03x11 - The Young and the Bexless

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

[laughs]

Ooh!
Ah!

- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!

- Duncan!
- Duncan!

Hurry up, kids. You're
gonna miss the school bus.

Why aren't you driving us?

You said the school bus
driver was an alcoholic.

I said he drives
like an alcoholic.

- We didn't even have breakfast.
- Here you go.

ALL: Nom, nom, nom.

Okay, time's up.
Your father and I

have to get to work.
We're busy, frazzled,

working parents, aren't we, Jack?

So busy, so frazzled. Bye.

[bus horn honks]

[all scream]

Bam! Binge time.

[grunting]
♪ ♪

[organ plays]

Slanket us, baby.

[both sigh]

[dramatic music]

M'lady, prepare yourself for
ten hours of heaving bosoms

- and quivering buttocks.
- Don't forget lip-licking

and looks of askance.

NARRATOR: Last season
on "Bodicetown,"

Lady Paleshoulders made
a shocking announcement.

I am betrothed to Sir Tightincloth,

and my flower is ready
to be plucked.

[all gasp]
[horse neighs]

NARRATOR: But how quickly
spring can turn to winter.

You plucked my flower
and didn't even send

a messenger pigeon afterward.

Perhaps this message will suffice.

[romantic music]

- Mm...
- [warbles]

Oh, what a recap.

Butta gutta,
butta gutta, butta gutta.

Good morning, students.

After a series
of violent parent protests,

we will no longer
be serving % milk.

My stepdad whaled on a guy
for that. He's a full-fatter.

And today's big announcement...

it's C-SET time.
[cheering]

We all know
what C-SET stands for,

but I'll say it anyway:

Class Superlative Election Time.

It's important
that students are recognized

for things that won't matter
a damn in ten years.

I'm Mr. Mitch, and those are
your morning announcements.

[coughs]

Sorry, y'all... allergies.
Yeah, that's good.

This is the year
I'm finally winning Best Laugh.

Tell me which one
you like the best.

[giggles]

[cackles]

[heaving laughter]

Can I hear the last one again?

- [heaving laughter]
- Yeah, not that one.

I think I have a sh*t
at Mr. Personality.

[heaving laughter]

I just hope I don't get
Most Likely to Succeed again.

- It's so embarrassing.
- You could withdraw your name.

Or you could mind
your own business, Bex.

What title are you going for, D?

I don't know.
Maybe Class Couple?

Or Best Eyes.
I'd totally vote for you.

You would?
Yeah, my eyes are pretty dreamy.

Okay, I'm just gonna
give you a baby wipe.

Oh, you definitely gettin'
Class Clown again, Bex.

You had a stellar year...

Alka-Seltzer
in the teachers' toilet,

arm fart
during that moment of silence,

and who else would draw
a wiener on that painting

of George Washington
crossing the Delaware?

- Mwah.
- Yeah, the laughter I get

from my vulgar and crass
behavior is a special feeling.

But I can't take the title for granted.

You're only as funny
as your last crying teacher.

Now if you'll excuse me...

Hoomby, doomby, ding
me down, me poomp-a-wha.

[laughter]
[cries]

- Yes!
- [laughs] She got my vote.

[giggles]
Pluck my flower.

Pluck it, pluck it, pluck...
oh, yes.

- Keep plucking.
- Me doth loves this.

Wow, look at 'em go, Jack.

It's been eight minutes
of nonstop relations.

Well, back then, they had
no "Bodicetown" to watch.

It was just duelin' and doin' it.

Yeah, if you didn't use it,
it got cut off.

The king would take it!

I'll tell you what I do
find unbelievable though.

He hasn't had one
lower-back spasm.

And her bosoms haven't
rolled under her armpits.

Jack, you're suckin'
on that spoon pretty hard.

Oh, my God, the spoon's empty.
We ran out of ice cream.

We can't watch seven more hours
of hot young people

getting it on without the
cooling comfort of ice cream.

