01x04 - The Portwenn Effect

[bunniefuu]

- (Louisa) Martin! - We got a disco ball this year; all the beer you can drink; two glasses of white wine; a band; and all for a tenner.

- Go on; give me two; then.

- Oh; there's lovely.

Hi; Doc.

I've just been mugged by Bert.

And I've now got two tickets to the Portwenn Players dance.

- An auspicious occasion.

Do you want one? - Doctors aren't allowed to attend social events; and; um; I can't dance.

- Well; you don't have to dance.

- Really; I won't.

Thanks.

- Have you nabbed my nephew yet? - Doc; you can't pass up on an event like this.

- I'm busy.

- I didn't tell you when it's on.

Come on.

It's a charity do.

It's fun.

We squeeze in the village hall and shake our booties.

- Sounds appalling.

- Oh; you've no chance there; Bert.

Oh; well.

You know where we'll be.

Yeah.

- Here; Mark.

You got a ticket? - I got a spare one.

Thanks.

Thanks very much.

- Great.

What time? - Um About eight.

- See you there.

- OK.

Great.

Well; make sure you put on your dancing shoes.

I reckon she fancies you.

Blimey.

Now don't forget; we're going into Mrs Potter's home.

So please respect that.

Mrs Potter is an expert on British birdlife.

We're lucky to have her in the village.

I don't care about the stupid old bag.

Peter! I know what I want to know about birds.

I learned about birds when I was eight.

If you won't cooperate; I'm just going to have to give you a consequence.

Common garden species - blackbird; blackcap; bluetit; brambling; bullfinch; chaffinch.

Do you want to know breeding habits? Feeding habits? It's not enough to be clever.

You have to be polite.

- Why? - Sometimes you have to put some work in.

Whether you come in or not; you have to do the project; same as everybody else.

- I don't care about birds.

- Right.

Well; you wait here outside.

You stay right here; and don't move.

Elaine; why is there only one appointment this afternoon? You'll need the afternoon for travel.

That's a home visit up on Bodmin.

What? I told you.

The park ranger; he's been asking for a visit for weeks.

And I told you; if he's able-bodied; he should come in.

Dr Sim used to go to him; cos he's got this back They all have.

Tell him I'm busy; and I hate driving; and unless he's actually dying; would he be so kind as to come in here.

Now; this little fellow is a finch; and he's nearly ready to take his chances out in the wild.

They're seed-eating birds; these are; and this time of the year; there aren't many seeds around.

So we put out those lovely little tables so that there's plenty to eat.

Of course; they eat thistles and groundsel and other things.

Now; in Victorian times Other ear.

No.

No; it's just a virus.

Nothing to be done.

- It'll pass.

- OK.

What you gonna give me? - Nothing.

- Just an antibiotic? - No.

Just give it a couple of days.

- What? - It's a minor virus.

- At least I want an antibi.

An antibiotic would work if you had an infection; but you don't.

You have a minor virus.

Dr Sim always gave me an antibi.

Antibi never did anyone any harm.

Look.

I've got patients to see who might actually be ill; so I'll just say this once.

Firstly; antibiotics don't touch viruses.

Secondly; if you had an infection; you'd be well advised to fight it on your own; so that you can develop some natural immunity.

Thirdly; bacterial strains are becoming resistant to antibiotics in common usage; due to the overprescription by doctors; such as the late; great Jim Sim; dishing out antibiotics; in all probability; to whingers like you.

Off you go.

(coughs) Now; who'd like to come outside in my garden; and see if we can see Mr Blackcap having his lunch at my bird table? Let's go out.

Careful as you go down over those steps; they're quite dangerous.

OK? Oh! My bird tables.

(Louisa) Peter Cronk! Put down that feeder; and come up the stairs this minute.

What do you think you're doing? - (knock on door) - Come.

- Mark.

- Hi.

Hi there.

How are you? Fine.

What can I do for you? Me? No; I'm fine.

Fine.

I'm perky.

I won't bother you with why.

I've got a date; that's why.

Good.

Is that what you? There was one small thing.

As you know; I've not been hugely I've not been successful with people of the opposite sex.

And; er; lately Are you on email at all? Do you get those emails about Or is it just me? I-I've been wondering if maybe the problem is a size thing.

