01x02 - Coup DeVille

[bunniefuu]

[ eerie snorting]

[ lasers f*ring]

PHIL:
Watch it!

A flindor at :!

Slaughter him, Lil!

Feel lucky, flindor?

History!

Excellent spillage, Lil.

[ groaning]

Hyperspace, Phil!

[ laser f*ring]

[ electronic fanfare plays]

MONSTER:
Monsters are munch!

You munch me,

I munch back.

[ blows landing,
expl*si*n]

Yeah! Never stood a chance.

Aw, geez, we got to get going.

Come on, twins.

Hey, shake
a leg, you two.

[ grunting]

BOY:
♪ Four, three, two one!

[ rock music plays]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ You're another older,
another year wiser ♪

♪ But I still go to school,
to get an education ♪

♪ I take each and every day,
like a mini vacation ♪

♪ All grown up♪

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up♪

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up♪

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up♪♪ With you

♪ All grown up with... you!

WOMAN [ on P.A.]:
Salutations, beloved students.

Would the person who wrote:
"Kate loves Pangborn"

on the gymnasium wall,
please erase it immediately?

Sorry.

No problem.

Oh, if ain't
the bookends.

[ blowing]

$. for you two.

We'll be paying
separately.

I have my ownmoney.

Uh, me, too.

Just not today.

[ groans]

Thanks.

I'll pay you back
as soon as that

"no allowance for a
month" thing is over.

How was I supposed to
know Kimi's great aunt

was in that vase?

They should label that stuff.

GIRL:
Hey, Lil!

Over here!

Catch up to you later.

[ sniffing]

Liverwurst.

[ sniffing]:
Olives.

[ sniffing]:
Peanut butter and cucumber pie.

No!

[ sniffing]:
Cake.

With a hint of
red licorice.

No, no... black.

How do you do that?

It's like you have
a third nostril.

[ sniffs]

Hey, Phil.

[ sniffs]:
Went with the
spaghetti, huh?

Whatever.

Hey, where's Lil?

Over there.

She'll "catch up" later.
[ slurping]

Did I tell you
about my party this Friday?

It's boy-girl,

but only
the cool ones.

And we decided
we kind of like you.

So, want to come?

Sure!

Don't forget to tell her
about you know who.

Who?

Your brother.

No offense,
but he's, like, S.I.

As in "Socially Inept."

Um, not to mention a little
hygenically challenged.

[ sniffing]

Definitely fish taco.

[ boys laughing]I don't think so.

I can't believe Lil missed it.

GIRL:
For twins, you guys
are super different.

In a good way.

[ slurping]

In a really good way.

So Lil, there's no chance
your brother would, like,

crash my party, right?

No way!

Phil totally respects
my boundaries.

Lil! You'll never
believe it!

Dil sniffed my armpit
and thought it was fish!

Ew!
Ew!

[ slurping]

That's gross, dude.

[ bell ringing]What?

Later.

No, Brett, stay.

You guys don't have...

Like we said, S.I.

You are so socially inept!

You used to love to play
"What's My Smell?"

Like a gazillion years ago!

Don't you mean "like
a quadrajillion"?

Come on! You're
supposed to say

"megakatrillion
years ago."

I am not playing
that dumb game.

You never thought
it was dumb before.

Philip, just grow up!

So what, you're
saying I'm immature?

Weird-o-rama!

It's Corinthian leather,

but it smells
like egg salad.

That is soimmature!

[ sniffing]

Cat butt. Duh!

[ sniffing]

Mm. Yeah.

[ hissing and rattling]

She's going to blow!

[ expl*si*n booms][ barks]

Chazzy, I am clearly
off my game.

CHAS [ strained]:
But on my pelvic bone.

My vacation isn't coming
a minute too soon.

Nick and d*ck's Twin Canyons
Resort is calling my name.

Aren't you tired
of that place yet?

Are you off your bean?

Bring twins, get in free.

You do the math.

And I'm telling you, Chas,

it's the lap of luxury
times two.

For us, vacation and
Twin Canyons go together like,

well, Phil and Lil.

[ machine whistling]

COACH:
And remember, gentlemen,
day two of the mandatory

President's Physical Fitness
Test is tomorrow!

Pull-ups, push-ups, sit-ups!

I want our school
to kick this test's butt

and knock it to the mat!
Slay me!

This test is stupid
and humiliating.

I can't even do the
simplest rope climb.

Chuckie, you made it
almost to the top.

Only 'cause Pangborn
pushed me halfway up.

Come on, ladies!

