08x22 - Quiet, Please/Early Retirement

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Rugrats". Aired: August 11, 1991 - August 1, 2004.*
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`Rugrats' reveals the world from a baby's point of view where it's bigger, more mysterious and uncontrollable.
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08x22 - Quiet, Please/Early Retirement

Post by bunniefuu »

[ whirring]

[ snoring]

Whoa!

[ whirring]

[ kids laughing]

[ dog barks]

[ giggles]
[ whirring]

[ squeals]

[ straining]

[ crashing]

[ laughing]

My turn! My turn!

KIRA:
Ooh...

That's a no-no.

[ laughter]

Oh...

The History of Nasal Inhalers.

Oh, my, it's due back
at the library today!

Huh! I've got
an idea, Kira:

Let's take the kids.

What's a "lie berry," Tommy?

I don't know.

Maybe it's a berry that
makes you tell lies.

I think it's a big,
beautiful berry

that you lie on
like a big, soft bed.

I hope not.

Once I sat on a blueberry

and I still got the mess
on my pants.

That'd probably take my grandpa
a jillion years to read to us.

Oh, look, Kimmie, there's even
a special story time area.

The library's
a special place, Chuckie.

There's books in here
that can take you

on adventures
to anyplace you want to go.

The library's your special
ticket to the world.

[ playing sultry jazz tune]

Chuckie, Kimmie,
I'm going to get you

your very own library cards.

Did you hear
that, guys?

Kimmie and me are
getting lie berry cards.

What's a
lie berry card?

I don't know, but I think
it's a ticket to the world

and Kimmie and I
are going

on lots of adventures
with it.

I want
a lie berry card!

I want
a juice box.

CHAS:
Let's go, kids.

This is so exciting.

We'll meet you
back here, koibito.

Yes, may I help you?

I'd like a library card
for my son, Chuckie

and my daughter, Kimmie.

No problem,
you'll just need to fill out

this little stack of forms...

in ink... printed... neatly.

I'm very good
at filling out forms.

I'm a bureaucrat,
you know.

How fascinating!

Now, Chuckie and Kimmie,
there are a number

of important
library rules.

One, you must
be very quiet

while in the library.

[ crashing]

[ Charles yells]

Two, there is no food allowed
anywhere in the library.

And three, all books must be
returned to the shelves.

[ typing]

[ clicking]

And here are
your new library cards.

They're adorable...

if they remember
the rules.

Have a nice day!

And look, kids, this is
the children's area.

Well, Chuckie, remember,

that card is your ticket
to the world.

Hold on to it tight

because there's lots
of great things
in here

for you to discover.

So, go discover,
little fellow.

Oh, I almost forgot,
I've got to return this book.

Oh, it's so prettiful.

So, what do you do with it?

Well, I gets to look
at all the books

and I gets to take
some of them home

and I gets to use
the lie berry potty.

It's like a ticket
to the world!

Sounds like your ticket
to the potty.

I think it sounds
real 'portant, Chuckie.

Yeah, can we go
on adventures

to the world
with you?

Well, first you gots
to learn the rules.

Who cares about rules?

Don't listen to her, guys!

The lie berry lady
says the rules

are really,
really 'portant.

Like the rule at home

that we have to sleep
till sunup?

Or that we can't put
Lil in the diapie pail?

Sort of.

But these are special
lie berry rules.

[ whispering]:
First, you have to be quiet.

I'm always
quiet, Chuckie.

You're not,
Lillian.

I am, too, Phillip!

Are not,Lillian!

Am, too,Phillip!

Guys!

Shh!

Are not.

Then another rule
is no food.

Ever again?

No, in the lie berry.

Phil, Lil, hand it over.

You guys are going
to make me lose

my lie berry card,
and I just got it!

The last rule is
you gots to put

all the books
back on the shelves.

Hmm...

Boy, this
is going to be

a lot harder
than I thought.

Hmm... I wonder
what happened to Chas.

You children stay here
with the nice storyteller.

All right, children,
today's story is called

The Eensy-Weensy Centipede.

"Once upon a time, there was
an eensy-weensy centipede

who decided to crawl
all the way up a big tree."

Got it back just in time.

Yes, you did.

What's this?

This book is damaged,
Mr. Finster.

That must
have happened

when Kimmie tipped
over the table.

No problem.

Oh, that's a relief.

I'm just going to have to ask
for your library card.

M-my library card?

But I've had it
for years.

You must be proud.

But I can explain.

I'm sureyou can.

If you'll just step into
our interrogation room.

"Then, the eensy-weensy
centipede walked

all the way
to the end of the leaf."

[ fussing]

Hey, guys...

"That's when the eensy-weensy
centipede met

a little-wittle cricket."

Guys!Shh!

It's the part with the cricket.

But I lost my lie berry card.

Now the whole world's gone,
just like that.

Don't worry,
we'll help you find it.

Yeah, we'll help.

We'll help you,
Chuckie.

Children?

Stay right there.

Uh-oh--

how are we going
to get away from him?

My glasses!

Ooh...

I gots this one, guys.

Oh, my glasses...

