03x13 - The Dudliest Catch

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

[laughs]

Ooh! [growls]

- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!

BOTH: Duncan!

And that's why
I'm pretty damn sure

the aliens built the pyramids.

So we're not gonna open
the book at all this year, huh?

You know
who I think wrote this book?

[all gasp]

I'll tell you next class.

Damn, he knows how
to keep us coming back.

Oh, don't forget the semi-formal
dance this Friday night.

Since they rejected my theme
Aliens Built the Pyramids,

they're going with Under the Sea.

[sighs]

Pretty funny
that the band is Phish, huh?

Phish?
[laughs]

You're the king of comedy
and the sea!

Sea Man!

I'm going to dance
with your girlfriend.

- Do you mind?
- Go ahead, Dark Squid.

[hums to himself]

Ooh!

What I meant was
go ahead and die.

Oh, Sea Man.

Let's go find a big clam shell
and lay a thousand eggs.

[smooching]

- Is there a cat on my back?
- [slurping]

Clothes go in your drawer,
not on the floor!

[laughing]
Classic!

I'm getting a little tired
of Hector's preachiness.

Can we watch another?

Hey, how'd you like
to watch something else?

Anything else.

I don't want to, but Hector says,

"It's outta sight to be polite."

[TV chiming]

Annie, look what's here.
"Huxter"!

Oh, my God, Jing!

This was our favorite show
when we were kids!

Huxter's the rude,
crude dude with attitude!

I'll watch three minutes.
Set the timer.

[timer ratchets]

[upbeat music]

♪ He's half cat ♪

I'm cleaning myself here!

♪ He's half pig ♪

[wolf whistle]
Nice gams, toots!

Now make with the ravioli!

♪ ♪

Hot damn!

Eat nukes, Cuba!

♪ Oh, Huxter ♪

I'm a little dirtbag!
[bell rings]

[laughter]

Dr. Huxter, what's my diagnosis?

- Uh, you're ugly.
- I want a second opinion.

Fine.
Your breath sticks, too.

Ooh, hot damn!

[laughter]

You never ask Huxter
for a second opinion!

I'm a little dirtbag!

[gasps]

Look at all those suckers,

paying good money to come back
to school at night.

For an evening
of heavily-censored hip-hop

while teachers watch
kids grind on each other.

Educators are such pervs.

I don't know.
A dance could be kinda fun.

- Don't you think, Mia?
- Hell, no!

Unless it was
"Game of Thrones"-themed.

Alive or dead,
Jon Snow can get it.

Ha! Duncan wants to go to the
dance and shake his flat ass!

And fall in love
and someone marry his flat ass.

[chuckles]
Your ass is flat.

No, I don't want
to go to a dance!

And love is stupid.
I can't wait to die alone.

I meant a dance could be fun
to goof on.

Oh, then we owe your flat ass
an apology.

Yeah, we'll go to goof on it.
That'd be tight.

Five tickets, please.

And is there a discount if
we're just going to goof on it?

Yeah, actually.

You get % off
and a souvenir cup.

Oh, look, Kimberly.

Aren't those your friends
from school?

Kimberly? Kimberly Harris!
Where are you?

Oh, my God, Mom!
Stop talking!

I don't want them to see me!

[camera shutter clicking]
Oh, my God.

I always assumed
Kimberly's having diarrhea,

but this confirms it.

[laughter]

Way to go, Mom.
They're probably already

posting the poop emoji
under my photo on Instagram.

Yep, there it is.

I'll just follow them out
to the parking lot

and explain how they
make you cry every night.

One thing I know about girls is

they don't like
making other girls feel bad.

- Just do your shopping!
- Okay!

What?
You put it on the list.

[groans]

Oink meow!

Leave some cookies
for the rest of us, Santa!

They're a substitute for alcohol.

What's gotten into you,
young lady?

You let watch
that stupid "Huxter" show.

