09x07 - The Perfect Twins

[bunniefuu]

[ whirring]

[ snoring]

Whoa!

[ whirring]

[ kids laughing]

[ dog barks]

[ giggles]

[ whirring]

[ squeals]

[ Betty chuckles]

Who'd have thunk it, Deed?

Imagine-- me
with a British relative!

"My mother's great-aunt was your
great-uncle's second cousin."

Jeez, we're almost sisters!

And guess what!

This Winifred's
got twins

the same age
as Phil and Lil!

Isn't that wonderful?

And they're coming to meet us
in three weeks.

Phil, Lil?

Guess what!

You got twin cousins,
Smedley and Hedley,

and they're coming
to see us

from all the way
across the ocean!

I'm going to round up
my whole clan

for a big family to-do.

Of course you
and the g*ng will come.

Wow, you guys got
some new cousins.

Um, Smelly and Headleak.

Yeah! And they're twins.

I wonder
why your cousins

is coming from
the ocean, you guys.

Hey, maybe
they're fishies!

Well, I'm just glad
they're twins

like me and Phil.

Even if they is fishies.

Whoa.

I never knew
looking at clothes

could make you dizzy.

I like it.

It's colorlyful.

[ doorbell rings]

Winifred!

Yup-- you got
the family
bone structure.

[ back cracking]

Not for long...

Betty?

In the flesh!

And don't tell me--

Cedric?

And Hedley
and Smedley.

Aw, aren't you cute in your
little outfits that...

aren't
the same?

One must dress twins differently
to foster individuality.

Uh-huh.

Well, come on in.

Howie!

Ah, yes.

WINIFRED:
The man
of the house.

Hello.

Ah, hello.

[ in thick
British accent]:
A pleasure

to make
your acquaintance.

He says it's
a pleasure to make
your acquaintance.

BOTH:
Oh.

I was wondering
where I left that.

I think that was
mine, Phillip.

Nuh-uh, Lillian.

[ gasps]

BETTY:
Where's a camera

when you
need one, huh?

[ laughs]

[ Lil and Phil arguing]

Phil, Lil, meet
Smedley and Hedley.

Uh, dears, look
but don't touch.

Uh, here's a bunch of toys.

You pups get acquainted
and have fun.

You poor,
poor dear.

What say we discuss
twin-rearing

over a nice
pot of tea?

So who's Smelly
and who's Hedgeleaf?

I'm Smedley.

And I'm Hedley.

BOTH:
Pleased to meet you.

How come you guys don't dress
the same like me and Phil?

Are you sure
you're twins?

[ chuckles]

I say, ever so.

Righty right, Hed?

Righty right, Smed?

We agree...

on everything.

We're such
perfect twins

that Mummy
dresses us
differently...

just totell usapart.

It'sjollygood...
fun.

Almost as fun

as being perfectly
squeakily clean.

[ sniffs]

[ sniffing]

Aw, I get it.

You want to play doggie.

I love that game!

[ whimpering and sniffing]

Actually, I was wondering
about your... smelliness.

Oh. He gets that a lot.

[ sniffs]

Well, uh, this one's
dried-up juice.

[ sniffs]

And... oh, this one's
a squished stinky bug.

Ew!Ew!

He gots one in his dipey
that isn't squished.

Ew!Ew!

Do you want to play
with some toys?

We gotsa fasterway.

BOTH:
Duckies on a stick!

[ ducks quacking and squeaking]

BOTH:
Oof.

Hey!

You want to play
with Reptar?

Ooh!

Oh, after you,
Hed.

Oh, no,
after you, Smed.

How 'bout everybody
goes after me?

No! After me,
Phillip!

Me, Lillian!

Me!

Me!

Me!

[ squeals]

Ah, tea--
so much better
than coffee,

don't you think?

Oh, yeah.

Now...

about Phil and Lil
running amok--

perhaps if you applied
some rules,

they would work more as a team.

Well, Winnie,
with all due respect,

horse pucky!

[ coughs]

They're two peas in a pod.

They do everything together.

BOTH:
Smashing!

Huh?

Because
we did it...

together.

That's
what twins do.

I say, are you sure
you'retwins?

You don't act very twinny.

We don't?

Not very twinny at all.

Not like us.

Mummy says we're
perfect twins.

Perfect twins?

[ gasps]

Phil, we've been
being twins all wrong!

Oh, no.

I'm not wearing
a bow again.

No! I mean we don't
build blocks very good

and we fights
about stuff a lot.

Do not!

Do, too!

[ panting]

See?

We're not perfect
twins, Phillip?

You want to know why?

Not really.

Because we don't act
very twinny.

