01x19 - Arnold's Valentine

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.

Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

GIRL: Hey, Ruth.
Come on. Hurry up.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

MS. SLOVAK:
Happy Valentine's Day, class.

In honor of
Valentine's Day today,

we're all going
to make valentines
for someone we care about.

Someone who is important
or special to us in some way.

Any questions?

Ms. Slovak, what if
we don't really
care about anyone?

What if we have
never experienced love?

Then you'd be me.

"Arnold, be my valentine.
Sincerely, Helga."

(SCOFFS) "Sincerely"?
Yeah, that's romantic. Doy!

"Arnold, be my valentine,
or I'll pound you."

"Dear, football head..."

(GROANS)

Oh...

Hey, Gerald,
what do you think of this?
"Dear Ruth,

"I've long admired you
from afar. And now,

"I'd like to admire you
from up close.

"Please meet me
at the Chez Pierre
for an early supper."

You got some guts, Arnold.

Signed, Anonymous.

Guess I spoke too soon.

You gotta sign it, man.
How's she gonna know
who anonymous is?

She'll just know, Gerald.

Whatever you say, Arnold.

Well, there it is.

GERALD:
Man, that is some
piece of work.

Yeah, and I can't wait
to give it to Ruth.

Ruth? He's making a Valentine
for Ruth McDougal?

She's nothing but a stuck-up
sixth-grady, training
bra-wearing, bracey-face,

sixth-grady sixth-grader.

While you're working
on your valentines,

I'll hand out
the latest letters from
your overseas pen pals.

Oh, my, Rhonda.

Another package
of gourmet chocolates
for you from Paolo in Italy.

(SIGHS) I never get
fancy presents
from my pen pal.

Oh, don't worry, Helga.

Sometimes, the most
beautiful gift can come
in the plainest box.

Let's see what we have for you
from your overseas pen pal
in Baghdakistan.

Here you are.

"Please send money."

And, Arnold, here's
another letter from
your friend Cecile in France.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

All right, we'll get
the rest of these
after recess.

Not only is that French brat,
Cecile, sending Arnold
fancy letters.

But now, Mr. Valentine
is swooning over
that sixth grader, Ruth.

How can I express
my true feelings for Arnold?

How can I make him
see me for who I really am?

"Dear, Arnold.
How are you? I'm fine.

"Everything is
tres bien in France."

Blah, blah, blah.
Who cares?

Now, to implement
my brilliant plan.

"PS. I am flying out to
visit you this Valentine's Day
for one night only.

"Yes, that's right,
for one night only.

"Arnold, I want to become
much more than pen pals.

"I want to speak
of my deep desire
for you, my darling."

(SIGHS)
Nah, too much.

Better keep it vague.

"I've got something
very important to tell you.

"Please come alone
and don't make
any other plans.

"Meet me at..."
Some French restaurant.
What's the name of that place?

Chez Paris. Yeah, that's it.

"Chez Paris." Perfect.

Oh, no. Cecile's
flying into town
and wants to see me.

Tonight!

Let me look at that.

"I've got something
very important to tell you.

"Please come alone."
Whoa!

Gerald, what am I
gonna do?

Oh, yeah, right, Arnold.
Like you really need my help.

Most guys got to wait
till the seventh-grade to have
this kind of girl trouble.

Gerald, I'm serious.
Cecile's flying
all the way from France.

I gotta show up.

And I've already
made a date with Ruth.

I gotta show up for that too.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.
You got a problem, all right.

And here's
the weird thing.

The restaurants are
right across the street.

I invited Ruth
to meet me
at the Chez Pierre.

And Cecile
invited me here,
Chez Paris.

I got it.
Here's what you do.

See, you gotta
set up tables
at both restaurants.

And if Ruth doesn't show up,
and, believe me, she won't,
you're cool.

If she does,
you can make an excuse
and go back across the street.

What, like I'm gonna run
back and forth from
one restaurant to the other?

Sure, why not?

Hmm. That just might work.

Of course, it'll work.

If there's one thing
I know about, Arnold,
it's women.