Aw, I don't feel like

putting on pants
and going to the store.

Who said anything
about putting on pants?

Oh, God bless you, Gary Clegg,

- inventor of the Slanket.
- M'lady.

And the nominees for Best Eyes
are Duncan Harris...

[small smattering of claps]
Gorgeous.

- To die for.
- I'm lost in them.

And the new student
who just started today, Januko.

[cheers and applause]

- Seems close.
- Sit down, Duncan.

- Yes, sir.
- Damn, we are getting smoked today.

I won,
but I'll probably give it back.

- When?
- When I feel like it, Wolf.

And now it's time
for the most anticipated award,

Class Clown.
[all gasp]

And this sole nominee
is the five-year reigning

Jester of Jokedale, Bex.

[cheering]

- I'm Bex!
- Whoo!

- You're the best!
- Fellow students,

as your incumbent clown,
I promise you another year

of food fights, split pants,
and pricelessly timed farts.

[farts]
[laughter]

[chuckles]
What a one-two punch.

Okay, let's wrap up
this sham election.

- Who votes for Bex?
- Who cares?

Friday night,
we're playing the Vikings,

or as I call them, the Suckings!

[laughter]

Whoa...
[laughter]

- Corey's hilarious.
- Corey for Class Clown!

That wasn't class clowning.
That was just cruelty,

and he already won Most Cruel.

ALL: Corey! Corey! Corey!

- No chant-in candidates!
- Sorry, Bex,

but the popular kids scare me.
Plus, it's lunchtime.

- Corey wins.
- Yeah! My life's easy.

[all cheering]

Oh, my closer.

Okay, give us a pint
of your Robert Brownie Jr.,

Drew Barrys'more,
Fudge Judy, Anderson Scooper,

and I'm gonna finally try
the Mint Romney.

I'm sorry, this isn't
an ice cream store anymore.

Wait, it's not
Pop's Sprinkle Shop?

No, it's Doc's Wrinkle Spot.
We tried to come up with a name

to replace as little
of the sign as possible.

So we can't get a cold scoop?

No, but you can
get a cool sculpt.

That's where
we freeze your fat,

and it leaks out of your body
at unexpected times.

We provide age-reversing
treatments like fillers,

skin peels, laser back shaving,
testicle balancing, and Botox.

Those things are for people who
are unhappy with their looks,

and we're very happy
with our looks.

Are you?
Your frown lines say otherwise.

- We look fine.
- And here's the magnifying side.

- [screams]
- Oh, God!

So that's a yes?

In the words
of Lady Paleshoulders...

BOTH: Poketh me good, baby.

- We look amazing.
- Now that we've

chemically altered your appearance,

You probably have
some questions

- you should have asked earlier.
- Just one.

Is there
a horse-drawn carriage nearby?

I believe there's
one parked outside.

Ah.

Oh, pluck. Oh, pluck.

[horse neighs]

NARRATOR:
Annie and Jack had discovered

the botulism-infused plague
of eternal youth,

and as their skin tightened,
their undergarments loosened.

[sighs] We just had
sex twice in hours.

I'll get your
post-coital Ben-Gay.

I don't even need the PCBG.

My back was having
too much fun to spasm.

And my trick knee
didn't give out

when I backflipped
off the hamper.

Is it possible
that the lady magazines

at the supermarket are right,

that looking younger
makes you feel younger?

Yeah, I feel like I could do
sit-ups right now.

[grunts]
Well, the point is,

I haven't felt
that delusion in years.

Mommy and Daddy
haven't come downstairs yet.

How do we get food?

All right, let's see what's
in the old emergency kit.

Okay, what do we got?
Foil blanket, toilet paper...

hello...
and some dried food.

"Parsnip flakes and
dehydrated pork fat gravy"?

"Dried turkey chips
and taco-style sauce"... I'm out.

Just fire the g*n
and wake up Mom and Dad.

Where have you two been,
and why do you look like

vacation photos of you
from before we were born?

