02x01 - Interview With A Campfire

[bunniefuu]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

[ rope creaking]

[ phone ringing]

Hello?

MAN [ on phone]:
Are you the lady
of the house?

Yeah, sort of-- why?

Are you happy with your
long-distance service?

Yes, and I'm hanging up now.

What's the hurry...
Lil?

[ gasps]

[ exclaims]

[ chuckles]

Scared of a little
popcorn, eh?

Is this Phil?

Phil's at
the baseball game,
remember?

Tell me who you are
or I'm hanging up!

Did you know
that you can save $

with our weekends plan?

[ gasps]

Listen, freak...

Are you sure you locked
all the doors?

Even the doggie door?!

[ screaming]

[ laughs]

[ sighs]

Lame, party of one,
your table's ready.

This horror movie thing
is a bust.

I promise not to laugh
next time, Tommy.

Nope, I'm all out of summer.

ANGELICA:
Don't rush it, Pickles!

Summer ain't over
till the fat lady sings--

and gets the lead
in the camp musical.

"Phat" with a "p-h," that is.

I see your ego
is fat

with a capital F.

Going to summer school
for summer school

I got to cram
months of fun
into one week.

I refuse
to come home
until I find

at least one thing
I'm good at.

I'm banking on a run-in
with Bigfoot--

not serious quality time,

just a brief visual in the woods
will do.

I plan on reshooting my movie.

If nothing else,

at least the camp location
will be creepy, right?

It's Mrs. Deville's wild ride!

Betty, please,
keep the bouncing to a minimum.

I just had kidney surgery.

I didn't know her kidneys
were in her face.

Oh, Stu... she had
some freshening up

and she doesn't want
everyone to know.

If her skin was
pulled any tighter,

she'd have eyes
on the side of her head.

Randy!

[ both laughing]

Well, this is it, folks.

Welcome to Camp Everwood!

I'm Chance,
your camp supervisor,

musical director
and playwright.

Ellie here runs

the bait, tackle
and doughnut shop.

Store's open
from : to : weekdays...

and I specialize
in granite arrowheads--

to keep ghosts away,

because Camp Everwood

is haunted... "curs-ed," even.

Cursed?

No, "curs-ed."

Bit of a whack
job, she.

And that tall drink
of creek water is Bean.

Okay, nature lovers,
let's get you all settled in

so we can get this show
on the road!

This is where
you'll be performing

my original musical,
Westward, No!

I don't want to spoil
the surprise,

but my uncle's cousin's friend

who walks dogs for
a casting director

is coming to the show!

Today, Camp Everwood,
tomorrow...

off-off-Broadway!

ALL [ mocking accent]:
Off-off-Broadway!

Ooh, call me crazy,

but I'd swear
this place is air-conditioned.

It means ghosts are around.

Coming from the man
who communicates with aliens

through his Alpha-Bits cereal.

Come on!
Get a move on!

What's the rush?

We've got a
whole week.

Not a lot of time

for a Finster
to find his talent.

Took my dad
years to realize

he could whistle
in three octaves.

He wasted his childhood
not knowing he had a gift.

That won't happen to me.

[ arrow whooshes]

Hey, where'd mine go?

I guess I can cross
archery off my list.

[ bees buzzing]

Run!

[ yelling]

[ screams]

Add it to my bill,
Dr. Carmichael.

[ reel spinning]

PHIL:Ow!

No, Mom,
leave it on.

You want a snapping
turtle on your toe?

I don't want to miss out.

Pain is a part
of the camp experience.

[ groaning]

Yeah, so is poison ivy,

but I don't go
rubbing it on my tush.

CHUCKIE:
Whoa!

I got it!

[ concertina squeaking]

Another thing
to cross off my list.

[ hawk calling]

[ both groaning]

Hiking bites.

You said it.

You girls want
to rest?

No way!

I could go
for miles!

[ moans]

[ grunting]

There he is!

We fell
for it twice,

but if you think
we'd look again,
you're whack.

[ sighs]

[ groans]

Oh, dear, I think
we lost Lucy

on that last hill.

LUCY:
Oh, the view!

It's breathtaking.

[ women groan]

[ engine rumbling]

You can do it, honey!

[ yells as engine accelerates]

What's the maximum
number of tries?

I think we settled on .

KIMI:
Come on, Chuckie,

it's just
a rope swing.