Climb, climb, climb,
climb, climb!

How come the president doesn't
ask me to do an equation

or make a diorama?

Come on, Chuckie.
It's just a test.

No biggie.

Hugie!

It'll be completely
embarrassing,

like Phys Ed always is.

And tomorrow will be the same.

And the day after that.

Oh, I am tired of being
the uncoordinated disaster!

Ah, stop, Chuckie.

You're exaggerat...

[ screaming]

Come on, ladi...

[ all grunting]

Okay, maybe a little
uncoordinated.

[ bell ringing]

Morning.

Sit down.

On your chairs this time.

Now, please ignore my mumbling

as I write some
topics on the board.

Enjoy my back.

So, Friday night's
going to be prime.

Yeah. I can't wait.

Hey, you think
you'd want to... oh!

"There's something hanging

"from your left nostril.

The Snot Sergeant."

Oh, man.

PHIL:
Pick me a
winner, Brett.

Philip!

So, you want to play

Alien Eliminator
after school?

Get away from me now!

I'll take that
as a "maybe."

Okay, a "no."

Wunderbar.

Okay, it's time now

for everyone's favorite
annual event: science projects.

[ all groaning]

And everyone gets a partner.

Brett and Brittany.

Howdy, partners.

Next, the dynamic duo

Phil and Lil.

[ groans]

Maybe you two should do
the double helix project.

Get it? Twins? Double?

Please hold your applause.

[ thudding]Why are we partners

on every project?

It's always Phil and Lil this...

Phil and Lil that.

Newsflash:
We're not two heads on one body!

We are two separate people

who just happen to live
in the same house.

He's Phil and I'm Lil.

Two names separated
by the word "and."

I'm a thinking, breathing

independent individual

and he's... Phil!

From now on, think
about me without Phil.

Okay?!

Okay?!

[ laughing]

Uh-huh.

No way!

You really said that?

Could you get
off the phone?

So anyway,
what are you going to wear?

Lil!

Let me call you back.

What do you want?!

I want to know how long
you'll be vacationing

on the planet Mondo Weirdo.

I'm not being
mondo weird!

Yes, you are!

You go a planey thing,
you're yelling at me,

and you're freaking out in
front of everyone at school.

Tell me this phase
is almost over!

First of all,
I am sorry if I embarrassed you

but I meant what I said!

Second of all,
this isn't a phase!

This is real life!

I am not doing this twin thing
anymore, little brother!

Little brother?!
[ laughs]

Give me a break!

So you're two
minutes older!

Do you know what that is
in girl years?

Now, do you mind?!

Okay, twinnies,
it's that time of year

you choose
which matching outfit

you'll be wearing
to Twin Canyons.

They are our
free ticket in.

[ laughing]

They just opened

the Vomit-nator Three!

Uh, which your father
will enjoy

from a safe distance.

I can't wear those clothes!

Aw, geez, it was
a two-for-one sale.

I am not wearing
any clothes there.

But, Lil, it's not
a nudie place.

It's Twins Canyon.

[ Lil groans]

Twins this, twins that.

Phil and Lil.

It's never even Lil and Phil.

There's too much "we,"

not enough "me"!

I am not wearing anything
to that place

because I am not going!

[ all gasping]

You guys, you think it's
possible to get shin splints

in your shoulders?

Tommy, you're not listening.

One minute, we're twins
and everything's fine.

And the next minute
it's "me," not "we."

I mean, what's up with that?

Maybe an evil prehistoric
mother worm

laid its eggs in Lil's brain.

Hey, sweat-heads.

Hey, how come you
weren't in gym, Chuckie?

I was exercising my right
to say no to the president

and his stupid test.

I made a statement
by refusing to show up.

Chuckie Finster
skipped a class?
[ gasping]

Actually, I was hanging out
in the nurse's office.

You call pretending
you're sick

"making a statement"?

Chuckie, this test
is important.

Maybe to you.

It's like
all that stuff

we sweated over our whole lives.

Remember in third grade,

the book report
in a macaroni box we did?

Well, guess what?

Landfill, Tommy!
Landfill!

Or the fourth grade
state capitol test?

Oshkosh, Trenton,
Timbuktu?

Who cares?!

It's like the
"e before i" thing.

Like I'm ever
going to use that.

You could get in
serious trouble.

So what?

I've been humiliated
year after year,

and now my suffering's over!

Today, I'm taking a stand

for coordinatedly challenged
kids everywhere!

And tomorrow?

Tommy, don't ruin my moment.