Apparently; no matter what a woman tells you; it does matter.

Er; take a seat.

Do you feel you have a problem? I don't know.

The showers is one thing; but you can't tell; so I was hoping you could tell me.

- I should refer you.

- I just thought you might know what's normal.

- There's a range of normality.

- I'm not talking You know.

It's not like I've measured; but I mean; do you think six? Six would be normal? I'd say six was normal; yeah.

Yeah.

Good.

That's that sorted.

Right.

- So sort of fiveish would be a bit - Not necessarily.

And a little bit less than five wouldn't be good; would it? I'd have to make enquiries.

If we'd been talking seven or eight; you wouldn't have to make enquiries; would you? I told you about that woman who said I was too gentle.

That wasn't what she meant.

I understand now.

Just as well I've been getting these.

Off the Internet.

Arm and a leg; mind.

Well; I wish you'd told me.

I could have got you these for what they're worth; which isn't much.

That's easy for you to say.

You haven't got my problem.

You haven't got a date with the woman of your dreams.

- Who's that? - Louisa.

- What makes you think that? - Think what? That the woman of my dreams Louisa.

Louisa is the woman of your dreams.

I've always From afar.

Too frightened to say anything.

Then; out of the blue; she invited me to the jamboree tonight.

She's so Have you noticed the way she moves? Sometimes I go by the school just in case I can catch a glimpse of her.

Well; I've got other patients to see; and I'm sure you're busy.

Don't forget your tablets.

- Wish me luck.

- Yeah.

I can't reach the ranger.

The phone's down.

- Thank you; Elaine.

- What was that? Can't reach the ranger.

Phone's down; innit? OK.

So he'll be expecting you.

OK.

Are those the patient's notes? Yeah.

I think the flood that time; um - But I can tell you about him.

- No.

Doesn't matter.

- You OK? - Yeah.

I quite fancy a drive in the country.

I thought you hated driving.

You know your car's at the garage? So it is.

Well; it's a nice enough day.

I'll walk down and get it.

Oh; wait.

Doc; I've not told you about him.

(drilling) Hello.

Hello.

It's me.

I can see it's you.

- I've come to collect my car.

- I can't hear you.

I brought my car in to have its front wheels looked at.

It's not ready yet.

- I have a patient to see.

- What's your problem? I need to get there.

A small extra charge; you can take the loan car.

Cream pick-up.

Go steady on the brakes.

In you come; Peter.

Peter; I could arrest you for criminal damage.

But I was thinking.

Bob in the lifeboat house has some woodworking tools.

Maybe you and I could spend some time in there.

Hm? Make a few bird tables.

I'd sooner be arrested.

- Mrs Cronk; thanks for coming in.

- I'm so sorry.

I don't know what gets into him.

I'll pay for Mrs Potter's tables.

It can come out of his pocket money.

You obviously haven't heard.

Several people in the village have had the same treatment.

Oh; no.

I'll k*ll him.

I don't have kids; but it seems kids are like the rest of us.

If he knows he's loved; he could do great things.

(man) Mrs Cronk.

Excuse me.

- You're more; erm - What? I don't know.

You're more gentle than I realised.

Gentle? Why do you say that? Miss Glasson's got a boyfriend.

Lucy Anne Holmes; behave yourself.

This way.

Come along; now.

So See you.

Later.

- Doc Martin? - Dr Ellingham; yes.

That's right.

I heard you liked your proper title.

I thought surgeons prided themselves on plain old "Mr".

I'm no longer a surgeon.

- I take it you're Mr James.

- Call me Stewart.

Come in.

Why is that; by the way? You know; no longer a surgeon? A personal choice.

Oh; yeah? Oh.

Well; thanks for coming.

Would you like some coffee? In future; unless you're incapacitated; you need to come to the surgery.

I can't leave here in the day.

- Well; let's hope you don't need a doctor; then.

- So it's true; then.

I don't appreciate having my time wasted; if that's what you mean.

I know; I know.

Look; I understand.

Portwenn must drive you mad.

Bloke like you.

Famously sharp mind.

Used to barking and everyone jumping.

Portwenn would be quite a shock.

I bet half the village came when you opened; to see what you'd done with the place.

They did.

