05x13 - Harold vs. Patty/Rich Guy

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.

Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

That was the best one yet!

Willikers, Harold,
I reckon you b*at everyone
in the whole dang school.

You're the champion
arm wrestler of P.S. 118.

The king.
That's right!

I am the king!
(LAUGHS)

I suppose now
you'll be signing up

for the Citywide
Arm-Wrestling Tournament.

Yeah, why not?

Hello, Harold.

Oh, uh, hey, Patty.

What's all
the excitement?

Well, it kind of, looks like
I'm gonna be entering

the Citywide
Arm-Wrestling
Tournament.

You mean
the one next Saturday?

Yep, that's the one.

(LAUGHS)

What's so funny?
Nothing.

It's just that, well,
I'm thinking of entering, too.

Well, I'll be danged.

An arm-wrestling curveball.

Why don't you wrestle
each other right now?

(CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

Sure, why not? Heck,
I could use the practice.

On three.

One, two, three!

(ALL GASPING)

Harold got b*at.

STINKY: By Big Patty.

SID: And she's a girl.
STINKY: What a wuss.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Harold, wait.

Ow!
Sorry, Harold.

I didn't see you
under there.

That's 'cause I didn't want
you to see me, Arnold.

I'm hiding.
From whom?

From Sid and Stinky,
and everybody else

who saw that stupid jerk Patty
b*at me at arm wrestling.

What are you
talking about, Harold?

Patty's not a jerk,
she's your friend.

She was my friend, Arnold,
until she b*at me.

So, what if she b*at you?
What's the big deal?

I'll tell you
what the big deal is, Arnold.

An hour ago,
I was arm-wrestling king.

And now?
Now, I'm just a big wuss,

that everybody's making fun of
'cause I lost to a girl!

That's completely ridiculous.

I mean,
who cares if Patty's a girl?

She's a really good
arm wrestler.

Just tell Sid and Stinky
to stop acting dumb.

You're not listening, Arnold!

Those guys are never
gonna let me live this down.

Not unless I b*at Patty!

Hey, Harold,
what are you doing down there?

Hiding from Big Patty?

You're afraid
the girl's gonna find ya,

and b*at you up again?

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
(BOTH LAUGHING)

See? I told you, Arnold!

(WAILING)

What am I gonna do?

Well, if that's important
to you to b*at her,

I guess you could
just practice and work harder.

"Practice"?
What are you talking about?

(SQUEALING)

Yeah!

HAROLD: Thanks
for all your help, Arnold.

I'm ready to go back to school
and b*at Patty.

We've only been training
for one day.

I thought you were gonna work
really hard all week,

then try to b*at Patty
on Saturday.

Why should I wait
for Saturday,

when I can b*at Patty tomorrow
in front of everybody,

and show for once for all

that I'm the king.

Hello, Patty.

Hello, Harold.

I called you
three times yesterday.
You never called me back.

That's 'cause I was
busy practicing arm wrestling.

Well, speaking
of arm wrestling,

the reason I called
is because I wanted
to apologize.

You know, for the other day.

I didn't mean
to embarrass you.

You didn't
embarrass me, Patty!

Ha! That's a good one.

As a matter of fact,

just to show you
there's no hard feelings,

how about we have
a friendly rematch right now?

A rematch? Are you sure
that's a good idea, Harold?

Sure, I'm sure. I mean, unless
you're scared or something?

"Scared"?
Scared that I might b*at you

and make you cry
and humiliate you
in front of everybody.

I doubt that's gonna
happen, Harold.

Well, we'll just see
about that.

Fine.
On three, then.

One, two.

Three.

Harold got b*at by a girl!
(LAUGHS)

Again!

He got whooped
by Big Patty twice.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I think he is a girl!

(ALL LAUGHING)

(DOOR SLAMS)

Hey, Harold,
what are you doing in here?

This bathroom's for boys.

Yeah, shouldn't you be
in the girls' room?

On account of
you're a girl.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Shut up!

Shut up or I'll pound ya!

You can pound us all you want,

but that girl, Patty,
can still pound you
at arm wrestling.

That's right.

(WAILS)

Hey, what's this?

I reckon
it's a lipstick.

(CHUCKLING)
I bet it's Harold's.

Right, on account
of he's a girl and all.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Please, Patty, please!

You just gotta help me!

You... You gotta let me
arm wrestle you in public
and b*at you.

Otherwise...

Otherwise, I'll be
the laughingstock of P.S. 118
forever and ever and ever!

I'm not gonna let you b*at me
at arm wrestling, Harold.

How about thumb wrestling?

I don't think so.
Oh, come on!

Patty, you gotta do this
for me 'cause we're friends.

And, if you don't,

Sid and Stinky
will never leave me alone!

