05x04 - Mother Knows Best

[bunniefuu]

Morning.

Morning.

Been at work? Only went off for a couple of minutes, then a stupid farmer came past in a Land Rover and woke him up.

Where's my brain? I've got to be at school in a couple of hours.

I'm never going to make it.

Are you going to be a good boy for your daddy this morning? You will be back by lunchtime, won't you? Like I said, Martin, I will try.

These school tours have a life of their own once parents start poking around.

I have my first patient at two.

He'll need feeding before that.

I put a bottle in the fridge just in case.

Don't you think it would be better if you were on hand for his feeds? That's why I expressed milk.

So I don't always have to be on hand.

Steam spurted out of that um The wand? Yeah.

I think I broke your coffee thingy.

What? Sorry.

Tomorrow, I'm going to put this place on the culinary map.

All those hungry fun-runners, I'm going to be here with the baps and the barbecue sauce.

Do you get it? Hot jogs! Right.

We're going to clean up, boy.

Dad, isn't the point of a fun run to raise money for charity? Not to line your pockets.

Never let an opportunity pass you by, boy.

And I'll tell you what else.

Those do-gooders are going to need a nice dinner.

So we do a slap-up meal and call it specials.

Charge a bit extra.

You might have a bit of competition.

Why? Seems Mark's got big plans for the fun day too.

It's fine, but I need that to be a door in the middle.

It needs tying back.

Go on, then.

What's with the marquee? It's a beauty, isn't it? We said we wouldn't tread on each other's toes.

There'll be plenty of punters to go around.

Not now you've put this monster up.

This is a violation of your agreement.

Agreement? It was more of a chat down the pub.

Anyway, I've already shelled out.

And I've already paid for I don't see why it's got to be a problem.

I'll do the upmarket seafood and you do what you usually do.

Hello, Doc.

Where are your trousers? Special dispensation from the Super due to my role as marshal of the fun run tomorrow.

Surgery doesn't open until this afternoon.

What do you want? What with you being the village's standard-bearer for health, I would be honoured if you were to act in some official capacity.

No.

There's a warm-up session today.

How about leading it? Have you checked whether the participants have a minimum level of fitness? It's a fun run, Doc.

Sprains, tendonitis, dehydration, dislodged testicle, cardiac arrest.

Sounds like a lot of fun.

Well You could still make a difference.

It's for the kiddies.

In Africa.

Hello, Joe.

Louisa.

Sorry.

Um I'm going now and we're low on nappies.

So you might need to pop out again.

Yes.

Yeah I've got some somewhere.

I'll go to the cashpoint later.

Sorry.

Not as sorry as those kiddies.

How do I look? You could say, 'You look nice, Louisa.

' Yes, you always do.

Thank you.

I'll be off, then.

See you at two.

Yes.

Dad I was looking for these.

I'll be finished soon enough.

I've got to get the primer on Ruth's windows today.

Two seconds, OK, son?! I can't help but notice that you've been up there almost every day now.

There's a lot to do.

There's a lot to do here! It's not like we can't use the extra cash.

Especially with you offering deals like that.

If Mark plays dirty, I want to show him he's not the only pig in the pen.

Just try not to put us out of business, eh? Doc free? Not to be disturbed unless it's something unpronounceable.

I can get you in after two.

I need to see him right now.

I will give him my winning smile and see what happens.

For a fiver.

No, you won't.

Come back at two.

Come on, Doc, please! Make an appointment.

I've got this pain.

It's pretty serious.

How do you know it's serious? Under the rib cage.

I'm in agony.

All right, come in.

Cheers, Doc.

I won't forget this.

Have you had it before? No.

Any reflux or ulcers? No.

Ooh! Eaten anything peculiar in the last day or so? Any bowel problems? No and no.

Taking any medication? Not really.

Are you or aren't you? Just aspirin.

How many? I don't know.

I guess quite a few.

How many? Five or six since this morning.

Ten yesterday.

Maybe the same the day before.

You've almost certainly aggravated the lining of your stomach.

Take aspirin at that rate and you'll be on your way to an overdose.

What have you got for me, then? Get me back on the road.