And then there's the aggressive unhelpfulness of; erm Oh; what's the name of the receptionist? - Elaine.

- Oh; Elaine.

(chuckles) And the girls.

I mean Those girls that hang out giggling all the time.

- What is that about? - You're very perceptive.

Well; I suppose that's one reason I'm never in too much of a hurry to come into the village.

I mean; sometimes it can be a bit too much.

Too much.

- Strong black; no sugar.

- Oh; thank you.

- Shall we; um? - Yeah.

I could get lynched for this; but they can't make coffee here.

You just get brown water.

In my experience; you can get brown water straight from the tap.

- Portwenn should come with a manual.

- Yeah.

Then there's that neurotic cop.

Nice bloke; but you can't help thinking he sobs himself to sleep of an evening.

(imitates Mark) Another day; another failure to find a girlfriend.

I suppose you should tell me what the problem seems to be.

"One a day Six weeks Massive results.

" I'm sure you know from my records that the old doc used to prescribe me nitrazepam.

- Nitrazepam? - Yeah.

Are you suffering from insomnia or anxiety? Yeah; insomnia; anxiety.

Yeah; a lot of trouble sleeping.

Nitrazepam is a benzodiazepine.

They can be addictive.

- It could be time to change.

- I think How do you feel about sleeping with no medication at all? - No; that's just not possible.

- Forgive me.

We've just had a stimulating; stimulated conversation; and you don't strike me as being tired or anxious in any way.

OK; look.

The nitrazepam's not for me.

- It's for a friend.

- Oh; I see.

He's shy.

- What's his name? - Ant.

Anthony.

Well; tell Anthony I'd be happy to see him.

- Or you could just give me his nitrazepam.

- No; I can't do that.

- He's very; very anxious.

- Does he live here? Well; I mean; no.

I mean; not officially.

The trust owns the place; and we're Oh.

- He's your partner? - Yeah.

Yeah.

Well I mean; I look after him.

I mean; he's He worries.

And he's right to worry; cos there are greys everywhere.

- Greys? - They're everywhere.

They're very aggressive.

I mean; it's amazing there are any reds left at all.

Come on; everyone knows the reds live in constant fear of Did you see that? The audacity.

People think they're just a different colour.

People think they're cuddly.

They're the squirrel equivalent of the Nazis.

Erm Your friend Anthony is a squirrel? Yeah.

You know; there used to be three million reds in this country.

Three million.

Anthony's not just a squirrel.

He's a survivor.

And the least we can do is give him his tranquillisers.

I wish you didn't have to go; cos I was gonna put some curry on.

That's the other thing you can't get around here.

- We'll speak again.

Soon.

- You still haven't met Anthony.

Another time.

But you'll leave a prescription for him? I don't have a prescription pad with me.

Sorry.

OK.

- Change your mind? - No.

The gate's locked.

Good.

Cos we were really hitting if off earlier.

Yeah; have something to eat; then go.

Come on.

Maybe Anthony'll join us later.

It'll be a bit late for surgery by the time you get back; and; er; somehow I couldn't imagine you were going to the Portwenn Players dance.

- I am going.

- Are you? Oh.

Why? It sounds good.

Nah.

It's the annual meat market.

Oh; you'd hate it.

No.

As your new mate; I'm not letting you go to that.

- OK to get your tongue down someone's throat.

- Really? What; you don't know? Check your records.

It's the night half Portwenn's children are conceived.

Er; right; do excuse me.

Nature calls.

Mind if I use your phone when you're gone? Er; it's out of order; actually.

Yeah.

I had to call you from a phone box in Bodmin.

Oh.

Don't go away.

Oh; no.

I've just realised what I've done.

I've forgotten to offer you a drink.

What's your poison? Hi.

- Oh; hi; Mark.

- Louisa.

- You're looking good.

- You're looking good.

You said that.

I did.

As I'm here; I may as well update my records on you; Stewart.

Your full name; date of birth.

Stewart Edward James.

- And today's date; do you know that? - Don't you know what date it is? - Slipped my mind.

- It's the 21 st.

Of course it is; yes.

- And your health.

Any problems? - Not really.

- Illnesses? Traumas? - I took a b*llet in Bosnia.

- Really? - Yeah.