To you, maybe;

to me it's
a lethal w*apon.

Plus I hate
climbing and...

[ screams]

Look, son, we're
a human pyramid!

Whoa, watch out!

It's the
Loch Ness monster!

You got my back
on this one,
right, Bean?

CHANCE:
Auditions are tomorrow.

And I expect you all there...

except the Ferguson boys.

Chance, who's
the lead character?

Eliza Lockhart.

That's who I'll
be playing.

BOTH:
You wish!

That part is mine, sisters!

[ fire crackling,
crickets chirping]

Bye, Shelly--
it's been real...

painful.

Dumped for a s'more.

I guess love is fickle.

According to the play,

the Everwood settlers
were migrating west

when they stopped
here to camp.

But one night, three of them
mysteriously disappeared.

The rest of them
refused to move on

until they found their friends.

So they set up permanent camp
at Pioneer Rock--

a massive rock shaped
like a man's head

whose eyes glow
when there's a full moon.

PHIL:
The coolest part is

when their horse
covered wagon
finally showed up,

there was
no one inside.

And did anyone ever find
the missing settlers?

CHANCE:
No, no.

But in Westward, No,

the missing folks
discover a hot springs,

open up the first saloon/day spa
and live wealthily ever after--

my own
personal spin.

But not the real story.

Legend has it...

three of the pioneers
went off to find
food and supplies.

Weeks later, there
was still no sign
of the missing three.

[ coughing]

Maybe we
should move on.

I, Eliza Lockhart,
am not going anywhere

until our kinfolk are found.

[ horse whinnying]

There's no one there!

BEAN:
Soon they ran out of food,

went mad and perished
on this very soil.

Every full moon--

we call it
the Zombie Moon--

their spirits are said
to haunt the grounds,

sucking out the brains
of innocent campers,

who disappear,
only to return as zombies

destined
to spend eternity

looking for
the missing settlers.

[ woman screams]

[ gasps]

[ owl hoots]

[ woman screams]

TOMMY:
The screams came
from in there.

[ all gasp]

Well, apparently the "hot"
nozzle is just for show.

BOY:
We didn't get parts.

You didn't audition.

Oh. Yeah...

Bad news: I got
the worst part of all--

the back end of the horse!

Congratulations,
Angelica.

I knew I'd get the lead!

[ laughing merrily]

She was like...
the opposite of good.

Consider the source.

The same guy
who wrote this play

is the one
who cast her.

But Susie was
wicked awesome,

and she should
have been the lead.

Thanks, but
I'm cool with it.

Hey... I'm the deacon.

And, Lucy, you're...
painting sets?

What can I say?

I'm tone-deaf.

Oh, come on, doc,
you can't excel
at everything.

DIDI:
We've been traveling

for days.

I say we set up
camp for the night.

The physician/barber
has a point.

I agree with
the candy butcher.

[ coughs weakly]

CHANCE:
Oh... three days of rehearsal
and this is all you've got?

Remember, Kira,
you are consumptive.

So put a little feeling
in them coughs.

Charlotte, what is
with the rewrites

on the town idiot speech?!

I upgraded her
to the town idiot-savant.

Maybe, if you cast me
in the proper role,

it'd be easier for me
to say the lines.

Sorry I got the part
you wanted, Charlotte.

But if I do
say so myself,

I was born to play
Saddle Annie.

Moving on!

Settlers who go missing,
stage right,

please...

How can you
say that, Eliza?

Stay here?!

In the middle of nowhere?!

We'll be risking
the lives of our children!

I, Eliza Lockhart, am only
concerned for my fellow man

and my fellow horse.

It's your line, horse.

BOTH:
They...

[ gasping]

[ kids yell]

[ groaning]

TOMMY:
Cut!

DIL:
T., you asleep?

Me awake.

And Chance busted you
for bailing on rehearsal.

You have to scrape gum
off the theater seats.

He calls that a punishment?

Camp is sweet!

Sometimes I'd swear you grew up
next to a power plant.

That is
the nicest thing

anyone's ever
said to me.

Listen, T., you got
to start rolling tape.

There's something
really weird about
this camp,

and not just that
Bigfoot and friends

are always
hanging around.

My gut tells me
the crazy old lady is right--

Camp Everwood ishaunted.

The only scary thing
about this place

is that tomorrow night
we'll be performing

the worst musical
ever written

in front of
a live audience.

