02x07 - Out of the Woods

[bunniefuu]

(Dog barks) (Dog barks and whines) (Dog barks and whines) (Whines and barks) - Go away.

- (Dog barks) - Go away! - (Barks) Go away! All right, Doc? Lovely weather.

Another cr*cker of a day.

Mind you, always is round here.

Except last week.

Tuesday, was it? - l have surgery.

Did you want something? - My duvet cover got a right soaking.

- What? - lt was on the line.

- Oh.

- Doc? - You know Julie and l are getting married.

- Yes.

All a bit of a rush.

Julie doesn't wanna wait, l don't mind.

Less time to change her mind.

Anyway, l was wondering, will you be my best man? No.

Oh.

(Whines) (Sea surging) (Seagulls cry) - So how much is the rent, then? - (Chuckles) None of your business.

l don't charge you rent, boy.

- (Chuckles) Oh, good God! - (Creaking) - Needs a bit of work.

- You can say that again.

Careful of that floorboard.

lt's, erm Well, it's not there.

lt's ait's a fixer-upper.

(Creaking) A fixer-upper.

- Hi, Mark.

- Oh.

Hi, Louisa.

- Did you get your invite to the wedding? - Yes, thank you.

Only it might be difficult for you to come along, what with - Why? - our history and everything.

- But l'd like to be there.

- Oh.

Thanks, Louisa.

That's the spirit.

Water under the bridge, eh? - Are you all right, Mark? - Me? Yeah, no, fine.

Just, umthe doc.

- l asked him to be my best man, but - Oh, dear.

- Have l done something to annoy him? - l doubt it.

You know him better than anyone else round here.

l haven't spoken to him recently.

Just try not to take it personally.

He isn't one to explain his ways, but sometimes it seems like he's beingwell, rude.

- Yes, he is rude.

- (Boy) Now watch this.

James White! Mark, you're gonna find someone else.

Just get to school! Right now.

And you.

l'llsee you later.

George.

Come on.

(Sighs) (Door opens) You can go in now.

- Hey.

- What? Chewing gum.

Put it back in your mouth or in the bin.

You are kidding me, right? Don't make me get out from behind this desk.

(Toddler warbles and laughs) (Chewing) - How did it happen? - l dunno.

lt was just a sting.

- Hurts like a bugger, yeah? - Stings are usually caused by something.

- What was it? - l dunno.

- What time was it? - l dunno.

- Where were you? - l dunno.

Right, so you were stung by something some time, at place you can't remember.

- Yeah.

- Good.

The wedding is in two weeks.

You're just gonna have to find another best man, Mark.

l just really thought the doc would say yes.

- All right, Al? - Mark.

Julie.

- How you doing? - l was about to take it down to the garage.

l mean, right this minute.

l said to myself, ''Need to get a new MOT done''.

l know you're only doing your duty.

lt doesn't mean it's not road-worthy.

We get on well, don't we? We have a laugh in the pub.

We're in the same quiz team.

Yeah.

- You know how we're getting married? - Yeah.

Al, l'dl'd like you to be my best man.

Best man? Er, yeah.

Sure.

- Really? - (Snorts) - lsn't that fantastic? - That is fantastic.

- l'll tell you about what to wear and stuff.

- Oh, right, yeah.

You wouldn't fine your best man for having an overdue MOT, would you? Don't worry about that.

And don't worry about the stag do.

l've got it all planned.

Heading out to the woods, sleeping rough, under the stars.

- How's Saturday sound? - Saturday? That's a date, then.

All men together into the great wilderness.

lt's what l've always wanted to do.

(Sighs) - Who's next? - (Pauline) We've got two more weevers in.

- What's a weever? - (Boy) A fish.

- A what? - A fish.

lt's an identical sting to an earlier patient.

Nasty, those are.

Wouldn't wanna be stung by one again.

- You're familiar with them? - Yeah.

They got poisonous spikes, and when you step on them it's agony.

Just soak your foot in hot water and it'll be all right.

You can deal with that, then.

l have patients to see.

- Louisa.

- Martin.

Hi, Joey.

Miss Glasson, l'm on a study break.

lf you were still my student, l'd fail you for that excuse.

You're in a doctor's surgery.

Martin, a word.

Take this.