In the shoulder.

Friendly fire.

Tony bloody Bartlett.

We stopped being friendly after that; I can tell you.

Wonder if the big guy'll show.

It's polenta.

That's his favourite; you know? Feeding any six-foot squirrel on a ranger's salary - no walk in the park.

But this guy; he's just so fussy.

(man on TV) Excellent.

Onto the geography round now.

Your first question of three.

What is the capital of Mongolia? - Ulan Bator.

- (TV) I'm going to have to hurry you.

I'm really sorry about this.

I don't know what to say.

I think it may be because you're here.

When we're alone; he I mean; he clings to I can't go out at all in the day any more.

- Well; maybe I'd better go.

- No.

Pudding.

Um Do you need a prescription pad for his pills? Yes.

You couldn't just write a note? Cos you can write a cheque on an eggshell; can't you? Surely you can write a prescription on paper.

Er; no; I don't think that'd be allowed.

And anyway; if it were; I can't see old Mrs Tishell at the chemist's going for that; can you? You know what she's like.

True.

Yeah.

Oh; Portwenn.

Grr.

The sooner I can get back; the sooner I can sort all this out.

Yeah.

You know; you haven't got anything in your bag; have you? - No.

- Cos; er (chuckles) Doc Sim always had something for Anthony in his bag.

Ah.

I think I might have a little look in your bag.

Cos I don't believe you.

Calm down; Anthony.

Stewart.

Stewart.

Come on.

Let's have a drink of water.

Calm down.

I thought that I liked you.

I was really starting to like you; but now I'm actually not so sure.

Cos it's I get it.

You're treating me as if; as if Yeah.

You think Anthony is Is what? Some kind of figment of Anthony! Hey; hey! Hey.

Ooh! Hey; we've been worried about you; haven't we? Oh.

Anthony; this is Doc Martin.

Remember I was telling you about him? Anthony; Doc Martin.

Doctor Ellingham; Anthony.

Yeah; yeah.

He's not a surgeon any more.

Personal reasons.

Yeah.

There.

Take a load off.

Oh.

Finally; the evening begins.

Are you? Oh; yeah; sure.

Have mine.

I don't know.

How do you make yourself attractive to a squirrel? CI Stop it.

Climb up a tree and act like a nut.

- I really have to go now.

- Whoa; whoa.

What about Anthony's tranquillisers? I'll come back tomorrow.

Er; OK; yeah.

I'll see you out.

Hang on a minute.

Erm Erm Ant's a bit upset.

He says you haven't spoken a word to him.

- I don't speak squirrel.

- That's very funny.

I really think you should say something.

Anthony good to meet you.

Goodbye.

If that's the best you can do; then maybe you should go.

- The gate's locked.

- There's a key on a bit of orange string.

See yourself out.

Take it out the fridge; take it out the fridge Take it out the fridge; take it out the fridge; take it out the fridge Take it out the fridge; take it out the fridge - Dance? - Not this one.

I do like to dance.

Feel your body move.

- Really? - I didn't mean your body.

I can't do that tonight; if that's what you I'll have to wait a few weeks - Mark.

- Not that I've got a disease or anything.

- Mark.

- You know when you invited me? I thought; "God; you're brave.

" I mean; I've always wanted to invite; you know; for years.

- But I've never had the courage to - Mark.

I think I've got to say straightaway that (band plays a funk riff) Let's dance to this one.

This is interesting.

I think I may just have a very serious misunderstanding on my hands.

Come on.

Well; is there a duty CPN there? Because I want to get this man sectioned as soon as possible.

No.

No.

I don't want to involve the local police.

Mind your own business.

(band performs "Celebration") A celebration to last throughout the years So bring your good times And your laughter; too We're gonna celebrate your party with you - Come on now - Celebration Let's all celebrate and have a good time Celebration We're gonna celebrate and have a good time It's time to come together It's up to you What's your pleasure? Everyone around the world; come on Whoo hoo That's it; boy.

I always knew young Mark had it in him.

Most people don't realise that I also am a dancer.

But I don't want to steal anybody's thunder.

No; that wouldn't be right.

That wouldn't be fair.

It's a celebration Celebrate good times; come on Let's celebrate Mark; that was great.

You were amazing.

