02x02 - Bad Aptitude

[bunniefuu]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

Welcome to the Career Carnival.

Start following the career path
to your destiny,

but don't scuffle it.

It's a rental.

As if I'm going to decide
my whole career in one day.

[ groans]

I'm going to be a botanist.

Do you even know
what that is?

No, but their booth has
funnel cake.

Just think, somewhere in here
lies our futures.

Not mine;
I'm a done deal--

the eventual
greatest filmmaker ever,

which will be obvious
after the premiere

of my most meaningful film
to date,

Gesundheit.

You guys are
going to flip

when you see it.

Let's hope everyone does,

since it's kicking off
Flick Fridays.

Exactly how many gimmicks
is your dad going to try?

As many as it takes
to put the Java Lava
on the map.

No matter what,

it's still going to be better
than Free Foot Exam Tuesdays.

Don't forget to take

your career aptitude test
at the end.

Mine uncannily
predicted

that due to my natural charisma
and effervescence,

I was meant to mold young minds.

Oh, she's a beauty.

Come on, Betty,

time for the inaugural popping.

This puppy's going to change
our lives, Chasy,

and it's a breeze.

[ tires screech][ gasps]

Uh, thanks.

I bought
flavor packets.

I can't decide
which to try first--

banana cream pie or
Chinese chicken salad.

Any chance
one of those is butter?

Oops.

Eh.

Drop and roll!

Oh, no!

I should have gotten

the two-year,
,-kernel warranty.

It's broken already.

BOTH:
Oh!

What up, fellow
school inmates?

The career scores.

This should be good
for a laugh.

Mine says "good
organizational skills."

Hey, they suggest
wedding planner.

That actually
sounds fun.

"Film critic."

Wow, I can insult
really bad movies

that I can get
into for free.

"Male model"-- makes sense.

"Race car driver"?

[ others laughing]

Aren't you the guy who thinks
escalators go too fast?

Okay, guys, this test
is totally bogus.

Check it.

I scored through the roof
as a businessman.

I think we all know
I'm an artiste.

Whoa. I hoped to get "Earth's
ambassador to Alpha Centauri,"

but no, I get something weird--

"motivational speaker."

Well...

I do have inspiring stuff
to tell the world

about our alien brethren,
talking plants,

the medicinal properties
of marshmallow pizza.

Just think, millions will be
on the edge of their seats

just waiting to hear
what I have to say next.

Uh... guys?

KIMI:
The hero's character arc
only went

from happy to happier.

It's like it was made
for two-year-olds.

Uh, Kimi, it's
the Dummy Bear movie.

Prison warden, clown,
anything but race car driver.

Relax, Chuckie--
the test was
right about some

but way wrong
about others.

As in...

Hi, Phil.

Don't you mean Philippe?

Tommy Pickles,

a pleasure.

I'm Myron.

My associates,
Alfred and Sebastian.

Love ya.Mean it.

We're the founding
and only members

of the school's Business Leaders
and Entrepreneurs Club,

or BLEC.

Today's your lucky day.

We noticed your scores
on the career test

and are extending an offer
for you to join our team

and become a BLECie.

Aw, thanks, but I'm a filmmaker.

An artist--

the furthest thing from
a businessman there is.

Well, here's our cards.

Call us if you change your mind.

I won't, but here's
something for you,

a flyer for my
movie premiere.

MYRON:
Gesundheit.

One word, edgy,

slightly gross--

good marketing.

We'll be there.

Ah, can you feel
the movie magic?

Oh, Tommy's premieres
are exciting.

And I love these
clapboard cookies, Chas.

Not so sure about
the Gesundheit smoothie.

Chuckie, can you go in the back

and load more popcorn
on the dolly?

That stuff's selling
like hotcakes.

Is this awesome or what?

We're so proud
of you, Tommy.

Let's get a picture
of the genius director.

Sorry--
the camera loves Philippe.

That test call it or what?

Right.

Like Chuck's
a major speed demon.

Oh... yeah.

More like
a speed bump.

[ screaming]

Chuckie, are you okay?