It couldn't have had
that much effect.

We only let her watch
six seasons.

Ravioli?

[eats loudly]

Hot damn!

[groans worriedly]

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, I forgot to wear fancy
clothes, 'cause I don't suck.

[laughter]

Solid goof, Duncan!
Solid.

Check it out! I'm dressed
like a fru-fru girl.

Isn't that hilarious?

[flowing classical music]

Yeah.
Hilarious.

All right, kids.
It's with a heavy heart

that I have to announce
the rules for tonight's dance.

No twerking,
no backing that thing up,

no busting it wide open,

no popping on a handstand,

and under no circumstances

shall you throw that ass
in a circle.

Other than that, have fun.

Yeah, what could be more fun

than bad punch and dollar store
cookies in the gym?

[laughter]

Gee, I wonder
if they have blue streamers

to represent the sea.

[laughter]

[upbeat pop music]

ALL: Whoa.

♪ I feel like an astronaut
in the ocean ♪

Oh, my God, those steamers
look just like the sea.

A dolphin cookie bouquet!

Oh, Milanos!
The cookies of kings!

I think I'm in love
with the paper mâché mermaid.

Take me beneath the waves.

We're still here
to goof on this, right?

Oh, yeah.
Totally!

- It's so lame!
- Yeah!

Look at those losers over there,
cherishing their adolescence.

Hey, you know
what we should do?

Make fun of them by dancing
and smiling just like they are.

Yeah! Idiots.

- That'll show 'em.
- Solid goof.

♪ When your brain goes numb ♪

Let's do this, babe.

♪ ♪

[chuckles]
This is so weak.

♪ I feel like an astronaut
in the ocean ♪

[cheering]

Look how impressed they are

by us forming
an awesome dance robot!

So sad!
Whoo!

Oakdale students,

if you came to this dance
just to goof on it,

but now you're having
a great time unironically,

let me hear you scream!

[all cheering]

♪ ♪

♪ Like, like an astronaut
in the ocean ♪

♪ ♪

Sorry, not getting romantic
with y'all.

♪ I feel like an astronaut
in the ocean ♪

- Mwah!
- Uh...

♪ ♪

[birds singing]

I got a girlfriend!

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

I got a girlfriend!

Mwah!

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

I got a girlfriend!

[chuckling sigh]

I got a girlfriend!

♪ ♪

I got a girlfriend!

I got a Kn*fe.

I gotta go.

[grunting]

- I got a girlfriend!
- Cool!

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

And there she is.

- Morning, Mia.
- Oh hey, Duncan.

- Fun dance, huh?
- Fun? Some people are calling it

the greatest night of our lives.

Carry your heavy,
worthless books for you?

Oh, I got 'em.
Thanks, though.

Hmm?

Uh, uh, hey.
Check your phone.

I'm AirDropping a picture
for you to post on IG.

It's me waking up with
bed head. It's kinda cute.

Have fun with the caption.
I trust you.

Oh, thanks.
I'll check it later.

Really? Oh, okay. Uh...

are you cold?
Here, take my hoodie.

I took all the dirty tissues
out of the pockets.

That's okay.
I'm wearing a jacket.

I'll take it. The store
owner where I steal my

morning coffee cake ripped
my shirt when I ran out.

Mm.
Damn, Hostess got a hold on me.

[sniffs]
It smells like you.

[indistinct chatter]

Uh, hey, Mia.

You want to
switch seats with Bex

so we can pass each other notes
and brush fingers?

Nah, I like sitting up front.

I can really rack up
participation points.

Thanks, though.

Hmm.
I don't got a girlfriend?

[birds singing]

Hold my calls.

Us dirtbags are gonna
be upstairs playing poker.

And that better be ravioli,

or I'll put my pig foot
in your piehole!

You see what I'm saying?
She's out of control.

At HomeGoods, she
dribbled my boobs like

a couple of basketballs and
said they need more air!