Don't tell anyone; but I practise a bit sometimes.

In the station; when it's quiet.

(inaudible) After tonight; your secret's out.

- Speaking of secrets; can I say something? - Mark I think you're really nice.

I've always thought that.

I Mark; can we have a chat? - Cat? No; I'm a dog person.

- No; I said; in a minute; can we have a What's the matter? - What's going on; Marty? - I needed to talk to Mark.

You needed to talk to him or you needed to interrupt him? I needed his help to section a man under Section 136 of the Mental Health Act.

Then you saw him with Louisa; and you don't need his help.

- I'll get a psychiatric nurse in the morning.

- Yes.

She should make you feel much better.

Excuse me.

Bloody hell.

- Hey; Doc.

What have you said to Stewart? - What? - The ranger.

- What do you mean; "What have I said?" - You must have said something to him.

- Even if I had; I'm sure you realise Get off.

I couldn't divulge a conversation between doctor and patient.

Yeah; well; he's gone crazy down the back of Playstreet Lane.

Completely Bodmin.

Come on.

Excuse me.

- I can't see anything.

- (Al) That's Beckett's security light; on a timer.

- (Stewart) They feed and they breed on this! - Al; go down to the hall and get PC Mylow.

- (man) Someone's already gone.

- (woman) My feeder.

You went to see him.

What have you said to him? I haven't said anything.

I visited him.

- You must have said something.

He's upset.

- (woman #2) He's never done this before.

I simply refused to give him inappropriate medication.

Thanks.

Now go and look at my garden.

- He didn't give Stewart his medication.

- That's marvellous; that is.

Well done.

- It wasn't Stewart's medication.

It was for - Bird tables! Bird feeders! - (woman #2) What's got into him? - I'll tell you what.

He's suffering delusions.

He thinks he lives with a giant squirrel.

That's why I didn't give him the medication; cos he thought it was for his big friend.

- Anthony.

- Yes.

Well; that's nothing new.

We've had Anthony for years.

You go along with him; Stewart's fine.

- Just a bit of tolerance.

- That's true; that is; innit; boy? How do you think Anthony feels; huh? Knowing the greys come into the village to feed? He's actually very clever; Stewart.

People don't realise it; Doc.

He's not exactly distinguishing himself at the moment.

You haven't given him something he needs.

- Doc Sim used to give him what he needed.

- (Bert) That's right; Jessie; he did; didn't he? Stewart.

It's all right.

It's Dr Ellingham.

The predator doesn't know what it's like to be the hunted one.

He does his job with the satisfaction of knowing he's the stronger one; the right one.

Because in a fight; the stronger one's always the right one.

He doesn't know what it's like to live in fear.

To have the danger.

At any moment; the possibility of the enemy's pounce at your back.

Cos if he did know; if he thought about it; he'd be I promise you; he wouldn't be able to live with himself.

How would he live with himself? Stewart.

It's Mark here.

How are you; my friend? Having a smashing time? Stewart? Stewart.

Stewart.

- No; he's gone; Doc.

- (car engine) (man) Show's over.

(Mark) Didn't you go and see him? What have you done? - (Louisa) Poor Stewart.

- He was in Bosnia; you know.

- Yes; I did know that.

- Yeah; well; we cut him plenty of slack.

- Mind you; at least we know one thing.

- And what's that? We blamed young Peter Cronk for something he didn't do.

I'll go and see him in the morning.

It's awful to have misunderstandings.

- Night.

- Night.

Er; Mark.

I might need your help in the morning.

Something's got to be done about Stewart.

OK.

Night.

(door bell) - Now what's he done? - Nothing; Mrs Cronk.

Absolutely nothing.

Come in.

Come in.

Miss Glasson's here to see you.

Peter.

(gasps) He's not there.

Stewart stops by Portwenn now and then.

We don't normally have a problem.

I wouldn't be surprised if his next stop was a spell in a psychiatric ward.

- There's not a creative solution? - No; I don't think so.

I find with Portwenn; creative solutions are more effective.

- Yeah.

- We can't do what Doc Sim did for Stewart? His condition's clearly changed.

Or is it his doctor? The mystery of medicine.

Everybody comes to you for an opinion; but when you give that opinion; nobody wants it.