It pains me, T.--
so young, so cynical.

[ wind whistling]

[ horse whinnies]

Did you guys hear that?

Dil, you awake?

[ crickets chirping]

Hello?

[ horse whinnies]

[ screams]

TOMMY:
It was the creepiest thing
I've ever seen,

and it proves Camp Everwood
is haunted.

Welcome to
the dark side, bro.

There's a Zombie Moon tonight,
and if I can find this rock,

it's the textbook setting
for my movie.

What if the legend is true?

We could be risking our lives.

Chuckie, you'll be
my assistant director.

You sure about that?

Odds are I'll be bad.

You're the only man
for the job.

The rest of you guys
cannot flake on me.

I couldn't write a better
horror movie if I tried.

If the curse
and brain-sucking pioneers

are part of
the camp package,

sign me up!

Is Bean going?

He's leading
the way.

I'm in.

Hello! We have dress rehearsal
today and a show tonight.

And three hours in between
with nothing to do.

I'm not traipsing
around the woods

before opening night--
that's unprofessional.

So's this show.

It's that kind
of attitude

that put you
in the horse suit, Deville.

But, Susie,
you should go.

Your part's so small,
it won't even be missed.

Mm-hmm.

I'd better hang back.

I'm the understudy.

If one of them kills
the other, I go on.

[ people chatting
as piano plays]

ELLIE:
Now, I done told you

everything I knowed
about them pioneers.

TOMMY:
Just one more question.

What can you tell us
about Pioneer Rock?

During the Zombie Moon,

if that man-faced rock
gets you under its spell,

you got to turn 'round
'fore sunup

or you ain't never comin' back.

TOMMY:
Last question, Ellie.

Has anyone from Camp Everwood
ever disappeared?

Yep-- some of them louder kids
was hiking,

and they saw that rock.

They was drawn to it.

It's the
spirit's headquarters.

When them kids finally
come back to camp,

they's all stupid-like,

like they don't never got
no brain or nothin'.

[ continues playing piano]

Boy, pretty scary, huh?

The rock thing... yeah.

No, the triple-negative thing:

"Don't never got no brain
or nothin'."

Not easy to pull off
but fun to say.

ALL:
"Don't never got no brain
or nothin'."

[ blows whistle]

From the top of the show.

[ piano music resumes]

What's eating you,
Smithy Spencer?

I've seen enough
of this small New England town.

I'm ready to go west.

How far west?

As west as I can go
without drowning.

[ knock at door]

Who could that be a-knockin'?

I don't know.

All the townsfolk
are here.

Maybe it's a snake
oil salesman.

Or a bear.
Or a... [ coughs]

[ knock at door]

[ gasps]

It's winter!

[ all gasp]

[ begins playing jaunty music]

♪ From late October
to February ♪

♪ This town is like a tomb.

♪ I've been keepin' company
with my washboard and my loom. ♪

♪ Yee-haw!

♪ Can't leave the house,
it's too darn cold ♪

♪ We never have a vis'tor.

♪ It's the saddest time of year
for every miss and mister. ♪

♪ Winter comes a-knockin',
but I'm not answerin'. ♪

ALL:
♪ Knock-knock!

♪ Some say I'm in denial--
so sue me, that's no sin. ♪

♪ Knock-knock!

♪ You can knock all day
and knock all night. ♪

♪ Please pass
the aspirin. ♪

♪ Ha-ha!

♪ I wish I had six fingers
on one hand like Anne Boleyn. ♪

[ piano hits sour chord]

ALL:
♪ Winter comes a-knockin',
but I'm not answerin'. ♪

♪ Knock-knock!

[ music continues]

[ sputtering]

[ yelling]

[ sobs]

Oh, my set!

That's our cue.

For what?

To make a run
for it.

[ exhales with exasperation]

Amateurs...

Stu... do not set
foot on my stage

until you can do
a shuffle ball change!

Oh, and Howard?

You're fired.

I'm happy to be out
of this dog-and-pony show!

But just so you know, you'll
never be able to replace me!

Never!

You with the rake,

take Howard's place, will you?

[ groans quietly]

[ hooting]

Lead the way, Brother Bean.

[ all gasp]

Hmm...

Uh-oh...

Busted.
Uh, we were just looking for...

Save it.

We know
what you're up to,
and we want in.