[chuckles]

Sorry, I was just remembering

when Huxter did that
to the Queen of England.

[laughs]
The Christmas episode!

Oh, my God,
we're horrible parents.

I'm gonna sit her down
and tell her it's unacceptable.

No, no, no.
You'll seem like hypocrites

that you
let her watch the show.

I'll talk to Jing.
I'm her big sister.

She looks up to me.

Listen to the -year-old,
Annie. She'll handle it.

If I tell her to stop, she'll stop.

Jing, you've gotta keep going.

I need your hurtful gift
to hurt people that hurt me.

What's this dingy dame
talking about?

I'm talking about revenge.

Deal us in.

[insects droning]

What's going on in her head?

Maybe the helpful people
on Reddit have the answer.

"What does it mean when you
kiss a girl in a photo booth

and she acts like
nothing happened?"

Ugh!

[snoring]

[sighs]

- Can we talk?
- [screams] Who'd you k*ll?

It's gonna be okay, but you
need to tell me everything.

No, I need to talk to you
about something personal.

Dunkie, you haven't paid us

a vulnerable middle-of-the-night
visit in years!

You can talk to us
about anything, anything!

Just to be clear,
you didn't k*ll anybody, right?

Again, if you did, it's okay.

Okay, so, um,
Mia and I shared, like,

um, a "moment of contact,"

but now she's acting like
nothing happened.

[gasps]
You look so presidential.

No, the one below it.

Oh, your first smooch!
My baby, my baby!

- [smooching]
- Stop it!

I thought it meant
we were a couple,

but at school today,
nothing's changed.

Doesn't a kiss mean
she's my girlfriend?

It's a start, but it doesn't
mean you're a couple.

Yeah! Mia's probably
thinking, "Hey, mister!

"I don't wanna just be
your photo booth floozie!

I wanna be your special lady!"

And that requires
a grand gesture.

- I already offered to tie her shoes.
- Bigger!

In front of the whole school,
like in the movies.

Yeah! When I wanted to lock
it down with your mother,

I showed up to her soccer
practice on a motorcycle.

She was crazy about
"The Terminator," so I said...

[Arnold impression] "Annie! Come
with me if you want to love!"

[normally]
I held out my hand,

lost control, and smashed
into the bleachers.

months later,
he learned how to walk again

and we've been inseparable
ever since.

- [sighs]
- Ooh, metal rod, metal rod!

Thanks for looking out
for me.

You guys are pretty cool.
Can I sleep with you tonight?

Fine,
just don't hog the whole bed.

Deal.

[snoring]

Oh, I've missed this.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, Kimberly!

Did you see how many likes
your diarrhea is getting?

You broke the toilet
and the internet.

[laughs]

Oh, you guys like jokes?

Then say hello to my little
sister! Huxter 'em, Jing!

Ladies, the only thing
that stinks worse

than her diarrhea
are your TikTok dances!

[gasps]
[laughter]

You better watch it, small fry.

Yeah, I am a fry.

So why don't you eat me,
grease cheeks?

Kimberly, who is this girl?

Well, lookie what we got here.

- I feel like playing basketball!
- Jing, no!

[bouncing sounds]
[all gasping]

They need more air!

Mia, you should
tell the lunch lady

you found a fingernail
in your pizza.

Nah, I'll eat around it.

I hate when people
make a big scene.

["Game of Thrones" theme
playing on boom box]

[all gasp]
[horse snorts]

What the... is that Duncan?

- Okay, Jon Snow!
- Horse in the cafeteria?

Not sanitary, but I gotta
see where this goes,

so I'll allow it.

[horse snorts]

Mia, the dance started
as a goof,

but turned into something real.

Will you be
my mother of dragons?

- That means girlfriend.
- Oh, Duncan.

[all gasp]

- No.
- Hmm?

Whoo!
Oh, wait, she said no!

Damn!