Stop taking all that aspirin.

Take an antacid.

With luck, you won't have done lasting damage.

Why are you taking all that aspirin? I've got this thing with my back.

A thing? Take off your shirt.

Joe Penhale on the phone.

Some bloke's collapsed at the warm-up.

Come back this afternoon.

Ellingham.

Doc, we've got a man down here.

Top of the hill.

Probably not serious.

Though he did go white.

And I think he might have stopped breathing at one point.

Is he conscious now? Hard to tell with all the gasping.

I'll be right there.

I've ruled out dislodged testicle.

He wasn't happy, but one less thing to worry about, eh, Doc? Out of the way! The doctor's coming! Sshh! Be quiet! Ssshh! The doctor's here! Hey, Doc.

Mr um Monk.

Did you lose consciousness? No.

Breathless.

I couldn't see properly.

Keeled over like a drunken mackerel.

When did you last have a drink? Cup of coffee this morning.

A few pints last night.

Idiot.

You're severely dehydrated.

What made you think you were fit enough for this sort of exercise?! It's for the little kiddies.

Mr Monk has late-onset diabetes.

He's also grossly unfit.

Must have slipped through the net.

Give him a sip of water every few minutes.

He'll be all right within the hour.

Thanks, Doc.

We did it again, eh? OK, folks! Show's over! Hello, Doctor.

How may I be of service? Nappies.

Louisa went past earlier.

She looked ever so smart.

These working mothers have it all, don't they? But someone has to pick up the slack, Doctor.

And it is so often the man.

A busy professional left holding the baby, on top of everything.

Glycerine suppositories.

Coming right up.

I'll put it on your account as usual? Yes, please.

Thank you.

Large's restaurant! Best food in Port Wenn! Beer, two for one! Here.

Large restaurant! Two for one! Hello, my lover.

Thanks.

Two for one beer? Go on! Might cheer you up a bit! Good boy.

Stay there.

Doc- No.

What are you doing?! Give him to me! He's lovely.

But a little bit young to be left on his own, don't you think? Who are you? I'm Eleanor.

His grandmother! And what's this one called? Does Does Louisa Is Louisa expecting you? Lulu! What are you doing here? You invited me.

No, I didn't.

I just wrote that I was having a baby.

Five months ago.

I know.

I know.

But when your letter arrived, I was about to go on hols.

You look like you need one, by the way.

And then things came up.

I'm sure you know how that is, Lulu.

And you must be Yes.

It's been such a long time.

I suppose I should be annoyed at being made a grandmother! I'm a little bit young for that! Biologically speaking, you're exactly the right age.

57, 58.

Yeah.

Around there.

Is that your suitcase? How long were you planning on staying, Mother? For as long as I'm needed.

Probably think I'm headed to a crime scene.

But it's not the case.

Unfortunately.

This lot's for marking the course for the fun run.

I've got to get this unloaded.

Let me give you a hand.

No, thanks.

Your local police force is here to help.

Will you be wanting this in the cold store? It's all right, I'll get that.

You get off.

Not a problem.

Thank you.

Right, then.

I'm supposed to be doing the fun run tomorrow.

I don't want everyone telling me that I stink.

Laughing behind my back.

I'm surprised you can get that close.

Everyone else keeps their distance.

It's not by choice, it's my job.

They call me Fishy.

Fishy Finbar.

Finbar the fishy f Sorry.

I just want you to stop me smelling like something I landed a week ago.

When did you first become aware of your smell? Just before I left school.

I couldn't do gym.

They wouldn't let me in the changing rooms.

I came to see Dr Simm.

But he said it was just because I helped my dad on his boat.

He said it was my fault and that I should change my clothes a bit more often.

And that was it? The thing is, my dad smells of fish as well.

Though it comes off when he has a bath.

With me it never gets better.

Do you eat cheese? What? Cheese.

Do you eat it? Does it accelerate your pulse rate? Make your heart flutter? Makes me feel a bit weird, yeah.

I'd need a urine sample to confirm, but I'm pretty sure it's trimethylaminuria.

What? It's a very rare condition.