Where are the lines in your face?
I can't see the road.

Yeah, where's
your normal haggardness?

Uh, we've been just drinking
water and eating lettuce.

And stretching.
Lots of stretching.

Don't you think
they look different?

I don't know.
I never look at their faces.

[gasps]
You had work done.

- No, we didn't.
- Oh, yeah?

I let Dylan Walker feel a boob.

BOTH: Kimberly!

We have never been
more disappointed in you.

I knew it.

You got your crow's feet
'toxed, elevens filled,

marionette lines smoothed,
eyebags emptied,

and necks de-waddled.

'Fess up, younger looking lady!

- Okay, lettuce.
- All right.

We were watching "Bodicetown,"
ate $ worth of ice cream,

were feeling bad about ourselves.
We got a little tune-up.

Aren't we entitled
to look our best?

No, you gave that up
when you decided to get old.

We just wanna relive
that moment in our life

when we were young and hot

before time and children
ravaged us.

Let's do it, Jack!
Right now,

- while we're still artificially young.
- To our tight, sexy past!

So should we go
to school or what?

I'm just gonna lay
under this foil blanket

and listen
to this hand-cranked radio.

As this emergency broadcast
goes off-air, good luck

and God bless everyone.

Welcome to sexual education.
[all giggling]

This loser's trying to
prevent unwanted pregnancies.

Tear him apart, Bex.

Today, we'll be learning
the application

of a prophylactic onto a genitalia.

I'll demonstrate with a banana.

Give me a moment while
I rummage around my sack.

He's rummaging his sack.
Trash this good man, Bex.

Oh, my sack smells terrible.

My ex-wife always complained
about my smelly, unwashed sack.

[all laughing]

He givin' you the alley-oop, Bex!

Here's the little guy.
Oh, it might be hard

to put on a condom
when it's so mushy...

better when they're firm.

Even I wanna hear
what you have to say, Bex.

Oh, I have
something to say, all right.

- Grow up!
- [laughs]

Good one!
Wait, no, it wasn't.

You want jokes?
Go to your class clown, Corey.

- Corey, you got anything?
- Um, that banana looks like a wang.

[all laugh]

You gotta admit, Bex.
That wasn't bad under pressure.

Everybody, shut up!
This poor educator

is trying to teach
you ungrateful hooligans

- some sexual manners.
- Thank you, Bex.

You know, I also am in charge
of the Student Patrol.

We could always use another
humorless scold like you

- to keep order and stifle laughter.
- Student Patrol?

You mean I'd be empowered
to take out my petty grievances

on those who didn't vote for me?

Yeah, that fills the void nicely!

You hear that?
You didn't celebrate me,

but now you will fear me.
Now pipe down,

and listen to this guy
talk about smashin'.

- Carry on, Mr. P.
- And now a subject that gives

me no pleasure, masturbation.

[all laugh]
[yells]

[all gasp]
That's what I thought.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

You look very snazzy, mister.

Please, "mister" is what
people called me yesterday.

[pop music playing]

We need spunky new duds to
match our bitchin' new look.

I'm gonna follow your lead.
You seem to know the lingo.

Can I be honest?
Those are way too young for you.

Let me show you
where the clothes

for people in their s are.

Our s?
Hot diggity!

Jack, watch the slang.

Hot diggity. I like that.

Hot diggity,
I'll take this shirt.

Oh, well, hot diggity,
I'll ring it up.

Oh, my God, Jack.
We're really pulling this off.

Wanna see how far
we can take this?

Hot diggity!

Sorry, kids.
I can't sell you beer.

BOTH: Yes!

You're too young
to buy cigarettes,

but just the right age to buy
this cotton candy vape juice.

- BOTH: Yes!
- Also, shame on you.

You're not old enough
to get your prostate checked.

Get out of here,
you crazy, perverted kid.

Yes!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Hey, hey, hey, no running!

Hey, you're walking too slow.

Hey, what's with you
walking just right?