They'll keep bugging me
and calling me names,

and giving me lipstick!

And my life will be over!
(WAILING)

Harold, get off the ground,

and stop crying,
it's pathetic.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Look, Harold, if you really
want me to help you,
then I guess I will.

But, not by letting you win.

I'll help you
by showing my techniques.

And then, if you're lucky,
you just might learn
a thing or two.

And maybe you'll even
be able to b*at me
in the tournament.

Oh! Thank you!
Thank you, Patty!

Thank you!
You're the greatest!

You're the best friend
a guy ever had!

Please, calm down, Harold.

Okay, let's start
from the beginning.

The three most important
things you need to know

to be a good arm wrestler are,

posture, balance
and concentration.

Now, walk with these
on your head.

No problem.

Ow!

(THUDS)

So, alls I gotta do is
sit here and think?

And, it'll somehow
make me a better arm wrestler?

Yep.
Sounds easy enough.

(CLOTH RIPPING)

I'll be right back, Patty.

(LAUGHING)

I don't like this, Patty.
It's scaring me!

Just look straight ahead
and you'll be fine.

And remember, balance.

(SCREAMING)

One Mississippi,

two Mississippi...

PATTY: Om...

Om...

Om...

PATTY: Om...

Om...

Okay, here I come.

Any second now.

Hey-hey! All right!

BOTH: Om...

Om...

(LAUGHING) I did it!
I actually did it!

Thanks for
all your help, Patty.

I'm not sure
what it was all about,

but I sure
had fun doing it.

Anyways, now that I've learned
all your techniques,

I can b*at you tomorrow
at the tournament.

And then, I won't have
to be embarrassed

about losing
to a girl anymore.

What do you mean,
"Embarrassed about
losing to a girl"?

Well, you know,
'cause boys should
b*at girls at this stuff.

Why?
'Cause boys are tougher,
and stronger and sweatier.

Harold, haven't you
learned anything over
the last couple of days?

Of course, I did!

I learned how to balance
books on my head,

and how to walk on a log.

No, I mean haven't you
learned anything important?

Those are important!

Harold, you shouldn't be
embarrassed about losing
to a girl.

Especially, one who's better
at something and works
harder than you do.

I shouldn't?

No. You should only be
embarrassed at yourself

for acting so dumb,
and for being a crummy friend.

Patty, wait!
Just think about it, Harold.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it is my pleasure
to welcome you all

to the tenth annual Citywide
Arm-Wrestling Tournament.

I wonder if Harold's
gonna show up.

I reckon he wouldn't dare,
on account it would be
too dang humiliating.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Hey, look, there he is.

There's Harold.

Hey, Harold, you ready
to get whooped again?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Today's competition
will be a three-round
single elimination tournament.

Round one will begin
at the sound of the whistle.

On your mark, get set...

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(BUZZER SOUNDS)
(CROWD CHEERING)

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

Yeah!

(INAUDIBLE)

It is now time
for our final round.

Harold Berman
versus Patty Smith.

The winner will be this year's
Citywide Champeen!

I guess this is it.

Yep.
Well, good luck, Patty.

And may the best man,
or girl, win.

Do you mean that, Harold?
Uh-huh.

I was thinking
about what you said,

and, well, you're right.

It doesn't matter
if I lose to a girl.

Especially, as good
a arm wrestler,

and as good a friend
as you, Patty.

Thanks, Harold.
No problem.

Now, look out,
'cause I'm gonna
give you my best game.

I look forward to it, Harold.

Okay then, here we go!
On three.

One, two,

three!

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(STRAINING)

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

Congratulations to
this year's Citywide
Arm-Wrestling Champeen,

Patty Smith!

Good job, Patty.

SID: Harold lost to Big Patty!
(LAUGHING)

Harold got b*at by a girl.

So, what if I lost to a girl?

Patty's the best arm wrestler
in the whole city,

and she's my friend!

I'm proud to lose to her.

And, if anyone has
a problem with that,

I'll pound them!

BOTH: Ow!

Come on, Patty,

what do you say
you and me get out of here?

Maybe we can go see
that Shy Stallion movie.

I'd like that, Harold.

Ah! Stick them!

Rip his eyes out
and skate over them!

Check him
till he cries like a baby!

Grandpa.
What? It's hockey.

(CRYING)

(CROWD GASPING)

Are you okay, short man?

Yeah, I think so.

Son, you saved me!
How can I ever thank you?

That puck was coming
right at my face,
but you stopped it.

I just put my hand up.

But you knocked it down
and saved me.

Thank you, so much.
You're welcome.

He's my grandson, Arnold,
and I'm Phil.

Well, you should be
very proud, Phil.

Great to meet you.
I'm Sammy Redman.

Well...

Sammy Redman?