Hey, Carla,
what's going on?

Stuff it, squirt.

Right. Sure thing, babe.
See what I mean?

I gotta find something
that will make me look French.

Hmm. Hello, boys and girls,
I'm the lunch lady.

MAN: (ON TAPE)
Bonjour, and welcome to
So You Want To Speak French.

I am your teacher,
Monsieur Tavernier.

Yuck.
Repeat after me.

Driver, to the
Eiffel Tower, please.

Chauffeur, a la Tour Eiffel
s'il vous plait.

Chauffeur, a la tour
awful, silver plate.

Ah, oui. Tres bien.
Oh, la, la!

Ah, oui, tres bean.
Oh, la, la!

This is gonna be a cinch.

I'll be speaking French
in no time.

You are doing very well.

You will be speaking
French in no time.

Hmm. A few alterations,
and this just might work.

Well, what're you
gonna say to her?

I don't know exactly.

Well, you gotta have
some kind of speech prepared.

You can't just walk
in there and babble.

She's an older woman.

She'll think
you're a goofball.

Hmm. Right. Right.
So what do you think
I should say?

Well, what do you
know about her?

Well, she's tall
and delicate.

And she has this really shiny
auburn hair that cascades
over her ears

and onto her
milky white shoulders.

And soft brown eyes
that sparkle and...

Arnold!
Are you trying
to make me puke?

Huh? Oh, sorry, Gerald.

It's just, when I think
about her, I start
hearing this music,

and I get all goofy.

Well, you get a hold
of yourself, lover boy.

Look, all that stuff
is just what you see.

What do you really
know about Ruth?

Well, I know, uh...
I know she's, um...

Well, for one thing,
she... Hmm.

I guess I really
don't know much
about her.

I just wanna tell her
how much I like her.

(SIGHS) This is gonna be
harder than I thought.

(TIRES SCREECH)

Wow! Jolie Chien Salon.

Just what I need.
A French hair salon.

Bonjour, mademoiselle.
May I assist you?

Yeah, I want the works.
And I wanna look
real French, okay?

I want exactly
what they're all
wearing in Paris.

Uh... You mean, for you?

Well, of course
for me. Who else?

Uh, mademoiselle,
this is not...

Look, Louis, I don't
have a lot of time.

Just give me one of them
frou-frou, la-di-da hairdos

like the rest
of your customers.

Ah, oui, mademoiselle.
If you insist.

(DOGS BARK)

Okay. How's this?
Ruth, I know you
don't really know me.

"And I don't really
know you."

Right. Right. But for
the past few months,

I've watched you
from afar, and I think
you're really pretty.

And once, I saw you
give up your seat
on the bus

to an old lady
carrying a watermelon.

And it probably sounds dumb,

but whenever
I think about you,
I hear this beautiful music.

I guess what
I'm trying to say
is, I really like you.

And I just
wanted you to know it.

So do you think
that was all right,
or is it too stupid?

Oh, it's fine.
(SNIFFLES) Don't...
Don't change a thing.

Gerald, are you crying?

No, no. Of course not.
(SNIFFLES)

I... I just got
something in my eye.
That's all.

What? What's in your eye?

It's nothing.
It's nothing.
Okay?

Just don't worry
about it, okay, man?

HELGA: Are you sure
this is what they're
wearing in Paris?

MAN:
Oui, mademoiselle,
exactement.

HELGA: (SIGHS)
Okay.

Man, Arnold,
you are looking sharp.

I couldn't have
done it without you, Gerald.

Well, wish me luck.

You won't need luck, man.

Just remember
everything I told you.

Now don't forget, Arnold.
If you get in trouble,

I'll be close by to help.

Well, I guess sooner
or later, they all
gotta leave the nest.

HELGA: Aha.
My plan comes together.

Not only will I be
snatching my beloved Arnold

from the clutches
of that dopey, air-brained
sixth-grade yo-yo. Meh!

But I will finally get
to express my true feelings

to that football-headed
wonder boy for who
so long I have pined.

And the best part is,
there's no risk involved.

Arnold won't even
know it's me.