- Unless it's an absolute emergency - l would consider it an emergency of sorts.

You might not think you're a part of this village, but you are.

We're a small community, almost a family.

Sometimes people feel a little put out by you.

Sometimes they feel you don't care.

lt's about time someone told you that.

Now if you'll excuse me, l've got a job to get back to.

- l didn't say what l was talking about, did l? - No.

No.

Well, l bumped into Mark this morning and he's quite upset.

l can't be best man.

Apart from the fact he's the policeman, l know nothing about him.

- Because you never bothered to ask him! - Because l'm not remotely interested.

Are you? MartinMark likes you and you've upset him.

By the way, Danny is doing very well.

Thank you for saving his life.

You're welcome.

Hello, boy.

Thought l'd drop by, see how you're settling in.

- Yeah.

Cup of tea? - Oh, thank you very much.

(Chuckles) l see you've got a problem with the plumbing, then, eh? That don't matter, does it? 'Cause the electrics don't work either.

(Creaking) Look, son, make a proper job of the wiring, right? Then get the pipes flowing freely.

And do a bit of plastering.

We could have this place looking like the Ritz-Carlton.

- We? - Large & Son can do anything.

- Dad.

- Son.

You remember moving into your first place? l lived at home until l met your mother and we got married and moved in together.

l've never lived alone before.

l hear you're gonna be Mark's best man! So, is it gonna be some big stag-night do? lt's just that l bumped into him recently and he didn't mention it.

Well, you wouldn't wanna go.

He's got some idea about camping out in the woods.

- Oh.

- You've got your back to think about.

Oh, l see, all that tramping about.

Yeah.

- Better stay in my natural habitat, then, eh? - Mm.

l'll go up the school fête on Saturday, see if l can pick you up a house-warming present.

Look, if you wanna do something, there are still some boxes at homewell, your place, that need to be moved in.

Consider it done.

- Just the boxes, though, yeah? - Just the boxes.

- Just the boxes, yeah? - Just the boxes.

Right.

Bye.

All right, Doc? Mark.

There's something fishy going on here.

What? Oh, right.

Yeah.

l just wanted you to know, l've asked Al to be my best man.

Oh.

Good.

Good.

But you're coming on the stag weekend, so best pack your canteen.

- What? - A canteen full of whisky.

Er, no.

- You'll have a grand time.

- l won't.

Trees.

Grass.

Starry nights.

Be good for your soul, Doc.

lnsects.

Lying on the ground.

Bad food, worse hygiene.

That's not good for my soul, Mark.

- That's a no, then, Doc? - Yes, it is.

(Seagulls cry) - miles an hour.

- Definitely.

Oi! You got a camera, perv? (Laughter) Has anybody got a light? Three, two, one! (Laughter) (Cheering and laughter) - Ah, morning.

- Yeah.

lt is soon.

- Where is everyone? - We had a few call-offs.

- A few? - Danny is still at the hospital.

Dave, John and Robin are up at the quizmaster final in Bodmin.

As for the doc Well, he's just the doc, isn't he? So, it's just you and me? - Which in many ways is an advantage.

- Because? Say we catch a rabbit or something for dinner, there's, erthere's more to go round.

- ls that all you've brought? - Yeah.

- Al, we're going overnight.

- Yeah, l know.

(Yawns) (Mark) Lovely day, innit? The sun rushing to greet us.

The sky a spreading blue blanket.

Mm.

(Woman) l've been up since five.

l'm already tired.

(Man) A bit higher.

(Woman) That'll do.

l, erhear Al's gonna be best man.

Yes, so l gather.

That's a happy ending, then.

lt still doesn't excuse what you did, Martin.

- That's come down, now.

- Well, could you pick it up, please? Yes, of course.

Hey, get it on, Doc! Oh, nice one, Miss! Better leave 'em to it.

(Laughter) This looks good.

- Ever been here before? - No.

That's half the fun, isn't it? - Have you ever been camping before? - Yeah.

Not wild camping, not since Sea Scouts, but - (Beeping) - Hold on.

Pauline.

- Reception here's rubbish, innit? - Al, leave your mobile phone in the car.

- Why? - We're getting back to nature, aren't we? lt undermines it a little bit, if you're gonna be on the phone the whole time.

Come on.

