket back now!

ARNOLD: Grandpa,

I don't like you
wearing that locket.

It's embarrassing
and weird.

Interesting, but how
do you really feel?

I really think
Grandma's picture should
be in the locket instead.

All right, Arnold,
if it really bugs you
that much,

I'll make a deal with you.

I'll wear Grandma's picture
in the locket for one day,

and we'll see
how it goes. Deal?

Deal.

Oh, damn it, this
stupid clasp...

I'm gonna open this
if it's the last thing I do.

Arnold, we're going
to the basement.

It's time to apply
the major hardware.

(GASPS)

Well, let's get
started, Arnold.

Pliers, hand saw,
t-square,

compass, soda...

Sander, router, phaser,

sandwich...

Yeah, that's it.

Well, short man,
the wall's empty.

ARNOLD: What about that one?

Oh, that?
That's my grandpa's
shishka-bob stick.

No one's touched that
since his last barbecue,

July 16, 1926.

I have a feeling
that's exactly
what we need.

A barbecue?
No. The shishka-bob
stick.

Okay, I'll hold
the locket

and you try
to pry it open.

GRANDPA: We did it!

Ahh! I'm blind!

ARNOLD: Grandpa,
the lights went out.

GRANDPA: Ah!
The lights went out.

And I'm blind!

ARNOLD: I'll find
the circuit breaker.

GRANDPA: Yes, Arnold,
be my eye.

Oh, ho-ho!
I can see again!

It's a miracle.

Hey, wait.
Where the heck's
my locket?

Arnold, did you take it?
No.

Well, we're the only
two down here.

I know, maybe
Abner took it.

Maybe, but do you think
Abner could also
turn off the lights?

Yes, yes I do.

Come on, Grandpa.

Yeah, you're right.
That stupid pig's smart,

but probably not
that smart.

Must be around
here somewhere.

Maybe I dropped it.

Or someone took it!

Grandpa, who would
care so much about it

that they'd come up
with a plan to steal it?

Probably someone
who's nuts.

(SIGHS) Well, I guess
it's lost forever.

I got an idea, Grandpa.

Why don't I make you
another locket?

I could put
Grandma's picture in it.

GRANDPA: Well, okay.

But instead of your grandma,
could it be a picture
of Hedy Lamarr?

Sure.
No, wait.

How about
a picture of a big
roast beef sandwich?

No, wait!

A picture of Hedy Lamarr
eating a roast beef
sandwich!

ARNOLD: Grandpa.

At last!

I've got it!

My nightmare
is over!

Oh, my sweet boy!

I'm so glad you're back!

Never again will
I allowest you
out of my grasp!

(GASPS)

Come back here,
you filthy pig!

Come back! Come back!

(SQUEALS)

(FROGS CROAKING)

Nice catch, Sid.

I just love watching
Sid practice up

for the annual
frog-catching contest.

We're all gonna be
on the same team
again, right?

Sure, that's how
we won the last
two years in a row.

(SIGHS) I reckon
them glory days
are over, fellas.

Stinky, what are you
talking about?

I heard Wolfgang
and Edmund

are entering
the contest this year.

They're gonna clean
our clocks.

No bout a doubt it.

But we've got Sid.
He's the champion
frog-catcher

of P.S. 118.

Thanks, Arnold.
It's true,

I am the frog-catching king.

I just can't get
enough of it!

The frogs, the mud,
the slimy green water.

I love it all!
The slimier, the better.

Plus, who else can
catch a frog
in their mouth?

Isn't that right,
Sidney?

Sidney, up.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
I never kissed a frog.

On account of
it seems kinda nasty.

Are you kidding?
Frogs are the coolest.

And Sidney's the first
frog I ever caught.

We've been pals
a long time.
Right, Sidney?

Muah.

That's what
I call dedication.

See, Stinky?
We've got nothing
to worry about.

We're gonna win
that contest again
this year.

MR. SIMMONS: Boys and girls,
I know you'll be disappointed,

but today, instead of
my usual science lecture,

we're going to see
a movie instead.

ALL: Yay!

Uh, yay. (CLEARS THROAT)
Lights!