HOWARD:
How about one twin, half-price?

One twin holding a picture
of the other twin?

[ woman speaking gibberish
over phone]

One twin dressed
as both twins?

Just because one twin wants
to assert her independence

and doesn't want to come

doesn't mean she doesn't exist!

And besides, that leaves an open
seat on the Vomit-nator Three!

[ woman speaking gibberish]

Well, tough sticky buns
to you, too!

Geez!

This is awful.

I know.

We either have to have
another set of twins,

or actually pay for a vacation.

No, Howie, we got a bigger
problem than a lost vacation.

Our little Lil's unhappy.

Right.

She wants to be treated
like her own person,

and that's fair.

Although I am going
to miss seeing you

on the Teacups of t*rture.

Hey, Diane.
What's up?

Oh, hi, Brett.
How you doing?

[ in deep voice]:
I'm doing pretty good.

[ yells]

Yeah, I get that a lot.

What's up?

Look, pup, here it is
in a nutshell.

Your father and I hate
seeing you unhappy.

And we want to apologize

for treating you
and Philly

like a single package
all these years.

You got to cut us some slack.

You two came
into our world
at the same time.

Oneof us came

two minutes earlier,

thank you very much.

And that same one
is growing up a little faster.

So, lay it on me.

What can your father
and I do to make you,

Lillian Marie
Jill DeVille, feel

like you have
your own identity, huh?

Hmm...

[ electronic beeping]

COMPUTER VOICE:
You have been vaporized.
[ laughing]

Anyone here want to be
my copilot?

DIL:
Reporting
for duty, sir.

Okay. Anyone else
want to be my copilot?

I've been thinking, Phil,

and it seems like we have
the same problem.

We're both suddenly twinless.

Uh, Dil,
you've never beena twin.

Exactly.

It's one more thing
I can check off my to-do list.

Sure, I've never twinned before,
but what the heck?

Plus, it works out.

You need a Lil,
and I'm a Dil.

FYI, banana head,
I still haveLil.

But she bailed.

I can be a better twin.

You know, more hands-on.

[ cartoonish music plays]

[ lasers f*ring]

[ laughing]

COMPUTER VOICE:
You have been vaporized.

We could do this all day,
huh, twinnie?

Uh... what's going on?

I'm moving out.

What?!

Mom and Dad said
I can move into

the office-slash-
workout room.

I'll miss that room.

So, you're just
going to leave me
here by myself?

Wasn't anyone even
going to tellme?

Oh, boy.

Twin problems come in twos.

Calm down, Philly.

All this happened
kind of fast.

Now, Lil gets her own room,
but think about it.

So do you!

And the computer
stays here.

And now you got room
for that basketball
hoop you wanted.

And you can
paint the place

any color you
feel like.

Except tangerine,

'cause it makes
your father wig out.

It's not like you lost her.

She's just down the hall.

[ crash]

HOWARD:Ow!
Snap out of it, Howie.

Setting up my "Thigh-o-nara"
machine is a lot harder

than plugging in
your calculator.

DIL:
Hey, brother!
Let's get busy.

Okay. Ready?

Who am I?

I don't look like that,

and I don't walk like that.

Hey, who knows better
than your twin, huh?

So, I thought
we could bond

over some
before-school
spitting.

Uh, that's kind of
mine and Lil's thing.

[ school bell rings]

She's a champ.

She once hocked it

across the street.

Fine!

We won't spit.

But hey!

It's time
for... shirts.

Say, "twins."

[ bell rings]

So, where you
hiding out today?

Janitor's closet?

No, I told you.

I am publicly refusing
to take that test.

PANGBORN:
Come on, ladies.

Uh-oh. Here
comes Pangborn.

I'll be hiding
in the bathroom.

[ groans]

I know
what you're thinking,

'cause I got
that twin ESP thing going.

Yeah, what
am I thinking?

That this twin thing
is working!

Meet me up top!

Dil, we got to slow
the twin thing down.

It's not like
you're not trying.

I mean,
that mashed potato sculpture

of us arm in arm
was pretty cool.

I hated to eat it.

You ate the sculpture?

But I saved the ears.

They're in the freezer.

Say no more.

In the world of twins,

when you eat
the potato sculpture,

you've said good-bye.

Oh, I guess you're right.

It's okay.

I understand.

It's time for me
to move on.

Somewhere out there
are real twins

yearning to make me
their triplet.

[ drum roll,
m*llitary-style march playing]

Yes!

[ whistle blows]

PANGBORN:
Line up!