Clean up this table.
Your mom doesn't work here.

- Actually, my mom does work here.
- Not anymore.

- Dolores, you're fired!
- Oh.

[cat yowls]
[laughter]

Oh, Poker Cat
is tearing Ben Affleck up.

I don't like those frivolity levels.

- Take it down.
- What happened to you, Bex?

You used to be diggity.

We get you're pissed
about losing your title,

but acting like this
can't be making you happy.

That's where you're wrong, Red.

- It's filling my t*nk.
- You're scaring me, Bex.

Sorry, but being
class clown was my world

ever since I got my first laugh
when I was six years old.

♪ ♪

- Ow.
- You're next, frizz ball.

This is the body of Christ.

Ew. I don't know what
part of His body this is,

but I'm guessing butt.

[gasps]
[laughter]

Making kids laugh
made me feel special.

Then I saw how easily
I could be replaced

and realized I'm not.

But a bad attitude and
yardstick, baby... that's special,

and I don't have to fart
so hard I split my pants,

which my doctor said was
sending me to an early grave.

ALL: ♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

Hey, no open flame!

But I was
just about to make my wish.

It's my wish now.

Well, when you get Rihanna,
make sure you treat her right.

[sighs] Fun day, but I gotta
admit I'm b*at. Good news

- about my prostate though.
- Yeah, my torso's gettin'

a little cold in this crop top.

- Mm!
- Hey, freshmen, a little help!

He thinks we're freshmen,

and he wants
their giant can of beer back.

Thanks, d-bags.
Wanna party?

It's one of the brodies' birthdays.

Annie, it's a real live frat party.
We've been dreaming of this

ever since
we never went to college.

Yeah, we've only seen these

in funny movies
and chilling documentaries.

We can't pass this up...
unless you're too tired.

Hell no. I'm gonna pop
a Silver Centrum gummy

and get a second wind.

- We accept your kind invitation.
- Hot diggity!

Wait, are you lying
about your age?

- Mm...
- 'Cause if you're high school

students, we could get in trouble.

Chill, dude.
We're older than we look.

Awesome!
Sorry I called you guys

- d-bags earlier.
- No problem.

We deserved it.
Let's party!

- Yeah!
- NARRATOR: Will Annie and Jack

enjoy a night of drunken revelry?

I know I will.

Happy birthday, brodie!
Yee-haw!

[electronic music playing]

It's even more magical
than I imagined!

- Freshman burrito!
- I'm gettin' hazed, Annie.

[indistinct chatter]

- It burns so good!
- Good for you, honey.

- I'm playing flippy cup.
- ALL: Flip, flip, flip the cup.

Soon, we'll all be throwing up.

[grunting]

Bam, bam, bam, boom.

BOTH: Our queen.

They're gonna push me off the roof.

- [laughs]
- Have fun, honey!

YOLO!
We young people are crazy.

[cheering] Tonight's game is
dedicated to the memory of...

It's dedicated to the memory
of the Vikings,

- or as I call them...
- ALL: The Suckings!

[laughter]
[mic feedback]

- What are you doing here?
- We don't know where Mom

and Dad are, so we decided to
have cotton candy for dinner.

Hey, hey!

Leave some room
for the Holy Ghost.

Did you sneak
those empañadas from home?

I'm appropriating
this contraband.

My grandma made those
for my birthday.

Tell her they're bad.

Hey, our cotton candy
looks like Duncan's hair.

[laughter]

- Yeah, it do look like your 'do.
- It do not.

[laughs lazily]
[mockingly] I'm Duncan.

I'm an idiot.
I ran out of clean underwear

- and wore my sister's.
- One time!

[laughter]

What's all
the commotion up there?

[mockingly] I'm Duncan.
My mom has to give me a bath.

Oh, you're one to talk, Jing.
[laughter]

No cuttin' up and hee-hawing.

But we're being funny like you, Bex.

She's right.
I don't need a stupid title

to be down to clown.