It's called
Hygiene Keeps
You Healthy.

(ALL GROANING)

From the looks
of this creature,
you may think

it would be found
somewhere under a rock,

or in a swamp.
But no.

It is a germ, and it
lives all around you.

(COUGHING)

Why, our own bodies
are a b*ttlefield

in a constant state
of germ warfare.

And the bacteria battle
doesn't stop there.

The world around us
is also brimming with germs,

and inhabited by
germ-ridden creatures
who carry disease.

Germs.

Germs are everywhere.

Insidiously breeding.

In your home.

In your school.

On desktops
and doorknobs.

(FROGS CROAKING)

Listen, fishbait.

We're gonna win
the frog-catching
contest this year.

Yeah, and there's nothing
you and your friends
can do about it.

You guys don't scare us.
We have Sid on our team.

Yeah, he's the frog-catching
king.

Ooh, the king.
(SCOFFS)

I'll believe it when I see it.
It's true. He's the champ.

Ain't nobody enjoys
wallowing in the mud
and slime as much as Sid.

ANNOUNCER: Germs
are everywhere.

Insidious and breeding.

In your home,
in your school,

on desktops
and doorknobs!

(SCREAMS)
Oh!

Oh, I'm so very
sorry, Sid.

Sid, was
the door stuck?

Yeah, kinda.

Now, class, let's all
take out our art supplies,

we're going to do
our own self-portraits.

What the heck
are you doing?

It's disinfectant.

I got it from
the janitor's closet.

Kids borrow my brushes
all the time.

Who knows what kind
of germs are sitting
in the box,

just waiting for
the chance to breed
and multiply?

Yeesh! What a donut hole.

Oh!

SID: No!

Hey! What did you
do that for?

I saved your life.
That sandwich was
crawling with germs!

I oughta make you
eat a fist sandwich!

Trust me, Harold.
I know what
I'm talking about.

It's better to stick
with safe snacks

like these potato chips.

Vacuum packed
and hermetically sealed!

See? Never been touched
by human hands.

(LAUGHS)

Now they're all mine!

Unless you
want them back!

No, get them
away from me!

Sid, what about
your lunch?

SID: Forget it, Arnold.
I've lost my appetite.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(KIDS CHEERING)

(GROANS)

Oh!

That's two out,
and one to go.

You're up, Sid.

Come on, buddy,
hit me home!

Oh, look,
it's germ-boy!

(COUGHS)

All yours, Sid!
Germs... Germs...

Watch out for
the pile of germs
behind you!

(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHS)

Let's go, Sid,
you're holding up
the game!

I'm out of the game.
I can't take it.

Sid, where are you going?

Somewhere free of evil,
crawling, disgusting germs!

(SHRIEKS)

Man, that is
one sick little monkey.

This does not bode well
for our frog-catching
team, Arnold.

Maybe he just needs
a good night's sleep.

(SCRUBBING)

Ah! Oh, no.
Morning already.

Time to go to school.
I'll never be able to
clean the whole classroom.

I gotta find a way
to protect myself
from all those germs.

Sid, are you okay?

Of course I'm okay.
I'm totally safe.

I'm wearing
my germ suit.

I can't keep
Sidney anymore.

He's too germy.

You take him.
But he's your pet.

That was in the old days,
Arnold. Before I knew
any better.

Sid, I hate
to say this,

but you're acting
kind of crazy.

I mean, you're letting
your phobia about germs
ruin your life.

No I'm not.
I have a better life now.

It's germ-free
and hermetically sealed.
(BELL RINGS)

(GASPING)

This should be good.

Sid, I'm thrilled you've
taken a special interest
in hygiene.

Thank for noticing!
However, at recess,

I think you and I
should go have
a talk with the nurse.

Good idea! I bet
she's got some
great disinfectants.

Uh...

Well, there goes
your theory about
Sid sleeping it off.

I'm really worried
about him, Gerald.

GERALD:
Tell me about it!

Man, we gotta
do something fast,

or we're gonna lose
our frog-catching king
for sure!

Sid, take off the suit!

You can't even sit down!

Sorry, Arnold.
No can do.

I promise. Nothing bad
will happen to you.