I'm giving up the theater
and moving on to films!

You are making a movie, right?

Sweet!

Anything to keep from practicing
my shuffle ball change.

I haven't had
a hot shower in days.

And if there's
an underground hot spring,

I'm going to find it.

Okay, settlers,
let's make this movie.

This is awesome!

With everybody
in costume,

it looks like
the real thing.

Thank me, you solid guys,

and talk old, old, old school.

Take heed the foliage,
town idiot.
[ yells]

LIL:
How do we know
where we're going?

We shall useth
the light of the full mooneth

to guide us
through the wilderneth.

Well said,
Smithy Spencer.

[ grunts]

I'm going to go ahead
and fire myself now.

Good call.

CHUCKIE:
I wonder what people do

who aren't good at anything.

Chuckie, you're good
at lots of stuff.

Like what?

Does anybody have a clue?!

You're a good friend.

That and a quarter
will get me

a super-size jawbreaker

with a bubblegum center!

It seems like we've
been here before.

Are we lost... eth?

Maybe we'd better
go backeth.

If we don't get
out of the woods
by sunup,

we may never get out.

Did you guys feel that?

Something's pulling me--
like an invisible force.

We're getting close--

I can feel it, too.

[ all yelling]

What's going on up there?

Dead end!

[ gasps]

There's the rock!

CHARLOTTE:
It's amazing!

And creepy.

STU:
And as smooth
as Charlotte's new forehead.

Oh, you really
think so?

I've got to get to that rock.

But how?

There's got to be
another path.

If the pioneers got through,
so can we.

Hallelujah!

Brother Bean found the way.

[ bats squeaking]

DIL:
You're right, Bean.

Every time it seems like
we're almost there, we're not.

CHANCE:
It's almost curtain time
and half my cast isn't here.

Does anyone want to tell me
why this is happening to me?

He's here.

Who?

ALL:
His uncle's cousin's friend

who walks dogs
for a casting director!

But what'll I do
without the rest of my actors?
Oh, my play is ruined.

All my hopes, my dreams

dashed against the rocks
like a wayward clam.

Oh, wait-- I'll recast.
Duh!

Drew-- you play the first
settler to disappear.

Kimi, you are the second.

And I guess I'll play
Smithy Spencer.

Yeah, I didn't see that coming.

[ cr*ck]

[ all gasp]

[ bats squeaking]

Wouldn't it be weird if we
went missing like the settlers?

Or, option two, we run
into brain-sucking pioneers

and spend the rest
of our lives as zombies.

[ hooting]

I'm ready
to go back now.

But we're almost there--
for real this time.

ANGELICA:
I, Eliza Lockhart, decree

that it is indeed
another fine day

in this little town
we call New Yorkshire.

It's been cloudy and cold
for six weeks in a row.

Makes a feller wish
he was in California.

♪ Go pack your bags
and grab your mules ♪

♪ You're all invited,
let's carpool ♪

♪ If you stay behind,
you'll feel a fool. ♪

BOTH:
♪ California or bust!

SUSIE:
♪ Can't wait
for terra incognita... ♪

♪ But don't forget
to wipe your feet-a... ♪

♪ These golden shores,
they could be "neatah"... ♪

ALL:
♪ California or bust!

♪ Let's blaze a trail
across the land ♪

♪ Won't stop till we see sun

♪ And if we're low on firewood

♪ We'll burn dried bison dung

♪ Go west, young girls,
and don't look back now... ♪

♪ I'm on my way, sir,
after that ow... ♪

♪ Anyone mind
if I bring my cow? ♪

ALL:
♪ California or bust!

We'll be right back

after we gather...
food, water and firewood.

And don't go a-eatin'
all the berries

while we're gone--
I counted 'em.

What are we supposed to do
while they're gone?

I'm bored.

[ grunting
and groaning]

We can play hangman.

[ grunts]

Or look for sh**ting stars.

Or...

[ coughs weakly]

No!

We can't do anything!

♪ Don't move a muscle

♪ Don't talk and don't breathe

♪ 'Cause you know and I know
where all of that leads ♪

♪ You're asking for trouble
if you're stealing glances ♪

♪ Just don't do anything

♪ 'Cause everything
leads to dancin'. ♪

CHORUS:
♪ Hi-ho, hi-hee-hee

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la

♪ Bada-bum, bada-bee-dee

♪ Ba-bay-bay, bo-baa.