Your body is unable to process a chemical called trimethylamine.

So it comes out from the sweat glands.

Unfortunately for you, it smells like rotten fish.

So what can you do to help me? I can advise you on your diet so as to minimise the impact of your odour.

Apart from that, nothing.

But I've definitely got something? Trime Trimethylaminuria.

So really I'm quite special.

In that you smell like rotten fish, yes.

But it's not my fault.

I have a rare condition.

Nice one, Doc! Yes.

Has your mother left? No.

She's gone for a walk.

If she thinks she can just swan back into my life, she'll find it's not quite as easy as that.

Yes, I can see that.

I've managed perfectly well on my own all these years.

I don't need her interfering now.

But you wrote to her about the baby.

Yes, of course I did.

So you must have wanted her to have some involvement with him.

I don't know! It wasn't a rational thing, Martin.

No.

I've got six cases of fresh fish staring at me! Of course I can pay you.

OK, fine! God I'm a bit busy, Bert.

What do you want? You can stop trying to undercut me with your free wine offer.

You've got your two-for-one night.

Let's call it even.

First there was the marquee shenanigans.

Now there's this.

You want to move into the big league, fine.

But not on the shoulders of the little people.

Two words for you, Bert.

Free market.

It's called running a business.

No, it's not.

It's called warfare.

And you, my boy, have taken on the wrong general! You're overreacting.

I know a cheat when I see one! And I'm looking at one right now! I've put a new fuse in, but the whole place needs rewiring.

Which will last longer, me or the wiring? Neither if the electric shorts and the whole place burns down.

I'll chance it.

I might need to put some time in at the restaurant.

Tomorrow? It's just a one-off.

Dad has been complaining I spend too much time here.

I think he misses me a bit.

Or he misses your free labour.

Hey, dog! No! You couldn't take him to Martin's? I'm sure the doc will love that.

I pay your wages, you know.

You don't pay me danger money.

Next patient! God.

Back's got a bit worse since this morning.

I need something to knock the pain off.

Untuck your shirt.

Where does it hurt? Low.

Feels like Any pain in your buttocks? Your legs? Bend one leg.

Like this.

And the other one.

Been lifting anything heavy? In my line of work, just all the time.

You've probably strained a muscle.

Take time off work and give it a rest.

I can't do that, Doc.

Busy day tomorrow.

A lot riding on this fun day.

I've prescribed anti-imflam Stop scratching.

Sorry.

That's great, Doc.

You have a skin irritation? Heat rash.

It's hot in the kitchen.

How do you know it's heat rash? Take a seat.

It's nothing.

I'll be the judge of that.

If you have something infectious, you could pass it on to your customers! It's a heat rash! Mr Bridge! I haven't finished! Arse! Martin! Next! Who wants to give it a go, then? I'd forgotten what it was like here.

I can see myself staying awhile.

You've got a nice place.

Big! There's a room free at the Crab and Lobster.

I just called.

Did you tell them I am a vegetarian? I'm sure they'll be able to work that out for themselves.

I'll go and get my case, then.

We can walk there together.

Do you need a hand with that? Yeah, about five minutes ago.

You look knackered! Baby keeping you up all night? Like Doc Martin.

Dirty old tosser! We were all like that once, weren't we? I wasn't.

Well, I was.

Martin and I are moving at half-term.

To London.

I was going to let you know but City girl are we now? I guess I'm going to be, yeah.

I arrive and you leave.

Not exactly a welcome home party, is it? I can't believe you just said that! I came back here for you.

Took seven years.

Yeah, you rushed right back.

It was your decision not to come to Spain, Louisa.

It was your choice not to live with me.

Mum, I was 11 years old.

You were practically a stranger by then.

Sometimes you have to listen to your heart, love.

Or Javier, in your case.

He d*ed last March.

Dear.

I'm sorry.

You really do look tired, Lulu.

That Martin isn't one for chipping in, is he? Martin is busy, you know.

He's got a lot of responsibilities.

What you need is a pick-me-up.

A little Spanish sunshine in a bottle.

It's herbal.

Works wonders on me.

No, thank you.