But...

Oh, oh...

Nice work.

Piece of cape.

Come on, guys, let's find
Chuckie's card!

LIBRARIAN:
Mr. Finster

that's a very,
very interesting story.

But we have ways of dealing
with lawbreakers.

But it was an accident.

I'm not a criminal,
I'm a bureaucrat.

A bureaucrat,
well...

Bureaucrats do excel
at mindless work.

Perhaps there is a way
we can settle this.

Anything-- I just want
my library card back.

Chuckie, we've
looked all over

but we can't find
your lie berry card.

But it's my ticket to the world!

[ yells]

[ yells]

[ squeaks]

[ yelling]

We gots to keep looking.

Wait, we haven't checked
the potty yet.

I'm not checking
no stinky potty.

I'll check it.

You guys keep looking.

Right before
Chuckie lost his card

we were looking
through these books

so it must be
inside one of them.

[ gasps]

What are you guys doing?!

Looking for your
lie berry card.

Oh, what's
the difference?

They can't take
your lie berry card away

if you don't even gots one.

Hey, Chuckie!
There's something on your pants!

That's just
a blueberry stain, Kimmie.

No, Chuckie, look!

[ gasps]

Whoa!

Look, guys,
it's my lie berry card!

[ cheering]

Guys, we gots
to hurry

and get those books
back on the shelves.

Quick!

[ all straining]

Somehow these found their way
into the book return bin.

Did you all
enjoy the story?

Actually...

And look, they've
each found a book.

Thank you very much.

Come on, children.

[ growling]:
Good-bye!

There you are.

Oh, sorry, dear.

There was a little problem
with the book I returned

but I've taken
care of it.

I re-alphabetized
the library's card file

balanced their budget
and revised their Dewey
Decimal System.

Chuckie and Kimmie
sure did enjoy

their new library cards.

It was an excellent
idea, Chas.

Chuckie, I don't see
the world in here.

Me neither.

It's in there, guys,

you just gots to keep looking.

[ shouting]

[ jungle bird calls]

[ monkey calls]

[ roars]

[ electric guitar playing]

[ record skipping]

[ record scratches]

[ song continues]

You'd think they could give you

something more high-tech
than a record player.

Yeah-- like one of
those eight-tracks!

Let's jitterbug!

[ cheering]

[ laughing]

Wow!

Grandma and Grandpa dance
the litterbug real good!

This music makes me
want to move, Tommy.

[ giggling]

[ music continues]

Can we go home now,
Daddy?

I don't want to miss
Cynthia, P.I.

They're giving away
a sleepstake prize

and I'll hang around
old people when I'm old--

like next year
when I'm four!

Whoa!

[ kissing]:
And we're taking up
golf, too!

[ screaming]

Gophers gots
the bestest toys!

There's nothing like the feeling
of sand in a diapie.

Look, you guys,

my grandpa's playing
on the pudding green!

Whoo-hoo!

A hole in one!

[ screaming]Fore!

Oh, wait!

Oh, I say that before
I hit things, don't I?

[ snoring]

Since I moved into the
retirement home with Lou-Lou,

I'm the happiest man alive!

I've got a beautiful
woman by my side

and nothing
but free time!

Oh, I wish I could
say the same--

about the free time;

I got called
into work tonight.

Drew!

You know I have my
power yoga class tonight.

Who will
watch Angelica?

No problem.

But, but...

Cynthia, P.I.is
on tonight!

You can watch it
at Uncle Stu's house

with the babies.

The babies?

The babies?
The babies?!

[ giggling,
musical notes jingling]

[ snarling]

[ giggling,
musical notes jingling]

Toot the horn,
Tommy...

Quiet, babies--

Cynthia, P.I.'scoming on soon!

[ singing in whisper,
playing softly]

This is fun...

but not as fun
as that tired home was.

[ musical jingling continues]

When do we get
to tire?

Um, I'm pretty sure
you gots to be at least five.

Babies, you know what?

You could be tired
right now!

We can?
Really!
No way!

Sure, you're already
just like tired peoples--

you don't have much hair,
or teeth

you take lots of naps,
eat mushy food

and most important,
you don't have jobs!

Wow... Angelica's right,
you guys!

It's time for us to tire!

[ all cheering]

Ta-dah!

Welcome to Drooling Oaks,
babies,

your brand-new tired home.

Get in!

But this isn't like
Grandpa's tired home.

Well, not exactly.

You better get in
and retire right now

because, um... later
you may be too old!

ALL:Oh...

Um, can Dilly stay
outside, Angelica?

He's still gots
a lots of stuff to do

afore he gets to my age
and has to tire.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, remember:
Never, ever come out.

Ever, ever come out?

But Grandpa comes out
of his tired home.

To see you--
and you're already here!

Now, relax and start enjoying
your tired years, babies.

I know I will.

[ chuckling sinisterly]

Wow, you wake up
one day

and suddenly
you've tired.

I'm going to miss
playing in mud.

I'm going to miss
eating mud.
Me, too.

Those was the days.

These is going to be
the days, you guys!

You're right,
Tommy.