♪ If you hear the music,
don't walk, run away ♪

♪ Put wool in your earholes,
my mama would say ♪

♪ Of course she was crazy,
still I won't take chances ♪

♪ Just don't do anything

♪ 'Cause everything
leads to dancin'. ♪

[ snoring]

Oh, I get it.

He went missing.

Thanks for clearing
that up for me.

[ yawns loudly,
resumes snoring]

GROUP [ fearfully]:
Whoa...

If only this rock
could talk.

The things
he'd say.

You were wrong, Stu.

This baby puts my forehead
to shame.

Stu?

Uh, where's Dad?

Smithy Spencer went missing.

[ echoing]:
Missing... missing... missing.

[ bats squeaking]

[ all shouting]

TOMMY:
Well, where is he?

Do you know what this means?

Our dad is the first victim
of the brain-sucking pioneers.
[ gasps]

Awesome.

[ all scream]

I'm sorry I doubted
you guys before.

But now I'm definitely
a believer!

Why are
you yelling?!

In scary movies,

the nonbelievers are
the first ones to go.

Oh, to be young
and ridiculously nalïve.

Stu felt guilty
about bailing on Chance,

so he went back to the show.

Of course he did.

And we should do
the same.

Now-- right now!

If he did go back,
why didn't he say good-bye?

Maybe he didn't know
how to say it in Old English.

I'm not leaving
until we find my dad.

Oh, all right, I'll play along.

Stu, where are you?

If you're already a zombie,
cough twice.

TOMMY:
Uh... this is
what we'll do.

Split into groups and search
the woods near the rock.

We have to find him
before it's too late.

Too late
for what?

ALL:
Don't never got
no brain or nothing.

There's no sign
of Smithy Spencer.

Or... [ spits]
our horse covered wagon.

Are you saying Smithy Spencer
stole Julie, the horse,

and made his way west

to the land of sun
and raining oranges...

leaving us without food
or water or even, um....

something that starts with an n?

[ whispers]:
Sing!

[ clears throat]

♪ There never was a horse
as fine as she ♪

♪ Bought her off a sailor--
bad, tax free ♪

♪ On his way
to the glue factory ♪

♪ But she was rejected,
lucky me... ♪

You-- go!
Huh?

Sing!

♪ Miss Julie, oh, Julie

♪ I'm missing you so

♪ I never thought
you'd be apart from me ♪

♪ As friends go,
we two are simpatico ♪

♪ You left me with
nothing but memories ♪

♪ You left me with nothing
but memories. ♪

[ song ends; applause]

Huh?

[ applause]

Wrap it up, Carmichael.

Oh, where art thou,
town physician/barber?

Town idiot-savant,
is that you?

[ audience gasps]

CHARLOTTE [ calmly]:
Stu!

Oh, Stu!

Don't wear yourself out,
Charlotte.

What?

I had to stay
by the big, bad rock

in case he was
"drawn back" to it.

Did you hear that?

What?
Shh.

I didn't...
Shh.

That's running water.

Underground hot springs,
come to Mama!

She's a sitting duck.

Can you say
"victim number two"?

You know
what comes next.

ALL:
Don't never got
no brain or nothing.

Charlotte!

I'm ordering you
to stay with the groupeth!

PHIL AND LIL:
Dad!

Aunt Charlotte! Stu!

CHUCKIE:
No!

They're picking us off
like flies.

Those pioneers
are going to get us all.

They're going
to get us all!

Don't go aggro
on us, Chuckie.

If we start to panic,
it's going to get bad.

Oh, right-- because
I thought it was bad now!

[ hawks call]

[ rustling]

[ screams]

You were right, bro.

That rock has
a hold over us.

[ Chuckie screams]

I know we're in the middle
of a crisis here,

possibly on our way
to permanent zombification,

but I think
it's important to note

climbing is a skill, a talent.

Yes, it is,

but not that impressive
when you take into account

I was running from a deer!

[ sighs]

[ shouts, grunts]

It's a journal.

No, nothing broken.

Thanks for asking.

[ blows air]

"Property of Deborah Mae Lou,

surviving member of
the Everwood settlers-- ."

LIL:
"Winter is upon us

"and I fear the worst
for those lost.

"Today the physician/barber
was declared missing,

"the third to go.