Wait! Have you got any avocado oil? This is a pharmacy, not a voodoo store.

Eleanor.

Sally! I didn't recognise you! Sea air is really harsh on the skin, isn't it? And you're back.

Yeah.

For Lulu, you know.

That will be a nice change for Louisa.

Not before time, thank God.

Poor thing's swamped.

And that man of hers, total waste of space.

Dr Ellingham is one of the finest human beings I have ever met.

Well, I don't suppose you meet that many.

Never really heard the call of the wild, did you? I heard the call.

I just chose not to listen.

Leave that to the likes of you.

Life's adventuress! Wasn't quite the word I had in mind.

Some of us have to travel.

Some of us are happy to stay where we are.

In the back of beyond, running a little shop.

Which doesn't even stock avocado oil.

Is there anywhere in the village a bit more cosmopolitan? If there is, I'm sure you will find it.

It don't add up.

What's that? Mark is going to give away all this free wine.

How can he be turning a profit? Numbers don't lie.

How did you get that figure? Numbers munching.

He's up to something.

I can just smell it.

Don't you think you're taking this a bit too far, Dad? You've just declared w*r on his pub.

In public.

You'll get a name for yourself.

What are you doing back, anyway? I came to help you set up.

Her Majesty OK with that, is she? Mummy needs you to sleep now.

It's getting late.

Please.

You must be getting tired.

Hello, you two.

You can't just walk in here! I was in the pub, in my room, and I suddenly thought I really want to see my little grandson.

Yeah, but he's a bit upset at the moment.

Can I? It's OK.

He'll be asleep soon.

Don't you want a break? Yeah, I do but I'd really like to.

I want to bond with my grandchild.

Sure? Get me a bottle and I'll take him upstairs and get him off.

Have a break, Lulu.

Get yourself a bite to eat.

All right, then.

Come on, now.

Sshh.

I don't think I can take another sleepless night.

Why does he sleep so well in the day but then never at night? I told you your comforting on demand would lead to interrupted sleep patterns.

Don't go there, Martin.

Is there a problem? No, it's fine.

I'll get some fish tomorrow.

Listen.

He's stopped crying.

Perhaps I should check on him.

Martin, she's my mother.

I'll be the one that doesn't trust her.

He just needed his grandma.

Attention all! Welcome Attention! Welcome to the first annual Port Wenn fun run! Please use the designated route, which I've clearly marked with bollards and tape.

Except for the section where I've drawn little arrows on the road.

Please follow these accordingly.

But not the ones I crossed out.

Dad, business is hard enough without you making enemies.

So you go and see Mark and you tell him you didn't mean it.

But I just know he's up to something dodgy.

But you don't know that.

We'll hardly be struggling for customers.

Look at all these nutters! Maybe I did lose my rag a bit, eh? It takes a strong man to apologise.

So you go down there and you see him.

Right, there we are.

OK, then.

Ladies and gentlemen! Rabbits and whatever.

On your marks! Get set! And off we go! Morning, sweetheart! You look rested! Or have you just piled on the slap? Baby slept through.

Told you he would! Where are you two off to? Showing prospective parents around the school.

And the baby-sitter cancelled, so I'm a bit late.

Let me watch him.

No, it's fine.

I can manage.

He loves his grandma.

Don't you, Snookums? How long are you going to be, then? I'm only going to be a couple of hours.

And he's just had a feed, so you're safe.

But if he wakes, there are bottles in the fridge and the back door is always open.

Are you sure? Not a problem.

And he likes the pink camel.

He can't tell the difference between you and that traffic cone! But it's sweet that you think he can.

If you go to the toilet, don't just leave him out here.

You've got to take him with you.

Yeah? Money for the children! Excuse me! No.

Doctor.

I have a proposition for you.

I want you to know I would be happy to do some baby-sitting.

That's in hand.

You only have to ask.

Mr Bridge! Careful! Idiot! Tosser! Mr Bridge! Not a good time.

It's a perfect time! You walked out of my surgery and I hadn't finished my examination.

There's a few extra people in the village today and they all want feeding.

If you do not let me examine you, I will report you to the environmental health officer.

