01x09 - The Old & The Restless

Episode transcripts for the TV show "All Grown Up!". Aired: April 12, 2003 – August 17, 2008.*
Watch/Buy Amazon


Tommy, Dil, Chuckie, Phil, Lil, Kimi, Angelica and Susie are now in middle school and have to deal with adolescent issues.
Post Reply

01x09 - The Old & The Restless

Post by bunniefuu »

Whoa...

[ yelling]

Whoa!

Nice of you
to drop in, Scout.

Thanks, Grandpa.

They're not as easy

as they look
when Dil's on them.

Let me show you a trick
I learned in the w*r

when the bridge I was on
blew up, leaving only planks

between me and...

Life, freedom
and the American way?

Darn tooting...
and the latrine.

Anyways, it's all about
balance and concentration.

Now pick a spot on the fence,
stare at her

and clear your mind
of everything else.

Ready?

Hey, Grandpa, I'm doing it.

You rock!

Works every time.

[ yells]

[ thud]

Well, a lot of the time.

[ groans]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

Now it is my pleasure
to introduce someone

who is underappreciated,
underloved and oft forgotten.

No-- this time, it's not me.

Meet Mr. Spleen.

This science club is okay.

I never felt connected
to my spleen before.

Straight up, Chuck-o.

And tomorrow,
field trip

to the way-out
Human Body Museum.

Exhibits and rides from head
to toe, like, literally.

I am psyched!

[ whispering]

Mr. Beaker, dude...

Sean wants to know
what you got to do

to get one of
those way-out
organ key chains.

You get one of these beauties
when you reach the toes.

Don't worry,
everyone does.

Last year, we b*at
another class by a foot.

Get it? Foot?

I am definitely going to sport
that key chain with pride.

You don't have any keys.

Do you know

you're a very
negative human being?

And now for something
really breathtaking--

the lungs.

DIDI:
Dil! Your steamed spinach

on a bed of chilled
spinach is getting cold...

uh, and warm.

DIL [ rasping]:
West Virginia.

Dil?!

What is he doing?

Last seen,
he was practicing

burping the states.

Burping the...

Is that what
they're teaching them

at that school?

Only on the Dil
Pickles' curriculum.

But what they are doing

is letting me go
with Tommy's class today

to the Human Body Museum.

I can't wait!

The rides are supposed
to be a blast.

And you're
supposed to be

the responsible
adult chaperone.

Oh...

DIL:
West Virginia,
Wisconsin,

Wyoming.

Man, I only count !

[ sighs]

Alabama,

Alaska...

[ others chuckling]

A whole lot easier
in my day.

There weren't so
gosh darn many states.

Alabama...

All right, Dil,
we're at the table.

Cool it, son.

[ burping]:
Okay.

Dil!

Can't... stop.

Good one, Bro.

No, really.

Can't stop.

[ gasps]

It's probably
just one great big one...

like when he was a baby.

[ belches]

[ burping]:
Thanks.

Stu! This could be serious.

I'll call the doctor.

You notify Mr. Beaker
that you can't go.

Who knows what this is?

"Can't go"?

Mom, half the science club

is counting on Dad-- my half.

Private First Class
Lou Pickles reporting for duty.

I'll be your
chaperone, Tommy,

if that's okay.

You kidding, Grandpa?

That'd be sweet.

With Lou-Lou off running
with the bulls in Spain,

it'll give us a chance

to spend some quality
time together.

And don't
you worry, Dil.

You'll be fine.

[ burping]:
Thanks.

Are you sure he knows
it's today?

He'll be here.

Did Sean just acknowledge
your existence?

Uh... I think so.

If that's what this means.

PHIL:
Okay... tick-tock, tick-tock.

Where is
your grandpa, Tommy?

We do have a lot
of ground to cover.

He'll make up
for it.

We are talking about the fun-
meister grandpa of all time.

[ tires squealing]

Sorry I'm late.

Couldn't find my conflabbed
glasses anywhere.

[ laughter]

They're on top
of your head, Grandpa.