LIL:
Not very twinny
at all.

It's almost time
for the party.

Yeah. And where's
the rest of my clan?

You sent
the invites, right?

Oh, yes.

I used the invitation software

I found in the dollar bin
at Sloppy Floppies-- see?

Okay-- time, yeah; date, yeah;
year, !?

Oh, for the love...

no wonder no one's here yet!

No wonder it was a dollar.

[ panting]

We gots to think
of the stuffs to do

to be twinnier.

Why?

So we can be

perfect
twins, too.

Why?

Oh, Phillip!

You're opposed to agree with me!

Why?

'Cause I said so!

Wh...

Okay.

First we have to wear
prettiful clothes

that aren't the same.

We looks good.

Now all
we gots to do is

finish what each other says
and share stuff and not fight

and stay clean.

[ laughs]

We're ready for the party.

I can't wait to meet

the rest of
my American family.

When are they
arriving?

Why... oh!

Here they come now!

I'll be right back.

Okay, listen up--
you're my cousins

Fred and Mary from Paducah.

You're Uncle Roy, Aunt Fritzi
and Cousin Carl.

Brother Ned and wife, Tilly,
from Podunk

and Gramps and Nana
from Poughkeepsie, got it?.

Okay, smile and march!

What's with
all the "p"s?

Don't worry.

To me, you'll
always be Minka
from Meshuggeneh.

[ all chatting]

This is Tommy
and his brother, Dyl.

And this is Chuckie and Kimi.
You guys have fun.

Ta-ta.

[ burps]

[ giggles]

Ew!Ew!

So, you're chums
of Phil and Lil?

Uh, no,
I don't
think so.

But they're our
real good friends.

Hey, there's...

Philand Lil?
[ giggles]

Ow.

Hello, everybody.

Me and Phil--
perfect twins,
you know--

are very happy
to see...

Uh...

PHIL:
The chair?

[ sighs]

[ chuckles
nervously]

Would you like to play
with my favoritest Reptar

before me, Phil?

Okay.

You're opposed to say
"After you, Lil!"

[ grunts]

Oh, yeah.

After you, Lil.

No, Phil.

After you.

This is all very confusing.

Why are you guys
wearing thatstuff?

'Cause we're
perfect twins

and we don't want to wear

our same ducky clothes
anymore, right, Phil?

I kind of miss
my duckies.

No, we don't, Phillip.

Yes, we do, Lillian.

No, we don't.

Yes, we do!

Don't!Do!

Now you guys are
back to Norman.

[ giggling happily]

Not all twins
can be...

perfect.

Maybe some twins
don't want to be.

[ gasps]

Jolly good show and...

[ with heavy accent]:
he said I don't
know what, love.

[ guffawing]

[ laughing]

[ in Yiddish accent]:
You understood
a word?

No.

Sorry we're late.

Angelica was rehearsing
her dance number

for the party.

What did I miss?

Come on!

I say, I've forgotten.

Who's Cousin Carl
from Pakoyma?

I am!I am!

I'm Carl, Stu.

No, I'mCarl, Drew.

[ gasps]

You got to help me,
Charlotte.

Don't you think
it's time

you changed Phil and Lil
into suitable party togs?

I assure you, they look
just dandy in what they got on.

Er, oh...

[ groans]

[ slurps]

What's wrong with
your baby fingies?

Nothing.

It's the rightiest way to sip.

That's how
the queen does it.

Who's your queen?

You know, someone
who's in charge,

tells you what to do?

Is kind of old
and wears a crown?

I don't think we gots
one of those.

ANGELICA:
Listen up, babies

and new babies
I don't know.

I got to practice
my dance number,

so be quiet
and don't bother me

with any of your dumb
baby stuff.

Or else!

Oh, yeah.

We do.

I'm Hedley,
Your Mattressy.

And I'm Smedley.

And we're ever so
pleased to meet...

BOTH:
the queen of America!

Queen of...

America...?

Yeah!

That's exactly who I am.

And as queen,
I order you to...

CHARLOTTE:
Angelica!

Don't move!

So, who wants to go outside?

[ both gasp]

I say!

You must obey the queen.

I say the sprinkly
was on afore

so Lil and me must
play with mud and ants.

Eww!Eww!

Uh...

Eww!

[ all gasp]

I don't want
to get dirty, Phillip.

LIL:
I want to stay
with Headily and Smeadily

and sip make-believe tea.

Well, I don't
want to stay clean!

And who cares

about some dumb old
tea party, anyways?

I do!

You'll never be

a perfect
little twinny.

Well, maybe I
don't want to be,

if it means no more dirt
or bugs or fun!