(Sighs) (Chatter) Oh, thank you, Martin.

l'd better get these back or Danny'll have a fit.

He's a stickler when it comes to his tools.

l bet he is.

- (Clattering) - Oh, right.

Always knew you had that community spirit deep down in you, Doc.

Very deep down.

Stop by my stall.

Doing henna tattoos and hair-braiding.

- l'll give you a discount if you're nice to me.

- Yes.

l'll be off, then.

Could you help me with one more thing? (Birdsong) This is the life.

No cars.

No traffic.

No people.

Always wanted to be in the Army.

Something real about getting out there.

- lt's never too late.

- lt is.

Failed the medical.

They said l could get a position in admin.

Who wants that? No.

Gotta be where the action is.

So, what exactly are we gonna do? You know, things.

Men things.

What, likewrestling? No.

Not unless you really want to wrestle.

(Mark sighs) Here you are.

Come on.

(Man on tannoy) The Portwenn Silver Band will commence playing in 20 minutes.

There, that should do it.

- Nice legs, Doc.

- (Laughter) - My kids did these.

- Oh.

- lt looks like a horse.

- No, it's a church.

- Church? lt's not very good, is it? - lt was done by a four-year-old.

Looks like a horse.

- Doc.

Jack, on the beach.

- What is it? Weever.

- You can find your own bowl of hot water.

- He's choking.

An alternative remedy is to urinate on the sting.

- He can hardly breathe or nothing! - Martin.

Pauline! Fetch my medical bag and meet me on the beach! (Joey) Come on, Doc! (Wheezing) - We weren't doing anything.

- They're not supposed to be poisonous.

(Wheezing) He's in anaphylactic shock.

lt's a bad reaction to the sting.

ls he gonna die? Yeah, unless he gets an immediate injection of adrenalin.

lt's just a game.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

Where's Pauline? We found a weever and we thought, you knowsee who could take the pain.

That is the most irresponsible thing l have ever heard.

(Joey) He's gonna be OK, though, ain't he? (Gasping) - Yeah, that's better.

- Got one of those for me, then, Doc? - No harm done, right? - What were you thinking? Whose idea was this, Joey? Are you stupid? Maybe next time you'll get lucky and there won't be anyone to help, and he'll die.

That'd be funny, wouldn't it? Wouldn't it? We need a good spot for a base camp.

Somewhere to pitch our tent.

Make our camp-fire.

- Haven't we been here before? - That's a typical rookie mistake there, Al.

Yeah, we have, yeah.

Yeah, remember that tree.

You said it looked like your dad.

- Ah.

Must have taken a wrong turn.

- Yeah.

Let me look at the map.

This is the lake district.

We're lost.

No, we're not.

Nature has a way of showing us where we are.

You've just got to learn to read the signs.

(Bert grunts) (Grunts) (Tap squeaks) Ah.

(Whispers) There we go.

(Whirring) (lnsect buzzes) - Ah.

Right.

- (Buzzing stops) Base camp.

This would be a good spot to pitch our tent.

- All looks the same to me.

- Yeah, to the untrained eye.

Ah! Ah, that hits the spot.

When did you undergo a woodland survival course? l remember from Scout camp.

We should clear the area of any debris, then begin collecting wood and bracken to start a fire.

Bracken.

l don't see any dry bracken.

We'd be better off finding a way out of here.

l don't fancy a weekend lost in the woods.

We've only been here two hours.

lt's my stag weekend, and l say we pitch tent here.

l know what l'm doing.

l know exactly what l'm doing.

Aahhh! Oh! Ah! Ah! Oh! Oh! Ah! Ah! - That was a snake! Did it bite you? - Ahhh! - Are you all right? Ah, no.

- Hfff! - Adders aren't lethal, are they? - l dunno.

Nah.

Just pop my shoe back on and we can keep going.

We don't even know where we are.

- You're panicking.

ln a m*llitary situation - lt's not a m*llitary situation.

l'm not gonna let a little setback like this ruin my stag party.

(Retching) - Ah.

- (Coughing) Look, maybe l should call Pauline.

Get her to contact the doc, eh? l thought you were gonna leave the phone in the car.

- lt's just as well l didn't listen to you, innit? - (Crows caw) Reception's rubbish here.

l'm gonna have to move to find some, OK? OK.

You should sing so l know where you are.