Stop being such a busybody.

You obviously think you're infectious or you wouldn't be so evasive.

Look, Doc, let me do my job.

I'll pop in first thing Monday morning.

I promise.

No.

Today, or I will take measures.

All right.

All right! Where did you get him from? Where do you think? From his mother! If you don't mind my saying, she's having a tough time taking care of him all by herself.

She is not caring for him all by herself.

I'm here.

What's that? What are you doing? My tonic.

There's herbs everywhere here.

You probably thought they were weeds! It stinks.

Come here, boy! Get out.

It's not allowed in here.

I don't think anyone's told him that.

It's unhygienic.

And so are you now.

Wash before you touch the child.

Ooh, get you! Don't think I need your advice about child-raising, thank you very much.

Get out.

You.

All right, Bert? Pint? I've come to see Mark.

He's out the back.

Fetch him for me, would you? Yeah.

Gotcha.

Get rid of that.

It's not a cafe.

Lunch is over anyway.

Where's Louisa's mother? Hello.

All right? I'm still here.

Haven't run off and left him.

You're a doctor.

Do you think she's had work done? Take your shoes off my bed, please.

Hi.

What's the matter? Nothing.

He's fine.

He just needed a calming influence.

It's not healthy having a mummy and daddy who are stressed out all the time.

I don't think we are that stressed, Mother.

Why are you checking him? It's unusual for an infant to change its sleep pattern.

Let's wake him up and tell him, shall we? Come on, you stragglers! Let's do it for the kiddies! Pick those feet up! Come on, Stanley, get a move on.

We'll be here all night.

Shift some of that weight.

If you get any heavier, the village will slip into the sea.

Stanley, that is a misdemeanour! Joe.

I need you to come with me.

No can do, Bert.

A race marshal's work is never done.

Until it's done.

I have evidence of a smuggling operation.

Are you serious? Right here.

Under your nose.

Where's this evidence? Patience, Joe.

There is where I'd hide it.

Stand back.

Of course.

Ha ha! Duty-free contraband.

Not for re-sale.

And that's exactly what he's been doing.

Legally-speaking, it's just wine.

Unless we catch him in the act.

No problem.

Turn up tonight, order some of his over-priced fish.

And then when he starts serving his dodgy wine, nicked.

Arrested.

Speaking of which, we shouldn't be here.

I could have us for breaking and entering.

It's him! Louisa! Louisa! Louisa! Ssshh! Don't wake him! Smell that.

Alcohol.

No.

She wouldn't do something like that.

What else does it look like? There has to be an explanation.

Doesn't there? I'll be off, then.

If ever you need a baby-sitter, you know where I am.

Did you put something in this? A few drops of my tonic.

He loves it.

It's homeopathic.

Sort of.

Been taking it for years! What do you mean, sort of? Comfrey, lavender, mint, bit of apple peel.

Yeast.

The yeast in the apple skin.

It turns the plant sugars into alcohol.

It's alcoholic.

You have drugged our child.

I think that's taking things a bit far, don't you? Haven't you noticed the effect it has on you? I have.

Never did you any harm.

Just go, please.

Hello! Hello! Officer in need of assistance! And some trousers.

The important thing is to stay calm.

That's basic police training.

Can anybody hear me? Joe! If he finds us, we'll never nail him.

I can't stay in here any longer.

The thing about hypothermia is it creeps up on you.

I could easily be dying and not be aware of the fact.

Mark! We're stuck in your cold store facility! Who's there? PC Joe Penhale! And a citizen.

What are you doing in there? We wandered in by accident, Mark.

You been You been snooping? No.

We just Could you let us out? Then we can talk about it.

Before I do My.

Is he breathing? He'll be all right, won't he? He's not showing any signs of discomfort.

Just when I think she can't do anything else to surprise me.

Is she going to be staying for long? No.

Not after this.

I'm going to go and talk to her.

It's always the same old story.

It ends with me being disappointed.

I bought a fish.

Thank you.

Sorry, I have to Ellingham.

What's happened? He collapsed, Doc! Probably exhausted from hauling all this illegal duty-free.