The man thinks he lives with a giant squirrel.

He needs help.

Sorry.

On a more cheerful note; I had a good night last night.

Had a bit of a breakthrough.

Louisa; fantastic physique; all the moves.

We had a great laugh.

But it's nothing more.

I don't fancy her.

I just hope she's not disappointed.

You can't force it; though.

I've got to wait for the right one to come along.

Mind you; that gives me time to sort out the; er Er Er; let me help.

You disapprove; I know.

Mark; um they're placebos.

Yeah; well.

Even placebos work; don't they? - You mean the placebo effect? - Call it what you like.

Long as it's an effect.

No; you don't understand.

That's not what a placebo I mean; that's not what it means.

No; it doesn't matter.

Morning.

So; give me a shout if you need a hand.

Well; I do.

I do need a hand.

I can't bring him in on a 136 unless I find him in a public place.

That's the Mental Health Act.

- Why didn't you tell me? - I'll be right here if there's a problem.

- Hi; Stewart.

All right? - All right? Doc Martin wants a word.

Hi; Doc.

I've gone over the top; haven't I? Yeah.

Yeah; you have.

I'd like to take you into Portwenn.

Find someone to come along; give you the help you need.

Yeah.

I think it could be the Bosnia thing; you know? I saw some heavy I mean; I did some heavy stuff.

I guess I'm just a tiny bit fragile; and the slightest thing can set me off.

To be honest - sounds; smells.

I mean; I just go to pieces.

A smell can put me right back there.

I mean; you can't imagine.

No; I can; actually.

Well; that's the thing about this place; isn't it? If you're gonna be fragile; this is the place to be.

Anthony's been a real support.

I know he probably won't be around when I'm stronger; but right now I'm really glad that he is.

I need to start on some replacements for the things that I broke.

Look; we can sort this out between us; can't we? Let's have another cup of coffee; shall we? I've been looking at your patient notes.

The tablets Dr Sim used to give you; you were taking them; weren't you? Did they help? - Kept me just this side of Bodmin.

- Yeah.

Right.

Well; you're clearly a patient that responds well to the correct prescribed medicine.

- Nitrazepam? - No; these are a little bit more sophisticated.

You take one every 24 hours.

It's important that you don't exceed that dosage.

- Wow; that strong? - Fast-acting; too.

Shall I get you some water? No; no; no.

I'll just; you know.

Magicians; these chemists.

Mm.

Stewart; if I could find the right therapist; do you think you'd go and see them? Sure.

Yeah; yeah; yeah.

I would.

All right.

Well; for the time being; I'll pop back tomorrow.

In the meantime; you get this phone fixed; yeah? Right; yeah.

Yeah.

All right? Fine.

- Change your mind? - I thought we could defer a decision.

I'll keep a close eye on him.

In the meantime; he's got what he wanted.

What's that? Tranquillisers? It seems my predecessor was savvier than I thought.

Far as I can make out from Stewart's records; what Dr Sim was bringing him was actually vitamin tablets.

(Mark) What the? Oi! Peter! Peter.

You all right? Peter; go and grab yourself a seat over there.

Excuse me a minute.

I'd probably better let her down now.

Hi.

Let's have another look at your wrist.

Nobody wants me here.

They all g*ng up on me.

Make a fist.

We all feel left out from time to time; Peter.

What do you know? I know there's nothing wrong with your wrist.

I could have told you that.

It's a grade one mild sprain.

The ligament's stretched; but not broken.

People think I'm being rude; but I'm not.

I'm just saying what's in my head; you know? Yeah.

I do know.

Took it pretty well.

Well.

You deserved better; and I'm sorry.

But why didn't you just say? Why do you never speak up for yourself? Oh; son.

Oh; love.

Oh.

Thanks; Mark.

Listen; I I hope you don't mind me saying; but I reckon Portwenn's having an effect on you.

That was a good call today with Stewart.

I think the locals will appreciate it.

Then you won't mind me saying that I don't actually carry vitamins; but luckily for Stewart; you do.

- What? - Your; um; enlargement tablets.

"Ascorbic acid; d-alpha tocopherol; pyridoxine.

" They're multivitamins.

You can't do that.

They got That's not ethical.

You'll get over it Big boy.