I'm an inspiration
to future fire alarm pullers

and stink b*mb throwers.
I am special.

[dramatic music]

[yells]

Ha!

[laughter]

Why?
I'm a good person!

Hail to the clown, baby!

[all cheering]
♪ I am your clown ♪

[arm farts] ♪ And I'll see you
in sex ed class ♪

Oh, dear.

[party music playing]

["Every Little Step"
by Bobby Brown plays]

All right, Bobby Brown
dance challenge. Let's do this.

Bobby Brown?
From the ' s?

That's before our time.

Yeah, we've never
heard of him or made out

at one of his concerts,
but we'll try to keep up.

BOTH:
♪ Every little step I take ♪

♪ You will be there,
every little step I make ♪

♪ We'll be together ♪

We got old once, Jack,
but never again!

Let's be young and drunk forever!

[gasps] We're being TikTok'd!

"Yahoo! News,"
here we come!

♪ Listenin' for the telephone ♪

Jack, your right jowl
just dropped.

Oh, you wanna see a drop?

That was dope.
Why are you frowning?

[gasps]
You're frowning!

Why didn't they warn us
this dubious procedure

- was temporary?
- Your brow is furrowing!

You shouldn't be able
to furrow.

Nicole Kidman doesn't furrow!

If these kids realize
we're secretly hideous,

we'll be exposed as the
pathetic old people we are!

I don't wanna be
a biral me-me.

Let's get out of here.

- [crying]
- Oh, no!

A crying girl...
I have to console her.

Look at me!
If he can't handle your worst,

- he doesn't deserve your best.
- Mm.

It's a college party,
I'm a dead man

if I don't play "Wonderwall."

And you're an old man if you stay.

You're already Giuliani'ing!

[both scream]

ALL: Wrestle! Wrestle!
Wrestle! Wrestle!

- Ew!
- Dude, I don't mean to be

body shaming, but that
is not the freshman .

[' s rock music playing]

Edward Fortyhands!

Jack, I played this
at a baby shower once.

They won't take them off
until we drink them all.

- Whose baby shower?
- Lianne.

Oh, right. Lianne.
God, I hope that kid's okay.

ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug!

[record scratch]
[all gasp]

[slurring]
What are you looking at?

[monkey screeches]

[yells]

That's right.
We're old.

You don't know what's diggity.

[horse neighs]

Oh, my burps taste awful.

They smell awful too, honey.

Here, have some more Dwayne,
The Rocky Road, Johnson.

Well, there's no fightin' it, Jack.

We're aging, but you know what?

There's no one I'd rather
grow old with than you.

Aw, babe.
Well, I think we look

- better this way.
- We do look good,

and also, we're both losing
our eyesight, so who cares?

There's nothing I'd rather do

than feel you up
under a Slanket.

[Victorian accent] Then have
at me, Lady Thickbottom.

[Victorian accent] Oh,
I shall, Sir Dadboddington.

[romantic music]

NARRATOR: Annie and Jack's
torrid passion quickly turned

to deep sleep...

[both snoring]
And they learned

that while getting old
is no prance in the park,

- at least they could...
- [burps]

NARRATOR: Good God.

[doorbell rings]
Huh?

Oh, is it cookie time again?
I'll take .

No, we're the new writers
for Bex.

Get in here.
School starts in ten minutes.

All right,
what do you got for me?

Okay, you know how juice box
holes are always too small

for the straw?
Well, I was thinking it...

[snores]
Are you gonna get to the joke

before I die?
What do you got, Kimberly?

- So this isn't ha ha funny, but...
- I eat, sleep, and crap ha ha's.

But I struggled all night
to come up with this.

- Will you at least hear it?
- You wanna talk about struggle?

I struggled all
through grade school to learn

how to fit a banana up my nose.

But when I sneeze it out
at lunch today,

that cafeteria is gonna be
a river of pee

from kids laughing so hard.

That's the bar...
banana nose.

You know she likes you, right?

I don't care.
I just want the soda.

[gulping]