- Sing? - Yeah.

Er, that song from Titanic.

What about, erm Grand Old Duke of York? OK.

l'll be back in a minute.

Oh, the Grand old Duke of York - He had ten thousand men - l'll just keep an eye on base camp, yeah? He marched 'em up to the top of the hill then he marched 'em down again And when they were up, they were up - When they were down, they were down - Down, they were down (Both) When they were only halfway up - They were neither up nor down - Neither up nor down - That's good.

That'll do.

- You'll be all right, Jack, just l'm glad you're here.

- Well, that makes a change, l suppose.

- Well of course l'm glad.

You know Doc! Doc! Al.

lt's important.

- Al? Slow down.

- lt's Al.

We're at lt's Mark.

He's been bitten.

l think it was an adder.

- Hello? - Hello? - Where are you? - He was bitten and then he was sick.

He vomited? Make him lie on the ground.

l'll get an ambulance.

Where are you? Erwe passed the lake opposite West Point maybe five or ten minutes before we came into the woods.

l dunno.

Al, how can l get an ambulance to you if l don't know where you are? l dunno, but he needs help.

l'll just find you.

Make sure he lies still.

He could have suffered an allergic reaction.

How's his breathing? Any tightness in his chestor dizzi Doc? Doc, he needs help! Al.

Al? Damn.

l need to get to West Point.

- l don't know how you get there.

- lt's about 40 minutes from here.

Why? Mark Mylow's been bitten by a snake in the woods near there.

Stewart can help.

He's the ranger for that area.

- His best friend is a six-foot squirrel.

- Yeah, but if anyone knows that area l'd better tell Julie.

Get Stewart's number, and l'll go to Mrs Tishell and get some adrenalin pens.

Well, you stopped singing.

Doc says you should stay still.

Yeah, well, l was sick again.

Oh.

That's not good, is it? - Hi, Doc.

- Hello, Stewart.

- We in a hurry? - Yes.

According to Al, he's about ten minutes past the lake and West Point.

- D'you know where that is? - Er, yeah! Yeah.

So Mark has finally found his fair maiden, then, eh? l had him down as one of those mail-order-bride types.

- He may have suffered an allergic reaction.

- Doesn't like sound much fun.

He could go into anaphylactic shock, which'd be the second case l've had today.

lf he does, he's got 30 minutes to live.

So, no, l don't suppose it is that much fun.

Hold on to your stethoscope, Doc.

(Crackling) (Stewart) Officer Dibble give you anything more than the lake opposite West Point? - No.

- Well, there's a lot of trees out there.

But we'll find him.

And how are you, Stewart? Haven't seen you for a while.

Still taking your medication? Spend most of my days by myself.

Bit like solitary confinement, really.

Just me and my thoughts, week in, week out.

lt's wondertul.

And what about, eryour friend, what's-his-name? The big squirrel.

Come on, Doc.

l don't see Anthony any more.

Good.

That's good.

Sounds like you made a complete recovery.

Yeah, l threw him out.

He was taking me for granted.

l wonder if Julie felt anything.

They say when people have a connection sometimes they feel what the other one feels.

lsn't that twins? She's probably at home now looking at wedding catalogues.

- You really love her, don't you? - Yeah.

Yeah.

Whirlwind romance, eh? Everyone thinks l'm rushing into it, but they don't lt's likewhen l used to finish work, go home, watch some telly till l just fell asleep.

Now l get to watch it with her.

lt's different.

Better.

- (Chuckles) - (Bird screeches) Haven't been out this way in a while.

Bit of a problem with poachers, taking up a lot of my time.

lt's w*r, Doc.

Slashed the tyres on this the other week.

Eeh! Eeh, eeh, eeh, eeh! Ha! So much for a quiet life, eh? - l don't like this.

- Hm? (Gasping) l don't like this any more.

We should go.

Mark, we should just wait for the doc.

Stay there.

Come back, mate.

- Trust me, it'll be OK.

l'll look after you.

- (Gasping) You can't even look after yourself, Al.

Actually, yes, l can.

l'm sick of people assuming that l can't.

lt's been me that's been looking after Dad.

So you either shut up, lie still, or you can see how you get on without me.

(Mark gasping) Thanks.

No problem.

(Stewart) The cloud's coming in.