I say!

He's a bit of a nutter.

Lil, you could be
our perfect twin

until we go bye-byesy.

Then that's what
I'm going to be.

Phillip...
we're not twins anymore.

[ all gasp]

Goody.

[ crowd talking happily]

CHARLOTTE:
Well, of course I sold
the stocks, Jonathan.

You think I just stepped
off a farm in Podunk?

Uh, why
would you, dear?

You're from Paducah.

Oh... right.

This is all
so clever, Betty.

Where do you want
the Westminster Crabbey?

Next to the Duchess
of Pork Chops.

All this work
for Winnie,

who's driving
me bananas!

Telling me how
to raise my kids?

You find me
happier twins

than Phil and Lil!

Aw, don't worry, Phil.

Lil's probably missing you, too.

Lots.

[ twins and Lil giggling]

Um, okay,
maybe not lots.

That's okay, you guys.

Who needs to be twins anyway?

[ giggling]

Oh, loyal suspects!

The queen of America
wants you to, uh... do stuff.

BOTH:
The queen is calling!

Oh, that's
just Angelica.

[ both gasp]

It's QueenAngelica, Lil.

We must go.

Okay, I say, the queen is hot.

Why don't you take off
your blankie, Angelica?

[ both gasp]

It's QueenAngelica,

and I order you babies
to fan me.

Oh...

All right, here's
the piece de resistance

of this whole wing-ding--

my Howie's
Buckingham Palace cake.

[ all oohing and ahhing]

[ whispering]:
I have to charge
the battery.

Aw, jeez--
which no one can eat

until Howie charges
his camera battery.

ALL [ disappointed]:
Oh...

Cake?!

Follow my bedspread.

I order you to get me
a giant hunk of that cake.

But... that's my
daddy's prettiful cake

for the party.

And my mommy said
for nobodies to eat it.

Um, perhaps we should
wait for dessert.

Who's wearing
the crown here, shorty?

The queen has spoken!

Yes, Your Mattressy.

SMEDLEY:
Go on, Lil, get the cake!

No, I won't do it.

Then you're not
a perfect twin.

Not a perfect
twin at all!

Hey, wonder what
Lil and her twins
are doing

by the cake.

I dropped the
twins for minutes

and bowled
a that night.

Oh, jeez, Louise!

Look at the cake!

That's not like you, Lil.

Least not
without Phil.

Surely there'll be

a consequence, Betty.

Sorry, Lil,
I got to give you

a tiny
little time-out.

I finally get loyal suspects
and they had to be dumb babies.

Angelica!

It's time for your
dance, sweetheart!

Okay!

You guys see that?

They've took the cake
and lefted Lil there.

And now she gotted in trouble!

Well, they can't do that
to my twin sister.

Phil, actually,

you're not
twins anymore.

'Member?

Yes, we are!

And a twin's gotta do
what a twin's gotta do!

Even if Lil doesn't
want me anymore.

We got to help her!

ALL:
Yeah!

We gots to show
the grownups

that Smelly and Headcheese
are the poopatrators.

I never know
if she's dancing

or just has to go
potty real bad.

Guys, I gots a idea.

You saw them put the cake
in their pockets, right?

We just gots to get
the cake to fall out.

I think it's safe
to come out.

Pity about Lil.

I'm more worried

about not getting
the cake to the queen.

And nobody knows better than us
how mean that queen can be!

You know what makes
her really, really happy?

What?What?

When her loyal suspects
dance with her.

Really?

We can dance.

'Cept the queen likes
a special dance.

Don't worry.

You go to the queen
and watch us.

Then do what we do.

Wasn't that wonderful?

Scram, babies,
I'm taking my bows!

[ rock music playing]

Oh, how adorable!

Look, everyone!

Come see my precious
darlings dance!

[ laughing]

[ all gasp]

We did it, guys!

ALL:
Yay!

Oh, my!

WINIFRED:
Youtook the cake?

And your clothes,
your clothes!

I am so sorry,
my little Lillian.

I bet you missed
your brother,

didn't you?

It was your
fault, Hedley!

No, yours, Smedley.

Yours!Yours!

[ screams]

Aw, don't
sweat it, Winnie.

Let's have
a nice pot of joe

and I'll teach you
some rules about twins.

First off,
them and dirt

go hand in hand.

Sorry we weren't
perfect twins, Lil.

That's okay,
because I thinks

we're perfect
for each other.

Even if you are
a bit of a nutter.

Am not, Lillian!

Are too, Phillip!

Am not!

Are too!

Not!Are!

[ yells]

CEDRIC:
I don't know what lo...

[ guffawing]