Wow, that was...
was...

amazing!

What a rush.

I think I've felt
this way before--

the out-of-control-ness,
the careening.

Yes.

It was just like
the time in the car

when my dad was caught in a race

between the clock
and his bladder.

I almost made it, too.

Okay, folks, park your rumps.

It's movie time.

Welcome to Flick Fridays
at the Java Lava.

And to introduce
our special flick

is our own
soon-to-be-famous
director,

Tommy Pickles.

[ applause]

I prefer to let my work speak
for itself,

so without further ado,
I give you Gesundheit.

[ piano plays discordant notes]

[ sneezes]

Gesundheit.

Life is a sneeze
and we're all just tissue paper.

[ woman sneezes]

VOICE:
Gesundheit.

[ man sneezes]

VOICE:
Gesundheit.

[ man sneezes]

VOICE:
Gesundheit.

[ piano continues]

Gesundheit.

[ sneezes]

MAN:
Life is a sneeze.

Don't blow it.

[ sneezes]

VOICES:
Gesundheit.

[ audience grumbling]

It might be time to rethink
Arm Wrestling Wednesdays.

It, uh, really shows
the importance

of good personal
hygiene, sweetie.

Best movie about sneezing
I've ever seen, champ.

Save it.

My masterpiece is a flop.

[ clicks tongue]

Oh, what was I thinking?

A whole movie about sneezes?

Okay, all great artists have
their setbacks.

I've just got to jump right back
on the... camera.

My next film's going to rock.

Let's see...

Yes! Scummy Laundry.

I, uh... found
the clothes hamper
lacking in focus

compared to the tyranny
of the washing machine.

It wasn't bad...

much.

Great... orange
sock effect.

Uh... orange is
this year's white.

Maybe it needed a car chase.

You know, with someone driving
faster and faster,

with the wind whipping
through his hair,

faster and faster
and he can't get enough!

Um...

and he drives
to a laundromat.

You guys just didn't get it.

Because it made
no sense.

Why don't you just go back

to the good old
pre-Gesundheitdays?

Oh, I thought
I was past that.

Aren't artists always
supposed to be growing?

Maybe that test was right.

Maybe I'm not an artist
at all.

It was right about me.

Ow! Sassy.

We kind of think
it was right about us, too.

I've even taken the training
wheels off my skateboard.

That's great, guys.

Um... you know what?

I think I'd like to be alone.

You got it.Sure.
See you!

Sorry I'm late,
but I have exciting news.

I just motivated a withering
rose to bloom, yeah!

It took a few hours and
some sunlight and some water,

but I did it.

And I came up with
a great motivational slogan:

"Don't get down, get up!"

What's wrong, bro?

Aw, nothing,

just that I've lost
my talent and my
artistic vision.

Why am I talking
to withering plants

when before me sits
a living, breathing,
withering brother?

Tommy, don't get down...

Get out.

No, but close.

All right, dude,
needs some work.

At least you like my movie,
huh, Spike?

[ Spike whimpers]

Aw.

Be an individual!

Break free from the crowd!

Yes!

No...

We need to choose
your flowers

and color scheme
for the wedding.

But I just met him
in the lunch line.

I recommend butternut yellow.

You can never start too early!

I just got my first movie review
in the school paper.

Don't worry,
it wasn't Gesundheit.

Still bummed, huh?

It's not every day
your life dream is
pulverized into dust.

[ Chuckie yelling]

Z thought hewas taking
Chuckiefor a ride.

[ laughing]

See you guys.

T. Pickles,

just the kid
we wanted to see.

Walk with us,
talk with us.

We'll make it worth
your while.

Guys, I told you,

no way do I want
to be a BLECie.

Not even after...

well, you know...

"ah-choo"?

Nice.

Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, hang on.

We're sorry, aren't we, guys?

Sincerely.
Sincerely.

Look, your marketing for
Gesundheitwas phenomenal.

So, how about you give us
some advice

on Sebastian's new brainchild?

It's a combination
tie clip/stapler.