"His disappearance
remains a mystery

"and with our brains
half frozen,

one too complex
for us to solve."

The first brain freeze.

"I waved to him
as he fetched water

"from the old oak tree
by the man-faced rock.

"He will be
deeply missed,

though not necessarily
for his accordion playing."

"And I regret this
is my last entry

as my fingers are fro..."

What's "fro"?

"Fro-zen."

TOMMY:
Where you going?

Didn't you notice
the similarity

between
the disappearances?

All three settlers went missing
after getting water

by the big oak tree
at the base of that rock.

Yeah, well, that rock
is bad news.

Face it-- we're
all going to "fro..."

No-- there might be a logical
explanation for all this.

PHIL:
I don't think
this is a good idea.

I've seen enough
scary movies to know

we're walking into
the belly of the beast!

Phil's right.

Which means I can't
stop taping now.

What's the matter, Tommy?

TOMMY:
Do you realize

three people are missing
and I'm still sh**ting my movie?

My dad disappeared

and I'm worried
about coverage.

What is wrong with me?

You care more
about your movie

than the lives
of your friends and family.

Philip!He's right.

I risked our lives
because I'm... obsessed!

And if I'm like this as a kid,
imagine when I'm old.

I'll be trading
my own mother

for a mini-DV
with instant replay.

Blame it
on the rock, bro.

Worked for me.

No, this is my deal.

Chuckie, I want you to take
Roman and destroy him.

Uh, Tommy,
you're still recording.

See what I mean?

I'm out of control!

Smash it!

Smash it to smithereens!

Wait! If we never come back,

this'll be the only record
of what happened to us.

You have to keep
sh**ting, Tommy.

But I already
destroyed it.

Actually, there's
not a mark on it.

Oh, I can't even
wreck things right.

Ha-ha,
lucky for me.

Come on, Chuckie,
lead the way.

What are we supposed
to be looking for?

I'm not sure.

[ all yell]

Run!

I'm not saying
a word.

Shelly!

Ow!

[ groans]

Be careful,
Chuckie.

ALL [ screaming]:
Chuckie!

How did that just happen?

He went missing
right in front of us.

CHUCKIE [ echoing]:
I didn't go missing!

Chuckie?

CHUCKIE [ echoing]:
Still not missing!

Whoa.

If I let go, will I fall
into a black hole or wormhole

or a pile of snakes?

No. No. Not sure
about the last one.

[ cr*ck]

[ screams]

It's an underground tunnel.

I'm going in.

You know
if we go in,

we may never
come out.

[ hawk calls]

DIL:
I can't believe I'm here--

an actual alien lab
transport system.

No, Dil, it's
a mine shaft,

probably used
to move gold
during the gold rush.

There may
be dozens,

even hundreds
of these tunnels
under the woods--

which makes me think

everyone who went missing
probably fell into one of them.

Oh, yeah, right.

And the brain-sucking pioneers
had nothing to do with it.

Is fire engine red
a natural eye color?

Funny-- I thought
his eyes were blue.

No offense, Dil,
but there's something
strange about that guy.

I know.

Isn't he great?

[ rat squeaks]

LIL:
It's getting
really cold.

DIL:
We all know what that means.

It starts with a "g-h"
and ends with an "ost."

PHIL:
How long before
we can turn around?

I just hope we'll be able
to find our way out when we do.

Oh, we will.

I marked the wall.

It's an old miner's trick.

TOMMY:
Miners tracked
their way

using bunnies?

It's the only thing
I know how to draw.

[ muffled voices in distance]

I just heard
people talking.

Or zombies.

Or zombies?

[ muffled voices]

We've got to check it out.

Bye, Mom, Grandpa.

I'd say good-bye to you, Dad,
but you may already be a zombie,

in which case this would
all go right over your head.

Anyway, if I don't
make it out alive,

this movie will be my swan song,
so please,

honor my final request
and show it in letterbox.

[ grunts]

It won't budge.

What's in here?
Rocks?

[ kids screaming]

Kids?!

BOTH:
Dad?!

BOTH:
Stu?!

Well, it's about time.

We thought you
went missing.

Nothing that eventful.

We just fell
through a mine shaft.

TOMMY:
Why were you playing cards
instead of trying to get out?

We were trying until we got
trapped behind this cart.

It's a miracle
you were able
to move it.

But more importantly,
how'd youfind us?