Where did you get your suit from? ls that off the peg, or did you have that fitted? lt's a long time since a ranger wore a suit on this job, of course.

Offices do ''Dress-down Friday''.

Some of the rangers want to bring it in, but why? They live in the middle of nowhere.

That's actually five minutes from the lake and West Point.

We are driving faster than Mark would have driven.

He strikes me as a cautious driver.

- Stewart, you're talking a lot.

- Really? Oh.

Sorry.

l Not used to the company, l suppose.

Actually, there was that fork in the road back there.

Are you a fan of Frost, at all? - The Road Less Travelled, and all that? - No.

With moors this large, and so many different woodlands, you could travel round for a week and we still wouldn't find him.

lt's a classic needle-in-a-haystack situation.

- There they are.

- Right, great, fantastic.

Knew we'd do it.

(Horn toots) (Crows caw) - (Toots horn) - This is recent.

Maybe today.

Maybe yesterday.

Do Al and Mark smoke? No.

lt's the bloody poachers.

- This is getting out of hand.

- We don't have time for this.

l've beaten a tactical retreat, surrendered some territory.

But only to confuse them.

Why d'you need a shotgun? Well, don't worry, Doc.

lt's not loaded.

Mark! - Al! - (Click) l'll have to try and find reception.

- Don't even think of moving, eh? - Don't forget to sing.

Oh, the Grand old Duke of York He had ten thousand men, he marched them up to the top of the hill (Phone rings) lt's the doc! Mark! lt's the doc.

l told you it would be all right.

Yes, Doc? Doc? l'm with Stewart the park ranger.

We don't know what direction you're in.

- Try shouting.

- Doc! Try again.

No, we're still not close enough.

How's Mark getting on? - He's been sick again.

- That's not good.

- He's pale and sweating.

- That's not good.

- We should make a move.

- No.

You'll know if he's getting worse.

His tongue and his face will swell and he'll stop breathing and he'll die.

Al? Al? Bugger.

l hope l don't have to cancel the wedding.

The church is booked and everything.

lf you're worried about your deposit, you can always switch to a funeral.

Sorry.

You know, l'm just l'm going out of my mind about Mark.

(Chirpy ringtone) Doc? Oh.

ls that bad? There's no need to shout! We can get the whole village up there and we can organise a search party.

- We can get the whole village up there - No, Mark doesn't have that much time.

Keep trying Al.

When you get through tell him to stay where he is, then call me.

- Now, where are we going? - This way.

l think.

- Oh.

Oh! - Stewart.

- Careful.

- lf you get us lost l won't.

l know where we've come from, we're sweeping through the areas.

Used to do this in the Army.

You'd think they'd know better, wouldn't you? - Who? - The poachers.

l mean, if l was gonna tangle with someone l wouldn't choose a former member of Her Majesty's Armed Forces.

Right.

(Birds screech) We're out of here.

Not gonna wait for the doc.

(Grunts) Portwenn has to be roughly to the south, yeah? And the sun rises in the east and sets in the west.

Which makes Well, it's three o'clock.

Which makes the van that way.

What do you think, Mark? Mark? Mark? lt's your turn to make the tea, Julie.

D'you hear that? - No, l didn't hear.

- Ssshh! There.

That.

Al! - No, l didn't hear anything.

- lt's the poachers.

We should take the offensive, catch 'em off guard.

- No.

Stewart, we have to find Mark.

- People don't die in the woods in England.

Stewart, focus.

Which direction is Mark in? l'm trying to apprehend criminals here.

He's a policeman.

He'd want that.

Stewart.

Which way? - That way! - Thank you! (Sighs) Tosser.

Mark? You all right? Get to the doc.

l know, but we might not have time to find the doc.

So we're gonna get you to a hospital and they can fix you up.

Come on, stay with me.

Talk to me, mate.

Tell me something.

Tell me about, erJulie.

- She'sshe's got a smile.

- She's got a what? - Sorry, mate.

- Got a smile.

(Crunch) Listen.

Hello? (Stewart) Hello! - Who's there? - lt's me! Stewart.

Stewart, come out here! - Where's the doc? - Hi, Mark.

Me and the doc got split up.

You know we're not alone, don't you? There's poachers everywhere.

Stewart, come here.

Look at him.