Ladies, come on,
come on, come on!

[ grunts]

Where's Finster?

[ yells]

Uh, when you
say "Finster,"

do you mean
Elliot Finster,

Fritzey Finster

o-or four-
fingered Finster,

or...?

Can it, Pickles.

Ha, or should I say,
"jar it"?!

Ha-ha-ha.

Good joke, sir.

Never heard that one before.

[ flushes]

[ moans]

Help!

So, my outfit
for the party's all set.

Finster!

It's hanging in my room.

Did I tell you
I got my own room?

Way to go, girl.

Finster?

Come out, come out,
wherever you are.

[ grunting]

Help!

I never thought
it would end like this.

I wonder what they'll say
about me in the school paper.

I wonder what picture
they'll use.

I hope it's one
from before I got my braces.

Oh, look, a shark.

A shark?!

[ yells]

Finster, what happened?

What are you doing
in here?

Drowning, sir?

Oh, and not taking the test.

Course you're not.
I can see that.

I also can see
some of the best

contorting
and physicality since...

since I wrestled
the Boise Bloodletter in '.

Oh, heck of a match.

Uh, Mr. Pangborn,
could you help me?

Oh, right.

You held it for,
like, over an hour?

That's amazing, Chuckie.

Yep, and I think by tomorrow,

I'll be able
to put my arms down.

What you did
was probably harder

than the whole President's
fitness test.

Well, Finster, take a day
for your arms to feel better.

Thanks, Mr.
Pangborn.

I'll just plan
on you starting
the test tomorrow.

[ shudders]

[ sighs]

[ doorbell rings]

HOWARD:
Lil, someone's here for you.

Hey, girlfriend.

You look awesome.

Thanks. You, too.
Let's hit it.

Well, I, too,
think you both look,

uh, awesome,
and-and rad.

We got some really
cool posters and a model!

Well, we're going
to the party. Bye.

Don't sh**t punch
out of your nose!

[ chuckles]

Have fun.
Call if you need us.

Worried?

Nah, she's growing
up just fine.

[ dance music plays]

[ indistinct voices]

Great party, Diane.

Thanks.

I opened all the bags
of chips myself.

What a workout!

[ laughs]

You're funny.

I'm so glad I invited you.

Yeah, me, too.

All the rightkids
are here.

Yeah, no lame-brains
or dorks.

Oh, where is
your brother tonight?

Uh... not here!

[ laughing]

He really isa boob, isn't he?

My vote is for
immature slob!

Are you talking
about Phil?

He's, like, totally
obnoxious in class.

Not allthe time.

Don't forget
gross and smelly.

This is fun.

And he's really
goofy-looking.

It's not like I'm
standing up for him,

but it's sometimes fun
to be gross.

And you know, Phil
and I are twins,

so if you think
he's goofy-looking,

then I guess
you think Iam, too.

No.

No way.

We weren't saying that.

It's not like
you don't know
all this, right?

Phil iskind
of a jerk.

Hey!

I can say he's a jerk
or a slob or gross,

but you guys can't!

You don't really
know him.

He can actually be cool
sometimes and really fun

and funny and-and loyal...

BRETT: Sorry!
We didn't mean to...

The twin thing

is a really strong bond
and kind of magnetic.

Like, I can feel it right now.

Great party. Thanks.
Gotta go.

[ knocks]

Hey.

Hey.

What are youdoing back?

I just felt like
coming home.

You okay?

Yes, Dr. Lil.
I'm fine.

Kind of doing
my own thing, you know.

Being me,not we.

I just wanted
to tell you

that, um...

you will always be my twin.

I just needed my space.

And now, we both got some.

So, everything's cool with us?

Yeah.

Good. 'Cause we're
going to need each other

to get into Twin Canyon.

Yeah!

Now, get outta my room!

Ew! Gross!

LIL:
Here we are
on our oh-so-glorious vacation

in our totally
happening outfits.

Huh, would have looked better
on me.

Oh, oh, oh!

This section's called

"Howard Hurls."

He sh**t!

[ retches]

He scores.

That's nothing.

Check this out.

[ retches]

The Vomit-nator delivered.

Meanwhile, I was doing

what you're
supposed to do

on vacation--
absolutely nothing.

It's, like, what
she does best.

We promised our
parents we'd do

one activity together.

Is this going to be
some girl thing

I'm going to
really hate?

You'll see!

It turned out
to be pretty cool.

See, Phil?

I know what you like.

Oh, and you don't?

Well... some habits
are hard to break.
[ both laughing]