Well, you could call it
the Tieclapler.

Sell it in clothing
and office supply stores.

And get a celebrity to endorse
it, like a cheerleader:

"Is your tie always in the way
while stapling?

No more with the Buttclapler."

Uh, like that.

You don't need a queen!

Revolt!

Viva lademocracy!

You're real
BLEC material,
Pickles.

Thanks, but I told you,
I'm an artist.

And no offense,
but you guys are

a little high
on the weird-o-meter.

Hi, Tommy.
Can't stop now--

must go faster!

Check out Philippe's new pose.

Bye, guys.

We're weird?

We have got to rescue Tommy
from the dark side.

The BLECies represent
"the man,"

Big Brother,
penguin mind control.

The last one's just a theory.

Mom?

She's middle-aged.

Ow!

I mean from
the Middle Ages.

It's Medieval
Madness Monday.

Huzzah.
Huzzah!

So, will you guys help me keep
Tommy from being BLEC-ified?

I don't
know, Dil.

He is great at
promotional stuff.

Maybe he's meant to be
a businessman.

Negative. Negative. Negative.

He cannot give up his art.

It's who he is.

If only he could see how many
people his films have touched.

That's it.

Oh... idea forming...

taking shape...

Complete!

Go with me
on this, guys.

[ audience cheering]

Huh? Huh?

Just a few people
who love your films, T.

Look, Dil,
this is really nice,

but it's not
a good time for me.

I don't really want to be
in the spot... light.

KIMI:
And now we proudly present

clips from Tommy's
greatest work

as selected by a group
of film professionals--

me and Dil.

Roll it.

[ audience cheering]

[ all laughing]

[ laughter continues]

[ gasping, applauding]

And now, the man of the hour

with the filmmaking power,

who just this morning
took a shower,

Tommy Pickles!

[ cheering and applause]

TOMMY:
Uh, I want
to thank everyone

for coming.

This has really
opened up my eyes

and I now know for sure
what I have to do--

quit making movies.

[ audience gasps]

Well, seeing the good movies
I used to make

has convinced me
I've lost it.

So I'd like to announce my
retirement from film making.

[ audience gasps]

I did my best,
but pop stars like Emica

simply don't perform
at weddings--

especially theoretical,
-years-in-the-future ones.

[ whimpers]

My imaginary
dream wedding ruined!

I'll never get married now.

[ sobbing]

Whew.

Thanks.

Oh...

Pudding?

Can it, Phil.

Uh, "Philippe."

Come on, I'm trying
new looks.

How about this?

Let's get started,
gentlemen.

Time is money.

Okay.

Here's your BLECie ID badge,

complimentary cell phone,

and the key
to our executive gym.

A Butt-Blaster
in Alfred's garage.

Your first BLECie project: find
something to advertise and sell.

Bring it.

I can just smell the profits,

even if they do have to go
to the school.

Join us in
the ceremonial
BLECie cheer.

BLEC! BLEC! BLEC!

Okay, what to sell?

What...

[ screaming]

Whoa, slow down,
Chuckie.

Okay, but
I won't be happy

till I'm the
fastest kid alive.

That's nice,

but I've
kind of got

something
on my mind.

Whoa, Red.

You, like,
full on remind me

of a young
Wheels Thunderslide.

And look at him today,

only the bonzoest
daredevil ever.

We tried to score tickets
to his Wheels-a-Ganza,

but it sold out
in six minutes.

Well, speed on, bro.

Uh, speed on
to you, too!

I think I just found
my product.

If Wheels Thunderslide
can sell out an event,

so can
Chuckie Finster.

Huh?

Chuckie, you're
about to have

your own, uh...
ganza,

like Wheels
Thunderslide.

But he does
crazy tricks, Tommy;

I just go fast.

Not to worry, my friend,
it's all about the hype.

Smoke and mirrors.

I got it!

"Lightning Chuck,
The Fastest Kid Alive."

Ah, come on, Tommy,

I'm not really
the fastest kid alive.

It's probably some Norwegian

downhill rocket luger

named Spitfire Sven.