All he'll see is Cecile.
Boy, what a great plan!

Nothing can go wrong now.

Oh, Papa, I am so happy.

After so long
writing letters
back and forth,

tonight, I will finally meet
my wonderful American pen pal,

Arnold.

Ah, oui, Cecile.
I am so happy
for you too.

Just think of the look
on Arnold's face when you
surprise him with your visit.

(SIGHS)
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Mesdames,
messieurs, please note

the Captain has turned on
the "fasten seat belt" sign
as we prepare for landing.

Bonjour, Arnold.

Uh, Cecile?

Whoa! (THUDS)

It's great
to finally meet you.

Gee, you don't look
much like your picture.

I don't? Oh,
I mean, uh... Uh...

Comme ci, comme ca.
What do you know?
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Your accent,
it's so American.

(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
Oh, merci.

What? What is it?

There's just
something about you.

I almost feel like
I know you already.

That's impossible.
We've never met.

Never even seen
each other before.

I meant from your letters.

Oh, right, my letters.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

So tell me more
about your life in France.

I have so many questions.

Oh. Um... Paris,
it's quite a city,
you know. Um...

Big and, uh, busy
and full of French people.

But I thought
you lived on a farm
in the Loire Valley.

A farm? Oh,
oui, oui, my farm.

But enough about me.
Let's talk about you.

How do you like your school?

It's pretty good, I guess.

Bonsoir, I am le garcon,
Jacques. Are monsieur and
mademoiselle ready to order?

I'd just like
a hamburger, please.
(ALL GASP)

JACQUES: Hamburger?
(LAUGHS)

Monsieur, Chez Paris
does not serve le hamburger.

Oh.
We have the steak tartare.

Delicately seasoned,
tenderized cuts
of marinated raw steak.

Okay, great. I'll have that.
Very well, monsieur.

Well done, with...

Bon! You are finished
with your order.

And for mademoiselle?
Okay.

I'll have the cervelles
braisees avec les
oeufs brouilles.

Excellent. Mademoiselle
has very refined taste.

What did you order?
Oh, you know, I forget
how you say it in English.

We have it
all the time
back home in France.

Sounds great.
So, Arnold,

what I wanted to tell you
is how very different
you seem

from all of your photos and...

...so distinctively shaped.
N'est-ce pas?

Uh, excuse me a minute.
I have to go to the...

Ah, oui, oui.
Exactly.

Well, call me Lucy.
She showed up.

Go to it, lover boy.

You're here.
You made it.

Uh, yeah. Do you have a
Mr. Anonymous? Party of two.

Yeah, yeah.
The table's all ready.

Here, sit down.

Arnold, I have to tell you.

I love... I like...
I mean, I'm in like...

I'm deeply in like...

Would you like a glass
of water or something?

I'll have a Yahoo Soda.

Oh, great, great,
great. Good choice.

I love...
I'm deeply in like...

Oh, I'm never gonna say it.

Psst! Hey, over here.

Uh, listen.
I'll be right back.

You stay right there
and eat some bread sticks.

Relax. I'll be back
before you know it.

Yeah, don't forget
the straw, okay?

Uh, bonjour,
how's you doing?

Can I get you
something to drink?

I just ordered
from that other busboy.

(SIGHS) The line to
the bathroom was... (EXHALES)

So, Arnold, is there
anyone you especially
like in your class?

Perhaps a smart,
funny, beautiful girl?

A girl? Well,
there's this one girl

named Helga.
(GASPS)

What about her
do you notice especially?

Well, she kind of...
I don't know.
She bugs me sometimes.

Oh, uh-huh.

Yeah, you know
what "bugs" means.

Not the crawly kind, but...

I know what "bugs" means.

What I mean to say is
perhaps there's a reason
why this one certain girl

bugs you. Perhaps deep,
deep down you really like her.

No. Deep, deep down,
I'd have to say

she really bugs me.

Look, Arnold, there's
something I need
to tell you. I... I...

(SNIFFS)

Mmm. Mmm.

Not many of our
young customers appreciate
calf brains and eggs.

Calf brains and eggs!