He always does that.

I'll be a salamander's
second tail.

Glad to see you,
Mr. Pickles.

I'm Mr. Beaker.

No reason for alarm,
but we're minutes late.

Can we just go now, Grandpa?

[ children complaining]

It's not as if
the museum's going to get up

and walk away.

TOMMY:
Come on, Grandpa,

this place
is tight and out of sight.

I'll go to the wisdom tooth
booth for information.

I have to get you kids
the stuff you'll need.

Now, you stay put.

But we already got...

[ whistling]

I guess he didn't
see us get them.

[ speaking inaudibly]

We need a sticker
from each place we go.

We get all the stickers,
we are kings of the key chains.

Score one primo
mouth sticker.

[ others grumbling]

Hey, he'll be right back, guys.

We're never going
to make it to the toes.

And that's the story of the day
they wrestled out my tonsils.

[ groaning]

Or was it my gall bladder?

Well, it was something
floating in the jar.

[ yawns]

Nothing like
a nice slow sail

through the esophagus,
I always say--

which in
the Greek is oisophagos.

Uh, "throat boat"--
that's two down.

And a gazillion to go.

They don't know
Grandpa like we do.

They'll see once
he kicks into gear.

[ water spraying]

Uh-oh! Should have used

the little boys' room
when I had the chance.

Did you empty the t*nk, Scout?

[ others snickering]

Well, whatever it was, it seems
to have stopped at Kentucky.

He's normal.

Thank goodness.

Now, when
you say "normal"...

Thank you, doctor.

Isn't this great news, Dil?

Wicked good.

You're the doc...

[ burps]:
Doc.

A skeleton walks into a diner,
orders a soda and a mop.

[ plays rim sh*t]

[ laughter]

You the kid who made
that film at school,

When Fifth-Graders att*ck?

Yep-- and the sequel,

When Sixth-Graders
att*ck Back.

Impressive work.

You're okay...
for a ten-year-old.

You can hang with us.

Sweet!

That's cool.

SKELETON:
You'll never guess

what I had
for dinner last night.

Ribs!

[ rim sh*t]

[ laughs]

SKELETON:
Hold onto
your craniums.

This is going
to rattle your bones!

[ children screaming]

Whoa, the Spleen Scream.

Mother of all
roller coasters.

CHUCKIE:
Hey, Tommy!

Now, I know why
they call it

the Spleen Screa...

[ screaming]

Let's go!

We're still
exhibits

away from the spleen.

Hold your horses.

Got a bone to pick.

It says here in the brochure

that the funny bone's
not actually a bone at all.

It's, uh,
some kind of nerve.

Talk about nerve,
you're ruining my act, Pops.

Not to mention
our whole day.

Huh? What was that?

Crank up
the hearing aid, fossil.

Man, the Spleen Scream
is one more fun thing

we won't be doing today.

Which also means we can say
adios to our key chains.

I know.

Bringing Grandpa Lou
wasn't exactly a great idea.

What was
Tommy thinking?

[ Dil burping letters]

Hmm, the best route
seems to be...

Uh, this way-- moving on.

[ generic music playing]

Whoa, slow it down
there, Slugger.

We're whizzing
right by the heart exhibit.

It's busted,
so we can go... now.

Well, it's
one less sticker
we've got to get.

I love
a technicality.

Bet it's pretty cool
in there.

That's off limits.

Come on, fellas.

And that's what makes
the appendix

one of the most impressive,
yet utterly useless organs.

Where you guys been?

Pretty much no where.

And it's been a zero
on the gross-ometer.

Guys, we've
totally caught up.

Check it out.

Tommy, I don't know
how to tell you this,

but I guess plain English
is the best way.

Uh, we lapped you.

[ groaning]

I'm giving this one
to Kimmie,

because she's
a good kid... ney.

Get it?

Kid-ney?

Okay, off
to the thigh.

Yeah, we may be slow,
but at least

we're not catching
bad-joke Beaker-itus.