I mean, isn't there something
called truth in advertising?

Hmm. You're right.

That's right, the fastest
redheaded-with-braces

-year-old kid alive.

This Saturday in the park

see Lightning Chuck make
extreme speed history

and buy an official BLEC
Lightning Chuck mini-board.

[ gasps]

No!

Dil, what are you...

Tommy, you've got
to break away.

You're turning BLEC-anese!

I really think so!

And that's not
who you are--

you're a filmmaker,
not a BLECie.

Yeah?

Well, that was
the old me.

Let it go, bro.

[ softly]:
Oh, T.

Kimi, did you see
the school paper?

People wrote in
reviewing your reviews.

"Pretentious"?

"Boring"?

Forget it, everyone's a critic.

Oh, man.

What's the matter,
Philippe?

You look normal.

Memoirs of a Male Model
as dictated to a writer guy.

Flatulo, the top model
in the world,

had to flex, like, hours
a day and then go work out.

Plus he could never--
as in never-- eat junk food.

Oh, well... it was fun
while it lasted.

I quit, too.

Too stressful.

Who would have thunk

the only two the test
was right about

were Tommy and Chuckie?

sh**t it from
the other side--

better natural light.

Thanks.

You really
sold the public
on this one.

You're an A- businessman,
Pickles.

Proud?

Better believe it.

CHUCKIE:
Okay, I'm dressed.

Like it?

Uh, well, it's very... extreme.

Speed on!

[ groaning]

Okay, Lightning,

here we go.

You own his key chains.

You're wearing
his T-shirts

and possibly
his official underwear.

Now it's time to see
Lightning Chuck strike.

[ cheering]

The Slingshot of Doom
will launch him

down the Ramp
of Horror,

making him the fastest
redheaded-with-braces

-year-old kid alive.

Presented by BLEC.

His awesome journey will end

as he jettisons into
the Slippery Sludge of Slime!

[ crowd cheering]

Okay, Chuckie,

this is going to be epic:
you, the wind,

the speed,
the crowd...

and all
those profits.

Sweet!

Let's do
this thing.

Ready?

Uh, Chuckie?

Hey, you're not
scared, are you?

Me? No, no.

Uh, okay, maybe
just a little.

Or a lot.

Oh, man, Chuckie.

It's going to k*ll me
to say this, but...

you don't have
to go through with it

if you don't want to.

No, I have to.

I'll never be a race car driver

if I can't do something
as simple as this.

Besides, I want your product
to be a success.

Even if it is me.

Okay.

Well, good luck.

The hero, walking
to his destiny.

Need this?

It sure would be a shame

if no one captured
Chuckie's possible
final moments on Earth.

No, thanks.

Yes!

I have failed yet again
to motivate.

Don't you see, T.?

It proves
the test was bogus.

[ groans]

[ screaming]

[ screaming]

[ groans]

[ booing, scattered applause]

Chuckie, are you okay?

Well... let's just say...

speed off.

But for one brief moment, I was

the fastest
redheaded-with-braces
-year-old kid alive!

"Lightning Chuck"
my butt.

I want
my money back!

Sorry for ruining
your big event.

Are you kidding?

That was great footage.

Can you wipe out again,

like, from
a different angle?

Uh...

no.

You did it, T.!

You escaped the BLECies'
evil clutches.

You're back!

Nice going,
Pickles.

We have to give
all these kids
their money back.

Unless you come up
with a new money-maker,

we're BLEC-rupt.

I have the perfect product
in mind.

Coming soon to a coffeehouse
screening room near you.

STUDENTS:
What the heck, be a BLEC.

They may not look cool,
but they help our school.

[ audience cheering]

[ Dil laughing]

You're back in
the director's chair, T.

Well, it was
a little commercial...

OTHERS:
It was a commercial!

Outstanding.

It's the least I could do
after Lightning Chuck.

Speaking of Lightning Chuck,

where is he
with our smoothies?

CHUCKIE:
Uh... guys?

Don't rush me.

[ others laughing]

MAN:
Life is a sneeze.