Chuckie.

And a little help
from this.

After reading
the journal,

I suspected
the same thing

that happened
to the missing
settlers

happened to you.

Except for the getting snowed in
and freezing to death part.

May I seeth it?

No way.

TOMMY:
What is it, Dil?
What's wrong?

It's a picture

of the Everwood
settlers.

TOMMY:
So?

DIL:
Back row.

Third guy
from the left.

It's Bean!

Bean's a ghost?

[ screaming]

Wasn't... he... with you?

DIL:
He's gone!

Now that the mystery's solved,

the brain-sucking pioneers
can rest in peace.

Good! Now let's
get out of here!

Follow the bunnies!

[ crickets chirping]

STU:
Charlotte, you'll have
to pick up the pace

or we'll miss the whole show.

Tough toenails.
Literally.

I refused to wear those
hideous pioneer boots

and now I'm paying for it.

Now that everyone's safe,
I've got to say...

my horror movie
is genius!

I've got real, live
skeletons on tape
and a ghost.

Oh, wait--
do ghosts show up on video?

Seriously, how many people
can say
their best friend is a ghost?

Don't know-- six,
maybe seven, tops.

[ horse whinnies]

[ whinnies]

[ all gasp]

Get back here,
you good-for-nothing horse!
[ all sigh]

Oh I don't know, Ellie.

I think that horse just might be
good for something.

[ audience yawning and snoring]

I guess we'll never
know what happened

to the settlers
who went missing.

This underground hot springs
sure was a good... find.

If only our friends
were here to see it.

Oh! The real missing
settlers are back.

Yes, we're back,
but only in spirit.

When we went to look
for food and water,

we felleth down
an old mine shaft.

Then winter came.

Ooh....

And a harsh winter she was.

We got trapped underground,

entertaining ourselves
by playing cards.

And then it was so cold
our fingers "fro..."

and we could play no more.

[ upbeat tune begins]

♪ When I left East
back in the day ♪

♪ They promised paradise

♪ I bought their bunk
hook, line and sinker ♪

♪ Now I pay the price.

SUSIE:
♪ They spake of land
stretched far and wide ♪

♪ But it ain't
like the brochure ♪

♪ The streets they said
were paved with gold ♪

♪ Are paved with horse manure.

♪ That winter morn my pa told me
it's one of them day trips ♪

♪ Three years later,
we're still walking ♪

♪ What's next, apocalypse?

ALL:
♪ Are you gonna
go westward? No! ♪

♪ Just plant your feet
and don't look forward ♪

♪ Because the West is lame,
you know ♪

♪ Are you gonna go westward

♪ Gonna go westward

♪ Gonna go westward? No!

[ song ends; applause]

Bravo! Bravo! Bravissimo!

That... that's him.

Oh, he loved the show,
he loved the show!

Tonight, Camp Everwood,
tomorrow...

GIRLS [ mocking accent]:
Off-off-Broadway!

Maybe we'll come back
next year.

Not happening.

[ coughing weakly]

Show's over, honey.

You can stop coughing.

Actually, I can't.

I think I caught
something.

[ coughing]

My hat!

Aw, you keep it
as a souvenir, Shell.

You've already given me plenty.

Ouch.

[ singing soulfully]:
♪ You left me with nothing
but memories ♪

♪ You left me with
nothing but memories... ♪

Tone-deaf, huh?

Honestly, Betty, there
are a million things

you can do better
than I can.

Can we have your autograph?

Anything for my fans.

Not yours, kid.

Hers.

Oh, I thought you were
absolutely brilliant.

And if you ever come
to New York,

don't hesitate
to call this number.

Read it and weep,
Carmichael.

That guy just gave me
the number

of his casting
director friend.

"Todd Rorbacher,
dog walker."

[ chuckling]

[ screams]

BETTY:
Time to get on the road, folks!

TOMMY:
Did you guys happen to notice

that our cabin wasn't
freezing this morning?

Yep-- know what
that means?

Ghost's gone,

curse lifted.

Thanks to Chuckie.

I think I finally found
something I'm good at.

Really good.

Now all
you got to do is

find some other
weird little towns

with curses
that need lifting.

[ moans]

Dil, what ever happened

to your freaky
friend Bean?

[ static]

Don't never got no brain
or nothing.

[ screaming]

[ Kira coughing weakly]