You mean,
the eccentric billionaire

who owns
an entertainment monolith

that includes newspapers,
TV, movie studios
and sport franchises?

That's me.
Now, how can I ever repay you?

Oh, just a big sack of money
is all.

Grandpa.

(LAUGHING)
I got a million-dollar idea.

I'm taking you out
for an expensive,
extravagant thank-you dinner.

SAMMY:
So, what else do you study
in the fourth grade?

Well, geography...
Maps! I love maps.

Who doesn't like a good map?

Or a good nap?
(ALL LAUGHING)

Phil... Phil, you're a card
an absolute
million-dollar card.

So, geography,
and earlier you said
you like math and science.

I loved science
when I was your age.

I couldn't get enough
of science.

Test tubes, beakers,
gravity, science!

You're well-rounded, Arnold.

Hey, do you like sports?

I love sports.

Of course!
You were at the hockey game.

You probably saved my life.
Thanks, again.

So, of course,
you like sports.

Let me tell you,
I love all sports.

I eat, drink and sleep
all sports.

I like some other stuff too,
don't get me wrong.

I see you like baked potatoes.
You ate three of them.

Don't think that got past me.

(LAUGHING)
You got my number, Phil.

I love the potato.

Baked, boiled or mashed,
I'll take a potato anytime.

Come on, eat more. Come on!
Look at all this food.

(BURPS)
I think I'm full up.

(LAUGHS)

(BURPS)

Put that in your pipe
and smoke it.

(SAMMY AND GRANDPA LAUGH)

Burp, Arnold.
You're among friends.

I don't think I can.

That's fine, I respect that.
You're a gentleman.

Arnold, I like you.
You're a good kid.

He's a good kid, Phil.

I know we're all
gonna be friends,
solid friends.

Oh, there you are, short man.

Where have you been?
We've been waiting for hours.

I was at school, Grandpa.

Oh, we've got
more important things to do.

We're going to Dinoland.

But I've got homework.

Oh, stop being
such a killjoy, Arnold.

You can do it later.
We're going to Dinoland!

Sammy can get us in for free.
I own it!

You own Dinoland?

SAMMY: My park.

(CHEERING)

All right!

You having fun, Arnold?

I sure am.

I'm having
a great time too, kid.

Arnold, you're like a son
I've always wanted.

Uh, thanks.

Oh boy,
excellent bathroom, Sammy.

And I like the toilets
shaped like dinosaur eggs.

Oh, those aren't the toilets,
those are the sinks.

If those are the sinks
then that means I washed
my hands in the... (MUTTERS)

So, what other
crazy expensive stuff
do you own, Sammy?

Well, I got a big house.

Hey, what do you think
of this idea, guys?

We go back to my house,

order in
a million-dollar dinner,

and then we can play
in my basement.

Do you like bowling?

SAMMY: Well, this is it.

Home, sweet home, sonny.

You don't mind
if I call you "sonny," do you?

I guess not.

You can call me "sonny" too.

(LAUGHS)

That's great, sonny.

Million-dollar idea.

Mama Leone!

Last one down is a rotten egg!

(CHEERING)

Wow, this is such
a great place.

And, it's so big.

Twenty thousand square feet.

There are rooms
I've never even been in.

Do you ever get lonely here,
all by yourself?

Oh, yeah. Sometimes.

Dad?

Oh, hi, Alan.

Arnold, this is my son, Alan.

Hi.
Hello.

Well, we're all going
downstairs to bowl.

I'll be upstairs.
Right. Okay.

Hey, let's hit it, Arnold!

Yay! Look at me! Two balls!

Two lanes. No waiting.
(LAUGHS)

So, how come you've
never mentioned Alan before?

Ah, I'll be honest with ya.

I love the kid, but we're
just really different.

We don't share many interests.

It's like we speak
different languages.

Hey, what's in here?

Oh!

So, I guess, you and Alan
don't play down here.

Nah, none of this
appeals to him.

Have you tried
to do things together?

Uh, not much, lately.

Hi, Alan.
Having fun with my father?

He's being really nice.

I guess it's 'cause
I stopped that hockey puck.

Yeah, I heard all about it,
a few times.

I guess, you and your dad
don't get along so well.

You got that right.

Looks like you two
have a lot in common though,

like you're the son
he never had, sonny.

What are you talking about?
You're his son.

Well, technically.

We don't share
many interests though.

It's like
we speak different languages.

Have you tried
to do things together?

Not much lately.

Wow, did you
do those collages?

They're incredible. Amazing.
Thanks.

So, you're a photographer?
I guess.

I love art, too.
I like to draw,

but I can never
do anything like this.

Has your dad seen these?
I guess he has.

He didn't say much.

But, he lets me
buy cameras and film,

and I have
a darkroom downstairs.

So, that's something.