Look at him! He is gonna die, and you are the only man around that can save him.

Now, where is the doc? Well, we came from that way so, logically, the doc must be Somewhere else.

lt's just a process of elimination.

Stewart.

Where's the doctor? Where did you last see him? Yeah, that way! Give me a hand.

Come on.

- Mark, stay with me.

Not long to go.

- (Mark moans) Come on, mate.

What about Julie? Ooh! Mark! Al! (Phone rings) - Al? - (Pauline) lt's me.

Still nothing on Al.

Well, get off the phone, then.

Al! Where the hell are they? l need a cup of tea.

- Anyone else? - No, thanks.

OK.

She's taking this well.

(Al grunts) Come on.

So, just keep going straight.

We can get to the clearing, turn left, can't miss him.

Ah, you're gonna have to go ahead and get the doc.

l can't move him fast enough.

- What, me? - Yes, you! Can't you? lt's not as if Mark's going anywhere.

(Chuckles) Just You know he never invited me to the wedding, don't you? l mean, it's fine, you know, l'm busy.

l couldn't have made it anyway.

(Crunch) Checkmate.

- You put your hands where l can see them! - Stewart? Don't move! Don't take another step or you'll be in a world of pain! Stewart, don't sh**t me! What? Oh, right.

Yeah, yeah.

This, yeah, sure.

But down at your feet! Poacher traps.

They're everywhere! Oh.

Thank you.

Good news.

l've found Mark.

Where is he? Oh, don't worry.

l've memorised the route.

- Aghhh! - (Flutter of wings) (Crows caw) Come on.

Ooh.

Oh, God, l can't l can't believe l did that.

Ha-ha! l've never done that before.

Ha-ha! They're really strong! - Ho-ho! lt really hurts! - OK.

When l say so, pull your leg out.

(Panting and grunting) - Yaaargh! - Aargh! - Oh! Are you all right, Doc? Doc? - Oh.

- Are you OK? D'you want me to help? - No! - All right, help.

- OK.

Let's not have any more mishaps.

Right, on my count.

One, two, three.

- Hah! - Aghh! Aaghhh! Aaghhh! Doc! - Oh! Oh! - Oh! That was a good one.

That was a good one.

(Al grunting) Doc! Stewart! (Stewart) Ooh.

(Chuckling) l'm a right idiot, aren't l? (Stewart sighs) lt's tingling a bit.

(Al) Stewart! Doc! Al! Ah, Doc! Doc! - Doc! - Stewart, can you finish that off? (Panting and chuckling) Ah! Oh, Doc! Mark.

Can you hear me? Mark? Right, l need to get to his shoulder.

Sure.

Yeah.

Come on.

Come on.

Ah, Doc.

l knew you'd show up.

You're very lucky, Mark.

ls that 'cause l'm getting married? Yes, Mark.

- l'll take Mark in the police car.

- l haven't got them.

- What? - (Mark) The keys.

Better look after the wedding rings.

You can't be trusted.

Why don't you all pile into mine? Stewart.

Al.

Someone else will have to drive.

- Mark, l was so worried about you.

- Sorry.

Just a bit of harmless fun, innit? That's what stag weekends are all about.

Mm.

Oh! Haven't been to Portwenn in a while.

Think l might pop into town, check out the No, there's too many people.

l think l'll go back home.

Stewart, l need to re-dress your wound first.

- Oh, right.

Can l watch the telly? - Er, yeah.

Mark? l have to check you over.

Then you can take him home.

Come on.

(Pauline) Come on, l'll make you a cuppa.

Oh, here, Doc? l think l need to see you about my back again.

lt's gone, you know.

Join the queue, Bert.

- You been fixing things in the flat again? - Don't worry.

Everything's under control.

- Remember l said just the boxes? - Now, look, boy.

You might have to stay with me for a couple of nights, that's all.

So, did youhave a good time, then? Yes, yes.

Plenty of fresh air, man traps, poisonous snakes.

All quite charming.

l wasl was worried.

So was l.

Yeah, his condition was almost Well, it was.

lt was critical, yeah.

No, l know.

l mean l was worried about you.

- Doc? - ln a minute, Stewart.

Right.

lt's just, l am dripping blood all over your floor.

- Oh.

Erm, excuse me.

Sorry.

- Yeah.