Hey guys, it's not too late.

And Grandpa's moving...
a little faster,

in case you
haven't noticed.

[ yawning]

I'm pooped.

We could all use
a rest anyway, right?

[ groaning]:
No!

You look rested
to me, Grandpa.

Let's go and...

and maybe from now on,
you can just give us

the "best-of"
instead of reading

the entire pamphlet.

Okay?

Oh, really?

Thought it was my job.

And a fine job,
you've done.

Well... Ooh!

[ belches]

[ burps]

[ belches]

[ burping continues]

[ belches]

[ laughs nervously]

Burning Stomach's
the second-best ride.

Now, these straps remind me

of when we parachuted smack-dab
in the middle of an enemy fort,

where they were having,
of all things,

a potluck dinner.

Um, hey, Grandpa,

they can't start the ride

until everyone's strapped in.

[ kids whining and complaining]

Come on, maybe
we should sit
this one out.

GRANDPA:
Huh?

Why... why, I was just getting
to the good part.

I've heard that old w*r story
a million times.

Could you at least tell one
from this century?

I thought you liked
my stories, Scout.

And can you please
not call me that?

"Scout"?

I've always
called you that.

Listen, Grandpa.

You're going to have
to get with the program,

like... like
pick up the pace

and... and stop messing

with your hearing aid
and... and stop kind of...

Kind of what?

Stop doing all your weird stuff.

Grandpa you're...
totally embarrassing me!

Well, if I'm
"embarrassing"
you so much,

maybe I shouldn't
have offered

to help out
in the first place.

I just meant you're acting so...

so...

Old?

Well, excuse me
for living.

Grandpa...

Maybe I'm not as spry
as I used to be.

Maybe my hearing
isn't what it once was.

Fact is, I am old,

and there's nothing
I can do about it.

It's just that my friends...

Save it.

No time for your stories
right now, either.

We're moving out!

No dilly-dallying, folks.

Got a lot of body to cover
and not much time!

Fast enough
for you, Thomas?

SEAN:
All right, Pickles.

Way to push the "fast forward"
button on your grandpa.

[ hesitantly]:
Yeah.

We're catching up fast.

Yeah, but it'd be nice

if we could at least stop
and smell the mucus.

GRANDPA:
This is the left lung.

Right one looks the same.

Moving on!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

[ shouting]

Gee, Grandpa,
maybe we could

slow down
just a little.

You don't say.

[ Grandpa laughing]

GRANDPA [ happily]:
Hey!

Whoo-hoo!

You okay, Grandpa?

My sacroiliac.

I just need to sit down
for a minute.

Our dreams of making it
to the toes

just crashed and b*rned.

Time to ditch.

You coming, Pickles?

Uh, we can't leave.

He'll be fine.

Just give him a minute.

[ child giggling]

Well, it's not
the first time

I nearly threw
my gosh darn back out.

I remember once when
I was chasing Tommy...

He'd just ripped
his diaper off, see,

and he was heading
for the front yard.

GRANDPA:
Oh, you should
have seen

those cute little
butt cheeks

flapping in the wind.

[ all laughing]

That tears it.

Let's go.

And that's when
he learned

that bare buns
and rose bushes
don't mix.

TOMMY:
But I thought
the whole idea

was to get to
the toes faster.

Yeah, and without
your gramps, we will.

We just want to check
this out first.

We're not allowed.

"Not allowed" is what

we do best.

Looks dangerous and...
and boring, so...

I say it's cool.

Oh, that doesn't
look very...

Watch it!

Whoa!

[ crash]

Oh, man.

[ whimpering]

Where can we find
Dr. Cartunian?

Dr. Davis sent our son
to him for tests.

He's headed into surgery.

What?!
Surgery?!

The leg was worse
than we thought.

Leg?

Dil!
Dil!

[ straining]

I could use
some help.

You want to get

out of here or what?

I don't do
manual labor.

[ straining]

My grandpa taught me
the leverage trick

when we built
my tree house.

Nice sh*t.