SAMMY:
Hey, Arnold, where are ya?

Ready for some racquetball?

I was just looking
at Alan's amazing photographs.

Yeah, they are amazing.
Racquetball?

It's okay.
Go ahead.

Actually, I'd better get home.

Aw. Hey!
How about this weekend?
We can get together, right?

Uh, sure.

What are you doing, Alan?
Me?

Him? Um, sure!
The three of us.

Million-dollar idea, Arnold.
Right, Alan?

I guess we could try it.

GRANDPA: Thanks for
having us, Sammy.

I love your seashell toilet.

Very comfortable.

That's not a toilet,
that's a sink!

Well, don't go in there.
Shotgun, Arnold!

(ENGINE STARTS)

GRANDPA:
Let's see what Grandma left.

Oh, there's
a plate of roast beef.

Well, some cheese...

(MUTTERS)

I know
what I have to do, Grandpa.

Right! You have to get
a sack of money
out of Sammy Redman.

After all, you saved that
eccentric billionaire's life.

No. I have to try
and get Sammy
and Alan back together.

It's so sad.

They're father and son,
and they don't
get along at all.

Oh, what a wonderful
altruistic plan, short man.

Maybe after
you get them together,

Sammy will give you
a sack of money.

They both seem
like good people.

Maybe, I can find something
that they both have in common.

Maybe what they have in common

is they both wanna give
you a sack of money.

Grandpa.
(LAUGHING)

All right.
I'm just kidding, Arnold.

Sack of money!

So, we have the whole day.
What do you guys
wanna do first?

Well, I thought we could
find something we all have
in common.

BOTH: But we don't have
anything in common.

Well, then...

Maybe, we could just enjoy
each other's company.

Let's just go.

Alley-oop, Arnold!

Nice. Two points.

Come on, Alan,
look alive.

Ow!
(CLATTERING)

(RHYTHMIC CLATTERING)

Whoo-hoo!

Look, I appreciate
what you're trying to do,

but it's not working.

Look, my dad and I
will never find
anything in common.

I don't think
you should give up.

Your dad isn't.

I know you guys will find

something you can
bond over eventually.

Sure, Arnold.
Whatever you say.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CHEERING)

(GROANS)

I'm going for a walk.

Well, be back
by the ninth inning.

(SIGHS WEARILY)

How can you be bored
at a baseball game?

It's like Alan and I
aren't even related.

We'll never bond
over anything, ever.

(BAT HITS)
Oh!

Holy cow! What a sh*t!

He knocked it
right out of the park!

Whoo-hoo!

Now, why can't Alan appreciate
something like that?

Okay!

(WHISTLING)

I give up.
I've tried everything.

There's no way those two
will ever get along.

Does this mean we're through
with the eccentric billionaire

and his disgruntled,
arty son?

No. Sammy invited me over
to check out his new
virtual laser hockey game.

Good. I've still got a sh*t
at my sack of money.

Grandpa.
Arnold.

Grandpa.
Arnold.

Your turn.

Grandpa!

Play another game, Arnold?

Yeah. Um, where's Alan?

Who?
Alan. Your son!

I don't know.
Hey, nice hip check!

(BUZZES)

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

Whoo! That was great.

You thirsty? I'm gonna go
get us a couple of egg creams.

What's egg cream?
You don't know
what an egg cream is?

Egg cream,
Egg Cream!

You're gonna love it, sonny!

I'll be right back.

Your egg cream, Mr. Redman.

What do you think?
Mr. Egg Cream.

Million-dollar idea, huh?

I've got something
to show you.

It's Mickey Kaline Jr.'s
home run we saw yesterday.

I've never seen
better baseball pictures.

Whoever took these
must really love the game.

How'd you get these, Arnold?
Who took 'em?

Your son.

Alan took these?

My son, Alan?

Your egg cream, Mr...

Uh, not now,
Mr. Egg Cream.

Holy cow!
I can't believe it.

I am so impressed.

ALAN: You are?

Alan, these are
the best baseball pictures
I've ever seen.

Million-dollar photos!
Thanks, Dad.

But, I thought
you hated baseball.

So did I.

Until I started looking at it
like a ballet.

Then I found it to be
quite interesting.

Ballet, huh?
(CHUCKLES)

Well, I don't understand it,
but it's fascinating.

Hey, do you think
you could teach me how
to take pictures like this?

Sure, if you really
wanted me to.

Great! We can go
to ballgames together!

What do you think, sonny?

Sounds like
a million-dollar idea, Dad.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

(DOORBELL CHIMING)

Your egg cream, Mr. Redman.

I don't want an egg cream,
I want my sack of money.

ROBOT:
Your egg cream, Mr. Redman.

GRANDPA: Forget the egg cream,
how about the sack of money?

(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)