Any time is good for letting us out, Doc.

What happened, Mr Bridge? How long have your eyes been sensitive to light? A couple of days.

You're not shutting me down.

We caught you red-handed.

Nearly.

He's got a pile of untaxed foreign goods in here.

Perhaps I could treat the patient before you arrest him.

Have you got this rash anywhere else on your body? My feet.

Does it hurt when you pass urine? Yeah, a little bit.

I want you up on those crates.

Do you think you can stand up? Have you been abroad recently? Not for a couple of years.

Liar! I've seen his ferry ticket.

Have you been abroad recently? France, last month.

On the ferry.

Did you have a stomach upset while you were there? A couple of days.

Felt fine after.

Yes, you would have.

All your symptoms are related.

It's called Reiter's syndrome.

What the hell is that? It's an auto-immune condition caused by the infection that you picked up.

You'd have saved me a lot of time if you'd told me all your symptoms.

How did I get that on a booze cruise? This bacteria is most commonly found in Third World countries.

But anywhere with poor hygiene will do.

Like France.

Like a passenger ferry.

You're not going to close me down? You're not infectious.

Right.

I'll get back to it, then.

No, you won't.

You need immediate bed rest, a course of antibiotics, and plenty of fluids.

I've got the bank on my back.

If I don't turn my business round, I'll lose it.

I don't care about your business.

Your health is my concern.

Doc, if he's not a goner, do you think you could let us out now, please? The key's on the barrel, right under the stone.

It's the fresh air you miss the most.

Mr Bridge, straight to bed.

I can't.

I can't re-freeze all that fish! Here, I might be able to help you out there.

As a fellow businessman.

There you are.

That's his third plate.

I thought he'd eat like a sparrow.

You shouldn't have promised the winner all he could eat.

Hello, Ruth.

Have you come for our fish and chip special? No, thank you.

None of the plugs are working in my upstairs rooms.

Sounds like you've got a problem with your electricals.

Well, yes.

And that's your cue to say I told you so.

I'm going easy on you until pay day.

But I'll pop by tomorrow morning and have a look.

I'd like to take you on full-time as farm manager.

Yeah? Could be interesting.

If you like that sort of thing.

I'd sort of oversee the farm as well as do the repairs and the animals? That's the idea.

Providing we have your blessing, of course, Bert.

We could do with the extra cash, Dad.

No, no.

Up to you, my boy.

Yeah? Good.

See you first thing.

Excuse me.

I can do that, Dad.

No, I can handle this.

I'm sure you've got lots of things to do.

Don't! Stop! Sit! Out! The invitation to dinner was for one.

I didn't bring him.

Do you need a hand? Um Yes.

Give it to me.

I meant the child.

I don't mind them when they're not wailing.

Which you did a lot.

Your father believed a crying child was best left alone in a room.

Solitary confinement.

Thinking has changed since then.

Didn't do me any harm.

We're having fish.

With chips.

Couscous.

Yummy.

Out! When you were little, you'd always run after me and say you were sorry.

I'm not here to apologise.

You threw me out of your house! You gave my baby alcohol.

Is that such a hanging offence? It never used to be.

You're never sorry for anything, are you? Not this again, Lulu.

You show up and expect to pick up where you left off.

What do you want me to say? It's not about you or what you say.

It's No, you're right.

What's the point? Of course I'm right.

Have a glass of wine.

We'll talk about something else.

OK, Lulu? Mum, I really would like you to leave.

I didn't know it was alcohol.

I understand you didn't mean any harm.

But I just don't want you here.

You'd have been more miserable with me around, you know.

If I'd stayed.

We'll never know, will we? Maybe if I'd had my mum around, things might have been different.

I felt so alone then, Lulu.

Then I come here and I see you with your baby and I just wanted We've missed out on so much already, haven't we? I'm sorry, Lulu.

I'm sorry for everything.

Don't tell Martin.

No, no.

Of course not.

Surgery is now in session.

What medical complaint do you have? What? What? Stop wasting my time! Get out! Out! Out! Out! Unless you let me give you this injection, I will fire you.

That will do.