Yeah.

Learned it from
the Fishing Channel.

It was on a lot in our house
when I was growing up.

And I can guess
who was watching it.

The geezer, right?

You know what, Sean?

My grandpa may do
embarrassing stuff sometimes,

but he's still my grandpa!

So shut your pie hole!

BOY:
What do we do
about that?

Pick a spot...

stare at it...

clear your mind.

What's that
going to do?

You heard Tommy.

Shut it, Sean!

Let the kid work.

[ straining]

Got it!

Whoa.

[ engine chugging]

[ heart machine thumping]

[ camera shutter clicks]

Big enough to be
from a giraffe

or a... a flamingo.

Tommy's got to see this.

Where'd you say he was again?

[ give conflicting locations]

Come to think of it,
where are those older boys?

All right!

Let's move it out troops.

We've got a recon mission.

Stop!
No!

Please, tell me
you're Dr. Cartunian.

There's nothing wrong
with his leg!

Oops, sorry.

Have a nice... hey!

I think you're looking
for the other Dr. Cartunian--

my father.

Try the cafeteria.

LIL:
Oh, where can they be?

We've looked from
the head to the feet.

It's way too soon
to admit defeat.

We'll find them.

Wait a goldarn minute here.

If that heart exhibit's
on the fritz,

why is it b*ating?

[ boys straining]

It's not working.

Any more big ideas,
Mr. Filmmaker?

I'm too young,
cool and popular to die.

GRANDPA:
Tommy boy?

You in there?

TOMMY:Grandpa!
We're trapped.

The valve door's stuck.

Well, cool your jets,
Scout.

We'll get you out.

Oh, man!

You found us!

Thanks!

And... uh, hurry!

Again with the hurry.

What's with you
whippersnappers?

Shouldn't you get help?

You go.

[ steam hissing]

I got to stay here
before she blows.

Looks like you fellas
are in the left ventricle.

Should be a pulmonary artery
opening somewhere behind you!

Found it!

But it's really small.

You have to combat crawl
like I did during the w*r.

Remember?

Follow me, guys.

We're almost out.

Just keep going.

SEAN:
What's happening?

Hold on, kids, I'm coming in!

I'll get to you.

Hey, Grandpa, isn't this
just like the sewer pipe

your platoon
escaped through?

Well, I'll be.

Sure is.

Only it smells better.

Okay, that escape took
perfect synchronization.

Now, one, two, three...

Crawl!

One, two, three...

crawl!

One, two, three...

ALL:
Go!

[ machine rumbling, hissing]

[ alarms wailing]

[ steam whistling]

[ shivering]

Okay...

I'm glad you tell
w*r stories.

Good, because there's
a whole lot more

where that one came from.

[ panting]

Dil!
Dil!

[ with mouth full]:
Mom! Dad!

Of all the people
at this table,

which one is totally burp-free?

Me!

This doc's the doc!

That's wonderful.

Thank you,
Dr. Cartunian...

uh, Senior.

Yeah.

How did you do it?

Cabbage and syrup?

Jeez, Dil, that's odd...

even for you.

CARTUNIAN:
That's how I did it.

Works every time.

Still, one can't help
but wonder

how you stumbled
upon this effective,

yet scrumptious cure.

When you've been around
as long as I have,

you have time to try
just about everything.

Well, he's cured,
and that's all
that matters.

Right, Dil?

[ burping]:
Alaska.

[ gasps]

Kidding!

PHIL:
Cool.

Now I have a liver inside
and out.

Love the key chain.

Good.

But you still
need a key.

There's time for one more ride
on the Spleen Scream.

KIDS:
Yeah!

[ kids shouting happily]

Let's go, Scout.

It's what you've been
waiting for, right?

Uh, Grandpa, there's
actually something
I'd rather do.

So once you got your company
out of the sewage pipe...

The enemy was everywhere.

We were surrounded.

Had to think fast
on my feet

to get out that pickle.

[ both laughing]

DIL [ burping]:
West Virginia.
Post Reply