[sighs]

[electricity zaps]
[horse neighing]

Why did I chain myself
to the saddle?

Don't worry,
I'll get the tranquilizer g*n!

[grunts]

[snoring]

Damn,
I'm a terrible lunch monitor.

[snoring]

[gasps]

Oh, thank God.

It was all just
a humiliating dream.

Oh, no, man.
It happened.

You're just waking up
from the tranquilizer dart.

- [grunts]
- But my clothes are different.

You weren't even conscious
for the worst part,

so you know what?
Let me get you up to speed.

You were chained to the saddle,

so we had to cut you out
of your animal pelt,

and that happened
in front of everybody.

So the girl of my dreams

rejected me
in front of the whole school

and then everyone saw me
in my underwear?

We had to cut you
out of those, too.

Well, we didn't have to.

Ugh, this is not how my
parents said it would turn out

when I was in bed with them!
I ruined my life!

Come on, D.
You can hide in shame forever,

or you can just man up,
face Mia,

and tell her you
were on cr*ck cocaine.

I wish that was true.
But I know what I have to do.

- Hey, can we talk?
- Aye.

The crabber job,
is it out on the sea forever?

- 'Tis is.
- Cool.

I'm an experienced crab guy
who's done lots of crab stuff.

Impressive résumé.
Welcome aboard!

[seagulls cawing]
[waves crashing]

[ship's horn blows]

Kimberley, you weaponized
your zinger-flinging sister!

She's five years old and already
banned from middle school!

You should be happy.
I've never loved Jing more.

And I love zing-flinging!

Now zip it and crank up
the Kids Bop, toots!

Wait, this isn't the way home.

- Are you driving us off a bridge?
- Not today.

We're gonna teach you a lesson
in the form of a cautionary tale.

Ugh! Please just
drive us off a bridge.

We're taking you
to see Mort Bushmiller,

- the creator and voice of Huxter.
- Yeah!

So you can see that a
life built on cheap insults

and rude remarks
doesn't end well.

Wow!
I got a million-dollar mouth!

Did you guys not do
a simple Google search?

BOTH: Hmm.

[seagulls cawing]
♪
♪

[both strain]

Ugh!
It's full of aliens!

They built the pyramids
and now they're gonna k*ll us!

Duncan, I'm getting the sense
you're not a crab guy

- who's done lots of crab stuff.
- Sorry I lied!

Please don't feed me
to the aliens!

Let's go below, hmm?

I'll smoke a smelly pipe while
you tell me your tale.

That sounds cool.
Got any coffee?

Jack, look!
An autographed poster of the

"Huxter" live action movie
starring Jerry O'Connell.

Wow, to stand back-to-back
with Huxter.

[camera shutter clicks]

Welcome to Casa de Dirtbag.
[chuckles]

I'm Mort Bushmiller,
the creator and voice of Huxter.

[Huxter voice]
Oink meow!

Wow, to stand face-to-face
with Huxter.

Jack, this is serious.

Although we are huge super-fans
and we once mobbed you

at the opening
of "Huxter's Hot Wings."

[normally]
Oh, that's right!

You tore out a patch of my hair!

My dad still wears it
around his neck.

Mwah!

Mr. Bushmiller,
our five-year-old

got the wrong idea
from your hilarious cartoons

and thinks it's okay to be rude
and insulting in real life.

So as her parents,

we're asking you
to do our jobs for us.

Well, for starters,

you shouldn't let
a five-year-old watch my show.

What else you got?

Okay, I know I hurt
a lot of people back then,

and it breaks my heart
that Castro d*ed

before I could apologize to him.

Remember Jing, Huxter says...

[Huxter voice]
Words hurt!

No, Huxter says
"I'm a little dirtbag!

So make with the zingers,
you rich, washed-up hack!

[normally]
Uh, she's a tough case.

There's a cure for this,
but it ain't pretty.

Do what you gotta do.