Cover me, Gerald.

I'm watching
your backside, Romeo.

Sorry I was gone so long.

I already got a Yahoo Soda
from the other busboy.

Busboy? Oh, oh,
you thought that...

Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not the busboy.
Um...

Let me put it this way.

You're probably wondering
about that valentine,
about who Anonymous really is.

Everyone knows
who Anonymous is.

They do?
Yeah, he's like a famous poet.

Huh?
Sure, every time
we read a poem at school,

it's always
by that guy, Anonymous.

(HELGA VOMITING)

(GROANING)

(VOMITING)

Uh, listen, Ruth.
Why don't we just
talk a little, get acquainted?

Okay, but when this
Anonymous guy shows up,
you're going to have to go.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

So then in the third grade,
that's when I first
started wearing my hair

in two braids
instead of one, okay?

But then Jenny Stiletto
starts going around
with the same hairdo

like she thought
of it first.

Can you believe that?

Oh, that's amazing.

RUTH: What do you think?
Man, he's cutting it close.

GERALD: Uh-oh.

Hey, Arnold, Casanova!
RUTH: What do you think?

Would you excuse me please?

Arnold, heads up.

(ARNOLD GROANS)

Here.

I thought you'd left.

Um, no.

Is something wrong, Arnold?

No, nothing.
It's just that... (SIGHS)

Have you ever noticed that,
sometimes, when you think you
like a person from far away,

you find out they're not
what you thought they were
when you get up close?

What do you mean?

Well, there's this girl
I thought I liked.

But then it turned out
that when I got to know her,

we had nothing in common.

Well, maybe she's
not the girl for you.

Maybe the girl for you
is someone you didn't expect.

After all, the most
beautiful gift can come
in the plainest box.

You know,
I think you're right.

Hey, how's you doin'?

I'm really glad
you came to visit me.

I'm having a great time
at dinner with you.

You are?
(CHUCKLES)
Me too.

Arnold, there's something
I have to... I need to say.

Arnold, I have to tell you.
I really like you.

And I have to know,
do you like me too?

Uh... Would you
excuse me one last time?

There's something
I kind of have
to take care of.

So do you like gum?
Yeah.

Me too. I love gum.

Do you like my hair?

Yeah, I like your hair.

Ha! Me too.

Hey, we both took
the same bread stick.

I love bread sticks.

Me too. Wanna go
get some ice cream?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Hey, Philippe...

Oh, hi, Alfredo.
We were just leaving.

You can clear
the plates now.

Arnold, what the heck
is going on here?

Wait, Cecile,
let me explain.

I came here
to have dinner with you.

But I already had
this other thing set up and...

If there's one thing
I can't stand,

it's someone not being
completely honest
about who they are.

Excusez-moi,
I am looking for Arnold.

Who are you?

I am Cecile.
Surprise!

Your grandpapa told me
you were here.

You did not recognize me
from my photo?

You're Cecile?

But you can't be Cecile
because she's Cecile.

Well, I... Um...

Arnold, what is going on?

Hi, uh... How you doing?
I'm Arnold.

You are Arnold?

GERALD:
Yeah, I'll explain it
to you later.

But for now,
what do you say you and I
get something to eat?

'Cause I know
this great hamburger joint
down the street.

Ah, hamburger!
The American steak tartare.

Allons-y, Arnold.

Uh... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
What a crazy night, huh?

Uh, yeah.

There's one thing
I still don't understand.

Who are you?

I... uh...
I can't tell you.

Why not?

I just can't.
That's all, okay?

Well... Okay. I guess.

Will I see you again?

Oh, probably.

I just wanna tell you,
this has been the best
Valentine's Day I've ever had.

Me too.
But now I have to go.

Well, we'll always
have Chez Paris.

(SIGHS)
Au revoir, Arnold.

He likes me.
He really likes me.

(EXCLAIMS)

Wait a minute.
He doesn't like me.

He likes Cecile.
Well, not "Cecile" Cecile.

"Me" Cecile.
So he does like me.

Oh, criminy,
I'm a basket case.

(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)