Now, let's start being
tired peoples!

How do we do that?

Um... I'm not sure.

ANGELICA:
Ah... no crying, no screaming

no stinky diapers... no babies!

[ screaming excitedly]

ANNOUNCER:
She's Cynthia, P.I.

a world-renowned circus
performer and super-model

who solves crimes
in her spare time.

Wow...

Hi, kids, I'm Steve Malone,

senior junior vice-president
of Cynthia Worldwide Marketing!

Remember--

keep your Cynthia, P.I.
dream sweepstakes ticket close

because you could win

an entire truckload of
Cynthia dream merchandise!

Truck rental
not included.

I know, let's do some

of the fun tired people stuffs
Grandpa and Grandma was doing.

Yeah, let's litterbug!

Phillip, we needs
music firstest.

I was dancing
to my own music.

The only music we gots is
this farm aminals tape.

Well, uh,
we'll just dance

like my grandpa
and grandpa would--

uh... if they was
cows and piggies.

[ TV show theme music playing]

The diamond thief left
this very important note.

It says...

[ cow mooing]

What? The thief's a cow?

[ babies giggling]

Oh...

[ cow mooing, banjo playing,
babies giggling]

[ music stops]

Quiet!

I guess we can't
litterbug no more.

I know!

Let's play goff!

Yeah!

Tommy, Angelica said

we can't ever, never come
out of the tired home, 'member?

Well, Grandpa leaves
his tired home

to come visit us,
so, um,

as long as we visit a baby,
it should be okay.

We'll go visit Dilly!

[ cooing]

Hi, Dilly.

Hey there,
Dillboy.

Hi, Dilly!

[ pooping]

Um, all right,
that's enough, let's go.

Hole in five!

Two!

A gazillion!
[ gasps]

Eleventy!

Purple!

[ grunting]

LILLIAN [ panting]:
You're apposed to say

a number, Phillip!

PHILLIP:
You said them all already!

Going undercover in the Russian
circus would be unbearable

if I weren't certain the
diamond is stashed in the....

Five...

Tenty...

A zillion!One!

Moo!

[ snarling]

[ screaming]

[ screaming]

Now, no dancing, no golfing,
no making any noise at all!

What else are we
supposed to do?

It's reading room time!

Read a book.

Even babies can't
mess that up.

[ TV theme music playing]

[ crunching]

Jeepers, I think that giant
black truck is following me.

It is, it is!

How can kids
get hooked

on such
mindless drivel?

Ooh, ooh, car chase!

DIDI:
Stu, I need your help
in the kitchen.

Tell me how it ends.

[ tires screeching]

[ yawning]

Oh... reading time gotted boring
really fast.

Probably because
we can't read.

TOMMY:
Hey, look, you guys,

my Randy Pandy walkity-talkity
storytime bear!

He can read to us.

[ cheering]

[ carousel music starts]

PANDA:
Once upon a time...

[ sighing]:
I heard this one already.

Yeah, how ya change
his station?

Let me try the panda!

I'm trying, Lillian!

Give it!

Whoa... mine!

[ carousel music distorts]

PANDA:
I'm Randy Panda... I'm Randy
Panda... I'm Randy Panda...

Uh-oh...

I'm Randy Panda...

[ TV theme music playing]

[ tires screeching]

I know who's in that truck.

I simply decipher
the license plate's code.

It says...

PANDA:
I'm Randy Panda

[ gasping]:
What?

I'm Randy Panda...
I'm Randy Panda...

I'm Randy Panda...

[ crashing]

That does it!

It's time for
all tired peoples

to go to bed
and be quiet!

[ cooing, panting]

Do you think we
should tell Angelica?

Nope.

She told us to go
to sleep and be quiet.

[ yawning]

Get your tickets ready, kids,

because the dream drawing's
coming up soon.

[ gasping]

Oh...

[ gasping]

ANGELICA:
Nap time's over!

I dreamed I took
a really fast nap.

Have you babies seen
my sleepstakes ticket?!

It's little, yellow,
and it was in my pocket!

[ cooing]

[ screaming]

You babies got a job to do--

help me put that ticket
together fast!

Where's that last piece?

We've looked everywhere!

Um...

not everywhere...

[ pooping]

Ooh, that was close.

There!

And that was our sweepstakes!

We'll be right back with
the pulse-pounding conclusion

ofCynthia, P.I.!

What?

I missed the sleepstakes?

CHUCKIE:
Hi, Angelica!

Back to the home,
babies!

Our tired days
is over, Angelica.

What are you talking about?

You gave us
jobs, 'member?

Yeah, putting your tickie
back together.

I-I...

[ TV theme music playing]

Fine-- you're not tired anymore.

Just leave me alone!

You may have ruined
the sleepstakes,

but at least I can still see
the pulp-pounding conclusion.

Being tired sure was fun,

but did anybody else miss
jumping on the couch?

[ babies giggling noisily]

I know who stole
that diamond...

and the thief is...

Lane Skyler with the weather.

[ gasping]

Oops.

[ screaming]

CHAS:
I'm not a criminal,
I'm a bureaucrat.
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