Okay, Jing.
You want the full Huxter?

Gimme!

Here we go!

[inhales deeply]

[sobbing]

Words do hurt!

Doesn't he know
it's outta sight to be polite?

That was horrifying!
It was so personal!

And why'd he drag Grandma
into it?

Yeah, he went way over the line,

but wow, traumatized by Huxter.
What an honor.

[camera shutter clicks]

[accordion playing]

And then she ran out
of the cafeteria

and I'll never be able
to face her again.

Could you please stop
playing that concertina?

- God!
- I'll let you in on a secret, Duncan.

None of us knew what a crab was
before we got on this boat.

We're all here 'cause
we've been rejected by someone.

I was rejected by my
Sunday pickup basketball game.

[Scottish accent]
"The Great British Bake Off!"

A pox on you, Mary Berry!

[sighs]
Atlanta Concertina Symphony.

No offense, dude, but
they were right. You suck.

[sad chord]

What's your story,
Captain Pete?

Like you, I was rejected
by my true love.

She was a mermaid
off the coast of Mexico.

For months we flirted,

me steering my ship
through the chop,

her dancing in the boat's wake.

Then one sunny day,
I got close enough to see

the mermaid
was actually a dolphin.

But by that point,
my heart was all in.

I k*lled, gutted,
and wore a dolphin's carcass

to show her it could work,

but alas, my grand,
bloody gesture was rejected...

because I acted like a freak.

The lesson, Duncan, is
don't be a freak.

Come on, man. All I did
was dress up like Jon Snow

and ride a horse into the...

oh, my God,
I did act like a freak.

I mean,
I didn't take a life like you,

but I was a little extra.

It's too late for us,
but you still have a chance.

Swim to her, Duncan!

Can't you guys drop me off
or something?

That we can.
Set sail for Mia's house!

[all grunting]

[upbeat sea shanty plays]

Seriously, dude.
Just no.

Yes, you're right.
It is annoying.

[panting]

Wait, don't be a freak.

Duncan, where have you been?
I tried calling you,

but your voicemail said
the sea was your mistress now?

- Jealous?
- Of the sea?

Never mind.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry

I put you on the spot
in the cafeteria.

- I took advice from my parents.
- Oh, that explains so much.

I felt bad running away,
but I just didn't want

to have the conversation
in front of the whole school.

Yeah,
I kinda beefed that part.

You know how much I like you,

but my life
is so full right now

with applying for scholarships,

learning how to play
the Middle Eastern ney,

and lobbying to remove lead from
the school drinking fountains.

I drink out of those fountains,

and that water
tastes good to me.

- But I get your point.
- I just don't have time

to give a relationship
the attention it deserves.

And you deserve.
And me.

But speaking as someone
younger than your parents,

could we have the kind of

non-committal
casual relationship

our generation is known for
and just hang?

You mean, like one-on-one?

- Yeah. I'd like that.
- Me, too!

[chuckling]

What are you doing?

Trying not to be a freak,
but I'm really happy.

I gotta get the lead
out of that water.

One-on-one!

They're gonna hang
one-on-one! We did it, boys!

- [all cheer]
- So beautiful!

Never give up on love.

[grunts and bellows]

[panting]

[Nu Shooz's "I Can't Wait"]

I'm open!
Give me the ball!

Don't be a grody dweeb
to the max!

[engine revving]
[gasps]

Tubular!
Annie, that hunk's totally

making a grand gesture for you!

[Schwarzenegger impression]
Come with me if you want to... love.

[dramatic music]

Jack, be careful!

[screaming]

♪ ♪

I'm good!

[screams]

Stop time traveling
to prevent your back pain!

Now get in the car
before you're arrested

for being naked
at a girl's soccer practice!

[hydraulic whoosh]

[engine revving]

♪ ♪

[gasping]

[strains]

Oh, my God!
I got a boyfriend!

[groans]
[all cheer]