Yes, and everything
will be just like before.

You'll see.

Achoo!

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS)

Leave me alone!
You're all a bunch of
disease-carrying,

germ-ridden animals!

MR. SIMMONS: Sid, wait!
(DOOR SLAMS)

Ah! Who is it?

It's Arnold.
I brought your homework.

Sorry, Arnold.
You can't come in here.

I can't expose myself
to any more germs.

Okay, then. I'll just
slip it under the door.

No, no!
It's not safe!

It's crawling with germs!
You got to seal it
in a baggie first.

It's just a harmless
piece of paper, Sid.

There's no reason
to be afraid of it.

I mean,
if you're this scared
of a piece of paper,

how are you ever
gonna catch any frogs
in the contest tomorrow?

Sid, you're coming
tomorrow, right?

No way! It gives me
the willies just
thinking about it.

But you love
catching frogs!

I used to love
catching frogs, Arnold,
but not anymore.

You're letting this
crazy fear of germs
stop you from being you.

The Sid I know
isn't afraid of everything.

He loves playing
in the mud,

and he's the champion
frog-catcher of P.S. 118.

Where's that Sid?

He's gone.
He's never coming back.

The world is
full of germs.

You just have to
accept it.

You think
I like knowing about
things like bed bugs?

(SCREAMS)

All the germs
that live in the air ducts?

Millions of germs
are pouring into
your room every second.

(SCREAMS)

The world
is full of germs, Sid.

You can't get rid
of all of 'em.

You have to stop
worrying about 'em,

or you'll end up
all alone,

curled up in a little ball
with nothing but germs
in your life.

Anyway, I really hope
you make it to
the contest tomorrow.

It wouldn't be
the same without you.

(CROAKS)

(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)

Ah!

Let me out! (SCREAMS)

(PANTING)
Let me out!

Sidney! Sidney, help me!

(CROAKS)

(GERMS GIGGLING)

Sweep all you want, Sid.

The germs are now
your masters.

You only live
to serve them.

Sweep, dust, clean.

Sweep, dust, clean.

ALL: Sweep, dust, clean.

Sweep, dust, clean.

Sweep, dust, clean.

(LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING)

Yeah!

Hey! Hey, guys!

Guys, help!
I'm trapped in here!

Ah!

No!

(SHRIEKS)

(PANTING) Wow, talk about
a crazy dream.

(CROAKING)

Sidney?

(CROAKS)

Sidney!

Muah!

Sidney, oh, wonderful
germy Sidney!

(CRYING)
I'm back!

So, football face,

where's your champion
frog-catcher I heard
so much about?

Yeah, where's the
world-famous celebrity
frog-catching king

of P.S. 118?

Shut up!
I just asked that question.

I'm a curious, interested
person too, Wolfgang.

Gah!
Oh!

Oh, he'll be here.
But I don't know, Arnold.

I don't think we have
a snowball's chance in...

SHEENA: Teams, it's time
to begin!

Please take your
places in the lake.

Get ready
to suck mud, loser.

(YELLING)

I am Sid! The king
of all frog-catchers!

And I'm back!

(ALL CHEERING)

Remember, don't harm
any frogs!

Start catching!

He's faster than
you, Wolfgang.

He makes you look
like a little baby girl.

Shut up!

Now we're cooking
with gas, fellas.

Yeah! Go, Sid!

(w*r CRY)
ALL: Sid! Sid!

(CRIES OUT)

I still don't
get it, Sid.

One day,
you're vacuum packed
and hermetically sealed,

the next day,
you're french-kissing
a frog.

Yeah, well,
I thought about it, Stinky.

And I figured it's better
to live with germs,

instead of giving up
all the things I love.

Like Sidney.

I don't know
about you, fellas,

but I still say
it looks kinda nasty!

It's not nasty, Stinky,
it's natural.

Germs are a part
of our lives.

They're in our hair,
on our clothes,
on our skin.

They're everywhere.

You can't get
away from them.
(SCREAMS)

Let 'em in.
Embrace 'em.

(HELGA SCREAMING)

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(SPLASHING)

SID: What's bugging her?

(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)